3 families reach out to Janet and ask, “How do I say it?” Listen to find out more!
Transcript of “Secrets to Talking to Kids About Anything”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
Today I’m going to respond to notes I received from three different families who all are asking, How can I say it? How can I tell this to my child? In one case, it’s about a new relationship that this parent is in after being separated from her child’s father. Another one is about setting a limit that a child isn’t accepting and they keep asking and asking and asking after we’ve given our answer. And the third one is about these parents’ choice to move out of a neighborhood where their children have been settled for their whole life and have friends, and there’s obviously going to be feelings involved.
So those are the three topics I’m going to be specifically talking about, but this advice I’m offering applies to anything that we want to talk to children about. It’s also the way to talk to them that helps them to listen and accept what we’ve said. It all boils down to talking to children with the same respect we would with an adult. Children are different in so many ways, but they deserve the same human respect in communication, and you’ll find that’s what they respond to best. I’m going to explain what I mean by that in a moment.
I’m going to start off with the first note and then I’ll talk about the really simple advice that I’m going to offer. The first one:
Thank you so much for all the wonderful content. My daughter is six and your podcast and articles have helped me so much over the years.
My daughter’s dad and I have been separated for three years and co-parent 50/50. I’m in my first relationship since the separation and I’m wondering when and how to introduce my daughter to my partner. Do you have a podcast or article with any advice?
Thank you for your help.
Here’s the advice that I’m going to actually give to all these parents, but I’ll talk about how it specifically applies in each case, to talk to our kids about anything and be effective. Meaning that they will listen and be able to be receptive to what we’re saying not just in this instance, but generally. We tell them in simple, age-appropriate terms so our child can understand. We want to be genuine and honest, so that also means direct. We’re not talking around it or whitewashing something. We’re really being fearlessly open about it. Be clear, speaking right to what’s going on. And then the last one, be comfortable.
It was interesting. As I was thinking about this, I realized that the only reason we ever worry about talking to children about something, the only reason that’s ever an issue for us is this last part, being comfortable. We’re anticipating it’s going to make our child uncomfortable in some way when we say this to them. That’s what makes the whole thing hard, right? It’s easy to talk to kids about things that we know they’re going to be excited about. We’re going to Disneyland, yay! We don’t have to ask someone like me how to say it. But when we’re worried about our kid’s reaction, that’s when it feels harder, when we think we might not be effective. That’s when it’s more challenging for us to get comfortable so that our child can feel us talking to them simply, genuinely and honestly, with clarity and comfort.
That doesn’t mean we have to comfort our child and make them feel better about it. It just means that we’re comfortable. And what are we comfortable with? Our child’s reactions. We’re allowing them their right to feel however they feel about what we’ve said.
The way I see it, this is the key to freedom for us as parents, a feeling of freedom. Not that we’re going to like it when they get upset about something we’ve said or they ask us awkward questions or we could see that they’re having a reaction that’s emotional. We’re never going to like that, but we can perceive that as this really positive part of communicating and really, really positive for the element of trust in our relationship. That our kids can trust that they’re allowed to share with us their disagreements, their discomfort. Their wish, in this case, that we didn’t have a boyfriend, that we still wanted to be with their dad or that we wouldn’t have anyone else but them that we care about. If we’re not afraid of those things because we know those are healthy for our child to express, we can say anything. And that’s the freedom I believe we all deserve to feel as parents. It’s that trust in ourselves as leaders, that we’re making choices that we’ve thought hard about, probably.
What if we believed that however our child reacted to what we said is the perfect way for them to react? Not perfectly fun for us, but perfect. It’s not ours to change or soften or to calm down, to make better in any way. Nor is it our job to punish because we don’t like the way they’ve responded. Obviously if it’s something physical that’s not safe, we’re going to help them stop that. But as far as the way they’re feeling about things, that part we’re allowing. Then we can again be free to say anything without that trepidation, but instead with the knowledge that this is healthy and positive for them to get to express.
Anyway, this seems kind of like a mild one for what I’m talking about, but this parent says that they’ve been separated for three years, she and her daughter’s dad, they co-parent 50/50. She’s in her first relationship since the separation. She’s wondering when and how to introduce my daughter to my partner. I would start by sharing with my daughter that I’ve gotten to know someone that I really care about and I’m excited for you to meet them. This is their name. That’s all we have to do.
