Of all the skills we encourage our children to develop, social intelligence may be the most essential for predicting a fulfilling, successful life.  It’s also the aspect of development parents influence most profoundly, and it’s crucial that we’re aware of that, because our every word, move and gesture are being studied…We’re the ones under the microscope, modeling everything we do and say.  And surely this is the best motivation in the universe to be our most gracious, socially adaptive selves, and to heal old wounds by doing it “better” than it was done for us.

Magda Gerber taught me strategies for building a strong foundation for social intelligence in the infant and toddler years…

1. Don’t wait to communicate. Begin a two-way, person-to-person relationship with your baby as soon as she’s born. Speak respectfully. Don’t talk down.  Whenever we speak to our babies, they are learning language, so we should model the language we want our child to learn.

Babies are capable of communication and comprehension way before they utter recognizable words.  Tell your newborn what you will do before you pick her up or set her down again, even though it feels awkward to talk to someone who can’t talk back (or even indicate understanding).  Soon they will… If you ask babies questions, they will begin to find a way to answer.  Once you begin this habit, you won’t ever want to stop treating your child this way. And you’ll find out in a year or two that she’s been right there with you all along.

Give your baby a moment to take in your words. Observe her so that you can see her communicate readiness back to you. Telling your baby how much you adore her is great, but show your love by sharing the details about her life she’s eager to hear. Tell her what is happening right now and what will happen next. Invite her to participate in diaper changes, bathing and feeding, interact with you as much as she’s capable of doing. You’ll be surprised by how clearly she can communicate if you open the door.

Take a moment to look and listen before assuming her needs, even when she cries. She needs to know that her efforts to communicate are welcome, noted, and that you’ll try your best to understand.

2. Be a top model

Model honest, direct, open and polite communication. Be the first to admit “I’m sorry, I made a mistake” (even with babies). Be a patient, attuned listener. If you argue with someone in front of your child, try to resolve the disagreement gracefully… or at least resolve it. Then acknowledge in simple terms to your child what happened, especially if the child seems disturbed. Model patience, forgiveness, sharing, empathy– the social traits you wish for your child.

Whenever it seems appropriate, share your feelings (“I’m feeling sad thinking about Grandpa being sick”). Children sense when we’re disturbed anyway, and they appreciate the clarification.

Encourage children to understand their feelings, not by assuming “That fall scared you,“ (because you might not be accurate) but rather by probing, “Are you all right? You seem upset. Were you hurt? Startled?”

3. Keep it real

When we understand that we are immensely powerful models for our children, it is easy to see why discipline techniques that include distraction, tricks, games, rewards and punishments don’t foster social intelligence. Instead, those methods encourage children to do what we’re doing — avoiding confrontation, being inauthentic by smiling and playing games when we’re annoyed, manipulating (however kindly) in order to control, shaming and (in the case of spanking) hurting those we are in conflict with, rather than being direct and respectful, clear, gentle and honest.

The lessons we try to instill, no matter what methods we use or how effective they seem, will always be trumped by the behavior we are modeling moment to moment. The audience is listening.

Also, the self-worth and confidence children need to develop healthy social skills is undermined when we are manipulative, insincere, shaming or punitive. As they mature, the way we treat our children is, deep down, the best they will ever expect or believe they deserve.

4. Provide opportunities for practice, practice, practice

The intricacies of social interactions take plenty of practice to learn. Most of us spend our whole lives learning but never mastering them. So give babies a head start by allowing them to interact with their peers as freely as is safely possible. Babies are fascinated by other babies and ready to begin learning about each other at just a few months of age.

Children learn social skills organically when we abandon preconceptions about play, support but don’t interfere, observe closely and sensitively. Just as our baby’s “solo play” choices can be surprising, infant and toddler interactions seldom look like “playing together”.

But try to imagine ways babies can play together…there aren’t many. They usually play by touching each other, taking or (more rarely) giving toys (whether the other child wants them or not) and imitating. Imitating, unless it’s a loud chorus of crying, doesn’t usually worry parents, but the first two do.

Sensitive observation is paramount to understanding when and how to intervene gently so that children are not hurt and so that we don’t interrupt and discourage interaction.

Here’s a very brief example of social interaction that doesn’t look so good to grown-ups, but (believe it or not) is playing and learning together infant style.

As infants become toddlers, there will usually be more conflicts between them. Allowing children to experience and resolve these age-appropriate conflicts is a phenomenal way for them to learn social intelligence. You might say “You are both trying to hold the bear”, while blocking any hitting or pushing and saying “I won’t let you hit.”  Acknowledging all feelings during and after the conflict helps calm children and fosters empathy, while encouraging them to understand and label their feelings.

