elevating child care

Please Don’t Handle The Children

Posted by janet on May 11th, 2012

“My husband’s only brother got married, and we were all invited to be in the wedding, even Nicky. I’m so proud to say that Nicky walked down the aisle successfully, even when nobody (not even his own grandparents) thought that he would understand what was asked of him.

Then, when it was time to exit down the aisle, a stranger from the bride’s side reached out and touched Nicky’s head as he went. It broke his concentration on the task at hand, and when he realized he was surrounded by strangers and one had just touched him, he burst into tears. It was a huge lesson (for quite a few of us) in respecting the personal space of even the smallest of people. When my husband and I discussed it afterward, it made me think of you.” –Caroline (the mom who shared her story in 7 Parenting Secrets That Change Lives)

Perhaps children should wear warning labels: “I might look cute and what I’m doing might look easy, but chances are, I’m putting 100% of my most serious effort into whatever it is. For this and a load of other reasons, please don’t touch me.”

Why do we think we have the right to touch children? The younger the child, the more welcome we feel to touch and hold him or her without permission. It seems to me that we get this totally backward…shouldn’t it be the other way around?

I’m a touchy, feely, demonstrative person. Perhaps overly so. As I mentioned in Can Babies Love Too Much? – Teaching Children To Give Affection With Respect, I impulsively hug adults I’ve just met. I touch people on the shoulder to emphasize “I like you”, “I care” or “I’m sorry”.

But the younger the person, the less able they are to say “no”, glare at us disapprovingly, or push us away. Young children are especially incapable of indicating more subtle discomfort. “That doesn’t feel good. That tickles. Please don’t, I don’t know you yet. You interrupted me.”

Some believe it’s okay for babies and toddlers to be swooped up, “loved up” (as one parent put it), thrown up in the air, tickled, rough-housed, pushed down slides, etc. Yes, they might seem to enjoy those things. When we’re smiling and laughing, our babies want to mirror this, and they are the very best sports we’ll ever find. They’re all about trust.

But don’t we want to ensure their security, self-confidence, respect for their boundaries and those of others? Every interaction children have teaches them their place in the world, how they should be treated and how they should relate to others. Children wholeheartedly accept the level of respect they are given.

Touch is a fundamental need for babies, but the way we touch matters. Infant expert Magda Gerber has been criticized because of her recommendation to ask babies, or at least warn them, before picking them up, even when they’re crying. She believed infants could and should be given choices and the little bit of time they need to make them. “With infants we have to be even more careful, because they cannot tell us…” For advising this ultra-sensitivity and respect, Gerber is sometimes misunderstood as being against picking up babies.

It’s vital that we teach our children that they belong to themselves. They must know they have a right to their personal space and boundaries. This is not a lesson that can wait until age 3 or 4, and it’s a lesson only we can provide, because society is way behind on this one. We may have to resort to the warning labels.

(Photo by Details of the Day on Flickr)

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29 Responses to “Please Don’t Handle The Children”

Meagan says:

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Do you mean we should never roughhouse with our babies, or just not with less familiar babies?

We have a sort of ritual, whenever the three of us end up in my husband and my bed, my son will immediately crawl, top speed, for the pillows. When he gets there he sort of pauses, and if I can see his face, there’s a grin of anticipation. One of us grabs him and flips him onto his back. He squeals with delight the second he feels contact, then again when he lands back on the bed.

Obviously this game is something we initiated (much more gently when he was younger). But now, he seems to be communicating his readiness, and even chooses the beginning of the game. It’s entirely on his terms now, though not in any way in his control. Isn’t rough housing a healthy, important interaction? Especially for dads, but for both of us I would think.

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- janet says:
  
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  Meagan, that sounds respectful and responsive to me. This definitely isn’t about “never” wrestling, etc., it’s about being mindful of our child’s point of view and his or her ability to indicate readiness and participate actively. It’s about doing things with children (that we are sure are welcome) rather than doing things to them.
  
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Charlotte says:

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This post is so timely. This evening we were eating at a restaurant that we have frequented three times in recent months for different family celebrations. Each time we had a large group. One waitress has been there all three times. Although she’s never been our primary waitress, she has helped the other waitresses wait on our group. We have three children. Each time she has gravitated toward our 4 year old son – talking more to him, encouraging him to eat his food, etc. The first time we thought she was working hard for a tip. The second time it seemed a bit much. This evening, while we were getting everyone settled, she asked him what he wanted to drink. He told her Sprite, but none of us heard the exchange. Not long after that, she brought him and our 2 year old a Sprite. We rarely give the kids Sprite and promptly asked our primary waitress for water. Later the odd waitress held up his plate to show us that he ate half of his food and asked if he could have a lollipop. We were annoyed, but it wasn’t the end of the world. As we wrapped up eating and visiting, she came up to him and tickled him. He giggled, but I could tell he wasn’t totally comfortable. He has Asperger’s. One of his sensory issues is being touched suddenly. He seemed to hold back his usual outburst, because she doted on him. I was so flabbergasted that this woman felt it was okay to touch our child after meeting us, briefly, three times. My first urge was to pull her aside and tell her that her behavior was not appropriate, but we opted to leave instead due to the group. I plan to talk to him about it being okay to say he doesn’t want to be touched. How do you recommend handling such things? (alerting the adult)

