Being clear and direct is the kindest, most respectful way to handle non-negotiable issues like car seats. Toddlers just want to know what we expect. They need to feel confident that we will consistently, calmly follow through (well before we get impatient or angry) and be assured that any negative reaction they have is understood by us. Here’s more…

Dear Janet,

I’m the proud mother of an adorable 15 month old son.  Our home is very baby-proofed so he is free to move and explore his surroundings without hearing a series of “no’s”.  We also maintain a very consistent schedule so he transitions between eat, sleep, and play periods with ease.  Our problem is the car seat. He HATES it.

About 70 percent of the time I try to put him in his car seat he has a full blown tantrum.  He has always really hated riding in the car, but I have a feeling that I might be exacerbating the issue by occasionally letting him explore the car and pretend to “drive”.  (The keys aren’t in the ignition and I’m right by his side the entire time.)  I’m wondering if I’m doing him a disservice by sending mixed messages.

He currently doesn’t say any words, so I’m not sure how much he would understand if I said “today we’re riding- not playing”. I’ve tried that before, but it doesn’t seem to help.  I react to his tantrums by pinning him down, strapping him down and moving on.  Usually he stops crying before we even get out of the driveway. Even though the tantrums are short I’d still like to have less of them, if possible.   I’d love to hear your feedback.

Thank you,

Abbie

Hi Abbie,

Sorry this response is so late. A couple of thoughts…

1. Your boy definitely understands your words even though he doesn’t talk yet. He needs clear, brief explanations and acknowledgments of his feelings. He needs to know a little beforehand when you will go to the car and get in the car seat and not have time to play. “Today we’re riding — not playing“ is not explicit enough. Better to say something like: “I know you like to play in the car, but today we will go to the car and go right to your seat. After your nap, we will have time to play in the car.” Be sure to make eye contact.

2. It’s okay to do both playing and not playing, as long as you clearly let him know.

3. Crying when restricted is completely normal and expected at this age. Most infants and toddlers like feeling free to move. The more calm and assured you are (it will probably help make you more so when you know you’ve told him beforehand) the easier it will be for him to accept doing what he doesn’t want to do.

This holds true every time your wishes clash, which may be more often as you are entering the toddler years. Be clear, direct and confident, even in the face of his complaints and cries. Once he has expressed his differing opinion (which is healthy, healthy, healthy for him to do), your son will be able to move on. It sounds like you are already experiencing that.

Remember that your boy is unable to say in words, “I don’t want to be confined! I want to move.” So, all he can do to express himself is cry about it (and he may be releasing other pent-up feelings as well). It does not mean that he is traumatized!

4. Sometimes it helps to give him a simple choice like, “Would you like to climb into the car seat yourself or have me pick you up?” He feels more autonomous and can “save face.” Soon he’ll be able to latch the seat himself and you can let him chose that, too. If he still resists after you’ve given him a moment to begin doing those things himself, you may end up saying, “You don’t seem able to go in yourself, so I’ll have to help you.”

5. Problems happen when we try to avoid cries or are afraid to be decisive leaders. If we waffle, that makes the child feel uneasy, unsettled, and usually makes the eventual tantrum last longer, leads to more resistance about the car seat and other things. When we are tentative, we leave our child in an uncomfortable state of limbo.

It sounds to me like you are handling everything well, but definitely communicate with him more. He needs to know what’s going on. And don’t forget to empathize and acknowledge when he is upset, “I know you didn’t want to get into the car seat, and I’m sorry I had to make you do it. I know that’s upsetting!”

Hope this helps…

Warmly,

Janet

Janet,

Thank you so much for your feedback!  I follow you on Facebook and enjoy reading every single one of your posts. It has really helped to make me a more relaxed, confident parent.  My son’s ability to play independently is pretty amazing. Many people have commented on it. Thank you very much for you advice on how to react to his tantrums.

We’ve pretty much moved past the power struggles over the car seat, but as you can well imagine, there are still plenty of other issues to disagree about. You once wrote something about being a “calm, confident CEO”, and it has really stuck with me.  When I need to set a limit I really don’t get worked up or emotional. I’m always amazed by how quickly he moves on.  And I guess I move on pretty quickly, too!

I think the most important thing for me to remember is to communicate, communicate, communicate. Thank you for the healthy reminder.

 Thanks for listening,

 Abbie

(Photo by Flat-Back 66 on Flickr)

Rule #1: More often than not, struggles and conflicts we might perceive negatively are viewed by infants and toddlers through an entirely different lens. Here’s an example…

During a recent RIE Parent/Toddler Guidance Class, a 14-month-old girl stood holding a miniature blue rubber bowl in her hand and a red one in her mouth. A boy a couple of months older walked over and yanked the bowl out of her mouth. His action seemed so violent that I was sure the girl would be upset or, at least, complain, but I waited to gauge her reaction. She just looked at the boy with interest. Then the boy took a “sip” from the red bowl. The girl followed his lead, sipping from the blue bowl still in her hand. After this jovial toast they separated, moving on to other activities. A grandfather visiting that day had also witnessed the exchange, and we shared appreciative smiles. This would never have happened had I stopped the boy from taking the bowl or told him to give it back.

Through infant expert Magda Gerber, I’ve learned that observing sensitively, taking cues from our children, intervening as minimally as possible and allowing situations to play out can bring surprising, positive results.

