In a recent RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class, a 10 month old infant presented vivid examples of self-directed, active learning through independent play and, thankfully, I had the camera rolling. Watch this baby developing gross and fine motor skills, problem solving, experimenting with objects, movement and sound (notably endearing vocals in this case). You see his long attention span (each play segment was edited for length) and sense him taking pride in his accomplishments.

Here are some things to note in the video…

Problem solving

The boy solves the first problem successfully when he realizes he needs two hands to pick up the blue ball. Later he struggles to separate two plastic baskets and isn’t able to, but notice how unbothered and unstressed he is! He just moves on to something else. Children are not easily discouraged and don’t expect to resolve every issue unless they are accustomed to adults fixing things for them.

Motor skills

Babies need plenty of opportunities to initiate the natural development of motor skills as this boy does through manipulation of the ball, car, jar, bottle, etc. You also see him crawling, sitting, practicing standing (and getting down again) and taking some first steps (!) by pushing the chair and the bottle.

Sounds

Babies experiment with vocalizations and sounds they make with objects, and often mimic or echo sounds they hear. If you listen closely you’ll notice this boy repeating the tapping sounds another child is making.

Intervention

There is only one unsafe item in the RIE classroom, and the babies are (of course) drawn to it. It’s a floor seat (called a BackJack) with a metal frame that can fall on a baby when a parent isn’t sitting on it. Watch how a mom (not the baby’s) sensitively and respectfully handles the floor seat issue, validating rather than discouraging the baby’s exploration. I have the most amazing parents in my classes!

Responses

While observing children engaged in independent play, my goal is to be responsive while taking care not to interrupt. The way I usually gauge a non-intrusive response is to wait for the baby to initiate it. So, when the baby looks towards me or talks to me I say something about what he’s doing. In this video you’ll see some examples, including me starting to say “I hear that sound”, but then changing my mind midstream and inventing a new word, no doubt causing linguistic confusion for this adorable boy for many years to come.

Okay, on with the video…

Please share your observations!

So, why rain on this innocent parade and suggest not walking babies?

1.  Body wisdom

“Only a baby knows just the way his joints should align,” notes Carol Pinto, a longtime RIE Associate, Feldenkrais practitioner and friend. In other words, when it comes to motor development, babies are self-learners — they really do know best. By holding a baby’s hands to mobilize him, position and reposition his body, we hinder his natural ability to find balance, sense spatial relations, and judge what he can and cannot do.  Better to trust our babies to walk when they are ready, and by doing so encourage mental and physical awareness.

2.  Safety

Awareness and safety go hand-in-hand, and walking babies makes them less aware — gives them a false sense of balance and of their abilities — which can be dangerous.  (In Don’t Stand Me Up I describe an unfortunate incident at our home involving my unwitting husband and a friend’s toddler who was accustomed  to being walked down steps.) But babies who are given freedom to move and develop in their own way gain a self-knowledge that keeps them safer. Their inner sense of balance and judgment intact, movements are carefully calculated, and they tend to make fewer reckless moves. In a 1971 study on natural gross motor development at the Pikler Institute (as reported in The RIE Manual) researchers described the children’s movements as “well-coordinated, economical and cautious”. They also noted that “the children, without exception, attained age-appropriate skills.” 

3.  Habits, dependencies 

Walk babies, and they’ll probably want to do it again and again. Not only does this create an unhealthy dependence on an adult for body balancing, it makes a habit of an activity that the baby will likely be much more interested in continuing (and doing far more often) than we are. Babies are extremely fond of repetition. And, personally, I’m not fond of having more situations with babies where I have to say, “No”. Babies who are not walked or otherwise positioned never ask to be.

4.  Parent’s backache

Enough said.

5.  Thwarts independent play

The walking habit creates an unnecessary and unproductive dependency on the adult for entertainment. Engaging the parent to repeat the activity becomes a distraction when the child could be happily working on developing motor skills his way, or engaged in other more educational, creative and exploratory self-generated activities.

6.  Restrictive

Although we probably believe that our well-intentioned manipulation of a baby is helping him learn to move freely, we are actually restricting him (just as we do when propping him to sit and holding him to stand). Babies need lots of practice moving freely to attain new skills. It is best to encourage that freedom and trust them to be inner-directed. Only babies know what they are ready to do and what they’re working on.

