Passing On Pacifiers (Thumbs Up!)
In a comedy skit presented at a RIE fundraiser several years ago, actor and RIE supporter William H. Macy (playing a baby clad in diapers and a bonnet) revealed a hidden pacifier and passed it surreptitiously to fellow RIE babies Jason Alexander and Paul McCrane. Out of eyeshot of their imaginary parents, they each took a deep “drag” on the pacifier. In a hushed whisper, Macy admonished Alexander, “Don’t bogart my passy!”
The best humor springs from truth, and the actors (with an assist from writer Ed Solomon) brought down the house poking fun at the RIE philosophy, parents and our foibles.
No question, pacifiers are a tremendous temptation — but not for babies — for us! As new parents, we desperately want to quiet our baby’s tears or help him sleep. Sucking is instinctual and calming, but this important need can be fulfilled by nature’s perfect pacifier — the thumb.
For parents, the thumb has obvious practical benefits: it doesn’t get lost, fall on the floor and get dirty, disappear in the night while the baby sleeps, and it is available anywhere and anytime. For the baby, the thumb has the most important benefits of all: it belongs to him, he discovers it, learns how to use it, controls it, and he decides when he needs it.
It is never easy to hear a baby cry, and we mistakenly believe it is our job to quiet a baby’s tears immediately, and by whatever means necessary. But babies communicate by crying, and sometimes they are expressing a particular need, like hunger. Other times they are expressing feelings. When we thrust a pacifier into a baby’s mouth, we are not only assuming a baby needs to suck, we are also disallowing further communication. Babies need their feelings heard, respected and calmly supported, just like we all do.
Infant expert Magda Gerber warned that calming a baby’s cries with a pacifier (or the breast when a baby is not hungry) gives the message, “Don’t do what comes naturally. Do what pleases me, your parent. I am in control of how you should feel and how you should show your feelings.”
Many parents worry that thumb sucking will become a habit, and yet we create the pacifier habit. We buy them when our child is just days old without giving him the opportunity to discover his thumb. Perhaps we feel more in control of the pacifier habit because we can end the problem by throwing it away. As Magda Gerber acknowledges in Dear Parent, Caring For Infants With Respect. “The issue is not a preference of pacifier vs. thumb. The real issue is, who is in control?”
The healthy pacifier is the one nature provides. It is easily accessed, always available, and can be used wherever and whenever the child chooses (even as some fetuses do — in the womb.) Life and parenting are so much simpler when we trust nature… and babies.
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34 Responses to “Passing On Pacifiers (Thumbs Up!)”
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Amen to this! I couldn’t have said it better myself.May I have permission to print and make copies to share?
Lisa,
Thanks! Yes, please do! Just please credit me.
I must admit I am guilty of this. My daughter used hers as in infant and it was tossed by 12 months, my middle son never took to one, the infant years were hard because he was not a self soother, but we got there in the end. My youngest is rather orally fixated and I am lazy enough to let it go on longer than it should, he is now 18 months and against all my better judgement still has it. This has been the kick in the backside I needed to purge them from the house. Thank you Janet.
I was “guilty” of this with my first baby, too. I certainly understand the pull (sorry for pun) pacifiers have! My baby didn’t take to it, but we sure tried. It made me uncomfortable (as did a lot of things I was doing then) not just because it was unnatural, but because the use of the pacifier felt so haphazard. I was confused about when and how to use it and, especially, how to keep it in the baby’s mouth all night in between feedings! I learned after my early (extremely difficult) experiences as a new mom that I am a person who really needs clarity and an overall plan.
The last thing I ever want to do here is cause guilt for parents. In fact my motto is NO GUILT EVER, just learning and moving forward. My only hope with this post is that it helps parents and future parents to know that it is possible, very possible to not use a pacifier.
Thank you, Coryanne, for sharing!
What a wonderful and “hot button topic” you have chosen to address with such finesse and dignity. The issue of pacifiers is so confusing. We are given them when our infants are born. We are sent home with a sack filled with them from the hospital. We are advised to use them in lieu of the thumb.
So as many good parents do…we listen… and use the pacifier even if it does not seem to be in sync with what we believe or know.
If a pacifier is never introduced a child cannot miss them…
But what about the “fear of crying”? Nothing is more profound and sometimes painful than hearing our infant cry. The pacifier takes care of that… our baby stops crying and we are in control.
After 25 plus years of studying RIE and children I have had the opportunity to see both sides of the pacifier and breast issue. Children who are given the opportunity to find their thumb or cry as they choose have the freedom to self-sooth.
