What Your Toddler Thinks Of Discipline
I’ve been told that I “understand” toddlers (and nothing could be a greater compliment). This might be because my own emotional development was partially arrested as a toddler for reasons I haven’t yet unraveled, but it’s probably also because after all the time I’ve spent observing toddlers, I’ve begun to identify with them.
Sometimes, for example, when a parent in class asks her toddler not to throw toys, I’ll be unconvinced by her delivery and feel like joining the toddler in throwing more toys. Other times, a child will say he wants to leave the class as soon as he’s arrived. He’ll persist with the issue until his parent says decisively, “I hear you wanting to leave, but we won’t be going until class ends.” I’ll be feeling the toddler’s edginess while the parent is thinking, “Uh, oh, now what?” or is afraid to take a stand.
If toddlers could share their thoughts on discipline, here’s what I think they’d say…
1. Make me your ally. Don’t think in terms of “getting me to do” something. Don’t trick, bribe, shame or punish me. “You against me” is scary when I desperately need you on my side. So, please tell me politely or show me what you want. And stop me kindly (but definitively) from doing things you don’t want, way before you get mad. Your calm demeanor and the positive options you give me (“I see you’re playing, so would you like to come in to change your diaper now or after you play for 5 more minutes?”), will help me to accept your instructions more gracefully.
2. Don’t be afraid of my reactions to the limits you give me. It’s frightening for me when you are timid or evasive. How can I ever feel secure if the people I desperately need to depend on waver or tiptoe around my feelings? So, please put periods at the end of your sentences. Your directions are more welcome than you’ll ever know. They don’t hurt my fragile spirit. They free me, help me enormously, and are essential to my happiness.
3. Tell me the truth in simple terms, so that I can feel very clear about what you want. I may need several reminders while I’m learning, so please be patient and try to stay even-toned, even if you’ve already told me. (Really, I don’t want to be annoying.)
4. Don’t get upset or angry if you can possibly help it. Those reactions don’t make me feel safe. I need to know that my behavior doesn’t “get” to you, that you can handle my issues with care and confidence. If not you, then who?
5. If I keep repeating the behavior, it’s because it doesn’t feel resolved for me. Either you aren’t being convincing enough, or you’re being too intense and emotional. When you give me “the look”, or there’s anger in your voice when you say “don’t hit!,” it unnerves me and I’m compelled to keep behaving that way until you can give me a calmer response. I need to know that those kinds of behaviors aren’t allowed, but I also need to be assured constantly that they are no big deal at all and can be easily handled by you. You’ll show me this by being patient, calm, consistent and giving me brief, respectful, direct responses so that we can both let go and move on, knowing that our connection is still solid.
6. Consider my point of view and acknowledge it as much as possible…even if it seems ridiculous, wrong or crazy. There are no wrong desires or feelings, just wrong ways of acting on them, right? I need to know that it’s okay to have these feelings and that you’ll understand and keep on loving me. Let me feel.
7. Remember that I don’t want to be in charge, even though the toddler creed is to never admit that. I am convincing. I can make you believe that your simple request to sit down while I eat is pure torture. Don’t mock me or call me out, but don’t believe it. Keep insisting — with love. My strong will is going to make you proud someday. When you give in, I feel less strong, far more wobbly.
8. Give me lots of YES time when I have your full attention and appreciation for all the good stuff I do. We all need balance.
9. Let me be a problem solver. If our wishes are at odds, consider me capable of helping to find a solution, especially as I get older. (This post and video provide a brilliant example: Belief Behind The Behavior: Volcanoes And Cops )
10. Thank you for doing all of these really, really hard things in order to help me be the kind of kid who is enjoyed by his friends, is welcome in their parents’ homes, appreciated by teachers, and is (most of all) one of your favorite people to be with in the whole wide world…forever.
Your toddler would also like you to read:
A Toddler’s Point Of View by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby
Conflict Resolution by Genevieve Simperingham, Peaceful Parent Institute
No Bad Kids – Toddler Discipline Without Shame
A Toddler’s Need For Boundaries (No Walk In The Park)
(Photo by Jude Keith Rose)
Please register your e-mail so I can alert you to new posts. Or follow me on Facebook or Twitter.