To vividly demonstrate, here’s a new favorite video of mine depicting two types of toddler struggles. The first is a conflict of desires between two 21-month-old girls. Neither get’s upset. In fact, they seem to enjoy the mini-drama! See how the conflict ends triumphantly. The second is a struggle within this struggle in which a girl does get upset. Her screams might have compelled her mom to swoop in and scoop her up, but she instead remains calm and intervenes in a manner that allows her daughter to feel more able and successful. (All this in 2 minutes! No actors were hired.)

Experiences like these encourage children to develop:

Language – words like “blue”,  “box”, “sit down” and even abstract concepts like “right now” are understood and verbalized.

Social skills – communication, taking turns, self-control, delayed gratification.

Self-confidence and resiliency – I can do it (figure it out, handle it).  

Here are some guidelines for facilitating learning through healthy infant and toddler struggles:

1. If it looks like there might be a struggle or conflict developing, move closer as calmly and quietly as possible.

2. Observe and wait.

3. Keep children safe. Block any hitting, pushing, biting or hair pulling with your hand and say something brief and simple to the child like, “I won’t let you push. I see you want the toy. Joey is holding it now.” Be there to spot when children are struggling with a physical challenge–close enough to break a fall.

4. Reflect the situation evenly and non-judgmentally. “You both want the toy. You’re both holding onto it.”

5. Acknowledge the feelings you see. “You seem frustrated. It’s hard to get out of the box, isn’t it?” (By the way, the girl in the video had climbed out of the box twice on her own quite easily, so I knew she could do it.)

6. If children continue to struggle and intervention seems necessary, try doing just a little to help so the children can learn and accomplish more. For example, if two children are both determined to have a toy, first point out an identical one (but don’t hand it to them). Or if a child is physically struggling, give direction and a bit of help the way  the mom in the video does.

7. Reflect on the incident afterwards (if the child seems interested) to help her absorb, process and learn from it.

“Following the RIE approach, we start with the least amount of help and intervention and then slowly increase it. We do expect and trust that even infants eventually learn most by working out conflicts all by themselves. If every time adults jump in and bring in their version of what is right, the children learn either to depend on them or defy them. The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve.” –Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect  

Please share your impressions!

My baby boy is 6 months old, and we do all we can to make sure he is happy and healthy. We realize how important good, uninterrupted, restorative sleep is – both night sleep and daytime naps – and I wonder how you might respond to the philosophy of Dr. Marc Weissbluth (“Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child”), who advocates letting a baby over 4 months cry up to one hour for naps and an unlimited time for night so the baby learns to self-soothe and fall asleep unaided. (This is of course assuming that the baby’s needs have been met – he’s fed, comfortably dressed, appropriate room temperature, fresh diaper, no diaper rash or other obvious injury/discomfort, not ill, no coyotes in the crib, etc.)

Weissbluth suggests that when a baby needs  sleep but wants to play or cuddle, we are robbing him of sleep if we constantly go to him. Sure enough, I feel like I’m hindering my baby’s efforts to put himself to sleep rather than helping at all. As soon as he sees me, he immediately wants to be held and nursed, even if he just ate. The problem with that is if he does fall asleep on me, I cannot put him down asleep – he wakes up and cries – and he does not sleep on anyone for more than 15 minutes or so (clearly not restorative sleep). We have done this for hours during the day in an effort to get him to take a nap when he was obviously tired.

Sometimes I believe he simply cries because he is overtired (perhaps from missing the previous nap) and needs to blow off steam before settling down. I never leave the room while he’s crying, but he typically starts once I’m out of sight, leading me to believe he just wants more play time. He typically nods off after a few minutes, but there are times when the crying goes on longer. I’ve been very torn between allowing him to relax himself and going in and rescuing him, even if it meant a missed nap, which is clearly not in his best interest. Any advice would be appreciated.

(This was a comment on my post 7 Reasons To Calm Down About Babies Crying)

Sleep specialist Eileen Henry responds… 

“7 Reasons to Calm Down about Babies Crying” is a great article. And my experience with parents is in line with Janet’s. In the eight years that I have been working as a sleep consultant, I have yet to meet a parent who can leave their baby to cry. Even the parents I meet who do the “Cry It Out” method or “Ferberize” end up going to their child at some point and offering some form of support. Sitting in the next room, listening to the child suffer and having that fight with the parental brain is a doomed scenario…

However, our parental brain still holds obsolete instinctual drives that tell us to “stop the crying” at any cost.  Even though we may intellectually know that all is well (we have the shelter part of our basic needs down — there are no wolves at the cave door),  the intense urge to follow the impulse is still there. We can have a head full of rational knowledge and still have great difficulty convincing the heart to sit back and listen to our beloved baby suffer.

Good news…you don’t have to.

Your reader above raises some very good points and familiar concerns. Once we know all of our child’s needs have been met, now is the time to satisfy the authentic need for sleep…but how do we support our child in their efforts to settle in and get a good, uninterrupted, period of sleep? As this mommy knows, the best way to raise a successful sleeper is to allow the child to learn how to go from sleepy to asleep on their own. And at 6 months of age, “On their own…but with a little help,” might be the ticket.

As mentioned in 7 Reasons To Calm Down About Babies Crying, the parent’s emotional state is key. I put this first in the list of ways to help our children through any disturbance. Since my program, Compassionate Sleep Solutions, is strongly rooted in Attachment Theory (or Regulatory Theory, as I like to call it), the first order of business is to offer soothing from a “self soothed” emotional state. To best help our child emotionally regulate, we must first make certain we (the parents) are emotionally centered.

The second thing I recommend is to try to distinguish between struggle and suffering in the child’s cries. Since struggle is inherent in all development, we can be confident that our child can develop a healthy relationship with struggle by allowing them to have their struggles.

