Big Bad Mama
I had a conversation with a neighbor today, a mom whom I have not spoken to for more than a few moments in passing for several years. She needed to spill some resentments she’s had towards me. Her point-of-view did not surprise me, but it helped me connect some dots.
Since becoming a mom, many of my weaknesses have been unveiled, but I have also realized some surprising strengths. For most of my life I have been a push-over and a people pleaser. I have never been good at sticking up for myself. But when it comes to my children, I’m a big bad mama bear.
I would die one thousand times for my kids. I would (and did) alienate friends and neighbors because of my parenting ideals. For instance, I did not want my children watching TV and certain movies, sitting at a computer at the age of four, or left unattended with peers on the beach while a dad went surfing. This all seems reasonable in retrospect, but many times it meant separating my kids from the herd, which to other parents was viewed as judgmental of their own parenting.
I am told that other parents were afraid of me, which, even as I say it, is so hard for me to believe. They were afraid of me, a person who has always made herself as humble and non-threatening as possible, a person who would rather be liked, or at least not disliked, than be admired and respected.
When I began taking my baby to RIE parenting classes, I knew I was onto something. My gut told me that I had found exactly the guidance I’d been searching for, even though I was unaware that I had been searching. The fundamental truths I perceived in the RIE philosophy gave me the conviction to go against the grain.
I could no longer tolerate a stranger touching my baby in the supermarket. If friends or family members wanted to hold her, I would not let them near without the sense that my baby was leaning towards the person, or in some other way indicating her consent. I may not have expected others to respect me, but I demanded respect for my baby. As much as I wanted to be liked and accepted, I wouldn’t compromise my child. I was a push-over, but she was a person not to be messed with.
So, though I understand why other parents may have felt judged by me, I wasn’t judging. I was determined and focused. I was learning exciting new theories and applying them to my life with my children each day. I was fully engaged, and I never doubted the process.
I have made lots of mistakes as a parent, as we all do, but I am proud to say that my children are not people pleasers or push-overs. They stick up for their friends and are surprised and dismayed when others don’t do the same. They have a strong will, a sure sense of themselves, and they don’t dim their brightness to please anyone. I hope they stay that way. And I’m grateful to them for showing me the strength and success that I never knew I could have.
“We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
– Marianne Williamson
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16 Responses to “Big Bad Mama”
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this is really well said. People, especially those without kids, but even many with kids, forget that kids are in fact people, from the very moment they are born. I applaud your decisions and this article
Thanks Angela, and RIGHT ON.
Great. Great blog. Encourages me to hold strong in the years ahead.
I remember asking Magda once about my mother’s interactions with Benjamin, feeling she was “manipulating him” both physically and emotionally in ways that were antithetical to RIE principles. Like you, I had embraced the RIE philosophy with a passion! Magda asked, “How long will your mother be visiting?” I replied, “Three weeks.” Assuming (my first mistake) that Magda would say, “Oh, that’s not good, you mustn’t let her ‘walk’ him around the house,” she surprised, and honestly, disappointed me (but, only because I was so invested in hearing the answer I wanted). She said, “Let her do what she wants to do. Don’t worry so much.” Prior to her advice, I alienated many people, including family, with my rigidity. It wasn’t so much what I did, it was how I expressed it. I’ve owned up to that now and apologized, but I know that I couldn’t have done it any differently at the time. It was all so new to me. It made complete and entire sense to me. And, I learned through that experience to “protect” and “stand up” for my child in a way that was never done for me. Like your children, my kids have pretty solid boundaries…for now. Life is certainly subject to change, but their sense of themselves appears to be firmly intact. Thank you for the beautifully expressed articles, Janet. You are a gift.
Thanks Jill! I also remember Magda saying that grandparents should do whatever they want (within reason!) And I also may not have been as sensitive to others as I could have been. Being a new mom was overwhelming, period, and when I was focusing on my baby, I couldn’t look out for everybody else all the time. I love your story. Thank you for sharing it here!
great post, janet! this one really resonated with me
thank you for writing and sharing…
I was often labled as “overprotective” because I wouldn’t offer up my kids freely to people and situations that I wasn’t sure about. I was probably overly cautious at times, but I had to stick to my parenting ideals. I remember feeling a bit defensive and I know that others felt insulted, but looking back I think that was a tiny price to pay. Thank you for encouraging parents to put their children first even if it annoys other people.
