elevating child care

Respectful Parenting Podcasts: “Janet Lansbury Unruffled”

I’m excited to be launching a weekly podcast series!
Janet Lansbury Unruffled will be available on iTunes, Soundcloud, and Stitcher. I hope you’ll tune in and maybe even subscribe (it’s free). 
I hadn’t seriously considered doing weekly podcasts before, because I couldn’t wrap my head around adding another commitment to my plate. But recent developments have convinced me to give it a go…

1. It’s become increasingly clear to me that the written word alone is less than ideal for conveying the subtleties and nuances integral to respectful parenting. Many misinterpretations and misconceptions have come to my attention in the almost 6 years I’ve been writing about RIE parenting. These misconceptions will be easy to clarify through my podcasts.

2. Parents in my classes have been expressing to me lately how much they appreciate (and even need) my weekly in-person demonstrations of the tone and feel of respectful limit setting. Engaging with young children with respect is still, unfortunately, countercultural and can feel counterintuitive, so we need all the reminders and modeling we can get.

3. My books No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting have been extremely popular on Audible.

4. The response to the few podcasts I’ve shared in my posts has been enthusiastic. Listeners have shared that my audio descriptions and demonstrations are what finally got them over the hump to truly understanding and being able to implement respectful parenting practices.

5. Last, but not least, I realized that I can do these podcasts without prep work (which was the daunting part for me) by simply providing my off- the- cuff responses to the questions readers send me via email, Facebook, etc. So these will be similar to my phone consultations, but without the back-and-forth with the parents. Basically, I’ll be having lively conversations with myself.

In the future, I plan to ask other parenting advisers and early childhood educators, particularly RIE Associate Lisa Sunbury (from regardingbaby.org), to co-host so I have a real live person to discuss issues with, and I’m also hoping to share actual recordings of some of my parent consultations (if I can get volunteers).

But to start out with, it will just be me and written questions like this one that I answer in the premiere episode of Janet Lansbury Unruffled:

Hi! I read your book and love it! I love the communication tips and acknowledgment. It’s along the lines of how we parent our almost 3.5 and almost 5 year old girls. But what drives me insane is the verbal incessant demands / screams. While the girls follow directions and don’t bite, hit or kick they do yell at me a LOT. I try to acknowledge their feelings while holding the boundaries firm and they are strong, insistent little people. They ask for something. I say no. They say, “But I want it.” I explain why the answer is no and offer other options if possible and they just start yelling about how they want it. I acknowledge they’re upset and frustrated. And then the screaming continues. The worst is in the car. I can’t say “I won’t let you yell at me” because I can’t stop them. It makes me want to just cry. While I remain calm, inside I feel trapped and tortured. I don’t want to pull over because I want to get to my destination. I have just been feeling beat up by the yelling and that they won’t stop arguing the boundaries. I feel like I’m doing something wrong because I am feeling annoyed. I don’t know how to fix it. Thanks in advance if you can help!

Here’s my response:

Thanks for listening! If you found this podcast helpful and would like a notification for next week’s episode, please subscribe to Respectful Parenting: Janet Lansbury Unruffled on Soundcloud, iTunes or Stitcher. I will not be writing more blog posts about this series (though I will periodically post the links on my Facebook page).

(Photo by the wonderful Sara Prince!)

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66 Responses to “Respectful Parenting Podcasts: “Janet Lansbury Unruffled””

  1. avatar Abby says:

    This is such wonderful news!

    • avatar janet says:

      Thanks for your encouragement!

    • avatar keri says:

      love your work! how many podcasts have you aired so far and where can we find them?

      • avatar janet says:

        Thank you, Keri! The links to my channel on soundcloud, itunes and Sticher are in the beginning of this post (2nd paragraph). I’m adding one each week and currently have 6.

  2. avatar Eleanor says:

    So exciting. Thank you!

  3. avatar Josie says:

    Janet, I am really looking forward to your podcasts. My consult with you last week provided me with so much more clarity. I’m sure your podcasts will be just as helpful. Thank you!!!

    • avatar janet says:

      That’s great news! Thank you for letting me know!

  4. avatar Krista says:

    I look forward to listening to more!!

    LOVE the subject of this first podcast and your guidance with it….as this is something I’m struggling with with my 7yr old. Kids are sooo persistent! lol

    Thank you for what you do!

    • avatar janet says:

      You’re so welcome! Yes, they are persitent, particularly if they sense our discomfort disagreeing with them. 😉

  5. avatar Jo Price says:

    So helpful! Thanks, listening makes all the difference… I look forward to more.

  6. avatar Marie says:

    Thank you Janet, I am so so excited about this, for all the reasons you mentioned, and specifically how much easier these ideas will be to share with my husband. He is very receptive to anything I share with him, but doesnt have much time to read. I’d love to give him something to listen to as he commutes rather than me just saying “well Janet says this, Janet says that.”

