This week Janet consults with the single mother of a 2.5-year-old who’s concerned about how she’s handling her daughter’s behaviors. She describes her toddler as strong-willed, smart, intuitive, loving, sweet, and caring, but when she doesn’t get what she wants, she loses it, throwing things, hitting, and screaming. This parent realizes that her daughter’s behavior is developmentally normal and maybe even necessary, but it upsets her, as the model she was raised with was entirely different. “I grew up under the auspices of spare the rod, spoil the child,” she says. “I don’t want that for my baby. I will not be that kind of mom. She deserves better.” Janet makes several observations as to how this parent is already achieving her goals, and offers advice for framing her toddler’s behaviors in a manner that will make it easier for this mom to calm herself and continue nurturing their relationship in a positive direction.
Transcript of “Struggling with a Strong-Willed Toddler’s Tantrums (A Parent Consultation)”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled.
I’m looking forward to this one, I love the opportunity to engage with a parent and do a consultation here. Today I have the pleasure of speaking with a mom who reached out to me about her toddler daughter, who sounds quite spirited. Her mother describes her as strong-willed, and she’s been having a lot of tantrums and meltdowns, especially when she doesn’t get her way. And this mom is having a really hard time getting out of the house in the morning with her daughter. She feels overwhelmed, she’s unsure as to how to respond, and it just keeps happening.
So I’m going to get into it with her and find out how I can help, hopefully to make this feel more manageable and give this parent more confidence in the way she’s responding.
Thank you so much for joining me today and being willing to do this.
Parent: No problem. Thank you for offering! Quite a shock, and I appreciate it.
Janet Lansbury: It’s my pleasure. It’s actually my favorite thing to do, talk one-on-one with people because I’m always—I don’t know how many of my podcasts you’ve heard—
Parent: A lot!
Janet Lansbury: Thank you! But I’m always trying to imagine a lot about what’s going on. And I feel like I’ve gotten good at doing that, but it’s never the same as actually getting to ask the person questions and get a response and hear more from them.
I would like to start by reading your original note to me about your issues. Is that okay?
Parent: That sounds great.
Janet Lansbury: Great, okay:
Hi, Janet-
I’m struggling and could really use your help. I’m hoping you can provide me with a way to help my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter and myself. We are a one-parent, one-child family. I chose this path to motherhood. She’s amazing: smart, intuitive, curious, strong-willed, silly, loving, sweet, and caring. All of these traits make her an amazing person. It’s my greatest honor to be a part of shaping how she uses these assets.
In a lot of ways, we are similar. Unfortunately for both of us, the strong-willed trait can lead in the wrong direction. I get that she’s a toddler and testing boundaries is developmentally appropriate and necessary, but it’s pretty bad. If she doesn’t get what she wants when she wants it, she loses her [beep]. And I mean that: throwing things, hitting, screaming at the top of her lungs, making it difficult to move her body (typically out of danger’s way). And it doesn’t matter where we are (grocery store, playground, airport, sidewalk), how well-rested she is, the time of day. It just happens. And not for five or 10 minutes. At least once, it was 47 minutes, I timed it.
This happens every single morning when it’s time to get ready for daycare/preschool. Every step is a fight. Taking her PJs off, changing her pull-up, wiping her down, dressing her, brushing her teeth, washing her face, shoes, coat, car seat. Oh, by the way, she loves school. We get out of the car and she walks in like she owns the place, saying “Good morning!” and giving hugs and high fives. It’s so cute, and infuriating!
I give her options in the morning. This shirt or this one? The purple or the green toothbrush? These shoes or these? Doesn’t matter. I need help getting to her before the storm arrives. How do I stop it before it starts?
I’ve been telling myself recently that the tantrums have nothing to do with me and that I just need to make sure she’s in a safe space and let her get it out. But I’m struggling. I’m having a hard time regulating through the bloodcurdling screams (no tears), body-throwing fits. Everyone keeps telling me it’s just that age. Is that really all I have to work with? She has not been diagnosed with any neurodivergence. I’ve talked to her teachers at school, her babysitter, and the occasional auntie, and no one else has this problem with her.