I LOVE your comments and questions. Please add them here...
46 Responses to “What Your Toddler Thinks Of Discipline”
Leave a Reply
Email me
Follow me on Twitter!
Join my Facebook Fan Page
RSS Feed
Secrets Of Infant Learning was chosen by voters as the third Most Influential Blog Post in 2011. Thanks for your support!
Love this!
I just gave someone your info on the playground today!! read this article 5 seconds later and here you are!!! Hope to see you soon? camp training?
Jill
Love! Love! Love! I really need this at the moment, it is so easy to forget that they ‘don’t want to be in charge’. Trying to see things from my toddler’s point of view is a really big part of parenting to me. I’ll be sharing this with all my friends.
p.s. I just found your blog a couple of months ago and it is one of the few I read regularly, so much food for thought! Thanks for sharing your ideas.
Love! Love! Love! This is really helpful to me right now, it is so easy to forget that they ‘don’t want to be in charge’. Trying to see things from my toddler’s point of view is a big part of parenting to me.
p.s. I found your blog a couple of months ago, it is one of the few I read regularly. So much food for thought! Thanks for sharing your ideas.
Thank you for this!
This is a beautifuly written article. I have this on my fridge to remind me what my son is telling me. Thank you.
My first time reading your blog, and I nice article to be introduced on. Great advice.
What a great way to show the toddler’s perspective! Your words have a way of making fall in love with my little guy all over again
#5 really resonated for me because most of the time I don’t have to haggle with my son. The times that I do, it’s most certainly because I’m unnerved and he’s picked up on that. Thanks for reminding us to see it from their point of view!
OMG, LOVE!! Thank you SO much for this, I’m going to print it and hang it on our wall in our home! <3 I think this is pretty great for older kids too.
oh. wow. This is quite possibly the best blog post I have ever read. Thank you so much. I feel like everything I think, feel and try to achieve with my sons is set out in front of me on the screen. Written so much more concisely and eloquently than I could hope to achieve. Thank you for writing this. I can now pass it on and say “There!! This is why I do and say the things that I do”.
Thanks to all of you for your kind comments!
I guess I am old school. I agree with the basic principles here, but spanking definitely needs to be a part of discipline. Especially in regards to #5. I basically only spank for direct disobedience, blatant disrespect for me or my wife, and lying. I’d much rather have my child suffer a spanking now and learn that bad choices means bad consequences. Then to have them become an adult never having learned that. Also, spankings are rare in our home. We have four kids and we were/are always able to go out to restaurants or movies or wherever. I can’t even count how many times I have had strangers come up to us and compliment us on how well behaved our children are. Another area that parents struggle with is eating and sleeping. My only suggestion there is, DO NOT NEGOTIATE. One meal for everyone. If they don’t eat it, they don’t eat. Their stomach will get the message pretty quick. Bedtime is bedtime, DO NOT NEGOTIATE. My basic principle in parenting is “you get whatever you are willing to put up with” If you establish boundaries early and have real consequences for breaking the boundaries, your child will learn the rules quick and be happy knowing what is expected of them.
I’d like to knock some sense into you.
Interesting, you threaten me with bodily harm. You’d think someone who is against spanking would also be against assault and battery. I am only saying that spanking be a choice of last resort. When you need your kids to listen to you, like when their lives depend on it, you better have instilled respect in them or you might get to witness a tragedy. For example, if your kids laugh and run away from you when you call them, what will you do when they run into traffic? As I said in my previous post, spankings are rare in our house, because we established very early on what was acceptable behaviour. The fallacy among most parents is that spankings will have to be done daily, when in fact you might only have to do it once.
Rob, you don’t get your children to respect you out of fear for you – you instil respect when you SHOW respect, for them and for the people around you. If you do this from the beginning they WILL listen when you need them to. Fear does not equate to respect, it equates to obedience out of fear for the consequences YOU impose. War, Genocide and bullying all rely on unwavering obedience to gain and keep momentum. I like that my children feel safe in questioning everything they are asked to do. I hope they will carry that into their teen years. I know that by then we will have mutual respect so that when I need them to understand and listen they will do so, and I hope that by then I will have taught them self-discipline and the ability to think clearly before making a decision. This will serve them much better than obedience to the biggest or strongest person around them. You do not have to hit even once. Parent with love, parent with respect and it will simply not be necessary. ever.
