Don’t Stand Me Up
An infant sits stiffly on the floor, unable to move his legs or extend his arms without losing his balance… A toddler steps off a platform and takes a tumble… Another toddler climbs the bars to the top of a wooden structure, then panics and cries out for his mom, who rushes over to rescue him…
These are children who are less physically self-assured than they might be for one simple reason: their motor skills are not being allowed to develop naturally.
Infant expert Magda Gerber, the founder of RIE, advised parents to trust an infant to do what his body is able to do, and to give the child time to achieve the next physical milestone when he is ready, without adult interference. Unfortunately, this central tenet of the RIE approach to child care runs counter to society’s conventional wisdom. Doctors, friends and neighbors inadvertently make us feel that our child’s motor skills must advance as quickly as possible. They ask if our child is sitting, crawling, standing or walking yet, and we worry that there may be something terribly wrong if the answer is ‘no.’
Parents should relax in the knowledge that each infant’s development is directed by his unique inborn timetable. Infants will always do what they are capable of doing and are naturally wired to advance their physical abilities independently. They never hold back. An infant who is given ample opportunity to move freely on his back will discover ‘tummy time’ on his own. Eventually he learns to roll to his back again. He then progresses to crawling, creeping, sitting, standing, climbing, walking, running and jumping, all without the need for parental prompting, propping or other intrusion. As Magda Gerber said: “Readiness is when they do it.”
There are countless benefits to giving a child ownership over the pace of his gross motor development. For one, he gains self-assurance, because each new skill is initiated and engineered by the child. The child will instinctively work to develop the muscle strength, flexibility and balance needed to achieve the next step. These children advance with a keen awareness of their physical capabilities. Magda Gerber reminded parents, “Earlier does not mean better.” She taught caregivers to appreciate the quality of a child’s movements, rather than rushing the speed of development.
Having observed infants for years, I can usually distinguish a toddler who was allowed to achieve his mobility freely from a child who was not. Magda Gerber was able to perceive these differences even in older children. Several years ago I met a young teacher named Leslie at a RIE conference who shared an account of Magda’s observational abilities during a visit to Leslie’s preschool. Some of the students at the school had been cared for in an infant center associated with RIE. To Leslie’s amazement, Magda was able to identify these children on the playground. Magda said that she recognized the RIE children by their agility and poise. Astounded, Leslie was compelled to attend the conference to learn more.
There is also a practical reason to permit infants to develop their abilities naturally: physical safety. ‘Safety’ is a word that attracts parents’ attention, and a child who develops his motor skills independently is much safer than one who is helped to sit, stand, or walk, held by the hand while going up or down stairs, or placed on a slide or climbing structure. Children will naturally seek balance, but when parents ‘help’, they give a false illusion of physical competence that can literally be dangerous.
My husband Mike encountered this brand of danger ‘head on’ when his friend, Joe, dropped by with his eighteen-month-old son Colin. The two dads talked for a while on our front porch, then Joe went inside to use the bathroom. Mike stood beside Colin, who was walking towards the brick steps leading to the lawn. Having raised three children who would never attempt to walk down steep steps at that stage (but might crawl down, or find some other way), Mike was blindsided by what happened next.
In a flash, Colin made a move to walk down the steps without even a gesture towards Mike’s available hand! He took a header, and when Joe returned a moment later he found his son in tears and sporting a trophy-sized, egg-shaped lump expanding on his forehead. Of course, Mike felt terrible (and his baby-sitting career was finished), but Colin’s parents contributed to this incident by habitually assisting him when he took steps. ‘Helping’ Colin along rather than allowing him to find his balance and his own safe methods of mobility put him in danger, because it gave him an inflated sense of his physical ability.
This false sense of security is learned when adults place children atop ledges, slides, climbing structures, giant boulders, or almost anything, and then help them to get down again. The child may believe he can get down by himself (after all, it was easy enough to get up), or he might reach out, expecting to be helped, and end up falling. The general rule is this: if a child can climb up by himself, he should be relatively safe climbing down again, and the child should be given the opportunity to practice both maneuvers. The adult should stay close and ‘spot,’ but not touch or help the child.
If a child is stuck in a place that he has climbed to himself, the best way to proceed is to talk him through getting unstuck in a soothing voice, or take the smallest possible action to help. (For example: helping a child to un-wedge his leg from between two bars so that he can then climb down.) The child who is allowed to work through the problem as autonomously as possible will learn the most from the experience. Quite often, the child who has had a frustrating and difficult time getting down from the climbing structure in my class will then immediately climb up to attempt it again.
There is joy in observing a child persevering to overcome physical challenges and discovering and mastering new forms of mobility. In my RIE parenting class, seven-month-old Bianca spends much of the time in side-splits and has a flexible, spread-eagle style when maneuvering around the room. Jason lies on his back and does leg-lifts and torso lifts that any Pilates teacher would envy. Audrey crawls agilely down a set of wooden steps head first. Alex walks down a ramp, trips, falls and gets up again. Sophie climbs into a wooden box and struggles to climb back out. She finally gets out by placing her hand on my shoulder as I crouch next to her. Predictably, she climbs back into the box.