    • avatar janet says:

      Thank you, Marie! I hope it works and he doesn’t just think I’m a big nut!

  7. avatar Tracey says:

    Thank you Janet

  8. avatar Amy says:

    Very very glad this is going to be a weekly podcast! I have found your others so useful. Very excited to tune in each week. Thanks Janet!!

    • avatar janet says:

      Cool! Thank you for your kind words of support, Amy!

  9. avatar Hilary says:

    This is great news! I just listened to this podcast and feel as if I ‘get it’ on a whole new level. You’re right, so much is conveyed through tone. So helpful, Janet, thank you!

  10. avatar Stacey says:

    Thank you so much for this. You could not have posted this at a better time. I had to use your advice about five minutes after listening to your podcast. It was so helpful to hear your voice and how you say things. So today instead of trying to fix the tantrumi sat and remained calm. He stopped after a while and hugged me. Thank you

    • avatar janet says:

      Oh, YAY! I love hearing that! Let go and welcome the feelings and you’ll both feel the difference. 🙂

  11. avatar Díana says:

    Love it!!! Thanks so much for this!!

  12. avatar Ruth Mason says:

    Janet, I’m sitting in a hotel lobby waiting for a room and going thru emails so I can’t actually listen to this podcast now but wanted to tell you — again — that the last podcast I heard on your site was so amazing and wonderful I sent it to as many parents as I could and kept it for future reference. You’re right – the tone is so important and you really get it across. Can’t wait to hear this and the next ones. The parents of the world just got luckier!

    • avatar janet says:

      Your encouragement means a lot to me, Ruth! I’m so thrilled that the podcasts are helpful to parents!

  13. avatar camille says:

    Best news I’ve heard all day! I’m an avid listener of podcasts and can’t wait to listen to yours.

    If there are other parenting podcasts you or your readers enjoy, perhaps we could share them here? I like The Longest Shortest Time, and Slate’s “Mom and Dad are Fighting”.

    • avatar janet says:

      Thanks, Camille! Yes, I would love to hear everyone’s podcast recommendations.

      • avatar camille says:

        Coming back to say you have a beautiful voice, and are a pleasure to listen to!

  14. avatar Veronica says:

    Hah! I’m reminded of a recent experience putting my 5yo niece to bed. We were on vacation, sleeping in close quarters: the children were on small beds, and my sister (their mom) and I were sharing the full-sized bed.

    My niece wanted to sleep in the full-sized bed so that a grownup could snuggle with her ALL NIGHT, NOT JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE, as she explained (shouted) at me in an exasperated tone. (I did not laugh, but I admit I was tickled by how much anger went into this conversation about snuggling.)

    I told her that this wasn’t an option that I was willing to offer her, but that I’d be happy to snuggle her in her bed until she fell asleep.

    For a good 30 minutes, she fought and argued and insisted that she would REFUSE to sleep unless I acquiesced, until finally she looked me in the eye and shouted intensely, “OKAY. I would like you to snuggle me in my bed until I fall asleep. But that is NOT my FIRST CHOICE!”

    Then she laid down, pulled my arm around her, and fell asleep.

    In the end, seems like it was more important to her that I understood what she wanted and how heartily she disagreed than it was to actually get what she wanted.

    • avatar janet says:

      YES! And was no doubt a bit stressed and tired because of the traveling. She needed to share that, too! Thank you for sharing such a vivid description!

  15. avatar Stacey says:

    Thank you for offering this! I enjoyed the first two and look forward to more!

  16. avatar Zareen says:

    Thank you so much for taking the time to do this! I have always thought if only I could hear how limit setting sounds like as I just felt like I wasn’t saying it quite right. I try so hard to be respectful but never felt sure of myself. I also have no access to RIE classes where I live so very very grateful for this and the podcasts to come. Thank you you’ve been my saviour with my kids!

  17. avatar Christin says:

    You mentioned that a parent yelling can become modeling for a child. Can you speak/write more about the cycle of yelling that sometimes goes on in families? I often yell when I’m angry, although I do try my very best not to yell. I’ve been practicing patience and mindfulness of my anger for a long time, and I’ve made so much progress (but I still lose it sometimes!) There are many times I don’t get ruffled and I don’t yell (both with my child and with others), but I still do. I already know to set boundaries early, before becoming annoyed, and I’ve gotten pretty good about that, but sometimes it’s just all too much, it’s overwhelming, and I find myself yelling at my daughter (age 22 months) and my husband, too. My mother yelled, her mother yelled, and so on. Even today, I have a tendency to yell at my mother more than anyone else in the whole world. I feel as though this is some kind of cycle that I’m trying very hard to break, and any insight would be appreciated.