And then the part that maybe we’re nervous about, which is our child saying I don’t like this or I don’t want to meet them, that has to be okay with us. And if it went beyond just saying they weren’t happy about this situation or crying or letting us know that they really refuse to meet the person, then with a six-year-old, I might wait a little and say, “Okay, let me know when you’re ready” or “This person’s going to come by and pick me up, but you don’t have to say hi if you don’t want to,” something like that. But we don’t want to get into something where we’re trying to talk our child into, Oh, they’re really nice. You’re going to like them. Just really keeping it simple and genuine and clear and comfortable ourselves, and that’s all we have to do.
That was a simple one, right? Here’s another one, this one’s a little more entailed:
My husband is a pastor and we’ve recently made the difficult decision to accept a new divine call in a new city a few hours away. This decision was made largely because it will put us 25 minutes from all grandparents, their sister (who’s my stepdaughter), and my husband’s and my hometown.
My son is five, supposed to be starting kindergarten in the fall, and has lived here at our current call his entire life. We spend three hours in the car one way very frequently to visit our daughter who lives with her mom and our family. The long six-hour road trips have grown increasingly difficult, which is a big reason we are making this big change. We also have a three-year-old daughter. They both are very sensitive, deep-feeling kids. Both of them desperately need more adults in their lives. They’ve become so attached to my husband and I that this change simply needs to be made. We can’t go any further on this path.
My son is struggling very much with this idea of moving away from his now-lifelong friends, parks, the zoo, and all other special parts of his life and routine. I need some advice on handling the feelings of this move. We’re trying to push the “family being closer” factor, as he detests being in the car for these long drives, but I can only affirm and agree that it will be difficult to leave our loved ones in our current city. I’m sad about that too, but I know we can handle this and come back to visit every now and then. I’m truly nervous to take my kiddos, especially the five-year-old, out of his environment. I put on a strong front, as I know I need to model going through the change with grace. Feeling the feelings, but still going through it confidently.
Any advice on how to truly and age-appropriately communicate what’s happening to the kids, and what to do during the big bursts of emotion? Like I said, currently I acknowledge their feelings and admit that things are changing significantly, however, we’re doing this for the betterment of our family, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
Lastly, my son is freshly five with a May birthday. I’m considering holding him in preschool until he is six because going through these two huge changes at the same time seems like a lot of pressure that could harm his confidence. I’d really love your input.
This parent is nailing all the different feelings that any of us would have going through this. She knows it’s the right thing, but it’s not going to be smooth. The children aren’t going to make it easy on her unfortunately, and that’s not their job and it can’t be their job. What I want to encourage is this idea that we really can be simple, genuine and honest, clear, and then this hardest part: comfortable. Comfortable with your discomfort, comfortable with you missing all your friends, saying No, I’m absolutely not going to leave! They get to express all of those things. And the more room we make for them to express them, the less we get in the way of that, the more we see it as positive and healthy that they’re sharing their grief about the losses of these different things. This is part of life, right? And this is the time, in these early years, when we can encourage in our children a healthy process around change, loss, and all the feelings that go with that. The anticipation, the fear, the excitement, the sadness, the missing people, loneliness.
A couple of examples this parent gave show that she’s doing the normal thing to do, which is trying to convince them that this is going to be better because we’re going to be closer to family. I think once we’ve said that once, it will help if we really don’t stay on that part. If instead we’re more willing to be accepting of our children’s point of view, not trying to convince them of ours. Really just telling them how it’s going to be, being clear about what’s going to happen, honest about how we’re all going to miss so many things here, and really letting them go there. There’s nothing to fear about that because again, the more they share, the more readily they’ll pass through these feelings. It’s just the way it works.
If we can give space for that without acting on the impulse almost all of us have—actually, I don’t know anyone that doesn’t have it—to try to convince them about the good things that this is going to be, how positive this is going to be. Almost like we’re convincing ourselves, right? This parent was very honest that it’s going to be hard for her too. And of course, wouldn’t it be nice if our children didn’t make it harder on us? But these are two separate things. One is our feelings, which are ours to feel and process and allow ourselves to feel as well. Ideally not falling apart with our children, but with our partner or our friends, we can talk about that.
But then our children get to have their right to feel what they feel. And that helps the children to get more comfortable sooner in this new environment, because they got to share how uncomfortable they were. They get to share that for as long as it goes on, without any pushback. We’re not taking on as part of our job that we have to make that better, we have to do something with that. We just almost encourage and want them to say more about that. If we could get to that place, it’s so freeing when we can start to really embrace this idea that feelings are healing when we let them be, when we really let them be.
