In The Toilet
Today, while many prepare for the most glamorous event of the year (the Oscars), I’ve got my head in the toilet. The advice I’m reading on the web about potty training makes me want to scream! Potty training in 3 days? One day? Tips and tricks? People, have a little respect. Potty training is not something we do to a child, or ask the child to do to please us. Children are human beings, not puppies to manipulate with treats and rewards! Using the toilet is something a child wants to do when he is ready, for himself. It is a natural process that is best led completely by the child with our support.
Yes, I understand parents wondering, worrying and feeling impatient about successful toilet training, even though it is something every healthy normal child eventually achieves. But we can create resistance, distrust, even shame when we coax a child to the potty one moment before he’s ready.
One problem is the word ‘training,’ which gives us the impression that we must be proactive in a process that is best advised to happen naturally. When children are ready, they train themselves. If we are patient and create the atmosphere of acceptance our child needs to initiate his transition from diapers to toilet, he will master the skill easily, and gain the feeling of autonomy he deserves.
Readiness is the key. Children must be ready physically (have bladder and bowel capacity and muscle control), cognitively (be fully aware of what they are supposed to do), and they must be ready emotionally to let go of a situation they are used to and comfortable with (urinating and releasing feces into a diaper whenever they feel like it.)
Parents lay the groundwork for the child’s readiness when, beginning at birth, we make diaper changes an enjoyable, cooperative time together, and respect the baby by slowing down and talking him through each part of the process.
When the child begins to show signs of toilet readiness (he lets you know he has urinated, wants the wet diaper removed immediately, and then begins to tell you before he urinates), it might be time to have a small potty on hand. Then, every person who cares for the child are advised to be on board to refrain from asking the child to use the potty, or nudging in any way. Some children are extremely sensitive to being pushed in this area, and reactions can be as extreme as holding feces in for days, or having to put a diaper on and hide to be able to have bowel movement for years after having been supposedly ‘trained’.
I have seen cases where children began a pattern of resistance when the parent coaxed them to use the potty, and the relationship of resistance continued in other areas into adulthood. Parents must tread carefully when dealing with toilet issues.
It is safest to relax, remain patient and allow the child to tell us every time he wants to go to the toilet on his own. The process of self-training can take weeks, even months. Disruptions in the child’s life (a new sibling, traveling) can cause him to regress, even after we thought him fully trained. In those cases it’s best to “go with the flow” (so to speak) and keep diapers or pull-ups available well after training seems finished.
Trusting our child pays off for everyone. The child takes pride in his newfound autonomy, and his self-confidence grows. By being trusted to ‘let go’ when he is ready, he can ‘hold on’ to intrinsic motivation. After all, if we have to control our bodily functions to please our parents, what can we ever own?
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This post totally nails it: I remember the thing that terrified me the most about being a 2′s and 3′s teacher was the realization that I’d have to TEACH toddlers how to use the toilet! How was I supposed to teach something that is so automatic that I don’t even think about it?!
But as I got into the year, I realized that just as you can’t teach someone to walk, you can’t teach them to use the toilet…the motivation and the skills all come from within. As you say, you simply make the space available and trust that they will do it when they are ready. It seems too simple to be true, and truthfully, waiting and trusting can be *harder* than coaxing or actively trying to “train” your child…but once you really grasp this idea, it makes the whole process so much more relaxed…for both adult and child.
I’ve been wondering since I started reading about RIE what the attitude is towards taking the Elimination Communication route where the child is essentially potty trained as an infant. I’ve known 2 mothers who use this so I know that it’s physically possible. Do you have any experience with parents using this in conjunction with the RIE principles? It seems like it would be a good match as one of the keys to the success of EC is observation of your child for cues.
Hi Annika,
I don’t know anyone that uses the Elimination Communication method in accordance with RIE principles, because I don’t believe it would be possible. For one, RIE encourages extended periods of uninterrupted play, and for the infant to have the beginnings of some autonomy. If a baby is being rushed to the toilet when the parent believes they will urinate, the baby is going to be ‘unnecessarily’ interrupted quite a bit. And even if the parent ‘gets it right’ most of the time, the parent is taking control of something that the child can and should be in control of when he is ready.
