elevating child care

Is Two Too Young For Preschool?

Dear Janet,
I have a different type of question and very much value your input.
Where I live there is some social pressure to start one’s child in a daycare/preschool at the age of 2. The school we selected is considered one of the best and has been around for 30 years, so I know we will be in good hands. They have a special program, routine set up that includes independent play, group play, outdoor play and a group meal.
My dilemma: what do think is the optimal age to place one’s child in a daycare/preschool setting? Should it matter that 80-90% of his peers are already in such a setting? Will he be behind socially or emotionally if I wait 3 months, 6 months, one year?
If I do start him, I would only put him in for 1/2 day and he would take his afternoon nap at home.
I am anxious for your response.
Thanks for your time and consideration.
Molly

Dear Molly,

I laud you for giving such careful consideration to this decision. I have to admit, hearing the words “social pressure” immediately gets my back up. Making choices for our children is hard enough without dealing with the opinions of other parents! If you have doubts about any decision that affects your child, don’t be swayed by pressure from others. Ever.

If a particular school tells you that your child cannot enroll unless he begins at age 2, or urges you to start your child earlier than you wish to for any reason, run for the hills. The school is not a good philosophical fit for you. And when your children are teens (like 2 of mine are), you’ll hope and pray that they don’t give in to social pressure either.

Since the RIE classes I facilitate wind down when the children are 2 to 2 ½ years old, I’m often asked about preschool/daycare readiness. My personal opinion is that group socialization is helpful and positive for a child of 3 or 4, but toddlers 2 years of age or younger do not need to socialize in a group setting.

Group care adds stress to the life of a preverbal child (which is not to say a baby cannot handle it and thrive — just something to consider). If we can’t yet communicate all our needs verbally, combined with the fact that we are being cared for in a group, it can create stress, even in the most ideal setting. Playing with one friend from time to time, going to the park, meeting the plumber and saying “hi” to the mailman is plenty of social interaction for a child 2 and younger. If you have the choice to keep your son home for another year, he will only benefit.

For many families, group care is a necessity. Needing (or wanting) child care and having access to an excellent facility like the one you describe are good reasons to begin daycare or preschool.

It’s curious to me that age 2 is now considered the time to begin preschool in some circles. It used to be 3 to 3 ½. Children aren’t maturing any faster now, but they are expected to be ready to begin school earlier. Hmmm.

Whenever you decide to start your son in school, whether now or later, be certain about your decision. Know for sure that you are choosing the right time and place, so that you project conviction.  That will make the transition much easier and smoother for you and for your boy.

I consulted my associate Roseann Murphy, who studied with infant/toddler expert Magda Gerber and directed a child care center for infants, toddlers and preschoolers for many years. She kindly offered her professional opinion:

“My first instinct is to suggest that she wait for at least six months. There is much development that takes place between two and three. My optimal age would be three or older.  Children this age have a command of the language and are usually toilet trained (depending on the child). Separation is a little easier. (The caregiver-to-child ratio in daycare/preschool averages 4 children to 1 adult from 0-24 months….then magically at two years the ratio changes from 8 to 14 children with 1, possibly 2 caregivers.)  

If your reader is worried about not securing an opening …that is alright….there will be a place when the time is right.  If she does not need child care because of work, then I would cherish the time she has for the next number of months and go to a few Mommy and Me groups where she is present.

David Elkind (psychologist, author of “The Hurried Child”) believes a later start is better.  My dear friend Lois Robbert wrote a book in 1984 about preschool readiness and subscribes to the preschool age as three and above. She says, “Each child grows at his own natural pace and in his own time.  It means respecting the child’s developmental level and not pushing him into school before he is ready.  From a developmental view, it is understood that there is as much as a two-year difference in the development of children.  Boys, in particular, are slower to develop than girls.  A bright child may appear capable intellectually, but may have physical, social or emotional immaturity that would make it beneficial to spend more time at home” (“What is a Good Preschool Education?” Lois Robbert, UCLA 1984)

Magda’s approach would be very similar, as we know… 

Children have a long school career ahead of them…years of socialization and academia. What a gift for a child to have the relaxation of home if it is possible…to spend time with Mother, bake, shop, play, etc. Socialization comes regardless. 

