Rule #1: More often than not, struggles and conflicts we might perceive negatively are viewed by infants and toddlers through an entirely different lens. Here’s an example…

During a recent RIE Parent/Toddler Guidance Class, a 14-month-old girl stood holding a miniature blue rubber bowl in her hand and a red one in her mouth. A boy a couple of months older walked over and yanked the bowl out of her mouth. His action seemed so violent that I was sure the girl would be upset or, at least, complain, but I waited to gauge her reaction. She just looked at the boy with interest. Then the boy took a “sip” from the red bowl. The girl followed his lead, sipping from the blue bowl still in her hand. After this jovial toast they separated, moving on to other activities. A grandfather visiting that day had also witnessed the exchange, and we shared appreciative smiles. This would never have happened had I stopped the boy from taking the bowl or told him to give it back.

Through infant expert Magda Gerber, I’ve learned that observing sensitively, taking cues from our children, intervening as minimally as possible and allowing situations to play out can bring surprising, positive results.

To vividly demonstrate, here’s a new favorite video of mine depicting two types of toddler struggles. The first is a conflict of desires between two 21-month-old girls. Neither get’s upset. In fact, they seem to enjoy the mini-drama! See how the conflict ends triumphantly. The second is a struggle within this struggle in which a girl does get upset. Her screams might have compelled her mom to swoop in and scoop her up, but she instead remains calm and intervenes in a manner that allows her daughter to feel more able and successful. (All this in 2 minutes! No actors were hired.)

Experiences like these encourage children to develop:

Language – words like “blue”,  “box”, “sit down” and even abstract concepts like “right now” are understood and verbalized.

Social skills – communication, taking turns, self-control, delayed gratification.

Self-confidence and resiliency – I can do it (figure it out, handle it).  

Here are some guidelines for facilitating learning through healthy infant and toddler struggles:

1. If it looks like there might be a struggle or conflict developing, move closer as calmly and quietly as possible.

2. Observe and wait.

3. Keep children safe. Block any hitting, pushing, biting or hair pulling with your hand and say something brief and simple to the child like, “I won’t let you push. I see you want the toy. Joey is holding it now.” Be there to spot when children are struggling with a physical challenge–close enough to break a fall.

4. Reflect the situation evenly and non-judgmentally. “You both want the toy. You’re both holding onto it.”

5. Acknowledge the feelings you see. “You seem frustrated. It’s hard to get out of the box, isn’t it?” (By the way, the girl in the video had climbed out of the box twice on her own quite easily, so I knew she could do it.)

6. If children continue to struggle and intervention seems necessary, try doing just a little to help so the children can learn and accomplish more. For example, if two children are both determined to have a toy, first point out an identical one (but don’t hand it to them). Or if a child is physically struggling, give direction and a bit of help the way  the mom in the video does.

7. Reflect on the incident afterwards (if the child seems interested) to help her absorb, process and learn from it.

“Following the RIE approach, we start with the least amount of help and intervention and then slowly increase it. We do expect and trust that even infants eventually learn most by working out conflicts all by themselves. If every time adults jump in and bring in their version of what is right, the children learn either to depend on them or defy them. The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve.” –Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect  

Please share your impressions!

Through sensitive observation and a little practice, we can learn how to read our child’s cues and provide these responses without interrupting, interfering, directing. Simple, brief descriptions of the things we notice our baby experiencing (hearing, seeing, doing, etc.) encourage inner-directed play to continue and also teach language in the most age-appropriate, meaningful, effective way.  Soon these experiential language “lessons” feel perfectly natural for both of us.

But I’m afraid this may be sounding way more complicated than it is. This is far easier to demonstrate than to explain (for me at least). So, here are a few brief examples…

(Also in this video: a boy beginning to walk; infants interacting in what could be perceived as conflict, but looks to me like an attempt to play together; babies saying words that are a little hard to comprehend just yet, but are the beginnings of words just the same; undeniably brilliant children! No actors were hired.)

Letting babies know that we notice and understand (especially when they “ask” by verbalizing or making eye contact with us) encourages communication and language development, their awareness, trust in their instincts, and forges deeper bonds between us and our babies. What could be more gratifying than knowing that mommy, daddy, teacher, caregiver are not only watching, they’re sharing the child’s experience? And they get it.

But listening is a growing problem for young children to the extent that preschools are now finding it necessary to “teach” listening in some Pre-K programs. A parent recently left this comment on my post A Baby Ready For Kindergarten, College And Life:

“I was chatting with one of the teachers from the 4/5 room at my daughter’s preschool. I asked her what they do differently at that age. She said, ‘we don’t worry about letters or numbers per se in terms of kindergarten readiness. We want our kids to learn listening skills.’ She said that is what they need for kindergarten. She also said they do teach letters and numbers as well as art, music etc… but the goal in the older class is to get the kids to listen… the other stuff will come easily then.”

