What To Do When Toddlers Say NO
Hi Janet,
I am at a bit of a loss as to how to move forward with my son. He is 26 months and has recently started saying ‘no’ to all of my requests, regardless of what they are. My husband and I try very hard to pose our responses positively, avoiding ‘no’ as much as possible. Rather than ‘no throwing food’, we would say ‘please leave your food on your plate’. So, we are not sure where this is coming from. Also it makes things quite difficult. I am hoping you have some advice.
One example is getting into his pj’s for bedtime. This is now taking well over half an hour because he just refuses to put them on. I am trying very hard not to force him and give him as much opportunity to do it himself as possible, but it is making no difference. He is not throwing tantrums though, just quite matter-of-factly saying ‘no’ and then going about his business. I find myself just sitting there at a loss, not knowing what to do.
If you have any advice at all I would really appreciate it.
Thank you again for your wisdom.
Kate
Hi Kate,
This made me smile. Your boy sounds adorable! NO is exactly what he should be saying at this time of his life. It is a POWER word key to his burgeoning autonomy. He’s feeling his independence. Don’t let it rattle you in the least. In fact, welcome his differing opinion and acknowledge it. That’s what he wants. Just don’t give in to it.
So, when he says “No, I don’t want to put my PJs on”, stay calm. “Oh, I hear you. You don’t want to put on your PJs. What would you like to wear to bed?” Or maybe, “Which of these (2) PJs will you wear?” Or, “I hear you don’t want to put on your PJs. Perfectly understandable. But we won’t have time for a book if you can’t get them on in the next 5 minutes.” Or “Would you like to put these on now, or in five minutes?”
The key is to continue to encourage his autonomy and give him options so that he doesn’t feel bossed around. Be effortlessly in charge. Totally unthreatened. Worst case scenario: he sleeps with his regular clothes on. Even then, you could always try, “I want you to be comfortable, so I’m going to help you put these pajamas on now. Or, can you do it yourself?” Then you might say, “We don’t have time for a book now because you didn’t put your PJ’s on in time, but hopefully tomorrow we’ll get to bed a little earlier. I love you very much… Goodnight.”
Saying “Please leave the food on your plate” might work sometimes, but he may need options there, too. Throwing food is a pretty clear signal that he’s not hungry. I don’t believe that it’s punitive to give children the boundary, “While you are eating, I want your food to stay on the plate. Throwing the food means you are done. I’m going to put the food away for later when you’re hungry again.”
Does this make sense? Just keep in mind that NO is a very healthy, positive word for your boy to be experimenting with right now, and a reflection of his secure attachment. You might even play a game with him where you offer him a bunch of choices (toys, clothes, food, whatever), and he gets to keep saying NO. I remember spontaneously beginning a game like this with my toddler daughter when she was in the bath. She was playing with the bath toys, pouring water out of a cup or bottle, I think. And when she hesitated a little before doing whatever it was, I said a big NO in a way that she knew was teasing. Then she kept repeating the action and saying, “Say NO to me” with a big smile on her face. And I did, while acting very serious. She got to experience the powerful feeling of going against my “wishes”. That game became an instant favorite to be repeated at every bath. She couldn’t get enough of it!
Hope this helps…
Cheers!
Janet
Hi Janet,
Thank you so much for the advice. I have been trying to give J choices, and it has made a world of difference. I gave him a choice of pj’s, a choice of two stories, that sort of thing. He has really responded well to having some options. Also it has been a big stress reliever for me. Yesterday morning he wouldn’t get dressed. I gave him a choice of clothes but he still refused. So I calmly said that I heard that he didn’t want to get dressed right now and that I was going to make some breakfast, and when he was ready to get dressed to let me know and I would come and help him. He immediately said he was ready to get dressed and have breakfast. It takes a bit of practice but we are both communicating better.
I try to be calm and respectful, but it is really helpful to have the actual words to say. I did actually say exactly what you wrote. I felt prepared, J felt heard, and we are happier.
Thanks again,
Kate
Kate’s lovely, engaging and enlightening website An Amazing Child celebrates the importance of free, expressive play based learning and is inspired by the educational approaches of Maria Montessori, Rudolf Steiner’s Waldorf Education and the Reggio Emilia Approach. I highly recommend it!
(Photo by Just Taken Pics on Flickr.)
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Our 29 month old is the same way. Just a matter of fact ‘no’. No fuss, just a look that says, ‘I said no, what are you going to do about it?’. It is cute, although it can be frustrating sometimes.