“The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve.” – Gerber

Here’s another video I posted recently that demonstrates two toddlers’ abilities to solve conflicts.

Remember that even while children are focused on each other, we’re still modeling (no, we don’t ever get a break, it’s always show time.). For example, interventions that aren’t gentle while we demand “Be gentle!” don’t teach gentleness.

Through observation we notice that as toddlers grow and play evolves, children will sometimes need assistance when they are not in danger of being hurt. Older toddlers might routinely take toys or disrupt another child’s play to signal to adults that they need our help, and it’s best to stop them gently, but decisively. “Molly was using that. I won’t let you take it away. Please wait until she’s done.” Then, if the child cries, “I know you wanted to use that and Molly said no. That’s upsetting.”

Often children will release pent-up feelings when we set these kinds of limits. Encourage and acknowledge them.

For more about selective interventions with infants and toddlers, you might want to check out…

The S Word (Toddlers Learning To Share)

You’ll Be Sorry – Children And Apologies

What To Do About A Toddler Toy Taker

The Baby Social Scene – 5 Hints For Creating Safe And Joyful Playgroups

Falling – A Lesson In Friendship, Forgiveness And Moving On by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

What strategies have you used for teaching emotional intelligence? Please share…

(I love the photo up top. These 3 year olds and their parents attended one of my weekly RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes for two years. This photo was taken when they reunited at a mutual friend’s birthday party after not seeing each other for a year.  Note the adults admiring them respectfully from afar. The boy’s mom joked that they‘re planning the wedding!)

The discussion was stimulated by Baby Teamwork (Sharing Because They Want To), the video I recently posted showing 3 toddlers peacefully sharing a toy. It had been shared on Real Child Development’s Facebook page. First, a parent commented…

Jeni: The thing I find difficult is that although we’ve brought Ben up modeling sharing rather than forcing it, he is now having to learn the hard way that very few other children have grown up like this and he’s having to learn to protect the things he is playing with because nobody else knows how to play together!!

Then, Alice of Denali Parent Coaching comments…

Alice: This is a beautiful video…and I appreciate the lack of adult intervention/interaction. Sharing emerges from ownership, then turn taking…But ownership comes first. A child needs to feel secure that his interest in something will be respected and given the full time needed to ‘own’ it. Only then can they give another a turn, only then can sharing emerge.

I spot this with my eagle eye and respond…

Janet (me): Denali Parent Coaching, I appreciate your comment. I respectfully disagree about “ownership coming first”. “Ownership” is a concept babies and young toddlers (happily) do not yet understand, although adults often try to instill it in them. The scene in the video would *never* have happened if we were protecting “ownership”, i.e., saying “she’s using this, don’t touch until she’s done”, or whatever…  Our well-intentioned interventions unwittingly create the problems @Jeni is speaking about…children who don’t know how to play together. They simply haven’t had enough chances to figure out how to interact without adults getting in their way. If an older child, 2-3 years or older has an obvious project that he or she is intently working on, we wouldn’t allow another child to disrupt it, but younger babies and toddlers interact by giving things and taking them away…and they are usually fine with that, as long as we don’t project that it’s a problem.

‎Alice: What a great discussion! Let me share how I view ownership…I see ‘ownership’ as a young child having plenty of time to play with and explore whatever they have/are doing…and as another child interacts, it is an adult’s job to observe, and then respect a child’s feelings of perhaps not ready to give up their toy to the other who may have ‘taken’ it. Helping them id their feelings, describe what is happening (great language opp. for little ones!), give them an opportunity to find another toy, or gently letting the one who ‘took’ know the first child would like to finish their turn is important. And it role models healthy and positive negotiating skills for those difficult moments. When a young child knows for sure they can play until they feel finished is when they can then more easily flow with the movement of toys from one to another. In the video there were no ‘ownership’ issues–it all flowed, so no reason whatsoever for an adult to step in. I would venture to say the children in this video have had their ownership rights respected, and felt no angst as a result. So yes, adults stay in the observation mode, and at the same time, as needed, be there to affirm, put words to feelings, and role model respect via descriptive words and guidance. Does this clarify my original thoughts for you?

Janet (me): Thank you, yes it does clarify a bit, although I still disagree about intervening with children this age to protect or establish “ownership”. And that has never been done with these children. This video would not have been possible if we did that. I guarantee it. These children are used to being trusted to work out their minor conflicts…and because of that, they seldom have them. What appears as “ownership” to us is not usually perceived as such to the child. The child is interested in the interaction with another, more than they are interested in a particular object.