I admit that I know little about the Elimination Communication method, but I can’t imagine that rushing an infant to the toilet creates the calm, peaceful atmosphere, and sense of security that Magda Gerber recommends. And what happens when the child is left in another’s care? Or does this require the parent’s 24-hour close presence? Annika, if you can illuminate, please do!
The one benefit I do see is that taking a infant to the toilet requires a parent’s sensitive observation, as you said. So, a parent who was not aware of an approach, like RIE, that promotes tuning in to a baby’s communication of needs would be strongly motivated to do so.
Hi, I just wanted to clarify a few things about elimination communication here. I’ve done it very successfully with my son, now two, and for a year and a half I was a volunteer for an EC awareness group.
First and foremost, elimination communication is about communication. The baby communicates the need to relieve him or herself, and the caregiver communicates when the child is in an appropriate place to go. I only rushed to the bathroom with my son when HE seemed urgent about it. And this was most often in the newborn stage. (I actually recommend having a potty bowl or flat diaper available nearby so no rushing is needed at all.). The EC approach with older babies, if they are engrossed in playing, is to bring a potty to them, just slip it under them and let them be. I did this many times with my son and it never seemed to interrupt his play.
EC also does not have to be done full-time. It does not require the parent’s 24-hour close presence. It’s actually a fairly flexible practice. Doing it in any amount will help a baby retain elimination awareness and develop sphincter control. It also allows the child to be in control of their potty learning, but since they are already familiar with pottying, then graduating to “potty-learned” is totally natural to them.
With my son, I found that diapers were actually holding him back. Just before his second birthday, I stopped putting diapers on him (except at night), and he graduated very quickly. He already had the awareness and sphincter control, was already familiar with using the potty, and without the diaper he now had motivation. I left it up to him to use the potty, and he did. I could tell that using the potty on his own and not wearing a diaper gave him so much confidence in himself.
I can’t praise elimination communication enough. Imagine the bonding you would miss with your baby if you never fed them…I feel that’s what parents are missing when they never potty them. You can bond during diaper changes but it’s not the same. EC is a highly respectful practice in which the goal should not be early potty training but rather deepening the bond, the trust, and the level of communication you have with your child.
Hi Lisa,
Thanks for your thorough explanation of elimination communication. I’m glad to hear that you found it possible to do without interrupting your baby. And if it makes you feel closer to your baby…wonderful! Anything that helps parents enjoy communication and bonding with babies sounds good to me!
Hi Janet-
Wanted to share what we do, and my experience with EC. We have been offering potty opportunities since Ellie was brand new – 2 weeks or so. My understanding is that children are born with the awareness that they need to eliminate (like the awareness of the need to eat). When we offer opportunities to eliminate into a receptacle like a bowl or little potty, we honor that aspect of children’s physical development. When she indicates that she needs to go, or at regular intervals, the child is offered an opportunity and held over the sink, toilet or little potty. Once she can sit independently, then I invite her to sit. And if nothing happens, she gets off the potty by herself.
So I would like to suggest that it’s not just a way to connect with our children, it actually helps honor their capacity to maintain awareness of their systems. Also, the research about children being incapable of learning to use the toilet until older toddler-hood appears to have been sponsored by Pampers! As diapers become more and more sophisticated, children come to ignore this natural awareness. In fact, in many places in the world children are able to learn how to eliminate in specific locations from very young ages. Eliana, at 8 months, absolutely indicates that she is uncomfortable when wet or soiled immediately after going. So by offering opportunities to go, she maintains her natural awareness.
I think that children have so much difficulty with learning how to use the toilet partly because they need to relearn something that they were born with a natural capacity to do.