Listening to the cries of an infant as he is experiencing the world will be less challenging in the long run than “taking away” the precious “pacie” when the parent decides it is time.
In 1982 interview Magda stated that “a child raised in this manner (without pacifiers or breast to quiet an infant) is always the initiator. This child will allow himself/herself to be sleepy, to be alert, to pay attention or not pay attention. These are all the ways we learn to be authentic, how to listen to our inner needs and how to respond to outside stimulation.”
Not using the pacifier or the breast to “quiet” a child is a challenge in today’s world. Putting something in a child’s mouth to quiet them subconsciously says we do not want to hear them.
After years of observation I have come to believe that self-initiated soothing from infancy on saves the child hours of “challenges” trying to cope with the loss of the pacifier or breast when it is used in infancy to stifle crying.
I am so appreciative of the RIE philosophy and Madga’s wisdom and am so grateful for this extraordinary site.
i’m using this blog as inspiration to do away with the binkie. she only uses it in bed, but it’s time. I told her yesterday that this is bye-bye binkie week. Any suggestions to make it easier? I’m full of dread.
Try not to be full of dread! Commit yourself to the idea that you are doing something positive and loving for your daughter. Include her in the process, as you have so far, by telling her what will happen. Have her put the binkies into a bag herself and help you dispose of them. The most important thing is that you proceed with confidence. Any doubt or nervousness you have will make it harder for her. It might help to talk to her about a new special ritual you two could create together around bedtime — like a special music box that she gets to turn on…a new book…something like that.
This will be far easier than you think, but she may well have tears and ‘grieving’ of some kind. Allow her to. In fact, encourage it! Don’t distract her out of her feelings. She needs to express them.
If you are confident, committed, and honest with your daughter, this will be a healthy and positive ‘bump in the road’ for your relationship.
Hi Janet,
I am 100% behind you on that. I don’t like to “stuff” my baby’s mouth with a plastic thingy just to get some peace and silence. It just feels wrong.
But I just discovered another problem that is never mentioned when discussing the pacifier situation – what do you do when the baby has not found his thumb? Our son is 6 weeks old and still far away from calming himself with his fingers. But of course he has times when he just wants to suck on something all day long. He is fed, warm, the diaper changed etc. but still he is unsettled and will suck on everything that comes in his way.
That again made me wonder – what does this need for sucking mean? Everybody talks about the baby’s need for sucking and how to satisfy it. But does this need not come from another “problem”, does he not have this need because something else is bothering him? I remember I used my thumb until I was far too old, but I just used it because it would make me feel so comfortable. So I believe there must have been something that had me worried or scared in the first place.
Do you understand what I mean – is the need for sucking something natural or is it just a manifestation of some other need that maybe I am just not able to figure out or I am overseeing?
It would be great to hear what your thoughts are on that…
Thank you!
Hi Nadine,
I do understand what you mean, and I know a baby’s furious sucking movements can be disconcerting! Babies are born with a strong instinctual need to suck, and they soon discover the ability to suck their hands, fingers or thumbs. In the meantime, I suggest talking to him, acknowledging that he is trying to find comfort, stroking him gently, holding him in your arms, not worrying.
I understand your worry, but the desire to suck is natural, not indicative of a deeper unmet emotional need. Yes, thumbsucking can become a comforting habit, and we may continue using it as a means to comfort ourselves in all kinds of situations. I sucked my thumb at bedtime until I was 10 (and still have the urge sometimes!) I have fond memories of my pruney little thumb and it seemed very hard to quit when others wanted me to, but once I made the decision for myself — simple!
And that is the beauty of waiting for your baby to choose, rather than plugging his mouth with a pacifier. Sucking becomes his choice, his way to satisfy a need he identifies. He is trusted and believed in. When he is ready to quit (which he hopefully will be earlier than you and I were) he quits!
Congratulations on your boy!
Thank you Janet!
Just to make you feel better – I sucked my thumb until i was 14!!! (only at night tho). Now I can use it as a pro argument that thumb sucking does not affect your teeth growth…
I have been watching our son trying so hard to get his fingers into his mouth today. He gets it but loses it again, so cute and so hard to watch when he gets frustrated at some point. But he’ll get there…
Hmmmm. My teeth were never affected either — I never needed braces. Maybe we’re on to something with this long term thumb sucking! We should start a club, at the very least.
Yes, he’ll get there! Take care and please keep me posted.
What a relief to hear this — I sucked my thumb longer than I “should have” AND needed braces, and as my child approaches the magical age of five I have started to worry about her teeth… it is good to know that thumbsucking doesn’t NECESSARILY affect teeth.
