We all want our kids to enjoy thriving friendships, to feel appreciated by supportive peers. But that’s not always case, and it can be heartbreaking to see the hurt, disappointment, and confusion our child feels when — for whatever reason —friends aren’t treating them as they should. How do we support our kids’ to navigate this? How much should we intervene? And what might intervening look like? Janet has an empowering perspective that she hopes will help, and she explains how it might apply in the cases of 4 different families who have recently reached out to her about their kids’ challenging interactions with peers.
Transcript of “Rejection, Exclusion, Teasing — What to Do When Friends Aren’t Kind”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
Today I’m going to be talking about a subject that can be pretty painful for us: when our child has friends that aren’t treating them right. Maybe other children are excluding them, rejecting them, saying unkind things, playing little emotional games with them. Most of us know that we don’t want to intervene too much, it’s not the way to make friendships bloom. Play works best when it belongs to the children. So what can we do? How can we empower our children in these situations? What do they need from us, and how can we help them to be effective with their friends?
I have several notes that I received around this topic, so that’s what made me want to talk about this today. And interestingly, they’re all about daughters and they’re all around five years old. I always find it interesting when I get these waves of notes that are all on one theme. It seems like a sign that I’m supposed to be trying to talk about that, so that’s what I’m going to do today.
Here’s the first note:
Hi, Janet-
Your work has been such a lifeline for me. I found your work when my daughter was three months old and now she’s five-and-a-half.
She has a friend who she plays with at school and in the neighborhood. It’s always been great, but lately there’s been more and more relational aggression from this friend to my child. I know this behavior is common and typical, and I remember the same dynamic amongst me and my cousins as a child. But there were no adults monitoring our play. So while I know we grew out of it, I don’t know what to do. It’s hard when every playdate ends in tears. The other mom chalks it up to only child syndrome, but surely we can do something to help our girls.
It usually goes something like this: The girls are playing, then they differ on what they want to do next. The child will tell my daughter, “If you don’t do X, then I won’t be your friend anymore.” Then she will either refuse to look at or speak to my daughter or ask to go home. Sometimes they’ll be playing something and it will be time to go. My daughter will ask for five more minutes and then exuberantly say, “I get to stay for five more minutes!” At which point the friend will spin on her heels and say, “I don’t want to play anymore” and not acknowledge my child until we’re gone. No goodbye, refuses to hug (which we obviously don’t ever force, but it seems like she feels the power in withholding).
I just don’t know how to handle this, how to help them work it out. I’ve asked the mom if we can agree that the kids must answer each other even if the answer is no, instead of just ignoring, icing out, leaving. But should we as parents address the ultimatums or just identify, “Hmm, sounds like you want to do X, but you want to do Y. What are some ideas that would work for both of you?”
I’m tired and overwhelmed and would really appreciate your perspective.
So here’s the idea that I wanted to talk about today. It’s a lesson that can help us all, and I feel like I’m only just starting to really get it, sadly. I feel like it’s more important now than ever for children today, with the effects of social media and all the comparisons it encourages. The FOMO (“fear of missing out”) that kids feel because they’re inundated with all these comparisons. The lesson that will help arm them through this now and in the future is this: People only have power over us when we give it to them.
Yes, of course there are exceptions. There’s the power a boss has over us or someone we need to do business with or elected leaders, other people in authority, even teachers when we’re kids. But when it comes to most of the people we encounter in life, we get to choose the amount of power we give to them. It’s that thing of we’re speaking in front of an audience and everyone’s applauding, but then there are these few people in the corner that are kind of shaking their heads and they’re not applauding. And we decide to focus on them, we decide to give them all this power in our minds and hearts. It’s misappropriated and it’s not reality. It’s the same as getting all this positive feedback for something, but then you get a few bits of negative feedback that’s not even constructive and you decide to give that your time, your attention. We can’t let our kids do this, especially not with what they’re up against today.
So how can we teach them this? How can we impart the healthiest possible perspective to our kids so they can carry that with them, as a reminder if nothing else, that they own the power that they have. They get to decide who truly deserves and then continues to earn the power that they give them. You’ve heard me talk on this podcast about this idea of the power that we give to children when they have certain behaviors. Some of it we can’t help, we get triggered and we react and therefore we give power to that behavior. Which then encourages it, unfortunately, and that’s the last thing we want.
