The freedom we all feel deep within ourselves comes once we understand where we stand in the scheme of things – Magda Gerber

Janet,

On a day when I felt like I have failed as a parent, I found your blog. I have read and read and read — article and entry after entry after article — on gentle parenting, and I just don’t know if it is going to work.

I have a three year old daughter who on most days is difficult, to say the least. She screams, yells, hits, constantly interrupts, tantrums, tells us ‘no’, throws toys, refuses to listen….. There are shining moments when she is well behaved, listens and is wonderful, but it seems like they are few and far between.

I get frustrated. Very frustrated.

We also have an 8mo old son who demands my attention, and my daughter hates it. She is always saying that I HAVE to take care of her first then him. She loves her little brother until I need to give him attention.

We have done time out, toy taking, early bed time, spanking…. Everything that is “normal” to me having come from an authoritarian home . . . but it doesn’t work. Nothing works. The only thing that it does is make everyone involved feel like poo.

My house is chaos. My beautiful girl is not only miserable, but acts like she is scared of us because she hates punishment… our son senses the tension and it causes issues with him. And I feel like a failure as a parent.

I know you are probably swamped with e-mails, but I hope that you get a chance to read this and possibly help enlighten an exhausted momma, because I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Sincerely,   

Kelly

Hi Kelly,

Please forgive me to taking so long to respond. I have been slow responding to all my emails lately, but especially the ones that I don’t have easy answers for (even though those are probably the people who need responding to most!).

And while I’m apologizing, I’m also sorry for all you are going through, that you are doubting yourself and getting discouraged.

It’s admittedly challenging for me to dive in and understand a family’s dynamics from the information in an email. So when I read I look for clues, and then I try to figure out why those things stand out. In your letter it was this: “she is always saying that I HAVE to take care of her first then him.” That statement, along with her being “miserable” and the fact that she “screams, yells, hits, and so on,” indicates to me that the balance of power between you and your daughter might not be as healthy as it could be. She seems to be under the impression that she can exert control in areas that aren’t hers to lead. She sounds unsettled and uncomfortable, and your responses, interventions, and disciplinary measures seem to be unsettling her even more, rather than easing her mind, addressing her need to test her power, and helping her to feel safe, nested, more comfortable and free.

So, how can we help?

Be a gentle leader
Children need to know without a doubt that their parents are their leaders. This may seem obvious, but it’s easy to get a little confused in this area, especially with a strong, bright and verbal child (I’ve been there).

Sometimes a reticence to set clear boundaries stems from being raised in an overly strict home. Perhaps there is a fear of being too authoritative and repeating patterns of response that our parents modeled — responses that felt unloving, disconnecting or even abusive. Or, sometimes the parent is simply inexperienced at establishing healthy boundaries.

But when we don’t make it clear that we are the loving leaders of the house by setting reasonable, consistent limits and taking control, our child has no choice but to feel out of control.

Believe it or not, your daughter isn’t comfortable being in the position of saying, “you HAVE to take care of me first” (which is very different from saying, “I want you to take of me first!”) She doesn’t want the power that implies. It makes her feel unsafe and uneasy to be 3 years old and making those kinds of statements, but this isn’t something she’s consciously aware of, so it’s difficult for us to see, too.

This out of control feeling leads to more out of control behavior, hence the screams, yells, hits, etc., which then make parents feel out of control. Rather than leading confidently, we might react out of anger, frustration and desperation. We might resort to trying to regain control through punishments like spankings and disciplinary tactics like time-out that result in even more rebellion and disconnectedness. This makes us feel like failures.

Family life is easier and less chaotic for everyone when we are all clear about our roles. So, how do we do that?

1) Set limits calmly, firmly, gently, early
By setting limits early, I mean making situations as clear as possible for your daughter before she even begins to act out. This clarity helps parents, too, because those well-defined boundaries keep us feeling on top of the situation and prevent us from reaching our wit’s end — getting frustrated and angry and resorting to punishments. Here’s an example:

You say to your daughter, “I’m getting ready to feed the baby and put him to bed. I’ll be busy with him for the next half hour. If you need something, I can get it now.”

Then after getting her what she needs (a book from the shelf, a snack, whatever), give her a choice. “You can sit in the room with us very quietly or go to your room and play.” You might even ask, “What will you do in your room while I’m busy?”

Let’s say she chooses staying with you quietly, but doesn’t end up being able to manage it and she’s whiny. “I know it’s hard to wait while I’m busy with the baby, but I need your help. I want you to go to your room and play or look at books until we’re finished. Then I’ll have time to be with you.”

Then let’s say she tries to hit you. You hold her hand. “I won’t let you hurt me. I see you’re upset. You can go to your room and hit your pillows, but I won’t let you hit me.”

As strong as your daughter sounds, I imagine she has (and will continue to have) intense negative reactions when you set limits. Don’t be uncomfortable with that. View the yelling, screaming and crying as healthy and positive releases for her. It’s hard being a toddler and really hard also being a big sister and having to share your parents with someone small, adorable and needy. Acknowledge her feelings whenever possible. “I know it’s hard for you when I’m busy with the baby. It’s so hard and upsetting to have to wait, but I know you can do it.”

Try to relax – or, at least, seem relaxed — and maintain composure even if she’s exploding. Eventually, when she knows you mean what you say and she’s unable to rattle you, she’ll settle into a routine of occupying herself when you are busy with the baby.

I went through something similar with my intense and assertive eldest daughter after my second baby was born. She was 4 years old and would complain, cry, scream and howl when I needed time to feed her sister and put her to bed, which used to take me a whole hour. It was a scene for several days. Finally, she discovered on her own that she could spend that time playing in her room with her dollhouse, and that became her self-chosen routine while I was focusing on her sister. I’ve no doubt that a lot of wild things happened in that dollhouse!

