Becoming Unglued – Giving Your Child the ‘Alone Time’ Both of You Need
HI! I have a question. I would LOVE for my 2 1/2 yr old to play independently! Huge problem: she is glued to my hip, and I do mean glued. She gets tons and tons of one on one quality time with me (both pure, silly fun and also educational) she is extremely happy when I am involved with all her play but will not do any sort of play without me. If I try to do the dishes or laundry she is constantly saying “mommy sit down, play with me” and cries and throws fits.
I would also like her to play in her room at some point but she is just refusing to be separated from me in any way. I would like to point out I absolutely adore the quality time I have with my beautiful girl! But sometimes, just sometimes I seriously need some space! Not to mention I feel it’s very important that she develop the life skill of being “alone and content”, learning to occupy herself and think of things to do on her own (without mommy every time) any advice would be tremendously appreciated! –Mama2agirl (A response to Baby Einstein is No Genius.)
Parents need and deserve lots of free time, and children need extended periods of self-directed, uninterrupted play. Children learn best when they are given time alone to invent, explore and experiment. When you’ve had productive time away from each other, you will come back together refreshed, and you’ll be ready to give focused attention to your daughter. Quality is much more important than quantity.
Also, keep in mind that when we play with a child, we are usually using our ideas and imagination, and the child is following and responding, rather than creating, discovering and learning for herself. I remember the shock (and great relief) I felt when an experienced associate and friend told me, “It is not a parent’s job to play with a child.” “WHAT?!” Your daughter is used to your constant attention, but it is not too late to break this habit.
It sounds like you are dealing with two related issues. First, know that children quickly become accustomed to the habits we create for them. When a child is used to a parent’s constant companionship, she will continue to expect it. You and your daughter have a loving relationship and enjoy each other’s company, but it will benefit both of you to have more time apart. It’s clear from the description of your parent/child dynamic that you realize this. So, getting there is the problem.
The second issue I see is that your daughter is looking for boundaries: guidance for her behavior. Infant expert Magda Gerber reminded parents that children will push for us to be a 24-hour slave, if we let them. When we establish boundaries, such as: now I’m going to do some work in the kitchen while you stay in your play area (and a gate across the kitchen door comes in handy here), we cannot expect our child to say, “Oh great, go ahead, enjoy!” The child might whine, cry or throw a tantrum. One of the biggest challenges for parents is to establish firm boundaries and then allow a child to freely (but safely) express her displeasure. We can let the child know we understand by acknowledging her reaction, “I hear how upset you are, but I have to work now. I’ll be back with you in a few minutes.” When we cave in to tearful demands and try to “keep the child happy,” we risk creating the opposite of happiness: an insecure child.
A child will not usually give a parent permission to leave her side. It is up to the parent to be in charge and make those decisions. It’s vital that parents set boundaries (and allow a child to cry in response) before the situation begins to make the parent angry or resentful. We are building a relationship with our child, and our needs matter too! We must prioritize a healthy relationship, not one in which we bend over backwards and neglect our needs, giving our child too much power. Children may complain and cry when limits are set, but they are always relieved to know they are not in charge.
When we make changes in the way we are parenting, we must have conviction in what we are doing. I recommend reading Your Self-Confident Baby and Dear Parent, Caring for Infants with Respect, by Magda Gerber, as well as the posts in this blog that address self-directed play and boundaries: A Jar Not Opened and The Myth of Baby Boredom.
Enough lecturing, here are my practical suggestions:
Switch gears to become an observer of your child’s play, rather than being directly involved. This might be easier to begin when at the park. First, tell your child what you will do before you get there, because she is probably used to you playing with her, and you will be behaving differently. “This time I’m going to sit on the bench. You can sit with me or go and play while I watch you.” When you arrive, sit with your child and allow her to participate in activities on her own, if and when she is ready to do so. (Obviously you would be ready to move closer to her if necessary, for safety reasons.) If she grabs your hand and demands that you walk with her to the slide or swing, you might say, “I’m going to stay here. You can sit with me or go and play.” If she insists, say, “I know I usually go with you, but today I’m going to sit.” It may take time for her to transition to this new way of being with you, but in the long run you will be surprised at the pleasure you derive from observing, rather than ‘doing’ with your daughter. She will naturally seek out what she is ready to work on, and you will learn volumes about her. The time your daughter spends inventing play on her own will eventually become the highlight of her day… and yours.