I grew up under the auspices of “spare the rod, spoil the child.” I don’t want that for my baby. I will not be that kind of mom. She deserves better. Help me, please.
I just want to say: that right there is amazing, that you want to shift this cycle that you grew up with. And very brave. And like many of us, you don’t know exactly how to do it. It’s not just this smooth thing that you can flow into. Kudos to you for being willing and committed to doing that.
Parent: Thank you.
Janet Lansbury: Here’s what I wrote back:
I’m so sorry to hear you’re having these issues. I would love to try to help.
Do you have a sense of what might be causing her upsets? Do you think this is purely due to her not getting something specific in the moment? Usually there’s something else going on and the minor disappointments are triggering it. One bit of advice I have is to not give her a lot of choices in these situations when she’s already getting wound up.
Also, could you describe how you’re feeling and responding at these times? Not happily, I’m sure! I’m going to try to help. It will be okay.
And then you wrote back to me, explaining all these stressors that you have going on in your life, that you’re not responding well, you end up frustrated and overwhelmed, that your responses aren’t necessarily consistent.
And then you said:
Some days I explain I know she’s upset as I continue to brush her teeth, put her shoes on, whatever it is. And some days I yell out of frustration, especially when she spits (like I said, not responding well). Other days I make sure she’s physically safe and try to ignore until she stops. Those days she asks for a hug when she’s done.
The day I sent you the original email while I was on the train going to pick her up, she had a 42-minute meltdown when we got home because I wouldn’t turn on a show. And it was a doozy. Instead of engaging, I sat on the couch, put my feet up, and watched YouTube videos on my phone. When she was done, she asked for a hug. Since that one, the storms are shorter. Did I fix something? How do I fix myself to remember to always respond this way?
In general, I’m struggling with motherhood. I’m inherently nurturing and empathetic, plus the firstborn daughter of a single mother in a family of five kids. I thought this would be natural for me. This part is not my daughter’s fault. She’s perfect, even with the storm.
Wow. So you are a single mother, you’re going through a lot of stressful things, you’re trying to shift a cycle that you really didn’t have a model for. And you have my favorite kind of child: strong-willed. Delightful, they’re winners in this world. They’re not going to let anybody mess with them. I think it’s a great thing.
But it’s so interesting, this thing of her only doing this with you, right?
Parent: Yes. Sometimes I feel like she was sent here to destroy me. And then I have friends that are like, baby girl, she was not sent here. You pulled her into this world on purpose. This is a choice. She’s wonderful, but I have no control over her, which I’ve made my peace with. But then I also don’t know how to motivate her to act differently, and I don’t even know if that’s possible at two-and-a-half.
But typically after the storm, after I give her a hug, I’m just like, “You were really angry. What was wrong?” And she really can’t articulate that, but I’ll say to her, “What do we do when we’re mad? We say, ‘I’m mad!’ And then we take deep breaths.” And so this is a mantra I have been repeating multiple times a day for several weeks now, thinking that eventually she will be able to.
I’m hoping I’m helping. I don’t know, I’m making this stuff up as I go along. Which is also very hard, because I don’t know any other way.
Janet Lansbury: And I think that’s a good instinct that you have. What I really want to get to first, though, is what I appreciated. The last thing that you wrote to me about this was: “I will say, one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is teach her how to regulate her emotions while learning to regulate my own.” You’ve taken on an impossible job right there. That really can’t be our job, in my opinion, because it doesn’t work and it’s not up to us to do. So you’ve taken on the job of not only regulating your own emotions, but teaching her how to regulate her emotions. And it’s just too much effort for us, we’re not going to be able to do both. We’re not going to be able to properly regulate our emotions and also feel like we have this responsibility to teach her how to regulate hers.
