My baby boy is 6 months old, and we do all we can to make sure he is happy and healthy. We realize how important good, uninterrupted, restorative sleep is – both night sleep and daytime naps – and I wonder how you might respond to the philosophy of Dr. Marc Weissbluth (“Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child”), who advocates letting a baby over 4 months cry up to one hour for naps and an unlimited time for night so the baby learns to self-soothe and fall asleep unaided. (This is of course assuming that the baby’s needs have been met – he’s fed, comfortably dressed, appropriate room temperature, fresh diaper, no diaper rash or other obvious injury/discomfort, not ill, no coyotes in the crib, etc.)

Weissbluth suggests that when a baby needs  sleep but wants to play or cuddle, we are robbing him of sleep if we constantly go to him. Sure enough, I feel like I’m hindering my baby’s efforts to put himself to sleep rather than helping at all. As soon as he sees me, he immediately wants to be held and nursed, even if he just ate. The problem with that is if he does fall asleep on me, I cannot put him down asleep – he wakes up and cries – and he does not sleep on anyone for more than 15 minutes or so (clearly not restorative sleep). We have done this for hours during the day in an effort to get him to take a nap when he was obviously tired.

Sometimes I believe he simply cries because he is overtired (perhaps from missing the previous nap) and needs to blow off steam before settling down. I never leave the room while he’s crying, but he typically starts once I’m out of sight, leading me to believe he just wants more play time. He typically nods off after a few minutes, but there are times when the crying goes on longer. I’ve been very torn between allowing him to relax himself and going in and rescuing him, even if it meant a missed nap, which is clearly not in his best interest. Any advice would be appreciated.

(This was a comment on my post 7 Reasons To Calm Down About Babies Crying)

Sleep specialist Eileen Henry responds… 

“7 Reasons to Calm Down about Babies Crying” is a great article. And my experience with parents is in line with Janet’s. In the eight years that I have been working as a sleep consultant, I have yet to meet a parent who can leave their baby to cry. Even the parents I meet who do the “Cry It Out” method or “Ferberize” end up going to their child at some point and offering some form of support. Sitting in the next room, listening to the child suffer and having that fight with the parental brain is a doomed scenario…

However, our parental brain still holds obsolete instinctual drives that tell us to “stop the crying” at any cost.  Even though we may intellectually know that all is well (we have the shelter part of our basic needs down — there are no wolves at the cave door),  the intense urge to follow the impulse is still there. We can have a head full of rational knowledge and still have great difficulty convincing the heart to sit back and listen to our beloved baby suffer.

Good news…you don’t have to.

Your reader above raises some very good points and familiar concerns. Once we know all of our child’s needs have been met, now is the time to satisfy the authentic need for sleep…but how do we support our child in their efforts to settle in and get a good, uninterrupted, period of sleep? As this mommy knows, the best way to raise a successful sleeper is to allow the child to learn how to go from sleepy to asleep on their own. And at 6 months of age, “On their own…but with a little help,” might be the ticket.

As mentioned in 7 Reasons To Calm Down About Babies Crying, the parent’s emotional state is key. I put this first in the list of ways to help our children through any disturbance. Since my program, Compassionate Sleep Solutions, is strongly rooted in Attachment Theory (or Regulatory Theory, as I like to call it), the first order of business is to offer soothing from a “self soothed” emotional state. To best help our child emotionally regulate, we must first make certain we (the parents) are emotionally centered.

The second thing I recommend is to try to distinguish between struggle and suffering in the child’s cries. Since struggle is inherent in all development, we can be confident that our child can develop a healthy relationship with struggle by allowing them to have their struggles.

If at any time you hear what sounds like suffering, by all means go in and offer soothing and comfort to your child. We will always respond to suffering, but we can do so without “rescuing” or “fixing” the child’s sleep.

Infants may have many wants, but  until they are verbal (and arguably even then) we will never know what they truly want. But if we are certain that sleep is what they need, we do not want to rob them of this wonderful time of rest and rejuvenation.  I find over and over that acknowledgement, empathy and compassion can be most powerful in helping our children through their learning struggles and inevitable suffering in this life. 

I am reminded of what Thich Hhat Hanh refers to as The 4 Aspects of True Love. And true love is a deep and continual practice of compassion.

1. Is true presence…”Beloved, I am here.” We do this in the care giving routines and rituals of the day. We do our best to be mindful and present.
2. “Beloved, you are here and I am happy.” We do this having already established a strong and healthy attachment and bond.
3. “Beloved, you are suffering and I am here.” We do this by offering acknowledgement, empathy and reassurance.