“Do less, observe more, enjoy most.” –Magda Gerber
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11 Responses to “Becoming Unglued – Giving Your Child the ‘Alone Time’ Both of You Need”
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Thank you so much for the much need advice! I will most definitely try these approaches. I have been given some of these tips from others (such as her father, with whom she always obeys and takes his word as set in stone) I am coming to understand that I may have unknowingly created this mess for myself. When I was little I strongly remember my mother NOT playing with me. I have no memories of mommy-daughter play and it’s always bothered me. So from the moment my daughter was born, it’s always been very important to me that she KNOWS I want to play and interact with her. But I think I’ve already built that foundation and what she needs now is more discipline.
Everything you said was right on target. Thank you for the advice and have a great day. I’ll be sure to update!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences!
As parents, many of us have the tendency to want to overcompensate for the deficiencies we have felt in the way we were parented. It’s almost impossible to be completely objective about our child’s needs, because we are constantly projecting our own. That is why it’s so valuable to step back and observe our child, to get a bit of distance. When we do that it becomes clearer to us that our child is a distinct individual and we can both understand and enjoy her much more. And giving a child undivided attention as an interested observer fulfills the child’s playing-with needs as much as entertaining her does.
Your daughter is fortunate to have such a caring and adoring mother!
Your article states, “She will naturally seek out what she is ready to work on, and you will learn volumes about her. The time your daughter spends inventing play on her own will eventually become the highlight of her day… and yours.”
I could not agree more! Watching her play alone is the highlight of my day.
So glad to hear that!
Janet,
At what age do you recommend beginning to take these actions? My baby is 12 weeks old and I love spending time with her, but also want her to value her own ability to entertain herself and not rely on my or my husband/Daddy. However, I want her to feel secure in our relationship with her. I would value your feedback!
You sound like a very wise, together mom. I would love to answer your question in a new post on my site! Please give me a couple of days to get back to you!! Thanks.
Hi Erin,
FINALLY posted answers to your questions here: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/09/baby-you-are-born-to-play/
If you have more, please feel free to ask! Thanks for getting me thinking…
Hi,Janet!
I love your website and read it very often.I always read a lot about infant/toddler psychology.Most of what I read is related to attachment parenting (Sears,Kohn,etc.)
After reading this post I’m a bit confused.I read in AP literature that rejecting kids (when they want to play or do something with you) affects child’s trust that their needs don’t matter or they are not accepted.Following that rule whenever I do something like washing dishes and my daughter comes to me (19 months) and wants to be carried,I pick her up and wash up with her – usually I let her put cutlery in a drawer, play with running water, etc.Although sometimes I’m just to tired to carry her or my back’s sore.
Since she was born I always left her to play by herself (out of laziness more than anything) for some time.Nowadays she plays by herself but as soon as I appear on the horizon,I cannot even sit.She doesn’t care if i play with her as long as I sit on the floor and look at her.Just recently she wants me to do things like put shapes into holes or spend endless hours in a sandpit while SHE is watching.Do you think I might have overdone with giving her attention?Is it fine to apply the same approach for 19 month old as you suggested for 2,5 year old?
Thanks for any suggestions!
Hi Ania and thanks for reading the blog! I agree that “rejecting kids affects a child’s trust”, but I hope the AP literature doesn’t say that you should always stop whatever you are doing and do what the child wants you to do. I don’t believe that is the healthiest message to give a child and it is certainly isn’t healthy for parents, who are, remember, half of this parent/child relationship. It is one thing to say honestly and respectfully, “I hear you want me to carry you, but I can’t right now. When I’m done with these dishes we can sit together.” It’s quite another to just say “no” and “reject” the child.
I understand not wanting to disappoint your girl, hear her complain or cry, but that gives her an uncomfortable amount of power. And it makes you her slave, because you are trying so hard to keep her happy. Remember, you have rights here, too, and your daughter needs to know that you are her leader. “I cannot even sit” and “putting shapes in holes” while she watches (with a whip in her hand?
) sounds like you might be “overdoing” pleasing her a bit, yes.
Life is about getting what we want sometimes and also being able to handle not getting what we want… and not having that be the end of the world. When you are worried about displeasing her, remember how important it is for her to know how to cope with her feelings of disappointment.
Wonderful post, wonderful advice in the comments too. Will share.