True, but troubling.  Why the need as early as preschool to try to “get kids to listen”? 

The typical baby is a born listener. In fact, a newborn baby’s auditory system is the most strongly developed of all the sensory systems. His hearing may be slightly impeded by fluid in his inner ear, but in his eagerness to engage he’ll work around that. Infants tune in to their parents’ voices from the womb and are highly motivated to continue doing so. Their survival depends on the ability to listen and learn to communicate needs. So, what happens between birth and kindergarten?

The answer is unclear, but here are some ways to ensure the development of healthy auditory skills…

Tell babies before you pick them up (and about everything else that’s going on in their immediate world).

This is probably the most simple and profoundly beneficial advice infant expert Magda Gerber offers, but it continues to be challenging for new parents. I think that’s because it feels unnatural, awkward and a little embarrassing (especially in front of other adults) to say “Now I’m going to pick you up” to someone who won’t be able to talk back for a long time. But once it becomes habit it seems bizarre NOT to do. And it is a habit so worth forming. It is not only respectful – because it teaches babies that we consider them worthy of knowing what’s going on — it also encourages attentive listening. Furthermore, it is the natural and best way for babies to learn language, because these words really matter to the child. In other words, engage your baby in…

Meaningful dialogue.

Babies love to be talked to, sung to, or receive our attention, period. But they are especially encouraged to keep listening when we focus our dialogue on important, pertinent things, like where babies are, what’s happening with their bodies, what they are touching, seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, etc. And don’t skimp on the details — they want to hear and know it all.

Create a peaceful atmosphere.

But that doesn’t mean we need to ramble or give a running commentary on our every thought. A generally peaceful environment encourages babies to tune in, whereas, too much auditory stimulation has the opposite effect. Babies are sensitive and easily over-stimulated.

Talk slowly and respectfully.

Babies are encouraged to listen when we speak slowly enough for them to at least begin to understand. And babies sense when they are being talked down to. They are more inclined to listen when they know that we are taking them as seriously as they take us.

Acknowledge sounds.

Especially when you sense your baby has heard the dog barking or the garbage truck, acknowledge and describe the sounds, “That dog barked loudly, didn’t he?  I heard it, too.”  And comment on the sounds he makes himself, “I hear you patting the wood floor.” The baby learns not only that words are meaningful, but so are other kinds of sounds.

Don’t talk about babies as if they don’t hear.

Parents will invariably have issues they need to bring up or stories to share in RIE Parent/Infant Classes regarding their babies. A baby as young as 3 or 4 months of age will, without fail, suddenly look at me when the parent begins talking about him. The child knows exactly what is going on. Either the parent or I (or both) will always acknowledge, “Your mommy’s telling me about you not sleeping well last night. You cried.” If we don’t include a baby in our conversation, especially when it pertains to him, we discourage his participation and his motivation to listen.

Minimize exposure to back end conversations.

Equally discouraging is constant exposure to one-sided conversations that are impossible for a baby to understand. Make phone calls while the baby sleeps or out of earshot whenever possible.

Use “no” sparingly.

Our child is encouraged to listen to our words when they have something to offer him… a description, an explanation, something that helps him learn and understand. Sometimes, without question, that word is “no”. But there are also times when we can say no in a more explicit way, i.e., “You want to keep playing outside, but I can’t let you. It’s time to go in.”  Or, “That leaf isn’t safe to put in your mouth. I’m going to hold it for you to look at.”

Tell stories, play music and/or sing, listen to stories on CD, read books. 

Not only do these activities encourage active listening, they foster creativity (especially the first three) because children make their own mental images for the words or sounds.

Be aware that screens are a listening turn-off.

I list this last, but it’s definitely not least. In fact, if the inability to listen well is an increasing concern, my hunch is that the increased use of screens is to blame. The visuals in movies, TV and video games are overwhelmingly engaging. Our child doesn’t really listen because he doesn’t need to, and the inferior language models usually offered aren’t worth hearing anyway. Screen time, even if it’s “educational,” can train children not to listen.

In a section about phonics in her fascinating book, Endangered Minds – Why Children Don’t Think And What We Can Do About It, brain researcher Dr Jane Healy notes, “These auditory systems are in a period of critical development during the very preschool years when so many youngsters are watching the tube. Researchers agree that when given both visual displays and dialogue, children attend to and remember the visual, not the “talk.” (Even for most adults, listening can’t compete with looking if the brain is given the chance to do both at the same time.) Yet, if auditory processing skills aren’t embedded in the brain during the critical early years, it is much harder, if it is even possible to insert them later.”

