In this episode: Janet responds to an email from a father who says he and his wife have “done the best we can to follow the principles of positive parenting,” but their 4-year-old has been refusing to follow instructions and often seems to ignore them entirely. His behavior is particularly aggressive around their newborn, so this dad is struggling to find a way to get through to his son.
Transcript of “Our Child is Not Listening (And a Positive Approach Doesn’t Seem to Work)”
Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I’m going to be responding to a parent who has three children but is mostly concerned about his oldest who doesn’t seem to follow instructions and has been acting out. And the parents are using positive parenting but it doesn’t seem to be effective. They’re looking for what they might be missing.
Here’s the letter I received:
“Dear Janet, I listen to your podcast regularly and I’ve heard multiple letters that you’ve read from parents with questions I have as well. And now, I have a question of my own. My wife and I have three children ages four, two, and almost a month old. My son who is four is normally a very sweet and caring child and we’ve done the best we can to follow the principles of positive parenting. One of the issues we struggle with is what to do when our son refuses to follow instructions and begins to act out. We don’t approve of time outs. And we don’t spank. But there are times when I feel that calmly talking to him and using the phrases, “I see that you want to do that,” and similar phrases seems to have no effect.
The issue we struggle with often is him not listening at all and ignoring us and continuing the behavior we say we can’t allow, such as pulling his younger sister around, climbing on his mom’s back and shoulders while she’s trying to care for the newborn. What is the positive parenting method of dealing with a child where removing them from the situation, talking to them about the behavior, explaining our expectations, trying to understand their perspective, et cetera, does nothing and the attitude and actions continue?
Thank you for any assistance you can provide.”
Okay, first of all, I can’t help but notice that there’s a new baby here. So, right away, this oldest child’s behavior makes a lot of sense, and this could’ve been going on since nine months before the baby, or close to that, when children get a sense that there’s a big change happening. So even if there weren’t any other stressors in this child’s life at all that he’d be responding to, (which, obviously, there are a lot of normal difficulties that all children go through: changing to a new school, caregiver) even if none of those were happening, he has a big reason to be feeling a little kerfluffly in his behavior. He isn’t able to stop himself, even when his dad is very kindly and respectfully speaking to him about it. He’s not able to control jumping on his mother, being rough with his younger sister with words alone.
I think this note reflects a common sort of misunderstanding that positive parenting or what I call “respectful parenting” means that if we say something to a child politely, they’re going to stop what they’re doing, or do what we want them to do. That that will be enough on its own to set a limit. And almost always it isn’t in these early years. Because children are very sensitive and emotional. That means they’re impulsive. And they don’t have the self control that we, most of the time, have as adults.
Their feelings get the better of them. They get stuck. Here I am climbing on my mother again. I am not supposed to do this but I can’t help myself. They get stuck and they need us to do more than talk to them in those times. And I definitely wouldn’t try to reason with a child who is, as children often are, showing us that he’s beyond reason. That he is kind of gone. He’s not acting out of thoughtfulness and using his mind. He’s not settled. He’s very unsettled in these moments.
That doesn’t mean he’s like this all the time. I’m sure he is normally very sweet and caring and all those wonderful things, but it still comes up for children, especially in these situations where his whole place in the family seems to have shifted again and maybe he isn’t completely even resolved with the first transition to his sister. And now here we go again.
All this attention is going to this baby and, yikes! what have I lost here.
So, with those two understandings, first of all, that this boy does have a lot of good reason to be in a bit of an emotional crisis, at times, at least. And two, that our words are not going to be enough, and appealing to our children’s minds when they’re kind of out of their minds is not going to work. What can we do?
What I recommend is what I sometimes think of as being a mama or papa bear. Using that part of ourselves that is ready to give our child that physical help, picking them up, stopping them, putting the object away, helping them move off their sister. From a place of confidence in ourselves and not being surprised by the behavior. Being ready.
This is a huge adjustment for the whole family when another baby is born. I’m sure I don’t have to tell this parent that. But maybe, especially, for the children, because they have to feel this massive change in their relationship with their parents. And then in the way that they’re viewed by their parents if we get into a cycle where they know they’re disappointing us. They hear us losing our temper or getting annoyed. That amplifies the discomfort and fear that they have and, yet, this commonly, commonly happens. Because no matter how conscious we are as parents and how committed we are to gentleness, we’re human also. And it’s going to be upsetting if our child is suddenly doing upsetting things and we can’t seem to reach them.
So, reach him physically. But from a place of being confident about what you’re doing.
So, what this dad is doing is wonderful. He’s acknowledging, saying things like, “I see that you want to do that,” and talking to him about the behavior, explaining his expectations, trying to understand his child’s perspective. Those are all part of connecting with our child. But they can’t replace setting limits.
