Hi, Bye and Thank You
My mom taught me that the worst thing you can be is a ‘phony.’ Like my mother, I value authenticity, and I hope my own children will always have the self-confidence to show their true selves to others and act the way they feel. I also hope that, as members of society, my kids have the kind of pleasant manners that make them desirable companions.
The infants and toddlers I spend time with in my parenting classes are just beginning to learn accepted social behavior and graces. In the meantime, I enjoy their unbridled authenticity.
Asa is an active, agile one-year-old. He almost never stops moving and has a wry sense of humor that is more evident each week. In a recent class we had the pleasure of a grandmother’s visit. Grandma Anne was attending for the first time. She sat with us as we observed her granddaughter and the other children interacting and thoroughly exploring the room. Suddenly, towards the end of the 90-minute class, Asa turned to Anne, extended his arm in the air and waved a big “Hi!” The spontaneous greeting took us all by surprise, since Asa had been focused solely on activity until that moment and had not acknowledged Anne’s presence earlier.
A few minutes later, the parents and I compared the value of Asa’s exuberant salute to the more dutiful greeting a child might give in response to a parent’s prompting. We all agreed that Asa’s honest gesture was preferable to a thousand adult-initiated toddler ‘hellos.’
I understand a parent’s wish to raise a child with good manners, and we all want our children to know the basics: “Hi,” “Bye” and “Thank you.” Our children’s public behaviors feel like a giant reflection on us, both as people and as parents. When someone greets our baby, we worry that the person might feel rebuffed if the baby does not respond in kind. Even though this fear is usually unfounded, most of us believe our child’s social emotional development is more important than the possible ruffled feathers of others. How do we best teach children to be polite and caring, while also encouraging their authentic responses?
The answer is to trust and model.
Trusting the child means appreciating his or her simple, honest reaction to a situation, rather than wishing for more. It is common for parents entering my class to say to their baby, “Say ‘Hi’ to Janet, or “Say, ‘Bye-bye’!” when the class is over. More often than not, the baby is looking me in the eye and telling me those things in his own age appropriate way. The look of acknowledgement communicated through a child’s eyes is infinitely more valuable to me than a parent waving a child’s hand, or telling the child to wave his hand. When a baby does have the impulse to wave on his own, or when an older baby spontaneously says “Hi” or “Bye” to me, it’s icing on the cake.
A child imitates the adults in his life, so parents teach best by modeling the manners they want the child to learn, then trusting the child to incorporate those responses into his social repertoire when he is ready. When a baby first waves, he will often wave towards himself, since that is what he sees. This backwards wave represents a brief moment of time in a baby’s life, before he learns the ‘right’ way. Now that my children are older I truly appreciate the charm of a baby’s early efforts to socialize through imitation.
In our attempts to be good models for our children, we may find ourselves using the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ a bit more often. Wait, who’s teaching whom manners here?
It’s especially valuable to model “Thank you,” instead of the commonly used, “Good job,” when a child is cooperative or helpful. “Good job” is a reflexive response for parents, but it is the kind of praise that feels more like an authoritative (and slightly demeaning) stamp-of-approval than a response of appreciation. We help our child to grow authentically when we describe an accomplishment rather than praise it. “You put your foot through the pant leg yourself. Thank you for helping to put on your clothes.” A gracious acknowledgement helps to keep a child in touch with the intrinsic reward of his accomplishments, rather than training him to perform for praise and approval. (When our arms are full of groceries and someone holds the door for us, we don’t say ‘good job.’)
Even when we have modeled graciousness for a child, we must still find the patience to wait for him to find his own motivation to show gratitude. If we force him to mimic good manners, the child may begin to perform for approval only and not as an expression of his genuine feelings. Ultimately, we want our children to understand the words and greetings they are using. Realistically, most children cannot be expected to say “Thank you” (and mean it) until they are at least 4 or 5 years old.
I can relate to a parent’s impatience to hear a child express gratitude. I still worry that my eight-year-old son will forget those words and I occasionally ask him quietly, “What do you say?” or remind him, “Don’t forget to say, thank you.” But if I waited another moment or two, my son might say those words on his own without prodding. When I am on the other end of this scenario, as the host or helpful person, I know I would much prefer a child to look in my eyes, smile shyly, or do nothing at all, than perform a robotic “Thank you, Mrs. Lansbury.”
Our trust and patience is an investment in a lifetime of good manners motivated from within. Instead of prompting responses from our baby, we should try to relax, observe and enjoy our child’s natural reactions and expressions. We might be surprised by our child’s spontaneous displays of cheer and affection. And when we encourage the authentic development of social skills, we give our child permission to continually act from the heart.
When one-year-old Max entered the classroom during a recent parent/infant class, his friend, Jack, walked over and gently embraced him. I can’t imagine a more sincere “Hello.”
