“Life in lockdown” is heightening a parent’s struggles with her 3-year-old’s uncooperative, defiant behavior, and this mom’s patience is wearing thin. When she tries to correct her daughter’s behavior, or if she asks for her cooperation with calm and reason, she ends up repeating herself again and again and raising her voice. This escalation makes her feel exhausted, guilty and like a failure. She writes: “I lost my confidence as a parent somewhere, and I need to get it together, but I don’t know where to begin.” She wonders if Janet can suggest any changes in her parenting approach.
Transcript of “Repeating Yourself Won’t Help (What to Do Instead)”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. How’s everybody doing today?
I have a question here that I’ll be responding to. This parent is trying to set limits. She has two children. She, like all of us at the moment, is stuck at home and she’s struggling with setting limits and helping them control their behavior. And she finds she keeps repeating herself and then raising her voice when that doesn’t seem to work. She feels like she’s failing because she keeps going through the same thing several times a day every day, so her patience is wearing thin. On top of that, she’s feeling guilty. So I hope to help this parent sort through some of this and find a clear path and ease her struggles a bit, so her household can work a little bit better right now.
Okay, here’s the note that I received:
Hey Janet, as I write this, the whole world is basically in quarantine and my difficulties will seem very small compared to people affected with health issues. But I still decided to write because I know many families are going to be spending a lot of time together, routines will be broken and a lot of emotional and mental issues arise at a time like this. Though my concern is not entirely related to the quarantine, it will still be relatable for many. I have a three-year-old girl and an eight-month-old boy, so there’ve been a lot of changes in the last year. We haven’t really been able to get a steady footing since I gave birth last year, in large part because of my three-year-old showing testing behavior. I lose my cool way too often. I feel that my energy is depleted already as I approach her to correct her or ask her to do simple things.
I try for a minute to practice what I’ve read in your book and heard in your podcast. Like if she’s about to grab something that she’s not supposed to, I try to set a limit and grab her hand and put it away as I tell her that that is not for playing. Or when she is given her cup, but it’s not the one she feels like using and I’m just too tired to have to get up and wash the cup she wants to use, I tell her that I know she wants to use that cup, but it’s eating time right now and we use the cup that is available.
It seems that even when I try to follow your advice, I still end up having to repeat myself over and over and the exchange ends up with me raising my voice. “Stop touching things that aren’t yours!” “Don’t play with the toilet paper,” while she’s at the toilet. “Do not touch the couch after eating without washing hands.” The list goes on. And almost each time, I end up repeating myself and asking her why she still does it even when I said several times, no. And at that moment I feel like I’m failing.
We go through the same thing several times a day, every day. All this is heightened now that we’re locked in 24/7 and I find myself losing patience easier each time.
I feel so guilty that I can’t extend that patience, but I want to instill our house rules, because without that everything will revolve around her and what she wants. I don’t want to respond to her whining, but I also don’t want to shout at her.
Please help me. I know I lost my confidence as a parent somewhere and I need to get it together, but I don’t know where to begin. Your help will be much appreciated. I find so much confidence when I hear your podcast, but sometimes I feel I really need to take a step back and change my approach. Thanks for all the help.
Okay, so I feel like I can help this parent a lot because I think she’s misunderstood some things that I’ve shared, or the approach that I recommend, and she’s gone with a perception of what’s going on here in these instances when her daughter’s not doing what she wants her to do. All she really needs to do is get on a different track in the way that she’s perceiving her role and perceiving her children’s behavior.
So I want to begin with the way that she’s perceiving the behavior. It sounds like she’s approaching it as many of us do — perceiving children’s behavior as coming from a reasonable place, seeing this reasonably. Hey, what the heck? I told her no, that she’s not supposed to do that and she’s still doing it! And that is infuriating for any of us. That is going to cause us to raise our voice and lose our temper because come on, this makes no sense. “Why are you doing this to me? I told you to stop. Just stop!”