Comments? I’m all ears.

It baffles me that the experts give warnings and criticisms, but nobody offers parents viable alternatives to using TV as a babysitter. Thank you very much American Academy of Pediatrics, ASHA (American Speech-Language-Hearing-Association) and many others, but telling us it’s wiser to spend time talking to our babies, reading, singing and playing peek-a-boo isn’t addressing our issue. Most of us are well aware that we need to spend lots of time and energy interacting with our babies physically and socially. We also need a BREAK once in awhile. It’s a little insulting to me when experts say, “no, no, NO!” and then give advice that ignores the reason most parents use TV in the first place. 

The good news is that there is another option, and it addresses the needs of both parent and child. Babies thrive, parents can take breaks, and when we are with our child we get to “do less and enjoy more.”  It is simple enough that I was able to do it with three children (and I’m no martyr or genius), and I will never understand (apart from the fact there’s no money to be made) why it is such a well guarded secret. 

The answer: instilling in our babies the joyful habit of independent play, adopting the lifestyle recommended by pediatrician Emmi Pikler and infant specialist Magda Gerber. 

The trap parents fall into is the vicious cycle of using screen time to occupy a baby. That creates the very same problem we are using TV to solve — a child who does not entertain himself. Babies who spend time ‘watching’ unlearn what they are born ready and eager to do — what parents need them to do — daydream, explore, experiment, create play independently. 

Although initiating thoughts and activities comes naturally to infants, extended periods of independent playtime don’t happen unless we cultivate them. This means establishing one or two safe, enclosed play areas for a baby (outdoors is wonderful if possible), and then encouraging him to routinely spend his “alert time” (between sleep, feedings and diaper changes) in these soon familiar environments.  We can watch and enjoy our baby, “floor sit” and eventually leave him to work or relax nearby, while he spends time learning from the safe objects and toys he chooses. In my experience, these rooms (or sections of rooms) are treasured by children way beyond the age they need them for safety. A child’s play space becomes the comfortable, therapeutic, and imaginative place where dreams are born. 

Eventually, most of us will introduce our children to movies and TV. My advice: wait as long as you can, and then use it sparingly. Personally, I couldn’t bear the option of TV time because of the added pressure of trying to control it (to the already long list of toddler power struggles). It worked better for me to avoid it entirely until after the age of 3. 

Exhaust the use of crayons, blocks, dolls and dollhouses, puzzles, shape sorters, play-doh, balls, books, wheel toys, sidewalk chalk (one of the best inventions ever), Legos, etc., before resorting to movies and TV. When children who are adept at occupying themselves seem bored, they are often on the verge of an idea for a new activity. Sometimes they need more of our attention, or a nap. 

If you need entertainment for an afternoon lull and music isn’t engaging enough, try books on tape (or CD) before considering TV or videos. There is usually a good selection at the library. They don’t interfere with a child’s listening and learning skills the way TV does. They stimulate imagination rather than zoning a child out, and they aren’t as disturbing or scary as movies. The ones that come with books are great, too, and you can show your child how to turn the page when they hear the “ding”. 

If we can postpone the use of TV (or break the habit in the early years), our child has opportunities to develop the neural pathways needed to be a good listener and learner, gross and fine motor skills, problem solving abilities, creativity and a strong sense of self. 

We are all bound to make many parenting mistakes, but the love of inner-directed play, creative thought and solitude will be lifelong gifts that neither you nor your child will ever regret. 

Please enjoy this inspirational video of 15 month old Joey demonstrating self-reliance, persistance, focus, ingenuity, inner-directedness and much more — SELF-DIRECTED, INDEPENDENT PLAY AT ITS BEST. 

(Photo by texasgurl.)

Please feel free to share your frustrations and successes with the TV issue!

Common sense tells us that the more actively we acknowledge our child’s efforts to communicate – whether or not we are successful at deciphering them — the more validated he or she will feel, and the more encouraged she will be to continue trying. Responding to our infant or toddler in this simple, often counter-intuitive way works wonders, for parent and child. 

When we acknowledge our infant’s cries by taking a moment to say, “I hear you crying. I’m trying to figure out what you need,” even if we are at our wit’s end, it helps us to calm and center ourselves, making it easier to find clarity and possible solutions. 

Acknowledgements help soothe our child, too.  Our baby is reassured that his efforts to communicate are working. For a toddler, his parent’s “no” is much more palatable when he knows his conflicting point-of-view has been heard. Above all, a child who is acknowledged has the satisfaction of knowing that his thoughts and feelings are well worth listening to and wholly accepted. 