2) Acknowledge her point-of-view, but don’t argue it.
When your daughter expresses her disagreement with the situation, especially if her statement begins with “you have to”, acknowledge it calmly, look beyond it to what she’s feeling when there’s time, but don’t argue (‘no, I don’t have to’), negotiate or otherwise give it power. Your short answer might be something along the lines of a sincere, “Thank you for your opinion, but here’s the plan…” A longer response might delve deeper into acknowledging her feelings, which with a new sibling can include anger and grief over the loss of the one-on-one relationship with the parent. Still, make it clear that you hear her feelings, but that you are making the plan, running the show. She needs empathy, but not the kind of “poor baby” sympathy that makes us go soft on behavior limits. In fact, for a child in transition, consistent, firm boundaries are even more vital.

3) Ask her to help.
Help fulfill her healthy needs for autonomy, competence and participation by asking for her assistance with the baby (and anything else) whenever possible.

4) Give reassurance, one-on-one attention and gratitude.
Assure her that her needs will always be met, even though it won’t always be in her perfect time. And don’t forget to provide periods of undivided attention that she can look forward to regularly. Most importantly, don’t forget to thank her for the “shining moments when she is well behaved, listens and is wonderful.”

Hopefully these suggestions will help your daughter understand that her opinions and feelings are always welcome and understood, but family decisions (like whose needs are being met when), will always be made by you, no matter how much she objects. This should help ease her mind (and at least some of the chaos you’re dealing with!).

Please keep me posted!

Warmly,
Janet

For further guidance, please read this wonderful article by Amanda at Not Just Cute: “Roots And Wings: Setting Boundaries And Giving Choices,”  and check out my various posts on discipline and siblings.

Please share your experiences…

Basically, we’ve been in extreme tantrum zone for about 6 months now. They can be over things that seem relatively small – usually around independence. For example, today she had a tantrum because my husband put a straw in her smoothie instead of her doing it. Yesterday she had a tantrum because I was having an ultrasound and the technician wiped the jelly off my stomach instead of letting her do it. Both are things that she normally does herself, so these tantrums are not entirely unexpected. But most of her tantrums do tend to be to do with a certain rigidity in what her expectations are or wanting to do something on her own.

I was looking for guidance as to if I’m on the right track with what I’m doing, or if there’s anything else I could be doing to help her manage her emotions so we can work towards having less and less full-scale meltdowns. What I tend to do is this:

1) Remind her that she can say what she wants in a calm voice (sometimes this will head off a tantrum/meltdown before it happens)

2) If that doesn’t work, let her know that we can talk about what she wants when she calms down

3) If she’s unable to calm down, I will generally go with her to either a bedroom or outside until she is calm enough to talk about it (I don’t leave her anywhere on her own because I’m uncomfortable with time outs etc)

4) Once she’s calmed down (this can be relatively short or quite long and can involve plenty of kicking, scratching, hitting etc where I will tell her that it’s not ok and move away so she can’t hit me), we usually hug for a bit and then I’ll talk to her about what happened and what she could do next time. If she’s thrown anything during the course of the meltdown or tantrum we pick it up.

5) And once all that is done with we go back to what we were doing before

Thanks,                                                                                                                                          Zoey                                                                                                                                                                                                          

          Hi Zoey,

Ah, the extreme tantrum zone. Not a fun place to be.  But kudos to you for the way you are handling everything!  Wonderful that you are allowing your daughter to release her feelings without punishment or judgment, and being there for her when she’s ready to talk or hug rather than relegating her to “time out”. It sounds like you are being as patient, strong and understanding as humanly possible, allowing the tantrums to run their course without becoming emotionally involved or taking her feelings “on”, and stopping her from lashing out at you physically.  Goodness, all this and preggers, too?!

Which brings me to what I believe might help you help your daughter “manage her emotions so we can work towards having less and less full-scale meltdowns”, and that is…understanding the context for the meltdowns and figuring out how to help her deal with that.  Is it a coincidence that you entered the extreme tantrum zone 6 months ago? Um…wouldn’t that have been around the time your daughter became aware of your pregnancy?

So, imagine this… a spirited toddler at a stage of life when her ability to communicate can’t keep up with her desire to express herself.  In toddlerhood, children also have a natural and healthy need to seek autonomy (the need for independence you’re noticing), an urge to control their environment, test their power. Frustration and tantrums are inevitable.

Now add another ingredient, a situation way beyond your daughter’s control. It’s very mysterious, worrisome and possibly threatening (to her sense of security). Her parents are having another baby.  For gosh sakes, she’s going to be a big sister! And isn’t she supposed to feel excited and happy? Everyone around her does! But she doesn’t. She’s worried, along with a bunch of other really confusing feelings. And in her attempt to get a grip on the situation, she goes into ultra-control mode.  Or, in other (bigger) words, your daughter’s developmentally appropriate need to experience autonomy and competence is amplified by the disconcerting impending change in her life. Either way, her family is forced to enter (cue foreboding music) ….  the extreme tantrum zone.

So, how to help?

The good news…because your daughter sounds expressive, self-confident and extroverted, you are not going to have to worry about her hiding her feelings —  pretending to be fine, perhaps a little quieter than usual, but hurting inside. She’s going to let you know.  

From the little window you gave me into your world, I can’t tell if you are already doing these things or not, but here’s what I suggest…

Don’t feel responsible when your daughter doesn’t get her way and falls apart. She is a bit like a pressure-cooker right now, a pot full of simmering feelings, lid ready to pop at any time, hence the “rigidity” you’re noticing.  Yes, it’s great to try to remember to allow her to wipe gel and put the straw in herself, but it’s not always going to work out for her, and chances are that when it does she’ll find another reason to explode.  So, don’t feel you have to scurry around to please her and avoid an explosion. What she needs most of all (especially right now) are confident, stable, unruffled parents who project calm in the face of her storms (and the freedom you are giving her to have them).