It doesn’t work. And it doesn’t work because it’s not really what’s going on here when children do these things. Children do these behaviors out of impulse, out of emotions, out of stress, which of course we’re all feeling to the hilt right now, so that would be understandable even if there wasn’t an eight-month-old sibling that is now moving and cute and getting around and more of a threat to this older child. They would still be absorbing the stress that their parents might be feeling from this situation.
But it really doesn’t matter the reason in the moment. What matters is for us to understand that it’s not that they didn’t hear us saying no to it. It’s not that they need us to say it more times. For the most part, if they were in the reasonable part of their brain, children wouldn’t do them to begin with. Because the reasonable part of their brain already knew that she’s playing with things that she’s not supposed to be playing with, that she’s touching things she’s not supposed to be touching, that she’s supposed to have the cup that’s there and not ask for another one or play with the toilet paper. Children know very, very well from the first time that we stopped them from doing that. They know they’re not supposed to do these things.
So that’s the reasonable part of their brain. The reasonable part of their brain knows. But what happens is exhaustion — what Stuart Shanker calls a state of hyperarousal, which is a constant underlying stress that children can have that wears them out just as it does us. I don’t have a lot of outside stressors right now, but just from the environment I’m exhausted by late afternoon. I’m ready to go to bed.
So as adults we can self-regulate. We can manage that stress. Young children can’t. They can’t manage it. They can’t function in it. Mona Delahooke calls this “the yellow zone” when they’re veering towards “the red zone,” but maybe they’re not completely overwhelmed. Tina Payne Bryson calls this “the downstairs brain” that children are acting out of sometimes.
So, what does that mean and what is our job? If we see it as: Whoa, my child is losing it, they’re doing this thing I don’t want them to do… I would try, even that first time that you say something, to be taking a calm physical action. So you’re going over to your child, not as this parent describes grabbing something away, I would ideally see her reaching for it or now she has it and now I’m going to walk over and go, “Oh, I can’t let you use that”, or whatever, and then we’d take it away. We take it away firmly, but grabbing sounds like we’re already angry, which we don’t want to be.
Children need our help in these situations. They don’t need us to keep giving them verbal directions and raising our voice. They need us to help save them from being stuck.
And they can appear to be quite reasonable when they’re doing these things, but there is some underlying stress that’s causing it a lot of the time and they’re showing us that they need help. Stop me, stop me from doing this. Help me. I’m stuck. It can be, I’m getting stuck exploring my toddler will, that’s maybe a more minor form of impulsive behavior or you haven’t been clear about this so I’m checking. But regardless, they need us to see them as needing help.
Sometimes I understand parents can feel like: Well, if I have to go physically and take it away and do this, that’s going to take so much more of my energy. And actually it takes less because we’re not getting angry at our child, we’re not repeating ourselves, which is going to make us angry and annoyed no matter what. There’s no way we can be failing to get our point across with our child, without it creating stress for us.
It’s much better to realize that what’s going on now is like one big transition, and transitions are always the most difficult time for children, getting from point A to point B, getting dressed, getting into the car seat. That’s when they tend to get overwhelmed the easiest. And right now we’re all in this big transition, life is different. There’s a feeling something’s shifting and there’s an underlying stress going on. We’re not settled. So I would be very surprised if my child could follow a direction. They might if I say it very calmly. So I’m not already annoyed that you’re doing that. If I say it like, “Oh, it looks like you got that, could you please put it down?” in a very safe way. I’m your safe person. I am not going to add to your stress.
If we do it that way, a child may be able to follow the direction, but they also might not. So I would be ready even when I’m saying that to follow it up with, “Oh, it looks like that’s tough for you right now I’m going to come help”.
So when this parent talks about patience, that sounds more like I’m waiting for my child to finally get this and do what I want them to do, and as I’m saying, that isn’t going to work.
Instead of trying to be patient, try to be helpful. And know that, yes, we’re going to have to make it happen.