If at any time you hear what sounds like suffering, by all means go in and offer soothing and comfort to your child. We will always respond to suffering, but we can do so without “rescuing” or “fixing” the child’s sleep.

Infants may have many wants, but  until they are verbal (and arguably even then) we will never know what they truly want. But if we are certain that sleep is what they need, we do not want to rob them of this wonderful time of rest and rejuvenation.  I find over and over that acknowledgement, empathy and compassion can be most powerful in helping our children through their learning struggles and inevitable suffering in this life. 

I am reminded of what Thich Hhat Hanh refers to as The 4 Aspects of True Love. And true love is a deep and continual practice of compassion.

1. Is true presence…”Beloved, I am here.” We do this in the care giving routines and rituals of the day. We do our best to be mindful and present.
2. “Beloved, you are here and I am happy.” We do this having already established a strong and healthy attachment and bond.
3. “Beloved, you are suffering and I am here.” We do this by offering acknowledgement, empathy and reassurance.

The fourth aspect is said to be the most difficult for the adult human.  It is because we have fear and pride. Perhaps we have fear that we will not be helped and are therefore too prideful to ask, or perhaps we have been trained to only think of the other:

4. “I suffer…help ME.” We satisfy this as parents every time we sit in a RIE class and share our experience, struggles, parental guilt and fears. We do this with our mommy sisters, partners and husbands. And at every age we can be honest with our children by modeling humanness…”Sweetie I know…I hear you…this is hard for me,  too.” Because we also know what loss and grief are made of. And we know that no one can fix it…and no matter how painful it is…the feeling is meant to be felt. 

Eileen Henry, RIE™ Associate
Compassionate Sleep Solutions™

http://www.compassionatesleepsolutions.com/

303.953.0203

(Isn’t this the best photo ever?! It’s by Sellers Patton on Flickr)

 Acknowledge.

Before you tell your child that it’s time to leave the park, or remind him that the really cool truck he’s examining has to stay at the store, acknowledge his point of view. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and wishes, even if they seem ridiculous, irrational, self-centered or wrong. This is not the same as agreeing, and is definitely not indulgent or allowing an undesirable behavior.

Acknowledgement isn’t condoning our child’s actions; it’s validating the feelings behind them. It’s a simple, profound way to reflect our child’s experience and inner self. It demonstrates our understanding and acceptance. It sends a powerful, affirming message… Every thought, desire, feeling — every expression of your mind, body and heart — is perfectly acceptable, appropriate and lovable. 

Acknowledging is simple, but it isn’t easy. It’s counter-intuitive for most of us, even when we’ve done it thousands of times. Won’t acknowledging our child’s wishes make matters worse? Won’t saying “I know how much you want an ice cream cone like the one your friend has and it does look yummy, but we won’t be having dessert until later” make our toddler hold on to the idea longer, cry harder? Wouldn’t it be better to dismiss or downplay the child’s feelings, distract, redirect or say:”Oh, sweetie, not now”?

Our fears about an honest acknowledgement of the situation “making things worse” are almost always unfounded. Feeling heard and understood allows children to release the feelings, let go and move on. Here are more reasons that acknowledging our child’s truth is worth the conscious effort it takes…

1. Acknowledging can stop tears and tantrums in their tracks.

I have witnessed this many, many times. Whether a child is upset about an injury, a disagreement with another child or anger over a conflict with a parent, acknowledging to the child what happened or that he is hurt, frustrated or angry can miraculously ease the pain. Feeling understood is a powerful thing.

2. Acknowledging, instead of judging or “fixing”, fosters trust and encourages children to keep sharing their feelings.

Parents and caregivers have an enormous influence, and their responses have an impact on young children. If, for example, we try to calm children by assuring them that there’s no need to be upset or worried about something that’s troubling them, they may become less inclined to express their feelings. If our goal is our child’s emotional health and keeping the door of communication open – just acknowledging is the best policy. “Daddy left and you are sad.”

I was reminded of this recently when one of my teenage daughters shared her anger and heartbreak over a long time best friend’s lies and betrayal. How hard it was not tell her that this friend is flawed and that my daughter deserves so much better!  How hard it was to just listen and acknowledge the hurt and disappointment. As painful as this experience was for me, I treasure it, because my daughter trusted me with her innermost feelings. I’ll do all in my power to encourage her to share with me again. (My daughter ended up resuming her relationship with her long adored friend, having noted her limitations.) 

3. Acknowledging informs, encourages language development and emotional intelligence.

Children gain clarity about their feelings and desires when we verbally reflect them. But don’t state the feeling unless you’re sure. It’s safer to use the words “upset” or “bothered” rather than jumping to “scared”, “angry”, etc. When in doubt, you might ask, “Did it make you mad when Joey wouldn’t let you use his blocks?” “Did the dog’s bark frighten you or just surprise you?”

An added benefit: talking to babies, toddlers, children of all ages about these “real things” happening to them is the most powerful, meaningful and natural way for them to learn language.

4. Acknowledging illuminates, helps us understand and empathize.

To state our child’s point of view, we have to first see it, so acknowledging helps to give us clarity.  When we say, “You want me to keep playing this fun game with you, but I’m too tired”, we are encouraged to empathize with our child’s point-of-view (and he ours).

Acknowledging the situation and asking questions (especially when we don’t know the reason our child is upset) can help us to unravel the mystery. “You’re upset and look uncomfortable. You just ate, your diaper is dry. Maybe you need to burp? Okay, I’m going to pick you up.” 

