Observing infant and toddler interactions over the years, I’ve learned that babies have volumes to teach us about getting along with others, if we can just stay out of their way and let them.

Please watch the struggle in this video without any preconceived notions about play, manners, sharing, who-had-it-first. I think you’ll see that toddlers are not only capable problem solvers, they are ingenious, tenacious, accepting and forgiving.

Notes about interventions in this video:

1. Beginning around this age, I gently try to encourage the children to use language (like “no”) with each other, so they will be less inclined to hit or push (or allow themselves to be hit or pushed).

2. At RIE, we don’t believe in using a blaming tone when there is conflict, so that children don’t identify themselves as victims or aggressors. Instead, we ‘sportscast’ the situation non-judgmentally and matter-of-factly. Infants and toddlers are just learning and experimenting, and we want to give them the confidence to continue to do so. 

3. Wish I would have said something to the little girl when she looked at me, something like, “You were both holding the roller and now he has it.” Or, “Yes, I saw what happened.” Or maybe, “Yes, I’m making a movie.” Honestly, I think I was afraid of interrupting something I was excited to share with you all, but she looked like she was asking for a response. I learn a lot watching these videos!

Educational experiences like this one are possible when we:

Provide a safe play space with communal toys (rather than personal ones) and allow children to interact with a small group of others of a similar age.

Fulfill basic needs. Obviously, toddlers who are hungry, thirsty, tired or otherwise uncomfortable won’t have the same interest in, or ability to face, social challenges.

Observe attentively and quietly. Children will play and interact when parents are talking, but it’s less likely and probably won’t go as smoothly. Babies are sensitive to the noise level, think more clearly and feel safer with each other when they have our quiet attention.

Physically intervene only when children might hurt each other and when doing so model gentleness. Our actions speak louder than our words.

State the conflict for the children non-judgmentally with an even-tone to help them understand what is happening and let them know you understand and are paying attention.

Provide an atmosphere of trust – believe the children capable of handling their squabbles. In my experience (and as demonstrated in the video), the children that “take” the most are invariably the ones who “give” the most. Children this age don’t understand the concepts of “sharing” or “ownership”, and when we try to teach them those things, we tend to discourage play and learning. Our interruptions put the brakes on valuable social exchanges and leave toddlers with the message that they’re incapable of interacting with their peers.

In these first couple of years, babies are innocently looking for a way to engage, just trying to figure out how to play together. There are going to be plenty of struggles, clumsy exchanges and blunders along the way.  But our babies won’t be inclined to judge the situation or each other, they’ll just be glad to be there.

Following the RIE approach, we start with the least amount of help and intervention and then slowly increase it.  We do expect and trust that even infants eventually learn most by working out conflicts all by themselves.  If every time adults jump in and bring in their version of what is right, the children learn either to depend on them or to defy them. The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve. –Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect

(If you’re interested in forming a RIE-inspired playgroup in your neighborhood, please join our community and list your city!)

Watch these babies observe and imitate each another, engaging momentarily and then separating again. See how, at the end of the video, the boy seems to be trying to hold his new friends attention, get the party started.  Note how unconcerned these children are when they don’t get the play object they seem to want, even when it is taken from their hands. Left to their own devices, they usually amaze us by working things out better than we ever could.

This is the way babies choose to play together, and when we allow them this freedom, they are thoroughly entertained, enriched, stimulated and inspired by each other’s company.

Social “baby steps” like these are made possible by…

Safe, enclosed play spaces and safe, simple, lightweight toys so that the babies can explore freely and the adults are able to relax, observe and enjoy them rather than worry or interrupt because of safety issues.

The close observation of a nearby adult, who intervenes only when necessary, provides boundaries for physical safety between the children and lends emotional support.

Parents and caregivers who support and cultivate the joyful habit of self-directed play by providing plenty of opportunity for play each day. 