She will regulate hers mostly based on us being able to regulate ours. Just that modeling and that experience, and then through maturity. And also really through your whole perception of what’s going on in these situations, which is this girl who’s got all this power, and as much as she can put that to the positive and be this wonderful kid that she is, there’s also the other side of that coin that she has to express. Because it’s just the way these kids roll, it’s like the yin-yang of them. They’re putting out all this power and energy, this tiny person that she is, and then she needs to explode with equal force.
That’s why when you did ignore her completely, and I wrote back to you about that part and just offered a tiny adjustment to that, but that’s why that seemed to work. Because you weren’t getting involved in something that was essentially just her needing to explode. You weren’t putting your energy, putting your emotion, putting your wish to make it better and fix it, into that at all. And that allowed her the clear space to be able to just do what she needs to do, which is explode and get it out.
Parent: Yeah, it did. And I read your email where you said next time give her positive feedback, nonverbal, that what she’s doing is okay, but also don’t engage and let her take care of it. And that has worked significantly. They are shorter, but then also there’s more space in between the storms, as I like to call them. And I don’t know how much of that is your expert advice, which is probably most of it, and how much of it is just giving her the space to work through it.
It’s hard. And I’m trying to figure out, Why is it so hard? These are the things she’s supposed to do. Why are you so triggered by this? And I think it’s the idea that this wasn’t something I was able to do as a child. Trying to let her do it because I know it’s important, but also not feel like I’m being a pushover or I’m not doing what I’m supposed to be doing to “raise a good girl.”
Janet Lansbury: Yes, that’s exactly the challenge right there. For you to know that your stuff is your past and that it’s not what you want to do, which you already know, but that has an effect on you. And one of the effects is not just that everything in you is telling you this is not okay, it’s actually the child in you reconnecting with those feelings that you had, the fears that you had when your parents reacted to you with the rod or whatever. You’re getting in touch with that through your daughter.
And that’s what makes it hard for us. It’s not just this knowing part of us that was consciously thinking, parents should be like this and all that. It’s the part of us that felt so vulnerable and scared. That can be so uncomfortable to reconnect with when our child is going there. That’s the triggering part. Not what our parents did, but what we felt.
Parent: So how do I fix that? How do I fix myself so that when she does things that are developmentally appropriate that I don’t have such a difficult time letting her walk her own path?
Janet Lansbury: Well, even this idea of fixing ourselves and your interpretation of what I gave you, which was mostly just spot on, but just that you said “have a positive attitude.” And that’s not what I said. Even that I feel like is too much work. Like, how can you have a positive attitude when your child’s doing that? No one’s going to have a positive attitude! And the more you’re asking so much of yourself, the harder this is going to be.
And that’s why my main note to you was, in regard to what you said about that you had to teach her to regulate her emotions, that you felt that was part of your job or you sensed that was part of your job, this thing of “fixing,” of making things happen that are so out of your control, is going to make it so much more overwhelming. And make you feel so much more powerless and maybe scared in these situations.
So let’s simplify your job. Let’s take it all the way back in regard to your own past. And this is just a lifelong process, it’s not like you’re going to do this and then it’s going to be done. There are people that you can work with that will help with this. I’m not one of them, but there are people that can help you. But it’s really just a process of you remembering that, Oh, okay, here’s me and that hurt. And really being able to connect with that person in you. Ideally not in the moment with your daughter. Accepting that that’s going to happen, but also working on it in your own time. Just saying, Man, that was really awful.
And this doesn’t mean you don’t love your parents or they didn’t love you. Quite the opposite. It just means those were the tools that they used and it really hurts you and it was not acceptable, but it’s the best they could do or whatever. But really being able to connect with that part of you and accept, rather than fix. We can’t fix it. All we can do is let ourselves feel it and own it as our experience that, yes, our child is going to set off.
And then the part about her is for you to, in these moments, find a way. And if that means watching videos on YouTube for now, watch videos on YouTube. Whatever it takes for you to breathe, for you to say, Okay, here’s this little girl in me getting scared and bugged by this. That’s me. And this is my daughter and she’s doing a normal thing. All those things that you know objectively, but that you don’t really feel in the moment. So you’re just getting into that acceptance mode.
