As a parenting teacher and writer, my intention is to support, encourage, and answer questions. So I feel a teensy twinge of guilt when I’m asked for advice about toilet training, and my response is, essentially, don’t.
Children don’t need adults to train them to use the toilet. They do need attuned, communicative parents and caregivers to support and facilitate the toilet learning process, a process that is individual to each child.
These are the 3 main reasons I don’t recommend adult-led toilet training:
It’s unnecessary
I have no recollection of my younger two children learning to use the toilet. I vaguely remember the beginning of this process with my first child, but only because I was flabbergasted when she initiated an interest at 18 months and had completed the process by two years old.
My experiences illustrate the normal, natural, ho-hum process that successful toilet learning can be when parents don’t invest in it. Hundreds of parents I’ve worked with over the years have reported similar experiences.
This begs the question: why would we add toilet training to our already overloaded job description when doing less works just as well, if not better? Why risk the headaches, power struggles and resistance, frustrations and failures? Why be a taskmaster when we can relax, enjoy, and take pride in supporting our child’s self-directed achievement?
It’s risky
Toddlers have a developmentally appropriate need to resist parents, and if parents have an agenda around toilet training, healthy toddlers are inclined to push back, even if they might have been otherwise ready to begin using the toilet.
Child specialist Magda Gerber noted three types of readiness children need for toilet learning:
1. Physical: there is bladder and bowel capacity and muscle control.
2. Cognitive: children know when they need to eliminate urine and feces and are fully aware of what they are supposed to do.
3. Emotional: children are ready to let go of a situation they are used to and comfortable with (urinating and releasing feces into a diaper whenever they feel like it), and also let go, literally, of these waste products, which they perceive as belonging to them.
The emotional readiness factor usually comes last, is the most fragile, and also the most powerful. Bright, sensitive, aware toddlers can readily perceive a parent’s agenda. For some, the subtlest nudge toward the potty or being diaper-free can cause holding of urine or feces, delay toilet learning for months or even years, make toddlers feel ashamed, lead to severe constipation.
In this video, mother of twins Suzanne Schlosberg shares her cautionary tale about adult-led toilet training:
In It’s No Accident, the book Schlosberg coauthored with pediatric urologist Steve Hodges, parents are urged to slow down toilet training and informed that constipation — caused mostly by early/rushed potty training and poor diet -– is the root cause of virtually all bedwetting, toileting accidents, and recurrent UTIs. Schlosberg and Hodges also created this infographic (available as a free download) to increase awareness about constipation:
According to Schlosberg, “Most parents don’t know the signs of constipation (assuming it means “infrequent pooping”), it goes unrecognized, and kids suffer.”
I’ve learned over the years working with parents that toilet learning is nothing to mess with. I even cringe when parents tell me they’re “working on it,” because I’ve seen this attitude lead to problems all too often.
Granted, I hear mostly from the parents who are struggling and anxious. There must be many for whom toilet training techniques work. Why else would there be such a proliferation of toilet training books and products? Hmmm… marketers wouldn’t try to convince consumers they need something they really don’t, would they?
Kids deserve to own this accomplishment
There isn’t a long list of accomplishments toddlers can achieve. But they can do this, so I see no reason not to let them master this skill. There is no more powerful, confidence-building affirmation for toddlers than “I can do it myself.”
Toilet learning happens naturally and easily when we:
Invite children to actively participate in bathing, diaper changes, and other self-care routines from the time they are born. We invite active participation by communicating each detail respectfully: “I’m going to lift your bottom now so that I can wipe you. Can you help me lift?” Be careful not to transmit negative messages about body parts or feces and urine (“stinky, dirty”, etc.).
Model toilet use. Children naturally wish to do what parents and older siblings do.
Never force or even coax children to use the potty, but give clear behavior boundaries in general so that children aren’t tempted to use toilet learning as a testing ground. This sensitive and complex area of development needs to remain free and clear of power struggles.
Make a potty available. Some children like a small potty that allows their feet to reach the floor, while others prefer a seat that fits into the regular toilet.
Observe. Become a practiced observer. When children seem to be signaling an urge to eliminate (by touching their diapers, pressing their thighs togethers, etc.), ask matter-of-factly if they would like to use the potty. Calmly accept no for an answer.
Offer the choice of diapers or underwear when you sense children might be ready for toilet learning, always fully accepting their choice to stay in diapers.
Trust, trust, trust. As Magda Gerber advises in Your Self-Confident Baby, “Learning to use the toilet is a process that takes time. Rather than push or manipulate your child by giving him treats such as candy or a special reward for something that he will learn on his own, trust that he will learn it when he is ready. Respect is based on trust.”
For more support, here’s a podcast I recorded in response to a parent struggling with toilet training:
***
I share more about this respectful approach in
Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting
Recommended reading:
Toilet Learning Made Easy by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby
A Doctor Responds: Don’t Potty Train Your Baby by Steve J. Hodges, M.D.
It’s No Accident: Breakthrough Solutions to Your Child’s Wetting, Constipation, Utis, And Other Potty Problems by Steve Hodges, M.D. and Suzanne Schlosberg
In the Toilet and Toilet Troubles (on this blog)
(Photo by Russ on Flickr)
Thanks Janet for this post. I still have two in diapers. (I had asked you to post the potty training question on the forum.)
I pretty much learned I can trust my daughter to tell me when she needs and wants to go the potty but more often than not it is simply once per day is all. I ask sometimes if she wants a diaper or panties and she still picks diapers but I am glad it is a start. Our son still won’t poop in the potty but he solely uses a big potty now so that in of itself is a huge start! Thanks again for this insight! Aiming to trust and listen for when she is ready, Sherra
Sounds like a good plan, Sherra.
I agree with this approach when dealing with toddlers, and most success stories I hear about are when people say they, gave up the pressure and just let the kids go, or the a lot of stories about, they were just ready and started to go. These are the best stories.
I also believe in Elimination Communication/diaper free, what ever you want to call it. It is when you understand that even infants can recognize and communicate the need to urinate from birth, (they’ve been doing it in utero for months), and parents who watch and learn to read the signs can catch and help infants to go Ina receptacle of some sort. This works because I did it with my now four year old and she was toilet independent by about 14 months old. But never during this process did I force, coerce, use awards or make a big deal about it.
I looked for this solution because when I was pregnant I kept trying to think of what people in countries where they don’t have diapers do, and looked for the answers. the book Diaper Free Baby, is what I found and it helped me a lot.
