Calming a Child Who Won’t Separate

It’s good to feel needed, but when we become parents, we realize we never knew “needy”.  As Magda Gerber aptly noted, parenting brings with it a “feeling of un-freeness”, whether we’re in the presence of our children or not.

Toward the end of the first year of life (when children become more aware of the separation between themselves and their parents) and periodically throughout the early years, we primary caregivers often become the sole object of our child’s desire. Clingy periods tend to coincide with children taking developmental steps toward independence (like learning to walk).  Sometimes they occur when children face new situations or transitions (for example, mom’s expecting). As understandable as this is, it’s still intensely stifling, frustrating and guilt-inducing when our lovable ball-and-chain can’t let us out of her sight for even a second.

When babies are around 9-12 months old, parents in my classes often share a common, enlightening scenario: “All I’m doing is making a quick trip to the bathroom or taking a shower, and my baby screams and cries inconsolably. What should I do?!” Obviously, they’re deeply distressed about putting their baby through such agony — but then it turns out the baby wasn’t alone after all (or with the Boogeyman). She was with her doting dad.

Hmmm…

Not to downplay infant emotions, but is this baby in desperate need? Or is this a healthy expression of her developing will? Either way, the situation is tough for baby, mom and dad. Here’s what I suggest to ease the anxiety all around and help everyone cope when children are feeling clingy:

1. Encourage autonomy

The way we perceive our children has a profound influence on them. While some experts refer to newborns as “helpless”, Magda Gerber made the seemingly minor — but important — distinction that babies are dependent, not helpless. She believed that babies are innately capable if we allow them to be, and this has been affirmed for me a thousand times over. Magda called this having “basic trust” in babies, and it is key to her approach.

One of the things most babies can do (and seem to greatly enjoy doing) is spend baby-directed time on their own. We might first notice this when we see our newborn awaken and look around for a while before indicating she needs us. These delicate “seeds” of independence are sown when we refrain from showering our babies with love at these times and just quietly observe. If we provide scattered minutes like these in a safe place, they can then evolve into longer and longer periods of baby “me” time, — a time for exploring, learning, creating, communing with “self”. Granting children this uninterrupted time and space from the beginning, but never forcing it, fosters healthy autonomy.

This bit of independence doesn’t eliminate separation anxiety and clinginess, but it definitely seems to lessen the frequency, intensity and duration of these episodes. And that makes sense, because children who have tasted autonomy have the inexorable knowledge that they can be more than fine for a time on their own.

2. Don’t overreact

Babies are aware and impressionable, which means that they are constantly receiving messages from us through our responses and behavior. For example, if our baby is trying to roll over and we instantly swoop in and turn her over or scoop her up at the first sound she makes, she’s going to believe she’s incapable of coping with even the smallest struggles herself.

On the other hand, if we sit down next our baby, bend down to her level, acknowledge her feelings and efforts, wait a little and then — if she continues crying — ask her if she wants to cuddle in our lap, she will receive an equally loving, far more empowering message. Often she’ll end up choosing to persevere with her task once she’s been heard and understood. These messages we transmit to our children add up to them feeling either secure and competent, or dependent on our “magic powers” to rescue them.

3. Separate with confidence

Again, children are very sensitive to our feelings. If we are feeling ambivalent, upset, guilty, etc. about leaving them in a safe place while we separate, there’s little chance that our child is going to be able to let us go gracefully. If we’re unsure, how can our child possibly feel secure?

So I recommend always telling your child you will go (sneaking out creates much more anxiety and mistrust), and doing so with kindness, assuredness and confidence in your child as fully capable of handling this situation. “I’m going to the bathroom and will be back in 5 minutes.” If you can remember to, it’s always best to leave out the “okay?” at the end, since that implies uncertainty or a need for the child’s permission.  If the child cries as you are trying to leave, acknowledge, “I hear you. You don’t want me to go. I’ll be back.”

4. Don’t talk children out of their feelings.

Acknowledge your child’s feelings about your separation without even a hint of judgments like, “But I’ve played with you all morning!” Fully accept them. Encourage the parent or caregiver who remains with the child to support the child to grieve your temporary loss for as long as they need to while calmly assuring the child. “Mommy will come back.”  Ask them not to distract, “shush” or tell the child “you’re okay”, just keep acknowledging the feelings, listening, offering support and hugs if the child wishes.  Children’s feelings are valid and need to be treated as such.

6. Give children confidence-building opportunities to separate (and return to their secure base)

Here’s a reminder I give parents in my classes, especially when they are concerned about their child clinging and not playing: Think about it — we’re almost always the ones who initiate separations with our children. Children also need to feel trusted to separate and return as needed. (Confidence in our children to experience this is essential to them forming secure attachments according to Bowlby’s Attachment Theory.)

But child-led separation can’t happen if we follow babies and toddlers around. This is one of the reasons in the RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes we recommend parents find a seat and stay put. When we follow children in safe play situations like these, we send them the message that we don’t believe them capable of being away from us. Perhaps we do this because we think we have to show our child how to play (don’t worry, we don’t). Or could it be that we’re the ones having trouble separating here?

Staying in one place is especially important in group situations, because then the child knows exactly where we are, which frees her to separate with confidence when she’s ready.

5. Accept clinginess readily

I advise never resisting clinginess. Yes, there are times we need (or want) to separate, and that’s a healthy and positive thing to do. Parents’ needs and limits are an integral part of the parent/child relationship. Taking care of ourselves (even when our child disagrees) and feeling confident about that is vital to our bond.

Then there are those times at the playgroup, the park, a party, or even just at home when we might expect our child to be out playing or socializing, but our child is glued to us. Release those expectations or wishes — let clinginess be. In fact, welcome it. Don’t entertain, just let the child sit with you and watch. Coaxing, redirecting, pointing out all the wonderful children and toys our child could be playing with only intensifies her desire to cling.

When we trust that our child needs to be close and give her the assurance that we don’t resist this in the least, separation anxiety eases.

So whenever possible — give in wholeheartedly. Hold your child close and try to imagine the day she no longer wants to spend time on your lap (or doesn’t fit very well). Ugh, never mind, let’s not go there.

***

I share more about this respectful approach in my book:
Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting

You Also Might Like

When Parents Separate

Calming Our Reactivity to Children’s Irritating, Demanding Behaviors

What to Do About Your Clingy Child