Smelling Roses (Taking Babies on Errands)
I can relate to babies. I get over-stimulated in the supermarket the way babies do. I have a strange aversion to making lists and always believe I’ll be able to take a few minutes to march down each aisle, recognizing all I need to buy. Twenty minutes later, I’m in a zombie trance and have covered less than half the store.
(The hidden benefit to this is that my husband now prefers to get-it-and-go himself, rather than waiting an hour at home for me to return with the family’s groceries.) I don’t even attempt Cosco anymore. I appreciate the convenience of the gigantic store that has everything, but my temperament is better suited to a simpler time long ago (or a more European shopping experience) when one purchased items individually from the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker.
In a recent Parent/Infant Class a parent asked me about taking a baby on errands. The mother said that her son objected to being placed in the stroller and wouldn’t sit in the little seat in the supermarket grocery cart. It’s not surprising that an infant or toddler dislikes accompanying mom or dad as they rush around doing errands. Babies are eager to move their bodies freely, and participate actively in life. It’s not a baby’s dream to get in and out of a car seat, and then tag along with parents through a blur of faces, sights, sounds and smells. Sometimes, even though it is inconvenient, an infant feels more included when he is held rather than strapped into a seat or carrier.
There will be times when it’s impossible for a tired baby to tolerate a restaurant, shopping trip or other outing. If a baby or child of any age is having a complete meltdown in public, the parents should stop what they are doing and take the child home. This is not only out of politeness to others, it is the kind and thoughtful way to handle someone who is upset. I have left a few full grocery cartloads in the market over the years.
Infant expert Magda Gerber emphasized the importance of a baby’s participation in daily activities like diapering, feeding and bathing. Slowing down to include a child in the tasks that involve him, rather than distracting with a toy, pacifier or food while we hurriedly get the job done, transforms each chore into an intimate learning experience. The child learns language in a pertinent way with all his senses, “Here’s the yellow washcloth. Would you like to dip it in the warm water?” He also gains confidence as he learns that his cooperation is valued. Rather than being expected to ignore the mysterious things being done to him while he shakes a rattle, he’s encouraged to participate in a mutual experience with another person. A nurturing relationship rooted in respect blooms between caregiver and child.
A young child has little opportunity to participate in a trip to the market or post office, but if we have no choice but to bring the baby along, I believe in making a concerted effort to stop and smell the roses. We do this when we slow down, adjust our perspective and see the world through our child’s eyes. Rather than focusing on “making it work” by pacifying and directing our baby every minute, we let go of our agenda a little and share in the wonder of learning, imagining our child’s thoughts and responding more than dictating.
Let’s imagine we are in the supermarket. Instead of ignoring our baby as we rush around, or placating him with a box of cereal and saying, “Look at the cool Leprechaun…hold this,” we take note that our baby is staring at a bounteous stack of oranges in the produce section. We wait while he takes in the view. If he’s still staring we might say, “You are looking at the oranges. Would you like to touch an orange?”
Sometimes we find a new appreciation for life when we slow down. Adults are used to hurrying. A child teaches us to downshift, and take in all that surrounds us in a new way. When my children were little there were countless times that I stopped and asked myself, “Why am I rushing?” Most of the time it was just a habit of expedience, and my children would then inspire me to stop and enjoy.
When my second daughter was 3 and 4 she loved to weigh produce in the market. I was impatient with her desires at times, but in retrospect I realize that she was giving herself math and science lessons as she noted the weights of the cantaloupe and the bag of broccoli.
Our children’s fascinations may surprise us, but when possible we should try to accommodate their interests. A mother in my Parent/Toddler Class shared an ‘aha’ moment. Carrie had been out running errands with her toddler, Angus. Angus began to get grumpy. Carrie had the idea that she could cheer him by introducing him to horses at a nearby stable. When they exited the car, Angus noticed a gravel walkway. He was intrigued with the pebbles and squatted down to examine them. Carrie, still in rush-mode, could not wait to show him the horses. She fidgeted impatiently for a minute. Then, when she was just about to call to him to follow her, she stopped. “Who is this about?” she asked herself. “Angus is content pursuing his interests. I came here for him. I’m the one who is anxious to move on to the horses.” She decided to allow Angus to linger as long as he wished. As she began to relax, she realized that the other items on her agenda could be postponed until another day. Several minutes later they took a walk to the stables and Angus saw his first horse, the sight of which excited him almost as much as the pebbles.
When I have the choice, I would much rather zip around alone to take care of errands. But when my children are with me, I try to take full advantage of their presence. I gain insights about my children when I observe their interests. I slow down and open my mind to an unbiased, innocent, ‘in the moment’ view of life. It feeds my soul.
