5 Reasons Toddlers Don’t Need ‘Redirection’ (And What To Do Instead)
Redirection is a popular tactic for dealing with a toddler’s undesirable behavior. Its appeal is understandable, because it’s about aiming a child to another activity rather than confronting an issue directly and setting a limit. It helps us dodge the bullet of our child’s resistance, which might include anger, tears or a total meltdown (and we’re all eager to avoid those things, especially in public).
Apparently, redirection often works — at least momentarily — and I can appreciate that it allows mom, dad or caregiver to remain the good guy. I love being the good guy! Instead of saying, “I won’t let you draw on the sofa. Here’s some paper if you want to draw,” it’s easier and less likely to cause friction if I ask enthusiastically, “Can you draw me a silly face on this piece of paper?” So, I may save my sofa in the nick of time, but my child has no idea drawing on it is not okay, and may very well try it again. Well, at least there are no tears — I’m still the good guy! And right there is the first problem I have with redirection…
1) Phoniness. I don’t like acting perky and upbeat when I’m really a little annoyed. Besides making me feel like a big phony, I don’t think it’s good modeling or healthy for my relationship with my children. As uncomfortable as it is to face the music (or markers on the sofa), I believe children deserve (and need) an honest response. No, we shouldn’t react angrily if we can possibly help it, but we don’t have to perform or be inauthentic either. Staying calm, giving a simple correction and a real choice (like, you can draw on paper or find something else to do) is all that’s needed.
Yes, the child may get upset — he has a right to his conflicting opinion and his feelings. It’s good for him to vent and for us to acknowledge, “You really wanted to draw on the sofa and I wouldn’t let you.” Children are capable of experiencing these kinds of safe, age-appropriate conflicts. Which reminds me of my second objection to redirection….
2) Wastes opportunities to learn from conflict. Our children need practice handling safe disagreements with us and with peers. When our infant or toddler is struggling with a peer over a toy and we immediately suggest, “Oh, look at this cool toy over here…,” we rob him of a valuable opportunity to learn how to manage conflicts himself. Directing our child to another identical toy, if there is one, might be helpful if children seem really stuck, but even then the infant or young toddler usually wants the one that has “heat” in another child’s hands. Often the children are far more interested in understanding the struggle than they are in the particular toy. But whatever their focus, young children need time and our confidence in them to learn to resolve conflicts rather than avoiding them.
3) No guidance. What does a child learn when we direct him to draw a silly face rather than just telling him not to draw on the sofa? Infants and toddlers need us to help them understand the house rules, and eventually internalize our expectations and values. Redirection distracts children during a teachable moment instead of helping them benefit from it.
4) Underestimates and discourages attention and awareness. Redirecting a child means asking him to switch gears and forget what has taken place. Is this lack of awareness something to encourage? An article I read recently on the subject (“Understanding Children”) suggests, “Since young children’s attention spans are so short, distraction is often effective.”
Even if I agreed about children having short attention spans, which I don’t (see video), distracting them from what they are engaged in seems a sure fire way to make them even shorter.
On the other hand, children who aren’t used to redirection don’t buy it. They can’t be fooled, coaxed or lured away from marking up the sofa (unfortunately!). Encouraged to be fully present and aware, they need a straight answer, and they deserve one.
An aware child may be less convenient sometimes (when we can’t trick him with sleight of hand, “Oops, the cell phone disappeared, here’s a fun rattle instead!”), but awareness and attentiveness are essential to learning and will serve him well throughout his life.
5) Respect. Redirecting is cajoling, distraction and trickery that underestimates a toddler’s intelligence — his ability to learn and comprehend. Toddlers deserve the same respect we would give an adult, rather than this (from a website about parenting toddlers):
Distract and divert. The best form of toddler discipline is redirection. First, you have to distract them from their original intention and then, quickly divert them toward a safer alternative. Give them something else to do for example, helping with the household chores and soon they will be enjoying themselves rather than investing a lot of emotional energy into the original plan.