And that’s why I said to you that what would work even better was not to have a positive attitude, don’t put that on me! 🙂
Parent: Because that is impossible.
Janet Lansbury: Yes. I mean, you’re just going wild on yourself with what you’re asking of yourself.
What I actually said was, “What I think would work even better for you is to find that place where you can be accepting, rather than ignoring completely.” And like I said, it’s a lifelong thing to find this place in you. But the more you practice with this mindset, the more comfortable that place becomes. Really letting go and letting her have the right to explode over even the smallest, weirdest things. In other words, normalizing this dynamic for yourself. Because this is the kind of girl you got and maybe this was the kind of little girl you were, and that’s why you were so rejected and punished and hurt for being that. So it kind of muted your power that you have. You have all this at your disposal still, but you just bought into, as we all do as kids, the judgments and the badness of it. Believing maybe you needed to be fixed, maybe there was something wrong with you. But there wasn’t.
Parent: There’s nothing wrong with her. Yeah, she’s perfect,
Janet Lansbury: Right. Well, she’s you.
Parent: Yes. We were having a moment together one day, and at the same moment we looked at each other and we rolled our eyes at each other. And she’s two! I was like, Oh my gosh, I am raising myself. This is happening.
I grew up in a culture where your children misbehaving in public was an indication of the parenting. And so one of the storms she had was in a grocery store. Everything was fine until it was time to leave and she wanted some candy bar or something. And of course you can’t have it, because you’re two. And she lost it. So I was like, fine, you just need to get her in the cart so you can get her to the car. And she was using her body to fight me. And I just felt like there were all of these women, probably my aunts and my mom, in this grocery store looking at me, judging. How do you let that girl act like that out in public? You’re not doing your job. I don’t know if that makes sense.
Janet Lansbury: Yes.
Parent: My therapist was like, are you sure you’re not imagining that? And I was like, probably! Maybe I was imagining it, but that was my reality in the moment.
Janet Lansbury: Yes, that’s just the judgment vibe coming down on you, too.
Parent: Yes.
Janet Lansbury: Probably there were maybe two people like that, and there were probably four that had kids that were like, Oh yeah, I’ve been there. But you did the perfect thing. You got her out of there so she didn’t have to make a display of herself that she doesn’t want to make. It’s like, if I flipped out somewhere, you would help me if you cared about me. You’d get me out of there. You wouldn’t yell at me like, “Janet! What the heck are you doing?” You’d be like, “Whoa, what happened here?”
Parent: “Come follow me, follow me.”
Janet Lansbury: Right. “Come on, we’re getting out of here, hun. You’ve lost it.” Ideally it gets to the place where it just brings up your curiosity of like, Oh gosh, I wonder what happened there. And then usually we figure it out at some point like, Oh yeah, she didn’t eat enough or she wasn’t hungry when the food was there. She’s too tired or she’s too stimulated. If this is after her school or her care, then that’s going to be a lot for her. Usually we can figure it out.
But we don’t have to figure it out. All we have to know is that she’s rising to the occasion, she’s firing on all cylinders. She’s going to melt with the person that she feels safest with and adores, and that’s you. You guys have a great connection. That’s clear.
Parent: Yeah, we do. We do. I want to make sure that as I am helping her grow, that I’m doing everything that I’m supposed to be doing so that she can be the person that she is meant to be and not the carbon copy of me. I want her to be herself and I want to make sure that she is being raised and not just growing, that’s something my grandmother used to say. But the only way I know how to do that is the way that it was done to me, and that’s not the way. So I needed your help to find resources for a different way to do it.