Clarify the situation and make a plan. During more peaceful moments together, talk about life after new baby. Give her details about the changes that will occur, an imagined play-by-play of the day with the new baby.  Be honest and realistic.  Toddlers are way too perceptive to believe any whitewashing, and that won’t help her feel settled.  Tell her that although you will be very busy taking care of the baby and not be available for her all the time, you’ll make sure she always gets what she needs (through daddy, grandma, etc.). Tell her that you two will have some special time together each day and maybe once (or twice) a week a special outing that she picks.

Then, later, when you are busy with the baby and she’s upset you can say to her calmly and confidently, “I know you want me to do such-in-such with you now, but I can’t. I know it’s hard to wait, but we will have our time together in an hour (or whatever). I’m looking forward to it.”  She may have to keep testing that limit until she is certain you will hold your ground.

If you can make the outings work, I highly recommend them, even if you can only give her a choice between a walk down the street and a half-hour outing to the park. It’s not about what you do (or even the amount of time), just about being together. From my experience, those little one-on-one dates with your big girl will be very special, just the way dinner dates with a husband feel extra special once you’ve become parents.

Encourage her to process the feelings. Another thing to do in peaceful moments together is to check in with her about her feelings.  The goal is not to get her to label them, but to assure her that anything and everything she is feeling is normal, expected, perfectly all right.  You might put it this way, “When children have a baby brother or sister they have all kinds of feelings. Sometimes, even if they like the baby, they feel really sad or mad. Sometimes big sisters don’t like the baby — even hate him or her — and miss the way it used to be with mom. Those are all fine feelings to have. Whatever you’re feeling now or after the baby, please share it with me and daddy. We want to hear about it and help you feel better if we can. The baby will be hard for all of us, but one thing is certain… our love for you will only grow and grow.”

After the baby arrives, know how extremely postive it is for your daughter to get her feelings out, even though they are difficult and unpleasant to hear. She may need to grieve the loss of her exclusive relationship with you. Encourage it. She will be all right.

I hope some of this helps. Please let me know if you have other questions (or tell me what I got wrong!).

Bless you and your family on this wonderful journey!

Warmly,                                                                                                                                                                                                        Janet

Zoey Martin blogs at Good Goog – Adventures In Parenting and I just noticed she had her baby last Friday! Since most of these suggestions still apply, I’m hoping they can be of some help…  Zoey and family, Congratulations on Baby Piper!

(Photo by Mel B. on Flickr)

Michael Caulder, the dad who made this video and allowed me to share it, writes:

“The best gift we gave ourselves and our kids was committing to RIE and Waldorf. Who knows if we’ll be able to afford Waldorf for the long haul, but RIE principles we can practice forever.”

“…kids are allowed to make up their own games with their own rules and contrary to what you’d expect, these games are usually quite peaceful.

I always thought that kids were these beasts you tried to contain, especially with multiple boys. But generally, with RIE and Waldorf (and enough sleep) they’ll take care of things on their own. Of course, anyone RIE or otherwise will tell you honestly that once you have a three year old, the peaceful demeanor takes many holidays throughout the day; but the beauty is that they always seem to find their way back to a really peaceful base.“

Thank you, Michael!

I am the mother of 3 children — a son, Trevor, who will be 4 in March, and twin nearly-10-month old daughters Kiley and Morgan. Trevor has had quite a year. From Jan-April 2010, I was on hospital bed rest after Kiley’s water broke at 22 weeks. I came home in late April, and Kiley and Morgan came home in mid-May. Then, in August, we started Trevor at a new preschool. He has not adjusted well, and he’s a bit out of control. Some days are great, and he’s the caring, sweet, loving, sensitive boy I know. Other days are awful from the moment he wakes up until the moment he finally goes to bed. He won’t listen, he’ll ignore you completely, he’ll act out some more– he seems to be going for the negative attention. I can’t blame him — his sisters are a LOT of work, and since I work part-time and my husband works full-time, the times he’s home are hectic. I can’t give him all he needs, so he acts this way. He’s also acting out at preschool, which I have a sinking feeling about — I don’t think it’s the right place for him (too structured, too academic), but I don’t know if we have many alternatives at this point. But at school, he refuses to color, or cut, or do whatever, and he cries, screams, and is generally disruptive. He seems to have a lot of anger; also, I’m sure, stemming from being the big brother of twin girls and harried parents.

I’m heartbroken — I feel like we’re losing him, like he’s going to grow up feeling unloved, angry, and unwanted.

Do you have any strategies for how we might break through, to get our boy back? We’re just at our wit’s end and have scheduled time with a psychotherapist to help too.

Thanks in advance,                                                                                                                                                                               Alison  

          Hi Alison,

I understand your deep concern, and I hope I can ease your mind by assuring you that your boy is not lost or changed forever!  It sounds like he’s hurting and confused, but I believe that you and your husband can definitely help ease this situation, especially since you seem to understand him so well. I had an experience along these lines with one of my children and certainly remember the heartbreak (and wrote about it in The Easily Forgotten Gift.)

I have some thoughts to share based on the few details you’ve given me (please excuse me if I suggest things you are already doing!).

My sense is that Trevor in having difficulties for two main reasons…

1) He is still struggling to process his feelings surrounding the stressful events of the last year. The three you mention are biggies: the separation from you in the hospital; the birth of his sisters and the way that has shifted his relationship with you and your husband; and beginning preschool.

2) He isn’t getting enough of the one-on-one attention he needs. This isn’t about quantity as much as it’s about regularity, setting aside a few minutes together each day, preferably at a similar time, with you or your husband (or both), time alone with you that he can always count on and look forward to. It can be while the babies are napping, asleep in the evening, or when there is another person there to care for them.

Confusing, conflicting, unexpressed feelings

Whenever you can, encourage Trevor to share any feelings about recent events he might be repressing, unsure or confused about. If you’ve done this already, do it some more. It’s hard even as adults to sort through feelings, recognize and come to terms with them. Imagine how difficult it must be for toddlers to understand their emotions when they have no past experience, no reference for them?