How distraction can be construed as ‘discipline’ is beyond me, but more importantly –would you distract an adult in the middle of a disagreement and direct her to mop up the floor? Then why treat a younger person like a fool? I believe that we can trust babies to choose where to invest their emotional energy. Only babies know what they are working on and figuring out.
Here are some alternative responses that not only work, they feel respectful and authentic:
Breathe first… unless there is a marker making contact with our sofa or a fist making contact with our toddler’s buddy’s head, in which case we quickly take hold of the hands and/or markers as gently as possible. But then — we breathe.
Remain calm, kind, empathetic, but firm. In the case of a peer conflict, narrate the situation objectively without assigning blame or guilt. Infant expert Magda Gerber called this ‘sportscasting’. “Jake and John are both trying to hold onto the truck. It’s tough when you both want to use the same thing… You’re really having a hard time…” Allow the struggle, but don’t let the children hurt each other. “I see you’re frustrated, but I won’t let you hit.”
Acknowledge feelings and point of view. When it’s over, acknowledge, “Jake has the truck now. John, you wanted it. You’re upset. When Jake’s done you’ll be able to use it. Maybe there’s something else you’d like to use.”
Be fully available to respond with comfort if the child wants it.
After our response to a behavior like drawing on the sofa, and after we’ve allowed the child to cry, argue, or move on as he chooses, while offering empathy and comfort, we can acknowledge his point of view. “You thought the sofa needed decorating, but I said no.”
Recognize achievement and encourage curiosity. The use of distraction and redirection reflects our natural tendency to want to put an immediate end to a child’s undesirable behavior. And in our haste it’s easy to forget to recognize and encourage positives in the situation – positives like inventiveness, achievement, curiosity. When the situation isn’t an emergency, we can take a moment to acknowledge: “Wow, you reached all the way up to the counter and picked up my sunglasses!”
Then we can allow the child to examine the sunglasses while we hold them. If he tries to take them out of our hands, we might say, “You can look at these and touch them, but I won’t let you take them.” Then, if that turns into a struggle, we might say finally, “You really want to hold these yourself and I can’t let you. I’m going to put them away in the desk.”
Dealing with these situations openly, with patience, empathy and honesty — braving a child’s tears and accepting temporary ‘bad guy’ status — is the path to a loving relationship, trust and respect. This, believe it or not, is real quality time.
So, what do you think about redirection?
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118 Responses to “5 Reasons Toddlers Don’t Need ‘Redirection’ (And What To Do Instead)”
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Good article but I think it is age and situation dependent – I think redirection and even distraction is still best for say a super active 14-18 month old or younger (mine was walking at 10 months and climbing up onto the dining table and running along it by 12 months) – at that age they just don’t have the capacity to really learn and have impulse control etc – and all you are going to do is set up an adversary situation from a young age.
Much better at that younger age to focus on creating a really strong bond and just keeping them safe.
By the time they are two and a half or old depending on the child the technique in the article is a much better option!!
)
Thank you, Belinda. This is interesting because I strongly believe that “creating a really strong bond” happens through a respectful, honest relationship, especially when that respect begins at birth. I think it’s much harder for a parent who has gone down the road of distracting and tricking to suddenly switch gears and start interacting with their child in a person to person manner. If you are able to distract, you are not seeing the whole person in your child. By two years of age, we have already chosen the path of respect or one that veers toward manipulation.
Hi Janet,
Your article provides thought-provoking clarification of the term “redirection”. In my mind, redirection meant stopping the behavior, stating the rule “i.e. we draw on paper, not the couch”, and offering an alternative. I hadn’t thought of pushing my toddler into a different activity without telling her why I wouldn’t let her do what she was doing in the first place. But then, I must be missing what many people meant by “redirection”.
Is offering an alternative a questionable practice? Am I doing too much thinking for my child, when I could be letting her decide on her own what to do next? Just thinking aloud here.