5. Acknowledging struggles might be all the encouragement your child needs to carry on.

This is another scenario in which a simple acknowledgement can work like magic. Rather than saying, “you can do it!”, which can create pressure and set the child up to believe he disappoints us, try saying, “You are working very hard, and you’re making progress. That is tough to do. It’s frustrating, isn’t it?”

6. Acknowledgements instead of praise help children stay inner-directed.

This is as simple as containing our impulse to cheer loudly or say “good job!”, and instead smiling and reflecting, “You pulled the plastic beads apart. That was really hard.”

“Let your child’s inner joy be self-motivating. You can smile and express your genuine feelings but should refrain from giving excessive compliments, clapping your hands, and making a big fuss. If you do this, your child starts seeking satisfaction from external sources. She can get hooked on praise, becoming a performer seeking applause instead of an explorer. Praise also disrupts and interrupts a child’s learning process. She stops what she’s doing and focuses on you, sometimes not returning to the activity.” –Magda Gerber, Your Self-Confident Baby

7. Acknowledging proves that we are paying attention, makes a child feel understood, accepted, deeply loved and supported.

Could there be any better reason to give it a try?

“People will forget what you said; People will forget what you did.
But people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Maya Angelou

“We all need someone who understands.” –Magda Gerber

(Photo by girlwiththecamera on Fickr)

I don’t want to spank my child, but what I do want is to make him do some manual labor as I talk to him about what he did wrong and why. When I say manual labor, I mean take away the luxuries we share in life and make him/her do it with his/her own two hands such as doing the dishes by hand. So, while I help him/her work through the mistake he/she made, he also realizes not to take for granted the luxuries we have today due to technology. She disagrees. We don’t even know the gender of our child yet, but this is a topic that keeps occurring in our conversations. We both would like to put it to rest so we are turning to an expert, whom we believe to be you.

Thank you,

Mitchell

Hi Mitchell,

Thanks for trusting me. A couple of thoughts… First, the discipline plan you’re envisioning is for a child older than an infant or toddler, correct?  Here’s an interesting and wonderful thing…handling discipline issues with empathy and respect in the first years usually means that there will seldom be disciplinary situations later on.  Seriously! This is what I’ve found personally and through the experience of many other parents as well.  Getting the first years “right” is the key.

The most effective way to provide discipline in the early years is to define boundaries while maintaining a trusting relationship. This means taking on the role of being our child’s gentle and confident leader. Young children need to be stopped from doing “wrong” things, but in a brief, kind and unemotional way. (I describe this more thoroughly in No Bad Kids – Toddler Discipline Without Shame.)

When treated with honesty, fairness, and empathy — as people who are just learning and don’t yet have self-control — children begin to internalize our values. Even babies know when they are being spoken to directly and with respect. This is a path to self-discipline that serves our children well throughout life, not to mention fostering a close and loving relationship with their parents.

Punishments of any kind tend to take us off that track and foster a more adversarial or manipulative relationship, which is likely to lead to more frequent and difficult discipline issues down the road. 

I love your idea about instilling an appreciation for hard work and the luxuries in life! I do think that there are far better ways to do that than making those lessons a punishment, which will definitely cause your child to perceive them negatively. The most powerful way we teach those lessons (and just about every lesson) is through modeling — being a person who takes pride in hard work, doesn’t mind a bit of struggle and values simpler, low-tech things.

The truth is children usually end up teaching us these lessons. I’ve never known a young child who wouldn’t rather light candles than turn on lights, hold a parent’s hand and walk to preschool, vacation in a tent rather than a hotel, spend all day outdoors, or live in a smaller, cozier house rather than a big one. Children of all ages love to do things themselves. They like to create and build things rather than press a button and have it done for them.  They don’t mind chores, work and struggle, especially if we continue to present those things as positive, interesting parts of life and don’t interfere or “fix” everything for them. (Wait until you see your baby’s “work ethic” as he, for example, struggles to grasp an object on the floor nearby, or figures out how to crawl!)  I guarantee that your child will inspire you to appreciate work and the simple things in life better than anyone else ever could. All we have to do is keep nurturing these innate qualities.

So, my advice would be to learn everything you can about discipline in the early years. Figure out what feels right to you and your significant other to give your baby the best start possible. Prioritize the quality of your relationship with the important person you will soon meet (so exciting!).  Keep life and toys very simple in the first years. Don’t indulge in TV as a babysitter, provide tech devices or the latest toys because the Joneses do. Someday your kids will be proud like mine are, that they were, in one daughter’s words, “TV deprived”. Since they’ve become students they know: “TV makes you dumber, Mom.” 

(Okay, so my son’s a little upset that he’s the only 5th grader he knows without a cell phone… But in their hearts children know that we are thoughtfully considering doing what’s best for them rather than caving in, and they appreciate that.)

Regarding lectures… My personal belief is that they are heard best by our children when they aren’t presented during a disciplinary moment, especially with toddlers.  When you and your little boy or girl are enjoying a relaxing time together, share about your values and philosophies.  Lectures during discipline tend to be interpreted as shaming. With toddlers, saying too much (which means more than just a few words like, “I can’t let you”) can make the child perceive a momentary incident as a major event. Besides being shaming, this often backfires, because our child will impulsively seek out this negative attention and drama again.

I really hope some of this helps. I appreciate the care you and your significant other are taking to figure these things out together ahead of time. It bodes very well for your child, who will soon change your life in the most wonderful way!