The way we want to start out is preventatively, so we can set ourselves and our child up for success, and so we don’t have things out and about that our child can get into and grab. We’re not letting them start to climb on us, let’s say. We’re stopping them in the beginning as early as possible. “Ooh, looks like you want to climb up. Yeah, I’m just not in the mood for that right now”, and meanwhile my hand is there making it impossible for you to do that. I’m on top of these things. I’m not waiting and expecting that you’re going to have great behavior right now and perfect manners.
And this is going to be especially true, of course, in the late afternoon or bedtime when my child is tired or hungry or has other reasons to be stressed.
The other reason not to repeat ourselves, besides the fact that it’s not going to help and it’s going to frustrate us, the other reason is that every time we do it, we’re actually stressing our child out more. Because our child feels our annoyance with them. Our child feels: Oh, they’re asking me to do something that I know I’m supposed to do, but I actually just can’t right now. I don’t know why I can’t, but I can’t (if they could express what’s going on with them). I just feel so stuck doing this thing and now this is wrong and I’m wrong and I make my parent upset and they’re not going to love me.
All of those things only heighten the stress that children feel. And a child can be quiet and seem to be okay, but they’re still in this arousal state inside, and that means they’re ready to go off at any minute.
This is the same with us as adults, but our threshold is higher because we do have self-control. We do have the ability to say: Oh okay, this is a different weird time. We have a context for what’s going on and we have mature self-control and self-regulation, hopefully.
But most of us can even relate ( I know I can), to feeling stuck doing some impulsive behavior that I know isn’t great for me — not doing the things I know I should be doing. And then if people are mad at me or they don’t understand me or I’m not living up to their expectations, I’m going to feel even worse, and it gets harder and harder for me to “behave well”. And it a little bit sounds like that might be where this parent is going to, because then she feels guilty that it’s not working. She’s impatient, so she’s making it hard for herself to self-regulate and to see clearly what’s going on.
This isn’t about that this parent isn’t saying it enough or saying it the right way or that she’s a bad person or that she doesn’t love her children. She is doing a normal thing that is so easy for us all to do because that’s the way we usually think. We think reasonably. Somebody says, “Oh, don’t do that. I don’t want you to do that”, we’re probably not going to keep doing it. So it’s hard for us to get out of our own perception of things as adults and remember how different it is to be a child.
And then things like when she says “Stop touching things that aren’t yours. Don’t play with the toilet paper.” So when she’s taking her daughter to the toilet, put your hand over the toilet paper and don’t let her touch it. And if she’s coming in with you to the bathroom when she doesn’t need to be there, I would consider having a lock on the door and taking your space so that you don’t have to worry about what she’s going to do when she’s in there.
She says, “Don’t touch the couch after eating without washing hands.” So one thing you could do is have a washcloth right there at the table that’s in a little bucket or something, or on a plate, and you have it already wet, and before you let your child leave the table, you stop them and you lovingly wash her hands.
These are things that we do when we understand that our child can’t control themselves right now very easily. At her age, with this situation, with the eight-month-old brother, it’s already going to be tough for her to feel settled in herself. So I would give her that extra help by being ready for her to do the impulsive things instead of being surprised, trying things again and again that aren’t going to work, and then beating yourself up for it or feeling guilty.
I don’t have that many rules of thumb that I share because every situation feels nuanced to me. I do believe in the rule of thumb: don’t repeat yourself to a child. Because if they’re not stopping the first time, there’s a very good chance that they are showing that they need help. They need us to come in physically and help, way before we get angry and frustrated with them, which is again, about our expectations, about the way we’re perceiving.
I realize that this is not by any means easy, but it gets much easier when you get in the groove of it and then you see how it works, how grateful your child is on some level. Not that they’re going to say, “Oh, thank you mommy for taking that toy away from me that I was abusing”, but they will settle into: Phew, I’ve got somebody that loves me, that’s not blaming me, that’s safe. They’re helping me when I need help. They’re seeing me. They’re seeing that I’m lost in these moments and I’m not a bad kid.