Janet Lansbury: Yes. I think honestly, she’s only two-and-a-half. You’ve done it. You’ve done what you wanted to do, in my opinion, reading all of this and engaging with you, you’ve done this. Perfectly? No, nobody does. But you’ve given her something completely different from what you got from the beginning. You’ve already accomplished this. So much of that is already done here. The way that you even rolled your eyes at each other and she feels you’re her person. You probably didn’t feel that about your parents. You wanted them to be and you loved them, but—
Parent: Did I love them? Yes. Did I feel like my mom was my person? I did not. I felt like my grandmother was in a lot of ways. Our relationship was different, it probably had to be. But yeah, my daughter has me and she knows it and I know it. And I’m so ready to go to brunch with her as a 12-year-old and hear about what’s happening with these girls at school or maybe these boys at school. Yeah, it’s going to be a great time.
Janet Lansbury: It’s all going to happen. I mean, honestly, you’ve already done it. You really have.
Parent: Thank you.
Janet Lansbury: So, job well done. Now from here, let’s take care of you. Not put all this pressure on yourself to make all these things happen that are not in your control at all, like when she self-regulates, at what time. And I’m sure there’s times she’s very self-regulated, right?
Parent: Yeah.
Janet Lansbury: Her whole thing about going to school and Hey, everybody! Yeah, here I am! It’s like, the exciting girl came, you’re going to have fun today because this person’s here. But that person needs to vent as soon as they leave the premises or before. It’s going to be all bets off for the rest of the day on those days. And then on your weekends, just try not to plan too much. Get the errands done you need to do or whatever, but you don’t need to plan special activities. She needs to rest.
Parent: And I learned that, I had to go through that. I was like, oh, if I just keep her engaged, brain development, all of the stuff. But what I learned is that having swimming and a playdate on Saturday and then gymnastics and church on Sunday, it was just too much. I’d had our weekends completely timed and structured. It was too much for both of us. And so on the weekends we do gymnastics, that’s all we do, and the rest of the time we just kind of hang out with each other. We might do a playdate, but it’s not as involved.
Janet Lansbury: This is really important because this is an important element of what’s going on with her and something you could do to make your life easier. Because every one of those activities, they all have expectations with each of them. They have frames that a child has to go into, to this frame and that frame with those people and these expectations and these activities, in this particular scenario. It’s so much pressure. We don’t realize that because to us, it might just be fun and stimulating, but that’s so much for her when she’s already going to school and care and doing all of that. Every time she has to get in the car and go somewhere, it’s a little bit of pressure.
Parent: And I should have known that, because we have very similar personalities. We went through about four or five months where we were super-scheduled and no one was happy and it was supposed to be happy. And then one weekend I was like, We are doing nothing this weekend. We’re not going to gymnastics. We’re not going to church. It helped that the weather wasn’t great. And it was a good weekend. And I was like, okay, fine, we need to cut some of these things out because it’s too much. And so I think that helped. I don’t know that I noticed a difference in the storm, but it definitely made a difference for me. So I’m assuming if I’m not as stressed, then she also isn’t. I think we’re working with each other here, I’m assuming.
Janet Lansbury: Yes, you’re working with each other. You’re learning from each other. And even though she’s still going to have the storms because she’s this type of girl and she’s in that childcare. Has she been at it a long time, the same one?
Parent: Relatively. She’s been there since August, which is when she first started going to daycare.
Janet Lansbury: Oh, that’s not very long at all. So this is a huge challenge she’s rising to. It’s hard for us to see it that way sometimes, but to be this A+ girl in that setting, that’s enormous. For a child that’s got a sensitive, intense temperament like this especially, but for any child, it’s a lot. So that right there is a lot. And she’s going to have storms naturally just from that, the letdown from that, the balance for that. And then anything else you add on could bring more. Even if it sounds so fun and wonderful, if it’s something structured even a little bit, that’s going to be maybe positive but also stressful. We could relate, like maybe we gave a speech or did something that was really stressful for us. And we feel really good about it and it was a positive thing, but now we’re stressed out.
Parent: Yeah. The day is over, I’m done. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do today, I’m doing nothing else. And her way of doing that is her storm. That is a really helpful, helpful perspective.
