Of all the tough issues parents face, discipline is tops. I had noted this working with parents over the years, but since I started blogging, it’s become really obvious.
“No Bad Kids – Toddler Discipline Without Shame” was my first post about discipline, and it’s been read nearly five hundred thousand more times than anything else I’ve written. It’s the post that typically gets the most visits each month, even though it’s been years since I wrote it.
The “No Bad Kids…” post was recently shared (on Facebook and Pinterest) with a new wave of readers, which means a new round of comments. This time they’re mostly about spanking, a practice I strongly advise against. The tone of the comments range from indignant to angry, and although I’ve tried to be patient and measured with my responses, the deep chasm between our perspectives makes a calm discussion nearly impossible. And we can certainly forget about either of us changing each other’s mind — there’s no way that’s going to happen.
But if there’s one valuable thing I’ve learned from blogging, it is that hearing a radically divergent view is the way to a better understanding of theirs and yours, which can then lead to empathy. After avoiding disagreements for most of my life, I’m finally seeing the value in them.
I always end up with the same question for spankers: If you knew with all certainty that spanking was totally unnecessary for raising well-mannered, kind and successful children, would you still do it? If so, why?
I’ve posed this countless times to commenters on my blog and in discussions elsewhere on the web. I’ve been told my question is ridiculous and that I’m ignorant. Still, no one answers. So it has finally occurred to me that I should put the shoe on the other foot and answer the question myself.
If I became convinced that spanking was totally necessary for my children to become well-mannered, kind, successful people, and if there were many studies that seemed to prove that by not spanking I am harming my children, it would still be extremely hard, if not impossible, for me to spank. This might be because my parents didn’t spank, so it’s not in my realm of experience. Intentionally causing my children pain is abhorrent and completely unimaginable to me.
Believing in the need for spankings would also mean accepting to my core that my parents failed me. They didn’t care enough to do what was right. How could my parents have neglected the tiny, vulnerable me? How could they not do the best thing for me when I know they loved me?
I’d eventually realize that they couldn’t help it. They inherited their parenting practices from their parents (and so on), and none of them could overcome their visceral response not to spank. It’s not that I wasn’t worthy, right? Did I deserve their neglect?
But anyway, I turned out fine, didn’t I?
I would probably continue to rationalize my inability to spank. I’d be comforted reading anti-spanking articles and surround myself with like-minded parents.
But suppose the more I educated myself, the more compelling and convincing the necessity for spankings became. By avoiding them, I was putting my child and our relationship at risk. I might then go to counseling in hopes of breaking the destructive cycle that had been passed down to me. I’d do all within my power to overcome my fear of physically punishing my child. It would still be really tough. But if I committed myself and worked hard enough, I might one day be as courageous as this dad (mentioned in a pro-spanking comment on “No Bad Kids…”):
My dad would sometimes include that “this hurts me more than it hurts you,” and often had tears in his eyes after placing a few firm pats on my butt.
I share a complete guide to effective non-punitive discipline in my book, No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame