The S Word – Toddlers Learning To Share
It’s chanted on every playground and enforced at the park, parties and play dates. It’s a word that has become the social mantra for parents of toddlers everywhere: Share!
We are all desperate for our children to share. Sharing is vital. The future of the world depends upon our children’s spirit of generosity. We fear that if we don’t remind our children to share, they might become selfish, stingy outcasts. Or, we worry that we will be judged an indulgent, inconsiderate and ill-mannered parent.
The truth is that toddlers don’t yet understand the concept of sharing, and our parental concerns make ‘share’ a loaded word. We tend to misuse it. We say “share”, but what we really mean is, “Give what you have to another child.”
Why would a child want to ‘share’ his red truck when it means giving up the truck to someone else?
Toddlers want what they see, and that object becomes ‘theirs.’ ‘Mine’ can mean either: I see it, I want it, or I’m using it. The idea of ownership — the concept that dad or mom bought an item at the store so now it belongs to them — is not understood by a toddler.
It’s common in RIE Parent/Infant Classes for children to want the same toy. The giving and taking of toys often begins as a social gesture, an infant’s early attempt to make contact with another infant. The children may appear to be struggling with a toy, but with a bit of patience and objective observation, we usually see that there is little stress and lots of curiosity. If a child reacts to the exchange with surprise or disappointment, infant expert Magda Gerber advises caregivers to ‘sportscast,’ rather than interfere. ‘Sportscast’ means to acknowledge the interactions of the children in a matter-of-fact way, never implying blame. Children often calm down when they feel that an adult understands. We might say, for example: “Rex, you were holding the car, and now Sophie has it.” Or, “You and Sophie both want that toy.”
There are no villains or victims in Toddlerland, just children learning by experimenting with social behaviors.
When infants and toddlers have opportunities for uninterrupted socialization, they will try out different options. Should they let go and allow the other child to take the ball away? What happens if they hold on tightly? If they do ‘share’ or offer something to another child, how does that child react? As infant expert Magda Gerber reminded us in her book Your Self-Confident Baby, “Self-learned lessons, whether sharing or the will to hold on, stick with us longer.”
Children will often demonstrate that the interaction with another child is what interests them, not the toy itself. This is evident when there are multiples of a certain object available, yet the children are only interested in the one that has ‘heat.’ Soon after the struggle is over, the toy is usually dropped, becomes ‘cold,’ and no one wants it anymore. Children are best left to work these situations out by themselves while the adults insure that there is no hitting or hurting.
Several years ago I experienced the futility of adult interference in a toddler power struggle when I brought my daughter to her friend’s house to play. The girls both wanted a particular doll. The girl’s kind-hearted mother couldn’t bear to see them fight, so she offered my daughter a replacement toy, a stuffed turtle. Then both girls wanted the turtle, so she brought something else. She brought toy after toy to the girls, and they continued to fight over each new toy. Finally, after tears and yelling, the girls finished their rivalry, abandoned all the toys and went out in the yard to play, friends again.
So, how do we teach children to share with others?
First, by modeling generosity. For example, saying to a child, “You’re reaching for my crackers. Here, I’ll share some with you.” Or, “Let’s share this umbrella.”
Second, when our child demonstrates generosity we acknowledge it. “It was kind of you to share those blocks with Robert.”
Most importantly, we must be patient and trust that our child will learn to share in time.
No parent feels comfortable when their child takes from another, holds on to toys that another wants to use, or seems upset because another child will not share with him. But these situations usually look far worse from our point-of-view than they do from our child’s. When we unnecessarily intervene in a struggle by insisting that a child shares, we rob him of a social learning experience. And when we insist that our child shares before he can truly understand what it means, we risk making ‘share’ a bad word. A child shares when he begins to feel empathy for others, empathy modeled through a parent’s patience and trust in him.
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23 Responses to “The S Word – Toddlers Learning To Share”
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Great post! From now on, I will never be able use the word share around my kids without considering my motives.
Thanks!
-PA
excellent topic
can I use this for a reading in an online course?
Sometimes I use this analogy for adults- you are in your office, on the computer, a coworker comes in and squeezes in next to you on your chair and begins typing on the keyboard with you. When you protest, your boss leans in the door and says, “Share”
What would you do?
LOL! Great analogy Deborah! Thank you for the laugh and putting this in adult perspective. Yes, this is a great post. I like the idea for modeling sharing. As Amy says, sharing is hard for even adults. We often forget that our toddlers are not adults and are truely learning the sharing concept. How can they learn if we “steal” the learning experience from them? “Your Self-Confident Baby” is on my reading list!
