What To Do About A Toddler Toy Taker?
She’s bold, bright, a leader – no wallflower this girl. She’s eager to connect with her peers, and a simple hello isn’t enough. She wants their attention. She wants interaction. And, ideally, she wants a reaction. Naturally, her social skills are a work in progress, and while she’s learning how to engage in play, she’s often misunderstood. Her antics sometimes worry and embarrass her parents and elicit their disapproval. Her toddler peers are all-forgiving (even when they’ve been on the losing end of her toy snatching), but her friends’ parents might be less understanding.
In every RIE parent/toddler group I’ve facilitated there is at least one boy or girl who experiments with taking toys from her peers. With infants and younger toddlers especially, it is often a social gesture, a way to ‘play together’, to say, “Hi!” or “Hmmm…what have you got there?” or “The way you are moving that toy around is intriguing. I’m going to check it out.” There is a tentative reach for the object, in some cases a quick grab, a struggle (or not), and someone ends up with the prize. But as long as the adults stay relaxed and non-judgmental, the ‘victims’ rarely get upset about their object being lifted.
Parents appreciate RIE classes because they are a sanctuary where infants are free to interact and toddlers are allowed to work through conflicts safely and learn from them with minimal adult intervention. The facilitator is nearby to keep children from hurting each other. When there is a struggle over a toy, our intention is to allow the children to participate as actively as possible in problem-solving. If we don’t step in, toddlers often surprise us by being able to handle conflicts themselves. As infant specialist Magda Gerber suggests in Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect, “If every time adults jump in and bring in their version of what is right, the children learn either to depend on them or to defy them. The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve.”
Rather than jumping in immediately, Magda advised “sportscasting” during conflicts – calmly and impartially stating just the facts to let the children know that we understand and empathize, i.e., “Ben was holding that, and now Ella has it”. Or, if a child seems upset, we acknowledge, “It bothered you when Ella took the toy.”
But sometimes toy-taking becomes more than an occasional experiment — it becomes a pattern of behavior that does need addressing. The parents and facilitator then try to figure out what is motivating the behavior and gauge the most productive way to intervene. This happened in one of my classes, and we all learned from it.
Sabrina was very much the bold, bright leader I described above. At some point during her second year she began habitually taking toys from others. It always appeared to me that she was exhibiting a strong desire to engage her friends in play, but like most toddlers her age, she didn’t quite know how.
A boy named Tom joined the class when he was around 18 months old. After a period of adjustment, he would enter the classroom bursting with excitement and toddle off exuberantly to play, usually on his own. He kept to himself, seemed to prefer staying out of the fray (especially out of Sabrina’s fray), and he would give toys up easily if another child tried to take one from him without seeming to mind. He didn’t struggle, just moved on to another toy. This seemingly passive reaction from a child often concerns parents as much as a child’s aggression does. Is my child too timid? Will he always shy away from conflict, let others take advantage and walk all over him?
As the class evolved, we realized that Sabrina’s toy taking had become a little compulsive. Although she often offered toys, too, and initiated wonderful games with another girl in the class (like the ones I mention in Toddlers Invent The Silliest Games – And 33 Other Reasons To Let Babies Play Their Way), sometimes she’d spend a good portion of the 90-minute session playing snatch-and-grab. It began to seem more like a test for the adults around her and less like something she and the children could work through entirely on their own. Sabrina’s parents and I agreed that she needed some guidance, so we decided that I would intervene when she seemed stuck in a pattern of taking toys.
If she approached a child holding a toy, I’d place my hand in between her and the child and ask her, “Are you asking to use the bus?” If she indicated “yes” and the child seemed to say “no”, I’d say. “He’s using that right now. Please make another choice.” If there was another bus in the playroom, I pointed it out to her.
Sometimes this worked surprisingly well and eased her need to test. Other times she’d persist and get upset when I stopped her with my hand and said, “I won’t let you take the bus from Brady. You can use it when he’s done.” Even when she cried and complained, Sabrina seemed somewhat relieved that we were stopping her. And by the time that particular class graduated and Sabrina was 2, she rarely took toys and had discovered more successful ways (like imitation, for example) to initiate play with others.
Sabrina provided Tom an opportunity for growth, too. One day Sabrina took something from him before I had a chance to intervene. This time, Tom did seem disturbed, so I suggested, “If you want to keep it you can hold on and say, ‘No, I’m using this’.” I reminded him again later in class when another child took something from him, “You can hold on if you want to.”