Our influence is huge, and so to teach the children in these questions, all of them are quite capable of having a conversation with the parent about this idea of who we want to give our power to, that this is a choice. But the even more impactful way that children learn anything is through us, through our modeling and our influence. And so in these situations, where peers are being unkind, the best way we can teach our child not to give power to that behavior in those children is by us not giving it power. By us showing our children that that isn’t an exciting, powerful, terrible thing to be happening. And that doesn’t mean that we don’t respect how they’re feeling about it, but it’s this big challenge that we have to stay one step behind them in this process instead of pulling them ahead a little bit to what we’re feeling about it. I’m going to talk about how that looks with all these notes.
But what stuck out to me in this first one is this part right here where she totally nails it. She says that the friend “will spin on her heels and say, ‘I don’t want to play anymore’ and not acknowledge my child until we’re gone. No goodbye, refuses to hug (which we obviously don’t ever force, but it seems like she feels the power in withholding).” She feels the power in withholding, yes. And in this case, I don’t know how much of this is her child giving this power or if it’s that this parent is worried about this, therefore giving it power. It’s hard not to worry about this, but this parent says this happened with her and her cousins and everybody grew out of it. There were no adults monitoring their play. So she and her cousins grew out of this, but now there are adults monitoring this play. I’m not saying we shouldn’t monitor play. It’s fun to do if we can do it from a place of enjoyment and a lot of trust and interest in what’s going on and how the children are feeling about it, rather than how we’re feeling about it. That’s the challenge that I’m talking about here.
All this stuff is going on. She said “every playdate ends in tears,” so her child is getting upset about it. And that’s very valid. We can help her process that by not getting involved and risking giving more power to that little girl’s behavior. This is the part where it feels like this parent’s getting a little too involved: “I just don’t know how to handle this, how to help them work it out. I’ve asked the mom if we can agree that the kids must answer each other even if the answer is no, instead of just ignoring, icing out, leaving. But should we as parents address the ultimatums or just identify, ‘It sounds like you want to do X, but you want to do Y. What are some ideas that would work for both of you?'”
So that part even sounds very neutral and like it’s not imposing any point of view, but it is giving children the message, I’m not comfortable with this being left open-ended. I want this to be resolved. Or the friend deciding she’s not going to talk anymore. All this silly immature behavior, right? I would recommend stepping way back and just being there to support your child. If she says, “Oh, she did this and that and that,” I would just say, “Yes, I saw that” and “That hurt your feelings,” if it did. But doing all we can to not project and to not make a decision about how they should behave with each other.
The thing about giving power to things is kids get stuck there. They get stuck in that feeling of power and they don’t know how to get out of it. They almost can’t get out of it sometimes. We can help her and we can help that girl by dialing back the power that we’re giving to this. Letting go of it a lot more, just being there for our child, one step behind her, interested in what she’s feeling and what she thinks of the situation. Whether she wants to see this friend again, maybe she doesn’t.
And having this other conversation with her about the power that this girl is trying to have over her, it seems like, by playing these games with her. We can help our child see that for what it is, and then trust her to make the choice to try to learn about that with her and be in it or not. But either way, letting her know that you see this as kind of, maybe you’re not going to use these words, but just immature, silly stuff that she’s getting attention for doing. And that your daughter doesn’t have to be involved in that if she doesn’t want to. Or maybe she does, which is a strong choice for her to make.
I think one of the fears that we have is that another child is going to rob our child of their spirit, but that’s not what happens when we can trust them and stay behind them in this. What happens is they learn a lot about other children and how to relate to them and what they like and what matters and what they’re willing to put up with. They get to choose.
Here’s another one that will help me explain this more or better, I hope:
Dear Janet,
I have two daughters, four and nearly six. We have just moved to a new country, and so also a new neighborhood. My nearly six-year-old is very social and outgoing and friendly. She immediately made many friends with neighbors (there are a lot of kids in our development) and everything had been going well for two-and-a-half months.
However, suddenly two sisters in the neighborhood have started to exclude her. It has gotten worse quickly, as they’re telling other children in the neighborhood not to play with her. They tell her she is not allowed to play in communal play spaces. They will invite her to play with them, only to wait for a chance to run away and leave her all alone. They have encouraged younger kids and their younger siblings to not play with her, and if she comes to play, they will even yell at their younger siblings to go away because she’s there.
I’m struggling with how much to intervene. I want my daughter to be able to handle and manage situations on her own, but I want her to know she’s supported and that I’m there if she needs help. Today she asked me to talk to their mom, so I did. The other parents are very receptive and have even noticed it themselves and had spoken to their children about it once already.
I guess I have two big questions. First, I want more insight as to how much to step in or how much to let my daughter solve this on her own in the moment, while giving her the support she needs at home. As this is often happening within earshot or eyesight of me, I can step in when I notice it and do sometimes, however, I don’t want to rescue her but prefer she can figure out ways to handle it.