War, Genocide and Bullying all rely on unwavering obedience to gain and keep momentum? Well, so does marriage, shouldn’t spouses have unwavering obedience to their vows and each other? You must think I run a dictatorship. Again, I am talking about structured spanking, not hauling off and hitting a child in anger, that is always wrong and just stupid and evil. Of course my kids can ask why they have to do something. I simply tell them that as a family we are a team, we all pitch in together.
Hi Rob. I strongly disagree about the necessity for spanking and I especially hope you aren’t doing this to your toddlers. Toddlers simply aren’t capable of controlling many of their impulses and discipline at this stage, especially, is all about relationship building. Hurting, shaming, tricking or otherwise manipulating children erodes our relationship because trust is lost.
When I read: “I basically only spank for direct disobedience, blatant disrespect for me or my wife, and lying” I tried to remember my children ever doing those things…and with the exception of direct disobedience (which is the way toddlers test and learn boundaries), they haven’t. (I have 3 children, ages 19, 15 and 10.) “Why have they never lied or shown disrespect?” I asked myself. Imagining the toddler’s point of view (again), the answer came to me readily…
Children disrespect parents because they have felt disrespected.
Children lie because they are afraid of telling the truth.
If they are not afraid of our responses, they have no reason to lie. Interestingly, the very few times I’ve had to give a “consequence” to my children (grounding my eldest teenager when she went to a party she wouldn’t have been allowed her to go to comes to mind), they actually sort of welcomed it, because it felt completely fair to them and they knew it came out of tremendous care and love. Spanking, hurting or torturing is never perceived by the child as a loving response. Never. Those things only create resentment and fear and deplete self-worth. Yes, I believe our perception about spanking can change once we become an adult. Most of us want and need to think well of our parents. We’re forgiving and feel on a very deep level deserving of the way we were treated. So, we might see their spankings as fair and loving, but the toddler does not… I can guarantee that.
Rob, you seem like an intelligent, caring dad, so I’d like to ask you the question that always comes up for me when parents believe in spanking… If you knew for certain (as I do) that you could raise kind, polite, safe and successful children without ever hitting them, would you still do it? Why?
Hi Janet,
I didn’t know your thoughts on spanking until I after I posted my original reply. I guess we have to respectfully disagree. You say toddlers can’t control themselves but in the next breath you say they are testing boundaries, so which is it? If they are testing boundaries then they must have some idea that they exist or should exist. I’d throw out my blatant disrespect comment because, honestly, I don’t remember ever spanking for that. Remember, we are talking about spankings that could be counted on two hands spread over 4 children. Also, I abhor anyone that spanks a child for an accident. I am advocating a structured spanking where the parent is in control of their emotions and explains to the child why they are getting spanked. You also state that children lie when they are afraid to tell the truth. Again, I disagree, have you not seen the multiple videos on America’s Funniest Home videos of toddlers with chocolate all over their faces while their moms ask them if they ate the chocolate? The kids just keep denying the obvious, even when the mom is laughing at the shear audacity of their lies. Clearly, the kid is not scared. Lying is innate. Nobody teaches their kid to lie, it comes naturally to them. Also, I would say your daughter lied to you by omission. She knew if she told you the true nature of the party you would not allow her to go. Also, I would add that I don’t believe in spanking teenagers. You are onto something when you mention that your kids know when they deserve punishment, I believe it is the same with spanking. They know what’s fair. Given the ground rules I have for how to administer a spanking, why do you conflate it with torture? Nobody would advocate that. Finally, you say I seem like an intelligent caring dad, thanks, you seem intelligent and caring also. I think your question is a bit silly, nobody knows the future and you don’t know either, you know what worked for you. That’s like people who ask, if you could get away wih murder would you do it. Getting away with it doen’t absolve the act. I believe spanking instills a strong sense of right and wrong and the dangers of bad choices and their consequences. I’d rather my toddler get a swat now versus a prison sentence later.