By the way, I don’t even try to “catch” every time, and sometimes miss cues – I just offer at specific times throughout the day (first thing in the morning, before and after bath), and when I change her. Also, when she stops her play to do her “business”, I ask if she needs to go and pay attention to her response. So it is definitely in line with the RIE philosophy, to tune in to baby’s needs, to honor their capabilities. Also, I think she is able to play with more focus when her body is clean and therefore more comfortable.
When I offer her the potty, it is without demand or recrimination, much like when I offer her food. Are you hungry? Do you need to go potty? Etc. No need for bribes or frustration. It’s just part of our life.
Hope that brings some new perspective to the discussion. Interested in your thoughts.
Alexandra
Alexandra, thanks so much for your thoughtful explanation. You have definitely given me a new perspective on Elimination Communication. It sounds like you follow the method with the utmost respect for your daughter’s needs. I still have some mixed feelings about the EC approach, and to help me sort them out I’ve begun a discussion in the community section. http://janetlansbury.com/community/topic.php?id=23
Thank you for this article, Janet. My daughter is 33 months old and still wears diapers. It was hard to stand up (and listen) to my parents, who were pressuring me into “training” her since she was 18 months old.
Last year I took training at Sophia’s Hearth Family Center in Keene, New Haprshire for early childhood teachers. This training combines waldorf philosophy with the teachings of Emmi Pikler (Magda Gerber’s mentor). We talked about the importance of self-initiation when children are learning to walk and how the same applies for potty training. So I decided to patiently wait for my daughter’s self-initiation. Last week, one afternoon, when I was breastfeeding her little sister and she was running around only in her diaper, she suddenly ran over to her little potty, took her diaper off, sat down, did number two, took the potty to the bathroom, emptied it into the toilet and flushed! She did all that by herself without a blink, like it was the most natural thing for her to do! She learned what to do just by observation and when she was ready, she knew exactly what to do.
Thank you again for your lovely and encouraging articles!
Thank you so much for sharing this story!
What should I do if I have begun nudging her? Can this be undone? Now I feel really bad b/c I know she needed to poop this evening but I really wanted her to go on the potty instead of a diaper. She ended up going to bed w/o pooping
. When she wears underwear, she pees on the potty 99 times out of 100. When she wears a pull-up, she pees on the potty 15 times out of 100. I thought by telling her she could only wear a diaper when sleeping that I was helping her along but maybe I’m not. Please help!
Mary,
First, don’t feel bad! Second, yes, it can be easily undone. Let go of your agenda. Give her back the control. Tell her that things will be different and that you’re sorry you were rushing her. Tell her you want her to use her pull-ups or diapers for as long as she needs them. Say something like, “I know you will tell us when you want to go on the potty. Peeing and pooping in your diapers is fine with us.” And then really mean it. That may be the hardest part, letting go and changing your attitude to one of acceptance, but it will take the pressure off for both of you! Go easy on yourself. Model patience. You will likely look back on this later as very positive ‘bump’ in your relationship — the beginning of a new level of mutual trust.
Please, keep me posted!
Hi Janet!
I found you by accident a few days ago while googling something about toddler milestones and i have been hooked on your blog ever since! My little girl is 33months and we are on our way to potty training. I have been trying to open her world to the idea of it by reading her a couple of books about it, every now and then, and just talking openly about it with her…….occassionally i will ask her if she wants to use the potty and sometimes she says yes and just sits on it and other times she says no and that is perfectly fine too. My plan is just to continue and let her lead the way!
The only time I have felt confident about doing it this way was when i read your article this evening! My heart is smiling and my confidence as a mother is growing!!!
Thank You!
Hi Lauren,
That makes me really happy! What you are doing sounds perfect. You have wonderful instincts.
Thank you for this post. I am having difficulty with my son & bm’s in the toilet. He seems to prefer to just go in his pants & some days I’m so stressed out by it I just want to cry. I’ve been looking for a new approach & I think I may have to bite the bullet & just go get some pullups for his bm’s. I’m tired of cleaning up the messy underwear & I’m hoping if I can relax he can relax & maybe I can figure out the cues & then talk to him about it. I’ve been wanting to just take it easy but my husband puts pressure on me because he thinks he should be completely “trained” by now. It’s not fun trying to “force” him to go because it’s not working & maybe if I let up he will want to go. Thanks again for this info…I’m hoping it will help.