Janet Lansbury: Good. And we’re stressed out before the speech, too. And that’s why you’re having such a hard time in the mornings, because she’s already pumping up for this challenge in her day. That’s why I would still normalize this. But you can cut it off at the pass a little by anticipating that she has a hard time in the mornings, and so therefore don’t be asking her what color toothbrush. If you want to do that the day before, sure. That might work, or she might be too tired then too if it’s the night before. But in the morning, just make those choices for her and kind of close the gaps.
I call it “confident momentum.” So you might give her a moment, “Do you want to wear this or this? Oh, neither one? Okay, you know what? We’re just going to wear this.” And you can do it very lovingly and in an even kind of upbeat way if you’re prepared for it. But if you’re giving her the choice and then she’s kind of wavering and then starting to lose her emotional self-control, now it’s going to be really hard for you to keep the momentum going.
Parent: That’s a really helpful way to look at it. She is preparing for the speech and then she’s having the letdown of the same event, and so she needs time to even out before and after.
Janet Lansbury: And it’s not even really time, you don’t have to stop and wait for her. It’s more this sense that you’re going to be carrying her through the morning. Because you do have an agenda, you’ve got to get out the door. In the afternoon, that’s where you can just sort of let it go. Hold your boundaries and not let her hurt anything or hurt you, but just kind of let it go and let it be the way it is. But in the morning, it’s going to be more of you carrying her when she can’t move forward herself. And even if it looks like she can, knowing that this is really hard for her.
Parent: That is really helpful. It’s a great way to frame it. Because in the morning I’m like, are you kidding me right now? But just make it happen so we can keep this train moving to get out the door. One morning I was like, Would you like some fruit snacks? Do you want some sugar in a bag? Yes? Okay, great, take these fruit snacks and let’s get in the car because we’ve got to go.
Janet Lansbury: Yes, but that’s about the biggest choice you want to give her right then. Because every time you’re waiting for her to make a choice or putting her in that position, it’s like, have you ever been in a time, maybe you just had a baby or you were in a very overwhelmed time, and you just want your friend to tell you what restaurant she’s going to take you to? You don’t want to decide. I can relate to it because as I’ve said on this podcast many times, I wish I had someone just saying, “Okay, put these pants on, Janet. And put this top on, these shoes. Let’s help you get out the door.”
Parent: Yeah, that’s helpful. I’ve definitely been like, just tell me where we’re eating and then we can just go eat there. I don’t need to be a part of this process.
Janet Lansbury: Yes.
Parent: Thank you, Janet. I appreciate that.
Janet Lansbury: But a lot of people confuse my thing of letting the feelings be and just letting her feel rocky about the whole morning and everything with, Oh, now I have to stop and wait 40 minutes to get her in the car. How’s that going to work? And again, that’s the opposite of what helps. They’re waiting for us to help them, and we’re waiting for them to help us.
Parent: We’re putting the pressure on them.
Janet Lansbury: Yes. We’re putting pressure on them by kind of saying, Okay, we’re going to wait until you’re ready. Instead of, You know what? We’re getting out of here. I know it’s hard for you today. Having all of these at the same time is what makes us even stronger: You get to feel like a mess; I’m here to help get you through this mess; I’m not mad at you for feeling like a mess. That can help us if we’re prepared for that. And so you’re going to need energy for that part in the morning. You are going to need a certain kind of energy for that.
Parent: Yeah. I try to prepare myself. I get up before her and get myself together so that by the time it’s time for me to wake her up, I am ready to face the day. I am armed with what I need to get us out the door. Some mornings better than others.
Janet Lansbury: Yes, get that momentum going. That’s good that you feel like that. And just don’t fall into, I’m supposed to help her learn to self-regulate. And then she’s not self-regulating and now we’re feeling bad about ourselves, we’re not doing something right. That’s something that’s going to make it harder for us to have that momentum and that confidence that kids need from us in those times when we’re moving her forward too much. Because that isn’t your job anyway. Your job is to do exactly what you’re doing and not try to help her breathe and all that. I mean, you can offer, Aah, let’s just breathe now, or something, but I wouldn’t put that on your job description that this is something you’re supposed to do. She will learn this naturally by you normalizing for yourself her going through her ups and downs.