7.  Loss of transitional movements

Researchers at the Pikler Institute also noted in their observation of the 722 children raised in this model orphanage (the only place that I’m aware of where natural gross motor development has been officially studied) that the children maintained a “stable high activity level during the whole period of learning new motor skills and changed their postures on average of at least once per minute. This indicates that a child restricted from moving freely is deprived of the long hours of exercising in transitional postures before mastering the next developmental skill.” (From The RIE Manual.)

These wonderful transitional postures are one of the striking differences I’ve seen over the years between babies who are allowed to develop without interference and those who aren’t.

There is an agile 7 month old boy in my new class who spends the majority of the class in perfect straddle splits when he isn’t sitting (a recent development) or scooting across the floor. The parents (neither of whom are dancers, gymnasts, or even circus performers) and I were marveling at him just last week, wondering if, and for how long he will maintain this astonishing flexibility.

Transitional postures are building blocks, each one having a distinct and valuable developmental purpose for our child. When we, however subtly, nudge our child to sit or walk, we believe we are helping, but the child ends up losing out on experiencing a healthier developmental process which includes the wide array of naturally strength-building postures.

8.  Trust + Mastery = Self-Confidence

Basic trust in our baby means allowing him to drive his development. When a baby feels our trust and is allowed to experience his appropriate self-chosen struggles and then eventually to own his independent accomplishments (like walking), self-confidence is nurtured. Instead of, “Now I can finally do it without daddy’s hands holding me.” It’s “Wow, look what I can do!”

9.  I’m enough

When we’re dating, everyone wants to know when we’ll be married. Then we get married and it’s, “When are you having a baby?” Then, “Is the baby smiling? Sitting? Walking? Talking? When are you having baby number 2?” Why is it so hard for us to appreciate what’s going on right now?

Babies need to know that they are appreciated, enjoyed and loved for what they are able to do at this moment.  Generally, they never need our help for the basics like sitting, standing and walking. Our interference only confuses the process, and in many ways corrupts it. They really don’t need our help, as much as we’re driven to give it. As Magda Gerber writes in Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect, “If infants are ready to do something, they will do it. In fact, when they are ready, they have to do it.”

Here is my next question: I’m trying to get this right, and observing my baby carefully really does help to figure out what he’s crying about. But I’m unsure how to handle his cries after he trips or loses balance.

The environment he plays in is safe, but I wonder sometimes if he’s crying more out of being scared, or frustrated, than actual pain.

I started doing this… I will go right up to him kneel down and rub his back and say “I’m sorry you fell, can I help you?” I pull out my arms and let him climb up to me. He usually pushes me away and goes on his way, but crying still. On one occasion he climbed up on me and rested a minute then resolved and went on.

I feel awkward; I don’t know what I should be doing. What I used to do before is pick him up, give him some water and show him his favorite book. I now feel like it wasn’t helping him cope or grow from the experience.

I’m not good at listening to crying. I usually know what he wants, that he’s scared or tired, or hungry. I’ve been really good about it, but to hear his displeasure is just not comfortable for me, especially when he’s just frustrated and struggling to learn.

He has been a powerhouse of milestones these past few days, he crawled out of nowhere, learned to sit up from laying down, took his first steps, ran straight to the front door!

It would be great if you can give some scenarios of infants tripping falling and crying, and how it’s handled exactly, what to say and do?

How about just frustration, crying about a toy being too far, and frustration trying to figure out how to get there? My son is so angry that he can’t walk he will literally stand somewhere, hang on with a few fingers and scream that he’s scared to let go, and that I should come and be his walker. So what I’ve been doing is sitting down and saying, “Noah, try to sit on the floor and crawl to it.” His bottom will go up and down a few times while he’s deciding and then he’ll sit and actually crawl to it. I’m not sure if this is right, I don’t know if this is interfering too much? Can I give suggestions how to ease his discomfort?

Like when he’s teething, and frustrated, can I suggest he try to find a toy to use? Can I suggest he look one way or another? Or should I just let him be frustrated and cry and figure out on his own?

I have been doing a combination, but I am really convinced that his frustration has led to major development, and I’m truly amazed. But it’s hard to listen to the displeasure and frustration. Should I even be talking and when should I be talking?