A familiar environment with consistent expectations

The emotional security we provide by giving undivided, one-on-one attention during care-giving activities, i.e., feeding, diapering, bathing, and bedtime rituals

Parents and caregivers who trust infants to be social self-learners

Note: Since the initial interactions between these boys (captured in the video), they continue to be drawn to each other in class every week. I’m looking forward to sharing a Baby Buddy Movie sequel soon!

Please share your impressions…

In a recent RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class, a 10 month old infant presented vivid examples of self-directed, active learning through independent play and, thankfully, I had the camera rolling. Watch this baby developing gross and fine motor skills, problem solving, experimenting with objects, movement and sound (notably endearing vocals in this case). You see his long attention span (each play segment was edited for length) and sense him taking pride in his accomplishments.

Here are some things to note in the video…

Problem solving

The boy solves the first problem successfully when he realizes he needs two hands to pick up the blue ball. Later he struggles to separate two plastic baskets and isn’t able to, but notice how unbothered and unstressed he is! He just moves on to something else. Children are not easily discouraged and don’t expect to resolve every issue unless they are accustomed to adults fixing things for them.

Motor skills

Babies need plenty of opportunities to initiate the natural development of motor skills as this boy does through manipulation of the ball, car, jar, bottle, etc. You also see him crawling, sitting, practicing standing (and getting down again) and taking some first steps (!) by pushing the chair and the bottle.

Sounds

Babies experiment with vocalizations and sounds they make with objects, and often mimic or echo sounds they hear. If you listen closely you’ll notice this boy repeating the tapping sounds another child is making.

Intervention

There is only one unsafe item in the RIE classroom, and the babies are (of course) drawn to it. It’s a floor seat (called a BackJack) with a metal frame that can fall on a baby when a parent isn’t sitting on it. Watch how a mom (not the baby’s) sensitively and respectfully handles the floor seat issue, validating rather than discouraging the baby’s exploration. I have the most amazing parents in my classes!

Responses

While observing children engaged in independent play, my goal is to be responsive while taking care not to interrupt. The way I usually gauge a non-intrusive response is to wait for the baby to initiate it. So, when the baby looks towards me or talks to me I say something about what he’s doing. In this video you’ll see some examples, including me starting to say “I hear that sound”, but then changing my mind midstream and inventing a new word, no doubt causing linguistic confusion for this adorable boy for many years to come.

Okay, on with the video…

Please share your observations!

Note the baby’s choice to roll on the floor while she plays with the colander, even though she has attained more “advanced” motor milestones like sitting.  This physical versatility, fluidity of movement and general sense of comfort in one’s skin are apparent in babies who have been allowed unrestricted movement, given lots of floor time, and trusted to move when ready from the back position.

Please share your impressions!

(Filmed during a RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class in Los Angeles)

We got a very un-RIE gift — Penguin Race – and here’s what happened. Mia really loved it, and then she tried to break it. These mechanical penguins climb stairs and then slide/luge down a big slide, then climb the stairs again. It’s cute, noisy, fun to watch, but that is all there is to do… watch. She kept asking to “play” with it, and then every time the play would end with her throwing it on the ground, against the wall and saying “I’m breaking it.” Then we’d reprimand her for treating her things poorly. When I realized, it was happening over and over, I started to feel bad that we were reprimanding her so sternly. I don’t want her throwing things, but maybe it was stimulating her without giving her a release of doing anything… I’m not really sure… except for one thing, it’s put it away for good. 

I’m curious what you think… I found it on Amazon here.

Thanks,                                                                                                                                                                                                        Nicole

Hi Nicole,

I’m not sure why Mia would be so intent on destroying that toy either, but it sounds like it might have quickly developed into a source of negative attention, since you reacted so sternly. Her behavior got a rise out of you and became a test she was compelled to repeat. Aren’t the toddler years fascinating!