Such wise words! Sharing is hard. Even for adults sometimes. I often forget how difficult it is for my little guys and that they’re learning – through self discovery. Very nicely written, thanks!
I really appreciate this post. Intuitively, this is what I’ve always believed, but there is so much peer pressure from other adults to tow the “share” line! thx.
I understand that my two year old and his peers don’t comprehend sharing. I frequently find myself in an exchange with another child’s parent saying it’s ok your child doesn’t need to give up his toy there are lots of other things my son can play with while your child is involved with that one and I can easily get him involved in something else. The other adult usually doesn’t “hear” this and insists on their child surrendering the toy —much to the dismay of their child! Any suggestions on mitigating this situation differently -do you think redirecting my child’s attention in this way is a good strategy?
Thank you, Merritt and Sandra, for mentioning the difficulty of dealing with parents who have different beliefs regarding toddlers and sharing. When you are in a park or public place, you obviously have no control over the behavior of other parents. It’s okay for your child to learn that others have different rules than you do; ‘broadcasting’ and acknowledging will help him to understand what’s happening. You might say,”The boy has been asked to give the toy to you and he’s upset about that,” or, “This family needs us to bring the toy back to the little girl. Can you do it, or should I?”
Modeling the respectful way you treat your child can have a positive effect on those around you.
When you are with adults that you are comfortable with, you can set the tone in a non-threatening way by asking them to join in your parenting experiment. At the beginning of a play date with a friend, or group of friends, you might say something like, “I’m reading about the benefits of allowing children to work out their social conflicts. Can we try that today?”
Thank you all for your comments!
Great topic ~ As a mom and an early childhood educator, I am faced with the complaint that “Johnny’s not sharing!” every day. When that happens, I give the children a time frame. I tell them Johnny may play for 2 or 3 or 5 more minutes (depending on the level of involvement or situation) and then it will be Jane’s turn. This allows Johnny time to mentally prepare to be done, and gives Jane the opportunity to learn patience!!! We all have time limits to get our work/play done and giving a time frame/heads up makes transitions for children easier. They shouldn’t have to surrender something on the spot just because someone else decided they want it right now.
If a child has to give up what they’re working with, even after a few more minutes, he hasn’t learned what he needs to learn from it. If we make children stop what they’re doing unnecessarily, they can learn not to get too deeply involved in what they’re doing because someone will just come along and make them stop.
“Sharing” doesn’t have to involve conflict, though I never make a child “share” anything, ever. I teach the children in my class to ask if they may join someone’s work and then the other child has the option to say yes or no. If they say yes, they stick by it. If they say no, the other child has to choose another work. We also have “one person works” that aren’t able to be shared. The key is in the child having a measure of control over the situation. I’ve seen children tense up when another child gets close to them, all ready to fight it out, and then the other child asks and the first child relaxes, says yes, and they work/play together. I think they do need adults to model it, and to give them appropriate ways of handling the situation by around 2.5-3.
Megan, thanks for sharing the methods you use for handling conflicts with older toddlers. They sound perfect! In the RIE classes we intercede similarly when a toddler is obviously involved with a toy or object, or has a project, etc. I agree that children often need our modeling and help with language, i.e, “Please ask John first if you want to use that toy.” Or a reminder that a child can say, “No, I’m using that.”
I never use the word “share” in my daycare/preschool simply because, as the author says, toddlers (and preschoolers) don’t understand the concept. We use “taking turns” and my mantra is “when Sally is done you can have a turn”. This works really well and many times the child having use of the wanted object will give it to the child who is waiting for it.
When my daughter and a friend want the same toy and it becomes heated, I will step in. Say my daughter has a doll that her friend wants. I respond, “Sally, would you say to Olivia, ‘Olivia, may I play with the doll when you are done playing with it?’” Sally will generally ask and vise versa. Olivia or the other child (whoever has the toy) will usually say, “Yes!”. Generally, the child gives the other child the desired toy within 2 minutes. The child feels in control and both parties are happy.
What would you say to a toddler who won’t share her snack? If someone asks for her a cookie and she won’t share.
Do you say “Cherry wants to have a cookie, would you like to give her some?”
I witnessed this incident before and the parents didn’t know what to do (I didn’t either). The person who asked for the cookie acted with an exaggerated sadness for not getting a cookie and when she asks for it again, the kid then gave her a cookie then she returned the cookie back to the kid and said thank you.