These self-initiated learning experiences are infinitely more beneficial to a child’s development than a parent’s efforts to ‘teach.’ After all, if we look to the animal kingdom for models of the physical abilities we most admire — do gazelles, leopards and monkeys need to be taught how to move?
A trusted child “learns to do something on his own, to be interested, to try out, to experiment. He learns to overcome difficulties. He comes to know the joy and satisfaction that is derived from his success, the result of his patience and perseverance.” – Dr. Emmi Pikler, Peaceful Babies – Contented Mothers.
For more about natural gross motor development, please read Set Me Free.
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15 Responses to “Don’t Stand Me Up”
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Dear Janet I have to share this with you. A very good friend emailed me a picture that she took almost 30 years ago when Lusna, her daughter turned one year old. Since I received the picture I notice something was different that I could not identify. Them I realized what it was. There I was with my dad watching Luana who was standing up on a chair, with her mother sitting in a chair nearby. I noticed that what was calling my attention was that my father and I were both leaned forward, ready to jump.
I bring this out because I agree with you that it seems that there is a mistaken belief that the sooner children develop their motor skills the better. I also think that that feeling goes hand in hand with anxiety from the side of parents who see slower motor development as a sign of failure.
As you said, when we give to ourselves the gift of learning RIE, we can trust the child and give them our time and respect to wait for their readiness for as long as they need.
Yes! This is exactly what i have always known in my heart. Leave the children alone to figure it out for themselves. The animal kingdom has many lessons for us, but we ignore.
Question? how do I deal with my husband? he’s a very normal male type and wants to raise our 2 year old in a ‘manly’ way. It’s all about his physical development, and my husband thinks he can advance our son’s cooridnation by teaching him to walk. Like that is possible. It is very frustrating, and I don’t want to argue, if you know what I mean. It makes him happy. What do you think?
Hi Andrea,
My delay in answering your wonderful question is that I’m working on my husband to give the male point of view on this. We’re working on a brief post together that should be ready in a week or two.
You’re instincts are valid and the key here is to look at long term coordination, rather than “the sooner, the better.” After all, your son will spend the rest of his life walking. The benefits, both physically and emotionally of waiting for readiness are huge. So, don’t let your husband open the butterfly wings too early!
Andrea,
My husband Mike’s post is finally up. HERE. I hope this is helpful to you and your husband. Please let me know what you think…and how it’s going…
This is one of the few rules in my class. I explain the reason to new staff the same way you explained it here. When we help children with gross motor skills, they are much more likely to get hurt due to overconfidence in their own skills. I think they are all finally buying into it after watching a little girl spend several days trying to climb up on top of a tunnel outside to sit on it. Another child had been helped with this and within a few days, he did get hurt trying to climb back up. This is probably on the most important things I learned in first preschool teaching position and the one I follow still.
Shelley, I have seen what you describe many, many times and I’m convinced… We send children the wrong message when we “help”. We throw off their natural awareness, balance, sense of self. Either they end up with false confidence or they hear the “you can’t do it” message loud and clear and lose confidence.
What about a child with hypotonia and gross motor delay? My son received PT from about 5 months old. Would it have been better to let him develop on his own? He’s almost 4 now and still getting PT. I feel it helped him but we did do things like hold his hand etc. He is pretty cautious on his own though.
Hi Heather! Hypotonia is certainly not my expertise. If your boy has had a benign case — just some motor skill delays, I’d imagine Magda Gerber would advise non-intervention. It would also depend on the type of PT, how intrusive it might be, etc. But if you feel that the PT has helped your boy, then I’m sure it has! It’s important for infants, toddlers, all children to be able to achieve mastery. So, if I were you I would just be aware of that and allow your little guy to problem-solve and achieve (even it means a bit of struggle) as much as possible. Most of all, don’t worry! Projecting confidence in your boy is the key to him feeling self- confident.
Is there such thing as advancing too quickly? My baby boy is sitting at 6 month and crawling at 7 month. He’s 8 month now and wants to start walking by holding to furniture. I’m afraid by 9 months, he’ll start walking. Would that cause stress on his bones and joints?
The beauty of natural motor development is that you can trust it completely. Your boy’s body knows what it’s doing, muscles are developing in perfect preparation for the next new skill. So, no! Don’t worry, just relax and enjoy!
Even more than parents, what about Bumbos, walkers, activity centers, etc?
Andrea, yes…. I’m not sure what you mean by an “activity center”, but those other restrictive devices interfere with natural development. They restrict natural movement while encouraging our children to spend time in positions they can not manage to attain themselves. They also cost money! Our babies are so much better off without the gadgets and gizmos.
Hi Janet
Have you any experience with kids with low muscle tone? My son is now 11 and half months and was a born at 35 weeks. He needed to have a surgery for craniosynostosis at 8 months. He still does not crawl, stand or sit from a lying position. Recently doctors have said that he has low muscle tone (although mild) and we have started PT with him. Sometimes as parents its difficult to know when to start worry and when not to interfere…
I recall hearing, too, that children who learn to walk by reaching up for adult assistance- later, when walking on their own and perhaps stumbling, will throw their arms up in search for security rather than downwards to protect themselves during a fall.
Interesting, Nicole!