Mia (2 ¾) is old enough to know that some toys have rules attached to them, but when you enforce those rules, don’t forget to stay calm, kind, matter-of-fact and unemotional. Project confidence when you say, “Hmm… You’re being too rough with that toy. I can’t let you throw the penguin game (or rip up a book, throw a toy truck, etc.). If you can’t use it gently, I’m going to put it away”. If she continues to behave inappropriately with the toy say, “You are having a hard time playing with this gently and safely. I’m putting it away”.

Then she’s allowed to disagree with your decision, which might mean she’ll cry, scream, or have the tantrum that may have been brewing for a while anyway. Remain calm. She needs the release.

These kinds of situations are not something you need to get mad or stern about…you are in charge. She probably took you by surprise the first time, so you overreacted. When we “react” or respond too sternly, it gives our insightful toddlers the message that we aren’t in control. And although our toddlers won’t admit it, they want and need us to be. They are growing and changing rapidly and depend on us to be stabilizers.

When we respond like confident leaders, our children breathe a sigh of relief. They need to test us repeatedly to be assured of our boundaries for them and know that they are given consistently, effortlessly, patiently and out of love.  Then, safe and secure, toddlers are free to carry on doing their job — playing, exploring, learning (and most likely testing some more) with insatiable curiosity and exuberance.

Please give me any updates, penguin or otherwise!

Warmly,                                                                                                                                                                                              Janet

Do you have any toy successes or failures to share? Please do!

Additional thoughts…

Safety first. Infants and toddlers need gated-in areas so that they can play safely and feel free to explore without interruptions. We can put our minds at ease (and even go to the bathroom on our own, imagine!) when our baby is left to enjoy a safe and secure place.

As a substitute for the baby sofa you see here, use an inflatable wading pool (granted, easier to find in the summer than the winter) and line it with a blanket and a couple of firm pillows.

Infants 2-3 months of age and younger don’t need toys. They usually aren’t able to grasp yet, and are absorbed with examining their miraculous hands.

Instead of showing your baby new toys, wait, and allow the toys to be discovered.

This play space is much bigger and busier than necessary for a home setting. I was trying to include as many open-ended toy examples as possible.

This is just a small sampling of the types of objects that infants enjoy exploring. I’m hoping parents, RIE enthusiasts, child care professionals, and others who read here will share their favorite ‘play object’ ideas.

As someone who once made a living acting, doing commercials and voice-overs, I’m a little embarrassed by how rusty I’ve become. My blooper narration reel includes, “And here are some balls…all shapes and sizes.” (And we won’t even mention the camera work.)

For examples of babies in action using these toys, please see the videos posted in Shhh…Babies Playing 

In all the years I’ve observed infants and toddlers, I’m still surprised each week by the creative new uses they find for objects in their environment. I never tire of watching babies explore. Create a space for your baby and prepare to enjoy!

My son is 28 months, and this is the first year I think he’ll have a lot of questions about Christmas.  My parents are already asking what Santa should bring him, and it’s prompted me to think about how I might position this mythical character in a developmentally appropriate way that embraces the spirit of Santa, doesn’t feel like I’m lying to him or that I will have to burst his bubble later!  I’d also love to know if you know of any books that illustrate what you recommend.  He’s SO into books lately, and we found a very cute book about Halloween that I think really helped him and us. 

I’d love to know your thoughts on this!

Many thanks and keep up the amazing work!

Mary

Thanks, Mary!

I would frame Santa as a magical, mythical character. Yes, as the legend goes, Santa lives at the North Pole, drives a sleigh with flying reindeer and sometimes brings gifts, but who can be sure? No one’s ever seen him, and we never know for certain if he’ll come. Those bearded guys in the mall are just nice men pretending (or Santa’s helpers). And you don’t have to sit on Santa’s lap if you don’t want to.

Keeping Santa a fluid, evolving fantasy is more honest and less scary for toddlers than the reality of a home invader jumping down the chimney in the middle of the night in big black boots. (One of my nephews was terrified of the big guy he called “Ho Ho”.)