The fourth aspect is said to be the most difficult for the adult human.  It is because we have fear and pride. Perhaps we have fear that we will not be helped and are therefore too prideful to ask, or perhaps we have been trained to only think of the other:

4. “I suffer…help ME.” We satisfy this as parents every time we sit in a RIE class and share our experience, struggles, parental guilt and fears. We do this with our mommy sisters, partners and husbands. And at every age we can be honest with our children by modeling humanness…”Sweetie I know…I hear you…this is hard for me,  too.” Because we also know what loss and grief are made of. And we know that no one can fix it…and no matter how painful it is…the feeling is meant to be felt. 

Eileen Henry, RIE™ Associate
Compassionate Sleep Solutions™

http://www.compassionatesleepsolutions.com/

303.953.0203

(Isn’t this the best photo ever?! It’s by Sellers Patton on Flickr)

As is often the case, the truth isn’t black or white. When a sensitive, responsive parent or caregiver is open to allowing self-soothing, supporting it, but does not force, demand, expect or abandon their baby to do it, the result is healthy and productive. Affording babies the bit of room they need to help them develop their individual coping strategies in our presence is a loving, mindful practice.

Supporting a baby to self-soothe can mean listening to her complaints for a minute or two while she finds her thumb, rather than immediately giving her a pacifier. It can be about remembering to offer two teethers and allowing the baby to choose one and grasp it herself rather than automatically placing something in her mouth. It might mean allowing our baby to cry in our arms to release her feelings at bedtime instead of rocking, patting, or jiggling her, etc., as explained in “Helping Young Children Sleep” from Hand-in-Hand parenting: 

“Children’s systems are built to offload feelings of upset immediately and vigorously. But our training as parents is to stop them from offloading their feelings! We are taught to give them pacifiers, food, rocking, patting, scolding, and later, time outs and spanking, if the crying or screaming goes on for more than a minute. We are taught to work against the child’s own healthy instinct to get rid of bad feelings immediately. So our children store these upsets, and try many times a day to work them out, usually by testing limits or having meltdowns over small issues. If they can’t offload them during the day, the feelings bother them in the night” – Patty Wipfler

Staying open to the possibility of self-soothing allows babies to actively take part in their care to the best of their ability. As Magda Gerber writes in Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect, “Infancy is a time of great dependence. However, babies should be allowed to do some things for themselves from the very beginning.” This empowers our children and ultimately makes our job easier.

In “Helping Children Learn To Take On Challenges” a story from her book Mind in the Making, Ellen Galinsky shares findings from studies of pre-term infants (born 10 to 12 weeks before their due date) in neonatal intensive care. When the nurses and doctors took charge of the babies’ care without taking the time to read their cues or allow them to actively participate, the researcher, Heidelise Als of Harvard University, noted, “It seemed we were wasting a lot of the baby’s energies that were very precious.”

As Galinsky explains, “When a baby who was initially feisty gave in, the medical charts would record that the baby had become well adjusted. But Als saw a different reality: “The baby had given up. The baby just let the world happen.”

“After documenting and recording behavior, they launched into a study where the nurses “read” and then responded to the baby’s behavior in ways that built on that baby’s coping strategies, and thus gave the baby more control. The results of this experiment were impressive. There was reduced severity of chronic lung disease in these premature babies, improved brain functioning, improved growth and earlier release from the hospital. In addition, their care was significantly less costly,” notes Galinsky.

She then concludes: “Children, even those as young as premature infants, are less prone to the harmful effects of stress when they are supported in managing their own stress by being helped to use the strategies they have for coping and for calming down.”

So, how do we understand and enable a child’s natural ability to self-soothe?

1. Believe babies are competent and capable whole people. Experts who have dedicated their lives to studying infants, Magda Gerber, Dr. Kevin Nugent, and Alison Gopnik, to name a few, have concluded without reservation that even newborn babies are aware, competent, unique individuals.

A recent article in The Irish Times shares passages from Dr Nugent’s new guidebook for helping parents decode newborn communication: “A baby’s “remarkable ability” to get his hand or fist into his mouth -even when he is not hungry – is no random movement. He may do it when he is upset and then settle himself by sucking on it, enabling him to remain alert and examine his surroundings. By this simple act, “your baby is showing you how competent he is and how, even in these early days, the urge to explore his new world is paramount”.

Trust your baby’s competence. She wants to do things for herself, and she can do things for herself. –Gerber

2. Be an observer. Tune in. Learn about your baby. Familiarize yourself with your baby’s individual strengths and vulnerabilities. Try to read her cues and respond accordingly as best you can.

The role of a parent is to continuously assess whether the infant is capable of handling a situation.  For instance, when an infant looks at an object (or maybe reaches for it), many adults rush to hand the object to the infant – not realizing that, by doing so, they deprive the infant of acting spontaneously and learning from his own actions.  …You also know that sometimes your infant does need help, but try to provide just that little amount of help that allows the child to take over again. Let her be the initiator and problem solver. -Gerber

3. Wait. Therein lies the challenge. As singer songwriter Tom Petty said, “The waiting is the hardest part”, and that couldn’t be truer than it is while waiting for a baby as she attempts to soothe herself.