Even now with my two year old, who I didn’t use this approach with, but was always talking and relaxed about the subject, is not toilet trained, but he knows what the potty is and I ask him if he wants to sit on it, mostly he sits for two seconds makes a peeing noise and then gets up, but sometimes he actually does pee. I’m not too worries or stressed about it because I know that one day it will just click for him and he’ll be fine.
But thanks for the post because there are days where I start to worry or think that I should be doing something or more because there are constant pressures from outside sources telling me to.
As for all those potty training books, a lot of them are sponsored by diaper companies, go figure!
During all my potty training years ( this is the fourth one), they’ve all been different, they’ve all learned in their own time and the best thing and only thing that worked was talking about it like it was a normal everyday thing, because it is!
Thank you for this post! My lingering question is when to offer the choice of underwear. My daughter really wants to wear underwear but only pees on the potty about 2 x a day, and never poops on the potty. I want to respect her choice but, having read Hodges, am concerned that allowing her to wear underwear before she has fully learned to use to potty would lead to holding. She has just turned 3.
Hi Janet! Thanks so much for your post. It’s funny, even having read all of your posts, I still assumed you were just leaving out allowing diaper free time because it was obvious. And still, even after you kindly gave me personal advice on Facebook, I have questions. I have been doing exactly as you say, leaving everything up to my son. And I truly, truly have no agenda. I absolutely trust him. Here are my questions: Once he uses the potty, do I then put diapers on him until he’s using it consistently of his own accord or do I offer underwear, leaving the choice up to him? I’m guessing this is individual to each child and that he will lead me through it. Sometimes he asks to go diaper free, probably because he spends time at his friend’s house once a week and the friend is often diaper free as a part of potty training. It’s summer and pretty hot and I understand the appeal of being bare so I accommodate his request, but I truly have no agenda with it. Is that OK? Gosh Janet – I’m so grateful for all your advice. I would never want my son to feel pressure or afraid to pee or poop. Thanks for saving us from doing the naked time. I honestly thought it was a necessary part of the process that you were just omitting because it was obvious. It seems like even the parents I’ve talked with who have been more relaxed about the process have included that part. Thanks again.
I totally agree with this. We did not toilet train our son (now 4). At 19 months he started sitting on the toilet but not doing anything, just sitting. He then started following his dad and I into the toilet when we went and would watch us carefully. Then he just started going in the toilet. We did nothing. We kept him in the nappy pants he had been wearing because I didn’t want to put any pressure on him. Over the weeks and months he went from using the toilet one or two times a day to every time he needed to go. Again, we did nothing. People would ask me how I toilet trained him and I would not know what to say. He had done it himself. My daughter is now just 2 and I had started ‘training’ her only to fail when she didn’t want to do it. I decided to back off completely and … she got up one morning a couple of weeks later and put herself on the toilet. She’s now figuring it out for herself. I have to say, it is far less stressful to allow them to work it out for themselves!
What if you have a little boy but no dad around to model potty training? How involved should you get making sure he knows using the toilet applies to him as a boy too?
Have him follow you into the bathroom just as if he was of another gender. Little boys can pee sitting down on the toilet, too. It seems like being a role model and having an open door policy on your own bathroom use is the way to go, regardless of gender.
just put him in nappies no matter what
Hi Janet, I agree with your suggestion of not using words like ‘stinky’ or ‘dirty’ to describe any diaper contents. I generally use ‘big’ or ‘small’ and let my 20-month-old daughter take a look at the contents after we have finished our changing routine. But how do I explain that I don’t want her to touch her feces or put her hands on the areas that need wiping while I am changing her? I don’t want to use ‘dirty’ but what other words can I use to easily explain that she may get sick if she touches the contents of her diaper and then puts her hands in her mouth? She is constantly trying to touch and gets angry when I ask her to move her hands away.
I usually explain that poop contains bacteria that can make us sick if we put our fingers in it and then put them in our mouth. I tell the toddler I work with that bacteria are really tiny organisms that exist in our bodies… some are good for us and some make us sick. I also use this explanation if the toddler doesn’t want me to change her poopy diaper: I tell her that we have to change her poopy diapers promptly because the poop has bacteria in it that can irritate her skin, and make her skin red and hurt a little bit. She always agrees with this and then we go and clean her up 🙂
Interesting POV, but this is coming from someone whose child potty trained by 2 yrs. Not my experience or that of most people I know who have tried the non-training “method” or elimination communication or traditional methods. It is so much more difficult with multiple children too. Of course, potty training needs to be developmentally appropriate for your child and you need to pay attention to signs for readiness (duh).
The things listed here as tactics to promote self-learning are what I call potty training and are obvious steps in the process. This begs the question, what are you assuming is “potty training?”
I disagree with giving the choice of diapers or underwear when all the signs and abilities for using the potty are there. My son embraced the potty once we got rid of diapers all together by removing that crutch. We encouraged him to embrace this idea and he found he didn’t need them.
Kate – I’m not sure I understand your point. I made it very clear that I was advising against adult-led toilet training. You obviously believe in the adult-directed method. Is it not possible for you to disagree without rudeness, “duh”, etc.?
Hi Janet –
While I agree with you on most things, I strongly disagree with your advice here. To the contrary, I believe that respecting an infant means offering them the potty from a very young age . It fosters a strong bond because it helps a parent communicate with his/her child & teaches one to listen to his/her cues. As to the traditionally cited requirements for potty-readiness, they are frankly just wrong. Children throughout most of the world are toilet learned before age 2 – it is only Western culture that allows babies to sit it their own waste for our convenience. Perhaps if you considered it less “training” and more of “offering” the toilet you would see how practicing EC (elimination communication) actually aligns with the core principles of RIE.
Hi Ann-Margaret – With respect, I don’t see how holding an infant over a toilet can be considered “offering” the toilet (as if babies had the power or ability to say, “Please don’t. I’d prefer not to be interrupted and placed in this awkward position”). This is clearly a decision that the parent has made. Believe and do as you wish, of course, but I can assure you that EC does not align with the core principles of RIE. It is a bit offensive to me that you would presume to know more about Magda Gerber’s principles than Magda herself did.
For me, who feels EC is very right for us, I see it differently. By taking an infant’s cue that she needs to ‘go’, where she likely has stopped up from being busy with what she was busy with, you connect with her, acknowledge that you see she needs to go, wait for her response to you, hold her in a position so she can go, communicating with her, and where she can very ably communicate if she does not wish to participate at any point, and you respect this, then for me it is no different than laying her respectfully on a changing mat and assisting her through a diaper change. I know that holding her in a certain position is not ‘natural development’, just as I will hold her upright to help her burp when needed before she can get herself into that position herself. That is how I see it.
