I Think I Know Why You’re Yelling
“I find that I become one of two moms when my children are upset. I’m either Mary Poppins — kind, loving, patient — or I’m completely intolerant and prone to yelling and screaming.”
–Concerned Mom
If you’re yelling at your kids, you’re not alone. In fact, my own empirical research suggests yelling has become something of a parenting epidemic. Some are even calling it “the new spanking”. Why are so many dedicated, intelligent, aware parents losing control?
My sense is that parents often end up yelling because they’ve actually made the very positive decision to give their children boundaries with respect rather than punishments and manipulation. These parents are working really hard to remain gentle and kind, and yet their children’s testing behaviors continue. They become increasingly frustrated, even fearful, feeling they’ve lost all control without any way to rein their children in.
And it’s no wonder! If I attempted to absorb all the vague, contradictory advice I’ve seen and heard regarding discipline, I’d be blowing a gasket on a regular basis myself. So many of these theoretical ideas are seductively warm and fuzzy, but they come with a whole lot of scary don’ts (“don’t punish, reward, control, give time-outs or consequences, use the word ‘no’, expect obedience, be authoritative, etc”), and very little in the way of practical tools.
If you’ve been yelling, here are some thoughts to consider:
1. You aren’t taking care of yourself
A long soak in a warm tub, getting away with friends or your spouse are always good ideas, but what I’d suggest is far more basic and crucial: know your limits and personal needs, and establish boundaries with your child from the beginning. Yes, even with your infant.
For example, in the context of a respectful relationship (which means perceiving your infant as a whole person and communicating with her as such), it is okay for your baby to cry for a few minutes while you make your regular morning trip to the bathroom to brush your teeth. You leave your baby in a safe, enclosed place, tell her you will go and always acknowledge her feelings when you return.
Since you are respecting your baby’s need for predictability, you’ve made this activity a habitual part of your day together, and your baby learns to anticipate that you will go and return. She still may complain, which is her right, but you confidently let her know you hear her and accept her expression of displeasure. “You didn’t want me to go. That upset you. I’m back.”
If you are a sensitive person who can’t sleep deeply with your baby near you, but you’re co-sleeping because you think you should, you are not taking care of yourself.
If you want to wean your child or limit your toddler’s nursing, but you feel guilty about that, you are not taking care of yourself.
If you need to go to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, but you’re afraid to leave your fussy baby or screeching toddler, you are not taking care of yourself.
In fact, if you feel guilty about any self-care moment, you are probably not taking care of yourself.
We all give up much of our lives for our children, but it is unhealthy for us (and even less healthy for our kids) to become an egoless parent, neglecting our needs and virtually erasing ourselves from the relationship. We need personal boundaries, and our children need us to model them. This is what it means to have an honest, authentic, respectful relationship that will make limit-setting in the toddler through teenage years clear and simple (notice I didn’t say “easy” — because it’s hardly ever easy).
Parenting fact: Our babies and toddlers will never give us permission to take care of our needs. “Go ahead and take a little break, mom, you deserve it!” will never be said or implied through our young children’s behavior, even on Mother’s Day. Quite the opposite, in fact. These boundaries must come from us, and our children will do their job by objecting, rebelling, making demands and more demands, and continuing to feel around for our limits until they are firmly and consistently in place.
2. You have spent your baby’s first year distracting, appeasing or otherwise manipulating her rather than speaking honestly about limits.
It disappoints me to hear some of the non-punitive discipline advocates I admire making statements like this one: “The bad news is that babies often want everything they see. The good news is that they’re generally distractible during the first year.”
Your baby is a whole person ready to engage actively and honestly in a relationship with you at birth. When you distract, you are practicing avoidance – denying an honest connection in order to side-step your child’s healthy feelings of resistance. The pattern this creates for both of you will make it so much harder for you to feel comfortable setting respectful limits later on. This formative first year is a crucial time to set limits honestly, because this is when we will establish what will always be the core of our parent/child relationship. (For more about setting limits honestly with babies, please read 5 Reasons Toddlers Don’t Need ‘Redirection’ (And What To Do Instead)
3. You feel responsible for your children’s emotions
Here are the main reasons parents neglect to establish personal boundaries with their children or use manipulative tools like distraction (all of which often lead to yelling):
- They don’t believe a baby is really a whole person who can understand words and interact honestly.
- They can’t make peace with the discomfort they feel surrounding their child’s emotions.
- They perceive all crying as something to avoid or fix, “one-note communication”, rather than a nuanced dialogue.
- They ride the whirlwind of their child’s disappointment, sadness, anger, etc., rather than being an anchor with the understanding that it is essential to emotional health for children to express themselves.
This unhealthy perception of children and their feelings thwarts the development of emotional resiliency, creates the need for even more limit-setting in the toddler years, and will exhaust you every time you have to say ‘no’ or insist upon something (which will be often). The toddler years, especially, are a limit-pushing, resistant period. Your child needs to behave this way in order to individuate in a healthy manner. If you feel pained about or responsible for your child’s daily roller-coaster of emotions, you’re going to be reluctant to set honest limits, get tired, and probably end up yelling…or crying, which isn’t healthy for your children either.