Ask Trevor how he felt when you were in the hospital, totally unavailable to him. Acknowledge how difficult that must have been, how much he must have missed you.  With a totally nonjudgmental attitude, welcome him to express any anger or rage, sadness, fear, anything.  Be calm and empathetic like a therapist. Don’t pity him, and try not to project any of your own feelings (guilt, regret, etc.).  It will probably be hard to get him to connect with his feelings and even harder to talk about them. That’s okay. The fact that you are encouraging him, assuring him that it is more than okay for him to feel any of his “bad” feelings, and that they aren’t bad at all, will bring him comfort.

Likewise, help Trevor unload any grief, anger and resentment about the big change in his life when the twins came and he suddenly had to share his mom and dad with not just one, but two adorable, needy babies. On top of everything else, children in this situation commonly feel guilty for having negative thoughts and feelings when the general attitude of everyone around them is “aren’t you excited to be a big brother, and don’t you just love your precious baby sisters?” Toddlers often experience the birth of a sibling as a loss. It alters their position in the family and, they fear, in their parent’s hearts, too.

Help Trevor to explore his feelings about preschool also. Like having a new sibling, this is a situation that is “supposed” to be positive, but has downsides that Trevor needs acknowledged. He’s away from the comfort of home and family, dealing with lots of stimulation, new rules and expectations.

It’s counterintuitive for most of us to acknowledge negatives with our children. We are afraid that bringing them out into the open will make everything worse. Surprisingly, it usually has the opposite effect. Opening the door for our child to vent the “dark” feelings about a situation helps to ease them and allow them to pass, making it easier to see the bright side. Children feel relieved, understood, deeply loved.

“I hear you. You don’t want to go to school today. You don’t like the teacher, and you hate coloring and cutting. I understand. That’s a bummer, and it’s perfectly okay to feel that way, but today you must go. I’ll be back soon to pick you up.”

Paying attention

Setting aside 20 to 30 minutes a day to give Trevor your undivided attention will mitigate his urge to seek negative attention. 

When you or your husband are giving Trevor his time alone with you, allow it to be whatever it is, whatever he wants or needs it be. Follow his lead. It might be a time for him to release negative feelings, complain and cry, play with toys while you watch him, or a jolly, cozy time together. He might need to act out or test you and be assured that you will calmly set the usual limits. Try not to have expectations.

It would be wonderful if you could arrange to have a regular outing with Trevor one afternoon or morning a week to a place of his choice (within reason). A special weekly outing together was hugely beneficial for my relationship with each of my daughters after a new sibling was born. I still make a point to set aside alone time with each of my 3 children, even if it’s just reading a book before bed, though not as regularly now that they’re older. I have some very precious memories of those times together.

Play therapy

Self-directed play either alone or with peers is highly therapeutic — helps children to process their feelings and release stress. I would love to see Trevor have loads of opportunities for free play every day. From your description, it doesn’t sound like his school is providing enough of this for him. (I’m not a fan of academic instruction in preschool, and explain why in 4 Reasons To Ditch Academic Preschools.)

If there is any possibility of switching to a more play-based school, or even keeping him home during this “crisis” period, I would consider it. Either way, give him plenty of time for unstructured, independent play when he’s home. And know that even the best schools are a little stressful. Children often come home from a wonderful day at school exhausted and grumpy and take it out on us, the people they feel safest with.

Trevor is blessed to have such sensitive compassionate parents. I hope some of this helps! And I hope you’ll stay in touch.

Warmly,                                                                                                                                                                                               Janet

(Photo by haley8 on Flickr)

I would love to hear your thoughts/advice on the apparent “stage” my son is going through. (I hesitate to call it that, since I am somewhat tired of being told it’s a stage, he’ll grow out of it, etc. But for lack of a better term, “stage” it is.) B has just turned three. I may be biased, but he is a bright, articulate, funny child who has, over the past few months, gone from a talk to anyone two-year-old to a shy, withdrawn three-year-old. We are weeks away from welcoming our second baby and it seems to me, that he is getting more and more withdrawn as the pregnancy progresses.

This is not really the child I am used to. We’ve had our moments, of course, but he has always been very independent and able to play well at daycare or friends’ houses. Unfortunately, we are in a time of huge transitions. We’ve just had to say goodbye to the daycare director he has been with for almost two years. He is now adapting to a temporary replacement, who will only be there for a few weeks. After that, we will be going through this transition again for the permanent replacement. Yesterday was the first day I took him to “her” house without her there. He was in tears before we even got out of our car and was adamant that he go home with me. It was hard for me to walk away from that situation and leave him when he was upset. I knew he would be fine and trusted the caregivers he was with, so I forced myself to walk away. (And, yes, over the course of the day, he was fine!)

We just went through a similar situation this morning at his preschool. He used to run in the door and not worry about me. Now, he hangs his head when the teacher says hello and clings to my leg so that I don’t leave. I had to physically remove his little hand from my pants this morning and turn him toward to the teacher so I could walk away. This is heartbreaking for any mama, much less a pregnant one!

It isn’t just preschool, either. He often wants to sit with Mom or Dad when we’re at friends’ houses, birthday parties or anywhere where there are large groups of people. For the most part, all of these people are familiar to him, yet he will say very little to them and would prefer to be on his own. We give him the space and time he needs to warm up and try to let him lead the way when he is comfortable.

I was a shy child. And if this is simply a shy child, okay, but it just seems so different from the way he was several months ago. I desperately want to help him though all of these transitions and try and ease whatever fears he has but I just don’t know how. I’ve given him the chance to talk about the new baby and he admitted he isn’t excited about that. I told him that was okay and that he should tell me what worries him. I’m just not sure how to relate the two issues (baby and shyness) when I talk to him.