Of course, like with everything, ECing can be done with more of an agenda and pressure from the parents. But from a ‘pure’ ECing point of view, I see ECing being free from that.
Devon – I am sincerely glad to hear this is working for you. As always, my posts are for the people they help.
Please don’t get me wrong. I greatly enjoyed your post as always, and find so many important reminders and view-points in it. I remember coming across a similar article in terms of constipation (I think by Steve Hodges actually…no wonder it was so similar :P) which is something I had no knowledge of, and it made me think through my approach to pottying and re-focus me again, as did your article here as well.
Child-led is the key, truly, and remembering or finding reminders (like through your articles) to again re-evaluate where I am coming from to make sure it truly is about my child and not myself, as ‘self’ can often start to sneak in without me realizing it.
ECing for us has actually not meant diaper free, it has been about the connection and communication. I found us following similar ‘steps’ as you outline here actually, in terms of moving toward non-diapers and 100% going on the toilet with my eldest daughter who is now almost 3.5 years old.
With much respect.
Thank you for clarifying and sharing your thoughts. I would love to hear more about the transition from EC to autonomous toilet use.
(Sorry, I have a tendency to write long…)
It was a really smooth transition in the end.
To prelude this, in EC you can be doing EC 100% of the time with the child always in a diaper (though of course that makes it hard to communicate about the pees at the time of action, as they can be more ‘stealthy’ executed). We started doing EC proactively from when she was 3 months old – offering her the potty if she hadn’t peed in a while and at ‘generic’ times, etc., and at that time she would poop in the mornings so it was easy to offer her the potty for that.
We communicated 100% of the time (if she was pooping, for example, and I knew it, I would sportscast and let her know I would help her change her diaper when she was finished; if I was holding her and I felt her diaper get warm I would do the same), but used a diaper most of the time until she was about 12-14 months old, except when she would be naked a bit before/after baths and diaper changes or laying and playing on the floor sometimes when she was really young. She really enjoyed being naked 🙂
She started signing that she needed to use the potty at around 9 months old, and I started catching that she was signing she had to go potty at around 10 months old, at which time she was *thrilled* I finally had caught on. From then on she would sign she had to go potty several times a day, and I would then take her to the potty, letting her control the process, while also offering her at ‘generic’ times (and respecting her if she let me know she didn’t want to go).
In much EC literature it is common to choose diaper free for the child, either to learn the child’s rythm, or because you are choosing a diaper-free way of life, and there will be many times the child goes in her pants rather than on the potty. For a young child this will be either because she is choosing to or because you aren’t ‘in sync’ with her – offering her at the right time, and for an older mobile child I believe this is most of the time by choice, perhaps experimenting with holding the bladder (too long), or perhaps because she is focused on play and forgets, etc., or because it is something she can control. I’m not an expert, but these are my thoughts on it.
In some of the literature we are encouraged to push through if we wish (not ‘give up’ and put a diaper back on)…not shaming or blaming the child or putting pressure on her, but calmly and guilt-free reminding her that pee and poop goes in the potty/toilet, and we should just deal with changing clothes several times a day.
For us, by the time she was about 16 months old or so, she would start out in a diaper and then often be diaper free when I was at home, but would still daily pee in her pants/in the diaper as well as go in the potty. I felt this peeing in the pants create stress in me even though I tried not to get stressed, and I believe it created stress in her even though I know it was she who was choosing to (I believe it was her way of controlling the process…controlling what she could control).
I realized it kind of comes down to the same as throwing food, imo. The child knows she shouldn’t, but she chooses to do it, and as a parent we can decide after it happens once whether we will say “You are throwing your food – I believe you are finished eating so I will put away the remaining food now” or “Please do not throw your food” x 10 (the benefit of the former vs the latter can be found oh-so well formulated in your articles :).
Realizing this, and also feeling the stress was not beneficial to either of us, I would decide after a while that instead of repeating myself each time she went in her pants, it was best for us that she not have the option of diaper or no diaper for a while again, just have her wear a diaper and then help her take it off (and put it on again) when she would say she needed to use the potty. We talked about it and I explained why. So, I would say we were still practicing EC, but not diaper-free.
This happened three times. Meaning, she was diaper free consistently during the day without ‘accidents’ twice, but after a few weeks started peeing in her pants again (1st time was when she was 18 months, and she started peeing in her pants again three weeks into a four week holiday visiting with relatives in a different country, which led to a lot of stress for her; 2nd time was when she was 2, she was diaper-free consistently during the day a few weeks before our second daughter was born and we moved twice – once intercontinentally – within two months).
The 3rd and final time was when she was 2y 9m or so, a week before we moved back to our other country, and she said to me she didn’t want to wear a diaper. It was right before another stressful time (a big move) but she didn’t go back to peeing in her pants. The difference here was perhaps that the move this time was to our own space with calm and consistency and non overstimulation (while last time it had been to living with relatives and to a place with WAY MUCH stimulation, and she is a sensitive soul), and I think perhaps more importantly that it was 100% fully her bringing it up, not me (which is in line with what you write in this article).
Then a week or so after we got back she made the same decision for her night diaper, and she hasn’t worn a diaper since. She has had a few accidents in the past 6 or so months, but only a handfull. Wet her bed three times I think, a couple months ago, and sometimes pees on the floor – mostly only in the last couple months.
I started ECing our second daughter at birth, and have been doing less diaper free time as we have carpets this time around. She is 14 months old now though, and uses the potty several times a day, always at her request (she still needs help to pull down her pants and take her diaper off, but can sit down on the potty by herself). Lately she prefers not to wear a diaper (shakes her head and tries to run away laughing when we want to put a diaper on after her bath or after she’s been on the potty, or lets us know she wants to take her diaper off), but she will conciously experiment with peeing on the floor rather than in the potty if we respect her desire to go diaper free – and since pee is not something *I* have the desire to clean out of the carpet all the time, she currently only gets to go diaper free in the bathroom 😉
I have no expectation for when she will autonomously be going to the bathroom.
Add-on thought to the long rambled reply:
Though, looking at the throwing food analogy in a different way, one could say that you wouldn’t stop feeding your child just because you knew she would throw the food during a phase, just like some people choose to ‘push through’ several wet pants a day and not put a diaper on their child. So really it is a choice for the parent/child, what is right for them at that time 🙂
‘give clear behavior boundaries in general so that children aren’t tempted to use toilet learning as a testing ground’
I’d be really interested to hear in more detail about this and what you view are boundaries worth setting?