Cheers,

Janet

P.S. Here are some posts worth reading:

“Positive Child Guidance: A Look At Discipline vs Punishment” by Amanda Morgan from Not Just Cute

“A Toddler’s Point Of View” by Lisa Sunbury from Regarding Baby

“I’ll Let You Know How It Goes” (insights on preschoolers doing chores) by Thomas Hobson, Teacher Tom

All your ideas are welcome….please share!

(Photo by roland on Flickr) 

As is often the case, the truth isn’t black or white. When a sensitive, responsive parent or caregiver is open to allowing self-soothing, supporting it, but does not force, demand, expect or abandon their baby to do it, the result is healthy and productive. Affording babies the bit of room they need to help them develop their individual coping strategies in our presence is a loving, mindful practice.

Supporting a baby to self-soothe can mean listening to her complaints for a minute or two while she finds her thumb, rather than immediately giving her a pacifier. It can be about remembering to offer two teethers and allowing the baby to choose one and grasp it herself rather than automatically placing something in her mouth. It might mean allowing our baby to cry in our arms to release her feelings at bedtime instead of rocking, patting, or jiggling her, etc., as explained in “Helping Young Children Sleep” from Hand-in-Hand parenting: 

“Children’s systems are built to offload feelings of upset immediately and vigorously. But our training as parents is to stop them from offloading their feelings! We are taught to give them pacifiers, food, rocking, patting, scolding, and later, time outs and spanking, if the crying or screaming goes on for more than a minute. We are taught to work against the child’s own healthy instinct to get rid of bad feelings immediately. So our children store these upsets, and try many times a day to work them out, usually by testing limits or having meltdowns over small issues. If they can’t offload them during the day, the feelings bother them in the night” – Patty Wipfler

Staying open to the possibility of self-soothing allows babies to actively take part in their care to the best of their ability. As Magda Gerber writes in Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect, “Infancy is a time of great dependence. However, babies should be allowed to do some things for themselves from the very beginning.” This empowers our children and ultimately makes our job easier.

In “Helping Children Learn To Take On Challenges” a story from her book Mind in the Making, Ellen Galinsky shares findings from studies of pre-term infants (born 10 to 12 weeks before their due date) in neonatal intensive care. When the nurses and doctors took charge of the babies’ care without taking the time to read their cues or allow them to actively participate, the researcher, Heidelise Als of Harvard University, noted, “It seemed we were wasting a lot of the baby’s energies that were very precious.”

As Galinsky explains, “When a baby who was initially feisty gave in, the medical charts would record that the baby had become well adjusted. But Als saw a different reality: “The baby had given up. The baby just let the world happen.”

“After documenting and recording behavior, they launched into a study where the nurses “read” and then responded to the baby’s behavior in ways that built on that baby’s coping strategies, and thus gave the baby more control. The results of this experiment were impressive. There was reduced severity of chronic lung disease in these premature babies, improved brain functioning, improved growth and earlier release from the hospital. In addition, their care was significantly less costly,” notes Galinsky.

She then concludes: “Children, even those as young as premature infants, are less prone to the harmful effects of stress when they are supported in managing their own stress by being helped to use the strategies they have for coping and for calming down.”

So, how do we understand and enable a child’s natural ability to self-soothe?

1. Believe babies are competent and capable whole people. Experts who have dedicated their lives to studying infants, Magda Gerber, Dr. Kevin Nugent, and Alison Gopnik, to name a few, have concluded without reservation that even newborn babies are aware, competent, unique individuals.

A recent article in The Irish Times shares passages from Dr Nugent’s new guidebook for helping parents decode newborn communication: “A baby’s “remarkable ability” to get his hand or fist into his mouth -even when he is not hungry – is no random movement. He may do it when he is upset and then settle himself by sucking on it, enabling him to remain alert and examine his surroundings. By this simple act, “your baby is showing you how competent he is and how, even in these early days, the urge to explore his new world is paramount”.

Trust your baby’s competence. She wants to do things for herself, and she can do things for herself. –Gerber

2. Be an observer. Tune in. Learn about your baby. Familiarize yourself with your baby’s individual strengths and vulnerabilities. Try to read her cues and respond accordingly as best you can.

The role of a parent is to continuously assess whether the infant is capable of handling a situation.  For instance, when an infant looks at an object (or maybe reaches for it), many adults rush to hand the object to the infant – not realizing that, by doing so, they deprive the infant of acting spontaneously and learning from his own actions.  …You also know that sometimes your infant does need help, but try to provide just that little amount of help that allows the child to take over again. Let her be the initiator and problem solver. -Gerber

3. Wait. Therein lies the challenge. As singer songwriter Tom Petty said, “The waiting is the hardest part”, and that couldn’t be truer than it is while waiting for a baby as she attempts to soothe herself.

Here’s a video of 4 month old Joey self-soothing, shared with me by her parents, whom I know to be sensitive, responsive and loving. Joey is a happy, securely attached toddler now. (There is a video of her at 15 months in A Creative Alternative To Baby TV Time.) I had planned to edit this video for time, but then realized that leaving it at 2 minutes made it feel more like real time – and just as uncomfortable to watch as it would be in real life. When our babies experience even the slightest frustration or discomfort, seconds can feel like hours (and no matter how old they are it doesn’t get easier!).

As I say so often, “Observe and wait.” Sometimes you may even find out that what you believed the infant wanted was only your assumption.  It is natural to make mistakes and easy to misunderstand pre-verbal children. Nevertheless, it is important to keep trying –Magda Gerber.

Being sensitive to the possibility of self-soothing is the beginning of believing in your baby.