I like. I like. I have a lot of battles with Hudson (3) these days. When I don’t stand up for what I believe is best,when I give in and people please him, I feel terrible, like I’ve really let him down. These are good reminders. Thanks, Janet.
Interesting irony how quickly we moms are prepared to selflessly and viciously protect our chidren from the bogey man, but when it comes to protecting them from the pokes, prods, tickles and unsolicited hands of friends, neighbors, relatives and even strangers… Well, we can be pretty gutless to avoid offending. Next time one of my neighbors wants to bring my 5-yr old to a PG-13 movie, this big bad mama is going for the jugular!
Joyce, Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this! I also understand how hard it is to risk offending others and demand respect for our babies and their boundaries. Parents in my classes are always asking me how to politely handle those situations. Sometimes saying “He (the baby) doesn’t like that,” or “He’s sensitive to touch” works. Most people would not want to risk making a baby cry.
Dealing with our children’s exposure to inappropriate movies will have to be a future post. I’ll never get over hearing one of my children scream in terror while running home from a neighbor’s house…Grrrrrrrrr!
As always, a wonderful article Janet.
My early years as a father was replete with criticism for the strict manner in which I raised my son. My son has always been a favored person in the lives of everyone who knew him. As he grew and began his transition into a man, he and I butted heads ourselves without the need of outside opinion. Today however he is incredibly accomplished at a very young age. He is happier with himself than I have ever seen, and that is growning as he excels in his person. And those who once criticised me are now patting me on the back for a job well done.
Our children make their own way eventually. My son made his own choices appropriate for each stage of his life, and until he reached each milestone, I made those choices for him. Today he makes all his own choices, he comes to me now only as a sounding board, someone who he learned to trust and would give him honest judgment, whether it be approving or disapproving.
When our children are young we are responsible “for” them, when they mature we are responsible “to” them. I’m glad to have done my job and applaud every other parent who does theirs. And for those who feel intimidated, perhaps they need to look inward rather than outward for an explanation for their feelings.
Great job Janet!
Ed, you are so full of wisdom, and your experiences are rich! You should be writing a blog!!!!! In the meantime, thank you for contributing your wonderful insights to mine. You are obviously a most excellent dad. I love hearing your stories, and you are so generous to share them. I treasure your comments, and hope you will tell us all more about your interesting life!
Yes, Ed Stagg. Take Janet’s advice to write your own blog! I will be your #1 reader and fan. You are my kind of man, Ed Stagg… I mean, my kind of parent.
- Grace
Huh? Did my mom write this under an assumed name and not tell me?
Good for you for sticking up for what’s right. Just because you’re surrounded by bad parents doesn’t mean you have to be one. If only more people knew that!
(Fortunately, I was a very early speaker, and by 1 1/2, I could shout, “EWW, DON’T TOUCH ME!” at intrusive strangers.)
Hi Maria!
Thanks for the vote of approval! You’re funny. I approve of your mom’s work, and I’m so glad you could stick up for yourself. Some of us have a hard time with that, even as verbal adults!
“I could no longer tolerate a stranger touching my baby in the supermarket. If friends or family members wanted to hold her, I would not let them near without the sense that my baby was leaning towards the person, or in some other way indicating her consent. ”
Would like to hear how to handle this….
I have an increasingly social 6 month old that people everywhere seem to be drawn to…when he was younger and not as animated i could shield him from people and say “oh he hasnt been vaccinated yet…” or “oh he just woke from a nap so he a not necessarily social right now…”….but now that he is laughing and talking with everyone…complete strangers feel like it is their right to hold him…..i never let it happen because i could come up with an excuse…..and after almost passing out after witnessing my mother cave in and hand my baby over to a complete stranger (a hairstylist in a shop where i was get a consult) ….i vowed to never let this happen again….
the problem…?……my little one is now starting to reach out towards people and lean over and people take this as a cue that they are entitled to hold him……it is hard for me to flat out say no because i dont want to alienate people…but i dont feel comfortable inventing little “white lie” excuses….