Parent: Yeah, she’s a firecracker. And I guess with that firecracker comes fire and I just need to make my peace, be okay with the fact that this is something that she needs to do to make it through the day. This is her release valve.
Janet Lansbury: So you’re not trying to put out the fire. You’re not trying to even lessen the fire in any way.
Parent: That is a completely different spin on what I’ve been seeing from her and how I’ve been trying to manage it. It’s like, no, it’s not yours to manage. You are here to bear witness and to let her go through what she needs to go through.
Janet Lansbury: And take care of yourself. Care for that little girl in you.
Parent: Take care of myself.
Janet Lansbury: Which you can do at the same time, because you don’t even have to bear witness in this active way. Bearing witness could be being on your phone, but it would work better for her to get the message if you could just do the thing I was saying about nodding your head, breathing, letting go of it yourself. Let this fire burn, it’s a safe fire. Because I think even bearing witnesses, I feel a little effort in that. I want you to stop.
Parent: It is hard to be like, your job right now is to do nothing.
Janet Lansbury: Exactly. And take care of yourself. How about that? Your job is to be good to you.
Parent: That’s not nothing.
Janet Lansbury: Or just to let you be you. How about that? Something more passive. Let you be you and calm yourself, knowing that you’re safe and she’s safe. And I’m glad that you have a therapist so you can work with her on the parts that are getting touched off, getting in touch with that little girl not getting what she needed.
Parent: Yeah. I’m a fan of therapy, but I’ve been taking it a lot more seriously since I’ve become a mom. Because I’m like, my job is to make sure that this little girl is not in therapy at 45 years old saying that I didn’t do the right thing for her.
Janet Lansbury: You’ve already done that. That job is done. It’s often a nice thing to go to therapy, I don’t see anything wrong with it. But she’s not going to be saying, “My mom did the wrong thing.”
Parent: It’s such a huge responsibility and blessing. I was 42 when I got pregnant, 43 when I had her. And so the stakes just feel so big. I didn’t realize I was a perfectionist before I had her. I definitely know it now, and it’s not working in my favor because it’s impossible. It’s impossible.
Janet Lansbury: It’s impossible the way you’ve set it up, but honestly, I’ve never talked to anyone more capable than you. You are a good parent. You’re a great parent.
Parent: Thank you, I appreciate that.
Janet Lansbury: And I hope you’ll believe that.
Parent: In six months I’m going to send you another email and I’ll be like, Janet, guess what happened? Actually, in six weeks I’m going to send you an email and I’m going to say, Janet, guess what happened? This little girl did X, Y, Z, and you know what I did? Nothing. I did nothing, and I didn’t even have to think about it. And then finally I was like, wait, you just did nothing. You didn’t second-guess yourself, you didn’t try to fix the problem for her, you didn’t get upset. You just let the world continue to spin on its axis.
Janet Lansbury: Yes. Knowing that she’s doing what she needs to do there and sharing it with the person that she needs to share it with. You can be that person.
Parent: The person that she loves the most. Yeah. Because it always feels that way, like, Oh yeah, of course you love me. You love me.
Janet Lansbury: Yeah, she does. I mean, that’s why she is just not doing that out there in the world. That’s the exact model that you want, that she can go to school and be that rockstar person and then—
Parent: Be safe at home with mommy.
Janet Lansbury: Yes.
Parent: Yeah, a hundred percent. A hundred percent. Thank you. I appreciate that. As a matter of fact, I’m going to go get her now and see what happens this evening, knowing that I’m armed with a process and more information than I had before we had this phone call. Thank you so much, I appreciate it.
Janet Lansbury: It’s my absolute pleasure. Please give her a hug for me. Once she’s calmed down, that is!
Parent: I will. Have a good afternoon.
Janet Lansbury: You too. Thank you so much.
Parent: Bye.
Janet Lansbury: Bye.