Secondly, I’m really struggling with how to act and treat the kids bullying her. I know this may sound terrible, but I really cannot figure this out. I’m naturally a very inclusive and warm person toward children, and I want to keep a good relationship with these kids as they are our neighbors. Also, I do understand that kids do things like this for various reasons. I’ve tried some peace-offering situations where my daughter has invited them over for some fun activity or to play in our house. They will come and have fun in the moment, but soon after, once they’re out playing together, they go back to singling her out and excluding her and telling others not to include her or not to be friends with her anymore.
I want my daughter to know I’m on her side, so I find myself having a hard time being pleasant with these children. I’m inclined to want to acknowledge them but not welcome them anymore for snacks or activities we may be doing in our yard. This mostly stems from me wanting my daughter to know I support her. My younger daughter even told me that this group of children are trying to get her to join the “bad group” as she put it, but that she didn’t want to and is sticking by her sister’s side.
I would appreciate any insights you have on this issue.
This parent, she mentions all the things I’m talking about here with her struggle on how to intervene. “I want my daughter to be able to handle and manage situations on her own, but I want her to know she’s supported and that I’m there if she needs help.” This is a wonderful example of her being sensitive to this idea that this is her daughter’s journey and she wants her daughter to know that she believes in her to handle these situations on her own. That’s believing in our child’s power.
I found it interesting that she said her daughter’s “very social and outgoing and friendly and immediately made many friends with neighbors” and that everything was going well for two-and-a-half months. And then it seems these other children came and were threatened by this and they’re trying to assert their own power to control everybody. Those are the weakest people that are trying to do that. Again, it’s a lot of immature games. And yes, I know these children are only five and six, but it’s really kind of blatantly obvious stuff.
For one thing, I would keep doing what this parent’s doing, letting her daughter be the one to say, “Could you talk to these parents?” Not getting involved unless her daughter asks her for help and then doing just the minimal thing that she asks her, not over-intervening.
And also she noticed this is happening within her earshot or eyesight. So these girls have gotten caught up a little bit into the power that they’re getting, and it’s a shame because it just sort of feeds on itself, as we’ve noticed. Because it does come from insecurity and weakness, it doesn’t come from a happy feeling inside. Those children with a happy feeling inside are very magnanimous and giving, and those aren’t the children doing these things. It sounds like this parent has done everything she could. She even offered these peace-offering situations, but I wouldn’t do that at this point.
As far as her first question, more insight as to how to step in and how much to let her daughter solve this on her own: I would trust her to solve all of this on her own in the moment, with the parent’s support. So just letting her daughter know, I’m here. I wouldn’t go in and talk to the girls, but I don’t think that little girl would ask her to, because kids already sense at this age that that’s not going to help things and this girl sounds very socially adept. I would encourage her to have the friends that she does like over, that are nice to her, that deserve the power that she gives them and the time that she gives them. And let these other girls spin their wheels and do their thing.
Reminding your daughter whenever you can that, I know they’re trying to do all this stuff. You don’t have to give them power. None of this is a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on their weakness. Let me know if you need help. And I would definitely not go out of your way to try to make this work. Because again, like with this other parent’s example of her wanting to make a pact that the kids have to talk to each other and that the girl wouldn’t just ice her daughter out, this also is this subtle way that we give power to something. By wanting it to work out, wanting to mend bridges, wanting everybody to get along, and Maybe there’s something I can do to make this better. I would not encourage the parent to waste her time or energy on that. As she’s seen, it doesn’t work anyway. All of that is just kind of adding to the negative power that these girls are getting out of this.
As this parent says, she doesn’t want to rescue her but prefers her daughter can figure out ways to handle it. Yes, and then if she wants advice, if she needs tips, help her out. But also have that conversation: You don’t have to give power to these girls. You have so much power of your own. Give it to the people that deserve it. Give it to the people that are showing you that they return it. That’s how we empower our children, is by believing in them that way. I love that the little sister stands up for her. I mean, kids see through this stuff, they really do.
I think this parent is totally in the right direction, and I just want to encourage her that she doesn’t have to be nicey-nice with those kids. She can be kind with them, but she definitely doesn’t need to go out of her way to include them in things that she’s doing. I mean, why would you? Because that would be validating behavior that you don’t like. It isn’t what you want in a friend for your daughter. This parent has great instincts. Trust your instincts. Do less and just be on your child’s side here, which this parent already is.
Here’s another one:
Hi, Janet-
Thank you for always being there and always having an answer. My question has little to do with my daughter and admittedly quite a bit to do with me. My oldest daughter, age five, is a carbon copy of younger me. She’s naive, sweet, thoughtful, smart, and kind to absolutely everyone she comes across. She doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.