Hi Shannon,
It sounds like your boy is definitely demonstrating resistance to toilet training. I understand your stress — toddlers are challenging enough as it is! I’m sure you will all feel better if you and your husband let go of any agenda and give your son the pull-ups or diapers he needs to be comfortable. Let him know, honestly, that you will trust him to tell you when he is ready, and you want him to feel free to have a bm in his diaper. Encourage it. He needs reassurance that he is not disappointing you in any way. Trust that this will be something he does for himself when he’s ready.
To put it in perspective for your husband, look around, do you see adults or older children wearing diapers? And yet, we know many children and adults lacking in self-confidence.
Please keep me posted! Take care…
Hi Janet,
Tonight as my treat to myself I’m sitting down to read and re-read your wonderful blog! I am a childminder in Ireland and I currently serve on the board of Childminding Ireland. I think that RIE is wonderful, practical and down to earth and it has a lot to offer educarers like myself who work in their own home.
I am particularly interested in this post because of issues I am having with my daughter. I waited and allowed her to lead the way with the toilet process. No.2 remained something she didn’t want to do in the toilet but eventually she started to tell me when this was coming too and she seemed to be home and dry (literally). In the past couple of weeks she has regressed with the no.2′s. I can only think that it reflects a concern for her with the fact that I have had a baby girl start in my service. This would be the first child to start with my full time since the birth of her brother 15 months ago. Should I do as you suggest and return to pull ups? I have gently suggested this but she doesn’t like the idea as she sees them now as a night time thing. Thanks again for the wonderful blog, keep up the great work,
Hi Deirdre,
Thank you so much for your kind words about the blog!
I appreciate your thoughtful approach to the incredibly important job of “childminding”. I’m glad RIE appeals to your instincts. (And, I married into a lot of Irish blood, so I’m thrilled to connect with an Irish mum!) ‘Childminding’ is not a term we use in the US, but I like it because it connotes involving the ‘mind’…so important to begin a mind connection with babies!
I think your instincts about your daughter are spot on, and I encourage you to allow her to regress as much as she needs to. Puzzling that she wouldn’t take you up on your suggestion to return to pull-ups. Does she have a plan for herself? I would tell her that you want her to be as comfortable as possible, and that you think using pull-ups again is a fine idea. Tell her that you want her to let you know when she is ready to use the toilet again…there’s no hurry. I’m sure you are right that her regression is due to the new baby in your care. She may just want to feel ‘babied’ as well for awhile. That reaction is very common and normal…good to indulge it.
I took a quick glimpse at your wonderful post about outdoor play! I’m going back to check our your blog this weekend, when I have more time… Thanks again for your wonderful support!
Thank you so much for your advice Janet, and for your compliment on my blog. I am going to try that with my little woman today, and I’m going to make the best of these few days before the new baby is full time with me to give my babies a little time! Her mum has been building her up to full time for the last few weeks, at my request she has come three mornings a week for the last week or two so that my guys get some time where it’s just us in between.
A ‘childminder’ is a special type of childcare service which is run by a single handed person working in their own home with a small group of pre-schoolers (less than 5)
Hi Dierdre,
I actually just heard about childminders yesterday at a luncheon with Sir Richard Bowlby. He is the son of John Bowlby, the founder of Attachment Theory, and will be our keynote speaker at the 21st annual RIE Conference tomorrow! (Yes, busy week and weekend around here!)
Bowlby shared his concerns about infants and toddlers going into group care without being carefully transitioned, and the importance of a child forming a secure attachment with the minder — the “secondary attachment” figure. He described the process he recommends, and I will share it here when I get time to collect my thoughts! I am sure it is similar to what you are doing already.
I am so glad to have connected with you!