Hi Janet,
I have begun to mind a 10 month old baby. In the interview with the parents they mentioned that they sometimes give the baby a soother when she was going down in the cot but that they were trying to wean her of it. I have never used them with my children so in the first few days I put her down without it and she only had a little trouble with this. I put this in my notes to the parents and they were very pleased saying that they don’t give it to her going down any more either. However, after a few days off, when she came back to me she had a lot of trouble going to sleep without it. Questioning the parents they told me that they had begun to give it if she woke. Now the baby does a real ‘angry’ cry with me when I put her down for naps without the soother. I’ve asked them politely but I feel their position is that they want to go without the easy option of giving it but they are leaving me with the hard task of being the one who doesn’t give it when her parents do, should I just give in and give it here too? They are first time parents and I really feel they don’t realize what a job they are giving themselves for the future. There are other issues arising from the differences between how she is treated at home to how she is treated here but at the moment, this one is probably causing the most stress, she disrupts the sleep of the others too! Any help would be appreciated. Deirdre
Hi Deirdre,
Wow. I just have to say that I think you are the most amazing minder, and those parents are so fortunate to have found you! I think you have handled this situation exceptionally so far, but no, you should not have to be the one who breaks habits when the parents are not able to follow suit. If I were you, I would ask the parents what they want. If they cannot unite with you in weaning their baby from the soother, then I think you will have to give it to her when she is in your care. No matter how wonderfully nurturing you are, it is more stressful for her to be with you than at home. So, it isn’t fair (in my opinion) to ask her to have to struggle a bit more to get comfortable there than she does at home.
Cheers to you!
Janet
I’ve always had very mixed feelings about using the pacifier, but my 3.5 month old son has a really strong urge to suck (as do most babies), and it really calms him when he’s going off to sleep. We’re already tired of replacing it during his naps and throughout the night. Whenever we can, we remove it from his mouth as he’s drifting off, but before we put him into his crib.
He often wakes up searching for it anyway, and is instantly calmed if I give it to him. However, I am getting the impression that the binky falling out is starting to actually disrupt his nighttime sleep. He has two night feedings, but the rest of the time he still wants to suck and will cry angrily if he can’t get the bink back into his mouth.
I’d much rather he find his thumb! (He does stuff his fingers into his mouth quite often when he’s awake– so cute.)
Any tips on how to lovingly wean him from his pacifier and help him to find his thumb?
Hi Ruby,
Ah, you don’t know how much I wish I had a magic tip for you! The most loving way to wean your baby from the pacifier will mean allowing him a bit of discomfort, and giving him the opportunity to comfort himself by sucking his hands, fingers or thumb. If you are committed to giving up the pacifier, the transition will probably be brief. Stroke his back, talk to him soothingly, acknowledge his efforts, believe him capable, be patient and confident. If he gets that angry cry, acknowledge that, too.
Please let me know how you manage!
Hi Janet,
Wow I have only just discovered your blog and have found myself in tears of inspiration. Wanting so much to read more but also needing to get some sleep soon!
I have a 3 year old daughter who loves to suck her thumb. Ultrasound during pregnancy revealed her sucking her thumb at just 10 weeks gestation.
I have read in a hand-in-hand article that thumb-sucking could be related to holding feelings inside. This has led me to worry that she has “some deeper unmet emotional need” from very, very early in her life. We have tried many cries and giggles following the parenting by connection approach. My instincts however tell me to tred carefully and that perhaps she is not yet ready to give up her thumb.
Thank you for talking about trusting and believing in our kids. And for sharing your own experience of how hard it was for you to quit sucking your thumb when others wanted you to. In your words, sucking is her choice and when she is ready to quit she will quit. I think this is what my intuition has been telling me.
With gratitude,
Jodi
Hi Jodi! Thank you for making my day!
How can we not trust something our babies do in the womb? Maybe the take away from the Hand-in-Hand article should be awareness of the possiblity that your daughter is using her thumb to hold in feelings sometimes, and remembering to check in with her about her feelings.
You sound like a wonderful mom.:)
This just makes so much sense intuitively. I wish I had read this before introducing the paci to my babies. Now I’ve got a 3 year old firmly enamored with hers.
I wonder if she would have been a thumb sucker. I was and prolonged like you too.
Melissa, you are so open-minded and wonderful. We are all inclined to create some less than perfect habits for our children! (And welcome to the long time thumb-sucker’s club!)
Another lovely post, Janet. Your kindness always shines through your writing.
My son will be 3 in a couple of weeks, and still uses his thumb. Sometimes to sleep, but also in times of stress (like a room full of new kids, etc.). He is gradually finding other ways to soothe, but the thumb remains!
