elevating child care

When Children “Can’t Do It” (And How To Help)

“Don’t be afraid to try” and “Keep trying, don’t give up” are directives we hope our children will internalize. Self-initiative, gumption, resilience, tenacity and perseverance are character traits most of us wish to foster. So it can be disconcerting when our children seem to quit rather than stay on task, or worse, appear to have a defeatist attitude and refuse to even try. 
Here are the most common reasons young children say “I can’t do it” and what we can do to help:

1. External pressure

Causes: Our own agendas, misunderstanding our role or our child’s developmental readiness.

Children most commonly adopt an “I can’t” attitude because they have routinely felt pressured to perform beyond their ability and/or counter to their own interests. Since young children are especially sensitive to the underlying messages in our actions, this pressure is often completely unintentional on the part of the parent.

We unwittingly impose pressure when we believe it our role to teach our young children rather than trusting them to be natural, self-directed learners. Then, rather than feeling appreciated for their developmental abilities and play choices, our children receive the message that they are not living up to our expectations. This can happen innocently while parent and child are playing together and usually begins long before the child can verbalize “I can’t.”

It can happen when our baby demonstrates disinterest when we read the story rather than just let her practice turning the pages as she wishes. It happens when our toddler watches us build a block tower instead of doing what he wanted to do: Sort the blocks into colors (himself), line them up, or place them in a bucket one-by-one before dumping them out again.

Engaging in art projects with our children commonly causes pressure, because we can do everything so much “better” than our child. Even by making well-intentioned, unsolicited suggestions, he or she can easily feel intimidated and inadequate.

Constant praise and encouragement usually have the opposite effect of what we intend. There is a fine line between encouragement and pressure for many children. For the rest, there is no line at all. A parent’s enthusiastic cheerleading,” Come on, sweetie, you can do it!” can be intensely pressure inducing. (After all, what if she really can’t do it? Has she failed you?)

Psychologist Carol Dweck’s extensive studies on praise show that comments like “You’re so smart!” can create an “I can’t” attitude. It’s safest to acknowledge: “You are working so hard” or “you did it.”

Remedy: Our child’s “I can’t” is something we must listen to — a red flag indicating that we need to back off, trust, wait and appreciate what our child does rather than wanting more.

Infant specialist Magda Gerber said it best: “Readiness is when they do it.” Let your child be the one to show you what she is studying and learning. Be responsive rather than directive. Don’t even ask, “Why don’t you try?”

Learn to observe play and be mindful about taking over if you do join in. Our children need to be trusted to do things in their time, not ours.

Children are process rather than product oriented, but our focus on results can influence them and create pressure. Instead, give kids the message that they do not need to finish activities like puzzles, etc. Let them do it their way and allow them to stop when they’ve had enough. Stopping and quitting are not the same thing.

If a preschooler says “I can’t” to a teacher about a group activity, accept her response and try offering her another way to participate. The child who “can’t” do the art project might like to be in charge of organizing or distributing the supplies.

2.  Too much help

Cause: Parents over-responding, reacting impulsively, or underestimating child’s abilities.

Children get the message that they “can’t”, when we do for them before giving them the opportunity to do it themselves. This is a tricky one, extremely challenging for parents and caregivers because we naturally want to help.

There was a brilliant example last week after one of my RIE parenting classes. A mum and I were intently discussing something while her 11-month-old son was using the step climber between us. He had found his way down the three steps successfully at least once but was then back up top and decided to reach for his mum instead. Although this mum knew better, she was distracted by our discussion and took him down without a thought.

A minute later I mentioned what had happened, and we had a laugh about our powerful natural impulses to fix things for our kids. Meanwhile, the little guy had climbed to the top again and was now crying out for his mum to take him down as she’d done previously. He no longer believed he could make it down himself.

Remedy: Wait. Then wait some more. See what the child can do independently while assuring him that you’re right there and available. If you are attempting to undo a pattern of helping too much, acknowledge the change: “I was taking you down from these steps, but it is safer if I let you try. I won’t let you fall.” If the child continues to struggle and complain about it, perhaps offer the most minimal assistance (which will probably begin with talking him through the process: “Can you place your foot down one step?”).  Allow accomplishments to belong to children whenever possible.