Rob, I’m disappointed that you couldn’t answer my simple question. I’m also sorry that you actually believe a parent must choose between “swatting” and prison. Rob, 84% of prison inmates have been abused as children. Where do you get this bizarre impression that not hitting a child leads to criminal behavior? Please show your statistics. That is a preposterous and sadly misguided theory.
There are statistics about hitting out of anger vs. the cold, calculated type that you believe in… Guess which one children are more likely to understand?
It’s interesting to me that you have chosen to promote spanking on a post about understanding the child’s perspective. Are you saying that a toddler’s POV would be… “When I’ve done wrong things, please hit me… Sometimes, I need to feel pain to be able to learn and understand.”
Yes, we definitely disagree.
Sorry to disappoint you Janet, but your question is based on an impossible supposition, ie knowing the future. So, forgetting the laws of the physical universe for a moment, I will answer, no, I would not spank my kids if I KNEW they would come out alright. That doesn’t change anything in reality though. Again you conflate spanking with abuse, I guess you think they are one and the same. So you think striking a child in anger is better then taking the time to talk to them and explain why they are getting spanked? Again, you agree with me that children know when they are being punished justly. If they know what they did wrong, they will understand the punishment. Hitting them in anger is never right and counter productive. I DO, however, believe that solid discipline (both positive and negative consequences, along with solid teaching to the child) leads to helping kids understand that actions have consequences, thus helping them avoid the pitfalls of bad decisions that could lead them to prison. Like I said, I didn’t know you were anti-spanking before I posted. Although, again, I must remind you of your own words, kids know when they are being punished justly. So a toddler who is deliberately going out onto the street or playing with the knobs on the cooktop after being told not to, knows they are being disobedient. Also, I don’t think the toddler’s perspective should trump the parent’s authority. It can inform the parent’s actions, but ultimately the parent has to do what they believe is best for the child, not what the child thinks is best. I appreciate that you post my comments even though we are detrimentally opposed on spanking, it says a lot about your integrity and the strength of your beliefs.
Rob, it’s not about knowing the future, it’s a different belief system and that’s one of the big differences between you and me. You believe physical punishment is necessary and I’m certain that it isn’t. I believe that hitting a child is abusive, period. Children can’t categorize pain… All they know that their parents are hurting them. Perhaps they learn to believe themselves deserving, but that is sad, in my opinion.
I also believe that hurting children is ineffective discipline and can be seriously damaging to the relationship of love and trust children need to have with their parents. I don’t believe in punishments of any kind, especially for toddlers (because they are just learning boundaries and building trust). Grounding my teenager that one time was the only time I can remember ever punishing any of my children. And I consider that a logical consequence… she was not honest about where she was going, so we took away her “going out privileges” for one weekend. Spanking is never a logical consequence or perceived as “just” in a child’s eyes. But Rob, I know that others share your views and I think this is a valuable exchange to have… I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share your views here…
Your approach is one where you USE POWER over the child to coerce the child to meet your needs. This is the fundamental principle of all Hierachical Systems.
As for eating, in nature food is abundant and freely available, and in the old societies, people ate, slept and were active at different times, even within a family group.
It’s important to recognise that our biology is emergent from within nature, even as we are faced with the pressures of Hierarchical Society to confrom to patterns that are predicated by the ‘demands’ of the ‘economy’.
To withold food when a child is hungry, to demand that the child eats only when you do, is quite rude! I hope you can see that whilst noting that I DO understand the limitations of parenting within the current systemic patterns, and that you can find a way to bridge both that is healthful, fun and nurturing.
Our fridge was always ‘open’, bowls of fruit were there to be picked from as needed, and I rarely bought processed foods, chocolates, candies etc and my children did not suffer from this. Neither did I.
We are biologically mandated towards natural empathy, based on self empathy.
Note that the generation gap, the tantrum toddler, the teen rebellion are extremely rare in healthy aboriginal societies and absolutley non-extant in all other mammals.