The next week Tom’s mother told me privately that she’d heard him quietly practicing saying “No, I’m using this” several times.
Then, the following week, Tom had a chance to try out his new skill. Sabrina tried to take a red car out of his hands. He held on. They locked eyes for a moment, then Sabrina moved on. Tom stood, frozen, and stared at the car in his hand in disbelief, spending almost a minute in this reverie.
Empowered by this experience, Tom turned a corner. He continued to spend much of the class time each week playing on his own, but began making tentative forays into the social whirl, discovering that the thrill of engagement with peers could be worth the risk.
(Photo by Sabine75 on Flickr.)
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26 Responses to “What To Do About A Toddler Toy Taker?”
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That was wonderful. I can see how this approach would help a child grow and this post it timely for me as I have an energetic 3.5 year old that loves stealing toys from his 14 month old brother. Thanks!
Janet, I love your blog posts so much! I feel so thankful to have found this site a few months back when I did an engine search for RIE. When I read your posts, they are so sensible, practical, and truly resonate with me. They help me so much in my daily work with infants.
I can just picture the scene when I read, “The next week Tom’s mother told me privately that she’d heard him quietly practicing saying “No, I’m using this” several times.” Beautiful!
Yay for Sabrina, yay for Tom, and yay for everyone in the room who gets to see the whole process unfold.
Thanks for sharing your gift of writing. I am so thankful for your words of encouragement and inspiration.
~Carla
Carla, thank you…a wonderful gift to wake up to your kind words today!
Yes, the dynamic in that class really interesting. Several weeks after the incident with the red car, I was stunned to see Tom smack dab in the middle of a conflict with 3 other children over plastic pails and keys. (The toddlers in that group began a game of using the plastic keys to “unlock” the gate at the entrance of the playroom, and played that almost every week). Tom had a surprised and worried expression on his face but, amazingly, he hung in there for several seconds before running over to his mother, a little upset.
I do home daycare and this is always a problem with some kids. Great to have new strategies to help children learn to share. Thanks!
Angela
http://www.daycareheadquarters.com
Thanks, Janet, for your wonderful advice. I always enjoy reading your posts. I’m curious if you have advice about what to do when a child is constantly pushing or hitting other children. My almost three year old daughter is in a Spanish immersion co-op preschool class where the parents participate with their children. The class ranges from one year olds to three year olds. One of the three year old boys, the oldest child in the class, often pushes the younger children during free play time. The teacher recommends we try to stop him before he pushes and we teach our children to say, “No” to him. Unfortunately, he’s quick and it’s often difficult to prevent him from pushing. Now another one of the boys has also started pushing the other children. I’m curious if you have any advice. My hunch is that part of the problem is language – most of the children aren’t speaking that much Spanish yet.
My daughter is similar to the boy Tom that you describe in your post. After she was pushed several times and I realized I couldn’t easily prevent it, we practiced saying, “No.” In class she just avoids him so it hasn’t happened to her recently. I think we’d all like to help the little boy learn more appropriate behaviors so the children want to be around him.
Thanks,
Caitlin
Caitlin, thanks for reading and for your kindness! If that were my class, I would make sure someone (the parent or someone else) with a very relaxed and matter-of-fact, but firm, non-judgmental attitude was shadowing the older boy and any other child who has a pattern of pushing or hitting. Since there is a two year discrepancy in age between the 1 and 3 year olds, I don’t believe it’s fair to expect the younger ones to fend for themselves, or be in the position of having to say “no” (although that is a good word to encourage when we’re there).
I agree that language may be a factor, but the priority in the moment is to deal with the behavior. I would help the older boy by first placing my hand in between any aggression and then saying casually, “I won’t let you push. Are you trying to get Jennifer’s attention? Find another way.” or “You are pushing again. Do you need to take a break from playing?” (and then take him aside and sit with him) Or “Your having a hard time not pushing today. It’s time to sit on the bench with me.”
None of this should be punitive, or said or done out of anger. Think of it as taking care of him, because he’s struggling. It’s so hard for parents to refrain from judging or labelling, but the truth is, he’s just a little guy having a tough time. If whoever is shadowing him keeps an even tone and is consistent about intervening, it should ease this behavior. But he still may have tougher days. I would also encourage the mother to figure out what is motivating the behavior and if it is worse when he’s hungry, tired, etc.
Thanks, Janet. I really appreciate that you take the time to give such helpful advice.