For all of us in my age bracket, we can testify to how quickly time passes, how if we could get it back we might spend more time doing the relaxing/exploring thing with our children…”

Ditto everything Roseann said, especially her last thought! And if you decide to keep your son at home and don’t know what to say to your friends… how about, “Just need a bit more time with my little guy…before he’s off to school for the next 15 to 20 years.”

Molly, thanks so much for asking these questions. I hope this helps. Hopefully others will share their thoughts here as well…

All the best,

Janet

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34 Responses to “Is Two Too Young For Preschool?”

  1. avatar Barbi says:

    This was a great question and response. Unfortunately I was not in a place to keep my son home at all times when he was younger than two, however, I spent much time looking for the right fit and could not be happier.

    I commend the Molly for questioning conventional practices about preschool and asking you for your thoughts. I have high regards for RIE and Janet’s educated, logical advice.

    Fortunately the preschool we chose has the same philosophy as RIE, which is in line with our family’s.

    However, I completely agree with Janet and Roseann’s comments about what we’d do if we could turn back time. Last month, my accountant said she wished she had spent less time working and more time with her kids when they were younger.

    Her comment has become my “work from home” momma mantra!

    If I can let something go so I can spend time rolling on the floor with Henry, then I do it. His smile makes it all worth it.

    So cheers for you Molly and best of luck.

    -Barbi

  2. avatar Annika says:

    I am a Waldorf preschool and parent/child class teacher and I totally agree with Janet and Rosann. At 3 years old children are developmentally ready and able to be in a social setting. I have taken children as young as 2-1/2, who seem ready for it, and whose parents need it, but I strongly recommend waiting till 3 if possible.

    Socializing is hard work! There are so many cues, rules, and subtleties to learn. You can see how exhausted the children are sometimes at the end of the day. The younger the child the more likely they are to be apprehensive, confused and overwhelmed, whereas a child who is developmentally ready will meet the challenges of socializing with relish.

    I do find that children who have been to a parent/child class prior to preschool are way ahead of the game when they begin preschool. They’ve already begun the process of socializing with their peers, but with the support and security of their very own parent. In my parent/child program, they’ve also been exposed to many of the preschool rhythms: inside play, tidy, circle games, snack, story, play outside, etc. If you are interested in getting a head start in the ‘schooling’ department this is a wonderful way to begin.

    -Annika

  3. avatar Fernanda says:

    I quit my 10 years job at school 8 months ago and I can´t stop praising my decission. My 3rd boy is 2 1/2 now and we are enjoying an incredible time together. No preschool for him! I have to addmit it was not easy in the begining, though. It took me some months to slow down and start enjoying my little boy´s rhythm. I look back and I can see myself surfing the wave of social pressures (to be a working professional, to earn my own money, to be active and “free”). Now I´m SO grateful and I know it was the best decision I could make.
    I also realized life is much easier when you have less money available because there are not so many choices to distract your attention from what really matters: my dear child needs me and I need to be with him! We role play, hide and seek, we shop, take naps, bake and paint. Can life be more beautiful?

    • avatar Guiliana says:

      Fernanda, thanks for your response to this post. <3 I recently quit my 8+ year career to be with my son. There are times I feel "socially pressured" to make my "own" money, be socially active, or think of my next career move.
      After a few minutes of this, I go back to reality!! I have the BEST career any mom can ask for..Motherhood! Making my family my priority is so rewarding. I play/teach my almost 2 1/2. He's a smart kiddo and I feel blessed to have the opportunity to closely watch how well he is developing mentally, emotionally, and physically. <3
      Money is TIGHT in this household but God's blessing (my son) is priceless!

  4. avatar Marilia says:

    My 3 year old started school at 2. It´s a nice school that I would say goes along with some phylosophies of RIE, Waldorf and Montessori, quite like a mix of “modern” education.

    My biggest reason to put her so early was that I´m a single mother and we live alone. I needed to share the time caring for her with someone (in my case this school). I needed some time on my own and I wanted her to be around other kids since she is my only child.

    I wouldn´t just put her in any day care for the sake of being on my own, I really trust those caregivers I got to know more with time.

    It´s a nice enviroment I see her in. She is there from 8-12 and after that she is all mine :) I loved Fernanda´s comment: “my dear child needs me and I need to be with him! We role play, hide and seek, we shop, take naps, bake and paint. Can life be more beautiful?” I guess this pretty much translates the joy of being with our little ones the more we can.