    • avatar janet says:

      Christin – this isn’t complicated. Our modeling as a profound effect on our children. If we model a lack of self-regulation (yelling), our children will tend to emulate that. The best thing we can do if we do yell is apologize and repair this situation with our children, i.e., “I’m sorry I lost my temper. That wasn’t okay.”

      I think it’s wonderful that you’ve made the first step to making changes… recognition.

  18. avatar Kate Ralls says:

    Thank you so much for the podcasts. They are awesome. So clear and no room for misinterpretation.

    • avatar janet says:

      Thank you, Kate! I so appreciate your encouragement

  19. Hi Janet,

    Thanks so much for all you do to spread Magda’s ideas about parenting and child development. I think this conversational podcast is just what parent’s want.

    Toddler screaming is a concern of parents in my older baby and toddler classes. In class we don’t have as much time to go into detail and of course the toddler/babies are listening in. As you say, the upset is not about you, the adult, it’s about the child. The outcome is definitely about the adult’s attitude: willingness to acknowledge the child’s point of view and allow intense feelings to be released, waiting, just like with younger babies, and staying certain about the limits we set. I especially love Veronica’s story. I got the feeling from the initial question that the 2 daughters may be teaming up on mom in the car. How would you suggest handling that situation?

  20. avatar Angela says:

    Hi Janet,
    Thanks so much for the podcast on screaming/yelling. I feel like I need your words and examples to be played over in my mind to give me the strength to remain unruffled during my sons next screaming fit (they’re frequent).
    Do you have any additional suggestions on what to do once the child has become a habitual ‘screamer’? My 2yo son has daily, ferocious screaming fits when I approach him about getting dressed (but he is ok once we get started so I don’t think it is s sensory thing). It’s been happening for well over 12 months and I have lost my cool about it many times, it’s really engrained now and he would be very aware that it is a point of anxiety for me.
    Thanks again

    • avatar janet says:

      Right, so it will take a bit of time for you to “prove” to your son that you are his capable leader, not jarred by his healthy resistance. Keep perceiving his “sharing” as positive and stay calm and this behavior will be much less frequent. Hang in there!

      • avatar Angela says:

        Thanks so much for the reply it is so helpful.

        BTW as mentioned above by others, the podcast is so handy because I can hear the tone that you say you suggested responses (e.g. the tone is more lighthearted then I have used) which I can try to use as inspiration in my attempts to kickstart a more positive response to that ‘sharing’

  21. avatar Kelly Daugherty says:

    Love your podcast!

  22. avatar Emily says:

    I love your podcast so far. I have some older children (8 and 6) as well as my young one. Will you be doing episodes about positive parenting techniques for older children or do you have recommendations for some I could listen to?

  23. avatar Jess says:

    Hi, ive been listening on soundcloud so there is no review option (or i am not technical enough to find it) but these podcasts are amazing. They help to understand tone in a way it is difficult to grasp from the written word.
    And are perfect to listen to on a difficult day to stay calm and unruffled.

    • avatar janet says:

      That’s helpful feedback, Jess! Thank you so much

  24. avatar Janelle says:

    Hi Janet,
    Please keep the podcasts weekly if you can! I love listening to them and look forward to the new one each week 🙂
    Thanks
    Janelle

  25. avatar Zoe says:

    Hi Janet

    I’ve only discovered rie parenting a few months ago and it’s completely changed the way I think about parenting. I feel so much more relaxed about things and really feel the pressure is off. I was stuck in a bit of a “spend lots of quality time” loop, which is just exhausting. So thank you!

    I love your podcasts and the fact that they’re weekly. If you could keep them weekly I’d love it!
    Cheers, Zoe

  26. avatar Stephanie says:

    I just listened to your most recent pod cast, coping with possessiveness, and I heard you needed some feedback. I wasn’t sure where to put it, so I figured here was best. I love your pod casts and I check every week for a new topic. I am a TSS by day (I help kiddos and their caregivers, mainly on the spectrum, deal with challenging behaviors in the home) and I clean for my dad’s business at night (the perfect time to listen to your pod casts lol). I am also the mother of an intelligent, independent-thinking, budding 14 month old daughter. The hardest part of my job is teaching parents to do LESS, to react LESS, and to not take things personally. I’ve recommended your channel to several other parents and I’ve had feedback that often sounds like, “Thank you for showing me this. I really needed to hear that.” So many parents struggle with finding the time to just sit and read a book or blog, pod casts open a whole new availability for busy parents (like myself). Plus, hearing your thoughts and voice tone in reaction to real life situations is extremely helpful. I myself would love to hear more about tantrums. The kiddos I work with have some pretty serious tantrums and they can’t be difficult to simply validate and direct to a safe place. thank you for all that you do! You have taught me so much!