Caitlin
Janet, thank you for another wonderful post. My son could be Sabrina, and your gentle reminders on how I can help him work through social interactions have helped both of us navigate playdates with much more ease.
I’ve also noticed a big difference in the way my sons interact with each other, and it’s been wonderful.
Suchada, this is really good news. The non-judgmental attitude (that I know you have), ease and confidence are what make all the difference. The details just take some experimentation to figure out.
Thanks for your kinds words!
Hi Janet. I have just discovered your blog and this is the first article I have read. I loved it. I am an 0-2′s educator in a long day care centre in Australia. I have read a little about Emmi Pikler and the Pikler Institute, and also Magda Gerber. What I have read I wholeheartedly embrace in my own practice with very young children. Funnily enough, I often refer to myself as the narrator as I talk through the “story” of what is happening as these children engage with and discover each other. I know that they often look to me when there is a conflict to gauge how they should react. When I stay calm and show that I have faith in them and their abilities, they often resolve things with very little help from me. I’m really glad I found your site and I look forward to reading the rest of your articles. Thanks.
Hi Nicole! Thank you for your kind words! You sound like a natural, a wonderfully gifted educator…love ‘the narrator’.:-) I hope you find lots of support here for your great instincts and the important job you do.
I have just recently found your site and am really enjoying reading through the different topics.
I have 12 month old twin girls and watching them play and start to interact with each other is just so great! Although I have one that is more dominant and she will often taken items from her sisters hands. I generally let them work it out, but it breaks my heart to see her give things up so easily all the time. Even to the point where if i intervene and give the item back to her, she will crawl over and give it to her sister anyway. I guess once she is bit older and starts to speak, i will be able to teach her the same strategies as Tom has learnt.
Thanks for sharing this, Erin. Parents in the RIE classes often feel as you do when their child habitually gives things up to a more dominant one. But when we observe carefully we see that “heartbreak” is not what the more passive child is experiencing. I think it’s great, especially with siblings, that you are letting them work it out — it’s so positive for them to form their relationship without external judgment. And yes, you can help her understand her “options” when she is a bit older, but generally, the less involvement with a sibling relationship the better (according to Siblings Without Rivalry , a fantastic book on the subject!).
I just discovered your blog this morning and have spent the last half hour or so looking at various posts. I hadn’t intended to comment on anything, but had to comment on this post.
I had never heard of this child raising philosophy before today, and while there are things that I lean more towards AP with, there are a lot of things I have read today that I totally agree with.
Anyway, our oldest son (now almost four) was very much like the boy, Tom, in your story. He would play very happily by himself, and if a child at playgroup took a toy from him, he would just go to another toy. I would only intervene if it seemed to bother him. One day he decided that he was going to keep the toy, and he did. He was also surprised, but very pleased with himself too.
Holly, thanks for reading! It’s amazing what can happen if we stay out of our child’s way socially and just give him a little bit of time to figure things out. I appreciate your story.
What do I do with a child in play therapy who wants to take toys from the play therapy room to her home? She refuses to leave it there and keeps it hidden underneath her shirt?
Sarah, this sometimes happens in the RIE classes and I do a lot of acknowledging…all very non-judgmentally “You want to keep using this. I know it’s hard to give it back to me when you want to keep it.” Then I would say something like, “This toy is going to stay here. I’m going to keep this toy here for next time you come. It will be here for you. Can you give it to me yourself?” If not, I would gently open the child’s hand and take the toy. Often the child doesn’t even object when I do that, maybe because I’ve talked to her respectfully about what I am doing. If she does, I would acknowledge again, “I know you wanted to hold that (take that with you) and you didn’t like me taking it away.”
This is something I’m currently going through with my 14 month old daughter. She attends a baby gym class and will snatch other toddlers toys. She will screech so loud when I tell her that it’s not hers to take, that I’m unsure if I am handling this situation correcty? I wish there was a class in the UK for this it sounds amazing.
Hi Laurel! It’s not a matter of ‘correctness’ so much as providing the kind of minimal interventions that encourage authentic play to continue. I recently had a mini-debate on Facebook about cooperative play with a parenting coach. It was in response to my post and video about cooperative play (a really amazing video that you might want to watch: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/09/baby-teamwork-sharing-because-they-want-to/). The coach complimented the video, but said that authentic “sharing” like this was possible only when “ownership” had previously been protected. She believes that a baby must experience ownership of an object before he or she would be willing to share. If a baby was using a toy, this coach believes that another child should not be allowed to take the toy away. I disagreed…in fact, I believe that the exact opposite is true. If we intervene to establish “ownership” at this young age, when children not only don’t understand the concept, they don’t really care that much if someone takes something away, we give children messages that discourage sharing…discourage any interaction, actually. This amazing video from my class would never have happened if these children were accustomed to adults intervening to “protect” their stuff. The funny thing about play is that you have to accept the “bad” or you never see the “good”. Mostly, you have to see through the very different eyes of a baby, who just wants to interact and learn from it…and hardly ever wants the “stuff.”
