In his book Escape From Childhood, educator John Holt relates a “most embarrassing moment” shared with him by a friend. The friend was walking in a department store behind two little boys when “feeling affectionate and mischievous, she put a fingertip on each boy’s head. In an instant, two furious adult faces looked up at her, and in a harsh, high, but adult voice, one of them said, ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’”

It wasn’t until many years later that it occurred to Holt that his friend’s embarrassing story belied a common and unfortunate perception – that it would have been okay to touch these men of short stature had they been children, even though she didn’t know them from Adam.

Is it our well-meaning perception of children as cute and adorable that causes us to treat them less respectfully than we would another adult?  Is every child’s round head ours to touch? Are babies ours to pick up and hold; their cheeks ours to pinch?

I’m reminded of Magda Gerber’s wise words, “Much harm has been done in the name of love, but no harm can be done in the name of respect.”

Our love and affection for children is a positive thing, but if we don’t make the conscious effort to respect first, these positive feelings can lead us to treat children in demeaning, diminishing ways.

Not Just Cute, the expressive title of Amanda Morgan’s engaging parenting website says it all. Puppies, kittens and dolls might be cute, but our children need to know from the beginning that they are far more than that in our eyes. Even our babies need us to consider them ‘serious’ people. As Holt writes, “[Children] are not at all sentimental about their littleness. They would rather be big than little, and they want to get big as soon as they can.”

‘Cute’ isn’t a word to be abolished from our vocabulary. It has its purposes. For one, I feel much more comfortable calling someone of the opposite sex “cute” than “hot” (as my teenagers might). But “cute” spills out of me much more than I’d like, especially with young children. Our little ones can be so delightful and charming that it’s challenging to compose ourselves.  This is yet another parenting challenge, but a worthy one: taking care not to minimize, weaken and lessen those who most need our empowerment.

Here are some instances when our children should definitely not be perceived as cute…

1. When they’re upset

Has anyone ever told you, “You’re cute when you’re angry”? Perhaps this only happened in 1940’s movies, but don’t tell me it wouldn’t enrage you if it did! And yet, situations like the one John Holt describes in this passage happen all the time…

“One afternoon I was with several hundred people in an auditorium of a junior college when we heard outside the building the passionate wail of a small child. Almost everyone smiled, chuckled, or laughed. Perhaps there was something legitimately comic in the fact that one child should, and without even trying, be able to interrupt the supposedly important thoughts and words of all these adults. But beyond this was something else: the belief that the feelings, pains and passions of children were not real, not to be taken seriously. If we had heard outside the building the voice of an adult crying in pain, anger, or sorrow, we would not have smiled or laughed but would have been frozen in wonder and terror.”

2. When they express kindness, generosity, love and affection

As hard as it is for some of us not to say an adoring “Awww!” when a baby holds hands with another, a toddler hugs his friend or hands another child a toy, it’s important that we try to restrain ourselves. Yes, these exquisite moments are the good stuff of parenting, rewards that we should enjoy and celebrate. But it’s safer to do so quietly, especially if the child isn’t looking our way.  Our exuberant expressions of appreciation distract and turn the child’s authentic act into a little performance. These acts become a way to garner our positive attention, which can then become the sole motivation for them.

Our perception of children as cute ends up interfering with their intrinsic motivation.  Children might be encouraged to take on the “cute” identity and become unconsciously motivated to exploit it…

“A cute child soon learns to do almost everything she or he does, at least around adults, to get an effect.  Such children become self-conscious, artful, calculating, manipulative. They pay more and more attention to how they appear in the eyes of others. I often see such simpering, mincing, cutesy-smiling, fake-laughing children with adults in public places. They become specialists in human relations, which they see more and more as a kind of contest to see who can get the most out of others.” -Holt

3. When they are focused, determined, brave or trying to do new things

“I used to think the clumsiness of infants learning to walk was cute. Now I watch in a different spirit. Although there is nothing cute about clumsiness – any more than littleness – there is something very appealing and exciting about watching children just learning to walk.  They do it so badly, it is so clearly difficult, and in the child’s terms may even be dangerous.  Most adults, even many older children, would instantly stop trying to do anything that they did as badly as new walkers do their walking. But infants just keep on. They are so determined, they’re working so hard and they’re so excited that learning t o walk is not just an effort and struggle but a joyous adventure.” –Holt

These qualities in children aren’t cute — they’re inspiring. And the upside (for me, at least) is that children who are used to being respected won’t buy anything less. They see through the “cute” treatment and feel only distrust for the person offering it — knowing beyond all doubt that they are much, much more.

(If you’d like to read more of John Holt’s essay “The Cuteness Syndrome”, a slightly different version of the latter part has been reprinted here: The Natural Child Project) 

Photo by Jude Keith Rose

So when a mom from one of my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes (in which we strongly advise and encourage natural gross motor development) sent me a video of her 15 month old skillfully mastering this piece of equipment, my response after blinking several times was you’ve got to be kidding. This video is a brilliant illustration of the benefits of not teaching, restricting or otherwise interfering with the development of motor skills…

Hi Janet,

I’ve missed being at your class but R. is really getting great at enjoying his independent play.  He can walk to his room and play while we get ready for work sometimes.  And can definitely occupy himself in the living room for a few minutes while I’m making breakfast.