Thanks for asking, Juliette. I’ve written loads about this and am actually publishing a new book about boundaries in September. Here’s one of my many posts on this subject: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/05/setting-limits-with-toddlers-the-choices-they-cant-make/
Looking forward to the new book! The thing that I have struggled with is procrastination and repeatedly asking to go to the toilet in a short time period, obviously both linked to wanting my attention (tricky when you have a baby as well!), and I find it hard to know where to draw the line over those things. It’s not a major issue at the moment but it has been in the past.
What do you do when day care or preschool requires that a child be potty-trained and won’t even allow pull-ups? That’s a very common reason for parents to rush training, because they have to enroll their child but they have to be 100% dry and clean all the time. Please offer some options for people who have no choice but to place their child in day care/preschool–not everyone can stay home!
Honestly, Rose, what I would do is lose interest in that day care or preschool. I feel similarly about academic preschools. In these cases, for the welfare of our children, I believe that the educators need to be educated. I realize that we must make lots of hard choices as parents…but I would not risk my child’s health just to be admitted to a school or care facility that does not understand child development.
I find this an interesting viewpoint. I must admit that although I am “educated” I do still work in a preschool that requires children to be potty trained. I do wonder how you feel that much learning can be done in a classroom if teachers must continually stop to change diapers or make multiple trips to the bathroom. Granted there are two teachers in our room but I as a parent would be sending my child to school to gain the skills they need to be successful and would wonder how well this would be done when one of the teachers is spending the majority of their time changing/assisting children.
I’m wondering what kinds of “skills” and teachers’ agendas you are speaking of. The research shows that preschoolers develop cognitive, creative, motor and social skills through play. They also learn a great deal by participating with adults in self-care tasks like diaper changes, handwashing, preparing snacks and meals, etc. Children embrace every aspect of life as a learning opportunity.
Hi Janet,
I am new to RIE and have not had a chance to read Madga yet, however I have read some of your posts and found them helpful, I still have tons of learning to do. At the same time I have come across EC lately. My Son is 8 months old and very communicative and I was thinking of trying EC – not realizing it would be opposed to RIE principles. When he was younger I was aware of when he needed to pee/poo. Now I am less aware, and I believe it is also because he is less aware (maybe because he is busy with the world). If I model using the toilet and make the toilet available to him – what else can I do to encourage him to use the potty at this age? I believe that it is possible (with him) – not necessarily all children to have him use the potty in a respectful manner.
Hi J – these choices are up to you, but my advice is to wait, let go, and allow your boy to lead the way so that he can, eventually, be the one to own this important accomplishment.
What you say about him being busy is true. EC recommends starting long before 8 months because the babies become busy with other developmental tasks.
I started EC almost from birth (after he was about 2 weeks old) and it went amazing!! My shortfall was that, as I learned about there “ques” for when they need to go, I always knew what they were, even all thru the night and so I EC’d all night too (and when they are little they go ALOT). It was an amazing experience, but if I could go back, I would completely NOT do it at night, as it was, already, I have a partner that is completely not involved at all – and so I absolutely exhausted myself and most especially my shoulder muscles, lifting him up in the middle of the night from a dead of sleep often… then, when he started to crawl, just as EC predicts, he lost all interest (right when he was completely diaper free), and never quite got it back (as he LOVED to crawl, then walk, then run…and didn’t want to be interupted). EC is very specific to do there guided way in completely gentle child-led ways; but it is very hard at times to remember to be completely laid back about it – but I always tried. All in all, he is now 2 1/2 and if he is running around the house without anything on his bottom, he most ALWAYS uses the toilet on his own, but only sometimes when he has a diaper on, and when he does, it is lead by him… I love this article because as for me, it is a natural extension of the EC approach, and it works well with the place that we are at now – thanks!!
What you say about him being busy is true. EC recommends starting long before 8 months because the babies become busy with other developmental tasks.
So I’ve been following this method but not on purpose, but because I have no energy to even try to toilet train my 2year old now that we also have an 8month old. So good to know I was doing the right thing lol! My question is, do you recommend kids books that talk about learning to use the potty? We use books to explore a lot of topics with him so I feel like it would be a helpful accompaniment but I don’t feel the need to pressure or push him.
Yes, Liz, books are always wonderful, especially for helping children to understand new situations.
Great post Janet! I feel encouraged, relieved and supported to be gentle and loving while my daughter learns to use the toilet as her own pace.
Thanks, Monica! “Encouraged, relieved and supported” is exactly what I’d hoped for.
Well, I hate to say anything controversial but I do feel like putting in my two cents as a 30 year toddler teacher. I believe that plastic diapers, where temperatures get astoundingly high, cause children to form a deviated body image. They think “my groin area is meant to be very warm” which is a disincentive to using the toilet. Instead they want to put on a diaper, wet it, and “normalize” their groin area. I write about it here. http://regardingparents.wordpress.com/2014/08/13/cloth-diapers-toilet-learning/
I have been following pretty much RIE principles with alot of success. The latest worry is my 2.5 year old boy has up until now been totally fine with the diaper changes, letting me know when its time for one and so forth. However now he is SOO busy and taken up with his play that he gets very upset sometimes when I smell a poo and start chatting about heading to the change mat he starts to cry and says “no diaper change”. I have tried leaving it for a bit and waiting to see if he initiates it, but its getting longer and longer before he does, that in the end it literally means he ends up with a decent diaper rash (and or very messy pants) that takes days to clear. So it has meant that we end up warning him, saying in a few minutes we will be changing that diaper, if we get a good moment, that’s fine. A not so good moment we end up having to carry him out for a diaper change with tears (no screams or anything, just sad for the interruption and lack of control I think). What do you think? Is this the best way to approach it?
As for the potty, its sitting there, its been talked of and even tried (while standing over it like daddy!) but he has shown very little interest besides it being exciting and new. But he is that busy and diapers are so handy… I hope that he will just decide one day that peeing in the potty is preferable to his pants!
He will learn in time. My son who is now nearly 16 didn’t show much interest at that age. Six months later at 3 it was all accomplished in about a month. A fortnight after he was dry during the day, he was out of nappies at night.
Hi Simone, don’t forget that there are choices we have to make for our toddlers even when they get upset about it. Changing a diaper is something that needs to be done in a timely manner. My child is the same way, and I believe we can be calm and respectful while telling them it’s time to have a diaper change now (saying something like, it’s been 10 minutes since you’ve pooped and is time to put it in the toilet where all your poop goes).
To generate interest, it may help to model and talk about the toilet and bodily functions in a normal day to day way. You could say, you will someday use the toilet to poo and pee like mom and dad do. We have dry pants because we pee in the toilet etc.