I agree about describing what is happening and that is what we do in the RIE classes, in a completely non-judgmental manner… We call it ‘sportscasting’. “You were holding that and now Lily has it.” Seldom do children this age object to toys being taken away when the adults don’t react as if it’s a problem. In fact, this is the way children commonly make connections and “play together”. The child who has been “taken” from usually finds something else or may choose on their own to wait until the toy is free again.

If someone is a little upset (and that is rare…usually when a child is tired) we provide verbal support and comfort if needed (“You wanted that and Bob has it now”), but we don’t tell the children what to do. They resolve things independently almost always, but only because they have been trusted to do so. Thanks for the discussion!

As it turns out, Alice and I have very similar child care views and from what I have learned about her, I recommend her coaching. Certainly our exchange was focused on subtleties that might seem unimportant in the grand scheme of things. But if you value toddler social intelligence as much as I do, it’s worth splitting hairs over finer points. After all, our babies are going to be running the world in the not too distant future.

Alice Hanscam received her bachelor’s degree in Child Study from Tufts University in Massachusetts in 1983. She earned her Masters level Parent Coach Certification through the Parent Coaching Institute and Seattle Pacific University in Washington State in 2008. Alice’s passion for supporting families extends over 30 years. She has taught preschool, co-directed an infant/toddler center, mentored infant and toddler daycare providers, taught parent education classes, and actively parented her own two (now young adult) daughters.

Alice (and Leslie from Real Child Development) thank you for allowing me to post this conversation!

In summary, it’s been my experience that when we allow this:

And this:

We make it possible for toddlers to play like this:

I’d love to hear everyone’s thoughts…

Seeing is believing. In this brief video, not just one, but five extraordinary 14 to 18 month old toddlers demonstrate these things and more… (No actors were hired!)

This is the first few minutes of snack time (traditionally consisting of bananas and water in real glasses) in one of my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes. The children choose whether to come to the table and join the party or not. They quickly learn the routine, and because they love rituals and feel empowered by them, they relish each aspect. Previous to this particular class, we’d done snack with this group 7 times.

Some of the snack time rules (hand-wiping, bib-wearing) are not so strictly enforced. Others are, like sitting while you eat, not climbing on the table, and putting toys aside until snack time is over. As you can sense in the video, toddlers don’t feel hampered by these restrictions if they are given respectfully. Instead, they rise proudly to the occasion, or at least seem to appreciate the opportunity to test limits (depending on their mood that particular day).

Notice the way the first girl climbs on the table, then thinks twice about doing it a second time (probably not such an interesting thing to do when she didn’t have my attention, anyway.)

Infant specialist Magda Gerber taught parents and professionals to treat babies in this respectful manner all the time, and to pay special attention during caregiving activities. Whether the activity is feeding, bathing, dressing or undressing, diapering, nail clipping or nose-wiping, Magda suggested we…

1. Slow down. These activities are just as intriguing and educational for children (if not more so) than play. Babies need time to understand what we expect and respond appropriately, time to soak up our attention and intimacy. What’s the rush?

2. Invite participation and ask for cooperation. Babies are ready to actively participate in all aspects of their life from the very beginning, and that’s the way they like it. Rather than do things “to” babies or “for” them, do things “with” them. Be aware that infants and toddlers are developing at lightning speed and are each day capable of participating more actively, doing new things all by themselves.

3. Communicate. Talk babies through all the details, listen and respond to all their attempts to communicate. This is not only respectful, it is the best and most natural way for babies to learn language.

4. Pay full attention. Children need our nurturing presence during caregiving activities. These intervals of focused attention and connection each day refuel infants and toddlers, and make it possible for them to enjoy time away from us, playing independently.

Please share your impressions or questions…

Hi Janet,

An amazing thing happened this past weekend that I wanted to share — maybe it’s only amazing to a first time mom who’s amazed by everything, so bear with me!

We went to a music group with my 11 month old son and there are several “instruments” (wooden sticks and shakers, silk cloths) that we all have and bring with us to group. A little girl, also 11 months, crawled over to my son and tried to take a stick, which neither he nor I were bothered by. Her mother told her it wasn’t nice to take things and pulled her away from him. We continued to play and my son kept an eye on his playmate. She tried to borrow his toy again, and her mother pulled her back again which made her cry. My son crawled over and offered his toys to her with a smile.