Here’s a video of 4 month old Joey self-soothing, shared with me by her parents, whom I know to be sensitive, responsive and loving. Joey is a happy, securely attached toddler now. (There is a video of her at 15 months in A Creative Alternative To Baby TV Time.) I had planned to edit this video for time, but then realized that leaving it at 2 minutes made it feel more like real time – and just as uncomfortable to watch as it would be in real life. When our babies experience even the slightest frustration or discomfort, seconds can feel like hours (and no matter how old they are it doesn’t get easier!).

As I say so often, “Observe and wait.” Sometimes you may even find out that what you believed the infant wanted was only your assumption.  It is natural to make mistakes and easy to misunderstand pre-verbal children. Nevertheless, it is important to keep trying –Magda Gerber.

Being sensitive to the possibility of self-soothing is the beginning of believing in your baby.

Whether you agree or disagree, I’d love to hear your thoughts…

References (all of which I recommend):

“Helping Children Learn To Take On Challenges”, by Ellen Galinsky, Mind in the Making

“Helping Young Children Sleep”, by Patty Wipfler, Hand in Hand Parenting

Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect, by Magda Gerber

“Know Your Baby“, by Sheila Wayman, The Irish Times

“Your Baby Is Speaking To You“, by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

I am an ardent follower of your blog and always look forward to your posts!  My name is Mandy and I am a stay-at-home-mom to an 11 month old son who is extremely intelligent and aware.  He is able to play by himself for long periods of time and is generally a very happy little man.  Unfortunately, we have had some major sleep issues since he was 3 or 4 months old.  He typically needs 3 – 4 naps per day, each nap only lasting about 1/2 an hour, and about 12 hours of sleep per night.  But, the only way to get him to sleep is by rocking him to sleep (it can take anywhere from 15 -90 minutes each time), and he wakes up at least 3 times per night.  He loves to be held and if I hold him he sleeps much better.  My question is this: how can I help him become a better sleeper?  Should I let him cry it out (even though last time we tried he ended up crying for over 4 hours)? I have tried everything, what should I do next?

Thanks so much for your help and insight!

Sincerely, 
Mandy

Hi Mandy,

Your boy sounds like a great guy! Let’s try to help him find sleep a little more independently.

For the first several months most babies sleep the way you describe (waking in the night for feedings, short naps, etc.). It sounds like you might have tried to make sleep happen a little more quickly and easily by rocking your boy, which created a habit. Most of us do some version of this with our babies, especially firstborns. We feel like it’s our job to make our babies sleep, when actually our job is to create an environment conducive to sleep, then patiently allow it to happen.

You can definitely help him break this rocking habit without leaving him to cry alone, but as with any change in routine, there will probably be some crying and struggle involved. Here are some things you might try…

The basic plan
Make a commitment to do a little less than you are doing and allow him to do a little more. Start with naps, and after a couple of days, transition to the new routine at nighttime, too.

Helpful ingredients
Fresh air, unrestricted free movement and play (those long periods of play are wonderful and even better when they happen outdoors), predictable, peaceful, slow-paced days, taking care to protect against overstimulation — all contribute to healthy sleep. Try to sensitively watch for early signs of tiredness (for some children it’s a dazed expression), because over-tiredness can cause resistance to sleep.

Prepare
First, tell him what you will do and acknowledge the changes. “Today for nap I will stay next to you until you fall asleep. Usually I hold and rock you, but now I’m going to let you relax while I stay next to you. It’s going to feel a little different.” Keep the rest of his bedtime routine exactly the same. For example: a bath, nursing or bottle-feeding, a story, a song, closing the shades or curtains, turning on a music box, etc.

At bedtime
Instead of rocking, just touch if he seems to want that.  Lie next to him if he’s in your bed, or sit next to his crib and be there supporting him, speaking to him soothingly while he settles into sleep. It may be rough the first few times you try this. Calm yourself so that he can be assured that all is well. The first minutes of crying are usually self-regulation, discharging excess energy. If his crying escalates, acknowledge his feelings. “You’re having a hard time calming down.” Some children find it easier to let go and relax if you leave the room, but if your instinct tells you otherwise, stay. If you do leave, be sure to tell him, “Have a good rest, I love you, I’ll be back if you need me.”

Remember to think of this as a very positive journey you are having together, because it is! You are helping him learn something really important — the skill of falling asleep independently. And that means when he stirs at night and wakes a little (as all young children do), he will soon have the confidence and the ability to find sleep again, rather than becoming fully awake and needing your help as he has been doing.  The key is to trust your boy to learn this skill and refrain from interference that conveys to him that he can’t. Project confidence.

