The Parenting Magic Word (10 Ways To Use It)
Madga Gerber extolled the power of a single word that is fundamental to her child care philosophy. This word reflects a core belief in a baby’s natural abilities, respects his unique developmental timetable, fulfills his need to experience mastery, be a creative problem solver and to express feelings (even those that are hard for us to witness). The word is a simple, practical tool for understanding babies, providing love, attention and trust for humans of all ages.
The word is wait. And here’s how it works…
1. Wait for development of an infant or toddler’s motor skills, toilet learning, language and other preschool learning skills. Notice a child’s satisfaction, comfort and self-pride when he is able to show you what he is ready to do, rather than the other way around. As Magda Gerber often said, “readiness is when they do it.” Ready babies do it better (Hmmm… a bumper sticker?), and they own their achievement completely, relish it, and build self-confidence to last a lifetime.
2. Wait before interrupting and give babies the opportunity to continue what they are doing, learn more about what interests them, develop longer attention spans and become independent self-learners. When we wait while a newborn gazes at the ceiling and allow him to continue his train of thought, he is encouraged not only to keep thinking, but to keep trusting his instincts. Refraining from interrupting whenever possible gives our child the message that we value his chosen activities (and therefore him).
3. Wait for problem solving and allow a child the resilience-building struggle and frustration that usually precedes accomplishment. Wait to see first what a child is capable of doing on his own.
When a baby is struggling to roll from back to tummy, try comforting with gentle words of encouragement before intervening and interrupting his process. Then if frustration mounts, pick him up and give him a break rather than turning him over and ‘fixing’ him. This encourages our baby to try, try again and eventually succeed, rather than believe himself incapable and expect others to do it for him. This holds true for the development of motor skills, struggles with toys, puzzles and equipment, even self-soothing abilities like finding his thumb rather than giving him a pacifier.
(For more examples of the value of waiting for children to solve problems, please read A Jar Not Opened and A Hovering Parent’s Successful Landing.)
4. Wait for discovery rather than showing a child her new toy and how it works. When you teach a child something, you take away forever his chance of discovering it for himself. –Jean Piaget
5. Wait and observe to see what the child is really doing before jumping to conclusions. A baby reaching towards a toy might be satisfied to be stretching his arm and fingers, not expecting to accomplish a task. A toddler looking through a sliding glass door might be practicing standing or enjoying the view and not necessarily eager to go outside.
6. Wait for conflict resolution and give babies the opportunity to solve problems with their peers, which they usually do quite readily if we can remain calm and patient. And what may look like conflict to an adult is often just “playing together” through an infant or toddler’s eyes.
7. Wait for readiness before introducing new activities and children can be active participants, embrace experiences more eagerly and confidently, comprehend and learn far more. It’s hard to wait to share our own exciting childhood experiences (like shows, theme parks or dance classes) with our children, but sooner is almost never better, and our patience always pays off. (I explain this in much more detail in Toddler Readiness – The Beauty of Waiting and Please Don’t Take The Babies.)
8. Wait for a better understanding of what babies need when they cry. When we follow the impulse most of us have to quell our children’s tears as quickly as possible, we can end up projecting and assuming needs rather than truly understanding what our child is communicating. This is the basis of my argument with Annie from Ph.D. in Parenting in Attachment Parenting Debate – For Crying Out Loud and the realization shared by a parent in A Toddler’s Need To Cry (One Parent’s Lesson).
9. Wait for feelings to be expressed so that our children can fully process them. Our child’s cries can stir up our own deeply suppressed emotions; make us impatient, annoyed, uneasy, and even angry or fearful. But children need our non-judgmental acceptance of their feelings and our encouragement to allow them to run their course.
10. Wait for ideas from children before offering suggestions of our own. This encourages them to be patient thinkers and brainstormers. Countless times I’ve experienced the miracle of waiting before giving my brilliant two cents while children play, or providing play ideas when children seem bored. Biting my tongue for a few minutes, maybe saying some encouraging words to a toddler like, “It’s hard to know what to do sometimes, but you are creative, I know you’ll think of something” is usually all that it takes for the child to come up with an idea. And it’s bound to be more imaginative, interesting and appropriate than anything I could have thought of. Best of all, the child receives spectacular affirmations: 1) I am a creative thinker and problem solver; 2) I can bear discomfort, struggle and frustration; 3) Boredom is just the time and space between ideas… (And sometimes, the wellspring of genius.)
Instincts may tell us that waiting is uncaring, unhelpful and confidence-shaking — until the results are proven to us. Sitting back patiently and observing often feels counterintuitive, so even if we know and appreciate the magic that can happen when we “wait”, it usually involves a conscious effort. But it’s worth it.
Do you find it challenging to wait? Do you have a magic word of your own? No need to wait to share your thoughts…
Please register your e-mail so I can alert you to new posts. Or follow me on Facebook or Twitter.
I LOVE your comments and questions. Please add them here...
21 Responses to “The Parenting Magic Word (10 Ways To Use It)”
Leave a Reply
Email me
Follow me on Twitter!
Join my Facebook Fan Page
RSS Feed
Secrets Of Infant Learning was chosen by voters as the third Most Influential Blog Post in 2011. Thanks for your support!
I’m in love with this post. Wait. Just wait. Don’t jump to fix something that isn’t broken. Just wait and see. Children take a bit longer than the rushing hustle bustle of adult life.
Sharing this!