I’ve never “taught” him to share, and he has limited experience with other kids outside of this once a week group. It just amazed me that this behavior was so innate and that he and his little playmate were communicating with each other very well without spoken language. And that these two 11 month olds could work out their play very well without our intrusion. (One more)…AND it was totally okay that I was trying to be RIE and this other mom was not. Just because we’re not coming from the same philosophy doesn’t necessarily mean that these interactions that we’re hoping to see won’t come true.

I know that these are things that we expect to see, but to see my son so observant and engaged with his playmate and to show empathy was really heartwarming — another testament to RIE. We just have to be quietly engaged and observant to see these moments and relish in them.

Thanks for bringing RIE into our lives!
Pamela

For more about infant awareness, morals, empathy and the development of social intelligence, please read ‘Empathetic Civilization’: Amazing Empathetic Babies (and everything else by Alison Gopnik), The Moral Life of Babies by Paul Bloom and my posts The S Word and You’ll Be Sorry.

You might also appreciate this video of a 20 month old toddler responding empathetically to her 14 week old sister: “Infant Empathy“

Have you seen an infant or toddler demonstrate empathy?

At one time or another we’ve all felt labeled, and most of us have acted on the normal tendency to label others. Tagging people with a word or two is like speed reading. It cuts corners, but by oversimplifying it often impedes accurate comprehension while inviting cliché. 

There is usually at least an ounce of truth in labels. Still, they hold us back, and are especially detrimental to children. Our children are rapidly evolving. They need to feel unencumbered by judgments — good, bad, or indifferent — while they are learning who they are, and how to relate to others. 

Bullies and Victims. As children get older, bullying is a serious, even deadly issue. Child expert Dr. Michele Borba reports on the latest in a horrific string of recent suicides by bullied teens and preteens in her recent post AGAIN! 11 Year Old Commits Suicide Over Bullying: A Call to Adults to Step Up & Wise Up!  We must be always be aware of our children’s behavior and do all in our power to prevent them from bullying or being victimized, but labeling children ‘bullies’ or ‘victims’ at any age will not help alleviate the problem.  Early branding makes it far more difficult for children to grow and change, to comprehend the complexities of social situations and handle them effectively. 

The “Bully” Label Has Become Trendy, Unfortunately, a post by Kristen on Silicon Valley Moms, explores the dangers of parental finger-pointing, kids labeled “bad,” the implied innocence of all children that interact with “bullies”, and the oversimplification of social dynamics. “Just because your child is quiet and tells a good story, does not mean that they were not engaged in an equal power, fair fight. I think, as parents, we need to do a better job understanding and communicating the complexity of this to our children.  We also need to stop labeling young children.  We are hurting them.” 

The RIE Parent/Infant and Toddler Classes are unusual because we allow even the youngest infants to interact with minimal adult intervention, and we aim to observe as objectively as possible.  The children are grouped with others of the same age, and kept from hurting each other. 

Parents worry when children struggle over a toy. If their child ‘wins’ they worry that she is aggressive.  It their child is “taken from” they worry that their child is too passive. But if we step in and return the toy to the child who had it first, or say, “Don’t take that away, that’s not nice,” we project and reinforce those beliefs about both children, rather than allowing them to learn to navigate social situations themselves through experimentation. 

If we refrain from intervening, the children usually show far more interest in the interaction itself then they do in the toy. There are often multiples of a toy, but the toy that is in another child’s hand is almost always the only one of interest.  The class facilitator acknowledges the situation non-judgmentally, “You both want that ball. Now David has it.”

Giving and taking are ways that infants and young toddlers connect with each other. Eventually the child who behaves more passively will learn to find another toy, or hold on more tightly, bait and switch, shout “no!” or run away if he wants to keep the toy. 

The child who behaves more “aggressively” eventually learns that taking toys is not the best way to “join” with another. This learning process takes time and practice. The only lesson infants and toddlers learn when an adult steps in and fixes things is that they are incapable of handling a social situation themselves, and that the most influential people in their lives may perceive them as bullies or helpless victims. 

Why shy is painful. I prefer to think of shyness as a feeling rather than a character trait. I feel shy in certain situations, and sometimes it comes over me when I least expect it. Being shy is perceived as a negative, not a designation a child can feel proud about, and it is hard to break out of.  (“Whoa, look at you dance! What happened to my shy boy?”) It is often said teasingly, or used as an excuse when a parent is disappointed in a child’s social response. Yes, some of us are more introverted, but labeling a child “shy” makes him feel…well…shyer. 