“Remember, nobody can make another person fall asleep. How to relax and let sleep come is a skill your child, like everybody else, must learn all by herself.” –Magda Gerber

Results
Once you’ve found a rhythm he will sleep better, and you will sleep better. I’ve seen this happen with families in my classes many, many times. It’s like a miracle. The baby comes to class a different person, plays for longer periods, copes better, and is far more relaxed and focused. The parents are ecstatic and a little stunned, finally remembering what it was like to function with a decent amount of sleep again.

Please let me know what you decide to do and how it works out…

Thank you for your kind words about the blog!

Warmly,
Janet

Please look here for more responses to parents’ questions about sleep. Most were contributed by sleep specialist and RIE Associate Eileen Henry.

(Photo by Stacy Lynn Photography on Flickr.)

My son is 19 months and still nursing frequently. For many months, the pattern was that he would nurse upon waking, at nap time, and then before bedtime. Occasionally he would ask to nurse at other times of the day, and I would usually offer food or water and see if he would take that instead. If not, I would nurse him. The main problem was that he was still nursing several times at night. It wasn’t a big disturbance, so I hadn’t made the effort to change this pattern yet, although it wasn’t ideal.

Then a couple of months ago, he had two weeks of very disrupted sleep. I am not sure what was going on with him, but he woke up often, wanted to nurse almost constantly, and had a hard time falling back to sleep. He would ask for massages, stories, music, but as soon as it was stopped, he would wake up again. This led to very sore nipples on my part, as well as sleep deprivation, so I decided really out of necessity that we would not nurse at night anymore. My husband and I also decided to make more of an effort to put him to sleep without any aids (music, etc), but just with him lying in his bed and one of us sitting beside him until he fell asleep. This actually worked really well at first! We explained to him what was going to happen, that he was going to lie down to go to sleep, and that we weren’t going to nurse anymore at night, but that we could nurse in the morning. So any time he woke up in the night (still co-sleeping part-time), I just told him the same thing: lie down, it’s time to sleep, we’ll nurse in the morning. Usually around 4 or 5am, he would get very insistent about nursing and I would give in, but it still seemed a victory to me to move down to only once a night.

But now this has created a new problem! Instead of nursing only a few times during the day, he wants to nurse quite often. My inclination is to just go with the flow, as I know it is a reaction to ending night nursing. However, my poor nipples are very cracked and sore and I just CAN’T nurse him as often as he would like. I usually try to offer food/water, distract him, tell him we will nurse later, and sometimes let him cry for a while. I have explained to him that he doesn’t need to nurse now because he has teeth and can eat food (contrasting with when he was a baby). But this transition is really hard on both of us right now, and I can’t think of anything else to do. If I could come up with some way to “schedule” his nursing, I think that would help him, because at night it helps him to know that he will nurse in the morning. I just can’t think of a good way to do this that would be clear to him. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

Shereen

Hi Shereen,

Interesting! When you were decisive, direct, clear and honest about adjusting the night time feedings, it wasn’t hard for your son to accept a change and make the transition. (And sadly, 5 AM is morning time for many toddlers. Those of us with multiple children can be ruined forever…early morning risers no matter how late we stay up!)  I believe that if you can be as decisive and clear during the day, your son will accept that, too, with some complaints and maybe some “mourning” about the change. The most important thing is for you to feel certain and confident about the changes you make. 

Infant specialist Magda Gerber taught parents that our needs matter, and that it is extremely positive for our children to know that. Parenting is about a lifelong relationship (hopefully based on mutual respect), not slavery! 

I can relate to wanting to go with the flow. I’m a go-with-the-flow kind of person myself. But the flow isn’t working. You are in pain and discomfort and that is not good for you or your son, and it is especially not good for your relationship, because you are going along with his wishes and against yours, and possibly resenting it. Maybe not yet, but you will. 

Children want and need their parents to be in charge. They appreciate the nested, rooted and secure feeling we give them when we provide structure and guidance, though they are loath to admit it. So do the wonderful job you did with your son for the night feedings. Tell him when you will nurse…once, twice a day, whatever you decide. Don’t distract him. Stay honest and give him options…a choice of a couple of types of drinks in a choice of special cups, or a favorite snack.  Accept all his feelings, acknowledge and encourage them, but don’t waver on whatever you decide. Stick to the plan. Feel good about it.

Your son needs to know that you (and therefore others in his life) have personal boundaries and that he is expected to respect them. Once you have the conviction, the change will be easy. So, I recommend proceeding with confidence!

Please keep me posted…

Warmly,                                                                                                                                                                                                   Janet

A week or two later Shereen responds…

Hi Janet,

Thanks for your reply!

Things do seem to be improving a bit now that I have decided on clear times that we will nurse. I chose times that I thought would be easy for him to understand: waking up in the morning, nap time, and before bed. These are the times that he most commonly asks to nurse anyway, so I just explained to him that we will only nurse three times a day, at those times. Even then, I don’t ask him if he wants to nurse when that time comes around, but I agree if he asks. So sometimes he skips the before bed session, especially if Dad is putting him to bed. This seems to be working well. He still has some difficulty, but I think having concrete times that he can expect and look forward to has helped a lot.

