Accepting Grandparents’ Good Intentions (With Humble Apologies To My Father-in-Law)
After meeting motherhood dazed, confused, even panicked, I was greatly relieved to discover a child-rearing philosophy that made perfect sense to me. Captivated and empowered by infant expert Magda Gerber and RIE, I set about following her parenting principles to the letter. My gusto caused some missteps. The one I regret most is offending my father-in-law.
My handsome, fun-loving father-in-law is a successful Broadway producer, was a set designer in the early days of television, and has always been an artist. When his first granddaughter came to visit the family house in Vermont at 20 months old, Grandpa Edgar naturally wanted to connect, and one of the ways he did that was to draw with her. Charming, right?
What Edgar didn’t know was that I had been zealously protecting his granddaughter’s power of discovery for months, suppressing my own urges to show her how to do things that she might later be able to discover on her own. By then, Magda Gerber’s belief that infants should be trusted to be initiators, explorers and self-learners had been confirmed for me by my daughter many times over. I had also been steeped in early childhood educator Bev Bos’ advice to “never draw for a child” and Piaget’s words, “Every time we teach a child something, we keep him from inventing it himself…That which we allow him to discover by himself…will remain with him.”
When my dear friend Stuart dropped by a few months before the Vermont trip and brought my daughter a small box of crayons, I cringed. He was probably a little offended, and certainly taken aback when I begged, “Don’t show her how they work!” But having been a best friend for years, Stuart was well-acquainted with my somewhat obsessive, perfectionist tendencies. He obeyed.
My daughter liked the crayons. She took them out of the box, and struggled until she got them all back in. Many, many times. I may have been the only mom in the world to appreciate such an activity. I thought it was perfect. And I knew the day would come (and it did weeks later) when she discovered the profound truth — crayons make marks! But even then, the marks of color were not as fulfilling to my daughter as getting those stately soldiers to line up again, just right, in the box.
So, well-meaning Grandpa Edgar didn’t have a prayer. I was polite (I think) when I asked him not to draw for his granddaughter, and I tried lamely to explain why, but in retrospect I believe opening my mouth at all was ungracious. After all, it wasn’t the same as if I drew for her — parents are much more influential to a child than anyone else. A demonstration from me might have been perceived as the “right” way to draw, and discouraged her because she wasn’t as able.
As my mother-in-law sagely pointed out, my daughter would just think of drawing as something special that her grandfather does. And it is…and she does. And, she is now an artist in her own right as a photographer. (And she’s still into composition – likes everything lined up, just so.)
So, the moral of this story is: tame your parenting zeal. Embrace tact, even if it means biting your tongue. Leave the grandparents alone. They deserve to develop their own relationships with their grandchildren. If they are not daily caregivers, it doesn’t matter if they have different parenting practices than we do. Most of the time they know better, anyway.
Do you have any grandparent stories? Or are you a grandparent? I’d love to hear from you.
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13 Responses to “Accepting Grandparents’ Good Intentions (With Humble Apologies To My Father-in-Law)”
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My Hubby’s parents were deceased before we married so the MIL role fell to his aunt, a dear woman. Staying in her home with our first born she allowed him to play with an intricate metal neck chain, teething it voraciously. She sensed my discomfort and tried to reassure me that he would not be effeminate from playing with necklaces. I don’t think I said anything, but I was really struggling at being accused of gender identity concern (not) AND I feared he might choke on bits of the chain.
‘Taming my zeal’ would have been the correct advice for me then, too. And yes, I already had my PhD in child development then.
Good advice, Janet.
Wow, Barbara, good self-control on your part. That reminds me of well-meaning friends offering my babies their fingers to suck. My babies would always gratefully accept, and I’d be worried to death about the germs.