I am also a childminder in England and look after 3 children under 5 (at different times) as well as my own two (4 and 1). I have formed strong attachments to the children I mind and find that to be very important. I feel this is the overwhelming advantage of childminders over nurseries.
Hi Janet,
My daughter is 33 months. We started to potty train her a few months ago and while she loved her panties, she didn’t seem ready. We started again recently because she asked to wear her panties again. What seems to be happening is that she holds in her pee all morning until nap time and then goes in her pull up. After nap time she holds it until bedtime when she in her night diaper. So she has excellent control and no interest in sitting on the potty.
Today she had to go and after a fight did end up going on the potty. My husband and I called from work to tell her proud we were of her and when I got home from work I gave her a small reward. Before bedtime we saw that she needed to go, but again, she wouldn’t sit on the potty. She ended up holding it until we put her night diaper on.
I’d love your advice here. Is she just not emotionally ready? Her preschool requires that she be potty trained when she starts which is in September (just after she turns 3).
thanks,
Robin
Hi Robin,
First, I want to set your mind at ease, because a lot could change between now and September. It sounds like she is not emotionally ready to use the potty regularly, and more pushing (or even rewarding) will make her more resistant. My advice is to totally back off, to tell your daughter that you want her to be comfortable, and encourage her to stay in pull-ups for as long as she needs them.
I know it is hard to trust that she will lead the process when she is ready, but allowing toilet training to be your daughter’s independent accomplishment will be a wonderful boost to her self-confidence.
Thanks for sharing your question! Please keep me posted.
Hi again. So unbelievably the day after I wrote to you she started to make on the potty consistently. We’ve had 1 accident in 3 days and she’s gone 4-6 times each day. She doesn’t want to poop on the potty and so we allow her to go in her diaper. It’s pretty amazing and does seem as though something inside her just clicked.
Any thoughts on how to move from pooping in a diaper to pooping in a potty?
Hi Robin,
Sounds good! I have the same advice for having a BM in the potty. I’m sure she is aware she has that option. Let her show you when she’s ready. Don’t coax her at all. You are right about the “click”. It’s the same as when she learned to walk, crawl, stand and say words. Readiness to use the toilet is a stage in her development, not something you need to teach her. The sooner you let go and trust, the sooner she is likely to do it. Serious problems can arise when we push these things. Please let me know how it goes (so to speak!)
Hi Janet,
I recently found your blog and love it. I was surprised by your use of “normal” when describing a typically developing child. For those of us with loved ones with disabilities, choosing to use the term “typical” instead of “normal” (while an incredibly small detail to most), can make us feel included and respcted for what we’re able to accomplish.
I’m 52 and just learned something. Thanks so much, Pamela, and especially for your gracious delivery.
Hi Pamela,
Thank you so much for this information. I am sorry I used a term that made you feel less included or respected! I stand corrected and am truly grateful for your feedback.
My 16 month old daughter goes everywhere with me including the toilet. She recwntly started pointing to her nappy and the toilet so I sat her on it and she did a wee! She still wears her cloth nappy but when I or one of the other children go to the toilet she has an opportunity to ask to go too. She doesn’t seem to like the potty though. Maybe because she doesn’t see anyone else using it and she does like to do what I do. Thanks for this post. It is refreshing to read something different from the ‘children should’ advice.
Hi! We started “training” our 33 month old son about 4 months ago. He started out like gangbusters but then began to resist very strongly after two months. After cleaning up more messes than is humanly reasonable, back to diapers we went.
I was feeling very frustrated until I came across this entry in your blog. It rang true, and so I sat down with my son and did the whole apology thing… told him I was sorry to have pushed him, and that we loved him either way, and trusted that he’d use the toilet when he was ready. His response blew me away: “Thank you, Mommy. I love you.” He even went off on his own to use the toilet.
However, that was two months ago, and I can probably count on one hand the number of times he’s used the toilet since. I was careful to totally eliminate any pressure, and I know he has the skills – he used them for two months.