3.  Negative experiences

Cause: The child has an unpleasant or traumatic experience with a particular activity.

Remedy: Trust and let go as much as possible, especially if the activity is optional. Rather than trying to sell the experience to the child, “Oh, but the warm bath feels so good. Look at all those fun toys,” acknowledge the feelings. “You really don’t want to get in the bath again after slipping under the water. That was so upsetting, I know.”

Find ways for the child to approach the activity autonomously. For example, “Would you like a bath or a sponge bath tonight? Do you want to choose some toys to bring into the bathtub? Please tell me when you are ready to go in the tub. I can lift you in or you can climb in while I keep you safe. Would you like to be the one to turn on and off the water?”

4. Nurturing

Cause: Could be a number of things, but this “I can’t” is usually a request for help during changes and transitions, both external (like moving houses, a new baby or school) and internal (motor skill development, etc.) and other stressors.

“I can’t” can be confusing to parents and caregivers when we know without a doubt that the child can. She can, but she won’t, because she needs to feel more nurtured, cared for, babied. This resistance is usually around “caregiving” and transitional activities like getting dressed, walking (rather than being carried), toilet learning, eating independently rather than being fed, etc.

Remedy: Again, accept and trust rather than questioning or coaxing the child. Offer help. Fulfill these wishes whenever possible without batting an eyelash. If you can’t pick your child up that day for whatever reason, that’s okay, too, but openly acknowledge her desire without the slightest bit of judgment. Then our children can and will do it again with confidence when they are ready.

The key to fostering an “I can” mentality is simple… Accept, appreciate and allow whatever children are able to do in that moment, rather than expecting or encouraging them to do more.

Why is it so difficult to accept the importance of readiness? Normally developing children do what they can do; they do not withhold. Parents who expect their children to perform on a level the child has not yet reached are creating failure and disappointment for both the children and themselves. Don’t people realize how it possibly affects young children when what they can do is not appreciated but what they cannot do is expected?” – Magda Gerber

I share more about trust, readiness and fostering a “can do” attitude in

Elevating Child Care, A Guide to Respectful Parenting 

 

If you need advice about remedies for specific situations, I’ll do my best in the comments!

(Photo by Niklas Shellerstedt on Flickr)

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103 Responses to “When Children “Can’t Do It” (And How To Help)”

  1. avatar Nicole says:

    Hi Janet,
    Please help! I have 4 wonderful daughters (ages 6 years, 4 years, 2 years and 5 months). My 6 year old is full of confidence, loves to try new things and never gives up on something until she gets it right! My 4 year old on the other hand, is easily frustrated and always says “I can’t do it!” because she isn’t capable of doing things as well as her older sister (ie. Reading, writing, drawing, cart wheels, playing sports, etc). We try so hard to encourage her and not to compare her to her older sister but nothing seems to help. We want her to be proud of herself and her accomplishments. How can we help build her confidence and help her to see how wonderful and bright she is? Thank you do much for any advice!

    • avatar Becky says:

      Have you tried signing her up for an activity older sister doesn’t do? She can then build her confidence in something with no comparisons. If older sister wants to do it too, wait until younger sister’s skills will be hard to catch up to.

  2. avatar Anne says:

    My 20 month old will almost always ask for help or say “mommy do it” with a project, even if she has done it herself alone in the past. I often say, “you try it,” or “this is your project,” but after reading this post I am wondering if that is causing her too much pressure? I am not sure what to say to her on these moments.

  3. avatar Sandi says:

    I signed up my younger daughter to try various activities over the years (from age 3 and she is now 9). Each time she starts out with great gusto (ballet, gymnastics, yoga, clarinet, hip-hop) but after 3-5 sessions, she gets mad and totally ‘quits’. She’ll say ‘You can’t make me do this.’ and she will sit and pout during class. Normally, she learns very easily and I think each time she doesn’t understand something, gets over-the-top frustrated, and gives up instantly. How can I encourage her to keep trying and not get mad at the world. I want her to understand that life has challenges. She’s been asking to go back to gymnastics, after learning quite a bit on the school playground with friends. But I don’t want to pay $ only to have her quit. I might sign her up if I thought she’d stay with it. Thoughts?