I love it when I check Google Reader and you have a post. Always something thoughtful and relevant. I agree with this post very much. My mom took care of my daughter one day this week and it’s true, she does things differently than I do. She’s always trying to teach her things – like saying a word – and she uses toys to distract during diaper changes. But I just look at it as the special way the two of them interact. My mom has read Dear Parent and Your Self-Confident Baby so at least I have that going for me. But she’s going to do things differently than I do and it’s going to be okay.
Thanks! I think you are wise to be so accepting of your mom. Having parents around to help us with child care is such a BLESSING for all concerned.
Great post, Janet! I agree for the most part with what you’re saying, but I think only as long as baby’s grandparents aren’t part of their everyday life and upbringing then it’s okay that they do things a little differently than the parents. When grandparents are part of the extended family sharing a home and maybe the child’s primary caregivers, differing parenting philosophies or ignoring the parents’ wishes can be a problem. In that case you’d have to get baby’s grandparents on board with the parenting style you’ve chosen.
Hi Fran!
Thanks, and I couldn’t agree more. For one thing, it doesn’t help a baby feel secure to have to deal with vastly different styles of care. Any regular caregiver should be on board with the parent’s wishes. Babies adapt, but they shouldn’t have to.
I find it fascinating that young infants discern and adjust to even the subtlest differences in the way they are handled — like the way daddy picks up as compared to mommy, and they prepare their bodies for what they have learned to expect. The intelligence of babies never ceases to amaze me.
I understand being gracious about the different and unique ways that grandparents deal with their grandchildren. My new problem is that the grandparents (my in-laws) that we have a had such a great relationship with, have decided that our latest decision (regarding school) is WRONG. We still have a good relationship, but we are all sort of uncomfortably skirting around this disagreement…
Of course, it is OUR decision to make, as their parents, but truthfully, their input is important, especially to my husband.
I love this! GREAT advice. I used to hate it when my dear mom-in-law would tell me “no more rules when grandma is here!” and follow by giving my 2 1/2 year old daughter a whole bag of M&M’s, thus undermining my “almost no candy” training… really hard to keep smiling! I might have offended her by (rather abrubtly) putting away half of the candy -oh well
Like you said, as long as our children live with us and depend on us for advice, let the grandparents have their bit of fun…!
(Exhale!) Thank you for sharing this Janet. I am walking a little taller. That internal, and external, juggle of what I want for our children and enjoying our time with their dear grandparents is going to be simpler from now on… and much more pleasant… for all of us.
Jek, I am SO glad to hear that.
Maybe it’s a “cultural thing” (I’m Indonesian by birth), but my mum was horrified when I emailed her a picture of her new grand daughter lying on a mat in our yard. My mum called me up the next day and told me off for putting a one month old baby on the grass. Her reason: “It’s dirty, your dog might have done her business there! And why is she wearing trousers not a gown?”. I explained to her why I put her “on the grass”, pointing out that our dog had her own special spot for her “business”. Despite our differences, now I know mum knows best and when she offers her advice (even the “odd” ones), I accept with gratitude, because she has far more experience in this field. The proof is in the pudding with 4 successful grown up children (me being her second child), she must have done something right.
Interesingly this is an area I think I mucked up! I was following some Waldorf advice to create with your child and I started doing little drawings *for* her when she was tiny-tiny. Now (at 17months) I am having to work hard to shift her from wanting me to draw for her when she sees paper and pen. Now, even if she asks me to do a dog, or whatever, I go abstract and try and encourage her to draw too – a far cry from letting her discover crayons for herself and in her time find out they make marks on things – which sounds rather magical (if very, very slow – hahah).
Any thoughts on how to get back to letting her ‘discover’ art after such a RIE faux pas?
Great story, Gauri! Normally I am an absolute stickler for honesty with children, but in this case it sometimes helps to be — not exactly dishonest, but a little coy. When she asks you to draw a dog for her, ask her “What should come first? Oh, the head? How should I draw it…can you show me?” Breaking it down like that for her, asking her to draw each part of the specific dog she’s imagining will help place the “ball in her court” as it were.