Repeat after me: Once I’ve fulfilled my child’s basic needs, my only responsibility regarding feelings is to accept and acknowledge them.
4. Your expectations are unreasonable
You also might be yelling because you are expecting the impossible. Children are explorers. They need safe places where they can freely move, experiment, investigate. Asking a toddler not to run, jump or climb is akin to saying, “Don’t breathe.” Create and find safe places for your children to play. Don’t expose them to materials or equipment they can’t use as they wish and thereby set yourself up for frustration and anger when they don’t comply.
It’s up to us to avoid situations that will try our patience rather than get caught up struggling to keep the peace and make it work.
5. You are confused about setting limits gently with respect
Join the club, and please allow me to introduce you to the most well-tread section of my blog: (HERE) I also recommend the blogs Regarding Baby, Not Just Cute, Abundant Life Children, Mama Eve, Aunt Annie’s Childcare, Core Parenting and Teacher Tom for their wealth of helpful advice and advocacy for respectful limit-setting.
6. You needlessly enter into power struggles
It takes two to struggle, so don’t engage. You are not your child’s peer; you are her capable leader. So, instead of taking your child’s healthy, age-appropriate button-pushing behavior personally and going to that “uh-oh” place that leads you to yelling:
a) Make eye contact with your child and confidently state a limit: “It’s time to brush your teeth.”
b) Give a simple choice or opportunity for an autonomous decision: “If you can come now, we’ll have time for a second book.”
c) Acknowledge your child’s feelings of disagreement (and welcome those feelings to continue as long as they need to, while you continue to acknowledge them). “Oh, I know you are having so much fun with the dog and it’s hard to stop, but it’s time. What a bummer! You are really upset and disappointed that it’s bedtime. I know the feeling.”
As completely counterintuitive as this is for most of us, it works. The more you are willing to agree with your child’s feelings while calmly holding on to the boundary, the easier it will be for her to release her resistance and move on. How can your child continue to fight when you won’t stop agreeing with her? This parenting “white-flag” of empathy will miraculously dissolve the tension for both of you.
d) If your child still does not comply for whatever reason, follow through by taking her hand (literally or figuratively). “You’re having a hard time coming upstairs to brush your teeth, so I’m going to help you.” You calmly take her hand, and then perhaps you add, “Thank you for letting me know you needed help.”
This by the way, is exactly what she was doing. And once you’ve recognized that all of your child’s resistant, impulsive, objectionable behavior is really just an awkward request for your help, you’ll probably find it easier to stop yelling about it.
(Photo by Natesh Ramamsamy on Flickr)
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This is such an insightful piece- thank you for writing this.
I never thought that yes, I have permission to have needs as well!
Danielle, thanks for your comment… It’s kind of sad to me that the need for self-care isn’t more obvious. Yes, please give yourself permission.
You have no idea how timely this is. I have not been taking care of myself, and it is showing up in our two children screaming for boundaries…which has led to a lot of yelling from both me and my husband in the past month. I’ve been reflecting a lot in the past week and looking back now, it is clear to me what was happening.
Thank you so much for all that you do!
You’re welcome and take good care, Maine Momma.
Janet,
Another must-share article! So perfect that you started off with self-care and included a specific list of examples that includes doing things you think you should rather than what feels right to you. Modeling self-trust is the best way for our children to learn to do it themselves. Thank you!
As always, Sandy, I appreciate your corroboration. Thank you!
I really love this article Janet! So so good!!!
Hi Amy! This is off-topic, but I just noticed that Ruby’s awesome video has been viewed over 13,000 times. Wowsa! She’s been such an inspiration to so many!
Most of RIE’s principles were so easy and natural for me to implement with my daughter because they made so much sense to me. But the one that remains a challenge and the one that stands out the most for me in this post is being my child’s emotional “anchor.” It’s not that I don’t the believe in the power and necessisty of a child’s self expression, though. I believe emotional expression is incredibly important and paramount to emotional health both for children and adults. As a child I don’t think my emotions (especially negative ones) were ever acknowledged by either of my parents. As a result I never received the message from my parents that I was seen for who I was.
Excellent insight, Heather.
Is this distraction?:
“You can’t play with the drum right now because Sean is playing with it. Why don’t you come play with the bells instead?” I’d consider that more misdirection… But I’m not sure where to draw the line between distraction and misdirection.
I agree that I start yelling when I haven’t been taking care of myself… But it’s never by choice! No matter how much you commit to take care of yourself there are just going to be times when there’s not enough sleep or not enough help or not enough time, or not enough support. When my fuse is getting short I try to get my husband to take over as much as possible..l but sometimes I’m just not going to be able to be the parent I want to be. I think thats ok… No one is at their best all the time. (and we’re ALL doing better now that he’s made his way past that sleep regression. Phew!)
Meagan, I’m so glad you are easy on yourself for not being perfect (especially while sleepless!). What I see in your suggestion about playing with the bells is that you feel at least slightly responsible for making this situation OKAY for your boy. You don’t want to hear his disappointment. This is certainly not terrible or an overt distraction, but it does indicate that you are not as welcoming as you could be of his feelings….and this responsibility you seem to feel is definitely adding stress to your life.