Thanks, Anthony! I love your reminder: Children take a bit longer than the rushing hustle bustle of adult life. You gave me an idea that I probably would have thought to include if I had waited a little longer before posting this… Another thing to wait for is children struggling with clothes — getting dressed and undressed. It takes them a bit longer (sometimes a lot longer), but what’s the hurry? It’s so validating for a toddler to be able to take her shoes and socks off or put them on again, but it requires our patience. We just have to remember to stop the hustle bustle and wait.
This is a fabulous post. Hmm. Do I say that every time I comment? Probably. LOL! But really – in our hectic, over-scheduled, rushed world, this is really what parents need to learn. I find it really hard to wait – especially when my kids are fighting with each other. My discomfort with it is so multi-faceted that it takes all of my strength to sit back & let them work it out themselves. Thank you again for the reminder & the great list of ways to be more patient and wait. Wait. I love it.
~ Gina
Gina, thank you. If you do say that every time, I assure you I never get tired of hearing it!
It does take all of our strength to wait sometimes, especially with peer conflicts. Do you notice that they behave more kindly to each other when you aren’t around? Just wondering how it works with twins, because that has certainly been my experience with siblings.
Yep, you nailed it, Janet.
I had problems waiting when rearing my own child, I know… most time-poor mums do… and certainly it was hard to learn the skill when I first started teaching and caring for under-5s. The realisation that jumping in to help is about US, not about helping the child, is hard-won but valuable.
Wow, Annie, you are so wise and insightful. Thanks for sharing!
I was having a lot of trouble waiting for my daughter to reach developmental milestones. Then, after reading many of your posts, I made a decision that waiting was going to be my gift to her. Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprising) she began to have more success when I just let her be…Thank you for teaching me the importance of waiting.
This is a wonderful article, thanks so much Janet! We are just beginning to implement RIE philosophy in our home and I have to say I have caught myself ‘messing up’, as it were, a few times. Like just yesterday, I found myself showing my 9 month old how to use a particular toy without even thinking… How I kicked myself, haha! I suppose it’s a learning process for us, too, and breaking the habits of a lifetime is not easy. But we will keep trying
Over the past few weeks, since we stopped using empty praise with our oldest (3yo), I have noticed a marked difference in his desire to do things for himself and his confidence in his own ability. It’s been incredible!
One Facebook sharer encouraged us to guess what we thought the word was before reading the article. I guessed it was “yes.” This article is AMAZING and I have already printed and posted it on the wall! THANK YOU!
I think the hardest wait for parents is the wait while their child figures out how to navigate danger. I.E. my 16 month old dancing on the table doesn’t necessarily need rescuing. When I wait for her to figure it out, she gets down on her belly and puts her feet down on a chair and slides down safely.
Now she is safe, much safer than if I took her down myself.
Well, I couldn’t ‘wait’ to reply to your post and say Thank You. So many of your examples of the Why of Waiting can be applied to any age group
It is a joy to witness as children discover, explore and resolve within their own time. Cheers.
Another good one, Janet. I have another great word–that has a thousand uses: “Oh.”
as in: “Johnny is picking on me.”
“Oh.”
“The teacher doesn’t like me.”
“Oh.”
“I don’t understand the homework.”
“Oh.”
It takes a little practice sometimes to get the inflection right, but has a myriad of uses, and it is a great antidote for taking too much responsibility for your child’s challenges.
Rick, that’s a great one — made me smile. “Oh” is saying you’re listening and empathetic, but not jumping in to fix things. Being heard and understood all we usually want anyway, right?
Good one, Rick!
I like to use the empathetic question that invites more information- eg
‘Johnny’s picking on me.’
‘Is he?’
‘I want a turn.’
‘Do you?’
And if the child doesn’t volunteer a course of action, I follow up with ‘What are you going to do about it?’
Works wonders- I hardly EVER have to ‘rescue’ a child with this approach.
This is my first time visiting your page. I love this article! Love it! Love it! Love it! I’m not very good at waiting a lot of the time, but I am trying to get better at it. This is such motivation for me.
Ditto on the wonderful post comment, Janet.
I very much value waiting in my own process, BUT didn’t see how it could apply to parenting until coming across RIE, Magda’s insightful words and philosophy. Waiting is like the silent space between breaths where an infinite amount of potential and possibilities lie.
Thank you for inspiring my day!
Beautifully said, Lilly. Thank you!
Nice ideas. I like Magda Gerber’s philosophy. However I don’t agree with ‘ready to toilet train’. We practice elimination communication. Our boys were ready to signal their need to go from early on. At times they did not want help to go and we had lots of wet pants/nappies and that was ok. I don’t agree with leaving a baby in a nappy and ‘waiting’ until they are ready to toilet train. Otherwise Magda Gerber rocks!
This post was helpful to me in understanding the special nuances of negotiating the space between our role as parents as nurturers and protectors and our children\’s ever expanding need for autonomy and self-mastery.
I especially liked #8 about being cautious about letting your own stuff (emotional triggers from your past) keep you from derailing your baby\’s unfolding development. Now that is a biggie for me. How do you keep your emotional past from hi-jacking the moment?
Thank you for your post, especially #1. My son is over 3 and a half (44 months) and still in diapers. My daughter is 25 months and has learned how to use the toilet (she was ready). He is not bothered by this and I never point it out to him, but I am so ready to no longer change diapers. I remind myself that when he is ready he will tell me, but your post reminded me that it is a developmental milestone and he will do it on his timetable and that is best. Thank you.
Love this post….I’m 6 years into parenting and my best parenting moments are preceded by waiting. Pausing. It’s good for everyone, for all the reasons you described. Thanks for the beautiful reminder.