My level of frustration is starting to build again. So what’s going on? Am I subconsciously pressuring him? Can I nudge him, or ask if he wants to use diapers or underwear? Thank you for any perspective you can provide.
Hi Jodie! I completely understand how frustrating this must be and I laud the apology to your son and your overall patience. But since he may have sensed an “agenda” from you about potty learning in the past, you might want to try extra hard to completely let go of the situation.
Keep in mind the 3 areas of readiness: physical, cognitive, emotional. It sounds like he definitely has the first two, but the third is often the last to arrive and the most sensitive, especially if he has perceived even the slightest pressure from you. Some children are extra sensitive in this area. You may be subconsciously pressuring him, or he might just feel your “building frustration.” Once you’ve decided that you really really REALLY don’t care anymore when he goes on the potty, you have complete faith in him and it makes no difference to you whether he does it once a week, once a month or once a year, he’ll do it. Toddlers have wonderful radar, so it’s vitally important that you truly believe what you say to him.
For more, check out this conversation about toilet learning on A Moment 2 Think and please join us! http://amoment2think.wordpress.com/2011/01/21/power-to-the-potty/
Thanks, Janet, for your support. I’ve kept your advice in mind and it seems to be helping.
I’ve had two big realizations: first, that my son is one of those extremely sensitive kids, who internalizes everything. So I apologized again, this time for making him feel bad (got another “thank you!” response).
And I also realized that I needed to re-start our cloth diaper service. I was hanging onto the feeling that this was a temporary setback, and this probably showed. I am now prepared to wait many months for him to be ready. Fortunately, his preschool (starting in Sept) is marvelous, and allows diapers!
Finally, I wanted to let you know that this whole episode and your blog have really piqued my interest in RIE. I just got “Dear Parent” from the library, and found it fascinating. If only I’d found you 3 years ago!
Hi Jodie,
I’m so touched by your update… Might be that I have one boy (after having two girls) and my boy is very sensitive, too. He doesn’t have even the tiniest mean bone in his body and he’s 9. I really think it’s great that you backed off and trusted your boy. He’ll make you proud. I can promise you that! And I’m very glad to have piqued your interest in the RIE approach.:)
Just an update, for anyone like me who reads comments and wonders what happened…
After 5 months of patiently waiting, I was thrilled one morning when my son – on his own – decided not to wear diapers and start using the potty. He has hardly looked back since, and now uses the potty or toilet at home with nearly 100% success.
It’s been a few weeks of this, and the other day I caught myself wondering when/how I should start “helping” him wear underwear and use the toilet on outings. And then – miracle of miracles – I stopped myself! If he could do the transition at home by himself, he’ll know when he’s ready to make the change on outings.
This whole thing been a transformative experience in my parenting. It’s given me a new realization: if I trust and respect my son, he will get there, with confidence on his part and much less stress on mine.
These ideas will be a big part of how I parent in the coming years.
Awesome! Jodie, thank you for the update…it means a lot to me that you took the time to share this.
Janet, thank you for this beautifully worded post. I am a parenting coach and am asked potty learning questions almost daily! I also wrote a mini-book about it because it’s such a common topic. I have found that the topic of when to potty “train” is a very hot subject and have even been practically backed into a corner by some very angry moms! I believe we all have to do for our kids what works best for us. There are many roads to the same destination. However, my personal opinion (and we’re all entitled to them!) is in agreement with yours. Potty learning is a very individual and personal milestone and parents imposing their pleasure or displeasure only complicates matters in the child’s mind. If we stay out of it, for the most part, kids will have a much easier time and it’s so much more respectful to the child! …and it’s one less stress for parents to carry around! Woo hoo!
Bette, thank you! My sentiments exactly (especially about the “one less stress for parents! Woo hoo!”) Thanks so much for your corroboration. You sound like a great coach!