    • avatar janet says:

      Sounds like you’ve found a great facility, good balance and a joyful appreciation for all you have.:-)

  5. avatar Jackie says:

    Thank you for this info. I have a 2 year old and feel the social pressure of not sending him to school. He gets to socialize with his brother at home and we meet up with cousins or friends one day every week to play so I feel like he has plenty of socialization. It just seems like there is such a push to do everything earlier. They are trying to start public school earlier here (at age 4 instead of 5). I don’t know why people just assume earlier will be better for formal schooling. I appreciate the professional advice your post offers!

    • avatar janet says:

      I agree, everything is getting pushed earlier even though earlier is seldom better…especially for babies. Magda Gerber used to say, “Why, when people are living longer, do we push children to develop faster and earlier?” Thanks for commenting!

  6. avatar shasta says:

    I’m curious to know if Molly (who asked the question) thinks her child is ready for preschool/group care.

    Personally, if I felt like my daughter was ready for and/or was interested in doing something, I’d give it a shot. If Molly’s child is super-social or asking to go to preschool, seems like it might be a worthwhile activity, despite what other people are doing or saying.

    Thanks for the great post, Janet!

  7. Just wanted to add my thoughts. Molly, I think you should do whatever you think is best. I agree with Janet, that it is not a good thing to bow to society’s pressure. It sounds like you want to have your son home with you for at least a while longer, so that is what you should do, so long as you have that option.

    My perspective is that kids can thrive either way. Some people have a choice if/when to start their kids in daycare and they should make whatever choice feels right to them. Some people don’t have a choice, and have the choice made for them by financial or life circumstances. So if you can make the choice, take that opportunity to make the one that feels right to you.

    I generally agree with the sentiment that we shouldn’t push kids toward things at earlier and earlier ages. That being said, there was a time when most kids grew up in big families, so I don’t think being in a social setting at an early age is a determent, any more then it is advantage. Sure, kids shouldn’t need to be in ‘school’ any earlier, pushed to read, or walk or anything else before their ready. But I also think kids are much more capable then we give them credit for. If they are in a care situation we feel good about, then they will be just fine. Societal pressures blow both ways on this one, and I think the right answer is individual.

    • avatar janet says:

      Kathleen, thanks for sharing this….I couldn’t agree more.

  8. avatar Jacklyn Hishberg says:

    The rush to push children at a young age into a “learning school comes from two problems:
    First parents who have to work and can not have money to take care or their family should not be judged as harsly as the women who are allowed to stay at home with the children. If you can stay at home with your children =-ENJOY IT as they wll be away before you realize. STOP JUDGING EACH OTHER AND ENJOY YOUR CHLDREN-STAY AT HOME WITH THEM OR BE SURE YOU CAN GIVE THEM FREE TIME WITH YOU AFTER WORK. NOT EVERYONE FITS INTO A ROUND HOLE-SOME GO INTO A SQUARE ONE BUT BY 3RD GRADE THEY WIL ALL BE DOING FINE.

  9. avatar Megan says:

    I know this is an RIE group and I’m a Montessori teacher so a little out of my zone, but I work in the toddler room at a Montessori school so I have quite a lot of experience with two-year-olds attending school. Here’s my take: If the parent respects the child (and obviously you all do or you wouldn’t be reading on this particular site)and is able to show him/her how to do things independently, then home is better for the child under three if that’s possible for the family.
    However – some schools are great places for a two year old to be and really help the child develop himself personally. There is a huge difference in school philosophies – a school where the children are expected to be in control of themselves at all times, sit still for more than a minute or two, and do worksheets (or even coloring sheets) is not appropriate for a two year old. It’s not really appropriate for anyone under 6. Other schools, such as Montessori ones, understand the toddler’s need to move and do things and learn how to be independent and develop his will. That’s a great place for a toddler to be. In fact, depending on the parenting style and busy-ness of the family, it may be more in tune with what the child needs developmentally than his parents could offer at home. So it really depends on the circumstances and the school options.