Children often agree to share food, but if we ask a toddler a question we should accept “no” as an answer, don’t you think? If the parent wants the child to share his snacks, she can give the toddler just a little at a time, and save some to offer another child (or adult). The person you describe sounds like she was playfully testing the child, being a lttle manipulative rather than honest.
Great article. I just tested this and asked my 3yo daughter who’s coloring with markers:
me: do you like to share?
her: yes
me: with who?
her: you, here’s the brown marker
Not sure if there’s some hidden symbolism with the choice of brown but at least she wanted to share
You have such obvious respect for your daughter. Thanks for this lovely story!
My problem is convincing my 3 year old daughter NOT to share everything! She’s of the opinion that if she likes it, other people must as well, and gets quite distressed if people don’t then take what she’s offering because then they wont be able to enjoy it. “But I’m sharing!” is a commonly heard phase around here, whether she’s with kids or adults, and then I have to try to explain to her that she’s being a lovely girl asking people if they would like to share, but if they don’t want to she doesn’t have to share it. She just can’t understand that anyone would not want to share her things.
Neejchee, this is fascinating, because she is attempting to connect with others by giving (rather than taking, the way most toddlers do). Learning how to play with a peer is not easy! I often observe toddlers handing toys to others to get their attention. It sounds like you’re handling the situation well, just keep broadcasting: “You want so-in-so to hold that toy, but she doesn’t seem to want it right now.” Eventually, your daughter will figure out ways to connect that work, and move from “side-by-side” play with a peer to playing together. Just keep allowing her to experiment… toddlers need lots of time to pracitice social skills.
My child (almost 3.5 years) does the same thing but with food. When she insists on me or someone else eating something she wants to share but the person doesn’t want it, she becomes very demanding. I respond, “You are really sweet to share your food and I really appreciate it. Remember that we need to respect other people’s feelings and not force things on other people.” She will say, “Oh!” and usally back off.
Love this post as sharing is something that hits both home and work often. Thanks for setting children up with coping strategies at a young age. Again, I will go on to talk about older children here. I can see how many kids are used to being rescued by adults’ authority on a daily basis in upper elementary grades.(9-11 year olds) When students are working in teams or small groups, unavoidably (try as I might) there is at least one child who comes to me asking to be rescued. A rescue here would be my forcing another child to share or comply with what the first child wants. I am pretty good and putting it back to the child, restating (reporting) and asking the child to go solve the problem with their team or group. After sending the child back, I announce groups that are properly working with their materials and the behavior they are using. Another tactic I use is asking, Do I (emphasis on I) really need to solve this problem for you? Even kids in first and second grade will usually tell you no, if they have been taught to share, take turns, borrow, do something else, do something different…
Ok, Janet, gonna up the ante here, what about a TEEN that appears to be having difficulty ‘sharing’ her loved ones? (e.g. an eldercare crisis has shown empathy laced with narcissism-Is lashing out a predictable (developmental?) response in flight/fight mode to worry/stress?
Been reading Marjie’s tweet from KidsHealth on how to help kids handle worry: http://ow.ly/3gOCE Find myself in triage mode wanting to shout ‘be part of the solution, not part of the problem!’ which of course, will backfire like a loaded cannon, so won’t go there. Thoughts, oh sage rational one?
Amy, this is a little bit cryptic, but if I’m understanding correctly, it sounds like the teen is behaving with typical teen self-centeredness. Even a health crisis with loved ones can’t tear the focus away from ‘self’ (I’ve noticed…been there). I think it’s because the teen years are time of tremendous evolution and inner-turmoil, very similar to the toddler experience. Heck, I can even remember feeling this way… “Everybody hold it together. I don’t want to hear about your problems right now. I’m dealing with a lot here… it’s all about me!”.
As for the “lashing out” — any emotional response to stress is normal (for both of you!). I’m sure she’s aware that she is letting you down and may be feeling frustrated, guilty, everything…. On top of that, you are probably drained and not able to be emotionally supportive of her… I’m a big believer in everybody being allowed to have their feelings with as much understanding as possible, and no judgment. I would definitely rein in any misbehaviors, but allow and acknowledge all the feelings, even if they seem inappropriate or just plain unfair!
Ugh, I’m really sorry you are going through this. Please take good care of you.
This is a lovely article and a really good resource to help my staff develop the skills they need. So often I hear parents and practitioners say “you have to share” but ‘share’ is an abstract word that is difficult for a young child to grasp. The RIE philosophy is excellent in explaining how to tune in, respect children and be good role models.
Thanks for making it easily accessible.