Shana, what you are doing here sounds perfect: “I will go right up to him kneel down and rub his back and say ‘I’m sorry you fell, can I help you?’ I pull out my arms and let him climb up to me.”

You are acknowledging him and giving him the opportunity to let you know what he needs, but also allowing him to have his feelings. Feelings do not always make sense, or even seem appropriate… they are just feelings. And, yes, they can be the hardest things for moms and dads to hear, but it is such a gift to let your boy have his feelings, to cry as he needs to without trying to fix him, distract him, or otherwise take the feelings away.

Pat yourself on the back for allowing him to cry when he needs to, no matter the reason. Calm yourself when he cries and find the patience to let him express his feelings until they pass completely. Support him to have all his feelings. Then he doesn’t have to stuff any of his emotions for therapists to unravel later.

Example: Your baby is taking steps, trips and falls. Wait to see his reaction before doing anything. Often, babies get right up and go on if we don’t react. If he cries, go close to him (no rush), kneel and say calmly, “You tripped on that block and fell. I saw what happened.” Help him understand what occurred. (If you do this he’ll soon start pointing to the ground and going over each incident afterwards. Infants and toddlers take an interest in everything that happens and are eager to learn and understand.) If he keeps crying, reach out and ask if he wants you to hold him. Take your cues from him.

“My son is so angry that he can’t walk he will literally stand somewhere hang on with a few fingers and scream that he’s scared to let go, and that I should come and be his walker. So what I’ve been doing is sitting down, saying, ‘Noah, try to sit on the floor and crawl to it.’”

You are right to not “be his walker” — that only gives him a false sense of balance, creates a dependency and can be dangerous (when he thinks he can do things he can’t). Acknowledge his frustration, but don’t assume his intention. Sometimes we project what we think a child is doing, and we’re wrong.

“I hear you. Were you moving to that toy? Do you feel stuck? Can you get back down yourself? I won’t let you fall.” (All spoken slowly.) Then ‘spot’ him so he doesn’t fall. If he still seems stuck, give a little more instruction… “Try bending your knees. Can you let go of the shelf? I won’t let you fall.” The idea is to let him solve the problems as much as he possibly can. It takes more patience than handing him the toy but has big pay-offs — a child who is tenacious, feels capable and self-confident.

Don’t distract. Ever. We want to encourage children to be attentive, engaged, present. And we want to have a relationship based on honesty and trust.

If he’s teething, offer him not one, but two teethers so he can still be the initiator and choose. “Would you like one of these for your mouth?”

You are so right about frustration leading to development. And imagine how great it is for him to learn from you that frustration is just a part of life – it is not to be feared or fixed. As infant specialist Magda Gerber always said, “If we can learn to struggle, we can learn to live.”

This Q & A is a recent exchange from the community forum. Please feel free to ask your own questions (if it’s bothering you, it’s guaranteed to be bothering someone else, too) or join our current discussions on topics including: independent infant play, holiday traditions and origins, elimination communication, and (always a favorite) toddler pre-sleep meltdowns.

Add comments or questions here, too!

Mike agreed to respond to a question from Andrea in my Comments section regarding the post Don’t Stand Me Up, where I encourage allowing children to develop gross motor skills naturally, independent of adult manipulation.

Andrea wrote: 

“Yes! This is exactly what I have always known in my heart. Leave the childen alone to figure it out for themselves. The animal kingdom has many lessons for us, but we ignore them.  

Question? How do I deal with my husband? He’s a very normal male type and wants to raise our 2 year old in a ‘manly’ way. It’s all about his physical development, and my husband thinks he can advance our son’s coordination by teaching him to walk — like that is possible. It is very frustrating, and I don’t want to argue, if you know what I mean. It makes him happy. What do you think?” – Andrea

Mike’s Response:

Andrea – I hope you won’t feel slighted hearing from a student rather than the teacher, but you can be sure that anything I write has been carefully vetted by Janet. Very. Carefully.   

A couple of caveats: 1) All I know about parenting I learned through clumsy experience or from Janet through osmosis. So, I am no expert in the art of fathering; 2) I would never presume to negotiate another couple’s parenting differences.

That said, I can speak honestly about my own learning curve as a typical, caring father who wants his kids to reach their full potential – intellectually, spiritually, and physically. Surely, this is basic instinct.