    • avatar janet says:

      Megan, you aren’t out of your zone at all! The Montessori philosophy is similar to Madga Gerber’s approach in many ways and I appreciate you sharing your perspective. I definitely agree with: “a school where the children are expected to be in control of themselves at all times, sit still for more than a minute or two, and do worksheets (or even coloring sheets) is not appropriate…”

    • avatar Megan says:

      Megan, thank you so much for your comment! We’ve been thinking about enrolling our son (who will be just over 2 by then) in a Montessori school for September. For some reason I was under the impression that Montessori aims to encourage children to be control of themselves and sit still for long periods of time, etc. even at that young of an age. I think maybe I misunderstood something that was said on our tour of the school. This ‘school’ is better than every childcare center we have looked at so far though and seems very in line with many of our values and parenting practices. So this really helps make me feel better if we need to send him there full-time, as I was slightly worried about that part.

      • avatar Amy Appel says:

        Megan, I am a Montessori teacher as well and I love the philosophy, but I will caution you that there is a HUGE variance between Montessori schools b/c there is no copyright on the name. I would encourage you to visit a few Montessori programs (if possible) to get a feel for the myriad of ways that Montessori can be applied. A good Montessori (or any preschool program, for that matter) should feel warm and nurturing and have a natural and organic flow to it. In Montessori, concentration and focus are fostered in a natural way by allowing children long periods of uninterrupted time to move freely about the classroom and to choose their own activities from a wide array of attractive options; this allows children to follow thier own interests and to become deeply engrossed in “work” of thier own choosing. There are limits and boundaries, of course, but the general rule of thumb is that you may do anything that does not infringe upon the rights of others. If the environment feels rigid or you see children that are being forced to sit still, do worksheets, read at a very early age, etc., then it is not a good Montessori!

        • avatar janet says:

          Amy, thanks for your clarification.

        • avatar Ellen says:

          I agree with you, Amy. My daughter attended a Montessori school when she was two and absolutely flourished! Now, 25 years later and in a rather remote part of the country, we’ve looked into Montessori for he two-year-old. Believe me, we’ve found NO true Montessori school within 100 miles of us. But many use the name. It’s quite a disappointment.

  10. avatar Tricia says:

    I do disagree with certain aspects of this article and accompanying opinions. I think every parent needs to look at each child’s needs individually.

    Having the opportunity to socialize and learn empathy can be a wonderful thing for older toddlers. Preschool settings providing large blocks of time to explore, create, and engage in dramatic play is something I’d be looking for in an early childhood setting for the 3 and under group.

  11. avatar Tanya says:

    My 20 month old started at a small daycare 4 weeks ago. She attends for 3 hours 4 days per week. Although she no longer cries when I leave she is still sad when I leave and again when I arrive to collect her. She asks to stay at Mummy’s house when I tell her we’re going to ‘school’ and asks me to come with when we get there. She doesn’t eat much of her lunch at daycare but eats everything out of her lunchbox when we get home. The teacher tells me my child asks to lie down and asks for her comfort blanket periodically during the morning between playing, and will ask to be left alone to rest and suck her thumb while watching the goings on from a quiet corner. She doesn’t ask for her blanket or suck her thumb at home during the day. She also does not ask for a morning nap at home. When I’ve watched her at daycare without her knowing I’m there she seems to enjoy playing quietly with the new toys and sandpit etc.

    My question is to ask whether my child’s reaction to daycare indicates a certain temperament or whether most children start this way? And whether the age a child could start morning daycare can be better decided based on their temperament?

  12. avatar Beth says:

    My husband and I enrolled our 19month old in a very relaxed ‘preschool’ type program, and she’s thriving in it, in our opinion. But, it is 2 days a week, and I would not have her go more often or for longer. I asked about her behavior in the beginning and her teachers said she’s always happy and interested in everything, and she certainly seems to be having a ton of fun. Most of the day is play time and she eats lunch and naps, but she is learning so much. She’s a very curious child, and energetic and this seems to be a perfect outlet for her.
    Now, with that being said, is it for every child? Probably not, and we’ll address it when our other daughter reaches that age. I certainly won’t put her in the same program just because her older sister was in.