Others might disagree, but I don’t believe encouraging fantasy and holiday magic conflicts with an honest relationship with our children. I don’t remember ever feeling my “bubble burst” as a child, only more appreciation for my parents’ generosity. I believe my older children, now 18 and 13, had a similar “transition”, and my 9 year old just made a letter for Santa. None of them has ever questioned details or asked for proof. Maybe they’re too smart for that.  Why question magic, joy and gifts?

Share your memorable childhood experiences. Some of my favorites are the silly things that happened while caroling every Christmas Eve with the neighborhood children; or the way, in our eager anticipation of  Christmas day, we’d push the walls inside our house to make the world turn faster (now I’m pushing in the opposite direction to make it slow down).  Holidays are an opportunity to share what we loved with our children, relive memories and make new traditions, the richest of which will be the ones created together spontaneously.

For Christians, Jesus’ birth is the magical story to share, and it was at least as captivating for my toddlers as the Santa story, if not more so. They loved the music (and still do), sang along with the hymns and played angels and manger animals in the church pageant. For us, making the effort to focus on the true meaning of the Christmas holiday was important and provided balance for all the Santa festivities.

Here are a few more thoughts about enriching the holiday experience (or any experience) for toddlers:

Great expectations.

I’m so glad you brought up books.  Reading books and telling stories are terrific ways to involve our toddlers in new events and occasions, because they help them know what to expect. If there’s one thing Girl Scouts and toddlers have in common it’s the wish to be prepared, since through a toddler’s eyes the world is new and thrilling, but also a little overwhelming. In a big, mysterious world full of unknowns, toddlers like to know. Prepped for events with books and our detailed descriptions, they can feel a little on top of things and embrace experiences more fully. 

So, I would definitely show your son books and tell him all about your plans around Christmas. My favorite Santa books are classics that capture the Christmas spirit:

The Night Before Christmas

The Polar Express

How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Active involvement:

Toddlers want to do things themselves, and when we slow down and prioritize their active participation, the holidays can belong to them, too. This means keeping an eye out for things toddlers can do, or at least try to do. It means letting go of results and preconceived notions, allowing all the ornaments to be clumped in a foot long section at the bottom of the tree, not minding it when grandma hears all about her new bedroom slippers beforehand (because our toddler helped us wrap them), realizing that other things we thought mattered really don’t.  And don’t even bother asking a child under the age of 10 not to throw tinsel.

Toddlers can place money in the Salvation Army tin and drop gifts into the Toys for Tots bins (although it’s easier if it’s not a toy they would like.) Toddlers can also help come up with gift ideas for people they know…and will get a kick out of seeing them opened.

Toddlers love to make stuff. We’re blessed to have lots of beautiful ornaments, including expensive gifts and family heirlooms, but my all time favorite is one my daughter made at preschool when she’d just turned 3 (See photo above). I had already been planning to share about it here, and then while we were all decorating the tree recently, I was surprised to hear her exclaim, “It survived another year!” as she hung it on a low branch. 15 years later, I guess it’s still special to her, too.

Here are the instructions c/o Little River School:

• Large piece of aluminum foil that the children can bunch up themselves, squeeze and squeeze and shape into the ball.
• A bowl of Elmer’s glue  
• A paint brush
• Pipe cleaner
• Dip brush into glue and paint the entire ball.
• Sprinkle glitter or sequins. (Sometimes people have aversion to glitter, but if the children are carefully supervised they will not inhale or harm themselves, depending on the age of the children.)     
• They can use glitter or sequins of their choice and then allow it to dry. 
• The pipe cleaner hook is placed through the top of the foil.
• Hook to tree.

Keep it simple.

