Our Children Choose Us
Many of us have the sense that the children in our care chose us. We feel it especially when a child’s needs tap into our weaknesses, we are forced to adjust, and that adjustment makes us change for the better. It is as if their souls zeroed in on us and decided, “That woman and that man, those future brothers and sisters need lessons I can provide. I’ll help them grow. I’ll be their teacher.”
I was reminded of this theory in my parenting classes yesterday. Two moms in separate classes were dealing with different parenting challenges. Both of them were stretching to interact with their children in a way that did not come easily.
One of these moms, Jenny, admits that it is hard for her to project the authority that her son Dylan needs. She struggles to give him firm boundaries and speak to him with a definitive tone in her voice. It would be simpler, of course, if toddlers said to parents, “Please tell me “No!” or “Stop me!” or “Let me know you’re in charge!” Instead, they ask for limits by testing us or acting out, and then cry when limits are set. They need to know that even though they cry, parents will hold the line and not cave. A parent who is not inclined to be assertive, or worries about being too strict, has obstacles to overcome.
Dylan is Jenny’s lovable obstacle incarnate. He is a jolly boy with a mischievous sense of humor, kind to other children when he is not distracted by his voracious need to test. Jenny understands that being a loving mom means also being an authority figure, but because she is not the assertive type, putting that into action is intensely challenging. I know from experience that overcoming this hurdle will bring Jenny personal satisfaction and a boost in self-confidence. At the end of class Jenny and I reflected on the irony of this mother/ son match, and the positive changes Dylan is forcing her to make.
Rebecca is a smart, together mom who adores her 15 month old son Nicholas. Nicholas is having a difficult time adjusting to my class. Although he is amazingly focused and detail oriented when he plays — loves to spin large plastic beads and other objects as if they were tops — he cries every time he enters the classroom and then periodically throughout the 90 minutes. Rebecca was nervous when she first came to the class and now believes her son reacted to her tension. Nicholas is a sensitive boy, and even though Rebecca is working on relaxing in class, she still has trepidation, and he picks up on it. If mom’s nervous, there is something to worry about.
I talked to Rebecca about letting go of all expectations. Rather than prepping Nicholas for class, trying to make it work, I encouraged her to slow down, relax, and tell herself that if he cried in her arms throughout the entire class, it would be okay with her. Rebecca admitted with a smile that she is a ‘doer’ and a ‘fixer’, and ‘letting go’ did not come easily. And, once again, the subject of ‘being given the child we need’ was discussed.
I am more a Jenny than a Rebecca. I had to dig deep to provide the authority my first daughter needed. It was a struggle not to give in to her tears and her assertive, persuasive, commanding presence. And this is at 20 months old! At seventeen, she still has a way of making me feel I’ve let her down when she asks for the moon so convincingly and I only have stars. But I have never for one moment been ungrateful for her decision to be my baby. She is my pride and joy. She made me grow so much.
When my daughter was 3, my husband and I talked about having another child. “You want another baby? But that was so hard for you!” he said. After a pause I answered, “I know. But just because something is hard doesn’t mean you don’t want to do it again.” I was open to another hard lesson, if I was lucky enough to be chosen.
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7 Responses to “Our Children Choose Us”
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Thank you Janet! I am all the way in cold western Massachusetts and though the weather these days is enough to make one cry (!), this post did the job! As the mom of a 14 and 11 year old – and very different they are – I believe 100% in what you are saying – which is why it touched me so deeply. There is no doubt that our children are here purposefully in our lives.I feel like they are holding up a mirror to me on so many days – and not because I see myself in them or that we are mirror images of each other but because of how we mix together, I am able to see so much of myself – who I am, the good and not so good, the strengths and weaknesses. I call one child my dream (the first) and the other my teacher (second) though they switch roles all the time and I understand we need our children in every shape and form to help us become better people – just as we are helping them do the same.
Dear Janet,
I love your BLOG and you clearly write from your heart and speak for all of us moms (and dads). I too was challenged by my kids when they were young. For me it was my second son who came into this world gasping for oxygen. He needed to see so many doctors, have so much therapy and his mommy 24-7 until the age of 10. But regardless, I always had tons of love to give him and his older brother and I would have loved to have a third child. Unfortunately, my marriage did not survive the stress so I did not have any more children.
Thank you for bringing light to my two blessings…who are now 13 and 16!
-Lynn
Thank you Beth and Lynn! These are wonderful stories. You are reminding me how patient, and how brave parents have to be.
I have certainly learned a great deal from my son Janet. From an early age he was special in so many ways. And also being ADHD he was also a challenge. And then of course he pushed my limits when he went to Iraq, later discovering the difficulties in managing his own household, and making career choices for himself. All along the way he challenged my senses, my intellect, my patience, tolerance and understanding. He has made me not only a better father, but a better person in so many ways. Today he is his own man and he continues to teach me, but on a whole new level, one where we can exchange ideas man to man. It has been a wonderful journey. It was never straight, but it was always an adventure. Scriptures tell us that angels walk among us, he has certainly been one of mine.
Very nice article, I’m always suprised and looking forward by and what you pick next.
Beth’s mirror images, Lynn’s blessings and Ed’s angel are lovely contributions to this site. Thanks, all of you!
Finally have a moment to check in …
Life with boys has me constantly telling myself that this latest phase (whatever it is)is just another lesson…and they are healthy and with no particular diagnoses!
Either my two sons are fantastic teachers or i am a slow learner…but bit by bit…we get through it…very nice to read you, Janet!
I’m sure they are fantastic teachers! And I don’t think the lessons are ever over for any of us. I know I’m far from done. So good to hear from you, Cheryl!