Forgive me for being long-winded but until I have no anxiety about theses situations, they aren’t going to get easier for either of us!

Thank you for listening!
Cheryl

Hi Cheryl,

I know how hard it is to see clearly when you’re in the thick of it, but from my point-of-view your son’s “stage” makes PERFECT sense. He’s simply reacting to the stage you’re in – pregnancy — and all the feelings you’re having around it.

First, I wouldn’t be concerned about him becoming ”shy” or mention anything to him about shyness, unless you speak about it as a transient feeling, i.e., “Are you feeling shy? Come, sit next to me.” I was dubbed “shy”, too, but the “shy” label (like all labels) can be perceived as a pronouncement or judgment.

It sounds to me like he’s understandably worried, unsure and unsettled about the impending, somewhat mysterious change in his life, and that’s causing him to regress a little — withdraw, feel clingy and needy. The best way to handle this, in my opinion, is to realize that his behavioral changes are normal, natural and temporary, and welcome them.

Yes, he must continue to go to school and may cry when you leave him, and the changes in his daycare have made matters worse, but he’ll cope.  As uncomfortable as it is to for his sensitive pregnant mommy to see his tears, keep in mind that it’s really good for him to release some of his tension, shed some of the confusing mix of feelings he’s carrying around. Don’t talk him out of any feelings. Acknowledge them and keep encouraging him to talk about them to try to sort them out, reminding him how normal they are.

“He often wants to sit with Mom or Dad when we’re at friends’ houses, birthday parties or anywhere where there are large groups of people…We give him the space and time he needs to warm up and try to let him lead the way when he is comfortable.”

Keep handling social situations this way, allowing him to be the one to pull away from you and decide when (or if) he wants to interact with others. Embrace his clinginess (literally) and enjoy having him on your lap. Soak up these last days of it being just the two of you (or three, with daddy).  Even if he spends the entire party on your lap (if you still have a lap) or right next to you, so what? Don’t worry about it or project even the tiniest bit of disappointment in him. This is an instance when “letting go” is best.

Trust your son’s need to withdraw, and allow him to, no matter how uncharacteristic or unreasonable the behavior might seem, but don’t let go of rules and limits if he acts out. The anticipation of the birth of a new sibling and the adjustment in the first months afterwards causes some children to test by misbehaving. If we feel sorry or guilty, we might follow an impulse to give in and allow misbehavior rather than setting the usual limits. Children in difficult transitions actually need the opposite — to feel even more “nested”, reined-in by our firm, consistent boundaries. When our kids are feeling wobbly, which usually (and inconveniently) coincides with our own wobbliness, they need us to stay on the ball, kindly setting them straight. I know this isn’t your issue right now (be grateful!), but it might happen later.

Most importantly, please relax, breathe deeply and try not to add any of your anxiety, worries, guilt or fear to the equation. This will pass, I swear, and soon your boy will revert back to being his friendly, articulate, outgoing and funny self. Some children calm down considerably as soon as the baby’s born. Others take a few more months to transition to a change they perceive as both positive and negative. Accept it all with open arms. Try to enjoy all the ups and downs of this exciting chapter in your life, and please let me know how it goes…

          Take good care…I’m excited for you!                                                                                                                           

         Janet

(Cheryl writes stories about parenting and creativity on her blog PicPoetProse.)

I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been through this….how did you handle it? I’m sure Cheryl would like to hear from you, too.

I am very fortunate to have been introduced to RIE, as my children’s childcare providers shifted to a RIE based program.  We have been very happy and impressed with this shift, and we are trying to incorporate much of the RIE philosophy into our own parenting.  I found it very helpful to read Magda Gerber’s books to get examples, and see scenarios to help guide my interactions.  I would love a resource to help me figure out how to apply the RIE philosophy to my older son — almost 4. It is challenging to adapt what seems to be appropriate for infants and young toddlers to this preschool age (and older).   

In general, I get it, but I could really use help figuring out how to deal with situations when he runs away, won’t listen or engage at all or just yells, “stop talking to me” again and again.  I also do not know what to do when the two siblings have a conflict.  I see that at school with the infants and toddlers, they really let them work most of it out.  But when my almost 4 year old snatches something from his 16 month old brother, it seems like the power difference is so great that I am not sure this is appropriate.  

I would love suggestions for resources to help!  I am sure there is something in your blog about at least parts of this, but I have not found it yet. 

Thanks in advance for any suggestions and for your insight.

Hi,

Sorry it took me a while to get back to you!  

Four year olds can be very challenging. Like age two, it can be a time of testing and rebellion. Being a big brother, sharing your mom and dad with a younger “rival” can be tough, too. It is a little hard for me to guide you without knowing, for example, what it is you are saying that your son doesn’t want to hear, or where you are when he’s running away. Running away when you are walking on the street or somewhere else that is potentially dangerous is one thing (and I would insist he hold your hand when you are on or near the street, in a parking lot, even on the sidewalk). Running away when you are trying to tell him something at home is another.   

Generally, try to see his misbehaviors as just impulses — behaviors that he will learn to control — rather than viewing them (or him) as “bad”. In the meantime, you are there to guide him by helping him regain self-control. Getting upset, lecturing (even briefly) during the episode can fuel the fire and cause him to act out more. The approach I describe in my discipline post No Bad Kids – being kind, but firm, unemotional and “in charge” — works best for this age, too. Stop him, but don’t get mad. Specifics would really help me view the situation more clearly. 

I would calmly stop the 4 year old from hitting or hurting his brother, but snatching toys is going to happen and I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it.  Little brother probably doesn’t mind as much as you do. If you ‘charge’ the small stuff with a lot of energy, it can make things worse for both of them. It would be great if little brother could have a safe, gated-in area where he can play. Older brother could be allowed to go in and join him if he is in a calm mood. This also allows him to keep his older child toys (especially those that are unsafe for his brother) to himself, away and protected.  

