A two-year-old’s adjustment to a small in-home childcare setting isn’t going well. She cries through much of day, flits from activity to activity, and seeks constant validation from the caregiver, repeatedly asking, “Do you like me?” This caregiver, who is also a parent of two toddlers, is baffled as to how she might be contributing to this apparent insecurity and wonders if the girl would be happier somewhere else. She’s also feeling drained and overwhelmed by the situation. Janet offers her perspective on what is really behind this toddler’s tears and questions—and why trusting the child’s process, rather than reacting with concern and trying to fix it, may be the very thing that helps her feel safe.
Transcript of “A Child’s Rocky Transition (Why It Means She’s Doing Her Job)”
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Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
Today I’m going to be responding to a note I received from a parent. The situation is quite unusual, but so many of the aspects of this are very, very common and easy to misunderstand. So I believe I’m going to be able to offer something here that will help every parent.
Let me just dive into this letter, before I try to explain it:
Hi there, Janet. I’m a stay-at-home mom and I have two toddler boys. One turned three in April and the other will turn two in August. I began obsessing over your work and listening to every podcast around the time I knew I was becoming a mom. Being a mom has been the greatest blessing and privilege of my life. Once I survived two under two, things have gone so smoothly, it’s been amazing.
I guess I decided things weren’t challenging enough, lol! I decided to open an in-home learning group. I have one, two, or three other kiddos Monday through Thursday. Overall, it’s going well and I charge $50 a day per child. It’s been so sweet to see my boys get excited and connect with these other kids and my heart is so full watching them play. I’m certainly not super rigid over naps, but I’ve found that when the kids are all playing, eating, etc. at the same time, they usually nap at the same time, so it helps me stay decently organized. Still, it can of course get pretty wild with up to five toddlers at once, and I’m pretty new to this. I have no early childhood background, all I have is what I’ve learned from you, so thank you.
My question is about a little girl that has been coming regularly. She is two-and-a-half. We are really struggling. She seems to have a very short attention span, she wants to change activities in a matter of seconds. She cries most of the time when she is here. She constantly asks me if I like her and I’ve never given her any reason to think I don’t. I do, I love her. She is sweet and generous and kind when she’s not upset. It’s hard for me to deal with the constant tears. It can start to bother me or make me feel like it’s something I need to fix. As much as I wish I could say it didn’t, I notice it greatly affecting my nervous system. I can hold it together for the kiddos, but once my husband gets home, I either break down or go to bed or take a long bath to relax.
I’m considering talking to her mom and suggesting that she might do better in another environment, like a larger preschool setting or back home with her mom. But before I reached out, I wanted to ask you. I only have her two days a week. She’s an only child with wonderful, loving parents, but they work from home and I think she spends a lot of time on her tablet because of that. Not sure if that is what is contributing or something else. My question is, is there anything I can do about these behaviors, or are my hands tied considering I only have her eight hours twice a week?
And another question is, is it unusual for a child who is only two-and-a-half to be searching for validation? I didn’t know toddlers even knew people did or didn’t like them. My boys are very smart and they tend to hit milestones early, but I’ve noticed that when they play with kids who aren’t treating them well, it makes me sad for them, but they don’t seem to go inward with that at all. And in this case with the little girl, I always treat her with kindness anyway, so I wonder where that comes from. I’m mostly just curious on your thoughts about that. Is that something learned or is it more of a personality trait that’s more common in some kids? Or is it a difference since she’s a girl and I’m just used to boys?
I can’t thank you enough for your work. God bless you.
As I said, this is an unusual situation. And yet so many of us can probably relate to the feeling of wanting to fix feelings when children just seem constantly out of sorts or they’re having a really rough transition like this. We want to make it better, right? That’s natural, that’s loving.
And so even though this parent is doing this wonderful playgroup program, these children are in her care away from their parents for that period of time. So what I have to say here relates to children starting any kind of program, preschool, childcare. There is an adjustment period. The main message I want to get across to this parent is not that she should be okay with this and she shouldn’t want to fix it and all of that. All of that’s natural, that she’s going to feel that way. And of course I want to encourage her that she has the choice to say this isn’t working for her and to really care for herself in that way.
But I also want to encourage her to understand what’s really going on here with this child and how healthy it is. And if she feels up for it, I want to encourage her in the direction of not fixing and trusting what’s going on here. And I’m going to give her every bit of reason that she might consider doing that.
But still, like I said, it’s up to her and obviously I’m not going to try to talk her into something that she’s uncomfortable with. Her comfort matters a lot. She’s doing a very generous thing, not charging very much money for these children to come and be in her care and play. This is, to me, exactly the kind of person I would want my child to be with, somebody that really enjoys the children, that thinks highly of them. She says, “I love her. She’s sweet and generous and kind when she’s not upset.” So this is a person that’s seeing the good in children. And obviously that’s the kind of person we want our child to spend time with when they’re spending time away from us.