  27. avatar Amber says:

    Hi Janet!
    I just discovered the podcast and LOVE it. I find it harder to learn from reading a book/website and don’t seem to find the time. I love listening to the podcast while I’m at work and I hope you keep them going!

  28. avatar Fi says:

    I wanted to leave a review on the podcast but couldn’t find how to do it, so thought I’d leave a reply here. Janet the podcasts are great. I really look forward to them and find them a great resource for when I’m cooking or cleaning and can listen but can’t read! I would love even more of your articles available by podcast if you wanted to do more. Please don’t stop doing them! Hope you get this feedback even if it’s not quite in the right place. If I can figure out how to feedback via iTunes I will!

  29. avatar Cheryll says:

    It’s been a week since I discovered you via my husband. Thank you for your podcasts and book. I’ve shared you with my mom group and you ARE A GAME/LIFE Changer!!! thank you so much!!!!!

    • avatar janet says:

      Wow, that’s so great to hear, Cheryll! And I really needed the boost today, so thank you thank you

  30. avatar jamie says:

    really love the podcasts! i wish there were so many more! i’ve listened to them all already! really hope you keep it up. this is the *only* podcast about this style of parenting (and i don’t just mean RIE, but all the gentle respectful nonviolent parenting ideas out there, from alfie kohn to naomi aldort to lawrence cohen to adele faber)… there just aren’t any other podcasts about parenting even remotely in the same vein! so, thank you for filling the void! 🙂

  31. avatar Nat says:

    Hi Janet,

    I just wanted to let you know how much I’m enjoying your weekly podcasts. I often read (and re-read) your blog posts to keep me on track with your approach (and to find relevant information on whatever the new challenge of the week is!), but having a weekly audio reference is so helpful. I don’t necessarily find that the RIE approach comes naturally to me, but the more I practice it and remind myself that I don’t need to fight or resist my sons feelings (and boy does he have STRONG and FREQUENT feelings!!) the easier my journey as a mother has become. Your podcast helps to remind me to keep calm and just be present with my son rather than allow my emotional reactions to influence my response to behaviour that I find difficult. Anyway, the point of my message is to let you know that I would love if your podcasts continued weekly! Oh, and thank you!!

  32. avatar Caroline says:

    In your last podcast you asked for feedback and I wasn’t sure where to give it to you. I appreciate your podcast because it helps me hear what to say and how to say it. I have 4 kids under 4 including 3 year old twins. It’s always crazy but I’m so grateful for you and the resources I’ve found because of you that help me to acknowledge feelings, mine and my kids’. My biggest challenge now is when one particular twin wants something like more milk that I won’t give him (because he just plays with it), and he just tantrums. The podcast is also useful to me because I can study while I clean and cook!

  33. avatar Amy says:

    Hi Janet,
    I just wanted to take a minute and tell you how much your podcast has rocked my parenting foundation. I only found you in the last 6 months, thanks to a friend who shared your post on Facebook, and I’ve been devouring each podcast. I have your books cued up to listen to but I just wanted to say how much I love the PODCAST itself. In my quest for parenting guidance, what I have longed for is the play by play example, complete with script and possible scenarios. Not just “do this” and why to do it (which is important) except it leaves you helpless when things don’t go the way you thought they would. I just really have appreciated hearing you tone and dialogue with the hypothetical child and situation. It’s been so valuable so please keep it up. I eagerly await each post! Thanks, Amy

    • avatar janet says:

      Hi Amy! That is so very encouraging! Thank you, thank you, thank you

  34. avatar Yev says:

    Thank you so much for your work and for the podcasts (specifically – I never have time to read with my 1.5 year old, so podcasts are great!)
    I am learning so much and always looking forward to new ones coming out!

  35. avatar Mandi Michielsen says:

    Thank-you so much for creating these podcasts. I found these randomly after seeing your name mentioned in a natural parenting group. The two that I have listened to are very helpful and encouraging for me.

  36. avatar miriam says:

    Dear Janet

    I bought both books and keep them on my nightable besides my bed to read and reread.
    With your permission I translate it for the parents in the chidcare centers that I counsel and the parents don’t stop thanking me for this “new language” that they are learning.
    I especially enjoy listening to your voice on the podcast to hear how the message sounds. I tell the parents that toddlers listen to our voice, the look in our eyes and our body language and not so much to the actual words we use.
    Thank you so much for the great mission you have undertaken.
    Much health and happiness to you
    miriam Blau
    Israel

  37. avatar Kimberly A Bauer says:

    Thank you so much for this great podcast! I wanted to ask a question about caregivers. My mom (and my daughters Grandma) watches my 20 month old once a week. My very opinionated and independent daughter is always excited to see my mom, but she gets very frustrated with how much my mom wants to hug, kiss, and “get in her space”. How can I work with my mom to pull back the attention and engage based on my daughter’s interests?

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