We have had a little backsliding as far as nursing at night…but I am hoping that is just due to a temporary change in sleeping arrangements. Tonight things will be going back to normal, so we will see if it starts to improve!

Thanks for the support and encouragement.
Shereen

(Photo by desireefawn on Flickr)

I have read through all the sleep articles on this website. There are good principles, but I am having trouble applying them. I know writing a simple “how to” is difficult because it’s about the principles, not the method. However, when I am in the middle of a crying session, I get so confused, angry, frustrated, anxious and guilty. In that moment, I feel like I need a “step by step” manual of how to approach it. I am tired of Attachment Parenting’s exhaustion, but I am not willing to just shut the door, trusting that all will be well.

Please advise me.  Thank you so much,  

Susanna

         Dear Susanna,

It is very easy for us mommies to look at typical and normal human emotion and think we shouldn’t have that lot of feelings around our children. I tell new parents, “Here is what to expect when you are expecting…expect to feel guilt…and a lot of it.” Then be kind to yourself and let it go. Be kind and share it with your other mommies and in your circle of support. And then be kind to one another and remind each other what an awesome job you are doing and that guilt does not serve any of us in this incredible task we have before us. 

Confused, angry, frustrated, anxious and tired are the exact feelings that should rise out of lack of sleep. Sleep is 50% of our mental health and plays a major role in our total well being. We are human and we are modeling to our little human animals what this humanness is all about. And as far as I can see, the authentic human experience is pretty sloppy and messy. So, right on…you are human.

I love this….”It doesn’t sound so bad if all you know are other attachment parents, but most of my friends and family follow the Babywise cult and remark how needy my child is when it comes to sleep time. Their babies apparently just “went to sleep” when you lay them down at bedtime.”

It does seem that parenting these days has become a bit “cultish.” I guess I would rather look at it as a kind of smorgasbord (probably because I love food). And what if we could adopt an attitude of…I am going to take what I can use and leave the rest. Then if we see something that looks better, or different, or like something we would like to have in our own lives…we can find a way to reach out and grab for it.

You also got me thinking about principles and method. Which is it? And how are those two concepts different? So I thought I’d start with definitions and picked these as a start. 

Principles – basic truth, law, or assumption, rule or standard, fixed predetermined mode of action.

Method – Established, habitual, logical, prescribed practice or systematic process that is used to achieve certain ends with accuracy and efficiency. It is usually practiced in an ordered sequence or fixed steps.

So I think we are using both here. I like method…I like scientific method…method acting….I just dig method. So much of what I do is to help families come up with a method that fits with their principles, and what they value as parents. Then I help them re-frame some of their existing ideas and see if opening up their hearts and minds to a new concept could help them attain a better end…an end to the day that involves sleep.

So, to come up with a list of “things to do” in the night…in the midst of this… crying/tantruming/”is this struggling or suffering?”/episode…is difficult to do. I would need much more information to give a set of fixed steps. It would be about the principles…about YOUR personal principles. And our beliefs are what limit us the most in this regard. This is probably the most unique thing about my program. I find where parents are limiting themselves and find a way to open their minds to new possibilities.

Developmentally I can tell you this — your child is well past the age of being able to learn the skill of falling asleep and returning to sleep unassisted. And there is a transition in this learning that involves some crying. And I do believe that it is a developmental skill, and that children can handle the struggle of their own development. And no parent ever feels good about shutting the door on their child’s disturbance and trusting that they will be o.k. And you do not need to do that to have success in sleep. It doesn’t matter how many times you go in to reassure your child…it is what you do when you get there. If you fix his sleep for him this is what he will expect you do every time. If you want it to look different…YOU will have to behave differently.

And that is bad news for many parents. Because the consequence of new behavior will likely create the very thing that they have tried to avoid all along…their child’s cries. And it isn’t because we are wrong, weak, or bad…it is because we are parents and we love them.

I hope this helps.

Warmly,

Eileen Henry, RIE™ Associate
Compassionate Sleep Solutions™
www.eileensclasses.com
303.953.0203

There’s more advice and support from sleep specialist Eileen Henry in my Parenting – Sleep section.

(Photo by gingerpig2000 from the Flickr Creative Commons)

About a month ago my baby started pulling to standing, which is wonderful and exciting. However, about two weeks ago she started standing in her crib immediately after I put her down for sleep. She holds onto the side of the crib and screams and cries. I’m not comfortable letting her cry like this for more than 20 minutes (which feels like an agonizingly long time), and so after giving her this time to work it out on her own I typically return to her, try to soothe her, and then put her back in the crib for a second try at the nap or bedtime. Unfortunately this rarely works, and as a result she’s now skipping naps and getting progressively fussy and over-tired throughout the day. Prior to this standing-in-the-crib problem, she had developed solid, predictable sleep habits and it didn’t take more than 10 minutes for her to fall asleep. I’m making a point to give my baby lots of time to stand up and move freely during the day, and I’m sure this will resolve with time, but is there anything I can do to help her now?