Infant expert Magda Gerber taught parents the vital importance of acknowledgements, and I was reminded of their value in a recent parent/toddler class…  

A mom told her toddler that she needed a diaper change, and off they went to the changing table. Another toddler, Riley, observed this and asked her mother for a diaper change, too. Riley’s mom checked her diaper and told her she didn’t need a change. This seemed to frustrate Riley. Riley knew she didn’t need her diaper changed, but the acknowledgment that Riley wanted her diaper changed, for whatever reason (it looked like fun, it would be an opportunity to have mom’s attention and intimacy, whatever), might have given her the satisfaction she needed. With toddlers, it’s often less about our saying “yes” than it is about feeling understood and accepted. 

As parents, it feels wrong to acknowledge a desire that we will have to deny, or to validate a feeling that seems unreasonable to us. Our instinct is to ignore, dismiss, or immediately counter it. We think that acknowledging our child’s inappropriate ‘want’ or feeling gives it more power. Saying, “You really wanted that candy bar, but I had to take it away,“ rather than, “No. That’s not good for you,” is counter-intuitive, and a major challenge for parents. Most of us need continual reminders. 

But imagine how profoundly validating it would be to have acceptance and understanding from our parents, siblings, friends, or spouses of even our wildest, most inappropriate thoughts.  We don’t need to act on them. We just want to feel okay for having them. 

Don’t let me jump off the balcony when I’m upset, but please understand that I feel like doing it. Don’t judge my sadness, or my anger. Acknowledge it, and help me find a safe way to express those feelings. 

As the parent/toddler class was ending, 21-month-old Riley again asked her mother for a diaper change. Riley’s mom checked her diaper and saw that it was still dry. This time she acknowledged Riley’s wish, and it gave her an idea — maybe Riley wanted some intimate time with her mom. “You want your diaper changed, but your diaper is dry. Do you want to go to the car and have a snack together?” Riley brightened. Yes, she did. 

Acknowledging feelings and desires encourages our babies to communicate, but more importantly, it inspires them to feel confident about who they are.  The good, the bad and the ugly we all have within us feels understood, and it’s all okay. With that kind of love our babies can go far, and are bound to love others just as generously.

I was driving my two younger children to the morning school bus last week. My daughter was in sleepy, adolescent-growth-spurt mode, and my eight year old son was exhilarated from playing outside with the dog. “Dulce and I played a game where we run and shoot!” He chirped. At that moment, the Green Day song “21 Guns” played on the radio. “Here is a song for you and Dulce,” I said. “What?” He replied. I repeated, “This song is for you: ‘21 Guns’.” My boy was astonished, “Guns? I thought it was “21 Goods!” “Oh, that’s much better,” I thought aloud. “21 goods.”

My son’s upbeat misinterpretation of the Green Day song reminded me of other endearing ‘mistakes’ I have heard from my children over the years, and also some that I’ve heard about from other parents. My nephew Jack had a particular talent for ‘rephrasing’, and it doesn’t surprise me at all that he is now a teenage actor and comedian. Some of Jack’s more original and memorable inventions: Mean, evil knights (medieval knights); The Entire State Building (The Empire State Building); and my favorite, Naked Americans (Native Americans).

A couple of rephrasing examples from my childhood: “… And deliver us from eagles (The Lord’s Prayer); “Ooof over!” (“Move over”).

And some song lyric adjustments made by kids I know: “Do you believe in love like a bird, like a bird …” (“Do you believe in life after love” – Cher); “I’m not crazy, I’m not little!” (“I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired” – Matchbox 20); “Row, row, row your boat gently down the street……….merrily, like a spider’s dream.”

That last one was my nephew Jack again, and his mom (my sister) commented, “I didn’t notice that he was singing it that way until he asked why the song was about a spider’s dream. My older son burst out laughing, and for years we talked about spiders’ dreams.”

I hope you will all PLEASE contribute to this list by sharing your child’s (or your own) remembered rephrases in the comment section below. Please attribute them to the child who authored them for posterity’s sake. I know that there are so many more that I have heard from family or friends, but I’ve forgotten because I didn’t write them down!

Children share their innocent perceptions of the world with us when they reinterpret language. Often, though, these precious ‘mistakes’ are quickly corrected by others and too soon erased. Aside from providing a few laughs, I hope this list will help us to enjoy our children’s imaginative spin on life and to appreciate the simple purity of their authentic impressions.