It hasn’t come up for me much yet since I just have the one child (and haven’t found much opportunuty for play dates) but I think this is about how they deal with it at school (Montessori toddler room 18 months – 3 years) when the kids can’t sort it out for themselves.
Hmmm… Well, in a group setting it makes more sense, but it still overrides the child’s ability to problem-solve, so it is not the best response, in my opinion.
Not being a parent- but an Aunt to a few adorably but rowdy kids-I’m curious…would the better option be (using the example listed above) “ I know you’re sad/upset/annoyed/etc that you can’t play with the drum right now because Sean is playing with it. Is there something else instead that you’d like to try while you wait?”
I mean- I’m all for allowing peoples’ emotions to be what they are…but i’m a problem solver by the gift/curse of God…So is falling back on a slightly more Socratic method the better option?
Kerri, yes! I like your suggestion, because it isn’t as directive as “come play with the bells”. I lean towards giving the most minimal help possible to maximize the child’s participation in a solution. So, I’d probably wait a moment to see if the child figured out to go to something else on his own, and then if he seemed upset and totally stuck, I might start suggesting other options.
*I meant redirection, not misdirection! When I star in a magic show, we can talk about misdirection.
(Sorry I didn’t mean to publish my last comment before finishing!) So early in childhood I turned inward to my feelings because the external world was not meeting my needs. For a long time I considered my feelings my identity, but the problem with feelings is that they are forever changing, and without someone to be your “anchor” as you say, the constantly changing sea of emotion becomes hard to navigate. When my daughter is upset it is not hard for me to acknowledge her feelings or be with her while she experiences them. My problem is that I feel myself almost getting sucked into them and identifying with them so much. Sometimes I have to step away, and take a minute to really feel the sensation of the floor under my feet to ground myself . That is the challenging part for me and the part I have to work on so hard every day. Thank you so much for this post. It will be one that I come back to again and again for the reminders.
Heather, your self-awareness and insight is incredible. I can totally relate and I’m sure many others will as well. If you need to step away, do it. For me, the answer was to step away emotionally, but still remain present and available. You may have read my slightly embarrassing post describing my process: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/11/tantrums-and-meltdowns-my-secret-for-staying-calm-when-my-kids-arent/
I wholeheartedly encourage you to persist with this work you are doing, because I truly believe that it will be as healing for you as it is helpful for your child.
I also find myself identifying so well with, or feeling so empathetic towards my daughters dramatic feelings that I have a hard time thinking clearly so that I might remain an anchor, and a leader. I come here to read posts and replies like this to help me regain strength so that I can try again tomorrow. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Being a parent is so hard.
Perfect timing! I was talking exactly about this today after I completely lost control and screamed with my toddler! I’m not my son’s buddy as much as I want to be, I’m his mother. If I cannot set limits, who will do it? Life? So much harder for him. I need to wear my invisible cape of Mother that gives me power, patience, persistence and trust and remind me everyday that setting limits before I loose my patience is key. Thank you, Janet! I love your blog.
Thanks for sharing, Jo!
Yet another powerful piece! I find that taking care of myself is my biggest weakness and you’re right: when I don’t, that’s when my patience and compassion go out the window. The problem I’ve encountered is sometimes this: while caring for myself (eating a snack, brushing teeth, etc.) my experience of self-care is completely thwarted by the sound of my son’s upset. I mean, who could possibly enjoy a cup of tea to the sound of crying and screaming?! It’s not that I feel responsible for my son’s feelings, it’s that I just can’t stand the sound of whining. How can a mother get a moment of peace when she needs it most?
Thanks, Sylvia, and great point: “I just can’t stand the sound of whining. How can a mother get a moment of peace when she needs it most?” My only answer is to lower your expectations and try to “stand” the sound, because young children always take their tone from us. If we are uncomfortable, it is almost impossible for our children to get comfortable. Keep acknowledging the feelings and letting go of “responsibility” and your boy will be more likely to accept the situation.
‘My only answer is to lower your expectations and try to “stand” the sound, because young children always take their tone from us.’
That just seems unkind. I think it’s just abnormal to pretend like you’re enjoying your tea while a child is going mad in the background. I think it’s more of an issue of being more creative with ‘me time’ rather than learn to dull our senses and ignore upset child.
I don’t see it as unkind at all (or as akin to ignoring the child) as long as we are always responsive. I would go ahead and make the tea, and then my response to the whining would depend on the reason for the whining. If my child was whining, “come here and play with me right now”, I would try to stay very calm and reply, “I’m looking forward to doing that in a few minutes.” Our calm “modeling” has a calming effect on our children.
This is not about ignoring our child, it’s about not getting sucked in…which is usually the reason parents lose their tempers.
Thanks for clarification, this makes perfect sense now. I am new to your page and I have misinterpreted what you said
I have started doing something similar recently and it does work: being responsive, but respectfully holding my ground. However, I found that I need to time my breaks right – when I’m already yelling and the child is already screaming is too late to have a cup of coffee in relative peace. But if I set out to incorporate little breaks here and there BEFORE I blow up and after spending some quality time with him it goes a lot smoother.
I have a question for you and maybe you can help me to start moving in the right direction.