I have always allowed this and not worried about it. In fact, it’s the only issue on which I have openly scolded my mother-in-law. She was chiding him for still using his thumb (this is probably a year ago!) and I went all mother-bear. Oops!
I was secretly beginning to worry about his teeth. But now that I read that you were able to stop – easily – in your own time, I feel better.
(Now. If only I could attain such peace around toilet learning!
)
Jodie, thank you for your compliments! Well, this is proof that you are more than able to attain peace around toilet learning.
We used the paci with our eldest. We went back and forth almost his whole first year about weither or not we should keep using it! He is 2 now & it is strickly used only in bed. I dont offer it, it’s in a bucket next to his bed. It usually falls out pretty quickly & he still sleeps. BUT since we started this habit for him, I am respecting that when he’s ready he will choose not to use it anymore.
However, with our daughter, born 18 months after him, we stayed away from the paci (the paci was so hard with our son, having to put it back in his mouth when he would wake in the middle of the night!) It took a “long” time, but she found her thumb. She loves it. I just wrote a blog post about it being her “best friend” haha
Sounds good, Theresa. I’d like to read the post. Please add the link!
As a baby wearing, breastfeeding, all natural, believe in nearly every other blog post I have seen here I believe I stand alone in saying I can’t completely agree witht this article. If a child has the urge to suckle then they should be able to do so. However it has been in my experience (as a baby teacher for many years) that weaning a child from his/her thumb is much more difficult than the paci. And no it is not okay for a child that is several years old to suck their thumb. My niece did this for years, she is now 13 and still struggles with this. Her thumb is her comforter, so when she goes to sleep overs or on mission trips, or is any stressful or different situation she wants to suck her thumb. But then of course doesn’t because she feels embarrassed, which causes a feeling of shame. Sometimes she catches herself doing it because it is sheer habit, and it isn’t like she can get rid of her thumb, or get away from it. Her teeth are very “bucked” if you will and she will have to have 1000s of dollars worth of work done to her mouth for repair.
I have 4 children, mine have all used pacifiers. I don’t shove it in their mouth every time they make a noise, but I do however allow them to use it when it is what they desire. And my 4 month old will certianly tell me that the paci is not what she is wanting at the moment if there is something else that she is desiring.
I am really surprised at my reaction to this article since it airs on the side of “this is the way we were made”. To me it would make sense to debunk the use of the paci, God gave us one right there on our hand right? But, for the first time in a very long time I don’t feel that way. Not about this issue.
Interesting, Misty, and I appreciate you sharing. There is a wonderful post (and response in comments) that I read recently by Hand in Hand, one of my favorite sites, about thumbsucking (mentioned by @Jodi above) : http://superprotectivefactor.wordpress.com/2011/01/16/thumb-sucking-and-holding-feelings-inside/ The educators at Hand in Hand believe that chronic thumbsucking happens because we are holding in heavy feelings that we don’t feel safe expressing… That makes sense to me in terms of my own experience and healing that I have had to do in my life.
I have 3 children and none of them have been thumbsuckers or pacifier users. Only with the first one, did we even briefly try the pacifier. They all did suck their thumbs, fingers and hands when they were infants and had a need to suck. So, were my children able to avoid the need for pacifiers and habitual thumbsucking merely because of “chance” or is it because I didn’t offer them pacifiers, and also encouraged them to express their feelings?
Great article.
We have never used a dummy (as they call them in England
) with our now 12 months old girl. She has also never sucked her thumb. However, when she needs comfort she always finds it at the breast. If I remember those early months correctly, whenever she cried we woud rock her, speak to her etc but 9 out of 10 times she’d root for the breast.
Many of my mum friends use dummies and I have seen them shove it in to their crying and upset (or worse: audibly hungry) babies. It hurts my heart seeing this but it is not my place to tell them.
I know from photos that I had a dummy. I don’t know when it was taken away but I believe that I replaced it with lip and fingernail biting.
Nev
Hi. I love reading your blog, i have learned so much from it and i do believe it has made me a better infant caregiver. I apologize in advance for the long reply.
I have very mixed feeling about this issue because i myself was/is an index-finger sucker (not my thumb). I had a child in my class who sucked her thumb, either hand, to sleep or when she was stressed, or concentrating, or tired, or hungry. The other teacher in the room constantly pulled her finger out or told her to stop, but this made me uncomfortable. The school did not have a guideline, and i disagree with what she was doing. The only times when i would mention something to her was when she was pointing to what she wants, then i would say “I’m sorry I can’t hear your words when your thumb is in your mouth, can you please tell me what you need”. Eventually she did it less and less, usually just at nap time.