    • avatar Marea Smith says:

      Perhaps showing her by example? My husband takes part in triathlons but we always emphasise that he is only competing against himself, that his goal is to keep getting better, that He needs to practice in order to get better. I play the violin, and we always talk about how mummy has to go to practice, that she has to keep learning, that it has taken many years of practice for me to achieve. Do you have a craft or hobby that you can relate your own learning process to? Can you talk about your work, about how you need to put in some effort for recognition. An committee you are on?

  4. avatar Rebecca Zimmerman says:

    My 6 year old says that he can’t do certain activities at school. He says he can’t draw, that at the other kids draw better than him. At home he has said he can’t write sentences or he can’t do anything. I’ve seen this side of him since he was little–having a certain vision of how things should be and then getting quickly frustrated when he couldn’t create that vision. I shared similar tendencies when I was younger, putting high expectations upon myself and not letting myself ‘mess up’ . Would welcome advice for how to address the issue

  5. avatar Erica says:

    Hi,
    My husband and I just received custody of his 7 year old daughter. We knew things weren’t good at home with her mother and that it was going to be a lot of hard work to help his daughter through all her new changes.
    She’s a well behaved and is very bright, but she seems to be lacking confidence. She always has. We try to tell her that she is so smart, funny, kind, and pretty, but she doesn’t believe enough in herself to accomplish a difficult or challenging tasks.
    I don’t know if itvs in her nature, or because how her mother treated her. She has always been like this. From taking away the bottle, or wearing big girl underware, or walking her first steps, she seems to reluctant/more resistant to try anything new or tricky.
    She tells me that she doesn’t like to sweat. We’ve had her in acrobatics class for 2 years: by the end of last year she was able to complete this one move, but now this year she says she can’t do it at all any more. I don’t know why except that she won’t practice at home. When we remind her to she does it with very litle “effort” or complains that she jus cant. It like she won’t use any of her muscles. BUT she still says she wants to stay in the class and enjoys it.
    If she wants extra money to go shopping we have her to do chores. For 30 minutes of yard work she can earn $3. When we’ve done this, we have her pick up sticks. The first time I was shocked of how few she picked up in an half-an-hour, there were less than 20 twigs and sticks. The second time I watched her do it and that’s when I saw her just walking around the yard not doing anything. I don’t know if she was singing to herself or playing a game in her head, so I would remind to stay focus and pick up the sticks. (We live in heavily wooded area, our yard gets full of them-everywhere). She just puts very little effort into her tasks. Even homework.
    I’m okay if she’s not althletic, I never was. But it’s anything from brushing teeth to cleaning your room. We’ve tried timers and she always goes past the time. We’ve let go at her own pace with cleaning her room-the longest it’s taken was 3 hours and her wasnt that messy, brushing her teethat takes 15-20 min. (she wont let me teach her how to floss or use mouth wash, she saus mout tates bad. lol so she is just in brushing her teeth)….
    She just doesn’t get what it means to hurry or challenge oneself. The child has one speed, I’ve never seen her rush.
    I don’t know what to do except be patient. There have been several times we’ve run late because she won’t hurry it up. And I don’t want to dress her for her, or brush her teeth. She’s 7 and can do it. But is just very slow and will NOT pick up the pace at any time.
    Is there any way to explain/teach the importance of challenging oneself and sometimes just moving quickly?
    I think I’ve done well keeping calm and making extra time for her. It’s that fact that she doesn’t have any drive to push herself. I’m afraid that attitude will have negative affects on her life when she gets older. I’m afraid that she’ll just give up with a class that gets difficult or if just anything takes a little more effort than usual.
    Is that important? Am I worrYing too much about this? Is pushing oneself to hurry even related to pushing oneself in other challenages?

    • avatar Tracy says:

      I have the SAME problem with my 8 year old and I am also VERY frustrated. It is just easier to do it for her and I know this is not good but we still have to get to work and school on time! Did you get any good advice about handling children like this?