My main “yelling episodes” is when my 3yo sabotages what I’m doing. Like when I’m cooking and I tell him not to do something and he proceeds to do it multiple times or I ask him to bring forks to the table and he throws them in soup. Or I’m putting spilled pencils back in the box and he picks it up and throws them back on the floor half way through.
What I eventually want to achieve is “we can do this together or you can play and wait for me to finish what I’m doing”. He is an only child by choice and we live in a small flat, so I do not NEED him to have a contribution to tidying and have no desire to enter into power struggles about it. However I don’t want him to actively ruin my work and grow up entitled.
Evs, in response to your first point, yes, yelling or even feeling like yelling is a sign that you have been WAY too late setting gentle and clear limits. Once we start yelling, we completely lose our ability to teach. We also usually create the need to repeat undesirable behavior, because our child is disturbed by our response.
In regard to the “sabotage”
… This is a sign that you are not giving your boy the help that he needs. It’s hard for me to tell from what you’ve given me where your guidance is lacking, but these tests could very well be the result of your boy not feeling safe and comfortable because of your tendency to yell. It’s as if children will keep testing to see if they can “deactivate” our reactive-ness.
So, my advice would be to respond to these tests patiently, remembering that your boy is doing something he needs to do to make sure you are calmly in charge. You might even want to try to anticipate that he will do this when you are cleaning up together and then stop him gently by holding his hand before he dumps the pencils, etc. “I know it’s fun to dump those, but I can’t let you.” If you are too late and he does it, you could say, “Oh, you wanted to dump those instead of putting them away, but I don’t want you to do that please.” Then be ready to stop him, because is is bound to want to test whether you will stay calm. These kinds of responses will reassure your boy that you are his confident leader who will stay on his “team”.
Thanks so much for your reply! I will try to think of it your way and try remain calm (oh dear, I need to work on that). It never occurred to me that he might be doing these things to reassure himself that “I’m his confident leader”. It is probably fitting that this behaviour is quite frequent exactly at the time as I’m going through a confidence crisis.
I also recently found another trigger – I instantly become furious when he kicks or hits my husband (I seem to be much better at staying calm when he’s aggressive towards me). It is silly, because my husband can stand up for himself perfectly well, but I seem to just turn into a Hulk! Should I just leave when things like these happen and let them work it out?
Yes!
oh and something else – I do feel very guilty that I am not a stay at home mum. Do you think he might be picking up on that?
I don’t know that he’s picking up on the guilt per se, but this guilt is very likely impacting your behavior towards him. When parents have less time with their kids they sometimes fall into the trap of hoping and expecting the time they do have together will always be happy and problem-free. But oftentimes, what the child actually needs from us is confident leadership and consistent boundary setting (while they resist or complain about it). This, of course, doesn’t feel like quality time to the parent, but it IS quality time for the child. So, try to let go of the pressure to makes these times “nice” and instead work on staying calm and understanding your boy’s healthy need to push limits.
Janet, you have no idea how much I need to read this right now. I often feel as though I am at my breaking point with my almost 3 and almost 5 year old (my 7 month old baby is a breeze compared to the big kids.). I have been feeling that much is amiss for months and now I know why. Now I can change. Thank you so very much. I will take all of this to heart.
Liz, I am so glad to be able to help. Thank you and please take good care.
I love this post. I don’t always agree with everything I read on this blog, but I agree with every word of this article. And it really hit home. Thank you.
You are welcome, Claire. Thanks for reading.
I not only have trouble having the right expectations of my children but also of myself. I imagine each day as I get up in the morning and assume I will accomplish a variety of tasks from cooking to laundry to pet care to playing with the kids to school drop off and pick up etc. When I only achieve a third of that (if I’m lucky) I get frustrated and feel a failure and ridiculously and unconsciously blame the kids, which results in me being impatient and yelling at them – how silly is that?!
Jessica, I have the same self-expectations, but rather than perceiving my inability to complete even a fraction of the tasks I set out for myself as failure, I’m calling it “eternal optimism/insanity”. It’s this little fantasy I indulge in every morning, sometimes while still in bed. Going easy on yourself will help you to go easier on your kids, so be good to YOU today.
Thank you Janet – your help is always so wonderful!
Hi Janet! Thank you so much for this very helpful reminder. I’ve learned a lot from your article and I am very glad to have read this post. You are really doing an amazing job helping a lot of moms out there (myself included). Again, thank you very much.
Thanks, Janet!
Hello!
Thank you for a beautiful and useful post. I have a question for you: what do you do when your child goes into a back-arching tantrum because he won’t, let’s say, brush his teeth? I usually just sit next to him and tell him that I’m there for him and wait. This can take forever. Do you think there’s a better way though?
Thanks,
K
Hi and thank you, Karla! I would trust the need for those feelings to be expressed. They are very likely related to lots of other tensions that have built up throughout the day. How long is “forever”? You might try to acknowledge the feelings a bit more, rather than assuring him that you are there (which he knows).
Wonderful reminder. Now, what about for older children? Ours have been raised in the environment you speak of above, but now we find ourselves resorting to raised voices, which is just intimidation and not healthy for any involved.
Any ideas for older kids?
Laura, can you please give me a specific example?