Best,
Katie

I forwarded Katie’s note to sleep specialist Eileen Henry, who replied…

Dear Katie,

Good news. Your child has developed healthy sleep habits and will get back to them as soon as she integrates this new skill into her repertoire. You are doing the exact right thing. You go in and acknowledge what you see, “You are standing. It is time to lie down and sleep.” Help her out and then leave the room and wait.

I encourage parents to give what I call one cycle of crying, which is exactly 21 minutes. In that time if you hear what I call cycling, in that the cry goes up and down and has some breaks in it, this is the sound of the brain soothing itself, and this is struggle. Struggle is O,K, and part of all development. If during this time the cry winds down, do not go in. If you do, it can start the cycle all over again.

If the cry winds up and sits at a high level, this is suffering, and you can go in and repeat what you see and that it is time for nap. The most important thing for the parent is to bring an attitude of confidence to the crib. You know she can sleep, and you can remind her that she will sleep again. Assure her that she can sit down and return to sleep.

My daughter did this same thing. I thought I had sleep conquered. I was downright arrogant about it. I had just started developing my sleep program, and it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

It was very humbling. My favorite part of parenting is how humbling it is. But I freaked. I thought, no, this can’t be happening.

It took her five days. And to this day what I believe turned it around, and what turns it around for the many parents who call me with the same issue, is our attitude. When a parent looks at their child with confidence and belief that the child is capable of handling their own development and the struggle that comes with it…it is very powerful. 

I promise she will get through this. She has a solid foundation to return to thanks to your efforts in this area of sleep. Simply remind her with confidence that she can.

Well done!

Warmly,                                                                                                                                                                                                       Eileen

Eileen Henry, RIE^TM Associate
Compassionate Sleep Solutions^TM
www.eileensclasses.com
303.953.0203

(Photo by Sam Pullara on Flickr.)

Below is a note from a parent (Masha) that I had forwarded to Eileen. As it turned out, Eileen’s private response to me as she considered the question was the perfect answer.  She agreed to let me post it …

We’re looking for ways to gradually stop nursing and/or rocking our ten month-old to sleep.  In the past we’ve tried to wean her off these habits, but she’s had difficulty falling asleep on her own, and we felt that her getting rest made her more happy and refreshed during the day (and it has).  But now we’re at a point where she’s happy and refreshed, but we’re less and less so, having to work really hard to help her fall asleep.  It also complicates things when we have a sitter or a relative who doesn’t have our “touch,” so we’re looking for ways to help her fall asleep and stay asleep on her own that don’t involve “crying it out” for prolonged periods.  What would you recommend?

Thanks,                                                                                                                                                                                                       Masha

Hi Janet,

I will try to get to this one soon. It feels like the answer is in some I have already sent, but this could be because it is the most common question, asked by most parents, every day. You would think by now I would have a short answer.

I remember our pre-school teacher saying she had a short answer for almost all of parents’ questions around that age. It was, “Say it, mean it, then do it”.

The problem is the word gradual. That can be a confusing concept for a young child. At every age I say a 24 hour preparation is sufficient. Tell the child…this isn’t working. Show them the new way that will. Literally show them. Walk them through the new way of sleep. Have one last time of the old way and then get on with it.

I assume that “had difficulty falling asleep on her own” might mean that she cried and mom went back to nursing her to sleep. So I think my answer would have to be about coping with the crying around removing the condition that the child has come to believe she needs in order to fall asleep. And that is the child’s experience of loss. It is all about the crying in the end. I spend 90 percent of my time talking parents off the ledge that the cry hurls us onto.

Next week I start with a family of a 14 month old. Mom has been crawling into the crib to nurse the child to sleep. She is now pregnant and it just dawned on her that she will no longer be able to do this with a big belly.

We are so dear, us mommies. We will go to any lengths. With the best intentions (coupled with some obsolete instinctual drives) we will do just about anything to keep our babies from crying.

I have attached two articles from a website I like called Hand In Hand (Helping Young Children Sleep and Listening To Nursing Children). The “listening until you fall asleep” can be a good first step.

I think you will like how these articles address listening to the cry. The practice of compassion is very intense. We sit and listen without fixing it. We sit and witness with an open heart as a human who also knows loss. It is all we bring. And it is plenty. It is enough.

“Yes. I see you crying (acknowledge.) I know this is hard (empathy.) I am here (reassure.)”

Here is what I find astonishing about my RIE children. They truly have a sense of what developmental specialists call “agency”. They understand that they have an effect on their world. They understand that what they do matters. They can and do make a difference.