Hey Cornelius,
What’s your doctorate in? Show me a parent who doesn’t guide their children towards best practices. Any influence a parent has over a child is born from power. Ask a toddler what they want for dinner, if they said candy would that be all you fed them, or would you exert your heirarchal power to guide them towards something healthier with just a piece of candy for dessert? Parenting is really a benevolent dictatorship, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. Even you admit that you don’t buy processed foods or chocolate or candy, who gave you that right? You are a benevolent dictator, the children in your house live under your dietary prescriptions. I’m surprised that you would cast off the communal aspect of eating as a family and sharing all the experiences of the day together. Sharing in a common meal is foundational to the communal family experience and staying in touch with how your kids are doing. That being said, I think family meals should be a time of togetherness and the meal should be the same for everyone. Show me an aboriginal society where seperate meals are prepared for picky eaters. Also, your contention that food in nature is abundant and freely available might come as a surprise to Ethiopians or Kenyans suffering through one of their worst droughts ever. The “freely” might surprise your local Whole Foods store owner as well.
Thank you for your comments. I agree with all of them 100%.
I keep coming back to re-read this post. You really do understand toddlers, Janet! I so love working with toddlers for the very reason many people want to avoid them or struggle with them- what you see is what you get- there’s no artifice, and their behavior is often a reflection of how well we are communicating with them. Toddlers have taught me so much about the importance of honest, direct and respectful communication. I especially appreciate “don’t think in terms of getting me to do something.” The nest way to ensure you will get nothing but resistance from a toddler is to try to “get them” to do something. Getting someone to do something you want them to is about “power over” and is an insult to the other person (and toddlers are little people), to the relationship, and it erodes the trust between adult and child. It’s amazing how well toddlers respond to direct, simple requests, made in a calm way. Often, I find if a toddler is resisting, I need to check in with myself, and see if I am being slightly manipulative, indirect, or demanding in my approach, because if I am, it’s most likely that’s where the difficulty is… Aren’t we lucky that toddlers are so patient with us, and give us so many chances to get it right in our relationship with them?
Oops- That would be, “The best way to ensure…” I guess I should remember to pop in contact lenses before typing comments!
“Aren’t we lucky that toddlers are so patient with us, and give us so many chances to get it right in our relationship with them?”
So true! Looking back at the most difficult moments or situations it has been my fault and my way of trying to make him do something which caused him to resist so much. I am so thankful that he continues to give me chances as I learn to be flexible and be who he needs me to be.
This is such a fantastic post – my work is with preschoolers, but I interact with the toddlers in our center on a daily basis. And some of the preschoolers need all of these things that you describe.
I have been doing work in my classroom on Developmental Discipline – and everything you’re saying really strikes a chord with me. Thanks so much!
The YES really works! Read that in Betsy Braun book “just tell me what to say” and have been practising the YES,yes, yeesss!
Thank you for this. It’s beautifully written. I had an experience with my toddler where I honored many of the things you’ve listed.
http://www.minyisu.com/2011/12/chocolate-tantrum/
I appreciate this article’s clarity.
Blessed be
Min Yi
Thank you, Min Yi Su. I love your story, have shared it on my FB page and everyone is enjoying it!
Phenomenal article! It can be so hard as a parent to realize that the issues you may have with your child’s discipline come from you. My wife is my inspiration for parenting as I aspire to embody her interactive nature with our son…I don’t want to just be “Dad the Enforcer” and “Dad the Jungle Gym.” I want to be “Dad.” That means inspiring my son, learning his want/needs, teaching him to be part of a family dynamic, rewarding his good behavior, and appropriately conveying my feelings as well. Parenting is a sacrifice no matter how you look at it, you are making yourself into a person that another person completely relies on…100%. The reward is teaching that person to rely on themselves and witnessing the evolution of a personality over a lifetime.
I love what you have written here about discipline from the perspective of a toddler. So spot on! My biggest goal with my 1-year-old son is for him to grow up in a house where his voice will be heard, his feelings will be respected, and family comes first. Sounds simple…but it is (as I write about on my own blog) a challenge.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
I love this post, but I struggle with some things.