I have an example that happened at naptime today. I am an in-home daycare provider and at naptime today, my 4 yearold refused to nap and was not being very quiet which was keeping the other kids up. I know he was tired, but he has learned to keep himself awake, which is frustrating because I do not get a break that I need and he gets over tired and falls asleep before supper. The added background is that I worry that lack of sleep will cause his immune system to not be at his best and he will get a fever, this is very stressful for me because 7 weeks ago, he had a fever and had his second and third febrile seizure (and the daycare kiddos have been out lately with a fever). So I let him come up. I get mad and scared, I try to explain how I am feeling and not to yell too much, as my mom was a yeller and I really do not want to repeat that. I try to validate his feelings, and let him know I need to take care of myself too, but letting him yell and cry isn’t really an option when the other kiddos need a nap so they can function at night with their families. Any help for using the method you write about with older kiddos?
Lisa – sleep happens when we feel relaxed enough to “let go”. Imagine trying to sleep after having a big argument with someone close to you. Multiply this times ten and that’s how your son feels when you’re tense, stressed, angry. Helping children sleep is a different from setting other kinds of limits, because staying calm in this case is not just important, it’s essential.
So, I suggest that you do what you can to calm yourself. Have his nap time be “meditation time” for the two of you, if possible. Your son will only be able to relax when you can relax, so try to let go of the worry that he won’t sleep. Take the pressure off yourself and him. Make this a positive, quiet time, and accept him sleeping or not.
This is fantastic post. Thanks for writing it!
How is the best way to respond when:
E) You gently take your child’s hand and she throws herself on the ground/runs away/ screams or refuses to walk with you?
The above scenario is a relatively new one with my six-year-old daughter, I’m a little but stuck with this one. I’ve ended up doing time-out, but that isn’t ideal. I’m pretty sure it makes both of us feel bad.
Depending on where this happened, I would probably relax, sit and wait. Any idea why she’s running away?
Perfect timing. Being 7 months pregnant, and having a toddler with croup that just won’t quit, I was not taking care of myself in the least (I actually asked my son if he could give me 10 minutes to shower…really) and yelled last week. And of course, can’t forgive myself!
I’ll take this post as a sign to regroup, and start taking care of myself and my boy. Thanks, as always.
YES! Regroup and please forgive and take care yourself. Don’t ask permission for the things you need to do. You won’t get it.
What a great post. I always feel so frustrated with myself when I yell, which is mostly at my 5 yo when he is fighting with his younger sister at times when I am busy doing something else. These ideas will really help.
I have a question about acknowledging feelings. It makes a lot of sense to me to accept the child’s feelings and allow them to express them but my husband (who grew up hearing things like “stop being a baby” and “boys don’t cry”) seems very uncomfortable when our 5 yo son cries (which he has been doing a lot lately) and often tells him to stop. I think he’s worried that if he allows our son to express those feelings, it will encourage him to be whiny or overly-emotional. How can I explain to him the importance of allowing our son to fully express these uncomfortable emotions?
Hmmm… Lindsey, I admit that am much better at helping parents with their children than I am at dealing with adult conflicts. But your husband might be interested to know that emotional resiliency is fostered when children feel comfortable expressing their feelings to the hilt. Discouraging (or avoiding) the crying is often what causes emotional fragility…which means there will be more crying.
Loved this. Thank you. I could have written those exact words written by “Concerned Mom.” I’m a late-in-life mama w/ an almost 3-yr old, and a single Mom. I do use 6c above. My family, God bless ‘em, criticizes this one though. “Geez…… you’re using too many words….you need to just (spank, put in time-out, make her….). I yell more at her when I’m around my family. Just realized this the other day. But I can’t get away from the family. So now I need to find my balance to stand up for the way I want/choose to parent and try not to take the criticism so personally. Oh… and yes… my 3 sisters have children (six total between ages 10-14), and my brother has a daughter 9 months younger than mine. And somehow mine still is the “trouble-maker” out of all the kids. And she absolutely is not. And I’m not saying that just ’cause I’m her Mom! Everybody except my family reminds me that she’s a very, very good (& “normal”) but most important…. happy little girl.
So grateful for your posts as they give me moments of sanity.
Suzanne
Suzanne – it’s wonderful that you are able to remember to acknowledge feelings. I’ve found with the parents I work with (and myself) that taking the leap of faith it requires to go to where my child is emotionally is the hardest thing. It always feels to me like I’ll exacerbate the feelings when I do that, and it never ceases to amaze me that it actually has the exact opposite effect.
Your daughter’s happiness is reflective of healthy boundaries, acceptance of her feelings, and mutual trust. So, kudos to you!
Can we talk about #6 for a moment? Let’s say you’ve done all the above, you’ve given clear direction and choices, and they aren’t listening about getting into bed. You’ve empathized and acknowledged that it’s not fun and you know they would rather stay up but they need rest. You’re already in their bedroom. Then they start to lose it, kicking the floor and screaming “I WANT BOOKS” and you calmly but firmly tell them that you cannot read books to someone who is acting so worked up, and that to get books, they need to settle down. So now they are yelling at you that they ARE in fact settled down, when clearly they are not.
You offer comfort, you offer to help them settle, you tell them if they cannot behave respectfully you are going to say goodnight. Still insanity ensues. It’s far past the point of rationalization with the child and you’re getting upset.