Also, regarding peer disputes–in the example where Jake gets the truck and John doesn’t, do you think it is ever wise to intervene in the dispute? For example, if John was playing with the truck and Jake snatched it away, would you let that be? What if it was a pattern between those children that always seemed to play out the same way? I have been interfering in my toddler’s disputes if it seems like the aggressor is winning, to state a “we don’t snatch toys away, wait your turn” rule, but I’m open to rethinking this if you can convince me that letting them sort it out, regardless of who wins, is better.
Thanks!
Mary
Mary, your instincts sound wonderful to me. Yes, your version of “redirection” is one that I advise. For many, the term seems to be synonymous with “distraction”.
In regard to offering an alternative, I think that’s a subtle judgment call. If it’s about where to draw, I definitely would offer that solution. If it’s about what activity to do instead of a forbidden one, I would probably leave that up to the child to decide. (I admit I’m a stickler for child initiated play as much as possible.)
Regarding the peer disputes, your judgment sounds good to me (again), especially if it is a pattern of behavior.
Hi Janet I like your article but im not sure what are you suppose to do with a one year old who keeps pulling plugs out of walls and turning switches off tv, stereo etc. We say a firm no and explain how dangerous it is but she just goes back and I find myself doing distraction as I move her away from the tv, plug etc and move her to a different area with her toys etc so she stays away from the tv she knows not to do it as shell turn and watch us with a grin prior to touching it or when we say no. thanks
Hi Rebecca! I don’t believe it’s fair to have these kinds of options available to your young toddler. That is one of the reasons I strongly believe in creating safe play spaces for babies and toddlers. She needs a place to learn and explore freely without hearing NO or being distracted when she does normal, healthy toddler things. I realize that some believe that an enclosed play space is “jail”. This is an adult perception. Children see enclosed places as freedom, especially when they are established early on. Children deserve to feel free and accepted rather than bothersome to their parents and not have their natural curiosity arrested. It is also not surprising that she is drawn to the plugs and TV when she gets a stern reaction… That kind of negative attention compels young children…probably because it is unsettling to receive such a response…
My 12 month old son has been interested in the sockets and cables that I have been unable to remove from his area since he could crawl (about 2 months now). I tell him “I won’t let you touch sockets/plugs/cables, can you find something else to do?” And, “You’re having trouble leaving the cables, do you need me to move you?” The first 3 times I had to move him, which of course led to tears. Now though, he still will try and touch them, but he moves on as soon as I tell him I won’t let him. If he didn’t stop, again, I would move him. Thing is, I followed though every time, so now he knows the limit.
(Not all RIE principles are working for us – nappy changing is still a struggle even though since birth I’ve been honest, talked about what I’m doing, and asked for cooperation – but he still cries and squirms).
I just want to say – don’t give up, be firm, and follow though every time.
I would make the effort to child proof. My entire living room and half my first floor is open to him exploring as I have set up gates, outlet covers, socket covers, handle covers, cabinet latches…. try not to set him up for failure. They even make outlet covers designed to be used while things are plugged in. Reducing the frequency of HAVING to say ‘no’ really helps. I purposefully left things in the area to say ‘no’ about that wouldn’t hurt him, that way there are still teaching opportunities. I am a very attached, peaceful parent. This is what has worked for me and my very headstrong two year old boy (who happens to be tall as a 4 year old and has a crazy reach haha)
I’m not sure I agree. I think mirroring is the best way to allow a child to feel understood and before they can express their emotions you are really putting your own words in their mouths.
Now that my son is almost 3 1/2, he is just starting to clearly express his own feelings and they aren’t always the words I would have chosen. The other day he was throwing a fit me not having a certain toy he wanted when we were out and I asked him why he was so upset. He responded that he was “so worried about where my car is” – I might have said sad or frustrated. Instead I mirrored back that he was so worried and I was sorry and we would have his car when we got home. Because of this I’m not sure talking to them repeatedly or extensively about their feelings is great at the toddler stage.