Ho, ho, ho, can’t even pretend to know much about this. Even though “do less, enjoy more” (à la Magda Gerber) is my usual mantra, and I’m well aware that toddlers are sensitive and absorb our moods, I have never figured out how to avoid becoming possessed by  Christmas holiday madness. So, here are some posts I’ll be turning to for inspiration to change my stressed, obsessed holiday ways:

The Holiday Season: Putting The Genie Back In the Bottle by Kim John Payne

Simple and Special by Amber Strocel

The Holidays With Young Children: Keeping It Simple by Dr. Heather

5 Steps To Cut Through The Holiday Crap by Erika Oliver 

I’ll only add one thought…one that you probably already know: toddlers play longer with simple toys that they can be creative with and actively explore. A set of blocks, a basket of balls, a box of stones (but not ones they can choke on), even a lump of coal can be just as intriguing as an electric train set.  And the gift they treasure most is the attention of their loved ones.

Merry Christmas, Mary!

Janet

P.S. Play music. Sing and dance.  A lot.

Do you have favorite holiday books, music, ideas for toddlers? Please share!

I’m so pleased to discover your blog. I’m slowly reading through it bit by bit. I came across it when I was searching for more information about Magda’s teachings. I have her book “Your Self-Confident Baby” and I find that your website adds a wealth of information to the book.

I have many parenting books and I tried the attachment thing, but ended up so tired every day that I was starting to resent being a mother and my baby girl is only 6 months! That was until I found the book and your website. It makes perfect sense!

I have a question I wanted to ask you. As I have only discovered this method a week ago I have already managed to buy whole lot of toys, some of them only a few days old, like a baby walker and a baby bouncer as well as some baby chairs and a baby swing from earlier. I now feel that I have wasted my money, but at the same time I don’t want to wastefully throw these toys away. Will there be much damage done if I let her use them (the brand new toys) for, let’s say, only about ½ hour per day, and not teach her about what the different buttons do, let her figure it out for herself ? Or do you think that this is counterproductive, and I should just be happy that I stopped spending money sooner rather than later? Also, what sort of objects or toys do you recommend for a 6 month old baby girl? Should I still use scarf and a ball? And should she have just one item at a time and a different item to explore each day? 

Many Thanks and Best Wishes,  

Carla                                                                                                                                                            

Hi Carla,

Thanks for your kind words about the blog. When I first learned about Magda Gerber’s child rearing approach I had a similar reaction. I was surprised and relieved to find a philosophy that so thoroughly appealed to my common sense. Respecting a baby’s innate abilities was in complete accordance with my instinct to trust nature. With my first baby turning 18(!) in a couple of weeks, I can say beyond all doubt that Magda’s guidance continues to make “perfect sense” and has had an unbelievably positive effect on all 3 of my children. Go for it!   

Magda Gerber believed in “busy babies rather than busy toys”. She suggested we keep toys simple so that our babies could investigate them thoroughly, use them imaginatively in multiple ways, and be encouraged to be active explorers. As she explains in Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect, “…entertaining kinds of toys (such as mobiles or, later on, wind-up toys or battery-operated items) cause a passive child to watch an active toy. This trains the child to expect to be amused and entertained and sets the scene for later TV watching,”

I would never call the push-button toys you bought “damaging”, but as you say, they are counterproductive. Even with your wonderful idea to allow your daughter to discover the buttons rather than showing her how they work, those kinds of toys can undermine independent play because they are mysterious, complicated, and babies are limited in their ability to investigate them.  Since our babies can’t make sense of those toys, they aren’t inclined to learn much from them either. If we want to encourage curiosity and learning, it’s better to provide simpler toys and objects and give our babies extended opportunities to choose what interests them and be enticed to examine those things further.

If you want to keep the new toys, my advice is to save them as an “ace in the hole” for a long car or airplane ride, a waiting room without an aquarium, or a particularly bleak late afternoon at home. That’s what I did with some of the “entertaining” toys that were given to me. (Admission: when my children were older, even much older, they flocked with glee toward baby toy aisles in Target or the toy store, finally able to experience the joy of all those magic buttons. It was a little odd.)