And then what happens? There’s less of this impulsive behavior because they feel less stressed, so it’s a win-win. And all it takes on our end is for us to visualize and practice a different way of seeing, a different understanding.
One thing that’s happening for all parents right now is that the challenges haven’t changed so much in terms of children and their behavior and our relationships with them and setting limits. But it’s all come under focus. And that can be a positive thing, because we can use this time as an opportunity to do things that will help us on any given day with our child — forever — to be able to understand this differently, understand our role as somebody that helps.
We expect them to be wobbly right now. And when the person can’t help themselves, we help them. We’re there.
So I really hope some of that helps ease this parent’s mind.
For more, please check out my books, both of which are available on audio, No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting. You can find them through my website or on audible.com, and you can also get them in paperback at Amazon and in ebook at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Apple.com.
Thanks for listening. We can do this.
So much of your advice relies on physically intervening. I have 3 yr old triplets and cannot physically intervene 90% of the time they need intervention. (Either already with another child or all three need intervention together.) Any suggestions?
With more than one child we need to prioritize and it’s even more important to be preventative — setting our environment up for success. Can you be specific as to your issues? It’s difficult to give blanket advice.
I have a similar issue (was just searching the website to see if this is addressed anywhere!) I have 3- and 4-year old boys. Generally they are very good, but bedtime has been challenging and they share a bedroom. We’ve got a good bedtime routine that we follow every night, but sometimes just as it is time to get in bed, they start to wind each other up and get out of bed, leave the room, run around the house, etc. They don’t follow our verbal instructions (which I have learned is an unreasonable expectation) but I can’t physically intervene with both of them, so I’m at a loss for what to do. I find myself raising my voice and repeating myself (“It’s time for bed. I know it’s hard when you wish you could still run around and play. I’m going to help you get back into your bed…” but this does not work at all. Please help!
Great advice; however, this doesn’t address the fact that taking something away from my child, even very calmly, will almost always result in a huge tantrum. Meaning, he is not going to just calmly accept me taking away something that he wants. (such as ipad, an outside toy that he wants inside, etc.). Will result in screaming, crying, yelling, etc. from him. Then what?
Agree. Then what do we say to an upset child? Would love to hear thoughts on how to deal with the aftermath.
This is when you refer to the approach and belief of letting our children have feelings and expressions of disapproval of something. They are allowed to be upset you took away the thing. That is a normal response to the situation but making that response a big deal is not helpful and will make it worse. I would suggest scanning through her blogs, podcasts for situations when a parent is now bothered by their kids response to the word NO. If we treat out kids as fully capable beings (as is the RIE way) then we understand that they are also allowed to have negative responses to boundaries but it doesn’t mean that boundary is wrong. Try this one maybe? Also, I may sound like it’s super simple but I struggle with this too. On a good day, I can handle the upset and tears but then others I just want it to stop NOW. That is what I’m usually maxed out and my bandwidth needs to be re-stocked.
We have 4 and 5 year old boys. And while the 5 year old is more mature, he still gets in a “yellow to red zone” state with us, mom and dad, and his brother throughout the day. And my 4 year old still acts like a baby. he melts down , hits. runs away and can’t be spoken too until he calms dow They feed off of each other as well making it more stressful. We treat the 5 year old with an underlying thought that he’s old enough to know better and I (not my husband) treat the 4 year old like he’s still just a baby and he can’t help himself. With them being just a year apart, parenting is getting messy and they are starting to work together against us. ( I say this with a smile) but really we feel lost in parenting right now. Is our 5 year able to regulate himself and how do we help him so he doesn’t mimick the 4 year old’s attention seeking ways?
Thank you! I really love this podcast. The idea of reframing how we perceive our child’s actions/behavior etc. is just what I needed to hear. I especially love that you are not asking us to try to change our child’s behavior and that you’re not giving a magic recipe for success. It starts with our way thinking. Thinking about our child needing help rather than as misbehaving is so simple and genius. This makes so much sense. Wow. Thank you.