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17 Responses to “Smelling Roses (Taking Babies on Errands)”
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Janet,
I am so amazed at your articulate, colorful, expression of your experiences. I feel so lucky to know you, and appreciate your dedication to your passion. This blog is such a wonderful avenue by which you can bring your experiences, your wisdom and insights, and your guidance to so many. Congratulations! I know this has been an amazing journey, and I look forward to watching your progression, including those books being written.
Love you, Kris
Wow. You put so many feelings and experiences that parents and children have, into clear and accurate language. I remember how difficult it was to learn to slow down and live with my baby in the moment. Now that they are grown, I miss the reminder to notice the world in such a simple and fresh way. Once I let go of my schedule, I found that what was good for them had benefits for me as well. I am loving your blog.
I felt myself slowing down as I read this piece.I appreciate the way you articulate these ideas and I’m loving this blog!
Beautifully written. I have been a mom for a little over a year and I need to remind myself to ‘slow down’ daily–it’s taken me a long time to let go of the rush rush rush lifestyle. If only I had read this article when my baby was itty bitty. I used to feel like everyday was a race against the clock: need to shop within 15 minutes or baby will get upset, need to get all the chores done during her 40 minute (if that) nap, hurry need to clean the dishes while the baby is playing alone!! I had so much anxiety about ‘accomplishing’ everything. I finally started to relax more when my baby turned 6/7 months old. I am much more in tune with her needs & desires now– her need to be herself and pursue her own interests on HER time, not mine.
Kari, thanks, you made me smile. I’ve been a mom for 17 years and I still have to remind myself to slow down daily! Rush, rush is such a part of our culture. Have you noticed that when you are in the biggest hurry your baby is the least cooperative? They seem to pick up on our tension and dig their heels in!
Dogs get us out for walks and children get us to slow down. It’s all good.
Once again, you’ve given me something important to work on. This is something my husband is great at, and I have tried to follow his example, but this is a great reminder. Too often, I get annoyed when Charlotte won’t sit in the stroller or grocery cart, and I try to placate her with a binky or snack. I need to remember to be more patient with her
You’re awesome, Janet!
Thanks, Megan! But please don’t be hard on yourself! Slowing down is a just a way for you to enjoy those mundane experiences more, too. I think it’s great that your husband embraces that special time with Charlotte. How about letting him do the all the shopping while you relax?;-)
Haha! I’m pretty sure he won’t go for that. Luckily now we live close enough to stuff that I can do one errand at a time. So, she isn’t overwhelmed.
I just read your article through someone on facebook and it amazed me, exactly the way you should treat children..
im only 21 and not even thinking about kids, but just interested in human behavior.. but this article almost makes me wanna have kids xD
Very cool! That’s what it’s supposed to do.
I love this. I will never forget a gift someone gave me at a shower – a grocery store cart cover, for sanitation (god, how did we all survive childhood!?), and covered in toys for baby to play with while you do your shopping. All I could think, as I politely said “thank you”, was, “for goodness’ sake – why would I need to provide toys at the grocery store? What could be more interesting than a world filled with colors and smells and things to talk about and people to smile at and connect with?”
Wise mommy you are!
Janet, you are so wise! I was so lucky to have been a parent who was not expected to be out earning a living during the time she was young. I think that has a big impact on our sense that we have to rush — our time is just to little in our own command any more — but we must take control of it for the sake of our kids. That’s our schedule, not theirs; our agenda, not theirs. All people need the opportunity to live at their own pace and pursue their own course: that’s what I learned from being a parent. I learned to always make my own schedule quite “flabby” to allow room for hers.
Wonderful! Thank you!!
I love your site so much have been learning a lot from it. I do enjoy going grocery shopping with my son and he loves it too, it takes longer than it would if I went on my own but he gets to participate in the process and he feels so good about himself because he knows he helped me
Thank you for the reminder of slowing down, there has been other type of outings where I have rushed him and then I realize that as long as he is allowed enough time to explore he will be more willing to accept when I say is time to go
So what do you advocate for those of us who don’t have the luxury of putting off grocery shopping till our child feels like it? A sitter? Wait till dinner has been made, the house has been cleaned, and your children have been put to sleep before venturing out to a 24 hour grocery store at 8, 9 pm. Reading your blog doesn’t give me much hope of being the parent I want to be.
Carmen, I’m sorry you understood this post as advice to postpone errands until a child “feels like it”. Seldom do infants and toddlers feel like shopping. What I was trying to express was the idea of slowing down and including your baby in the experience. Even a baby who doesn’t “feel like it” deserves to be asked to participate in whatever it is we are asking them to do.
I would sincerely like to hear more about what you mean by “being the parent I want to be”.