So, what can you do when your 14 month old snatches? If you are in an understanding group, just acknowledge what is occuring. “This little girl was holding the bear and now you have it.” Observe. Usually the child who has been taken from will make another choice, or try to get the toy back, or just stare. They are just tiny people learning…and, truly, this is how they play together!
Thank you, Janet. I have been saying, “I won’t let you…” a lot in my classroom since hearing you use this phrase in a video and it is very effective. I love that it feels authentic to say it and it gets the message across. I try to let them work out conflicts themselves as much as possible and it’s always lovely to read your encouraging words.
Thank you for posting this. My son is one of the children who tends to watch other children take his toys away. He is 27 months old now, and is starting to get really upset when they do so. I will talk to him about the fact that he can tell them it’s his toy. But, what do I do when he wants the toy, but they just take it away and leave him very upset? Just as more background, my son has always liked to watch. He goes to a great Waldorf-based preschool, and I understand that sometimes he does take toys away from other kids. When we are with large groups of people, he tends to want to stay away and be with us, and just watch. So, we gravitate towards quiet events less overwhelming activities.
Nancy, I have known many toddlers that like to watch like your son and they are just as actively engaged in play and learning as the children running around together. Perhaps he has a more introspective personality, or it may just be a passing phase. Don’t let that worry you.
At 27 months, I would intervene more when a child takes from another, especially if the child is really engaged with the toy. I would stop the “taker” by gently placing my hand in the way and saying, “Are you asking Joe to use this toy? Joe, what do you think?” And if Joe holds on tighter, I would say, “Joe seems to be saying no, so maybe when he’s done.” If the child persists in trying to take the toy, I would probably keep my hand in the way and say, “I won’t let you take this. When Joe is done, you may use it.”
I’m unclear as to where this is happening. If these are your son’s personal toys, I would let him know beforehand that he should bring toys to the park that he doesn’t mind other children using. Or, if it’s at home, he can choose to put away toys that he doesn’t want to share before the play date.
What a wonderful way to respond! Thank you, this has been a challenging issue for me with children who aren’t my own. I tend to be a people pleaser, and am have to really work and plan ahead on how I will respond to other children, especially when the parents are around.
The specific times that I noticed this were at preschool events or parties. Our son was playing by himself with a toy in each case, and another child came and snatched the toy away. One was old enough to know better, and the other was about 2, and as I understand it, is a habitual toy taker. The other caretakers were not watching and did not see what happened. As it was not our home, and other people were “in charge” of the other children, I directed my son to another toy rather than requesting the toy back. But, I felt uncomfortable with my response. I don’t want my son to feel that we support the other children in taking away his toys. When we have play dates (which has been seldom lately due to busy work schedules and a new baby), the moms tend to be rather interventionist, so it’s less of an issue.
I talked with my son today about toy-taking. He is working on his words, but isn’t really verbal about this type of issue. When things slow down for us, I feel that I should make more of an effort to see other kids at the park or on playdates, so that I can be more involved/aware with his interaction with other children. But, to be honest, my first choice for free time in the summer with him is long meandering walks along a creek or playing in the backyard. I guess we are a family of introverts, including our son! The good news is that at preschool, they say that while quiet and watchful, he loves to play with the older children, and tends to start creative play that the other children join in on.
hi, janet- this article sounds suspiciously like our Madeline!!! if it is, I love it. and i’m happy to report that madeline is one of the most generous and inclusive kids in her class. no more grabbing, just lots of sharing. and i owe it all to RIE. hope all is well with you- meredith
I love hearing this, Meredith, and it doesn’t surprise me at all! All my best to you and Madeline!
I have a girl in my 2-year-old class who is this kind of toy taker — or at least was at the beginning of the year. Now as she’s approaching 3, I’m seeing her figuring out other ways to attempt to make friends, ways that are a step ahead of most of her classmates. I’m so happy for this insight, Janet. Thank you.