When we become dads for the first time, we are overwhelmed by the gift of parenthood, hyper aware of the responsibilities and the possibilities. As men, it’s difficult for us to just sit back and enjoy the miracle, because we are hard-wired to tinker – to reshape, re-jigger, improve and (above all) fix. Clearly, the baby has very little use for us. It’s all about mom. But we are driven to do something with this new project.  It’s as if we confuse our babies with a kitchen remodel.  

Like new mothers, most dads begin the parenting journey dazed and clueless. We have just produced (with an assist from the wife) the most perfect, pure, dynamically complicated creation imaginable. We’re in love and excited and terrified all at the same time, and there is no way we’re going to blow this gig. So, we want to roll up our sleeves and get busy. Though our child is perfect in every way, we can’t help ourselves – we are going to make that baby better.

These instincts compelled me to ‘help’ as my first child explored her physical potential. Nothing wrong with helping, of course, but I think where I (and other fathers) get into trouble is when helping becomes pushing, when we perceive physical development as life’s first competition. Our Pediatricians point to statistical charts — what’s above and below average for various developmental stages — and we consciously or unconsciously compare our kids to their peers.

My kid, average? Surely, she’ll be happier in life excelling. I know I’ll be happier. 

I’m proud of my kids. They are a reflection of me — everything that I am, and certainly everything I aspire to be. Naturally, it’s personally gratifying if they demonstrate advanced physical abilities.  As a new father, I assumed I could (and should) assist my girl in this area.  I imagined that I could accelerate her development, as if I could ‘teach’ her balance and coordination, to roll over, to walk and eventually run (really fast). While my intentions for her may have been good, I understand now that my motives were misguided. I wanted her to excel, to perform beyond age-appropriate measures (to impress her doctor, maybe?), and to give her a better shot at the 2010 World Cup team.

I’ve read about elite athletes like Tiger Woods and Andre Agassi receiving hand/eye training from their fathers in the crib (!). Like science projects. I’ve also read that Tiger and Andre never felt that they had lived up to their fathers’ expectations. I’m thinking that if Tiger had been allowed to mature naturally — maybe play basketball, ping pong, skateboard — and he wasn’t introduced to a golf ball until he was 16, he would still be Tiger Woods. Same power, same concentration, same ability, same package. Maybe he’d even have avoided his current personal crisis (I know, off topic — but integrity is something we can teach our kids very early on by modeling).

What I know today through experience (and the gift of Janet’s modeling) is that every infant progresses physically in his own way, and in his own time. This is Nature’s expertise, not mine. Obviously, a child who is developmentally disabled presents an exception. But by tinkering with any stage of our kids’ natural development, we risk undermining the next. For most infants and toddlers, tricks like rolling over, crawling and eventually walking do not need to be taught. Sorry, dads, but our babies really don’t need us in that way, and we need to stifle our impulse to facilitate. Turns out our kids are quite capable in this area without us, and our interference can actually put our child at physical risk (more on that cryptic note here).

The good news is that there will be glorious years ahead when our time spent as a mentor, role model, coach and friend will be invaluable, indelible, precious and very much appreciated.

That’s all I know.

I know Mike would LOVE to hear your comments.

These are children who are less physically self-assured than they might be for one simple reason: their motor skills are not being allowed to develop naturally.

Infant expert Magda Gerber, the founder of RIE, advised parents to trust an infant to do what his body is able to do, and to give the child time to achieve the next physical milestone when he is ready, without adult interference. Unfortunately, this central tenet of the RIE approach to child care runs counter to society’s conventional wisdom. Doctors, friends and neighbors inadvertently make us feel that our child’s motor skills must advance as quickly as possible. They ask if our child is sitting, crawling, standing or walking yet, and we worry that there may be something terribly wrong if the answer is ‘no.’

Parents should relax in the knowledge that each infant’s development is directed by his unique inborn timetable. Infants will always do what they are capable of doing and are naturally wired to advance their physical abilities independently. They never hold back. An infant who is given ample opportunity to move freely on his back will discover ‘tummy time’ on his own. Eventually he learns to roll to his back again. He then progresses to crawling, creeping, sitting, standing, climbing, walking, running and jumping, all without the need for parental prompting, propping or other intrusion. As Magda Gerber said: “Readiness is when they do it.”