What do you do? This happened last night out of nowhere out of nothing. She didn’t want to go to bed, which isn’t abnormal but then, we told her if she didn’t get into bed there would be no time for books (we read in bed, she’s had the same routine since 7 weeks old, she’s almost 3). This didn’t prompt her to get in. Eventually it’s been a long time and we have to stick to the previous statement and let her know that since we haven’t got into bed, there isn’t time for books. Now she’s flipping out.
Eventually, we left her room and told her we’d come back when she settled. And she didn’t, we went in to give her a chance to settle, and she refused. So I yelled, but that didn’t help either (which isn’t a surprise but I really don’t know the option).
She just continued to cry and scream and carry on asking for books for over 30 mins. Even when I went in to make sure she was ok, and was myself now calm and in control of my emotions, she was still yelling at me (yelling to tell me she wasn’t yelling to boot ha!).
At that point, what do you even do? I mean, I left her room and left her to her own devices and she went to sleep and woke up chipper as ever. I laid awake all night feeling like the worst person alive and woke up and had a cry.
I don’t like to yell. We do choice and consequence for the most part, rarely do we do a time out. If it’s necessary she will have a time into sit with us and calm and then talk about the issue. But this situation, where she’s not listening or calming is happening a little more often the closer she gets to 3. I know it’s a power struggle, I know she’s pushing boundaries, but when they are clearly set and she doesn’t “win” but keeps pushing, I don’t know what to do?
Sorry one more bit, at some point I know she’s a child but throwing herself on the floor and kicking things and yelling at me like that are not acceptable behaviours to me. That is a boundary as well, so as much as I am more than happy to speak toddlerease and acknowledge how she’s feeling, I don’t want to give her the impression that it’s an ok way to behave (yes I see the stupidity in trying to teach someone not to yell by yelling at them….it’s not my usual MO
BC – the problem I’m hearing is that you want to limit your daughter’s emotional outbursts, rather than accepting them. This is what I meant in my post by “making peace with your child’s feelings”. It is not your job (or your place, in my opinion) to “settle” your child or calm her when she’s tantruming, nor would I expect her to be able to do those things. It needs to be okay with you that she expresses her feelings.
So, rather than this approach: “you cannot read books to someone who is acting so worked up, and that to get books, they need to settle down.” I would accept the outbursts as your “friend”. These expressions of emotion will help your daughter clear her feelings and then be able to calm down and settle into sleep in a healthy manner. Just acknowledge, “I hear how upset you are.”
It sounds like you are trying to battle your daughter’s feelings (which you perceive as disrespectful) and force her to calm down. This never works, especially at bed time. As I wrote to another commenter, children (just like the rest of us) can’t fall asleep when they are feeling anger and other intense emotions, or have parents yelling at them, etc.
Allow her to yell as much as she needs to. Don’t take this personally. Her feelings belong to her. As you’ve noticed, the feelings don’t just go away because you’ve demanded it: “You offer comfort, you offer to help them settle, you tell them if they cannot behave respectfully you are going to say goodnight. Still insanity ensues. It’s far past the point of rationalization with the child and you’re getting upset.”
I would also not speak to her in “toddler-ease”, but rather in your authentic voice.
Janet, this is an entire book in one post!! I have just shared widely and will continue to do so. Thank you so much for summarizing all these pieces of the puzzle with so much compassion and also practical advice, a hard balance to achieve. Love love love this.
Thank you and cheers, Miven!
Oiy!! So much of this is me!! So many times I’ve lost my temper because I’ve felt so helpless…. I have had so many arguments in my head with certain authors, because I felt at such a loss about setting boundaries. I felt like I didn’t have to be a playmate, but I wasn’t supposed to do anything else, either…..not even housework or food prep…I spent a lot of toddler years being totally frustrated….also, saying yes to everything even when I was trying to set limits was completely ineffective… I felt like my hands were completely tied when trying to figure out the need didn’t work, and my toddler was trashing the house in a rage….
I only recently started being more firm and clear, and its been so much easier – they really like knowing what the heck I mean.. But I felt like I was breaking some sort of rules. This article really helps…
I am the mom who is resentful and feeling like I should be just sucking it up for the sake of my children’s sense development….but I always felt like my resentment couldn’t be healthy, either..especially when it came to breast feeding…oiy! Six years of it, and four spent hating it and feeling like I was a complete and utter failure for not getting over my aversion…
I wish I would have found you years ago…. I needed a LOT more explanation about gentle parenting practices.. I am so glad to have found your site…
Hi Skye, sounds like you’ve survived some difficult times… Kudos to you! I thank you for sharing your story. I think many will relate
Dear Janet,
Thanks a Lot for your blog. It is always an Inspiration to read and help for raising up my 23 month old son Unfortunately i haven’t found a similar Website in german, because sometimes i struggle with my englisch skills
.
Best regards from the snowy Germany
Ira
I have read advice like #6 many times in books and blogs. The problem I have is that there is never a 6E. What do you do when you calmly take your child’s hand and he becomes a dead weight? Or starts screaming, hitting and kicking? That is when the yelling typically starts. What do we do then?
Lauren, there are two things I recommend.