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- janet says:
  
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  Ugh, sorry to hear that, Charlotte. I like your idea about talking to your son. I’d also clearly let him know that this woman’s behavior was inappropriate (which I’m sure you’ll do). Maybe the lesson here will be that grown ups make mistakes and do wrong things and that, yes, he should definitely feel okay about pushing her away or saying “don’t touch me”…or just “no” might be easier. But those things are hard for young children to do… So, mostly I would reassure him.
  
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Krista says:

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I noticed this just the other day. I run a home daycare and when a grandma came to pick up her grandson she russled the hair of another child. Any ideas on what to say in a situtation like that?

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- janet says:
  
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  Krista, I think all you can do is explain to the child afterwards what has happened and let him know you didn’t think that was okay.
  
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Fiona says:

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Thanks for this article Janet. My oldest daughter is now 6 and she does not like to be touched by adults nor will she talk to adults she does not know (even in a familar setting). When she was small strangers would touch her in the store (she has piercing blue eyes) She did NOT like it. After a few times I realised I needed to step up and once any conversation started with a stranger I was ready to stop them touching her. I got very blunt with people. Even though they were upset I knew I needed to protect my daughter.

We have also had several incidences of strangers photographing my daughter without permission. She hates the camera as much as being touched.

We are heading to Australia in July for a wedding and she is a flowergirl. This post reminded me that I will need to talk to my daughter before we go and prepare her!

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Fiona says:

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PS Your last line about warning labels is so funny! My husband and I have joked MANY times about making a tshirt for our daughter that says ‘don’t touch me, talk to me or look at me!’

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Mamma Rose says:

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My husband is Jewish and we made the trek to Israel to visit family last October. Hank was just eight months old and by the time we got there I was ready for anyone else to hold him! But their culture is SO much different. It’s all about asking the child if they want to be held and holding out their arms, if the child denies, they don’t mind and wait a few minutes, hours or even days before they try again — until the child feels comfortable enough to choose to go to them. Everyone did this! But it’s something that we, here in America, don’t do at all, or even consider doing (at least I hadn’t). Maybe we should? It boosted Hank’s independence and confidence that he had a choice. Kudos to their respect of children’s space.

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Sarah says:

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I had an incident yesterday. I live in Hong Kong and was happy to have an English speaking person help me translate my concerns to the non-english speaking perpatrator of “head patting” of my son. I explained with a smile that, “my son doesnt like it, and we believe nobody really likes to be pat on the head by a stranger.” the translator (the shop keeper) was very understanding. The elderly woman was a little taken aback! Hopefuly food for thought for her? INteractions with strangers now that I respect my child’s rights are quite different. I thought I would become very agressive as i have seen some parents in the past (dont touch my child!), however, i feel very calm, i protect my boy (he hides or i lift him) i dont rush, i speak to my boy and explain reasons why that person did, or does what they did, then if the person is still there, explain gently and kindly that he prefers to wave hello quietly when meeting someone for the first time.

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- janet says:
  
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  Sarah, thanks for sharing this story…sounds like you handle these situations beautifully.
  
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Lilly says:

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My son is almost 18 months old, and he is very good at indicating that he’s uncomfortable. I watch him sometimes in the daycare when other kids get too close to him, he gently pushes them back. With adults, he pushes with his hands, and makes a really annoyed face. It’s interesting for me, because I tend to be a pushover (and it makes me very uncomfortable to hurt people’s feelings). Still, I gently take him away from the situation, or use my body as a deterrent.

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Lainey says:

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My son was six weeks early, The NICU nurses urged us to be careful about exposing him to germs until he was 6 months old because apparently premature babies immune systems take a bit longer to kick in. I probably took their advice a little more seriously than I needed to, so I took him out very sparingly until he was 6 months old. When I did start to take him out, it was shocking to me how many complete strangers think it’s totally fine to reach out and squeeze his cheeks. I’m not quite as germ phobic as I was then but I still think it’s disrespectful. They would never do that to an adult. I often want to do it to them and then just carry on the conversation as if everything is normal. When my husband tickles my son’s ultra cute cheeks or bops his nose out of the blue, I do it right back to him. What do you think is the best way to handle strangers touching your baby? My son doesn’t seem to mind that much but he doesn’t seem to like it either. Do I say, “Charlie, is it OK if this person touches you?” or “why don’t you get to know him before you touch him?” (seems like that would create a lot of tension) or just talk to my son about it afterwards?