  13. avatar Khadija says:

    I totally agree, having a degree in Early Childhood Education and working in a variety of settings for the last 15 years, 3 year olds are completely different than 2 year olds. Toddlers (12mos-36 mos) do not “socialize” and the only thing that I can say from experience is that my daycare only accepts 4 children at a time and in that small, small setting (which is more like a family), even the youngest kids interact with the older ones but it is still very limited. When people call me for care because they want their young children to “socialize” I don’t accept them here.

  14. avatar Megan says:

    This question comes at an interesting time for us.
    I’ve been home with my son up until recently – he is almost 19 months – and is now with my husband or grandparents or myself during the day (depending on our schedules). We will need to put him somewhere beginning in September though, when he’ll be just over 2 years old. It’s been a huge struggle for me. I wish I could stay home with him, but financially it’s just not an option right now. My job is flexible and I work from home but it’s still full-time hours. We’re debating putting him in a Waldorf nursery for half-days, bringing him home in time for his nap, and then he’s with me once he wakes up. I love the idea of him being home for his nap. Or the alternative is to put him in a toddler program at our local Montessori which is also very lovely and caring and warm and a very creative and nature-based center. He would be in there full-days though, napping there as well. I hate the idea of him being gone all day, but I’m wondering if it will be better to put him in a full-day program which will allow me to get all my work and other things done so that when I pick him up, I am 100% there, completely hands on, and not having to work all night or make up hours on the weekends, etc. which will inevitably take away from my precious time with him. I don’t know if I feel hesitant about full-days because I’m not ready to let him go or because I’m rightfully worried he is too young to be gone all day. Do you think full-time programs for a 2 year old are too intensive?
    I find this post really interesting as well in stating that children don’t really need the socialization until 3 or 4. I feel that even having been home with him until now full-time, I felt a certain pressure to get him more regular daily socialization, from parents, friends, even myself. So thank you for this reminder that being home with family right now is still a good thing for him (obviously we get out for playdates and other events at the library and such, and park outings, etc).

  15. avatar Lisa says:

    Thank you for this post! I am struggling (in my mind) with a similar question. We are a dual-income family, so my 2.5yo has been in day care since he was 7 months old. It has been a WONDERFUL experience…both of the day cares he has attended have been in-home, small (5-6 kids), and run by amazing women (we had to switch a year ago due to a move). I honestly feel like he has learned more at day care, socially and cognitively, than he ever could have at home with me. It was truly a decision that was best for our entire family.

    Now, my question: is an in-home day care, with some sit-down instruction (crafts, letter/number activities) and loads of open play time “enough” to prepare him for kindergarten? I’m not thinking of moving him to a formal preschool until he’s at least 3.5 or 4, but I sometimes wonder if it is worth it. Do kids really need that more-structured approach to prepare for kindergarten these days? (BTW, our local schools have all-day kindergarten.)

    I guess it depends on each individual child as well, and their temperament. I was cared for by a neighbor in her home while my parents worked, and she had me reading the newspaper and doing math problems when I was four. I never had structured schooling until kindergarten and did fine…but I was reserved, shy, bookish, and not incredibly active. My son, however, is VERY active and outgoing, and I wonder if he’s going to need a transition period from the less-structured day care to the more-structured kindergarten world.

    Thoughts?

    • avatar janet says:

      Hi Lisa! My thought is that you’ve found an ideal situation and that this is definitely more than “enough” to prepare your boy for a more-structured Kindergarten. At home, follow your boy’s interests, whatever they may be (with the exception of screen time) and he will learn all he needs to know.

  16. avatar Amber Rhea says:

    The one thing that always seems to be missing from these discussions – the elephant in the room – is that keeping one’s children home for several years requires one parent to stay home instead of working. And in our current society that is most often the woman (when we are talking about opposite-gender relationships). Leaving aside that this is simply not feasible for many, I would even say most, families, what implications arise from asking women not to work so that their children can stay at home instead of go to preschool? As a mother and a feminist, I find this very troubling.

    • avatar janet says:

      Amber, all parents have to make lots of hard decisions…it comes with the job. We weigh our options and do our best. No one here is “asking” parents to do anything, we’re just giving our best advice — from what we have observed and experienced. If you have the choice to stay home, but a child care center or school director tells you that the best place for your two year old to spend his day is at their center, you can be certain they do not have your child’s best interest at heart. But children can adapt well to all kinds of situations. Personally, if I needed group childcare for my under-three, I would want to gather all the information I could, so I could be well-prepared.