This parent said she needs advice on handling the feelings of the move. So she doesn’t have to “handle” anything. All she needs to do is reflect, allow, welcome, try not to push back on. Because every time we push back, it’s almost like now we’re going to have more coming at us. It’s going to get more stifled, and then it comes out in different ways and it all lasts longer. So handle it by rolling out the red carpet for them to share it, seeing it as the most perfect thing that they could do. Nothing that needs to make us doubt our decision. She says, “my son is struggling very much with this idea of moving away.” Yes, it is a struggle and it’s a healthy one. For him to share that struggle and to vent it is the best thing he could do.
This parent’s making this choice for all the right reasons. I mean, not that it’s up to me to decide that, but she knows she’s making the right choice. But he doesn’t want to be away from his lifelong friends, his parks, the zoo. And even if there’s a bigger zoo where you’re going or a better zoo, more parks, that’s not something we want to tell him about there. All we want to do is say, Yeah, your park, you love that park. Whatever he’s telling us, we allow and reflect and acknowledge it, without any guardrails on that. That’s healthy. When you can feel that yourself and reflect on it and then have your parents say, Yeah I get it, to validate you in that way, that helps it all pass through. And that’s what we want, right?
This parent said she’s nervous to take her kids out of their environment. Think about it, what makes us nervous? That they’re going to have feelings. So if we don’t have to fear the feelings, we’re not going to be as nervous about it, right? If they didn’t have feelings, it would be strange! If they just said, “Okay, sure, let’s go and move to this new place. Yeah, we’ll do the new things,” that would be very odd and strange, and I would actually be concerned about that. Does this child have a sense of self and their feelings? So this is all exactly what needs to happen. And I would just love this parent, or any parent going through something like this, to be able to rest in that sense of comfort that, Yes, it’s supposed to be messy and emotional, this whole thing. I don’t need to worry about that part or doubt myself because of that.
And then she says, “truly and age-appropriately communicate what’s happening” to the kids. So I would tell them all the things: we’re going to go in the car, we’re going to have this new house. Invite them to be as involved as they want to be. “Here are the boxes. We’re going to pack your stuff. Do you want me to help you? And you can do this with me.” Give them all the appropriate choices to help them feel a part of this, that they’re not just passengers to these changes.
But really the key is the big burst of emotion, as she says, what to do during the big burst of emotion. And what to do is nothing. What to be is open, welcoming, validating if there’s anything to say, really validating. But if you can’t go there, then just nodding your head and just reflecting back what they’re saying.
And then she asks this other thing about her child having a May birthday and should she wait for him to go to school. I think more will be revealed on that. I’m wondering if she could have the school play a part in that and have him play a part in that. Where he gets to go look at the school, maybe talk to some teachers, maybe there’s a summer program he could be a part of. And for you to take your time deciding on that if you can. Because it’s not always the right choice for children to have another year in preschool. Maybe this is controversial that I’m saying this, but for some children it’s more comfortable for them to be with children more their own age and not be the oldest one. But for some kids it’s better to be the oldest one. So it really depends on the child and the kind of school that he’s going to.
But I honestly feel that what will help again so much is allowing her sensitive children to feel all the things. That saying, “the only way out is through.” I love that one, but I think it’s even more empowering as parents to think of it as, “the best way out is through.” The best way to get out of this thing where I’m worried about their feelings is to let them go through the feelings, to want them to go through the feelings. That’s what is going to work best. Children can face just about anything when they have someone that loves them that they can really share with. Someone that isn’t going to be trying to talk them out of it or feeling crushed that they’re feeling that way. A comfortable person to share uncomfortable things with. That’s all any of us want in life, I feel.
And when she talks about how the pressure could harm his confidence. Both of her children are going to get so much confidence from knowing that they can be resilient in this move, with all the messiness that’s going to happen throughout that. When they do start to get to the other side—which isn’t going to be like a smooth door opens and now I’m done. It’s going to still flare up. But to be able to be in that process as a child and know it’s okay to feel really awful one minute and then feel better, there’s nothing more confidence-building than that. As my mentor Magda Gerber used to say, “If we can learn to struggle, we can learn to live.”