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- janet says:
  
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  Ugh, that must have been extremely upsetting… I remember people offering their fingers for my babies to suck! Yikes, talk about germs!
  
  Lainey, sometimes it’s too late to stop the action, but I would at least acknowledge to your son, “That surprised you when your cheeks were touched!” Perhaps the person will “get” it, but since this is the height of insensitivity…maybe not. Then I would talk to your son afterwards. “Some people think it’s okay to touch people they don’t know. It isn’t. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to stop that from happening.”
  
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Helen says:

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I hope that my contact with children is as respectful and considerate as it is with adults … but I realise that I do probably touch children more (even in Sweden where hand-shaking, quick hugs and even hug+airkiss are common between adults)
I would like to add that I think many children do initiate more, and closer, physical contact that adults do … The situation mentioned with a grandmother collecting her gchild from nursery and ruffling the hair of another child hit home to me as I often find, when picking up my own child from preschool, that another child seeks physical contact with me. REaching up their arms to be picked up (I’m sure the staff sometimes wonder why I am chatting to my child, sitting alongside them, with somebody else’s child sitting on my knee!) or leaning into me in an attention-seeking way … in which situation I might well hair-ruffle.
Surely it’a about reading the body language and responding to it? There are a range of ways in which a large number of parents make physical contact with their own children and it is not that strange if the children seek out the less intimate forms of this from other adults that they feel comfortable with.
I think the children at Joe’s preschool are thinking “Joe’s mum is here” “I want my Mum to come” “I want a little attention too”
I realise the key to this is respect, and reading the child’s body language, but if the child is seeking out attention from an adult who is slightly familiar to them and in a known safe familiar setting, is the hair-ruffle really so bad?

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- janet says:
  
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  Helen, you are so thoughtful and kind-hearted. I don’t think the ruffling is so bad. I honestly worry far more about the children who want to be picked up and hugged by adults they might know, but aren’t intimately acquainted with… I believe this stems from some boundary “confusion” that can be caused by adults or older children not respecting their personal boundaries. I don’t mean to sound paranoid, but children this “open” can be open to dangerous contact with others. This is why it is so important to give children clear boundaries and demand respect for theirs as much as possible.
  
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Briana says:

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My family and I just returned from a trip to Mexico, and while we were there I noticed many, many times strangers commenting on and touching our 5 year old son. I was actually impressed with the sweet sign of affection from (mostly older) women. My son didn’t mind, and it made me realize that culturally we are more protective of our children’s personal space than, say, the Mexican culture. I would absolutely object if my son was uncomfortable, but I left Mexico feeling like the “village” it takes to raise a child knows no geographical boundaries. A grandmothers soft hand caressing my sons cheek accompanied by the comment “que lindo” filled me and my family with a sense of love and community, not dread.

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- janet says:
  
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  Good point about cultural differences, Briana. And I think that your boy being older helped him to feel more in control and able to enjoy the affection.
  
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Beth says:

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A clerk at the supermarket reached over and touched my year old daughter’s cheek tonight. I detest when it happens but I can’t seem to interrupt people before they touch my daughter. I am afraid of insulting people, hurting feelings, embarrassing them, et cetera. Would love some advice on how to handle this.
I am also quite concerned about seeing family over the holidays since family seems to think they have a “right” to hold your child, touch them, et cetera. I can tell my daughter does not like it and I wish people respected her boundaries. I would like to wait until she indicates that she is okay being touched. Obviously I need to set the boundary for her but I fear I am failing her. Part of the problem is that these circumstances arise before I am really aware and I am caught off guard. Any further thoughts on HOW to do this are welcome.

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V says:

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This all rings so true for me at the moment. My son is the first grandchild and ever since he has been born his grandmother, my MIL has smothered him with affection. For example when I or anyone is holding him she grabs his feet and kisses them or sucks his toes or when he was a baby and he’s crying because he needs a sleep, I’d try and take him away and she would physically stop me and smoother him with kisses to say goodbye. She frequently grabs his face and plants big kisses on it whilst he squirms to get away. Seriously the list of I feel her inappropriate touching goes on. However now at 18 months he refuses to go to her. He screams if she tries to take him from me and the other day physically shook his head. He grabs onto me so tightly for protection and safety. My partner (her son) has told her on numerous occasions that she needs to calm her affection down because our son doesn’t like it. Repeating it again this weekend when she replied in a tone of great disrespect not only to my son, but also her own son “I don’t care”.
I am glad that my son shows her that he doesn’t like it,,, but she just doesn’t get it and carries on. She seriously does not understand why he wont go to her. She and I have never seen I to I as in the past and to this day I frequently have to barriers up to protect myself against her well intentions overbearing actions which she ignores anyway and carries on. I want to say something, but if she will not even listen to her own son she’s not going to take any notice of what I say.