You also mention equipment like bouncers, swings, and seats, all of which restrict movement, encourage passivity, and undermine natural gross motor development according to the approach advocated by renowned pediatrician Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber.  They also inhibit independent play, because they require adult assistance. Your baby cannot be safely allowed to “explore” a swing without being placed in, strapped in and positioned. (For more, please read Set Me Free.)

Whatever we believe about parenting, we’re going to allow our babies to do things from time to time that we know are less than ideal, knowing that it’s the steady diet we provide for our children that matters most (not the occasional snack!) But we must also recognize that infants and toddlers are in the process of forming lifelong habits. It’s easiest to instill the habits we want for our children by practicing them regularly in the beginning. If we value natural gross motor development and independent, self-directed play and learning, it’s best not to place babies in swings, seats or bouncers, even for half an hour each day. Your baby will ultimately be occupied much longer playing in a safe space, moving freely, and actively engaging with simple objects than she will be with ‘entertaining’ toys and equipment that require assistance or intervention.

For your 6 month old baby, these toys (which Magda Gerber preferred to call “play objects”) can include cotton scarves, balls of all shapes and sizes, plastic chains and empty water bottles, stacking cups, bowls, colanders, wooden toys, inflatable beach balls slightly deflated for grasping, manipulatives, teething rings — almost anything that doesn’t have sharp edges, is safe to mouth, not heavy, not long enough to reach around a baby’s neck, and is too large to choke on.

A baby your daughter’s age needs only a few objects placed nearby and maybe a couple more that are beyond her reach. Make some the same each day and maybe change some up, too — babies appreciate familiarity more than we do. Allow her to choose what she wishes to grasp, rather than handing a toy to her. Then let her do what she chooses to do with the toy, and don’t interrupt while she uses it as long as she wishes.

If independent play is new for your daughter, she may take a little time to get used to it, but soon her play time will blossom. You’ll be glad you tried this.

Warmly,                                                                                                                                                                                      Janet

P.S. I sincerely hope that you can be happy you “stopped spending money sooner rather than later”. And I’m wondering…is there a resale store that might buy some of your brand new items?

At a RIE Conference several years ago a friend and I were presenting a workshop on infant and toddler play and attempted an audacious experiment. We asked another friend to bring her 15 month old daughter to the event, daring to hope that the baby might give a live demonstration of independent, self-directed play.

At least fifty pairs of eyes were on baby Tess as she sat in her mom’s lap on a large platform raised about a foot off the ground. A few feet away we had created a play area using the kinds of objects recommended by infant specialist Magda Gerber: balls of different sizes and types, empty plastic bottles and jars, a colander, an inflatable beach ring, plastic chains, a baby doll, wooden rings, etc.

Tess seemed to take in the audience that surrounded her — professional caregivers, educators, and parents — all of whom waited patiently and showed extreme respect. Could she find the comfort — the trust — to play in such an intensely non-therapeutic environment? Would her natural impulse to play trump any unease or tension?

To all of our amazement it did, and she did. After a couple of minutes, Tess left the safety of her mother’s lap, ventured slowly toward the toys, and proceeded to examine a wiffle ball, which she eventually placed in a large plastic jar. A few minutes later she moved on to investigating a pool ‘noodle’.

It was obvious to everyone watching that Tess was not performing or doing anything for the benefit of the audience. She was simply following her curiosity — exploring, inner-directed — as she was used to doing at home. This was living proof of the powerful, innate desire babies have to play. I doubt the attendees remembered much about the rest of our presentation, but they were buzzing all afternoon about baby Tess.

Play, especially when self-directed, is not only natural — it is vital for our children’s emotional health. Through play babies naturally develop physical and cognitive skills, stretch their imaginations, flex creative muscles, build resiliency and a strong sense of self. Play is the way babies learn best. How do we cultivate this inborn drive? At what age does play begin?

Independent play begins the first time an infant spends a comfortable moment awake in a position in which he or she is free to move. Babies are born ready to begin playing. All we have to do is recognize it, encourage it and trust.

Recognize.