I guess Magda would say these are the very elements of self-confidence.  So at some stage of development, I forget when, but it seemed around first grade, they rarely looked to me for reassurance. They have that. It is now internal and theirs. And sometimes if I offer it up to quickly they shut me down. They are so clear in what they need from me.

If I just listen, I can hear their clarity. Thanks to RIE, Magda’s teachings and Liz and Hari’s guidance. Because left to my own devices I would still be crawling into the crib, well after my children had moved on.

Warmly,                                                                                                                                                                                             Eileen

Eileen Henry, RIE^TM Associate
Compassionate Sleep Solutions^TM
www.eileensclasses.com
303.953.0203

(Photo by edenpictures on Flickr)

Here is sleep specialist Eileen Henry’s response to a mom who wants to help her toddler transition to finding sleep on her own.

My daughter had the hardest time falling asleep on her own and I was very worried about using the “cry it out” method. So I ended up either holding my daughter in my arms while walking back and forth as she fell asleep, or nursing her to sleep. Well, she is now 21 months and we are still doing the same thing. But now I really feel like I want to start getting her to fall asleep on her own. But I really don’t know how to transition without too much suffering for my daughter. She also sleeps in my bed, so if I leave her alone,  she can just get off the bed (unlike the crib.)
 
So any help would be appreciated. Basically, how do I transition gently? What steps do I take?
 
Thanks so much!
 
Marina

Dear Marina,

Part of what people pay me for is bad news. So you may get some here for free. We must get to the truth, which quite often feels like bad news, in order to get to the solution (the good news.) As Magda Gerber said in many ways, we can change anything we are doing with our children, at any time, but first we must get honest with ourselves and our child and then show them the new way.

At 21 months the typical toddler is well past the developmental stage (1.5 years past) of learning the important skill of falling asleep and returning to sleep without parental assistance. Therefore the longer we offer conditions that fix their sleep for them, the longer they come to believe that they NEED these conditions in order to fall asleep. In this case, holding, walking and nursing. At 21 months the need for the digestive system to rest and repair in the night outweighs the need for food. Therefore, my recommendation is to cut out that condition first.

I’m not sure what you mean by doing the transition gently. You can cut out one condition at a time or make the transition over a period of time. But here is the bad news…there will likely be crying, yelling, complaining and carrying on about it. We respond with gentle kindness. But the child is experiencing a loss. And with loss comes grief. And with grief comes tears. And I think children can handle this with our loving support and compassion. This is a normal and healthy human response to loss.

In a case such as yours, I find what best serves the family is for the parents to get some guidance and most of all support before and during these changes. How best can you prepare yourself and your child for the decision to change what needs to change? You will want to be able to follow through with the changes and create a new way of sleep in your home. And I recommend a way that enables you to get the best sleep you can as an adult. And that is uninterrupted sleep as often as you possibly can.

A very wise woman once told me this– Our children learn in part how to care for themselves by the way we care for them. But as they grow they mostly learn self care by watching how we take care of ourselves.

Making this change is an act of love. Love for yourself and love for your daughter.

Warmly,

Eileen Henry, RIE^TM Associate
Compassionate Sleep Solutions^TM
www.eileensclasses.com
303.953.0203

Eileen has generously agreed to respond to your comments and questions about sleep. Please submit yours here. And thank you, Eileen!

Dear Janet,

I was wondering if you could give me some advice on one thing.

We have a wonderful six-month old boy, who we are trying to raise according to Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber’s thoughts. Ever since he was really small he would lie happily on the floor while we were nearby if he needed us. He is really relaxed and can engage in various activities on the floor for a really long time. But the nights are what trouble us. He used to be a great sleeper, probably not really our doing, but he would fall asleep all alone, and only woke up for quick feeds, then went straight back to dreamland. About two months ago something changed (and honestly we could not think of a reason), and he has had troublesome nights ever since. He is hard to wind down, but now it is more than that. He is *very* upset if we leave him in his bed in the evening and will not fall asleep unless we are talking to him, sitting right next to his cot. We have tried to decrease our presence gradually, but it does not work – he starts screaming. And, when he awakens in the middle of the night, he needs us to go sit there and talk to him. Sometimes he does it over and over for a very long time. I am really worried, because after a night like this he is obviously very tired. And then there are nights when he sleeps right through without a stir.

I would be grateful for any advice,
Anna

Dear Anna,

Congratulations, it looks like your child has successfully mastered one of the important developmental skills of becoming a successful, autonomous sleeper — he is capable of falling asleep on his own. Now that you have observed this and experienced this, how do you hold on to it during all of the changes that will come along and challenge this innate ability?

At six months of age your child is now in the second stage of infancy. And at this stage it is quite common to see a disruption in sleep patterns. The first thing you will want to address is the “when” of sleep by making sure bed time is adjusted to fit the needs of a six-month-old. Whereas the newborn generally goes to sleep between 7:00 p.m. and 8:00 p.m. by six months that time becomes closer to 6:00 p.m. and possibly as early as 5:30. The window of sleep for the 6-10 month old child is 6:00-6:30 p.m. to 6:30-7:00 a.m.