I was wondering Janet if you have any advice for me in protecting my son in this situation.

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- MDA says:
  
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  I have the exact same MIL. She is very offended when we tell her what to do or not to do. She often picks up our son and says things like “Give Nanny kiss.” And if our son (who is only 14 months) does not, she then says “You’ll make Nanny cry if you don’t give me a kiss.” Our son tries to squirm away, but she ignores it and continues with the forced kisses. I am at a complete loss. I do not know what to say because I know from past experience that she will not listen to me or my husband. I get the feeling that when we tell her not to do something, that she thinks we are trying to keep the baby away from her or prevent her from doing the grandmotherly things she wants to do. Last week she was so overbearing that our son took her by the finger over to the door and waved her goodbye. He was done with her. She just cannot see that her actions are preventing what could be a wonderful relationship and bond with her grandson.
  
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  - janet says:
    
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    Oh, dear, that sounds very discouraging. Unfortunately, your MIL is the one who will lose out on a potentially wonderful relationship due to her insensitivity.
    
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Chloe says:

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Thanks for posting. I feel bad that I didn’t do very well sticking up for my son as a baby when everyone wanted to touch him. I find it very difficult to tell people (friends, family, and strangers alike) not to touch my child until he is ready for it. Now that my son is 17 months he does better at letting people know that he doesn’t want to be held by them yet, but it’s still a challenge. I am better at telling people now too, but it helps when my son backs away. I can say “I think he’s not ready to be touched/tickled/held by you yet. Maybe after he knows you a little better.”

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Mira says:

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Dear Janet,

Thank you very much for your website. I find it very instructive and the things you say and show us (I love the videos) really seem to make sense. Unfortunately, there is only a Piklerplaygroup (it is quite similar to RIE, based on the ideas of Gerber’s teacher Emmi Pikler) at 2 hours travel, so I can’t go there with my baby. But your blogs help me a lot. My daughter is 4 months and I try to give her free playtime as much as possible, although she mostly starts making unhappy noises after 5 minutes. I only started this ‘method’ consciously a week ago, so I hope she plays longer once she’s used to it.
I warn my daughter before picking her up. How can I know picking up is what she wants? Of she is crying she doesn’t make eyecontact, and if she does it might only mean she wants me to see her or make contact. I find it hard to ‘read’ my baby. Also, what can I do if she cries when I change or dress her? I ask for her help and hold her if she’s upset, but sometimes this doesn’t calm her and the only thing that helps is getting over with it. I try to stay calm and gentle, obviously, but I still feel like I’m not respecting her feelings enough.

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Rebecca says:

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Hi to all who question what to say to strangers / family. The two things I found helpful was, when my son was younger (until about 1 year old), to warn them that he might cry if they touched him before he showed signs of intense interest in him. Usually no one wants to make a baby cry, and “might” is a possibility, so not even strictly a lie…
Now that he’s about 2, I tell “new” people or acquaintances that he has a “cat personality” with new people, i.e. that he needs to to be the one to initiate contact, and until then is best left to observe them, rather than people rushing up to him. Often this works, and is less confrontative than talking about respect towards children first thing. Then, when they can observe our respectful interaction with him, the conversation is often started in a much easier, open way.

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Melanie says:

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This post makes me feel greatful I wore my son in a sling when he was younger that way he was not so redily available to strangers touches. Now that he is 4 I am working on letting him know he doesn’t have to have any kind of unwanted contact with anyone be it me & dad, grandparents and especially strangers who are drawn to his thick curly hair

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Alexi says:

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I don’t know that people fell more comfortable touching a child the younger they are. I think it is more we have a built in yearning to do so. And the younger the child the stronger the impulse is. It’s evolutionary. Children are designed to make you want to care for them, hold them, protect them. Knowing this I try to be understanding of the impulses strangers have to touch my daughter while also trying to remind them to be respectful of her as she does get stranger anxiety and while she dotes on attention from anyone touch really throws her off.

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mzzterry says:

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My grandson (he is two) says “go away” to anyone he doesn’t want in his face. It is not very kind, but if they can understand what he says it usually throws them off!

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Maria says:

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Lovely article. I hope our world can learn this lesson and extend it to the tiniest of humans – the unborn.

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