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22 Responses to “Hi, Bye and Thank You”
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i was just talking about this very thing to a friend today. i am making a new dance and am interested in the ways that it seems so important to other moms that their babies are waving hi and bye. jace is not doing that yet and it just seems like this horribly fake thing that i seem both compelled to “get” him to do while also really not caring one way or another. in my rehearsal today i was thinking about this – how many movements and behaviors are put upon us, which ones are for us, which are for others.
thanks!
Hi there, Janet!
I am a fan of Magda Gerber and have read both of her books. I am so glad to have found you on the web.
Anyway, a mom friend told me about the “Your Baby Can Read” program and I was just wondering what you thought about it? It seems kind of sketchy to me…but at the same, I think, “Well, if I could teach my baby to read…wouldn’t that be something that would be good for her?” My daughter is 1 year old.
Your candid thoughts and opinions would be appreciated.
Best,
Tina
Hi Tina,
I’m looking forward to sharing my thoughts with you regarding early reading instruction for babies and toddlers. Since I have a lot to say, I’ve decided to write a new post on the subject. With any luck, it will be finished and ready to go by this Sunday evening!
Thank you for inspiring me with your question!
Warm regards,
Janet
Here’s the post on “Your Baby Can Read” : http://www.janetlansbury.com/2009/11/your-baby-can-read-costs-too-much/
Oh, and one more thing…what do you think about teaching babies/toddlers sign language?
Thanks again!
I think teaching sign language can only be a positive, but I don’t believe it’s necessary. What’s important is to communicate with babies from the beginning and open the door for them to answer in return. Infants begin to respond to this very quickly…by lifting their arms to us when we ask, “Do you want me to pick you up?” And by preparing their muscles when we say, “Okay, I’m going to pick you up.”
Infants and toddlers will develop their own signs and signals for things…
One of the aspects I love about Magda Gerber and the RIE Educaring Approach is that it is about trusing infants to be self-learners. That means they learn language organically through our interactions with them. We don’t have to give them “lessons”, or do anything to teach them that doesn’t feel natural to us.
But if a parent enjoys teaching a baby sign language while they are interacting, wonderful!
Janet: reading and sign language to a toddler? I am in bizarre o land or maybe just not good at being a mother. My one and a half year old and i should be reading? That is a new one. I was given your site by a friend of my sister because she thinks I am too nervous about parenting right. Maybe I am but it’s my only child. I think it is Ok to be nervous. I read a lot on the web when I have time and get good ideas. But I have never heard of a child that old reading. This is eye opening to me. are there RIE classes everywhere? Where can I find classes? Thank you
Don’t worry! You definitely do not need to teach your baby reading or sign language and your parenting instincts sound wonderful. I am just now finishing up a post about the “Your Baby Can Read” program, and it isn’t a recommendation!
I wish there were RIE Parent/Infant Classes all over the world, and some day there will be, but for now please check the web site ( http//:www.rie.org , or my community section.) You will see a list of states where we have teachers and classes available. For more information, I also recommend Magda Gerber’s books, Dear Parent and Your Self-Confident Baby, and other books listed on my site.
Thank you so much for reading my blog!
Hi Janet, I wish there were RIE parent/infant classes all over the world, too. I’m doing my RIE III on how to start a class outside of LA. I’ve interviewed some of the women who are trying it. I wonder what would be most helpful so that more teachers can take up the work in other places around the world and be truly successful.
Hi Kim,
Polly Elam and others travel around the world doing RIE I trainings, but it would be great to have more RIE Associates doing this. One of the reasons I began this blog was so that RIE could have additional ways to educate. And I’ve been encouraging other RIE Associates to write too!
Your project sounds like a helpful one!
- Janet
Hi Janet,
You directed me to RIE when you were staying in Topanga. I lived in the home below your sister-in-laws and you saw me with my then 6 month old and asked me if I knew about it. I had not, but soon was with Harrie in Santa Monica for classes. I now have three children in which I raised with RIE practices and sent them all to Linda Hinrichs at Children’s Corner. The interaction with you that day and the information you passed on to me as a new mother was priceless. Thank you so, so very much. I had no idea!!! Recently reconnected through Facebook with you via another Topangan. I hadn’t a clue that you were so active with RIE. Wonderful job. My children are now in a Waldorf inspired public school close by.