However, I do agree that redirection should not be a replacement for boundaries. I never forgo the rules for enticement. If we are leaving the park and they are having fits I say “I know you don’t want to leave but it’s time for bath [or bed or lunch, whatever]. Do you want some cheerios for the ride home?”
Carinn, I totally agree with you about not naming emotions unless we feel absolutely certain. That is why I usually use words like ‘upset’, or ask a question, “Did that surprise you?” rather than stating “that scared you.”
Hi, I just found your website and I cannot stop reading posts! I love this post! It has always bothered me watching parents frantically “dangle” something different in front of their child (and calmly call it “redirection”). It just makes the parent look insecure in their ability to give their child instruction. The child sees the insecurity just as much as I do!
This is a different type of “distraction”, but this drives me crazy too: We have a 15 month old son. When a certain grandparent offers to keep our son, she tries to get him interested in something and then she tells us to sneak out. No! I don’t want him to think that if he is actively engaged in an activity his parents will disappear! It’s ok to be sad if we leave. We will be back! The funny thing is, he rarely cries when I leave him with someone else. We give hugs and kisses and say “bye”. He waves and plays and is excited when I return.
Thanks for this post. Sometimes parenting magazines tell you differently so this gives me confidence.
You’re welcome, Kelli! And I totally agree about “sneaking out”. That is the perfect way to undermine trust and discourage involvement in play.
I love your articles Janet, but I disagree with this one a bit. While I agree with letting children work out their own struggles (with more or less guidence depending on need!) especially with other childen, I disagree that it is disrespectful if child is drawing on the sofa and I say “I do not like you drawing there, but you can draw here.” and I would classify that as redirection.
Redirection is just saying “this is not acceptable, but this is” and I don’t think that is phoney.
Hi Krystal! If you take a look at the other comments here, you’ll see that we’ve discussed that very idea…and your point is well taken. I totally agree that your example is healthy and not “redirection” as I perceive it in this post.
I wish I’d read this earlier, I used redirection and then found there’s an age where it doesn’t work anymore!
It’s never to late to change your approach!
I agree with the above posters about my definition of redirection did not neccessarily fit what was defined above. In fact I think Mary Linton described it best above and that is what we’ve been taught in my ECE classes.
I do find myself using distraction more when we’re out in public because it is harder to control the environment and I can’t help but feel my parenting is being judged by others. For example, the doctor’s office waiting room there is a giant sign that is right in front of the TV and so all the kids sit near there and of course want to touch and explore the sign. I often distract with activities that are appropriate in that environment, such as taking a drink from the water fountain, sitting at the little table with chairs and coloring, reading, or giving them a toy. I guess I need to be better about setting limits. It’s sometimes tough and takes more effort. I have to remember step one: breathe.
Thanks!
This is an interesting post, because – as previously discussed in the comments – there is a very fine line between redirection/distraction and offering alternative ways to deal with firm limits. I don’t think I use redirection as an alternative to setting limits. The limits are set, the toddler gets upset, and we acknowldge it… but offering an alternative (like in your example with offering paper) doesn’t seem like a terrible idea. One of my toddlers is very determined, and gets very upset when she doesn’t get what she wants. I try to always acknowledge her emotions (although as Carinn notes, sometimes I wonder if she’s sad, or angry, or something else, since right now, without any words, many of her feelings are expressed with a tantrum). I say “I see that you are so upset because you can’t have the toy your brother is playing with. It’s ok to be upset. You have a lot of other toys to play with – would you like to play one of these instead, until he’s done?” I guess I’m not sure how much of that is redirection and how much is just trying to help them deal with their emotions, and see some alternatives.
Or with the example of mom or dad leaving, when the toddler gets upset, I’m not sure if it’s a bad idea to ackowledge those feelings, then try to help them move on. (“I see that you are upset that Mom just left. You would like her to stay here with you. It’s ok to be upset. She’ll be back later. But I would love to play with you – would you like to play a game together?”)