One would be to get down to your child’s level and hold onto her hands or wrists, look into her eyes and gently acknowledge, “you are so upset about this. You really don’t want to come up with me now. You are having a very hard time.” And perhaps, “You seem very angry.” Your child may continue to struggle for a while, but she will eventually relax if you keep assuring her with acknowledgements and empathy. Hold or block her in a manner that prevents her from hitting kicking or hurting her. You might even say, “Please let me know when you are ready to come upstairs with me.”
Another way, if you are physically able or the child is young enough, would be to carry her upstairs even if she resists, kicks or screams. “You are having a hard time coming upstairs, so I will carry you.”
The make-or-break-it ingredient here (and always in these situations) is your calmness and conviction. I would also consider how you are handling the other things I mention in this post, because our children’s extremely resistant behavior is almost always the result of the way we’ve been handling boundaries.
So weird, apparently this is my parenting philosophy, although I had no idea I actually had a parenting philosophy. I have a 6 month old so we haven’t run into any actual problems yet, but I’ve been doing more or less what you’re advocating from day one and I don’t know where it came from. I know it didn’t come from my own parents or anybody I know for that matter.
i read this right after you posted and wanted to comment right away… but alas… such is life! but i wanted to chime in anyways, so here goes…
this post is so great. i forwarded it to austin to read, too.
i’ve realized how, for me, one of the most important things that i can so easily forget falls under “self care” is keeping up on the housework. i’ll admit my threshold for clutter is really low but i know for certain that when i’m on top of things around the house, i feel like i can take on anything! on the flip side, when piles are piling up faster than i can manage them, i can feel my fuse getting shorter and shorter and i know i’m going to snap – and probably at someone!
so making that a priority transforms everything.
thanks for (another) awesome post, janet… hope you’re doing well! xx
Thank you for writing this… for writing this blog!
Number 4 – Expectations. That’s my achilles’ heel. Whenever I yell or I feel the urge to scream, I repeat a mantra “she’s two”. Realizing she’s only two grounds me and rids me of all those unrealistic expectations.
This couldn’t have come at a better time, Janet. I’m so stressed with our upcoming move that I’ve been very short with all my children. After I read this, I’ve been repeating to myself, “accept and acknowledge”. It made our weekend much calmer and happier. Thank you!
So glad to hear that, Suchada! xo
Hello Janet,
I am a young single mother with a 32 month old. She is very smart, verbal and strong willed.
Really great article with lots of amazing insight.
However, my question is about the very end of your post. Once I acknowledge and validate her feelings, the tension relaxes until I insist she still has ‘fill in the blank’. I give her ample opportunity to walk to the bathroom, or put on her pjs etc. She still won’t. Then when I “help” her it leads to a catastrophic melt down involving hyperventilating, attempts to slap, kick, run away etc. So I end up like bear hugging her by the sink calmly insisting she brushes her teeth but she is screaming so loudly she can’t hear me and her condition continues to deteriorate. Eventually she is so upset I can release her without her trying to run away and she stands there sobbing DONT TOUCH ME, KEEP YOUR HANDS AWAY for about 5 minutes then she wants me to hold her and she will sob softly, “I want to do it myself.”
However, this type of interaction makes me sick to my stomach and it feels detrimental to our relationship. I’m especially concerned because my parents were accidentally very shaming and I am a HUGE people pleaser. I don’t want to teach her the same lessons but I can’t seem to have success with gentle parenting. What can I do differently?
Alexa – this sounds challenging, but it was obviously an explosion your little girl needed to have… And from what you say: “I am a HUGE people pleaser”, I’m sure the expression of these explosive feelings is long overdue. This interaction you describe is gentle parenting. So, kudos to you! The parents and advisers who might tell you otherwise are either regularly blowing up at their kids and/or neglecting their children’s needs for boundaries, neither of which makes for happy, joyful children.
Your only “mistake” was waiting for your daughter for a little too long, because right there you gave her the idea that it was up to her to decide what would happen (which is what I imagine she is used to from you, and this power is paralyzing her). You also placed yourself in danger of getting to your wit’s end by not “helping” her right away. If you continue to give your daughter these kinds of boundaries, her explosions will not be as common or last as long.
It’s going to take you a while to feel comfortable setting real limits this way…and facing your daughter’s responses. But keep reminding yourself that children without leadership are in bondage. We might feel timid about harming our child’s spirit, but it is our reticence to be a gentle leader that actually hurts our children. Your daughter will be able to feel truly free and joyful when she knows she has your strong, confident leadership and safe boundaries.
While I love this piece and find it incredibly helpful, especailly after a morning of yelling at my children AFTER trying for ten minutes to be calm and help guide them. My only challenge is that what do yo do when these things fail, like this mornign for me? How do I guide my child to brush his/her teeth when they are lying on the floor screaming at me or throwing a fit?
Kara – can you give me the blow-by-blow of this morning?