So what I see going on here is that this child is doing her job. She’s doing her job adjusting to this situation. Now the way children adjust in transitions often involves a lot of feelings, a lot of crying. I mean, ask Mr. Chazz, ask other people who work in childcare or preschool settings, even kindergartens. Separation from parents and home and being in a new situation is a lot for very young children. It’s a lot for all of us really, but especially for children in these early years, because they’re not as able to understand their needs and they’re not as able to communicate them. While some children do just have the temperaments that manage transition better than others, all children have some kind of adjustment. And I think that this mom knows all this on one level when she’s saying she wishes she wasn’t trying to fix the feelings, but she still feels like doing that.
She writes, “She wants to change activities in a matter of seconds. She cries most of the time when she’s here. She constantly asks me if I like her and I’ve never given her any reason to think I don’t.” So the crying makes a lot of sense. It’s just expressing that feeling of being in this different place and being away from home.
Actually, I’m going to offer an idea that is counterintuitive for most of us. And I was really surprised when I first learned this, but thinking about it, it makes sense. It would help this little girl if she actually could spend more days in this setting. Two days a week for a child this age is not a lot of time to transition. She’s just not having the opportunity to really get comfortable eating and napping and playing in this different setting. It almost feels like a brand new situation to her every time, with all those days in between. So she needs more time there, rather than less, to help her settle into this situation.
That sounds like the opposite of what I would’ve thought, which is that, well, if they’re having a hard time, you do it less and that’s easier on them to just do a little bit, just dip their toe in. But no, for children, they’re just trying to get used to who these people are, how they respond to me. For them, it’s a lot to take in. It would have to be all right with this mom and of course with the parents of the little girl, if they wanted her to maybe spend more time there. And then she will feel more a part of it, not just like this person that dips in once in a while, that doesn’t feel as involved. She will feel more a part of it and likely adapt more readily to the expectations in this setting if she can come more.
I don’t know if that’s an option, but I want to put that out there so that this mom and other parents listening can understand what this is from a child’s point of view. Getting comfortable with even just this person as a secondary attachment figure, which is what we want when our child is in care with another person in these early years. We want them to feel attached to that person, we want them to feel comfortable. This little girl is showing that she feels very comfortable with this mom. The way she’s showing that is by being vulnerable with her, by saying, “Do you like me? Do you like me? Do you like me?”
I have a thought about that. The reason children get stuck in something like that is not because they really need that validation, the way it might be if an adult was doing that. And yes, it is kind of a precocious thing to say for a two-and-a-half-year-old, to think about if people like her. But my guess is this came up at home somehow, that the parents said it about someone or maybe about this girl. I don’t like when you’re doing that or I don’t like you when you do that or something. Somehow this became “a thing” for this little girl. She knows that this is something to, I don’t want to say push on, like she’s trying to test in some really conscious way, because she’s not. But she just can’t stop probing, probing, probing this with this adult in her life. And I don’t know if she does this with her parents at home also, but she’s going to this place that she’s sensing bothers this adult. She’s sensing it’s not comfortable for this mom and that’s why she keeps going to that.
So to get to a little of the what-to-do part, the way to respond to that is just to respond to it with open arms. “Oh, I think you just asked me that, but as a matter of fact, I do and I still do.” Coming from a place of knowing this is something she’s gotten stuck in because of the discomfort she’s felt from me. When she says this, I get a little worried. I get a little annoyed. I have to tell her again and again! What’s going on here? Doesn’t she know I like her? Am I making her feel like I don’t like her? None of that is true, in my opinion. She’s merely pushing on that button of discomfort in this adult, trying to figure it out on some level. So once we know that’s what’s going on, then we can turn a corner on it and not be afraid of it anymore, not be uncomfortable about it. Because it’s just something that she’s figuring out and it’s not this deep-seated need for validation that we might’ve worried it was.
This can look a lot of different ways for children. And I’ve talked a lot on the podcast about how children do that. They know our vulnerabilities. They notice it the very first time that we’re a little bit taken aback. We’re a little bit thrown off by something. We’re not entirely comfortable. And then they have to keep going there.
That can be true with so many kinds of statements that we say to them or things we make a point of with them. Like we say, “Always tell me when you don’t want me to touch you.” And then all of a sudden when our child is acting out and we’re coming close to stop them from doing something harmful or that we don’t want them to do, then they’re like, “You’re touching me! Don’t touch me, don’t touch me!” And then we get alarmed by that, and then they get stuck doing that. I’m just saying that as an example, but there’s so many things that this can happen with. Things that our child senses matter to us, throw us off balance, that we care about, that dial into our concern in some way. That’s what’s going on here.
