Hi, Bye and Thank You
My mom taught me that the worst thing you can be is a ‘phony.’ Like my mother, I value authenticity, and I hope my own children will always have the self-confidence to show their true selves to others and act the way they feel. I also hope that, as members of society, my kids have the kind of pleasant manners that make them desirable companions.
The infants and toddlers I spend time with in my parenting classes are just beginning to learn accepted social behavior and graces. In the meantime, I enjoy their unbridled authenticity.
Asa is an active, agile one-year-old. He almost never stops moving and has a wry sense of humor that is more evident each week. In a recent class we had the pleasure of a grandmother’s visit. Grandma Anne was attending for the first time. She sat with us as we observed her granddaughter and the other children interacting and thoroughly exploring the room. Suddenly, towards the end of the 90-minute class, Asa turned to Anne, extended his arm in the air and waved a big “Hi!” The spontaneous greeting took us all by surprise, since Asa had been focused solely on activity until that moment and had not acknowledged Anne’s presence earlier. A few minutes later, the parents and I compared the value of Asa’s exuberant salute to the more dutiful greeting a child might give in response to a parent’s prompting. We all agreed that Asa’s honest gesture was preferable to a thousand adult-initiated toddler ‘hellos.’
I understand a parent’s wish to raise a child with good manners, and we all want our children to know the basics: “Hi,” “Bye” and “Thank you.” Our children’s public behaviors feel like a giant reflection on us, both as people and as parents. When someone greets our baby, we worry that the person might feel rebuffed if the baby does not respond in kind. Even though this fear is usually unfounded, we must prioritize our child’s optimum development over the possible ruffled feathers of others. How do we best teach children to be polite and caring, while also encouraging their authentic responses?
The answer is to trust and model.
Trusting the child means appreciating his or her simple, honest reaction to a situation, rather than wishing for more. It is common for parents entering my class to say to their baby, “Say ‘Hi’ to Janet, or “Say, ‘Bye-bye’!” when the class is over. More often than not, the baby is looking me in the eye and telling me those things in his own age appropriate way. The look of acknowledgement communicated through a child’s eyes is infinitely more valuable to me than a parent waving a child’s hand, or telling the child to wave his hand. When a baby does have the impulse to wave on his own, or when an older baby spontaneously says “Hi” or “Bye” to me, it’s icing on the cake.
A child imitates the adults in his life, so parents teach best by modeling the manners they want the child to learn, then trusting the child to incorporate those responses into his social repertoire when he is ready. When a baby first waves, he will often wave towards himself, since that is what he sees. This backwards wave represents a brief moment of time in a baby’s life, before he learns the ‘right’ way. Now that my children are older I truly appreciate the charm of a baby’s early efforts to socialize through imitation.
In our attempts to be good models for our children, we may find ourselves using the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ a bit more often. Wait, who’s teaching whom manners here?
It’s especially valuable to model “Thank you,” instead of the commonly used, “Good job,” when a child is cooperative or helpful. “Good job” is a reflexive response for parents, but it is the kind of praise that feels more like an authoritative (and slightly demeaning) stamp-of-approval than a response of appreciation. We help our child to grow authentically when we describe an accomplishment rather than praise it. “You put your foot through the pant leg yourself. Thank you for helping to put on your clothes.” A gracious acknowledgement helps to keep a child in touch with the intrinsic reward of his accomplishments, rather than training him to perform for praise and approval. (When our arms are full of groceries and someone holds the door for us, we don’t say ‘good job.’)
Even when we have modeled graciousness for a child, we must still find the patience to wait for him to find his own motivation to show gratitude. If we force him to mimic good manners, the child may begin to perform for approval only and not as an expression of his genuine feelings. Ultimately, we want our children to understand the words and greetings they are using. Realistically, a child should not be expected to say “Thank you” (and mean it) until he is at least 4 or 5 years old.
I can relate to a parent’s impatience to hear a child express gratitude. I still worry that my eight-year-old son will forget those words and I occasionally ask him quietly, “What do you say?” or remind him, “Don’t forget to say, thank you.” But if I waited another moment or two, my son might say those words on his own without prodding. When I am on the other end of this scenario, as the host or helpful person, I know I would much prefer a child to look in my eyes, smile shyly, or do nothing at all, than perform a robotic “Thank you, Mrs. Lansbury.”
Our trust and patience is an investment in a lifetime of good manners motivated from within. Instead of prompting responses from our baby, we should try to relax, observe and enjoy our child’s natural reactions and expressions. We might be surprised by our child’s spontaneous displays of cheer and affection. And when we encourage the authentic development of social skills, we give our child permission to continually act from the heart.
When one-year-old Max entered the classroom during a recent parent/infant class, his friend, Jack, walked over and gently embraced him. I can’t imagine a more sincere “Hello.”
Please register your e-mail so I can alert you to new posts. Or follow me on Facebook or Twitter.
I LOVE your comments and questions. Please add them here...
11 Responses to “Hi, Bye and Thank You”
Leave a Reply
Email me
Follow me on Twitter!
Join my Facebook Fan Page
RSS Feed
i was just talking about this very thing to a friend today. i am making a new dance and am interested in the ways that it seems so important to other moms that their babies are waving hi and bye. jace is not doing that yet and it just seems like this horribly fake thing that i seem both compelled to “get” him to do while also really not caring one way or another. in my rehearsal today i was thinking about this – how many movements and behaviors are put upon us, which ones are for us, which are for others.
thanks!
Hi there, Janet!
I am a fan of Magda Gerber and have read both of her books. I am so glad to have found you on the web.
Anyway, a mom friend told me about the “Your Baby Can Read” program and I was just wondering what you thought about it? It seems kind of sketchy to me…but at the same, I think, “Well, if I could teach my baby to read…wouldn’t that be something that would be good for her?” My daughter is 1 year old.