Hope that helps
Hi janet,
We let things go with our 3 year old son. Wie offered him the choice to wear diaper or underwear. Once before bed time he did Not want the diaper. Unfortunately my husband got nervous and said he should use a push up., that night he lost self esteem and had a diaper. My husband felt sorry and talked with our son the next morning. Luckiley the next night He didnot want a diaper again and is since that night at night without diaper. Two weeks later He also had underwear at daytime because He wanted the underwear.
Just one question left. When we are doing a long car ride on the motorway without a possibility to stop, we asked him to join our strategic stopps to pee and explain why. Is this ok?
Regards ira
My grandmother (who raised 10 children) explained, when asked by my father about toilet training–“how should I know how to potty train, when there was one less set of diapers in the wash, there was one more kid using the toilet”
I think she would agree with your approach!
Hi Janet,
We are really struggling over here and the “trust” approach is wearing thin. When my son entered pre-school at 3, his teachers felt that he was expressing an interest in potty training and followed his lead by putting him in underpants and encouraging potty use throughout the day. However, at home he often told me he didn’t want to wear underpants at school. I shared this with his teachers and they assured me that there was no pressure involved and that he was enthusiastically wearing underpants at school and staying dry during naps, etc. When we began to expect his to wear underpants on the weekend, my son refused to saying they were “only for school”. He is now closing in on 5 and still only in underpants when at school. He will use the potty at home after school for pee. He has never used it for poo and puts on a pull up to poo. A few months ago, my husband and I started talking to him about wearing underpants when his current stash of pull ups ran out. He seemed on board but when the day came, he refused to take his nighttime pull-up off, lied and said he was wearing underpants and just clearly indicated he wasn’t ready. So we backed off and keep waiting for him to decide he is ready but it seems no where in sight. He regularly overflows his pull ups with pee at night because he refuses to even pee in the potty before bed. He also poops in his pull up, doesn’t tell us and gets a rash. My husband and I are really stuck over this and have no idea how to intervene. Any advice?
I entirely agree with Janet’s comments regarding preschools which “require” toilet training and “don’t allow” nappies/diapers. Get a different pre school!
Both our daughters had time sitting on the potty with a book as part of their bath time routine from the time they were able to sit unaided (I forget what age it was, maybe 6-8 months old?) Their nappies were always changed in the bathroom. They were always allowed to watch us using the toilet. Both soon elected to only poo in the potty (which I found actually took all the work out of nappies). Then both at age 25 months decided that they wanted to wear pants instead of nappies. We (& their brilliant pre school) went with their lead and it took a week or two for them to perfect it. It was a few months longer til they were dry at night.
Obviously, none of this would have been possible without the support and understanding of the pre-school.
Dear Janet,
I want to thank you for introducing to RIE principles, your blog is actually life changing. Like many readers I wish I’ve found it earlier..
Regarding toilet training I am in doubts – my 4th child is now over 9 months and I am seriously considering whether it is worth starting early or not (understand you don’t recommend to). However, I am astounded that nobody raises the ecology question as for me this is the main reason to consider early toilet training, it is awful to know that mountains of used diapers are polluting our planet… for me it is a moral issue – when you see your weekly diaper bucket don’t you shudder imagining all the babies growing up in diapers up to 2 and more years? What are your thoughts on this?
This is what I was wondering too Georgia. I had thought about doing EC when I have my baby – respectfully following the baby’s cues – with a big environmental aspect in mind.
When I travelled through China, none of the rural women were using nappies (cloth or plastic) and their babies all had outfits with holes in the bum so the pee and poo could flow freely! I’d never seen anything like it before but it definitely intrigued me!
Hi Janet,
I’m new to your blog and to REI, so all these concepts are new to me but reading a few if your posts I feel like they make sense and it’s a parenting approach I’d like to adopt.
That said, I was instinctively letting my 3 year old lead the way (after learning in psychology class if they aren’t ready there’s no training that will work). He pees in the potty if he’s naked, he asks to go pee and likes to dump the pee in the big toilet and flush it down. Which leads me to believe he is ready. But with the recent addition to our family I find myself sleep-deprived and stressed and I react in a negative way when poops. How can I continue to be patient and how can I encourage him, or even, what should my reaction should be even when in my head I’m thinking I’m tired of this and this stinks (figuratively and literally!)?
Read this with interest! My youngest daughter is three years and seven months and is showing precious little interest in using the potty or toilet. I give her the choice and more often than not she declines potty. Very occasionally she asks to use the toilet with her special seat. Nothing happens though! She has urinated a couple of times in the potty, and she was very pleased with herself. But no interest since! I have encouraged the use of toilet or potty, in what I thought was a non pressurising way. So I had already decided to not worry about it. Nice to read that this is considered by some to be the right approach. The only concern I have is that my daughter seems to show no awareness of when she has filled her nappy, or she doesn’t care! She actually tells me she wants to wear nappies forever! Is there anything else I can do or shall I just wait it out longer. fortunately my preschool are quite happy with children in nappies so no problems there. My two other daughters were dry in the day at two and through the night by four!
Same problem here Emma Kelly! My daughter is 3.5. She will pee and poop on the toilet when I lead the way, but shows no other interest. Won’t tell me when she needs to go and is totally ok with sitting in a wet or messy diaper. Our preschool allows diapers so I am not freaking out about it. I’ve been told that she is really smart for her age and she is just so engaged in everything around her that potty training is just not a priority in her mind.
I’m hoping that a switch will just turn on some day soon and she will decide it’s time.
I truly did try to watch for the signs that my son needed to use the toilet. While I have an older child (daughter) I did not go through potty training with her. My mother did it because I was deployed to Iraq during the age that she needed to make the transition from diapers to underpants.
I was excited about getting to have this experience with my son. It. Was. A. Nightmare. He wanted nothing to do with the toilet, or the potty, we tried no diapers and going to the bathroom with Dad so he could see how it was done. Which worked when my husband was home but when he was out to sea, not so much. he would show the signs of needing to go and I would ask him do you have to go to the bathroom? He would say no and keep playing. I would wait a bit longer and ask and he would say no again. I would turn the light is on and say if you have to go the bathroom is ready. No such luck. The soiled underpants, the exasperation that he had with me because he would have to stop playing to go to the bathroom. The curiosity about poop that I would have to clean off the walls, bed, toys, and the door when he would poop in the morning or at night before I or my husband awoke. Poop smear art is no fun :(. Then it dawned on me. My son likes to learn through games, singing and play so I turned it into a game. I set a timer and told him that everytime we hear the timer we have to run to the potty and use it. Really use it. I would sometimes hold my needs so that there would be something to show him. I was really hopeful the first time the timer went off and we raced to the bathrooms. It took him a few days to get it. Then one Saturday morning the timer dinged, He went to his bathroom and I went to mine. When I emerged he was waiting at the door to see what I did and I showed him the yellow water. Then he ran to his bathroom and showed me HIS YELLOW Water!!! Thank The Lord! He said look mommy my water is yellow like yours. A high five, hugs and kisses was his reward, along with confirmation about what a big boy he is. He was all smiles and skipped away happy about his accomplishment. We kept up the timer game for a few months and then when I saw that he was going on his own before the timer we stopped. He’s 8 now. I have asked him if he remembers the timer game. He says no and that’s okay because if I had made it traumatic for the both of us he surely would have remembered that. I have always tried to reach and teach my children in the way that is best for them as individuals and that works with how they learn. Each child is different.