So we don’t have to worry that we’ve given her a reason to think we don’t like her and all this. And this mom is sure she does like her. She loves her, she said. Trust in that, believe in that, and just feel like, As a matter of fact, I love you. I think you’re amazing. I think you’re great. And then she asks you again a few minutes later and it’s, Yes, still loving you over here! However you want to say it, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you’re not intimidated by it and you are allowing that to be a really safe thing for her to explore.
The thing about wanting to change activities in a matter of seconds. Yes, she’s unsettled. She’s showing that she’s unsettled. It’s just going to take her a certain amount of time to get settled, but I wouldn’t try to jump to accommodating that for her. Oh, you want to do this? Okay, we’ll do this. Have some activities available that they can engage in and let her flit around from one to the other and don’t worry about that. Some children do flit around, flit around, flit around, flit around. They take whatever time they need, they cry, they’re uncomfortable, and then they finally settle in. On their time, not ours. And again, this would probably happen sooner if the little girl had more time to be there, but she will get there regardless if this parent wants to stick it out.
But again, if that’s kind of getting our attention in a way where we’re like, Oh, we’d better find her something else, and Oh, I don’t want to get that for her, but I have to, let go of that. Let her flit around. I don’t want to compare children to animals, but it just reminds you of the dog turning circles, turning circles, turning circles before they find how they want to lie down. They’re just doing what they need to do to get comfortable.
My overall advice here is to trust this little girl to do her job adjusting. You’re giving her everything she needs: a stable adult who genuinely cares about her, a predictable, safe environment, empathy, care for her. You’re giving her everything she needs. Now it’s time to let go and let her adjust in her way and not try to work with that in some way or fix it. I know this parent knows she doesn’t want to fix it, but I just want to encourage that approach because the more we try to get in there and fix that, the harder it is for the child to relax. Why? Because we’re not relaxed. We’re not entirely sure about them. We are not entirely trusting that they can handle this.
That’s the big shift. If we make it this weekend, it will help us in so many ways as parents. It will help us with any adjustment. Going on a trip, summer vacation, and we’re in this new place and our child is tearful or nothing feels right to them. Instead of trying to fix things and make it all better, let them feel like it’s all wrong and they’re miserable. That’s how children get comfortable.
Now I’m not saying that we should just feel fine when they’re upset. Of course we’re not going to feel fine, but if we put this in perspective, we can get that little bit of emotional distance we need. It’s that safety in ourselves that we need in order to let go of it more, rather than getting sucked in so that we’re riding this rollercoaster of feelings with them.
That’s just something generally as parents we want to try to work on: putting their feelings into perspective. Their feelings are healthy. Their feelings are natural. Their feelings in a change like this make sense. Their feelings almost always have a reason, but the reason isn’t that she doesn’t have enough activities or that she needs more validation. The reason is that she’s kind of grabbing around us to figure out, Can everybody be comfortable and let me do this adjusting thing?
Another question this parent has is: “Is it unusual for a child who’s only two-and-a-half to be searching for validation?” I think that would be unusual and I don’t think that’s what’s going on here. Again, like I said, I think she’s gotten caught up in this thing of, Do you like me? Do you like me?, and that’s become a thing for her. I don’t think she’s asking this with the kind of understanding and genuine need that we might have as an adult if we ask something like that.
Another thing that this mom says is, “I’m considering talking to her mom and suggesting she might do better in another environment, like a larger preschool setting or back home with her mom.” Yes, if this isn’t working for her to the extent that it’s really making her question whether she wants to do this, then she should absolutely trust herself. But I would also say that a larger preschool setting is not what I would recommend for this or any child that’s having a hard time adjusting, because that will be a lot harder and she probably won’t feel as safe to express a lot of this. She’s showing she feels very safe with this adult and I would trust that a smaller environment, especially for a child that’s not three yet, is going to be much easier to adjust to. She’s getting to vent and be a mess in this setting and that is very, very healthy.
And I don’t know if anything has to do with spending a lot of time on a tablet or anything else. All that’s clear here is that she’s very much adjusting to what sounds like a positive, positive situation that this mom is offering. So there’s every reason in the world why we would want to allow her to be able to be there. But the question is whether this mom can find this place of comfort. I believe she can, in this transitional messiness that’s going on, by putting it into perspective.
Otherwise it sounds like this is all going really, really well. And whatever this parent decides, kudos to her. I thank her so much for her kind words in the note, and the fact that she can enjoy a three-year-old and two-year-old child and find it pretty easy is amazing. So this mom has everything she needs to be able to flourish as a parent and to take care of other children, if she chooses to go through the rockiness of it. That’s up to her. I just want to encourage her and everybody out there, whether you have a child that’s adjusting or you’re a childcare professional or early childhood educator with a lot of children who are adjusting, that’s the job that children need us to trust them to do.
We can do this.