The biggest issue in the discipline of sleep is “how” sleep is done in your home. Since I consider sleep to be a health and safety issue, it is best that the parents are in charge of this realm. Now that your child is more aware of your role in his life and has a complete understanding of who handles all of the complaints in his world, he may start to develop his own opinion as to how HE wants sleep to be done.  His current opinion is that he wants you to stay in the room, talk to him, and watch him fall asleep. He wants what all of our children want at one time or another, and over and over again. He wants you to fix it for him. And since you are well versed in the RIE philosophy, you already know that the more we do for them, the less they are able to do for themselves. Sleep is no different.

I can see that you have tried to ease yourself out of this picture, and when you do so he cries. The cry is what I help parents with the most when it comes to sleep. Struggle (crying) is inherent in ALL development. Our children will cry in their struggles with gross motor development and fine motor development. In learning to walk they will fall down and cry. They might even throw stacking cups across the room in frustration and cry. They will try to communicate with us verbally and throw a fit when we don’t understand them. The young child’s brain is miraculously designed to not only handle these disturbances but actually expand due to these disturbances. 

It is okay to let your child struggle in his efforts to fall asleep and return to sleep. He is already doing it in all areas of development, and he can handle it around sleep as well. And to do this the parent must distinguish between struggling and suffering. Struggling we let happen. When our child is suffering, we show up with love, compassion, empathy and reassurance. Whether our child is 4 months, 4 years or 40 years old…we will always attend to suffering. We attend to it… we don’t fix it for them.

Talk to your son. Tell him how sleep will be. Tell him that you will sit with him and then you will leave the room for him to fall asleep.

Acknowledge: I hear you crying.                                                         

Empathize: This is hard. I know you want me to stay.

Reassure: I am near. You can do it. I will come if you need me.

The separation anxiety your child may be feeling around sleep can be the same that the infant feels in the waking hours. And in RIE we are honest, “I am going into the other room now. I’ll be back.” And we leave with confidence, knowing that we can all have the necessary feelings associated with separation. And it is followed by the satisfying feelings of a warm reunion. We come to them…we are present…and then we go. Over and over again, this is the pattern. And when we can bookend the separation with what Magda Gerber called “100% Wants Nothing Quality Time”, this creates the best possible preparation for separation and a reunion worth waiting for.

With warm regards,                                                                       

Eileen Henry, RIE Associate
Compassionate Sleep Solutions™                                                                                       http://www.eileensclasses.com                                                                                                                                      303.953.0203                                                                                      

Good news… Eileen has offered to advise others with sleep issues here, too. Eileen, thanks!

Anna is sharing her RIE parenting journey here: Every Moment Is Right

The best humor springs from truth, and the actors (with an assist from writer Ed Solomon) brought down the house poking fun at the RIE philosophy, parents and our foibles.

No question, pacifiers are a tremendous temptation — but not for babies — for us! As new parents, we desperately want to quiet our baby’s tears or help him sleep. Sucking is instinctual and calming, but this important need can be fulfilled by nature’s perfect pacifier — the thumb.

For parents, the thumb has obvious practical benefits: it doesn’t get lost, fall on the floor and get dirty, disappear in the night while the baby sleeps, and it is available anywhere and anytime. For the baby, the thumb has the most important benefits of all: it belongs to him, he discovers it, learns how to use it, controls it, and he decides when he needs it.

It is never easy to hear a baby cry, and we mistakenly believe it is our job to quiet a baby’s tears immediately, and by whatever means necessary. But babies communicate by crying, and sometimes they are expressing a particular need, like hunger. Other times they are expressing feelings. When we thrust a pacifier into a baby’s mouth, we are not only assuming a baby needs to suck, we are also disallowing further communication. Babies need their feelings heard, respected and calmly supported, just like we all do.

Infant expert Magda Gerber warned that calming a baby’s cries with a pacifier (or the breast when a baby is not hungry) gives the message, “Don’t do what comes naturally. Do what pleases me, your parent. I am in control of how you should feel and how you should show your feelings.”

Many parents worry that thumb sucking will become a habit, and yet we create the pacifier habit. We buy them when our child is just days old without giving him the opportunity to discover his thumb.  Perhaps we feel more in control of the pacifier habit because we can end the problem by throwing it away.   As Magda Gerber acknowledges in Dear Parent, Caring For Infants With Respect. “The issue is not a preference of pacifier vs. thumb. The real issue is, who is in control?”

The healthy pacifier is the one nature provides. It is easily accessed, always available, and can be used wherever and whenever the child chooses (even as some fetuses do — in the womb.) Life and parenting are so much simpler when we trust nature… and babies.