Wow, there were many good questions at the end that I would love to hear thoughts on (like the child that still hasn’t stopped using diapers at 5 and the ecological aspect to diapers) – I remember learning about EC I thought how great it would have been for my middle child who took soooo long to be conscious of his peeing at night since EC helps one stay conscious of it from the get go, if you use it right away – it was obvious for my now toddler when I used it, that he definitely gave the signs/signals he had to go and was conscious of it, making it obvious that diapers actually create the infant to become unconscious of there doings/or rather – it’s a training in itself, as the EC says – it is training the infant that the place to go is the diaper..My older child, who did not get the benefit of EC, as I hadn’t heard of it, kept wetting the bed till age 7 – his doctor gave the absolute MIRACLE cure that worked literally overnight (this happened when we got a new doctor) – which was to put a few saline drops in his eyes right before bed, yeah weird, go figure, I guess it stimulates the hormones that helps one be aware at night or something, I don’t know, but it WORKED! It was amazing and we didn’t have to use it long at all,…trying to remember, but I think it was something like a week!
I used EC with both of my children and we NEVER had any emotional issues with using the toilet. Both (while they still needed help managing their clothing) were completely capable and aware of their elimination before age 2. EC was also never made an all or nothing thing for us so it never became stressful. We used plenty of diapers, too. I disagree with the 3rd MG point about emotional readiness and feel it need only be present when diapers are used and eliminating into them becomes normal. In my experience babies and toddlers can be shown very early on and in a gentle cooperative way that we strive to avoid eliminating into our clothing. I have also observed that my children were physically capable of retention as well as capable of making the connection and having the unpleasant awareness of sitting in their own excrement from a much earlier age than I expected. As an EC parent my role was to facilitate the toileting process (which is made MUCH more difficult by clothing) until they could manage themselves. We also did a LOT of thinking outside the bathroom. They were not interrupted for diaper changes or to go to another room if they needed to use the toilet as we used pants that were very easy to remove and they spent lots of their time bottomless. Little ergonomically correct potties were always handy and misses were frequent but never a big deal with hardwood floors – a miss often became a gentle teaching moment. Even though clothing is of course necessary at times, it is really something that we impose on our children in the toddler years. I feel it is an important step to recognize that when we bundle their bottoms it creates a barrier to their learning/observing how their body works. It is very possible to stay respectful and gentle and still parent them through this process instead of ignoring it – which I have come to believe is part of the typical diapering process. Once that mental shift is made it becomes instinctual to tune into their cues and help them when you know they need it.
I dont really understand the constipation issue.
How come those twins were potty trained and the signs of constipation only showed a year later?
If my child starts having accidents, how do you recognize that this is due to constipation when all pooping seems normal?
The video says not to train kids at 2 as they may suffer from constipation. But as someone already mentioned above, in many countries potty training at 2 or even earlier is common and most kids are fine with it. So what is really the risk, are you saying to wait “just in case” as the child may be one out of a hundred who wil suffer such problem a year after they are diaper free?
What the OC is say is for parents who are working and just assume that potty training can be put on a schedule and just completed.
Consipation from potty training is when the parent uses incorrect or just bad training methods to train their kids or just forcing the potty traing on a kid who eather dosnt want to potty train(prefers diapers like a squerity blanket) or isnt plainly ready for it(kid screams for diaper or crys when parent trys to get kid on potty).
Understand that this isnt the parents milestone but the child’s milestone. Give your kid the dignity to respect what they want.
If they want to potty train and they tell you. Then go for it and help them with the tools like pull ups and charts and such
If they dont want to potty train,then STOP trying to get them to train. Diapers are quite cheap if you do it right even with disposables, and you can home school them if they reach the age of 5 and they are still not wanting the potty ya know! You can even teach them to change themselfs and clean up…Basically teach them to be responsible to take care of themselves. Diapers and potty training isn’t suppose to be a tough thing to deal with!
Awesome post. I’m glad I came across it. I toilet trained my first child – first time round (2 yrs) was a nightmare so I waited. By 3 she was trained though has always had accidents even now and shes 10. I know that is because of my training method which was usually stopping her from doing something fun (a game or activity) to make her go to the toilet, scolding her for each accident, and comparing her to other children to try and motivate her 🙁 this time round I am more educated and your post affirms what I know. My son is 23 months and we have a toilet seat with ladder set up all the time on our toilet, and if he wants to go he can. Also or if he wants to pee on the grass he can (hes a boy of course he does). If he has accidents we just clean them up with no scolding just gentle reminding of the toilet. He goes to the toilet more times than he has accidents. he is still in nappies so there is no pressure on him to toilet train, just to learn in his own time at his own pace, and he loves it.
I have a question, my 16 month old daughter enjoys being diaper-free…..of course, I don’t want this to affect her natural toilet training process. She just prefers not to wear a diaper at home. My son (now 4) had the same reaction to his diapers around 18-20 months and he toilet trained himself by 26 months or so. I say he toilet trained himself because he led the way, 100%! After reading this piece though, I was wondering if it is better for me to leave her diaper on. Would love your feedback :). Thank you so much!!!!
Hello Janet, I thought your article was very interesting and I hope that maybe you could help me out. My boyfriend’s twin five year old daughters are exhibiting symptoms of constipation and have accidents throughout the day and at night. They also have a bad habit of going to the bathroom several times within a small period of time (which leads us to say, “AGAIN? You just went!”). What kind of solutions would you suggest to make it easier on all of us? I’d really like for using the bathroom to be a more positive experience for the girls, so that they’ll be more comfortable going (and because washing their sheets after every time they sleep on them and doing four times as much laundry because of their accidents is getting to be a bit much!). Thanks in advance!