There are countless benefits to giving a child ownership over the pace of his gross motor development. For one, he gains self-assurance, because each new skill is initiated and engineered by the child. The child will instinctively work to develop the muscle strength, flexibility and balance needed to achieve the next step. These children advance with a keen awareness of their physical capabilities. Magda Gerber reminded parents, “Earlier does not mean better.” She taught caregivers to appreciate the quality of a child’s movements, rather than rushing the speed of development.

Having observed infants for years, I can usually distinguish a toddler who was allowed to achieve his mobility freely from a child who was not. Magda Gerber was able to perceive these differences even in older children. Several years ago I met a young teacher named Leslie at a RIE conference who shared an account of Magda’s observational abilities during a visit to Leslie’s preschool. Some of the students at the school had been cared for in an infant center associated with RIE. To Leslie’s amazement, Magda was able to identify these children on the playground. Magda said that she recognized the RIE children by their agility and poise. Astounded, Leslie was compelled to attend the conference to learn more.

There is also a practical reason to permit infants to develop their abilities naturally: physical safety. ‘Safety’ is a word that attracts parents’ attention, and a child who develops his motor skills independently is much safer than one who is helped to sit, stand, or walk, held by the hand while going up or down stairs, or placed on a slide or climbing structure. Children will naturally seek balance, but when parents ‘help’, they give a false illusion of physical competence that can literally be dangerous.

My husband Mike encountered this brand of danger ‘head on’ when his friend, Joe, dropped by with his eighteen-month-old son Colin. The two dads talked for a while on our front porch, then Joe went inside to use the bathroom. Mike stood beside Colin, who was walking towards the brick steps leading to the lawn. Having raised three children who would never attempt to walk down steep steps at that stage (but might crawl down, or find some other way), Mike was blindsided by what happened next.

In a flash, Colin made a move to walk down the steps without even a gesture towards Mike’s available hand! He took a header, and when Joe returned a moment later he found his son in tears and sporting a trophy-sized, egg-shaped lump expanding on his forehead. Of course, Mike felt terrible (and his baby-sitting career was finished), but Colin’s parents contributed to this incident by habitually assisting him when he took steps. ‘Helping’ Colin along rather than allowing him to find his balance and his own safe methods of mobility put him in danger, because it gave him an inflated sense of his physical ability.

This false sense of security is learned when adults place children atop ledges, slides, climbing structures, giant boulders, or almost anything, and then help them to get down again. The child may believe he can get down by himself (after all, it was easy enough to get up), or he might reach out, expecting to be helped, and end up falling. The general rule is this: if a child can climb up by himself, he should be relatively safe climbing down again, and the child should be given the opportunity to practice both maneuvers. The adult should stay close and ‘spot,’ but not touch or help the child.

If a child is stuck in a place that he has climbed to himself, the best way to proceed is to talk him through getting unstuck in a soothing voice, or take the smallest possible action to help. (For example: helping a child to un-wedge his leg from between two bars so that he can then climb down.) The child who is allowed to work through the problem as autonomously as possible will learn the most from the experience. Quite often, the child who has had a frustrating and difficult time getting down from the climbing structure in my class will then immediately climb up to attempt it again.

There is joy in observing a child persevering to overcome physical challenges and discovering and mastering new forms of mobility. In my RIE parenting class, seven-month-old Bianca spends much of the time in side-splits and has a flexible, spread-eagle style when maneuvering around the room. Jason lies on his back and does leg-lifts and torso lifts that any Pilates teacher would envy. Audrey crawls agilely down a set of wooden steps head first. Alex walks down a ramp, trips, falls and gets up again. Sophie climbs into a wooden box and struggles to climb back out. She finally gets out by placing her hand on my shoulder as I crouch next to her. Predictably, she climbs back into the box.

These self-initiated learning experiences are infinitely more beneficial to a child’s development than a parent’s efforts to ‘teach.’ After all, if we look to the animal kingdom for models of the physical abilities we most admire — do gazelles, leopards and monkeys need to be taught how to move?

A trusted child “learns to do something on his own, to be interested, to try out, to experiment. He learns to overcome difficulties. He comes to know the joy and satisfaction that is derived from his success, the result of his patience and perseverance.” – Dr. Emmi Pikler, Peaceful Babies – Contented Mothers.

For more about natural gross motor development, please read Set Me Free.