I’ve found that giving choices is sooo much easier than ‘forcing’ a child. Easier on everyone. Sometimes the choice is simply “this needs to be done, and either you do it, or Mommy will do it for you” but even that gives her the choice to either do it herself (which she does like to do), or be ‘taken care of’, which everyone needs now and again.
Holly, your point about children wishing to be ‘taken care of’, even when they are fully capable of doing the task themselves is brilliant and important. Toddlers sometimes say NO to our request to get dressed, etc., because they want attention and intimacy. Giving a child the option of “doing it for you” is the perfect way to honor that need.
It’s amazing how simple it can be to communicate and move forward when you don’t meet a child’s “no” with an equally strong push back of “yes!”. Come to think of it, it’s not just children that this works with – we all want to feel heard and understood. Once we have that, it is much easier to hear someone else’s point of view. Great advice, Janet. As usual.
Gina, thank you! So true that “we all want to feel heard and understood”. That is the key. Sometimes we do have to push back and force an issue. But when it’s possible to give choices, we can sieze the opportunity to provide our children the autonomy they need and allow them to save face.
hi janet,
love love love this post.
so timely – as they often seem to be!
i’ve been reading (and loving) your blog for longer than i should admit considering this is the first time i’ve commented or introduced myself!!
my almost two year old is big on the word “no” at the moment as well… i totally support it for all the reasons you’ve listed here and we’re big on choices at our house, too.
one area i find myself in conflict over, however is his delivery of the word! i consider myself to have a pretty high threshold in this department because i absolutely do respect his right to state his preferences and opinions by saying no.
but in the last week he’s taken to shouting, rather loudly and forcefully, “NO!”.
(a tone and volume level he isn’t the recipient of himself.)
i’ve found myself explaining that when he shouts at me it hurts my feelings and that it’s okay to say no but that i don’t like being shouted at.
i’ve also mentioned that “no thank you” is much nicer to hear.
i’m trying to speak from the “i”, without telling him what to do.
i much prefer modeling over correcting coercing – but i also think it’s okay to state my personal boundaries as the listener.
i’d love to hear your thoughts…
thanks and love,
sara
Hi Sara! Thank you so much for your kind words and especially for introducing yourself!
Great question… Yes, state your acceptable boundaries as a listener, but don’t make it personal. The shouting will stop sooner if you don’t “react” to it. I wouldn’t say “it hurts my feelings”, even if that’s true (and if it is true, try NOT to let normal, healthy toddler testing hurt your feelings!). Here’s why: 1) Pleading with a child or asking in a vulnerable way can create worry and guilt for the child. 2) The child doesn’t sense our leadership, which makes him uneasy. 3) Our emotional reaction compels a child to repeat the behavior. He wants us to handle his tests easily, with confidence, so that he can feel safe and secure.
I recommend a response that is straightforward, unflappable, simple, matter-of-fact, minimal. Something like, “That’s too loud. Please tell me what you want in a softer voice.” Or, “Please say ‘no, thank you’, ” as you suggest, but I would skip the “nicer to hear” part because he knows that already… He’s not trying to be nice, he’s asking for some simple direction…believe it or not! And value judgments or even the briefest lecture can give too much negative attention to the behavior. Sometimes you might even let it go altogether. Or say, “Hmm… you’re shouting again and I can’t understand you when you do that.” If the behavior doesn’t “get to you” it will cease.
Most importantly, stay even keel and unruffled!!!
Thanks for asking! And I really hope you’ll keep commenting now that you’ve “outed” yourself.
Love,
Janet
seriously this is the most refreshing breath of fresh air… thank you!
i totally hear you about not letting toddler stuff hurt feelings! it truly doesn’t hurt my feelings so why was i saying it *was*?!
i could go point-by-point through your email but i’ll be short and sweet: THANK YOU. i agree wholeheartedly with everything you wrote and i appreciate your time and input more than i can even express!
i really needed a new perspective and i can’t tell you how much this helps.
you’ll be seeing more of me ’round here!
xoxo
Yay!!! xo
I thought I was going to want to selflishly add in my two-cents to your post, but you nailed this on da’ head! In fact, I think you said it better than I could have.
Oh, I just thought of something…
Whenever I’m trying to decide if this is a moment where I should keep stern to my rules or allow them to do what they want… I quickly think, “Does this really matter at all? Is this a big deal?”