Obviously I’m thrilled with these attributes and feel so lucky to have such an amazing kid, but I also worry about her falling into traps that I fell into when I was young. I was kind and empathetic and let people walk all over me. It wasn’t until college that I was able to stand up for myself, find my group, and feel comfortable. For years I allowed myself to be bullied, to be told who I was and what I was allowed to do. I was too nice, too sweet, the easy target for cheap jabs and mean girls.
I’ve already seen some of these same things happen to my daughter. Girls saying, “You can’t play with us!” and her accepting it and walking away, telling me she’s sad later. She’s watched friends a year ago choose her younger sister over her as a playmate (she’s three) or neighbors actively leave her out and make a game of not including her. These are just a few examples of many. She seems to accept it. Sometimes she’ll be sad and tell me later.
My mind instantly jumps to what this might mean for her later in life. I don’t want her to be treated as I was, feel badly about herself as I did. We’re working on self-esteem, using our strong voice, and what friendship really looks like. I’ve listened to every podcast and read every article you have about bullying, confidence, friendship, etc., but so much of me wants to teach her what it took me so long to learn: be mean back, stand your ground, get people on your side. These are things you definitely shouldn’t teach a five-year-old.
She’s entering kindergarten next year and I’m terrified her kindness will be identified as weakness and she’ll be taken advantage of. What am I missing?
This parent has such great self-reflective ability, right? That she even says from the beginning, “this admittedly has quite a lot to do with me.” Her antenna is up, right? She’s ready to project into situations and may already be doing that. At the same time, she sees similar things happening to her daughter, and that’s terrifying, right? Things that we suffered around, we don’t want our child to do. But the thing is, we’re raising our children so consciously these days. Parents that are listening to advice, that are reading books, it’s a very different generation of parents than it ever was. And it’s reflected right here in this parent saying that she sees herself and she’s worried and she realizes that a lot of this is about her and her fears.
She asks, “What am I missing?” What I see is that this daughter is owning her power right now. And that’s the hard thing, is that power doesn’t look like we might think it does. The people that are trying to assert power by being mean and excluding, like I was saying before, those are the least powerful people. Those are the weak people. Cruelty is weak, compassion is strong. And this girl making a choice, even with sadness, making a choice to accept what’s going on, that’s actually very strong. I don’t know if this girl is showing that she’s stressed in other ways or anything like that. That would definitely be something to look at. But kindness and empathy is different from letting people walk all over us. And I’m not sure why this parent let people walk all over her. Sometimes that’s just not in our control, and I certainly had a hard time in adolescence as well. But her daughter isn’t necessarily destined to follow the same pattern.
The best way this parent could intervene is not to tell her these things that she realizes she shouldn’t tell her, that she should be mean back and get people on her side. That’s what the weak people do, that’s what the bullies do. No. Instead, owning your power like you do now. You don’t have to give it to these people. There must be other people in her community or from her preschool that she could reach out to to have a playdate with, to nurture those kinds of friendships. This is a great age to do that. And there will be people in her kindergarten that would appreciate her friendship.
That’s what I would do. I would nurture the strengths by letting her know that you believe in her. This is in a way like waving a magic wand when we have all these feelings and worries about it and we’re seeing ourselves. So this is a big reach, I realize, but that’s the direction I would go, maybe just in baby steps. She has choices, she doesn’t have to give these people power. And she’s already making choices to accept, to let it go, walk away. That’s the most powerful position to be in. And then maybe, yes, I would encourage her, not try to coax her to, but just say, “Is there anybody you want to have over? Is there anyone we could make a plan to do something with?”
Staying one step behind her in this journey, with all the confidence in her that you can muster. The confidence that you wish you’d had in yourself or that maybe someone encouraged in you. Because she’s not showing any sign of not having it. Kind and empathetic, again, those are the kind of powerful tools that are what get you to win in life. Maybe it doesn’t feel like it these days, but I really believe in that. She can walk away, but if she wants to choose to navigate with those children, that’s where we have to trust. And that’s so hard, I know, but I think with all of this self-knowledge and self-awareness this parent has, she can definitely do this because she already sees this is about her.
This parent says things like, “I’m terrified her kindness will be identified as weakness in kindergarten.” It sounds like it would be helpful for this parent to work on self-calming. I don’t know who she’s talking to about herself and these residual feelings that she has about how she had suffered. I would try to keep that separate so that you can give your child what she needs, which is belief in her and this reminder, also, that she doesn’t have to give her power to those people. But again, it sounds like she’s already got that message and maybe she could help the parent learn it. And this is where kids can teach us something, they can help us learn. Oh wait, she’s approaching this in a much healthier way.