Whether you agree or disagree, I’d love to hear your thoughts…

References (all of which I recommend):

“Helping Children Learn To Take On Challenges”, by Ellen Galinsky, Mind in the Making

“Helping Young Children Sleep”, by Patty Wipfler, Hand in Hand Parenting

Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect, by Magda Gerber

“Know Your Baby“, by Sheila Wayman, The Irish Times

“Your Baby Is Speaking To You“, by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

The discussion was stimulated by Baby Teamwork (Sharing Because They Want To), the video I recently posted showing 3 toddlers peacefully sharing a toy. It had been shared on Real Child Development’s Facebook page. First, a parent commented…

Jeni: The thing I find difficult is that although we’ve brought Ben up modeling sharing rather than forcing it, he is now having to learn the hard way that very few other children have grown up like this and he’s having to learn to protect the things he is playing with because nobody else knows how to play together!!

Then, Alice of Denali Parent Coaching comments…

Alice: This is a beautiful video…and I appreciate the lack of adult intervention/interaction. Sharing emerges from ownership, then turn taking…But ownership comes first. A child needs to feel secure that his interest in something will be respected and given the full time needed to ‘own’ it. Only then can they give another a turn, only then can sharing emerge.

I spot this with my eagle eye and respond…

Janet (me): Denali Parent Coaching, I appreciate your comment. I respectfully disagree about “ownership coming first”. “Ownership” is a concept babies and young toddlers (happily) do not yet understand, although adults often try to instill it in them. The scene in the video would *never* have happened if we were protecting “ownership”, i.e., saying “she’s using this, don’t touch until she’s done”, or whatever…  Our well-intentioned interventions unwittingly create the problems @Jeni is speaking about…children who don’t know how to play together. They simply haven’t had enough chances to figure out how to interact without adults getting in their way. If an older child, 2-3 years or older has an obvious project that he or she is intently working on, we wouldn’t allow another child to disrupt it, but younger babies and toddlers interact by giving things and taking them away…and they are usually fine with that, as long as we don’t project that it’s a problem.

‎Alice: What a great discussion! Let me share how I view ownership…I see ‘ownership’ as a young child having plenty of time to play with and explore whatever they have/are doing…and as another child interacts, it is an adult’s job to observe, and then respect a child’s feelings of perhaps not ready to give up their toy to the other who may have ‘taken’ it. Helping them id their feelings, describe what is happening (great language opp. for little ones!), give them an opportunity to find another toy, or gently letting the one who ‘took’ know the first child would like to finish their turn is important. And it role models healthy and positive negotiating skills for those difficult moments. When a young child knows for sure they can play until they feel finished is when they can then more easily flow with the movement of toys from one to another. In the video there were no ‘ownership’ issues–it all flowed, so no reason whatsoever for an adult to step in. I would venture to say the children in this video have had their ownership rights respected, and felt no angst as a result. So yes, adults stay in the observation mode, and at the same time, as needed, be there to affirm, put words to feelings, and role model respect via descriptive words and guidance. Does this clarify my original thoughts for you?

Janet (me): Thank you, yes it does clarify a bit, although I still disagree about intervening with children this age to protect or establish “ownership”. And that has never been done with these children. This video would not have been possible if we did that. I guarantee it. These children are used to being trusted to work out their minor conflicts…and because of that, they seldom have them. What appears as “ownership” to us is not usually perceived as such to the child. The child is interested in the interaction with another, more than they are interested in a particular object.

I agree about describing what is happening and that is what we do in the RIE classes, in a completely non-judgmental manner… We call it ‘sportscasting’. “You were holding that and now Lily has it.” Seldom do children this age object to toys being taken away when the adults don’t react as if it’s a problem. In fact, this is the way children commonly make connections and “play together”. The child who has been “taken” from usually finds something else or may choose on their own to wait until the toy is free again.

If someone is a little upset (and that is rare…usually when a child is tired) we provide verbal support and comfort if needed (“You wanted that and Bob has it now”), but we don’t tell the children what to do. They resolve things independently almost always, but only because they have been trusted to do so. Thanks for the discussion!

As it turns out, Alice and I have very similar child care views and from what I have learned about her, I recommend her coaching. Certainly our exchange was focused on subtleties that might seem unimportant in the grand scheme of things. But if you value toddler social intelligence as much as I do, it’s worth splitting hairs over finer points. After all, our babies are going to be running the world in the not too distant future.

Alice Hanscam received her bachelor’s degree in Child Study from Tufts University in Massachusetts in 1983. She earned her Masters level Parent Coach Certification through the Parent Coaching Institute and Seattle Pacific University in Washington State in 2008. Alice’s passion for supporting families extends over 30 years. She has taught preschool, co-directed an infant/toddler center, mentored infant and toddler daycare providers, taught parent education classes, and actively parented her own two (now young adult) daughters.

Alice (and Leslie from Real Child Development) thank you for allowing me to post this conversation!

In summary, it’s been my experience that when we allow this:

And this:

We make it possible for toddlers to play like this:

I’d love to hear everyone’s thoughts…

Observing infant and toddler interactions over the years, I’ve learned that babies have volumes to teach us about getting along with others, if we can just stay out of their way and let them.

Please watch the struggle in this video without any preconceived notions about play, manners, sharing, who-had-it-first. I think you’ll see that toddlers are not only capable problem solvers, they are ingenious, tenacious, accepting and forgiving.

Notes about interventions in this video:

1. Beginning around this age, I gently try to encourage the children to use language (like “no”) with each other, so they will be less inclined to hit or push (or allow themselves to be hit or pushed).