I do have a question in regards to the posting here. My middle child Hope is now 7 and still is horribly shy when she is asked to apologize for hurting someone. Most of the time it is because she is clumsy and an accident happens, but sometimes she’s testing things out and plays a little too rough(older and younger brother to contend with) and can leave friends in tears. Not sure what this behavior means, but somewhere in the back of my mind(also having four older brothers) I can remember “accidently” hurting someone. I was also painfully shy and clumsy too. Now I have grown to be a genuinely kind person, very open and friendly and loved for my compassion. I am obviously fine, yet I not only worry what other’s think when my daughter is unable to apologize for causing their child to cry but at a loss for words when she crawls into her shy cocoon, wrapping her self around me to hide from embarrassment. Most of the time I will acknowledge that the other child is hurt. For instance today, I saw Hope drop her foot down on a younger boy’s ankle while sitting next to each other laughing on the grass. The boy’s mother addressed my daughter, also a RIE parent. I let them finish, the boy still crying, the mom scooped up her son and walked away. I asked my daughter if she was able to apologize and she started crying and clenching my shoes. I bent down and said, “Hope a simple I’m sorry makes people feel better, especially yourself. I’m going to let you calm down and when you are ready you can talk to Taj the way you want to.”
I went to the little boy and his mom said he just had stitches removed where he got kicked. I said to him, “Ouch, I’m sorry that Hope dropped her shoe on your scar. I can understand that is a super sensitive spot. ” Meanwhile he is showing me the spot and I say that “I see it”. My daughter dries her tears and walks over to him and finally says her honest, quiet and beautiful “I’m sorry”. And of course all is taken care of. This was a wonderful moment, YET, I usually have my hands full and it doesn’t always happen this way.
I guess my question is… does it work to apologize for your kid. I know that it feels right when I’m doing it and obviously my girl stepped up and did her apology after, so does this model work?
Thanks again!!!!
Hi Jennifer!
It was such a great surprise to hear from you. I remember you well from our 6 month stay in Topanga. The very first day we stayed at Ally and David’s house their dogs escaped, I was in a total panic and you rescued them, didn’t you? Thank you again! I am so glad to hear that the RIE philosophy has helped you, and I’m thrilled that you found Linda’s amazingly wonderful pre-school!
Thank you for your question about your daughter’s apologies. You’ve actually given me ideas for not just one, but two posts in response. I’m now plotting a short article about saying, “Sorry,” and another one on shyness. My immediate thought is that when you stopped worrying about your daughter’s response and modelled your own sincere apology, it freed her up to do the same. It is difficult for children to be sincere when they feel “on the spot.” Yes, I think modeling is the best way to go.
Thank you again for your message. I’m so happy to hear from you about your successes as a caring mom. And please tune back in for my longer answer about children and apologies.
Here’s the apology post: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2009/12/youll-be-sorry/
Hi Janet,
I loved this post, especially since it reflected so well on my boy. He is nearly 2 and does not perform upon request. The nice thing is that when I am in a situation where I say please, thank you and excuse me, he will usually echo that.
I enjoyed reading this too. In my group at day care we have a one young girl who seems to have nominated herself as the unofficial greeter in the room. When anyone enters she lifts her arm (elbow straight) and waves, calling “hellooo”, and when they leave she waves again, this time saying “bye, addaday” (“have a good day”). Each time she does it it makes me smile. I love how balanced your answer to Jennifer was, and also how sensitive Jennifer was to her own child’s feelings. I’m now heading off to read your apology post.
Yes, aren’t those spontaneous greetings the best?! Thanks for your kind words.:)
Thank you, i was gonna write a post about a similar topic, but you’ve done a wonderful job already on it (good job!
)
Our little man has explored the good bye thing and as soon as i enter the creche to pick him up he waves to the garden, the children and the teachers calling “bye-bye” like a million times. It’s so sweet and we never taught him to do it. But he also waves at a leaving subway or at me when i want to hug him and he doesn’t want me to. I love how he is finding his own way through the jungle of social behaviour and you are right that this is so much better than a forced “good morning!” it’s like a laughing baby that laughs on his own compared to one that is tickled to laugh…
“I love how he is finding his own way through the jungle of social behaviour…” Yes, it is a jungle out there, isn’t it?
I love the “waving to the garden”! Thanks, Nadine. I do hope you’ll write on this topic, too.
Janet, reading your blog brings tears to my eyes. You say so beautifully and gently what my Mom believed passionately.
Bence, thank you, it means the world to me to hear that. I am working hard to channel your Mama as best I can!
What’s funny is that my 11-month-old waves enthusiastically at our cat and dog every time she sees them. She will wave to people she knows but is hesitant and often waves after we leave. Strangers? The ones who kindly say, “Aren’t you adorable?! Do you know how to wave yet? Hello! Hello!” She just stares at them, which is really pretty good instinct, I think. A wave is an expression of affection to her, and she so far seems to be a reserved kid. This post served as a good reminder to not ask her to perform in that way. Rather, I think I’ll focus on modeling greeting and affection with friends – not in a phony way – but in a focused way, rather than putting the focus on her interactions. I love your comparison of “good job” and “thank you.” Makes perfect sense.
Yes, an expression of affection! And what a gift to an 11-month-old to not have to perform. Just being herself is good enough. Thanks, Alice!