Yay! I’m so glad it’s helpful, Jenny. Thank you for your kind comment.
Thank you xxx
I feel like I was able to do this when I just had one child, but now I have a 3.5 year old and 9 month old twins. I’m really struggling with the 3.5 year old bothering the babies. I know in my head she doesn’t understand that they just want to be left alone to explore, but I just doing the repeating thing. One of the most stressful times is when I’m trying to get all 3 of them ready to go outside. I’m not even sure how it happened but the other day, my 3.5 year old wrapped one twin up in a blanket and pulled him causing him to hit his head on the floor while I was struggling to get the other twin dressed. How can I make this daily event less stressful, especially when everyone is already screaming or asking for help at the same time?
I find that even when I physically try to prevent or stop my 3.5 year old from doing something she shouldn’t (like climb on me for example), she will continue to push to do it and I have to then decide if I’m comfortable physically trying to stop her (doesn’t feel right to wrestle her off me with force). I’ll try to just stand up to get her off. If my other child is getting into trouble in the background and I need to attend to them I sometimes don’t have the time to be thorough in this process with my 3 year old and my frustrations come through. I think my 3 year old just wants to see if she can make me angry!! I love the idea of prevention but I am not sure how that looks when it seems both children are constantly looking for ways to get themselves into trouble or get a reaction from me.
spot on, like always. thanks janet!
Pretty sure this would be a classic case of let the feelings be. Expecting a small child to calmly accept the removal of a toy or whatever seems like the perspective is still not quite reasonable. Help them not hurt themselves or others, don’t get caught up in the emotions. Maybe someone else can list a few specific podcasts/posts for you to check out, there are many here.
I 100% resonate with Eileen’s comment that
“So much of your advice relies on physically intervening.”
My 3-year old often likes to play “pretend sleep” on the couch when it is time for a nap or bed as a fun joke. After I end up repeating myself that it is not time to play, I usually just start walking up the steps. Which typically ends in tears. I really would rather not “help” by forcibly picking her up to go up the steps.
In this situation, I can’t change the environment. A “we won’t have time for books” sometimes does the trick, but again it just feels like a threat and introduces antagonism to the situation.
Hi Jeff – Yes, my advice often relies on physically intervening because that’s the kind of help and nurturing touch that young children tend to need.They crave that physical connection. With the pretend sleep, I would try to catch this early. Instead of “repeating myself that it is not time to play,” which is a waste of your words because both of you know that already, I would notice, “Aha, there’s my little girl about to sleep on the coach. No, my dear, we’re going to go up to bed instead.” When you catch these behaviors early with a light, confident attitude, the physical effort needed is usually much less. I call this “confident momentum” and share more about it here:https://www.janetlansbury.com/2016/07/confident-momentum-how-to-stop-battling-your-toddlers-resistance-and-defiance/
As always, thank you for this. I suddenly find myself in the trough of repeating, so re-reading your articles/podcasts helps me to climb out and start again. Life is always better when I remember she is not trying to get anything but help: I miss the village idea, because I would love for an auntie to step in … but it’s just us, so I use an Elmo puppet. It gives me a break and my daughter is So Happy to share her vulnerability with Elmo. Last night, I used her stuffed fox. My daughter is a worrier and talking it out with Elmo or other, starting with a hug, just works. Sometimes I find myself too tired, but have learned the effort saves the night.
Ughh I couldn’t even finish reading. I’m not fond of your writing style. The writing sample is too lenghty and could be written more concisely.
I don’t blame you, because this is not a written piece at all but the transcript of a podcast (which you might not like either).
Thank you for offering us multiple mediums through which to consume your advice! Sometimes listening works better for me and sometimes I need to read.
My pleasure, Hilary. I’m glad it’s helpful.
I also wonder about tantrums after taking it away.