I HIGHLY, HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend the book Siblings Without Rivalry. I re-read it all the time. Also, as it happens, we are discussing sibling issues on my community forum right now! 

I encourage you to try posing a couple of your questions in my new Community section, and here’s why… Many of the people who have joined so far are professional caregivers. At least three of them have their own child care centers. Two others are RIE home caregivers. A few are already RIE Associates, some are enthusiastically training. There is a wealth of information that they could share with you. We also have a book review section, and I’ll bet you can get some recommended resources that are RIE compatible and geared toward children your older son’s age. I can’t think of anything to suggest myself besides Siblings Without Rivalry, or 1, 2, 3, The Toddler Years. You’ll see with your younger son that by practicing the RIE principles with an infant and toddler you create a relationship dynamic that naturally extends into later years. 

I hope this helps! (Thank you for asking!) 

Take care,

Janet 

P.S. One of my favorite children’s picture books is about a mother dealing with a rivalry between two sons.  It simply and exquisitely captures the feeling I’ve had of loving each of my children differently, but with equal passion.  I Love You The Purplest always brings tears to my eyes. It might bring some clarity and comfort to you and your boys. 

Eventually, I would settle in. I was athletic and relatively tough (playing ‘Five Fingers of Death’ in an apartment with brothers will do that), so at some point I would insinuate myself into the social order through sports or general rough housing, gain enough confidence to relax and forge friendships.

In common parlance, shy is synonymous with bashful and suggests a shrinking away from contact with others, an avoidance of scrutiny and attention. That certainly describes me as a child. I did not want to be noticed, especially by well intentioned adults who felt honor bound to drag me from my shell. But when I flash back to situations that were truly excruciating (i.e. first day of kindergarten), my sense memory recognizes feelings of anxiety and a good dose of fear.  So, shy seems a rather understated, generalized descriptor.  

Why was I afraid? I can only speculate, but probably an unfortunate combination of nature and nurture. Perhaps I came out of the shoot subdued and circumspect (‘still waters’, don’t you know). While my parents were caring and reasonably available, I had a significant surgery when I was less than two years old and spent some time in the hospital – with strangers, of course.  I don’t remember the experience, but I must assume it rocked my confidence in a secure, predictable world.

I also had an older brother who was not pleased with the fact of my existence.  As the intruding second child, I was the target of his anger, natural jealousy and plenty of mischief.  I was not going to be happy if he could help it. Nothing horrendous, but certainly a constant, unpredictable threat, physical and emotional. And, no doubt, I treated subsequent siblings likewise. As our family grew (six kids), opportunities for moments of my mother’s complete focus and attention became less frequent. The new babies’ physical needs took precedence over my emotional ones.

When I consider my own children who have had the benefit of Magda Gerber’s RIE philosophy in their upbringing — respect, focused attention, empathy — I find support for my personal nature/nurture theory. As infants and toddlers, each of my kids was — to varying degrees — socially subdued. Like me, none was the kind of child who dove unthinking into unfamiliar situations with other kids. They would sit back and observe the action silently, taking stock of the personalities and social dynamic in the room.  Eventually – whether in 10 minutes or 30 – they would perceive a point of entry and make their own decision to join in. Or not. But we did not push them to ‘go make friends’ or label them shy to explain their behavior to other parents.

I consider all of my children (again, to varying degrees) to be socially confident — even adept — certainly more than I was at their age, and older. Perhaps their instinct to hang back and watch was inherited.  But I never sensed in their demeanor a hint of anxiety or fear. They seemed comfortable. I have to believe this is because as infants and toddlers they had a very different nurturing experience than mine. 

Happily, none has spent time in a hospital or any other situation where they were separated from their parents for any length of time. And as RIE infants , their world was always relatively stable and secure. Rarely were they placed in situations that could be considered out of their own control — being handled without their permission by well-meaning friends and relatives; overwhelmed by sensory input like movies, TV or loud music; or carted around adult parties like an accessory.

Furthermore, emotionally, physically and intellectually they were allowed to develop naturally. They were not pushed to reach age appropriate benchmarks, or coached to say or do things to make their parents proud. Their successes were their own, and as a result, all three children gained confidence in their abilities to navigate the world on their own.

I learned to compensate for my social inadequacies by consciously pushing myself forward. I am the first in a room of strangers to step forward, introduce myself and shake your hand. I’ll compliment your dress or hair or shoes or kids, or make a self-deprecating joke to put you at ease.  Sometimes I overcompensate and come on too strong. I’m a work in progress.

But when I meet a toddler for the first time, I am a very different kind of stranger. I will not initiate any physical contact. I will not demand a handshake or a ‘high five’ or a hug, drill the child with questions, or get in his face with a stand-up routine to put him at ease.  These are social rituals adults have invented that have nothing to do with the feelings of the child, and for a shy kid, it is most certainly uncomfortable at best, excruciating at worst. He is on stage, all eyes awaiting an appropriate response, compelled to interact awkwardly with a stranger so as not to embarrass his parents. 

I am happy to say that my respect for a toddler’s boundaries comes naturally. It is bred from empathy but confirmed by Magda Gerber’s  approach to child care. Surely, no one can have more respect for a reserved child than an adult who was himself once labeled shy.

If we can believe the many “twins studies”, our child’s future is largely dictated by genetics, mapped at conception. So why not jump into the passenger seat and just enjoy the ride? Because most of us sense that we do have a role besides worrying, loading and unloading babies in car seats, and embarrassing them by the mere fact of our existence when they become teenagers.  

My own experience leads me to believe parents have an enormous influence on our children, especially in the areas of self-confidence, security, sense of self. We are the ones who help our child to “feel comfortable in his own skin”, to stay inner-directed, intrinsically motivated. We encourage our baby to know himself, to stay in tune with his genetic propensities, his talents and desires. We can’t change our child’s nature, but we do have the power to help him feel connected to who he is and feel satisfaction (or dissatisfaction) with that person.