Also, a benefit that will come of allowing your kid to do their own thing is originality and learning to be more unique.
I feel that most of the reason why silly, weird, creative kids turn into robots as they get older is because people put unnecessary blocks on their “uniqueness valves.”
“He wants to wear his underwear backwards to school today? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!”
“She wants to wear her ballerina tutu to the mall today? Ridiculous!”
In reality, who gives a flying butt? We need more originality in this world before we all turn into the same person. Life would get prettttty boring.
Hey Anthony, thanks for sharing… I always love your exuberance! Yes, I’m also a believer in staying open and flexible and questioning myself as a parent…a lot. I also agree that kids need autonomy whenever possible (especially while they play) so they can explore their tastes and individuality. I’ve also seen parents take this freedom of choice waaaay to far (as I explain in my comment to Jennifer below).
Uh, oh. Anthony, could I be turning into you?
I adore “be effortlessly in charge.” I will use that daily as much as I can
Lovely post.
Loving everything happening on this page. Especially you, Anthony. Why is there no ‘LIKE’ button? I WANNA ‘LIKE’ BUTTON! (Go on, say no… lol)
In addition, I found saying “yes” as much as possible helped. “yes you may have that cookie, with dinner tonight” – “yes you may spit, in the sink”. Etc. With a “no” my toddler would throw a fit. With “yes” he would put the cookie back, or go to the sink, or find something else to do in the meantime. (PS as with all strategies, it doesn’t work every time – but most of the time
i love your reply janet.
and i’m totally in agreement. my only question might be to consider why it is so important for a two year old to get dressed. There are certainly things i feel are important for my two year old to do and work with him on options but wearing clothes isn’t one of them. He has gone to preschool all year in a variety of clothes: diapers is often his choice when he wants to be “a baby” sometimes his sister’s nightgown, sometimes a spaceman suit, sometimes “regular clothes.” Allowing his the freedom to choose his look (as long as his bottom is covered) gives him a real chance to express himself and I don’t feel worried that because he wears a diaper to preschool at two that he’ll want to do that at three or four. I offer this because I have seen parents feel certain things are “right” and “proper” and I can’t relate when we’re talking about a two year old (not that that is what this mom is saying!)
Thanks, Jennifer. I agree with you (and @Anthony) about toddlers being able to choose what to wear when at all possible. Often it doesn’t matter. But there’s a point at which not caring what a child wears is, well, uncaring. I’ve seen little girls show up for preschool in high heels, ball gowns, mini-dresses without underwear, feet pajamas, etc., and I don’t believe those children are feeling their parents’ love or enjoying their individuality while they are tripping, slipping, too cold in just their diaper, hot in their nylon costume, or otherwise unable to play with abandon. Toddlers and preschoolers are impulsive and it’s their job to test our boundaries. It’s up to parents to insist that children wear something comfortable and appropriate. Within those bounds, there are usually a wide enough variety of options to ensure individuality and please the child.
Kate’s question was about her boy saying NO to everything and she used PJs as an example. Do you believe she should just say, “Okay, skip the PJs tonight, even though it gets cold and you usually kick off your covers”? Or, “Fine, just wear your blue jeans.” I don’t believe a child wants or deserves an uncaring response like that.
Great conversation topic!
Janet, thanks for sharing such a thoughtful response to a very common problem with toddlers. As always I appreciate your ability to explain what is happening from the child’s perspective and to provide simple strategies for parents.
Hi Everyone,
I’m Kate. I really appreciate all of your comments and thoughts. I do agree that children need options and freedom and I also think that as adults and caring parents, we owe it to our children to give them boundaries and scope to move within those boundaries.
I am not prepared to give my son free reign, I think this would be neglectful of me if I were. I in no way micro-manage my child but as an adult with life experience I am able to make informed decisions on his behalf and therefore insist that certain things happen. Janet’s very practical advice has really given me the words and the tools to help this happen.
Thanks to Janet’s advice, my son and I are communicating better and our days are more harmonious. He still says no, and I respect his right to do so, however now he seems to feel empowered when I give him options.
Thank you everyone. And thanks Janet
Hi Kate! Well said. Finding the balance you describe (and seem to understand so well) between boundaries and freedom is a struggle for many of us. It helps me to remember Magda Gerber’s words, “For the child, there is no real freedom without boundaries.”
Kate, thanks you so much for asking your questions, trusting me, and allowing me to share our correspondence.