Of course. My son was already on edge, just grumpy and realized that his dad had left without giving him a hug and a kiss and lost it. I knew that this made him very sad and so I sat on the floor while he screamed and tried to talk to him (I know you’re sad, daddy was in a hurry, daddy will be back tonight and will give you big hugs, can mommy hug you, etc.). Finally he seemed to calm down and go to the bathroom to brush his teeth, but then got upset about something else (don’t even remember now). So once again, I sat down on the floor and tried to talk to him about it and sat there saying I am here when you are ready to hug me. But at some point, selfishly I realized we were going to be late and so I started yelling. I realize that was not the right thing to do, but this seems to happen frequently. I feel like I try and try to remain calm, sit with them (I have twins), talk to them, etc until I am done and have to move us forward. Yelling is not the right thing to do, nor is it what I want to do, but I think I just get so frustrated feeling as though I am trying to parent the right way and it just doesn’t seem to always work.
Kara, what I am hearing is that you are feeling responsible for making these feelings better, rather than just letting go and accepting them. This will wear your patience and sap your energy and this is why I think you ended up yelling. You are not selfish, you are human.
Talking about hugs when your child is melting down is not helpful to either of you. In your description: “I know you’re sad, daddy was in a hurry, daddy will be back tonight and will give you big hugs, can mommy hug you, etc.” and even in this one: “sat there saying I am here when you are ready to hug me”, I feel your impatience and urgency for your son to feel better. Instead, LET GO and just acknowledge, “You are so upset”. Let it be okay with you that your son stays in these feelings as long as he needs to, because that is the only way he will really be able to move on. I wouldn’t even assume he’s sad… He might be furious. We only know he’s upset and maybe after he melts down he can talk about it and try to understand why, but not when he’s in the middle of the emotion.
Acknowledging is a little different from empathizing. Empathizing might take us into the other person’s feelings a bit… we try to share their feelings in order to understand them. Acknowledging is being just as supportive and validating, but keeping a little emotional distance, so that we don’t sink with our child. It’s the sinking that wears us out and makes us lose it.
Thank you. This makes perfect sense. How long do I let him melt down, though? Especailly when we have to go somewhere. I know he needs time to have those feelings, I would too, but how do you keep things moving when on a schedule and they are having these really big emotions and don’t want to do anything else. Thank you for helping me look at this differently.
Kara – The tricky part of this is that if you can totally give up on trying to control his meltdown, the length of it, etc., if you can really LET GO, it will be a brief meltdown. Then, if the big wave passes, but he continues to whine, I would go into “help” mode, meaning I would say, “You’re having a really hard time getting it together today. I hear how upset you still are about Daddy not kissing you good-bye. But we have to go, so I will help you…” (This must be done willingly, lovingly, without sarcasm, resentment, etc.). Then get his shoes, bring him his toothbrush and maybe even ask him to please open his mouth so you can brush. You’ll probably both end up laughing, which would be wonderful. But again, your tone and confidence is what will make all the difference. You might even ask, “How can I help? Shall we put on your pants together?”
THANK YOU!!! xx
You are truly a deep well of fresh inspiration. Thank you.
Hi, I have a question about talking to infants. My son is 9 months old and at the “I want everything and am going to burst into screaming and crying if you don’t let me grab it!” phase. You said that babies can learn reason and that we don’t need to distract them. How would that look? It most often happens when he tries to grab my face – this is a boundary that I can not let go. It sends me into a panic attack when he won’t stop grabbing at it. (yeah, and I have lots of other issues that it taps into, but that’s not the point
) I know it’s because he likes it and it is entertaining because it moves and is how he can see my expressions. I understand that it is totally linked to how he loves me. But I can’t handle it. My husband thinks we should flick his hand, but I don’t want to. What should I do? Thanks in advance 
This really seems to be me lately and every time I can’t keep my cool and start yelling I feel like such a terrible mom. It’s mostly over the frustration of my 8 month old not taking to her crib very well. I’ve tried making it a fun experience by playing with toys with her while she is in it, and I’ve tried having a good routine to set the stage for sleep time but at night she just screams every time I lay her down in the crib. I’ve co slept with her since she was a newborn because I felt that through what I had read from AP that was the best for both of us. I don’t regret co sleeping with her because i liked having her near. But now that she is older and moves around a lot I don’t sleep very well and she scoots to the edge of the bed in her sleep. Because of both reasons, I’d like to transition her into her own crib. So far the only advice I’ve been given from other AP followers is to change up my bed situation like putting my mattress on the floor. That may solve the edge of the bed problem but I still wouldn’t sleep very well. I no longer feel like AP parenting in its entirety is for me. I can’t be like those moms who don’t mind changing their bedroom around so their baby can continue sleeping with them at night. And I shouldn’t have to feel like a terrible mother for that. I want her to learn good sleeping habits so that she can comfortably sleep on her own. RIE is fairly new to me and I am slowly trying to incorporate throughout our day. So far though trying to talk to her and tell her what I am going to do ahead of time hasn’t help keep her calm about going in the crib. It’s only been a few days and I am not giving up yet but I am starting lose my patience a little from the lack of sleep and feeling so terrible about her crying. :/
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. There has been a shift in dynamics at my house as my soon-to-be three-year-old has recently started to assert her independence. I am pretty much a doormat of a human being and I hate that about myself so I am so glad to hear her stand up for herself. However, it does spark controversies in the house from time to time and I feel trapped between encouraging her to be independent but still needing her to follow rules that were developed with her health and saftey in mind. I absolutely love the dialogue examples I am reading here. This is really giving me the tools I need to communicate better with her. Thank you!