Hi Janet, it has been weeks since I started reading your wonderful site and it really helps me understand concepts in parenting and hopefully apply them correctly. My son is turning 2 this September. He is a first born so i have no experience how to toilet train. Like what other mothers experience, my son always says no. I usually ask him (when I observe that he is doing no.2 in his nappy) “Would you like to do it in your potty?”. Then, he’ll say “No”. So I dont force it. I dont know if asking him is the right thing to do at this stage. He is familiar with his potty and sits on it like its his toy. I know I have to wait until he is ready. But I get confused on his signs that he is ready. thank you very much.
Hi! I’m glad the site is helping.
Since your boy is very aware by now that the potty is an option, I advise not saying anything more about it. The mere fact that you are asking him, can be perceived as pressure. Imagine there’s something you don’t feel quite ready to do and your spouse keeps asking you every day if you want to do it. You’d probably be a little annoyed and it wouldn’t be confidence-building.
Your son is still on the young side to use the potty. Just be patient and trusting. The clear sign that he is ready will come when he says “potty”, goes to it, or otherwise indicates that he’s interested in trying. Then you can respond (very lightly and gently), “Are you wanting to try the potty?”
So, there’s no need to worry or feel confused. Just let him show you…
Ahhhh, I needed to read this again! I have been determined to let my kids ‘train’ themselves no matter how long it takes. I go through periods of questioning myself though, and since my oldest was four in July, I’ve been thinking about it again. But after googling “toilet train older child” and reading people’s advice there, I was quickly reminded about why I am waiting on him. I was getting so frustrated at the parents who were all about their agenda and ‘THE’ way to do it that I had to stop reading and close all the tabs in my browser. Ha.
Anyway, they’ve (the two and a half year old as well) been recently speaking up suddenly with “I’m doing a wee!”, to which I usually respond, “Thank you for telling me! Let me know when you want to do it in the toilet.”
The younger one occasionally will ask to do a wee on the toilet, or when dry will want to when asked, but the older one never has. Today he has wanted to wear underwear, and after three accidents (which I don’t fuss over, just clean up), actually caught himself beforehand and ran to the toilet. He was very proud of himself. Now I just have to remember to keep this in his hands instead of forcing him if he’s not completely ready. I’m trying not to be too worried about poos so that I won’t make him worry (I dread the clean up if he’s in undies though!). But I’ve made it clear that he doesn’t have to do it in the toilet if he doesn’t want to. I’m happy to have him back in a diaper.
Anyway… thanks for the post. I really appreciate some sanity in all the craziness that is toilet ‘training’ (I told someone who asked that our toilet is trained, it’s just the kids who don’t know to use it
.
Hi Janet,
I was thrilled to discover your blog yesterday as it’s been helping tremendously with my 13 month son. But then I came to this post and I am somewhat disappointed.
You see, all around the world children are potty trained by 6-12 months. In our country, the age used to be 12-18 months and is now 36-38 months on avg (and rising). When Terry Brazleton (pediatrician) published his findings from a week-long study on a handful of kids that we should wait for readiness (he’s the one another commenter on this post mentioned…he worked for Pampers and might still), he was *reacting* to a lot of coercive methods of toilet training that had been getting out of hand and damaging our children. Yes, those methods should have been halted (anal suppositories?).
However, now the pendulum has swung to the other extreme. A child at 30+ months has missed the window and the parents (and children) are now in trouble. It is to the point where waiting TOO long is the psychologically damaging thing, not doing it too early (my graduate work is in psychology).
If, like some of your articles say, we are forcing our children to take antibiotics because it is a non-negotiable, then why is teaching our children to break their diaper addiction at a healthy age (ranging from 12-30 months) a ‘no-no?’ What is the difference, truly? Who is in charge? Should I take it as the toddler is in charge of this? But we trained them into using diapers in the first place and then put the onus on them to stop? Sounds weird to me.
As you may have guessed, we do EC with our son and are pretty much done with the basics. We are now handing off the baton as he learns to sit on his own. He yells “pee” when he needs to go and we help him not go in his underwear. It does not intrude upon play time and in fact he’s learning to hold it longer and longer so he can play away. He is super-self-confident for his age.
I’ve also recently met a potty trainer in Rhode Island who is phenomenal at getting kids age 20-30 months potty trained in a week, without coercion.