2. At RIE, we don’t believe in using a blaming tone when there is conflict, so that children don’t identify themselves as victims or aggressors. Instead, we ‘sportscast’ the situation non-judgmentally and matter-of-factly. Infants and toddlers are just learning and experimenting, and we want to give them the confidence to continue to do so. 

3. Wish I would have said something to the little girl when she looked at me, something like, “You were both holding the roller and now he has it.” Or, “Yes, I saw what happened.” Or maybe, “Yes, I’m making a movie.” Honestly, I think I was afraid of interrupting something I was excited to share with you all, but she looked like she was asking for a response. I learn a lot watching these videos!

Educational experiences like this one are possible when we:

Provide a safe play space with communal toys (rather than personal ones) and allow children to interact with a small group of others of a similar age.

Fulfill basic needs. Obviously, toddlers who are hungry, thirsty, tired or otherwise uncomfortable won’t have the same interest in, or ability to face, social challenges.

Observe attentively and quietly. Children will play and interact when parents are talking, but it’s less likely and probably won’t go as smoothly. Babies are sensitive to the noise level, think more clearly and feel safer with each other when they have our quiet attention.

Physically intervene only when children might hurt each other and when doing so model gentleness. Our actions speak louder than our words.

State the conflict for the children non-judgmentally with an even-tone to help them understand what is happening and let them know you understand and are paying attention.

Provide an atmosphere of trust – believe the children capable of handling their squabbles. In my experience (and as demonstrated in the video), the children that “take” the most are invariably the ones who “give” the most. Children this age don’t understand the concepts of “sharing” or “ownership”, and when we try to teach them those things, we tend to discourage play and learning. Our interruptions put the brakes on valuable social exchanges and leave toddlers with the message that they’re incapable of interacting with their peers.

In these first couple of years, babies are innocently looking for a way to engage, just trying to figure out how to play together. There are going to be plenty of struggles, clumsy exchanges and blunders along the way.  But our babies won’t be inclined to judge the situation or each other, they’ll just be glad to be there.

Following the RIE approach, we start with the least amount of help and intervention and then slowly increase it.  We do expect and trust that even infants eventually learn most by working out conflicts all by themselves.  If every time adults jump in and bring in their version of what is right, the children learn either to depend on them or to defy them. The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve. –Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect

(If you’re interested in forming a RIE-inspired playgroup in your neighborhood, please join our community and list your city!)

Miles is a pretty easy going kid, and really loves to communicate.  now that he has some language (and signs), his exuberance at making his thoughts and wishes known is growing by the day.  when we “get it”–like if he wants water, and we get him some–he grins and laughs, and starts nodding enthusiastically while he says, “yeah!  yeah!”

i’m writing because recently he’s started screaming.  like, really loud, high pitched screams.  often it’s the first sign of any discomfort or dissatisfaction–like, he’s in his high chair, about to munch on some toast, and suddenly–screaming.  i’ve been looking him in the eye and saying, calmly, “that’s too loud for inside.  it’s hurts my ears.”  or, “i can tell you’re upset, but that’s too loud.  tell me what’s wrong?”  it’s so unlike his newly expressive language; i can’t tell if he’s just experimenting with sound, or frustrated that there’s something he doesn’t know how to tell us, or limit-seeking or what.  sometimes the screaming is part of impatience for food or the frustrated desire for something we won’t let him have, but other times it seems kind of random. 

of course, our faces must also betray the natural shock of the sudden noise, and sometimes a very disapproving, “Miles, no!” slips out. especially for my husband, who has particularly sensitive ears.  i figure it’s okay for Miles to know that the screaming upsets me–i mean, he’s not a dummy; i’m sure he knows we don’t like it–but i want to discourage this in a way that’s respectful, firm and effective.  (oh, janet, sometimes it’s REALLY loud.  really.  loud.  it’s like it stops time.  my husband referred to it as “wearing a helmet made of scream.”)   and unlike when he’s experimented with whacking us in the face or climbing on furniture, i can’t physically block him from doing this. 

are we going about this in a healthy way?  is there something else we could try?

many, many thanks.  for all you do!

lindsay.

Hi Lindsay,

First, know that screaming is common toddler behavior and can be caused by any of these things you are postulating: “experimenting with sound, or frustrated that there’s something he doesn’t know how to tell us, or limit-seeking”. But it would only be ‘limit-seeking’ in that it’s a test to see the effect his behavior has on you and your husband… a test of his power.  That definitely doesn’t mean you should try to limit him from doing it as you would behaviors like the “whacking”.

Anyway, as you say, that’s impossible. You can’t “physically block him from doing this.” And, though it hurts your ears, it’s not unsafe for him. It’s an earsplitting way to express himself, but it doesn’t come under the heading of Unacceptable Behavior. Not for a 15-month old. They key is to react to the scream as little as possible, preferably not at all.

With screaming (or shouting or whining), I believe it best to remain unfazed, but stay present and just wait. Instead of asking “What’s wrong?”, I would just say as calmly as possible, “When you’re done, I can try to help you”. Have that be your attitude: I’m here for you. I’m waiting. I’m not going to get wound up. Sometimes you won’t say anything, you’ll just wait.

Since the screaming is becoming habitual, I wouldn’t even get into acknowledging what the scream is about unless you’re sure. Then, when he’s done you might say, “You didn’t want me to buckle your car seat. You wanted to do it yourself.” “It’s hard to wait when you’re so hungry.” Or, “You had some strong feelings about that.”