  17. avatar Meredith says:

    I have been debating this exact question for the past few months. My daughter will be 2 in August and she will have a brand new baby brother at home in July. At first I scrambled to find a school for her for next year. I even sent in a deposit to a school near our home. And of course, I started to reconsider my decision the minute I mailed the check because I decided that she will be too young for such a big class setting. By some stroke of luck, the check got lost in the mail! I feel relieved and I take it as a sign that she doesn’t need to be in a school setting for another year. She can just hang out and chill for another year.

  18. avatar Vanessa says:

    I hold the ideal of protecting childhood and am concerned with the growing practice of earlier school and academics for young children. But, I also feel that each family needs to assess their own needs and options when making a decision about preschool placement. For some families, a quality Nursery program can offer essential support to both the child and parents, even for those where a parent does not work outside the home. It can offer time for the parent to have self-care, connect with their spouse or friends, run errands alone (instead of having the child sit confined in a car for long periods) or have time with younger siblings. For the child, it can offer a gentle expansion of their world with another trusted caregiver, a consistent rhythm and beautiful environment to explore, and the beginnings of connection with other children their own age. For the family, it can offer support, understanding and education of child development from both the teachers, school community and other parents. I find that it is always an incredible gift to have someone else really know and understand my child.

    I made the decision this year to lead an early Nursery class for 1 – 3 years at Whidbey Island Waldorf School. This was done with the needs of the whole family in mind. It is a part-time program from 8:30am – 12:30pm three days each week. There is a 1, 2 and 3 day option. There are 10 children with 2 adults. For our small, rural community this is enough time for some parents to have part-time work, while others use this time for other needs. I have also found that our very simple rhythm that focuses on caregiving and play is a healthy environment for the child. The children are mostly 2 1/2 – 3 1/2 years old and are definitely already exploring social play. It is a great honor to be with them and to support their families. It is also such a pleasure to see the families connect through this shared experience.

  19. Dear Mothers hold your children close to you for as long as you will. You and only you have a particular ingredient that is essential for your baby’s well being and development. It is unique to your relationship. If you are not there that resource is not there for the little one to draw on. They are forced to withdraw into themselves and search for something that is not yet developed. Go to play groups and other gatherings but stay with your child. When they are ready to leave you they will let you know and they will joyously embrace that new stage of their life. Be patient. It is well worth it in the long term. Value yourself.

  20. avatar Mary Willis says:

    My observation for the parents who bring children to my program at 2 (we are Montessori and serve 2-5 year olds) is that the children are suddenly very busy and need/want more stimulation than the parent feels that he/she can/enjoys providing.

    Many of these parents say that they would have never thought they would have considered preschool for a two, but find themselves and their child needing something. If the child is not engaged, he/she might “get into trouble” or ask for undue attention or engage in power struggles.

    In addition, parents with a new child feel like a child might benefit from “their own place”. In any case, the children who come at two, who attend 4 or five days, adjust beautifully, seem deeply content and work and play hard.

    I would say that you know if you and your child need something else or not; nobody else does.

  21. avatar Laura says:

    My daughter is 20 month and will be 2 in November. A lot of my friends that also stay home are starting their children in a childrens day out program that is 1-3 days per week. I am trying to decide if something like this is right for my daughter. We do a lot of different activities with other kids so she gets interaction with others her age. She talks a lot and is very verbal (she asks for things, tells you what she’s doing, and uses sentences with up to 5-7 words). My husband thinks it would be good for her to be in a setting where I am not there. Up until now she has only had her grandma babysit her. How do you know if your child is ready? What are some questions to ask potential schools? I want to make sure they follow more of a RIE philosophy but I’m not sure what to ask. Thanks!!!

  22. avatar J says:

    So thankful to have come across this. I have been almost depressed seeing all of my fellow mom friends posting first days of school pictures for their kids who are my sons age (just turned 2) and even younger. Suddenly I have been second guessing the way I mother him, am I enough for him at home? Does he deserve better than being stuck at home all day with me versus with other children in a school setting? I needed to read this. I never even thought about preschool before the age of 3 was neccesary but all of a sudden our play groups are obsolete partly due to the kids being in school, this then started a depression and anxiety within myself about what I am missing. Thank you for posting this, truly.

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