In fact, the methods she and I both teach are very much in line with what I’ve read from you so far in your toddler articles, taking charge, the saying no and meaning it philosophies, having the no fear attitude, the CEO tone, setting healthy boundaries, etc. Pooping in your pants is a non-negotiable in our house. We’ve never forced our son to not do it. He chooses not to, to ask us for help, because he doesn’t like it (and his instincts for disliking it are still intact from his birth).
So if a parent discovers that wearing your toilet is just a recent 60-year trend, not actually healthy or normal, and, no, son or daughter, you won’t be doing that, then that becomes a non-negotiable, yeah? And we use that matter-of-fact attitude and voice about it. “I won’t let you sit in your waste. I know you will tell us when you want to go on the potty. Peeing and pooping in your pants is not okay with us.”
We train babies to go against their instincts for not soiling themselves and we train them into diapers. So why do *they* get to tell us when they are ready to be done? We did it to them and it’s our responsibility to undo it. It’s like encouraging someone to smoke and then telling them to quit whenever they are ready to.
You can tell I have some passion about this (pardon me!), but let’s just look at facts for a second, and really feel into our hearts if it *feels* right to have a baby in diapers at 4 years old. Woops, I mean a little person, not a baby.
I really think the research behind why the dictum “wait for signs of readiness” was ever instilled into our modern belief system should be examined thoroughly before advising parents to do so.
With all due respect and I look forward to exploring more of your blog!
Andrea
Andrea, thank you for sharing your views and your passion. Sorry to disappoint you, but my years of experience working with children (and parenting 3 of my own) lead me to respectfully, but strongly disagree with your point-of-view. I have seldom seen a child dislike soiling his diaper unless he has a rash (or has been taught that there is something wrong with doing so). From my observations, the dislike of soiling oneself is not innate, but can be instilled by parents (who are, obviously, extremely influential).
As much as I appreciate the communication aspect of EC, this is unquestionably an adult-led process that the child responds to and eventually adapts to. If EC works for the parents, wonderful! And I do believe that it can be done respectfully. But EC is adult-centered, not child-centered until the child is able to choose to take himself to the toilet. Then, and only then do we know for sure what the child wants. Up until that point we are guessing at the child’s wishes. And with EC we teach him early on that there is something wrong with soiling himself. As you say, “Peeing and pooping in your pants is not okay with us.” The infant receives this message loudly and clearly from our actions. Hopefully, he will not be left in the care of someone who can’t help him to the potty. I have seen EC babies in public situations become extremely anxious when they feel themselves urinating or defecating after having been taught to believe that this is not okay.
(Please take a moment to read the Berry Brazelton link. He is quite supportive of the EC method as long it works for the parent.)
Perhaps you are unaware of the many toddlers who hold in their bowel movements for days and even weeks at a time because they have been urged (or even just coaxed) to toilet train to please their parents. Ask any pediatrician (like mine, Dr. Jay Gordon). The child feels manipulated and puts on the brakes. I have seen children as old as 6 holding in bowel movements, only able to “go” if given a diaper, and this doesn’t breed self-confidence. I suppose you would argue that this is because the parents didn’t practice EC. But I believe it is dangerous for parents to attempt to control and force the processes of eating and using the toilet.
Yes, there are a lot of things we can “get” babies to do, as the trainer in Rhode Island does. But when we “get” children to do things, it is almost always at the expense of a respectful and trusting parent/child relationship…not worth the trade-off, in my opinion. Toilet training isn’t a “boundary” we establish, like “no hitting”. It’s a stage of development — like learning to walk — and children are quite capable of doing it independently.
The most important gift we can give children is belief in them — trust in their natural development. Toilet learning comes naturally when parents are sensitive, lay the foundation, and stay out of a child’s way. We are the ones who unwittingly make it an “issue” because of our impatience. All children will use toilets eventually, but many will grow up with psychological issues that they struggle with for a lifetime. It’s not worth the gamble.