The S Word (Share!)
It is chanted on every playground and enforced at the park, parties and play dates. It is a word that has become the social mantra for parents of toddlers everywhere: Share!
We are all desperate for our children to share. Sharing is vital. The future of the world depends upon our children’s spirit of generosity. We fear that if we don’t remind our child to share, he might become a selfish, stingy outcast. Or, we worry that we will be judged an indulgent, inconsiderate and ill-mannered parent.
The truth is that toddlers do not yet understand the concept of sharing, and our parental concerns make ‘share’ a loaded word. Parents are conditioned to misuse it. They say “share”, but what they really mean is, “Give what you have to another child.”
Why would a child want to ‘share’ his red truck when it means giving up the truck to someone else?
Toddlers want what they see, and that object becomes ‘theirs.’ ‘Mine’ can mean either: I see it, I want it, or I’m using it. The idea of ownership — the concept that dad or mom bought an item at the store so now it belongs to them — is not understood by a toddler.
It is common in RIE Parent/Infant Classes for children to want the same toy. The giving and taking of toys often begins as a social gesture, an infant’s early attempt to make contact with another infant. The children may appear to be struggling with a toy, but with a bit of patience and objective observation, we usually see that there is little stress and lots of curiosity. If a child reacts to the exchange with surprise or disappointment, infant expert Magda Gerber advises caregivers to ‘broadcast,’ rather than interfere. ‘Broadcast’ means to acknowledge the interactions of the children in a matter-of-fact way, never implying blame. Children often calm down when they feel that an adult understands. We might say, for example: “Rex, you were holding the car, and now Sophie has it.” Or, “You and Sophie both want that toy.”
There are no villains or victims in Toddlerland, just children learning and experimenting with social behaviors.
When infants and toddlers have opportunities for uninterrupted socialization, they will try out different options. Should they let go and allow the other child to take the ball away? What happens if they hold on tightly? If they do ‘share’ or offer something to another child, how does that child react? As Magda Gerber reminded us in her book Your Self-Confident Baby, “Self-learned lessons, whether sharing or the will to hold on, stick with us longer.”
Children will often demonstrate that the interaction with another child is the issue, not the toy itself. This is evident when there are multiples of a certain object available, yet the children are only interested in the one that has ‘heat.’ Soon after the struggle is over, the toy is usually dropped, becomes ‘cold,’ and no one wants it anymore. Children are best left to work these situations out by themselves while the adults insure that there is no hitting or hurting.
Several years ago I experienced the futility of adult interference in a toddler power struggle when I brought my daughter to her friend’s house to play. The girls both wanted a particular doll. The girl’s kind-hearted mother couldn’t bear to see them fight, so she offered my daughter a replacement toy, a stuffed turtle. Then both girls wanted the turtle, so she brought something else. She brought toy after toy to the girls, and they continued to fight over each new toy. Finally, after tears and yelling, the girls finished their rivalry, abandoned all the toys and went out in the yard to play, friends again.
So, how do we teach children to share with others?
First, by modeling generosity. For example, saying to a child, “You’re reaching for my crackers. Here, I’ll share some with you.” Or, “Let’s share this umbrella.”
Second, when our child demonstrates generosity we acknowledge it. “It was kind of you to share those blocks with Robert.”
Most importantly, we must be patient and trust that our child will learn to share in time.
No parent feels comfortable when their child takes from another, holds on to toys that another wants to use, or seems upset because another child will not share with him. But these situations usually look far worse from the parent’s point-of-view than they do from the child’s. When we unnecessarily intervene in a struggle by insisting that a child shares, we rob him of a social learning experience. And when we insist that our child shares before he can truly understand what it means, we risk making ‘share’ a bad word. A child will share when he begins to feel empathy for others, empathy modeled through a parent’s patience and trust in him.
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10 Responses to “The S Word (Share!)”
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Great post! From now on, I will never be able use the word share around my kids without considering my motives.
Thanks!
-PA
excellent topic
can I use this for a reading in an online course?
Sometimes I use this analogy for adults- you are in your office, on the computer, a coworker comes in and squeezes in next to you on your chair and begins typing on the keyboard with you. When you protest, your boss leans in the door and says, “Share”
What would you do?
Such wise words! Sharing is hard. Even for adults sometimes. I often forget how difficult it is for my little guys and that they’re learning – through self discovery. Very nicely written, thanks!
I really appreciate this post. Intuitively, this is what I’ve always believed, but there is so much peer pressure from other adults to tow the “share” line! thx.
I understand that my two year old and his peers don’t comprehend sharing. I frequently find myself in an exchange with another child’s parent saying it’s ok your child doesn’t need to give up his toy there are lots of other things my son can play with while your child is involved with that one and I can easily get him involved in something else. The other adult usually doesn’t “hear” this and insists on their child surrendering the toy —much to the dismay of their child! Any suggestions on mitigating this situation differently -do you think redirecting my child’s attention in this way is a good strategy?
Thank you, Merritt and Sandra, for mentioning the difficulty of dealing with parents who have different beliefs regarding toddlers and sharing. When you are in a park or public place, you obviously have no control over the behavior of other parents. It’s okay for your child to learn that others have different rules than you do; ‘broadcasting’ and acknowledging will help him to understand what’s happening. You might say,”The boy has been asked to give the toy to you and he’s upset about that,” or, “This family needs us to bring the toy back to the little girl. Can you do it, or should I?”
Modeling the respectful way you treat your child can have a positive effect on those around you.
When you are with adults that you are comfortable with, you can set the tone in a non-threatening way by asking them to join in your parenting experiment. At the beginning of a play date with a friend, or group of friends, you might say something like, “I’m reading about the benefits of allowing children to work out their social conflicts. Can we try that today?”
Thank you all for your comments!
Warm regards,
Janet
Great topic ~ As a mom and an early childhood educator, I am faced with the complaint that “Johnny’s not sharing!” every day. When that happens, I give the children a time frame. I tell them Johnny may play for 2 or 3 or 5 more minutes (depending on the level of involvement or situation) and then it will be Jane’s turn. This allows Johnny time to mentally prepare to be done, and gives Jane the opportunity to learn patience!!! We all have time limits to get our work/play done and giving a time frame/heads up makes transitions for children easier. They shouldn’t have to surrender something on the spot just because someone else decided they want it right now.
I never use the word “share” in my daycare/preschool simply because, as the author says, toddlers (and preschoolers) don’t understand the concept. We use “taking turns” and my mantra is “when Sally is done you can have a turn”. This works really well and many times the child having use of the wanted object will give it to the child who is waiting for it.
What would you say to a toddler who won’t share her snack? If someone asks for her a cookie and she won’t share.
Do you say “Cherry wants to have a cookie, would you like to give her some?”
I witnessed this incident before and the parents didn’t know what to do (I didn’t either). The person who asked for the cookie acted with an exaggerated sadness for not getting a cookie and when she asks for it again, the kid then gave her a cookie then she returned the cookie back to the kid and said thank you.
Children often agree to share food, but if a toddler is asked a question we should accept “no” as an answer, don’t you think? If the parent wants the child to share his snacks, she can give the toddler just a little at a time, and save some to offer another child (or adult). The person you describe sounds like she was playfully testing the child, being a lttle manipulative rather than honest.