Here’s one more:
Do you have advice for “only saying something once”? What do you do when your toddler doesn’t like that you said no, so they ask over and over again, making themselves into a pest, and I guess hoping you’ll give in? I’m not going to entertain such nonsense. I said no, and I meant it. So do I just ignore the building-up begging that I understand is just “attention-seeking behavior”? Ignoring seems like passivity. Today I put her in her room because she wouldn’t shut up after asking me to feed her a snack. She wants to be spoon-fed like an infant and I said, “No, the options are to eat it or not eat it.” But I think she’s probably seeking a connection, so I don’t know how to meet that need.
This is the kind of talking to children that comes up for us a lot beginning in the toddler years, where we have to say no or we have to set a boundary of some kind. I mean, the last parent’s note was about a boundary, in a way. She decided it was the best thing for them to make this move and they get to have their feelings about it. That’s the same here. Being simple, genuine and honest, clear, and comfortable.
Being simple would be saying, “I’d love to give you a snack, but I don’t want to spoon-feed you like a baby.” Because that’s how this parent feels, right? So that’s all I would say. Because from there, my child gets to have her reaction. I mean, this is how I feel, I know every parent doesn’t feel this way. But this is how boundaries work really, really well and how our children know that we can be the strong leader they need. Being a strong leader is about being all these things I said when we’re expressing ourselves: simple, genuine and honest, clear, and comfortable with the idea that you are not going to like what I said.
And the way children sometimes show that is they keep asking, they keep asking, they keep asking. But that has to be okay with us. We don’t have to keep responding, but I also wouldn’t ignore it because ignoring is kind of an aggressive response. We don’t mean it that way, but that’s how it feels to a child when we’re just deliberately ignoring. There’s a place that’s not ignoring, but it’s also not repeating ourselves, which this parent may have heard I don’t recommend.
So we’ve said it, we’ve been clear, we’ve been honest. I wouldn’t say the part about, “You have a choice to do this or you have a choice to do that.” I would just say the clear, simple part, what we are willing to do. “You’re welcome to have a snack, but I’m not going to do it this way for you.” And then when she asks again and again and again, we carry on with life, whatever we’re doing. But maybe every now and then we look and nod, Yeah, you’re still there. You’re still asking me for that same thing. I wouldn’t say our part again, “No, I’m not going to do that.” We’ve already said that, and we’re so comfortable with our choice and with our leadership role with her that we can allow her to have her discomfort that she really wants this so badly and please, please, please, please! There’s a reason children do that, and it’s because of the reaction that they get from us when they do, if that’s an ignoring reaction or a Now I’m at my wit’s end because you keep expressing this and I’m feeling pressured by that. That’s the part that we have to separate ourselves from.
We say it, we express it, and our child gets to feel whatever they feel in response. That’s their right and that’s their business, and ours is just to let that part be. And also to know that behind that is not even that she wants to be fed like a baby. There’s something else going on in this dynamic that she needs to be able to share in this really annoying way. I do realize it’s really annoying when kids keep doing that. But what’s annoying about it is that it’s making us feel uncomfortable, that we have to respond in a certain way, that we can’t let her keep doing this. Her holding on to something, that’s the feeling. It’s like, I’m just holding on. I can’t let go of this because there’s a discomfort in you that’s not allowing me to.
But when we can find that place of comfort with her discomfort, then our kids can kind of relax into that. When she sees that we’re not changing, but we’re also not mad at her for feeling that way, this will stop happening. So imagine that all these uncomfortable things, annoying things, maybe scary things that our child feels and does, these reactions, if they were all okay with us because we knew they were healthy and what our child needs to do to feel better, think about how free we could be to be ourselves.
This parent says, “I think she’s probably seeking a connection.” And at the end she says, “I don’t know how to meet that need.” So that’s the connection: Just see me, stuck in my pesty, annoying thing. See me, accept me. Just let me unravel like this, repeating myself again and again and again and again. Let that be a safe thing for me to do. That’s the feeling of connection, believe it or not. All these things, the child getting to scream and cry about his friends and his routines, the child in the first story possibly not liking this idea that her mom has a new partner, however that ends up looking. We don’t have to worry about any of that. We’ve done our job.
And every time we do this, our child will feel safer, closer. We will feel more confident because we realize, Oh, okay, nothing terrible happened by me allowing that. We’re helping them get on track right now to know that they can survive every discomfort, as long as we can still love them through it. And loving them through it means, I don’t need you to change for me. I don’t need you to feel better or not show those feelings or let go of things easier, or like everything that I do to validate me. You can be a child and I can be the adult that loves you and accepts you.
I really hope some of this helps, and thank you so much for listening. We can do this.