Hi Janet, thank you for this post. I had a rough night tonight because I did not listen to my daughter when she came to me tonight saying her stomach hurt, because I was busy doing something else, but then not long after she came to me, she had a big poop in her diaper and I instantly felt guilty, as this is not the first time this has happened 🙁
She has come to me many times in the past and I take her and she does nothing on the potty, so I dont know whether to believe her each time or not, but then if she ends up pooping in her diaper, I feel so guilty and just want to cry because I want her to get this potty stuff, and I did not enable her to. I feel like I am missing all these opportunities for her to poop in the potty (she has only done that once but pees in the potty all the time) and it just makes me feel so guilty and like a horrible mom.
Your post did help me and I should just go with my gut each time, whether I’m busy or not, but I just needed to vent because I am feeling a little down on myself and stressed out. Thank you again, and for taking the time to write your post and to read my comment.
Sincerely,
Shannon
Please give yourself a break, Shannon! You are learning through these little “mistakes”. Parenting is a process… for ALL of us. Sometimes we’ll get it right, often we won’t. 🙂
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement Janet, it means a lot! Parenting is definitely a process, but I love my daughter so much! It is just really hard at times and I need other Moms to talk to. Non-judgmental mom’s like you, that is, lol!! Thank you again!!! 🙂
Shannon
I would love your thoughts on what to do if the the child’s daycare refuses to promote the child with age group if he is not potty trained. My son can use the potty but the emotional part really isn’t there yet. We still have a month and a half until he turns three, but given his aversion to pooping in the potty, I don’t think he will be completely “trained” by the time he is three.
Thank you janet for the amazing article the stuff here is really helpful. if you dont mind maybe i can share my simple helpful story here :
i’m on my 4th day and my child Alex has gone nearly 24 hours now using the potty on his own and without telling me when he has to go. Who knew I would stumble across this site
{ pottytrain.uni.me }and have a fully potty trained child 3 days later! I have liked it and told my friends to come watch her video too.
I loved the article, but my daughter is 3 and 1/2 years old and she refuses to use the potty. She has older brother and still shows no interest in using it. She did a bit at first but gradually decided that she does not want to do it any more. I feel that it is important for her emotional and intellectual development at that age to be out of diapers/pull-ups. The daycare teachers are recommending we start training her more intensely too. What is your opinion? What would be good way to help her overcome the barrier that I think she has with potty?
I’m all for waiting until my child is ready, my concern is I feel he’s got some issues regarding using the potty and I’d like to know what the respectful and positive way to support him would be.
He used to show interest, sometimes he still asks to use underwear yet he refuses to actually sit and use the potty instead he pees in his pants. Or if it’s stool, he’ll hold it and it causes either constipation or very loose stools. My biggest concern is typically he’ll move his bowels mid morning; I can see in his face it’s coming, he’ll stand up, tense up, tell me he loves me and he almost looks scared. When I ask if he needs to use the potty he’ll get very defensive and tell me not to come near. Plus, almost always he doesn’t want me to change his diaper. What can I say or do to help him? Thanks!
I wish i read this years ago when i first began training my son, unsuccessfully. Many years later, after he started school, he was diagnosed with coeliac disease. Perhaps if i had been more relaxed and less stressed by him not being trained by school, he would have had an easier time post diagnosis unlearning all of the psychological trauma and stress around toileting.
Its a breeze with my daughter, more like how you initially describe. If only i had known.
Hi Janet,
This topic is so emotional for me right now and am so glad to have found your article and all the varied replies. I’m grateful to find passionate reasons for different approaches as I feel so confused and pressured.
My super bright, sparky boy is 3 in a few weeks and seems to be the only one still in diapers at Nursery School. They have suggested he is ready and I did agree with them until reading this post.
Basically, he knows he is going to pee or poo and will go off to hide to poo and shout to anyone who goes near him to go in another room. He has done this for months and usually we just let him get on with it.
He has pee’d on the potty a few times with our encouragement and if we put pants on him, he will just pee in them. I’venot been consistent in offering it and just stopped when he wasn’t interested. We’ve got a 8 week old boy and I’m BF so it’s not so easy to keep asking if he needs a pee or respond if he says he wants one 10 times in 10 minutes.
We’ve never made a fuss about his nappies or called them dirty etc and generally, we are gentle, child-led parents.
However, I’m concerned that I’ve ‘missed the boat’ and created an issue by starting offering potty and not being consistent by doing it repeatedly for 3 days until it clicked with him.
Basically, he is very embarrassed about nappy changing (especially by someone other than me, he will just stay away from everyone) so how does that work emotionally? And he is aware of pee and poo happening however, just says No to when asked if he wants to go on the toilet/ potty.
What would you advise in this situation? His Dad not around much in the days to be copied. Could I show him his poo being flushed away so he realises it’s not part of him?
Thank you so much for any guidance as we were planning to stay in the house for 2 days with him to try and get him on the toilet!
Thanks, Jenny
My children are both over 30 now, but I agree about letting them choose when to stop using a diaper. My son was 16 months old and kept getting a clean diaper and bringing it to me wanting changed. I got a potty chair and placed it in the bathroom. Every time I went to go I took him with me and he caught on real quick because of the sounds. He thought the splashing of urine was funny. In and out a week he started going by himself and had to call my mom after each successful void. He was very proud of his accomplishments. One week later, no diapers and no accidents, even at night. My daughter was a different story. She didn’t want to wear diapers but had no interest in the potty chair. I made her wear the diaper but put her pretty panties on the outside. My husband and I took a weekend getaway and she went to a friend’s house who had a 4 year old. I guess the older girl teased her about wearing a diaper at 2 1/2 and when we returned 2 days later she never wore a diaper again. I agree that parents put too much pressure on kids like it is a badge of honor that their child was broke at 14 months. In reality, the child had accidents for YEARS and most wet the bed also. You wouldn’t expect a child to walk at 6 months so why push this?
I have a 4.5 yo boy who is accident free for 4 hour blocks of time at preschool. (for the person who said find a new preschool if they require them to be potty trained does not live near me. I have looked at MANY preschools. All in my area require them to be potty trained. Due to licensing, they are not allowed to change diapers or help with toileting) For other activities, we have a power struggle to use potty before activity so he will not have an accident. Do you suggest I remove him from activities that require participants to be potty trained until he does this on his own? He is not bothered by wet or soiled pants. We use regular Miralax and he still has 2-3 BM’s a day. It seems he is not willing to sit long enough to fully empty. I would appreciate any additional insight you can offer.