1. How to handle repeated requests that I sincerely don’t understand or can’t figure out what is being asked (or which switches–’I want that toy’, I hand it to him, then ‘NO, I DON’T WANT IT!!!!!!’, etc.
2. Public displays: I can handle allowing the full range of emotional displays in our home where it’s safe, but when it either gets out of control or hurts another child or is manipulating/controlling the family’s participation/commitment.
3. Blocking a Parent’s Commitment to something: My wife has a weekly commitment with childcare. One of our 3 yr old twins creates mayhem. Does she stop the commitment?
Sorry–too long…
Brett, there is no such thing as too long here.
(But my spam filter doesn’t know that, unfortunately.)
1. If you don’t understand, just be honest and try your best, “I’m trying to understand what you want. Are you saying ‘orange juice’? No? Hmmm… Eggs? I know it’s frustrating when you’re trying to tell me something and I don’t understand. I really want to understand!”
When your child asks for a toy, don’t hand it to him….do as little as possible to give him the opportunity to get it himself. Then you can be sure that’s what he wants.
2. This might be hard when the whole family’s together, but generally, I would go with the child either home or to a more private place (like the car) so that the child has a chance to get the feelings out safely and privately and can eventually calm down.
3. No, the 3 year old shouldn’t ever stop the commitment! But it’s perfectly okay for her to disagree with her mom leaving. Let her holler and cry while you acknowledge, “I know you don’t want mom to go, but she’s working today” (or whatever). Sometimes a few minutes of one-on-one time with mom earlier that day can prevent the meltdown from happening…sometimes not. Focus on supporting her to have her feelings.
Thanks for the great reply! I know these methods are like anything else: You can’t just give it a shot one time and hope it works. It has to be consistent.
You’re so welcome, Brett. And yes, consistency matters. That’s the way we build confidence and project it for our children. These aren’t things most of us are born knowing!
Hi Janet!
Update… we’ve been trying to implement some of the strategies indicated in this post. We have been attempting to be firm, gentle, unapologetic, non-threatening and non-bargaining, laying out our expectations and firmly telling our young (3 1/2) boys what is expected. For example, going potty and brushing teeth at night. So far, our results are infinitely long sit-ins where we firmly repeat what is required. Secondly, my wife and her Bible study. one of the boys cries and fits throughout the time in childcare, so my wife has given up.
I don’t know if it’s something else, but we’re struggling with knowing how to navigate these waters.
It’s leading to major frustration–but we’re trying not to show it!
Hi Brett! Hmmm… It would help me to know how you were handling these situations previously. If you’ve suddenly changed gears, you children are going to be confused. Also, be sure to follow through with your requests and, whenever possible, give your boys a choice. For example, “Do you want to brush your teeth yourself or have me help you?”
It’s not enough to convey your expectations, you and your wife have to follow through… So, assuming your boys are able to use the potty independently, say, “It’s time to go potty. Who’s going to go first?” Projecting confidence (envisioning your children totally capable of cooperating) is 90% of the battle.
If your directions meet resistance, insist. “You are having a hard time brushing your teeth. I’m going to help you. Do you want me to brush the top or bottom first?”
Toddlers need this balance of the security of boundaries and autonomy. It’s sometimes hard to find the right groove, but you will. Don’t be afraid to insist. You can do that and still be gentle and respectful.
As far as the bible study, I didn’t know that was a situation in which the boys went with your wife. Do they have to? It’s hard for me to comment on the childcare when I don’t know what goes on there… But perhaps your wife isn’t projecting confidence about her plans… I don’t know, Brett! Let’s keep talking.
Rob,
I have been in more physical altercations than most of course that I’m not proud of. You might think I would agree that spanking your children serves a purpose. My view is quite the opposite and with a 9 year old and a 1 1/2 year old I can proudly say that I have not spanked or hit either one of them once. They are great kids and I learned almost immedietely that there are other ways to establish a respectful well mannered child than hitting them. Kids are like sponges and will more often than not, mirror an adults actions. Just because you are bigger and think you understand more than a child, doesn’t give you the right to hit them. I challenge you to actually sit down and talk to them about their actions and if they are too young to talk, than be patient and show them. Hitting them shows them nothing but showing them that it’s ok to physically hurt someone if they don’t listen to you!!