Watching her made me think a lot about myself and my experience. I have very few memories about myself growing up, however i do remember being yelled at for having my finger in my mouth, getting it pulled away, being called “cochina” (dirty or pig in spanish). which all in turn made me want to suck on it more because it just made me feel better. I would hide to suck. I was in 6th grade with one of my cousins and my dad told him if he ever saw me suck my finger to tell me “sacate el dedo cochina” (which was just an ugly way of telling me to take my finger out of my mouth). And of course, him sitting on the other side of the classroom i was constantly embarrassed, crying and then sucking again. In 6th grade!!
My parents tried everything, they would put glue, nail polish, garlic, and their favorite: spicy chili on my finger. but i just couldn’t stop! they even had the dentist make this sort of retainer with a barrier so i couldn’t fit my finger inside, he even tried scaring me by saying it would push the top of my mouth until it blocked the air passage and i wouldn’t be able to breathe and die.
Finally at around 15 i decided i wanted to stop and i did. I needed braces and as a reward for stopping my mom got my teeth fixed for me.
After high school, I went through a bad depression and at the hospital (after having my stomach pumped) i started again.
Talk about having the sucking suppress real feelings!!
Now as i think about it after having this girl in my class, i realized a lot of things about myself. i even noticed that when i’m stressed or sad i tend to eat spicy food (no chocolate for me!) I still suffer from depression, and sucking and crying go really well together. (that is of course the most embarrassing thing i have ever admitted to doing for everyone to read) I don’t know if i’ll ever be able to stop, maybe after a few more years of therapy?
I know my parents did what they thought was best.
But what will I do when i have my own children? My partner said she thinks they probably will suck their finger too because i do. The possibility scares me, how will i know to help them stop, so they are not dependent on something that will only cause them embarrassment, but feel so good at the same time.
I’m not sure if this is a post that has answers, i just wanted to share my experience and maybe by putting the words down it will help me with my own struggle.
Thanks for reading
Why do you feel you sucked your finger?
In my years in therapy (on my own healing journey) and education I’ve learned when a child lacks the mastery to complete a stage in development a “piece of the development gets left behind” when moving on the next life stage.
In older children besides being a habit there can be unresolved issues causing the child to stick with “infantile habits” or to regress to an earlier stage.
No one escapes childhood unscathed but this doesn’t necessarily have to cause problems in adult life.
When you find the love you are lacking or can accept the love offered to you or resolve the “missing piece “ the need for thumb sucking will resolve.
Good for you being able to see a reflection in the little girl in your classroom. Observing others often leads to great insights into our own personality.
No need to worry about the future with children. I’m sure you’ll do fine with this issue since you are sensitive to it. Your partner will also help with the child rearing and together you’ll approach this childhood developmental stage.
I found counseling, hypnosis (E.M.D.R.) combined with massage
And acupuncture treatments have worked wonders in my healing journey.
Good luck in your life journey.
I sucked my thumb until age 9.
BTW my teeth were pushed out by the sucking but given my family’s history of buck and crooked teeth braces were needed anyway.
Hi Dewi. And Aunt Betty, thank you so much for your considerate response to Dewi. Ditto to everything you say!
I just want to add that I LOVE the repectful and sensitive way you handled the little girl in your classroom. In spite of the insensitivities you endured as a child, you have incredibly wonderful instincts.
I don’t think you will pass this issue on to your children. As I mentioned above to another commenter, even though I sucked my thumb until I was ten, none of my three children are thumbsuckers. I did make an effort to allow them their feelings, even as babies, and listen to what they were communicating rather than putting something in their mouths.
You are so sensitive and aware (as Aunt Betty said) that you will be a wonderful mother, I’m sure!
I’ve always been of the opinion that thumb sucking causes dental damage, but had never done any research of my own… A very interesting read! I am very definitely against pacifiers (‘dummies’, here in NZ)as well.
I started sucking my thumb at age 10!
May I have permission to use this as a handout for our parent-infant class? Thank you for all your very helpful essays.
Yes, Marianne. I’d be honored.
My son sucks his first 2 fingers–upside-down–just like I did.
I was THRILLED when he finally “found” them. He never took to pacifiers, and I didn’t push them on him like I see other parents doing all the time. He liked to suck on my pinkie, but that became a pain, literally! (That was something that a nurse did in the hospital, I forget why, possibly to encourage latching?) I’m not concerned about it being a bad habit. I stopped all on my own when I was 5 or 6.