You’re so smart! A revealing study recently reported in Po Bronson’s New York Magazine article “How Not To Talk To Your Kids”, and discussed in my post Praising Children, Risking Failure, dramatically demonstrates the danger of labeling children “smart”. The New York City schoolchildren who were praised for their intelligence after the first in a series of tests lost confidence and motivation, while the children who were praised for “trying hard” persevered and succeeded.  The “smart” label, like all labels, gave the children a designation that stifled. While we can control our level of effort, the only place to go from being “smart” is to being proven “not smart”. And that possible loss makes giving one’s effort a risky thing for a child to do. 

Labels are in-active and unconstructive. They make us feel stuck rather than free to change, improve, reshuffle the deck. If we can’t reinvent ourselves weekly, daily, even moment-to-moment as infants and toddlers, when can we? So let’s keep an open mind, lose the labels and witness every twist and turn of discovery in our ever-evolving children. I love a mystery, don’t you?

We are all desperate for our children to share. Sharing is vital. The future of the world depends upon our children’s spirit of generosity. We fear that if we don’t remind our children to share, they might become selfish, stingy outcasts. Or, we worry that we will be judged an indulgent, inconsiderate and ill-mannered parent.

The truth is that toddlers don’t yet understand the concept of sharing, and our parental concerns make ‘share’ a loaded word. We tend to misuse it. We say “share”, but what we really mean is, “Give what you have to another child.”

Why would a child want to ‘share’ his red truck when it means giving up the truck to someone else?

Toddlers want what they see, and that object becomes ‘theirs.’ ‘Mine’ can mean either: I see it, I want it, or I’m using it. The idea of ownership — the concept that dad or mom bought an item at the store so now it belongs to them — is not understood by a toddler.

It’s common in RIE Parent/Infant Classes for children to want the same toy. The giving and taking of toys often begins as a social gesture, an infant’s early attempt to make contact with another infant. The children may appear to be struggling with a toy, but with a bit of patience and objective observation, we usually see that there is little stress and lots of curiosity. If a child reacts to the exchange with surprise or disappointment, infant expert Magda Gerber advises caregivers to ‘broadcast,’ rather than interfere. ‘Broadcast’ means to acknowledge the interactions of the children in a matter-of-fact way, never implying blame. Children often calm down when they feel that an adult understands. We might say, for example: “Rex, you were holding the car, and now Sophie has it.” Or, “You and Sophie both want that toy.”

There are no villains or victims in Toddlerland, just children learning by experimenting with social behaviors.

When infants and toddlers have opportunities for uninterrupted socialization, they will try out different options. Should they let go and allow the other child to take the ball away? What happens if they hold on tightly? If they do ‘share’ or offer something to another child, how does that child react? As infant expert Magda Gerber reminded us in her book Your Self-Confident Baby, “Self-learned lessons, whether sharing or the will to hold on, stick with us longer.”

Children will often demonstrate that the interaction with another child is what interests them, not the toy itself. This is evident when there are multiples of a certain object available, yet the children are only interested in the one that has ‘heat.’ Soon after the struggle is over, the toy is usually dropped, becomes ‘cold,’ and no one wants it anymore. Children are best left to work these situations out by themselves while the adults insure that there is no hitting or hurting.

Several years ago I experienced the futility of adult interference in a toddler power struggle when I brought my daughter to her friend’s house to play. The girls both wanted a particular doll. The girl’s kind-hearted mother couldn’t bear to see them fight, so she offered my daughter a replacement toy, a stuffed turtle. Then both girls wanted the turtle, so she brought something else. She brought toy after toy to the girls, and they continued to fight over each new toy. Finally, after tears and yelling, the girls finished their rivalry, abandoned all the toys and went out in the yard to play, friends again.

So, how do we teach children to share with others?

First, by modeling generosity. For example, saying to a child, “You’re reaching for my crackers. Here, I’ll share some with you.” Or, “Let’s share this umbrella.”

Second, when our child demonstrates generosity we acknowledge it. “It was kind of you to share those blocks with Robert.”

Most importantly, we must be patient and trust that our child will learn to share in time.

No parent feels comfortable when their child takes from another, holds on to toys that another wants to use, or seems upset because another child will not share with him. But these situations usually look far worse from our point-of-view than they do from our child’s. When we unnecessarily intervene in a struggle by insisting that a child shares, we rob him of a social learning experience. And when we insist that our child shares before he can truly understand what it means, we risk making ‘share’ a bad word. A child shares when he begins to feel empathy for others, empathy modeled through a parent’s patience and trust in him.