When I heard this story, two different ideas occurred to me. The first was that Ella was an active infant, who seemed to be working assiduously on her gross motor skills. She was a baby on the move who might not want to sit still for long, even when presented with a warm lap and bright pictures on cardboard. This behavior is well within the range of normal and, in a sense, much easier to understand than a ten-month-old sitting still to look at pictures when the tactile world is at her feet.

The second thought was that Ella might be absorbing some of her mother’s anxiety. Sarah, Ella’s mother, is a writer, an expressive, open woman who candidly shares her worries in class. One of her worries was that Ella would never enjoy books, and that she might never learn to read or appreciate language the way her mother did. Sarah’s projection of her own anxiety regarding her daughter’s future literacy may have made it impossible for Ella to settle comfortably into a book.

A few weeks later, Sarah excitedly shared a realization. Sarah suddenly understood that Ella, who had been making one-and-two-syllable ‘baby sounds’ for quite awhile was attempting to communicate with each and every utterance. Each of Ella’s vocalizations actually meant something. Ella may not have been interested in books, but she was demonstrating an early ability to express herself with words.

Sarah’s story illustrates a common worry among parents: namely, the usually unfounded fear that a child will not develop normal language skills. Recalling the fact that Einstein did not speak until he was three years old seldom brings comfort when a parent is nervous about a toddler’s abilities to speak, read, write and go to college. But, just as parents can trust a normal child to begin crawling and walking when he is ready, they can also trust a child’s unique developmental timetable when it involves language. Unless there is a problem with hearing or sight (or a  neurodevelopmental disorder like autism), children will speak and read when they are ready to speak and read. Before that time, they are internalizing the language models in their environment. Learning disorders, like dyslexia, are occasionally discovered in a child’s early school years and are best addressed at that time.

Here are some ways to encourage a child’s language development.

Talk to your infant.   Parents should open the door to communication with their child from their first days together. Telling a newborn we are picking her up before we do it; talking an infant through a diaper change and giving time for her to respond; sharing each step out loud to a baby as we put her to bed: these open, early communications will help an infant begin to internalize language.

Talking slowly, but naturally, in short sentences about the events that a child is directly involved in will create a much greater impact than, say, pointing to a random object and naming it. When an infant is asked to help put his arm through a sleeve, he is not only being treated with respect, he is also hearing words that are pertinent and meaningful to him. Most importantly, he learns that communication is a two-way street and that his participation is desired.

Model.  We want our children to learn our language. So, it is helpful (and feels more natural) to speak to an infant in our normal voice, trusting that we can be our authentic selves with our child and do not need to talk ‘down’ to him.

Try to understand.  When our child begins to vocalize we can encourage him by working to understand what he is saying. If we cannot figure it out, we can honestly admit, “I’m trying to understand, but I don’t know what you’re saying.” The child appreciates our attempt to understand and the words and tone encourage him to keep trying to express himself. When we do understand a word, we can respond by modeling the use of the word in a complete sentence. For example, if our baby says “ball,” then we might respond, “Ball? You see the ball in that basket?”

Let a baby stand uncorrected.  It is important to refrain from correcting toddlers when they begin talking. If a toddler calls a stuffed bear a “dog,” we can encourage the child to continue speaking by responding, “That looks like a dog to you,” rather than saying, “No, that’s not a dog, it’s a bear.” A child will learn to differentiate between dogs and bears soon enough.

In the book, Learning All the Time, author and educator John Holt explains why children’s early language mistakes should be left alone. Asks Holt, “If you were just learning, in a foreign country, to speak a foreign language, how would you feel if everyone around you corrected every error you made?” Holt observes that the vast majority of people would be intimidated by such hyper criticism. The ordinary person “would wind up saying little or nothing—like a man I know who after six or seven winters in Mexico, cannot speak twenty words of Spanish because he can’t bring himself to say anything unless he is sure he is right.”

Sharing books and stories. Make reading time pleasant and relaxing by letting go of any agenda and following your baby’s lead.  Allow him to turn pages, look at books upside down or backwards if he chooses to, stay as long as he wishes on a particular page, and let you know when he’s finished. 

Tell stories! Even when babies are impatient with books, they will often enjoy listening to a parent or grandparent tell a story (and they don’t mind hearing lame ones…believe me).

After several weeks in class learning from Sarah and Ella’s experience, I was gratified when Julie, another mom in the class, shared an anecdote.  On a recent afternoon, Julie took her three-year-old niece for a walk around the neighborhood. The little girl picked up an acorn off the sidewalk and held it out for her aunt to look at. “Look! A street shell!” she exclaimed. Julie proudly reported that she held her tongue and did not correct her niece’s description of the acorn. By doing so, Julie allowed the child to revel in her discovery, thereby encouraging her niece to go forward boldly and experiment further with the beauty of language.