I love this technique for my almost two year old I’m honest about if I’m upset if he does something dangerous and he knows it. However I cannot stop him from playing with electrical outlets. Any suggestions? I used to try redirection, then time outs, then raising my voice ( I’m very frustrated at times and say ” mommy doesn’t want to see you get hurt” and nothing is sinking in. He takes plugs out, plugs things in, takes the covers off. It’s been daily for about a year I’m so frustrated. I know consistency is key but I’m stuck here. I love your articles and would appreciate any feedback.
Sara, At that point I would look at switching plate covers or putting furniture in front of the it, if possible. The environment probably needs to be changed. Good luck! Rachel
I truly am starting (after about 3 years) of being parent about how emotions are NOT bad. I have my days and sometimes I feel like running away, but I always come back to the understanding that the little people, asleep right now, are brilliant. For me, they know exactly what I need to learn and they are my teachers every day. Sometimes I am exhausted and caught up in a clock to notice. However, I am waking up to the fact, I feel I can connect with them at a deeper level and this post made it even more clear!
I am a mother of four and grandmother of three. None of this child-rearing should be so complicated. Children haven’t changed; parenting has.
If you say what you mean and mean what you say, they will know you expect them to listen. If they are fooling with the outlets, you have not been strong enough in your admonition.
I cared for an 5-year old autistic child who when I was interviewing, climbed on a table over and over and over again with the mother calmly telling this child “no” but to no avail. When he was with me, I only had to tell him twice because he knew I meant business by the tone and look he received.
Act like a leader and use a strong voice of authority. If they still do not listen rap them on the leg and believe me the sting will do them more good than harm. And you can stop being run around by the nose by a toddler.
If you do not set the ground rules when they are toddlers, you are going to produce whining brats as they get older – a scene that is way too common in the grocery store these days.
Nip it in the bud and let them know who is boss: You are but you have to be believable.
Your example of markers on the couch is a perfect example of correctly done redirection! You explain that markers are not used on couches, THEN you redirected to positive behavior. That is the perfect execution of the very technique you are criticizing. Just because some do not implement redirection correctly does not mean it is ineffective, weak or a parenting cop out. Indeed, it is a very effective teaching tool for both teaching about the wrong behavior but also teaching emotion regulation through the redirect.
One point is wrong here: toddler do NOT understand explanations. Sure they understand our disagreement, sure we have to state a firm “no, we don’t paint on a sofa, you can paint on this paper”. This is a distraction, the divertion of attention to something else, that is acceptable, accompanied with physical intervention if needed. Just stating “don’t draw on a sofa” without offering an acceptable option means leaving the toddler in a kind of vacuum where she has to look herself for something else, perhaps only to end up with unacceptable again. “–would you distract an adult in the middle of a disagreement and direct her to mop up the floor? Then why treat a younger person like a fool?” Are you proposing to treat babies like adults??? Babies, toddler and children have another concsciency than adults have. With explanations you cannot achieve anything with small children. Children are not small stupid adults… you treat then with respect. But the respect has to involve respecting the age appropriate dealing with children. Bianca, early years teacher
Bianca, I think you’ve misunderstood this post. I agree with you that we should offer an acceptable choice and I don’t consider that a distraction — that is honesty: “don’t paint on a sofa, you can paint on this paper”. That is exactly what I am recommending.
Great article, though I do agree with others here that it feels like what your are really advocating against is not “redirection”, but distraction, as a tactic. My understanding of redirecting children is not to distract them from their original intention with something unrelated, but to redirect that intention toward a more appropriate outlet or application. In your example of drawing on the couch, the goal would be to acknowledge the child’s desire to create, then provide a more appropriate canvass for their creation (paper). To me, what you describe as redirection is just poor execution of the concept! Also, with regard to the honesty of addressing one’s own frustration about drawing on the couch, it feels premature to characterize this as a conflict, with opportunity for learning, without having offered alternatives as a first step. As you mention, I think offering REAL choices instead of fabricated distractions is the fundamental concept.