Your candid thoughts and opinions would be appreciated.
Best,
Tina
Hi Tina,
I’m looking forward to sharing my thoughts with you regarding early reading instruction for babies and toddlers. Since I have a lot to say, I’ve decided to write a new post on the subject. With any luck, it will be finished and ready to go by this Sunday evening!
Thank you for inspiring me with your question!
Warm regards,
Janet
Oh, and one more thing…what do you think about teaching babies/toddlers sign language?
Thanks again!
Janet: reading and sign language to a toddler? I am in bizarre o land or maybe just not good at being a mother. My one and a half year old and i should be reading? That is a new one. I was given your site by a friend of my sister because she thinks I am too nervous about parenting right. Maybe I am but it’s my only child. I think it is Ok to be nervous. I read a lot on the web when I have time and get good ideas. But I have never heard of a child that old reading. This is eye opening to me. are there RIE classes everywhere? Where can I find classes? Thank you
Don’t worry! You definitely do not need to teach your baby reading or sign language and your parenting instincts sound wonderful. I am just now finishing up a post about the “Your Baby Can Read” program, and it isn’t a flattering one!
I wish there were RIE Parent/Infant Classes all over the world, and some day there will be, but for now please check the web site (www.rie.org) You will see a list of states where we have teachers and classes available. For more information, I also recommend the RIE books and other books listed on my site.
Thank you so much for reading my blog!
Warm regards,
Janet
Hi Janet, I wish there were RIE parent/infant classes all over the world, too. I’m doing my RIE III on how to start a class outside of LA. I’ve interviewed some of the women who are trying it. I wonder what would be most helpful so that more teachers can take up the work in other places around the world and be truly successful.
Hi Kim,
Last Friday we had a 7 hour RIE Board meeting and we always end up discussing the lack of RIE teachers in many parts of the world. We need more teachers to train the teachers! Polly Elam travels around the world doing RIE I trainings, but we need more. And our certification process will continue to be rigorous (as you know!) We want to retain the integrity and quality of Magda Gerber’s approach. One of the reasons I began this blog was so that RIE could have additional ways to educate. And I’ve been encouraging other RIE Associates to write too!
Your project sounds like a helpful one!
- Janet
Hi Janet,
You directed me to RIE when you were staying in Topanga. I lived in the home below your sister-in-laws and you saw me with my then 6 month old and asked me if I knew about it. I had not, but soon was with Harrie in Santa Monica for classes. I now have three children in which I raised with RIE practices and sent them all to Linda Hinrichs at Children’s Corner. The interaction with you that day and the information you passed on to me as a new mother was priceless. Thank you so, so very much. I had no idea!!! Recently reconnected through Facebook with you via another Topangan. I hadn’t a clue that you were so active with RIE. Wonderful job. My children are now in a Waldorf inspired public school close by.
I do have a question in regards to the posting here. My middle child Hope is now 7 and still is horribly shy when she is asked to apologize for hurting someone. Most of the time it is because she is clumsy and an accident happens, but sometimes she’s testing things out and plays a little too rough(older and younger brother to contend with) and can leave friends in tears. Not sure what this behavior means, but somewhere in the back of my mind(also having four older brothers) I can remember “accidently” hurting someone. I was also painfully shy and clumsy too. Now I have grown to be a genuinely kind person, very open and friendly and loved for my compassion. I am obviously fine, yet I not only worry what other’s think when my daughter is unable to apologize for causing their child to cry but at a loss for words when she crawls into her shy cocoon, wrapping her self around me to hide from embarrassment. Most of the time I will acknowledge that the other child is hurt. For instance today, I saw Hope drop her foot down on a younger boy’s ankle while sitting next to each other laughing on the grass. The boy’s mother addressed my daughter, also a RIE parent. I let them finish, the boy still crying, the mom scooped up her son and walked away. I asked my daughter if she was able to apologize and she started crying and clenching my shoes. I bent down and said, “Hope a simple I’m sorry makes people feel better, especially yourself. I’m going to let you calm down and when you are ready you can talk to Taj the way you want to.”
I went to the little boy and his mom said he just had stitches removed where he got kicked. I said to him, “Ouch, I’m sorry that Hope dropped her shoe on your scar. I can understand that is a super sensitive spot. ” Meanwhile he is showing me the spot and I say that “I see it”. My daughter dries her tears and walks over to him and finally says her honest, quiet and beautiful “I’m sorry”. And of course all is taken care of. This was a wonderful moment, YET, I usually have my hands full and it doesn’t always happen this way.
I guess my question is… does it work to apologize for your kid. I know that it feels right when I’m doing it and obviously my girl stepped up and did her apology after, so does this model work?
Thanks again!!!!
Hi Jennifer!
It was such a great surprise to hear from you. I remember you well from our 6 month stay in Topanga. The very first day we stayed at Ally and David’s house their dogs escaped, I was in a total panic and you rescued them, didn’t you? Thank you again! I am so glad to hear that the RIE philosophy has helped you, and I’m thrilled that you found Linda’s amazingly wonderful pre-school!
Thank you for your question about your daughter’s apologies. You’ve actually given me ideas for not just one, but two posts in response. I’m now plotting a short article about saying, “Sorry,” and another one on shyness. My immediate thought is that when you stopped worrying about your daughter’s response and modelled your own sincere apology, it freed her up to do the same. It is difficult for children to be sincere when they feel “on the spot.” Yes, I think modeling is the best way to go!
Thank you again for your message. I’m so happy to hear from you about your successes as a caring mom. And please tune back in for my longer answer about children and apologies.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Warmest regards,
Janet
I discovered your blog on facebook groups. I just added you to my MSN News Reader. Keep up the good work pal! Look forward to reading more from you in the future.