Here are some ways to encourage a baby’s secure and positive sense of self…  

A place and time to nurture baby ideas.

Soon after our baby is born she is capable of making choices, initiating thoughts and activities of her own. If we give our infant uninterrupted time and unrestricted movement in a safe place, she can begin to “have a life” between sleep, feedings and diaper changes — a life that is hers – one that is not centered around, or dictated by her parents.  

This taste of independence will develop into long periods of play that our child will use to learn about herself and her world. The ability to find comfort and joy playing independently is a gift that keeps on giving for her parents, too.

Receptive mode.  

We encourage our baby to be herself when we quietly observe and are responsive during her playtime, rather than directive. This sounds easier than it is. Resisting the urge to point our baby to an object she may not have noticed yet, or teach her how a particular toy works can be an interesting and rewarding challenge.  

Infant specialist Magda Gerber guided parents to allow a child to be the writer, director and lead actor when she plays. Parents are best designated set designers, responsible for creating a baby’s play space, and then asked to take a seat on the floor in the front row. Relinquishing any parental agenda sends our baby a powerful message of trust and acceptance, “Whatever you choose to do when you play is interesting to me. It’s ‘enough’,” rather than, “Don’t do what you feel like doing, do this.”    

Acknowledgements, rather than praise or rewards.  

Our babies aim to please us, and it is a challenge, albeit a worthy one, to protect their intrinsic motivation. It’s key to fostering a connection with self.  Sometimes it is as simple as acknowledging, “You did it,” when our child accomplishes a task while looking into our baby’s eyes with a proud smile and restraining our impulse to applaud, or give an automatic seal of approval “Good job!”  

The goal is for our child to own his accomplishments (like learning to walk, completing a puzzle, reading, or using the toilet), rather than feeling pushed or bribed to do those things to please others.  

We also want our child to continue to choose the activities he enjoys — and enjoy the activities he chooses — just for the sake of doing them. In his book, Punished By Rewards, Alfie Kohn advises against the use of rewards because they can teach children to stop enjoying a “process”. If a child is given a prize for the amount of books he finishes, it can make him distrust his love of reading. “Why am I being bribed to read? It must not be fun.”  

Trusting our child to keep choosing.  

As our child gets older, we encourage her sense of self when we remember to allow her to make choices whenever she can, especially when involving play and extracurricular activities. My husband and I have taken this approach to an extreme, and it’s worked wonderfully for our family. We wait until our children ask to try a specific sport, hobby or lesson, don’t push our preferences on them, and allow them to quit when they are done.  By waiting for an idea to come from our child we can be assured that the interest is hers, not ours, and can also trust that she is probably ready for whatever it is. Some parents would disagree with this approach, but our theory is that our children know themselves and therefore what they need to work on much better than we do. And we want to keep it that way.

Label-free siblings.  

It’s common for parents to give labels, or stake out specific territories for children, especially if they have more than one child. Parents believe it encourages their children’s individuality when they identify Jenny as the soccer star, Robert as the trombone player, Molly as an ace at math, etc.  But these roles are limiting, and instead we should give our children the freedom of all options being open — they can all be soccer or trombone players, whether or not they have a special aptitude, or at least explore those things as they wish.  

Accept all feelings.  

It is a parent’s job to give a child loving, but firm boundaries and limit inappropriate behaviors, but not the feelings which cause those behaviors. Since our emotions are our core, parents must be careful not to punish, judge or even correct the emotions that cause misbehavior. If a child’s darkest, most unreasonable feelings are acceptable to us, he doesn’t have to detach from, deny or bury those parts of himself and can retain his healthy self-image.  

Many of us can relate to a feeling of disconnect with self and a struggle to regain intrinsic motivation. As parents we have the opportunity to offer our child a different experience. When we nurture our baby’s individuality by allowing her to stay in touch with her true self, she can grow up feeling comfortable and proud of the person that she is, more able to trust her instincts, accept her feelings and those of others. Surely, this is one fundamental key to happiness?  

“I yam what I yam and tha’s all what I am.”  -Popeye

This is my kind of silliness. These family games are creative, simple, and spontaneous. They need almost no preparation and only minimal equipment, just household stuff. They are unplugged, screen-free, non-board games that un-bore children, and they are all about playing rather than producing something, or winning and losing. Best of all, they don’t cause mess-ups that disappoint everyone and make a parent (hmm…) look foolish because she didn’t inherit the ‘crafty’ gene. 

Some of these games you’ll recognize. The more eccentric ones originated in this family. Honestly, a couple of these are so odd that I wonder why my kids enjoy them so much, but the giggles they generate and the repeated requests to play them cannot be denied! 

Folding Game – (pictured twice above) For at least 2 players, better with 3, ages 4 to 104. (Need paper, crayons or markers.) 

Take one piece of paper per player and fold it into horizontal thirds (or quarters, with 4 or more players). Each player draws a head and shoulders of some sort (person, animal, vegetable, mineral, monster, alien, whatever) in the top folded section.

Continue the shoulder lines very slightly into the next folded section to give guidance to the player who will continue on that page. Then fold the page back to hide what you have drawn and expose the rest of the paper (with just the little lines of guidance showing) to the person next to you.   

Each player then draws a mid-section of any kind, including hands and arms (if your creation has any) in any position. Continue the lines of the hips and the tops of legs very slightly into the bottom folded section, fold back to expose only the bottom section to the player next to you and pass on. 

Last round, everyone draws legs and feet.  Finally, unfold and enjoy your communal person/beast. Name him/her/it, if you like!  

Sardines In A Can – 3 players or more (the more the squishier!), ages 2 To 102.

