Do Wired Parents Need Time Out…Or Less Guilt?
Sometimes we read things that hit a nerve, and although the truth can set us free, it can also make us feel really uncomfortable. A recent NewYork Times article, “The Risks Of Parenting While Plugged In”, did just that. While I don’t dare own a Smartphone, lately I do spend much of the day glued to the computer, an absorption that often overflows into time that used to be spent with my children. New to the hypnotic pull of the internet, I’m still struggling to find balance.
“The Risks Of Parenting While Plugged In” reports findings from five years of studies of the effects of the parental use of technology on their children. According to Sherry Turkle, director of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Initiative on Technology and Self, “Over and over, kids raised the same three examples of feeling hurt and not wanting to show it when their mom or dad would be on their devices instead of paying attention to them: at meals, during pickup after either school or an extracurricular activity, and during sports events.”
Reactions to the article seem to fall into two camps. One acknowledges a concern and recognizes the obvious downside of our cyber obsession – It is tough to unplug, and more challenging than ever to give our children undivided attention.
The less concerned camp dismisses the study as yet another parental guilt trip – children have always wanted our attention and parents have always been distracted by other things. It’s good for children to know their parents have lives that don’t revolve exclusively around them.
Although I agree with the less concerned point-of-view (and I don’t think parents deserve guilt-trips, ever), I think we’d have to be buried in denial not to notice that we are dealing with something new and vastly different here. This is not mom and dad working in their home office, doing housework, reading a book, chatting on the phone at home, or watching their favorite TV show. This is, in Turkle’s words, “ a device, that from the child’s point of view, can take a parent away from any conversation or activity, at any time, and that always seems to be given precedence.“
I recently saw not one, but two moms walking with their young children along the beach in the hazy summer sunshine. The kids looked out towards the ocean as their mothers held their heads down and away from them, trying to tune out the ocean noise so they could concentrate on their phone calls.
Now, maybe they were CEOs playing hooky to get their kids to the beach, but couldn’t entirely leave work behind. Maybe their professional lives demanded they make calls and check email wherever and whenever. Or maybe they were making social plans or chatting with friends. Regardless, I don’t judge them, but don’t tell me nothing’s changed! Phone conversations, notes, emails, and a parent’s work are not any more important now than they used to be. The difference is that technology now allows us to bring our work and social lives onto the beach, the playground, or to a birthday party. Now, because we can, we allow them to intrude everywhere.
It is true that children have always wanted endless amounts of their parents’ undivided attention and can seem impossible to satiate. The toddler who interrupts your phone call after you’ve spent an hour playing with him never offers, “Oh, that’s right…sorry…you paid a lot of attention to me today already.”
But this study affirms that our children are especially desirous of our attention at certain sensitive times: when we reconnect after a separation, when they are performing or exerting themselves (like on the soccer field) and during meals. When parents text on the car ride home, check email at the soccer game, or are glued to their laptops during social or intimate activities like mealtimes, they aren’t providing the connectivity a child needs.
Physical proximity to a loved one is not enough for any of us. Even our newborn infants know the difference between the distracted parent and one who is really with them. Our spouses, friends and older family members might ask us to turn off our devices. As the study shows, our children probably won’t. Our babies can’t.
But this is not about judgment, guilt or blaming technology. As Turkle writes, “What is important is not to get defensive about our compelling devices. We are not going to throw them away. We are going to put them in their place.”
Honest acknowledgement of this issue can only make our lives better. Since reading the article, I’ve already become more conscious of setting some new boundaries, carving out more sacred time with my kids. The effort it takes me to unplug is making me value the time with my children even more — it feels all the more special.
Modern technology is unquestionably a blessing. And its biggest gift of all is the realization that life’s best moments happen when we can put it away.
This commenter, a grandmother, nails it: “In my own life, I try to think of solutions – but then I hear another email come in. I am so curious that I can hardly resist peeking. But I have found that it takes courage to PUT LIMITS ON MY OWN BEHAVIOR and schedule activities that require leaving the technical devices out of sight and mind. It feels good to be wholly in sync with the person next to me. It feels good to read a book without interruption. It feels good to walk in the park without hearing a “ping” in my pocket.”
(For a personal post about children and attention, please read: The Easily Forgotten Gift)
Please register your e-mail so I can alert you to new posts. Or follow me on Facebook or Twitter.
I LOVE your comments and questions. Please add them here...
5 Responses to “Do Wired Parents Need Time Out…Or Less Guilt?”
Leave a Reply
Email me
Follow me on Twitter!
Join my Facebook Fan Page
RSS Feed
Secrets Of Infant Learning was chosen by voters as the third Most Influential Blog Post in 2011. Thanks for your support!
Great points! I have been using by bberry as a clock since my watch battery died but this is the motivation I need to get that watch fixed so I can leave the phone where it belongs – away in my purse.
I just replied on a discussion in Twittermoms.
I started using the timer method. I have the traditional wind up timer that you can hear making noise. I set it next to the computer and allow 30 minutes of computer time. When the timer goes off, I set it for another 30. Thats the time I use to clean, such as get the dishes from the sink into the dishwasher, fold the clothes—whatever I can get done in 30 minutes, as well as maybe playing with my daughter. I repeat this often, especially on days where I know I am going to need to be on the computer alot. If I don’t set these boundaries, nothing would get done. There is always Facebook, TwitterMoms, CafeMom, Emails, Inbox Dollars, Swagbucks, Bank Accounts, Your Blogs, Others Blogs to check.
I am glad I read this because we as parents need to be reminded about quality time with the kids. I am about to spend a week away from the computer and I think I may enjoy that actually.
http://frugalfreegal.blogspot.com/2010/07/frugal-free-gals-top-20-list-of-things.html
By the way, I just snagged my 11th Amazon Gift Card in two months exactly through Swagbucks! You can read about Swagbucks when you click this link! Thats a couple of Christmas presents taken care of!
I almost always drop what I’m doing on the computer to respond to my child. I hate being interrupted, but I just know deep down in my heart that I have to show him that he is more important than the screen I am staring at. I really try to limit my computer time to when he is asleep or out with his dad. Recently, my friends are texting me more on my cell phone, and I am more inclined to answer them when my son is around, but I do wonder what kind of message that sends him. Thankfully, it’s not a too-frequent occurance.
As you know, I’ve struggled with this. Over the winter holidays I decided I needed to make a big change, and I’ve spent much less time on the computer. It’s been a bit of a blow to my ego — I really enjoy blogging and the positive attention I’ve received from it, but I could see the toll it took on my family.
I recently removed the facebook, twitter, and email from my cell phone, and make a point to only have certain times of the day when I get on the computer (mostly in the evenings and nap times, but I do allow myself some time in the morning if things are going well with the kids).
I can see such a difference in my children’s behavior when I make time to be completely devoted to them. In turn, it makes a big difference in my behavior towards them. It was hard to unplug, but I’m glad I did it — even if it means I get less time to spend on my ego
Suchada, your refreshing honesty makes me love you even more! I am dealing with the exact same struggle on a daily basis. The funny thing is that when I do get away from the computer for several hours, I feel very torn about going back…and find myself postponing it. Sometimes I miss the ignorance I used to have about the online world. But this struggle fascinates me. It’s totally different from anything parents have had to deal with in other generations.