Our children need more and, sometimes, with the explanations it can be a little too much. Really, what we need to be respectful (as these parents obviously are towards their children) is just to very briefly explain: “I can’t let you. That’s not safe. I see, yeah, you want to pull your sister around the house. I’m going to stop you right there. I can’t let you grab her that tightly. And sounds like she’s saying no. So I’m going to stop you.”
And then gently preventing him from doing that. Having your hand in between them. Taking his hands off of her. Helping him when you can see that he’s gone over the edge.
So, if we get into too much explaining, it becomes us trying to reason with and, there, we’re actually not going to connect with our child, because our child has just gone to this unreasonable place and now we’re trying to connect with them in a way that they just can’t, they can’t get. At another time your child can get this, but when he’s in those moments, he can’t.
So briefly noticing and acknowledging the “I can see you want to do that” part that this dad mentions. Wonderful. While you’re doing that I would already be stopping him. Maybe even stop him before that. And then say, “Oh yeah, I see, you want to do that. That’s not safe.” Or, “I can’t let you.” Or, “I’m going to help you stop.”
This dad mentions that one of the options that they’ve tried is removing him from the situation. He says, “What is the positive parenting method of dealing with a child where removing them from the situation does nothing?”
Removing him all the way from the situation is a little bit of overkill. It comes off as I just can’t handle you right now. And you’ve really gone overboard. And that’s quite appropriate when a child has really gone overboard and you can see that they’re just completely gone and they’re wreaking havoc everywhere. Then, yeah, sometimes we have to take that extreme approach of “oh, you’re just not safe here right now. You’re showing me. I see you. I’m going to help you in here because I’ve got to go do this. And I need you to be safe.”
But, if we use that for these little smaller normal incidences, then it’s not going to give our child the message that we want to give them that, hey, we’ve got a handle on this. You’re not throwing anything at us that we don’t at some level expect and understand. And we want to see you asking us for help and we’re going to be there.
And both parents ideally have to do this. Children are very clear also in that if maybe one parent is doing it, but the other one isn’t then they kind of have to keep going to get that help from that parent. They need both their leaders to be solid and comfortable in their role and understanding of the child, so that they can feel safe and feel a little more settled. And then when children are more settled there’s less of the behavior.
So that’s our goal in everything we do. Our goal is a safe settled child who feels understood and that we’re there to help whenever he needs us, as much as possible.
So, climbing on his mom’s back and shoulders, now that’s obviously going to be a difficult one to handle in the moment. It does, again, make a lot of sense.
Look at me here. I see you busy with that baby. I’m not comfortable with what’s going on. How are you going to handle me?
Those questions are coming up for him and it’s going to be very hard for this mom, obviously, with a newborn, to receive that with empathy in a way that’s helpful to him. That’s going to be very hard. We do our best. But all of these things happen less when we are taking care of the big picture of being the kind of leaders that help him feel safer and more settled.
So, in that actual moment I think I would, with her body as best as she can, while still holding the baby, get him off. If he keeps doing it and there’s somebody else there that can move him away, that would be good. “Oops. I see you can’t handle this with your mom right now.”
Another thing I would do is close the door if you need to be privately with the baby. Say you’re putting the baby to bed or changing a diaper and he’s showing you that he can’t handle that. Then, not from a punitive place, but from a place of you’re showing me you really can’t be safe with me right now and I need to do this. A place of confidence that it’s okay to give him that physical barrier when you need to.
And then what children often do is scream outside the door or they bang on the door and, right there, he’s having a really healthy release and tantrum about what’s going on, letting some of that fear out. So if we’re doing it from a place of love, then the feelings our child has in response, even if they seem terrible to us, are very positive. That’s the release that will, again, help him to feel more settled. But we’ve got to do it with acceptance of him and, not necessarily empathy in that moment but, an overall attitude of empathy towards him.
So, the main message I want to get across to these parents is don’t be afraid to step in physically. Children need a lot of physical care from us. That’s one of the ways they feel our love. And it’s not just when we’re hugging and cuddling and doing those things that feel clearer to us as loving. It’s in these other moments where we’re using a gentle but firm hand to help him when he needs help. Perceiving it that way and responding with that perception that we have. So I hope some of that helps and clarifies.
Also, please checkout some of my other podcasts at janetlansbury.com. website. They’re all indexed by subject and category so you should be able to find whatever topic you’re interested in. And remember I have books on audio at Audible.com, No Bad Kids, Toddler Discipline Without Shame and Elevating Child Care, A Guide To Respectful Parenting. You can also get them in paperback at Amazon and an ebook at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Apple.com.
Also I have an exclusive audio series, Sessions. There are five individual recordings of consultations I’ve had with parents where they agree to be recorded and we discuss all their parenting issues. We have a back and forth that for me is very helpful in exploring their topics and finding solutions. These are available by going to sessionsaudio.com and you can read a description of each episode and order them individually or get them all about three hours of audio for just under $20.
Thanks for listening. We can do this.