Sorry but I think it differs from child to child. I completely understand its not OK to make it obvious to potty train ur toddler, however have you ever thought about the plight of the staff at nurseries who have to change nappies to 3 to 4 yr olds or more??? Its because their parents said the child does not want to do it…n then they come and complain about rashes and infections…as u mentioned it is really unhygienic to hv potty in the diaper and imagine the class assistants having to keep a check regularly because the child fails to tell he wants to poo. We do hv to make an effort towards children to make them accept the proper way to poop. Could make the bathroom more childfriendly can help…worked for my daughter…added loads of Disney princess stickers n using airfreshners, keeping bathroom floors dry and bright.
Yup! This may work for some but every child is different in their own special way. I think every parent that wants to potty train their child, should try a technique that works best for the child. One day I told my son to sit on the potty and he does with no problem. He enjoys the attention from his parents when he sits on his toilet. We have been working with him for about a week now but hasnt went pee or poo in the toilet but he tries. I give it by the weekend and we will have results.
PS we only use diapers when we leave the house
Hi Janet,
We have allowed my son to transition to the potty on his own (2.5 yrs) and he started wearing underwear 5 weeks ago. He had a few “accidents” the first two weeks but has been fine since, even overnight. However, he has been withholding poop since the day he started wearing underwear. I have tried several strategies including offering to go back to diapers, but he said no. He is in pain everyday but won’t poop, he says it hurts. I have been giving him stool softeners for one week (and natural ones for two weeks before that) but it hasn’t made a difference. Do you have any suggestions?
I would kindly insist on the diapers, Tracey. “Because I want you to be as comfortable as possible”. He’s feeling pressure from somewhere…and I would relieve this before it gets worse.
Hi Janet,
I have to admit being confused over the toilet training issue at the moment. We have been just letting things take their course with our 2 year old but he has recently started attending some morning sessions at a wonderful Montessori infant community which is play based and completely self directed up to the age of 11.
They believe that a child gains so much self respect from using the toilet/ potty rather than being reliant on an adult to change them and one of the guides recently lent me a book called ‘Diaper Free Before Three.’ Have you come across it? The author is an experienced paediatrician and parent and her research seems to say the opposite- that the trend for using nappies much later as we do today is not based on any real research and that it actually creates more problems with constipation etc.
It seemed to make a lot of sense when reading it and I have been concerned that I have been too slow with the whole process.
I love your blog and usually find that your posts on toddler issues are really helpful and resonate closely with my instincts but on this issue I feel confused and not even sure what my instincts are. The information is so conflicting even though it is both coming from sources that value respecting the infant above all.
I’d love to hear you thoughts whilst I attempt to clarify my own!
Many thanks.
Hi Lucy! Ah, a tough decision. Sorry you are in this confusing place. I stand by my statements in this article. I believe leading children to the potty is risky at best, and I know many doctors (including specialist Dr. Hodges mentioned here) who agree. Each day, I receive notes from parents experiencing the negative consequences of pushing or coaxing toilet learning. The more sensitive and bright children are, the more trust they seem to need in this area of their development.
Thank you for writing this! I love the poop chart. As someone who has been dealing with these issues with my own little guy, it means the world to me to get some help. They do need to own this accomplishment, and even though we want them out of diapers ASAP, it doesn’t mean they will be out of diapers.
Thank you, Amy
Any ideas for me? Thanks! 🙂
Yes, I shared one (above). Thank you for your patience.
Hi, I have an opposite ‘problem’. My daughter is insisting she wants to wear underpants and stop wearing nappies, but I’m pretty sure she’s not ready to toilet train/learn.
At the moment, I’ve told her it’s fine to practise going on the potty at home, but she has to wear a nappy while we’re out and at night. The reason I think she’s not ready is the two accidents she’s had in the past week – she showed no awareness that she was going to empty her bladder at all, until it was happening.
I am not pushing her to toilet train at all. I have asked her in the past if she would like to sit on the toilet or potty before we got in the shower, but never forced her to if she said no – I just wanted her to get used to the idea of using the toilet. She has actually had two bowel movements on the toilet because we noticed the signs and she was willing to sit on the toilet, but that was many months ago. She has only requested/demanded to stop wearing nappies in the last week.
I’m pretty laid back as a parent, so I do want to let her lead this, but I’m worried that if she tries this before she is actually ready, it may hurt more than help her. Any thoughts/advice?
My 11 year old son still will not put on diapers, but doesn’t use the potty. There is nothingedically wrong. When he has to pee he goes onto his bed to watch tv and pees. When he has to poop he hides where nobody can see him and sits with the poop in his pants until somebody notices. We tried putting him in diapers, but when we put them on he throws them away. We have to send him to a daycare and does home schooling later and on weekends because he is not allowed to go to school unless he’s potty trained. When we got out places we have to bring an extra pair of underwear incase of accidents. Sometimes he will put on a diaper, but doesn’t let me change it when it’s dirty if we are in public because people will see him naked on the changing tables. What should I do?
At 11 years old and refusing diapers as well as the toilet, i would suggest taking to a child psychologist who can get much more background information than you posted here. I hope you can get some answers 🙂
My 2.5 year old son is refusing to wear diapers, but doesn’t seem quite ready for potty learning. He has used a potty I provided for him (just had it in the bathroom and to my surprise he used it now and then for both peeing and pooping on occasion before he was even 2) but when his brother was born he lost all interest. I’m trying to let him lead, but struggle with it because he doesn’t want dirty diapers taken off (like he will stay in a wet or poopy diaper for HOURS before letting me change him) and now refusing a new diaper to go on, and thusly peeing and pooping on the floor/couch/carpet/toys… He also refuses to help clean up (though today he finally started to help a tiny bit). Forcing a diAper resulting in him having a fit. Suggesting the potty when I know or see that he has to or is peeing results in either ignoring me or crying.
I’m concerned my mothers pushing has been part of the issue. She brought over a potty book for him that I find a bit coercive, mostly due to the clear intent that she had in presenting him with it. Along with pull ups and such, and a speech about being a big boy etc which I promptly stopped her from continuing. I tell her we don’t want to push it, but she continues buying pull ups and brings it up every time she visits…
I hoped using the potty would come naturally to daughter and was always positive and encouraging- no pressure. Now my 4 year old daughter still DOES NOT want to use the potty EVER and only wants to wear a diaper. We are getting concerned. You mention toddlers but she just turned 4 and still is not potty trained at all. She is not 1, she is not 2 and she is not 3…she is 4. People look at her horrified to still see a kid as tall as her in a diaper, my husband fears we are warping her. I am not as d freaked out but she is showing ZERO interest in going in the potty at all! NONE.. zero and i am certain she would stay in diapers until she is 5 or 6 if we let her. The no pressure approach is not working for us. Any advice now?
April – have you never suggested potty training to her? Also, how do limits go in your home?