    • avatar armida says:

      I realise this is old but I thought I would point out two possible things that may be impacting children experiencing this situation. My 2nd oldest is similar to your daughter. We discovered he has sensory processing disorder which can impact things like executive function and hence their attitude and behaviour. I was aware that all of our children have SPD but with more research realised that this can impact children’s attitude and behaviour. I have read Smart but Scattered which may help identify some of the underlining difficulties associated with executive function and strategies on how to help. The sensory issues however are not so easy to remedy and its all the more confusing when the two issues seem to be connected. Either way, I hope the info may help someone.

  6. avatar Kathy says:

    I’m a nanny for a 3 yr old girl and her 23 month old brother Elliott. Elliott will not use more than about 5 words. He’s at the level of a one year old and I just don’t know how to help him. He understands everything you say and can identify things by pointing and grunting.He’s very smart but just refuses to speak with words. Sister is very verbal and had no problem. The family does a good job at not talking for him so I’m just kind of stuck.any advice? Please email me.

  7. avatar Arwen says:

    External pressure… yes. I often come across parts of your writing that bring up my own childhood, and I have to stop and process the reaction of “OUCH. Yes, I remember that.” I’m 35 and I still have the “I can’t” response to some people in my family, and still feel that nothing I do is good enough. It is very challenging to finally confront their behavior, because there’s no way I’ll let them treat my son the way they treat me.

  8. avatar Vatti Van Zyl says:

    Hi there,

    We moved recently from one province to another.I have a 7 year old boy. Since he went to GR R he struggled to keep up with the other kids. He get so frustrated and say he cant do it and then he act out in class by disrupting the class. His now in GR 1 and its affecting his grading in the class. How can I help him?

  9. avatar Anna Schouten says:

    My daughter Juliette has just turned 4. She is on the whole very helpful and caring and generally as independent as you would expect for her age I think. However, some mornings she seems to wake up with a ‘bee in her bonnet’ for lack of a better term. Everything seems to be wrong and too hard.

    This morning for example, she decided she couldn’t dress herself, when I asked her to go to the toilet before we leave the house (it was a morning she goes to preschool) she lies down on the floor and tells me she doesn’t know where the toilet is! If she goes, she has often suddenly forgotten how to sit on the toilet. Her backpack is too heavy, she can’t remember how to sit on a dining chair, she can’t see her lunchbox (right in front of her) to put it in her backpack etc etc! All of the things I ask her are well within her capabilities and simple requests.

    Are you suggesting with this article that I am best to just dress her, put the lunchbox in etc myself??

    I am expecting my 3rd baby in about 8 weeks, and while maybe this behaviour is partly due to starting preschool in the last couple of months and a new baby coming, I can’t help but think I will need her to do these things as I will have a new baby to look after as well!

    I am just lost on the best way to respond both with my actions and what I say to her.

    Any help much appreciated 🙂

    • avatar janet says:

      I’m going to be recording a podcast in response to your questions, Anna. I’ll link it here when I’ve posted it. Hope it helps!

      • avatar Anna Schouten says:

        Ohh thank you so much!! I really appreciate your response!

        • avatar janet says:

          Here’s the podcast, Anna. Please let me know what you think:

  10. avatar Amy says:

    Hi Janet,

    My son is almost 4. He’s been in a school-like daycare since he was almost 1 and has now started junior kindergarten (at the same facility). 3 has been tough all around, in developmentally appropriate ways – lots of defiance and emotions to learn about. But over the last few months, probably related to having a new baby sister, starting school, and generally being a bit of a perfectionist, he’s been voicing loads of self doubt – “I can’t” in response to nearly any magnitude of challenge. I suspect he’s most influenced by the “too much help” factor. He and his dad got into the habit of my son asking his dad to build or draw things FOR him, and my husband, for lack time or energy, usually gives in. I’ve discouraged this, but my son is perceptive and persuasive. I find myself at a loss for how to respond when my son WANTS some play goal accomplished without putting any effort into making it happen. A recent example – he’s into Pokemon and wanted a “training gym” for his Pokemon. He asked his dad to build it. Dad was cooking dinner and I was holding his baby sister. My son started up with the “I can’t” and the “I’ve never done it” and I really wasn’t sure how to respond except to encourage him to mess around and try out different Legos and blocks and just have fun with it. He seems to stubbornly bristle at the “just try it” approach. He definitely prefers if someone plays along with him, but ends up sitting at the sidelines while his dad does all the play “work”. How would you approach this?

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