I know, I know, I know it’s hard not to react when it’s so loud and catches you by surprise. Go ahead and hold your ears, but do it calmly. It’s okay if you have a little reaction, but then try to compose yourself so Miles doesn’t feel too uncomfortably powerful. The sooner it becomes an uninteresting, ineffective, unthreatening (to your sanity) thing to do, the sooner he’ll be able to stop doing it, or at least do it less often.

Some of these screams could also be early tantrums, offloading some of the healthy feelings of frustration he’s having while learning and growing rapidly. His enthusiasm around language development and the way you are handling it sounds wonderful, but there will be times (as you say) when he can’t communicate the things he wants to tell you, which will lead to frustration and possibly screaming or tantrums. The accelerated learning that happens in the toddler years is exciting for a child, but hard, too, and sometimes Miles might need to express how hard he’s working.

Educator Patty Wipfler clarifies this beautifully in her video about “tantrum triggers” (from Hand in Hand Parenting)

Remember, this too shall pass and probably sooner than you think. For perspective, Miles probably wouldn’t do this with a caregiver he didn’t know as well or feel as comfortable with. He screams with those he loves. Sort of a backhanded-compliment? Later on, you’ll no doubt look back wistfully at these days…and if you’re as sentimental as I am, you might even miss those screams (hmmm…but probably not).

Warmly,
Janet

(Photo by A. Witt on Flickr)

The word is wait. And here’s how it works…

1. Wait for development of an infant or toddler’s motor skills, toilet learning, language and other preschool learning skills. Notice a child’s satisfaction, comfort and self-pride when he is able to show you what he is ready to do, rather than the other way around. As Magda Gerber often said, “readiness is when they do it.” Ready babies do it better (Hmmm… a bumper sticker?), and they own their achievement completely, relish it, and build self-confidence to last a lifetime.

2. Wait before interrupting and give babies the opportunity to continue what they are doing, learn more about what interests them, develop longer attention spans and become independent self-learners. When we wait while a newborn gazes at the ceiling and allow him to continue his train of thought, he is encouraged not only to keep thinking, but to keep trusting his instincts. Refraining from interrupting whenever possible gives our child the message that we value his chosen activities (and therefore him).

3. Wait for problem solving and allow a child the resilience-building struggle and frustration that usually precedes accomplishment. Wait to see first what a child is capable of doing on his own.

When a baby is struggling to roll from back to tummy, try comforting with gentle words of encouragement before intervening and interrupting his process. Then if frustration mounts, pick him up and give him a break rather than turning him over and ‘fixing’ him. This encourages our baby to try, try again and eventually succeed, rather than believe himself incapable and expect others to do it for him. This holds true for the development of motor skills, struggles with toys, puzzles and equipment, even self-soothing abilities like finding his thumb rather than giving him a pacifier.

(For more examples of the value of waiting for children to solve problems, please read A Jar Not Opened and A Hovering Parent’s Successful Landing.)

4. Wait for discovery rather than showing a child her new toy and how it works. When you teach a child something, you take away forever his chance of discovering it for himself. –Jean Piaget

5. Wait and observe to see what the child is really doing before jumping to conclusions. A baby reaching towards a toy might be satisfied to be stretching his arm and fingers, not expecting to accomplish a task. A toddler looking through a sliding glass door might be practicing standing or enjoying the view and not necessarily eager to go outside.

6. Wait for conflict resolution and give babies the opportunity to solve problems with their peers, which they usually do quite readily if we can remain calm and patient. And what may look like conflict to an adult is often just “playing together” through an infant or toddler’s eyes.

7. Wait for readiness before introducing new activities and children can be active participants, embrace experiences more eagerly and confidently, comprehend and learn far more. It’s hard to wait to share our own exciting childhood experiences (like shows, theme parks or dance classes) with our children, but sooner is almost never better, and our patience always pays off. (I explain this in much more detail in Toddler Readiness – The Beauty of Waiting and Please Don’t Take The Babies.)

8.  Wait for a better understanding of what babies need when they cry. When we follow the impulse most of us have to quell our children’s tears as quickly as possible, we can end up projecting and assuming needs rather than truly understanding what our child is communicating. This is the basis of my argument with Annie from Ph.D. in Parenting in Attachment Parenting Debate – For Crying Out Loud and the realization shared by a parent in A Toddler’s Need To Cry (One Parent’s Lesson).

9. Wait for feelings to be expressed so that our children can fully process them. Our child’s cries can stir up our own deeply suppressed emotions; make us impatient, annoyed, uneasy, and even angry or fearful. But children need our non-judgmental acceptance of their feelings and our encouragement to allow them to run their course.

10. Wait for ideas from children before offering suggestions of our own. This encourages them to be patient thinkers and brainstormers. Countless times I’ve experienced the miracle of waiting before giving my brilliant two cents while children play, or providing play ideas when children seem bored. Biting my tongue for a few minutes, maybe saying some encouraging words to a toddler like, “It’s hard to know what to do sometimes, but you are creative, I know you’ll think of something” is usually all that it takes for the child to come up with an idea. And it’s bound to be more imaginative, interesting and appropriate than anything I could have thought of. Best of all, the child receives spectacular affirmations: 1) I am a creative thinker and problem solver; 2) I can bear discomfort, struggle and frustration; 3) Boredom is just the time and space between ideas… (And sometimes, the wellspring of genius.)

Instincts may tell us that waiting is uncaring, unhelpful and confidence-shaking — until the results are proven to us. Sitting back patiently and observing often feels counterintuitive, so even if we know and appreciate the magic that can happen when we “wait”, it usually involves a conscious effort. But it’s worth it.

Do you find it challenging to wait? Do you have a magic word of your own? No need to wait to share your thoughts…