As a new parent, my 3 month old firstborn must have known what I needed — not merely a lesson in recognizing infant play, but a revelation.

Following the direction of a RIE parenting instructor, I placed her on her back on a blanket near me and watched.  My needy, vocal baby, the one I’d been entertaining and engaging almost every moment she was awake, spent nearly two hours in this position, peaceful and content. She knew I was there, shot an occasional glance my direction, but didn’t seem to need a thing from me except, perhaps, my appreciative presence. And, oh, I was beyond appreciative.

When babies aren’t eating, sleeping, bathing, changing diapers, crying, burping, colicky or being cuddled, they are playing. In the first months, play might not look like much. But this is when it starts, and it needs cultivating. 

Encourage.

Although a baby a few weeks old may experience some moments of play on a bed or changing table while an adult is guarding her safety,  play is encouraged for more extended periods by providing a safe place or places in which our baby is not confined, propped or positioned – free to move to the extent she is capable. If a baby’s movement is restricted, or she is dependent on us or on a contraption to retain a position, ‘helped’ to roll or sit up, she becomes used to our intervention and continues to expect it.

Other parenting approaches encourage waiting until an infant can physically indicate a desire to move out of the parent’s arms or a carrier before providing opportunities for play. For me, waiting for an indication of readiness to play independently and move freely is like waiting for a baby to point to a book before ever reading to her. Our babies get used to whatever rituals we create. It is up to us to encourage the habits we believe healthiest.

In her NAEYC essay Babies On The Move, Rae Pica warns that confining babies for extended periods in car seats, carriers, highchairs, etc., may have serious consequences for both motor and cognitive development.  Recent neurological research confirms that infants need to move.

“Neurophysiologist Carla Hannaford, in her book Smart Moves: Why Learning Is Not All in Your Head, tells us that, beginning in infancy, physical movement plays a vital role in the creation of nerve cell networks that are actually the core of learning. She then goes on to relate how movement, because it activates the neural wiring throughout the body, makes the entire body—not just the brain—an instrument of learning.”

To encourage play we have to appreciate and respect it. Before interrupting a baby – no matter how kindly and lovingly we plan to engage her – it’s best to first stop, observe, and at least wait for our baby to look towards us.  We should always ask before picking her up, even if she is fussy.  If we open the door for our young infants to communicate by acknowledging them and asking, “You sound tired. Do you want me to pick you up?” they are encouraged to answer back by telling us, by lifting their arms to us, or not.

Trust.

It’s hard to trust infants to play independently, to be the “initiators, explorers and self-learners” that Magda Gerber taught us they are capable of being. We worry that we might not be doing enough. How can our tiny infants be ready to make choices, experience self-reliance…mastery? But if we are sensitive observers, tuned in and responsive to our babies’ physical and emotional needs, they will initiate play for short periods that grow in time. Our baby soon learns to alert us when she’s had all the independence she wants or can handle.

Alternatively, an insecure baby is incapable of the kind of self-assured, inner directed play demonstrated by Tess, my infant daughter and the many other babies I’ve observed over the years. If we want to encourage play, we have to take a leap of faith and begin by trusting our babies.

(In above photo — a baby playing on her one month birthday.)

The beauty is that it can be used creatively in multiple ways. Sometimes children use the brush as intended and sweep the corners of the room, or experiment with the ‘mechanics’ — fitting the brush into the pan by snapping the handles together, and removing it again. In a recent class, a toddler picked up the brush, exclaimed “paint…paint!”, and then proceeded to ‘paint’ the walls. Another day a boy used it to brush his hair, and when he went to brush his mother’s she gently said, “No, thank you.”

Most of us believe we should play with our toddlers and show them how things work. But if I had demonstrated, no matter how subtly, the ‘right’ way to use the sweeper and pan, the children would probably not have been encouraged to imagine the different uses this toy could have.  As a visiting grandmother commented during our discussion, “That is exactly what we’d be doing in an actor’s improv class.”