This is the classic game of hide ‘n seek turned inside out. One player hides, the others find him and snuggle in next to him in his hiding spot. The last player to find the hiding spot opens a can of very giggly sardines. (For safety, youngest players should team-up with someone, not go hiding on their own.) 

Close Your Eyes And Open Your Mouth – Parent and 1 child or more, ages 2 to 102. (Need a kitchen and some food.) 

Players take turns closing their eyes while mom, dad, or trusted older sibling brings tiny bites of various edible items. Players guess what they are tasting. As tempting as it is to take full advantage and pop in those highly nutritional foods our children always nix, I’ve found (for the sake of fun and trust!) it’s best to hold the cod liver oil and give samples they can at least tolerate. 

Copy – 2 or more players, ages 3 to 103. (Need paper, crayons or markers.) 

This one’s really simple, but my children have played it with me – and better yet — with each other for hours. 

Each child has a piece of paper. One child draws a shape, dot, figure, or whatever, on his paper. The other child tries to copy it onto his paper, and then adds something more. 

The first artist then copies the other child’s addition to the drawing on his paper and adds something more. This copying back and forth continues until the children decide they are done. They end up with two drawings that are similar, but surprisingly different. 

Charades – At least 2 players, but the more the merrier, ages 3 to 103. (Need small scraps of paper, pen or pencil.) 

This game is a personal favorite. Since I loved charades parties in my teens and twenties, I wanted to introduce the concept to my children as soon as they were old enough to understand it. Younger children can begin by recognizing an image and acting out what it represents.  

There is a wonderful charades board game, Kids On Stage, which includes picture cards in three categories: animals, actions and objects. Children embrace the challenge of slithering like a snake or pretending to swing on a swing.  We soon memorized all the cards and with the slightest twitch we could shout out which one it was.

Charades has now become a favorite after dinner party game when we have family or friends over. The younger ones need a little help and encouragement at first, but soon everyone is willing to go out on a limb, behave foolishly in hope that the movie, book, or famous person they are acting out is recognized, and join in the (often hysterical) laughter. 

Spice Girls – 1 adult, 1 child (girl or boy) or more, ages 2 to 102. (Need spices.) 

This is a guessing game variation on “Close Your Eyes And Open Your Mouth” that my daughters and I invented.  One person closes her eyes while the other holds a spice jar under her nose, and she then has to distinguish the spice. Adults should try this one, too. It’s tough! And some of the most commonly used spices have a surprisingly unappealing smell. 

Scavenger Hunt – At least 1 child, the more the merrier, ages 3 to 103. 

Scavenger hunts take some preparatory work for the parent, but the joy of sending children out to explore and discover nature is well worth the trouble. There were summers when my children wanted to do this almost every day, and I happily obliged. 

We are blessed to live in a semi-rural area and have a large un-manicured yard. I would wander about, noting the colors, shapes and designs of leaves, small rocks, flowers, etc., and make a list. When the children were pre-readers, I drew little pictures. Jennifer Kirkpatrick shared my suggestions on her website: Parents Only Zone, and she includes a printable illustrated scavenger hunt list.

The search gets more complex as the children get older and might include items like “a piece of eucalyptus bark the length of your humerus”, or “a live isopod crustacean” (roly-poly bug). The hunt always ends up being creative, educational and fun (for me, too). 

I hope these play ideas come in handy, or inspire spin-offs of your own. I admit to often groaning inaudibly when my children ask me to play, but I have never regretted saying yes.  Playing together bonds us, creates memories, rituals, family lore, and carves time out of our busy lives to focus on each other. In fact I’ve made a pact with my kids for this summer: Wednesday night is game night. So, please forgive me if I don’t answer the phone (or post). I’ll be getting back to you Thursday morning!

Yes, I understand parents wondering, worrying and feeling impatient about successful toilet training, even though it is something every healthy normal child eventually achieves. But we can create resistance, distrust, even shame when we coax a child to the potty one moment before he’s ready.   

One problem is the word ‘training,’ which gives us the impression that we must be proactive in a process that is best advised to happen naturally. When children are ready, they train themselves. If we are patient and create the atmosphere of acceptance our child needs to initiate his transition from diapers to toilet, he will master the skill easily, and gain the feeling of autonomy he deserves. 

Readiness is the key. Children must be ready physically (have bladder and bowel capacity and muscle control), cognitively (be fully aware of what they are supposed to do), and they must be ready emotionally to let go of a situation they are used to and comfortable with (urinating and releasing feces into a diaper whenever they feel like it.) 

Parents lay the groundwork for the child’s readiness when, beginning at birth, we make diaper changes an enjoyable, cooperative time together, and respect the baby by slowing down and talking him through each part of the process. 

When the child begins to show signs of toilet readiness (he lets you know he has urinated, wants the wet diaper removed immediately, and then begins to tell you before he urinates), it might be time to have a small potty on hand.  Then, every person who cares for the child are advised to be on board to refrain from asking the child to use the potty, or nudging in any way. Some children are extremely sensitive to being pushed in this area, and reactions can be as extreme as holding feces in for days, or having to put a diaper on and hide to be able to have bowel movement for years after having been supposedly ‘trained’. 

I have seen cases where children began a pattern of resistance when the parent coaxed them to use the potty, and the relationship of resistance continued in other areas into adulthood. Parents must tread carefully when dealing with toilet issues. 

It is safest to relax, remain patient and allow the child to tell us every time he wants to go to the toilet on his own. The process of self-training can take weeks, even months. Disruptions in the child’s life (a new sibling, traveling) can cause him to regress, even after we thought him fully trained. In those cases it’s best to “go with the flow” (so to speak) and keep diapers or pull-ups available well after training seems finished. 

Trusting our child pays off for everyone. The child takes pride in his newfound autonomy, and his self-confidence grows. By being trusted to ‘let go’ when he is ready, he can ‘hold on’ to intrinsic motivation.  After all, if we have to control our bodily functions to please our parents, what can we ever own?