Garth,
I have two new responses that might cover what you mention. I would disagree with your last statement. I reference my rules of spanking from previous posts. A child will understand when they are receiving “just” punishment. Even Janet agrees with me on that. Spanking does not create a license for a child to go around whacking people. If this were true, why have I never had an instance of any of my kids getting in trouble for aggression at school or anywhere else? They know it is not their place to discipline kids their own age. In fact you could even argue that a kid who has never been spanked wouldn’t understand that hitting other kids hurts them. One of my children was a biter and we couldn’t get her to stop. I called my Mom (who is the greatest) and asked her what to do. She said, “bite them”, I said you’re kidding, she said, they won’t stop biting until they understand that biting hurts. I did it and our daughter never bit another person.
Hello Rob
You have worked hard to uphold your arguments here. I have a question for you:
What do your children learn when you spank them? I know that they learn *not* to do something, but what do they learn to do instead?
My thought is that children who are spanked learn that if they do something wrong, they will get hurt. They are therefore not acting on the choices they perceive, they are thinking ‘which one won’t get me a spanking?’. They are less likely to take risks.
They are also learning that it is okay for someone who is bigger to hurt someone who is smaller, as long as the bigger person thinks they are right and the smaller person is wrong.
I don’t agree that “a kid who has never been spanked wouldn’t understand that hitting other kids hurts them’. In fact, as Janet pointed out earlier, there is more evidence that children who have been hurt in the past grow up to hurt others themselves. This is true in the playground as well: children that are hit are more likely to hit others.
I’m not sure I’m allowed to link, but have a look at Psychology Today on the net, and search for Why Do We Still Spank Children? There is a lot of information there about the effects of spanking on children. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/great-kids-great-parents/200908/why-do-we-still-spank-hit-children-the-problem-physical-corpora
The central skill in parenting is empathy, and empathy for others is founded on self empathy. No instruction set can replace the precision with which empathy and self empathy work.
When a parent understands how his or her own childhood experiences have affected, distorted or nurtured self empathy, they can then RELATE to the child before them, based on embodied knowledge, the truth of experience over conditioned responses to experience.
I love this article, Janet. As my oldest is growing out of his toddler years and into a pre-schooler, I’m so thankful I found your blog. He is kind, polite, thoughtful, and loving, and quickly outgrowing the impulsive defiance that comes with toddlerhood. We enjoy each other’s company so much, and I’m so proud of how self-motivated he is to share and show kindness to others. Just today I was thinking about how fortunate I am — both boys told me they were ready to leave the park because they were tired, and then we had dinner, got baths, watched a little tv together, and then went to bed without any fussing or fights. It was amazing, and I want you to know that your wisdom is giving my children the gift of a happy, loving childhood.
I’m marrying a man with an idetic memory. He clearly remembers what it’s like to be a toddler, and he would tell you that this is NOT IT. This is overly-emotional nonsense.
You like to quote discuss the status of prisoners, so consider this:
Everyone knows that our crime rates today are tremendously higher than they were 100 years ago. 100 years ago, spanking was Standard Parenting 101. Today, spanking is RARE, but our prisons are overflowing. Child psychology nuts have dominated the parenting arena for decades, and I don’t think it’s helping anyone.
If you and your fiance don’t believe toddlers are emotional (and often “over-emotional”), I truly hope they don’t end up in your care. But he’d certainly be welcome to share his memories about discipline. I’d be interested to hear…
There’s a new book that shares a collection of children’s memories and impressions of being spanked: “This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You: In Words and Pictures, Children Share How Spanking Hurts and What To Do Instead” https://www.createspace.com/3557807
I’d also like to see even one study linking crime to children who have not been hurt by their parents. This is SUCH a ridiculous, narrow minded, fear-based and totally false idea.
I needed this, so thank you, Janet. To me #4 is the hardest and I am still strugling with it but I will get to the calm point, I will!