I would like to add that acknowledging their feelings (I see you really want to play with the toilet paper) will make them feel more susceptible to your words, because they see you understand them + it makes them feel safe. And positive direction and reinforcing good behavior are great tools too: instead of saying to not do something, I turn it into a positive direction: chairs are for sitting (instead of saying don’t stand on the chair); it makes them feel better about themselves because we don’t point out what they are doing wrong. And reinforcing good behavior is great too: rule of thumb: for every thing they should do differently and you have pointed that out, you should give them two or three compliments about things they are doing correctly!.
Thank you for this valuable information. My question is, what should the approach be when I am trying to get my 3 year old to do something rather than not doing it. I understand helping them stops certain behaviors but what if I need her to brush her teeth or help clean up her toys? What is the best approach to avoid repeating myself then?
Need some advice for how to stop my 2yo throwing things at the cat
He will get a ball and throw it at the cat, I will tell him not to do that it will hurt her and take the ball away, then he will go and grab something else and throw it at her. I tell him it hurts her and she will get angry and scratch him and take away the next object. Then he will laugh find something else, say he is sneaking as he walks past me and keeps doing it. He is constantly testing us out at the moment, knowingly grabbing something he shouldn’t, that I have told him in the past not to throw as it will break and he looks at me, runs and throws it. I take it off him and he will go and find something else. I try to remain calm and firm, but he still thinks it is hilarious or he cracks it if he wants the toy back.
The list goes on and on, many things he is doing that my older 2 kids never did
They are 10 and 12 and I used time out back then, but after reading much more gentle respectful parenting approaches I have decided to try your advice this time around.
Hi Janet – I’m having trouble getting my son dressed after getting out of the bath and also getting into the carseat every time we get into the car (he wants to do it by himself and he’s capable, but instead he gets into the car and 9 times out of 10, bounces on the seat, hangs out and just doesn’t get into the carseat). When I calmly say, “you’re having trouble getting into the carseat now, so I’m going to help you do it” he freaks out, fights it and arches his back, which I know is a typical tantrum. So when I “help” him into his carseat there is no way to do it gently and I feel like I am just dominating him and forcing him in which feels aggressive and wrong even when my words are calm. Getting out of the bath and into pajamas is a similar story. I have to pin him down to diaper and dress him. I’m sure you have suggestions?? Thank you!
I love you work. Thank you.
My question is this. My 4 year old daughter is constantly too rough with her 3 month old brother. I say things like you need to be more gentle about 50 times per day. I am correcting her with him constantly (I am correcting her with other things all day as well unfortunately). Do you have any suggestions on getting her to stop being rough with her brother? Thanks so much!
Hi!! I use all of these techniques and it works great with my almost three year old, however, what about the times that I can not physically intervene?? I have a 6mo baby and if he’s just fallen asleep and is still nursing… I can’t set him down to physically intervene or even try to physically intervene while holding him (then he wakes up crying and doesn’t nap and it cranky…). Please, help! I love all of your advice! I just don’t know what to do right now when I’m trying to put the baby down for a nap.
What I’m currently trying: I tell him that it’s baby’s nap time and that he can choose to either play quietly in his bedroom or in the play room. Then I close my bedroom door and put the baby down. I feel like that’s working but he’s struggling with not wanting to be alone and sometimes it doesn’t work so I have to lock to the door as well otherwise he will come in my room screaming and yelling and wake up baby (and scare baby). And he knows the rule that he’s only allowed to yell in his room and that I will lock my door if he does that during babys nap. All been communicated to him. But then he just goes to his room and cries hysterically, saying “mommy, mommy, mommy..” until he finds something to do or I come out and he asks me to wipe his tears because “I was calling you and you wouldn’t come”.
I know he’s having a difficult time rn with needing extra assurance because of a new baby and because of milestones and being almost three, but I feel like I can’t always give him what he needs of baby won’t nap. But leaving to put the baby down upsets him to and he doesn’t understand that if he doesn’t wake the baby, then, we get one on one time. I’ve explained that till blue in the face. Lol.
And also, sometimes, baby just doesn’t nap because of teething and or milestones ect. ♀️