So again, teaching her about owning her power by this parent, not giving so much power to everything that’s going on with her, and trusting her daughter to navigate, with her support.
Here’s one more:
Hi, Janet-
I have a particular scenario that I would love some guidance on, please. Our daughter is five years old and is an only child. She’s social, happy, caring, and a well-adjusted kid. She has a best friend, girl of the same age, and they’ve been friends for the past few years, attending daycare and now school together. We are family friends, so on the weekends and in holiday periods we often see them a lot, as we all enjoy each other’s company.
My daughter and her friend are very comfortable and familiar with each other and because of that, they often act like siblings, bickering and doing things to annoy each other to try to get a bite. I look after them once a week after school and I find their bickering triggering. When they’re in my care, I often notice my daughter’s behavior more than the other child and end up telling my daughter off. I try to be calm and neutral, but I can’t help but pick up on my daughter’s behavior more. On the odd occasion, I have shouted and have immediately regretted it.
My child is strong-willed and more confident than her friend and says things like, “You’re shy” or “I’m better at X than you,” which feels mean, and I wonder why she says this. When she says these things, she knows she gets a response from her friend and then her friend gets upset and runs to me. I know my daughter senses my annoyance and discomfort, and I’m also aware that because I have one child, I’m not used to having to work through sibling conflict. When we have play dates with other children, we do not have the same behaviors as she’s probably not as comfortable with the other children. And whenever she’s at other people’s houses with friends, etc., I’m told she’s so well behaved.
Any guidance or tips would be greatly appreciated. I suspect it’s a normal kid thing and that it’s me who needs help to accept and learn to support in the right way. Thanks for all you do for us parents helping us navigate our way.
So here the table is turned, right? This parent is focusing on her child being the unkind one in the situation. And I just love how these parents know themselves so well. She says at the end, “I expect it’s a normal thing and it’s me who needs help to accept and learn to support in the right way.” I’m not going to be one to point fingers, but yes, it is almost always about us, right? She says she finds their bickering triggering, but right in the beginning she says that they’re both teasing each other, doing things to annoy each other.
And it’s a really common thing in my classes, it’s always the parents of the child who takes the toy from the other child or pushes or hits, those are the parents that always feel the most uncomfortable. Not the parent of the child who got hit, but the one who’s doing it. It’s so hard, right? Again, this is about power, though. And this can give us a clue into the behavior of some of these other children, not the children of the parents who wrote to me, but the ones that are bothering them. That perhaps the parents of those children are sometimes giving their child’s negative behaviors power. Because again, that is how children can get stuck.
In this case, it does seem like this is a mutual thing and that this parent is struggling with her daughter’s side of it. But if she could know, and I think she does know on some level, that letting go of this and just being there to support both the children, in this case, is the kindest and most helpful thing that she can do. Not trying to fix her daughter’s behavior, but just supporting either one of them when they need support. So when her friend gets upset and runs to her, then that’s when I would say, Oh, what happened? And, Oh, you didn’t like that. And I wouldn’t come in and scold my daughter for this, but really just staying in a supportive role with that child. Oh, she did what? She really did? Oh, you didn’t like that, huh? That doesn’t feel good. Did you tell her?
Whatever we’re getting from that child, we can reflect it back. We want to only make it as big a deal as our child thinks it is, or that child, in this case, the other child. It’s so easy for us to fall in the trap of now we’re taking the ball and running with it. But it’s not our ball. Those children just need us to support them in what they’re doing. And that’s how this parent can take any power she’s giving to this situation out of the picture, allowing it to play out and allowing the children to learn from it.
The role is actually very clear, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy. Because we are going to see things in our child and other children that we don’t like or that we’re afraid of or that we worry about. That’s being a parent. The challenge is to hold onto that trust in them throughout. And to know when we have our own experiences and we feel our own judgments coming in. Those are getting in the way of us being able to see clearly and do what our child needs, which is to see our child in all their imperfections and believe in them in their journey. In this case, this behavior is happening in front of this parent, right? And it’s not happening with other children, apparently, that she hears about, so that’s a big sign there that her daughter’s getting caught up in the power of this behavior with her mother. We have the power to not give power to that.
I really hope some of this helps. And I know these situations can be thorny, these social situations with our children, and it really is hard to trust that they have what it takes. But if your parents don’t trust that you have what it takes, it’s hard to believe in yourself. So I believe in you, and I believe that you can be your child’s supporter and be the one to help them choose to give their power where they want to give it, and then to trust those choices.
I really hope some of this helps. Thank you so much for listening. We can do this.
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