Anyway, I know you know that R. has always been very into climbing.  Every Wednesday I take him to a park that has a good toddler size slide/jungle gym.  Two weeks ago he tried climbing up this blue ladder and I spotted him all the way up.  He took pause and I was able to just tell him where to put his hand and he made it all the way up on his own.  I was so excited for him! And this week he tried it again a few times and I had Brad take a video I thought you might like to see.

Have a great week!
Thanks,
Margaret

Note that this boy is not only physically fearless and able, he is also relaxed, focused, centered, aware and confident. This is the result of being allowed to develop naturally, in accordance with his inborn timetable, which means…

1. His parents have basic trust in him as a competent, capable person.  They observe his play sensitively (but not fearfully) and are nearby to spot (without touching him) when he’s attempting new skills.

2. He has had plenty of time each day to move freely, independently and unassisted since he was born, beginning on his back. Time spent in restrictive devices like car seats, strollers, carriers, infant seats, swings, jumpers and walkers has been minimal or not at all.

3. He hasn’t been taught or “helped” to sit, stand or walk. His parents and caregivers don’t position him, hold his hands to aid him up and down steps; place him on or take him down from furniture or other equipment.  They trust that if he can climb up independently, he can also get down independently with spotting and a bit of vocal direction and encouragement (if he seems to need it).

4. Though carefully spotted, he’s given the space, time and freedom to discover his own way of doing things whenever possible. For example, babies usually choose to go down steps head first.

5. He’s allowed to choose play activities and repeat them as much as he likes. He’s trusted to be inner-directed — know exactly what he’s working on, demonstrate readiness by doing it. Whether what he chooses to do seems like a lot or a little, it’s always enough in his parents’ eyes.

“Every baby moves with more ease and efficiency if allowed to do it at his own time and in his own way, without our trying to teach him. A child who has always been allowed to move freely develops not only an agile body but also good judgment about what he can and cannot do.” - Magda Gerber

“It turns out nature has a plan, and it’s a good one.  …gross motor abilities will unfold before our eyes- no adult help or intervention needed.” -Lisa Sunbury, No Tummy Time Necessary 

Looking forward to hearing your impressions!

(Photo by Victor Bezrukov on Flickr)

 Acknowledge.

Before you tell your child that it’s time to leave the park, or remind him that the really cool truck he’s examining has to stay at the store, acknowledge his point of view. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and wishes, even if they seem ridiculous, irrational, self-centered or wrong. This is not the same as agreeing, and is definitely not indulgent or allowing an undesirable behavior.

Acknowledgement isn’t condoning our child’s actions; it’s validating the feelings behind them. It’s a simple, profound way to reflect our child’s experience and inner self. It demonstrates our understanding and acceptance. It sends a powerful, affirming message… Every thought, desire, feeling — every expression of your mind, body and heart — is perfectly acceptable, appropriate and lovable. 

Acknowledging is simple, but it isn’t easy. It’s counter-intuitive for most of us, even when we’ve done it thousands of times. Won’t acknowledging our child’s wishes make matters worse? Won’t saying “I know how much you want an ice cream cone like the one your friend has and it does look yummy, but we won’t be having dessert until later” make our toddler hold on to the idea longer, cry harder? Wouldn’t it be better to dismiss or downplay the child’s feelings, distract, redirect or say:”Oh, sweetie, not now”?

Our fears about an honest acknowledgement of the situation “making things worse” are almost always unfounded. Feeling heard and understood allows children to release the feelings, let go and move on. Here are more reasons that acknowledging our child’s truth is worth the conscious effort it takes…

1. Acknowledging can stop tears and tantrums in their tracks.

I have witnessed this many, many times. Whether a child is upset about an injury, a disagreement with another child or anger over a conflict with a parent, acknowledging to the child what happened or that he is hurt, frustrated or angry can miraculously ease the pain. Feeling understood is a powerful thing.

2. Acknowledging, instead of judging or “fixing”, fosters trust and encourages children to keep sharing their feelings.

Parents and caregivers have an enormous influence, and their responses have an impact on young children. If, for example, we try to calm children by assuring them that there’s no need to be upset or worried about something that’s troubling them, they may become less inclined to express their feelings. If our goal is our child’s emotional health and keeping the door of communication open – just acknowledging is the best policy. “Daddy left and you are sad.”

I was reminded of this recently when one of my teenage daughters shared her anger and heartbreak over a long time best friend’s lies and betrayal. How hard it was not tell her that this friend is flawed and that my daughter deserves so much better!  How hard it was to just listen and acknowledge the hurt and disappointment. As painful as this experience was for me, I treasure it, because my daughter trusted me with her innermost feelings. I’ll do all in my power to encourage her to share with me again. (My daughter ended up resuming her relationship with her long adored friend, having noted her limitations.) 

3. Acknowledging informs, encourages language development and emotional intelligence.

Children gain clarity about their feelings and desires when we verbally reflect them. But don’t state the feeling unless you’re sure. It’s safer to use the words “upset” or “bothered” rather than jumping to “scared”, “angry”, etc. When in doubt, you might ask, “Did it make you mad when Joey wouldn’t let you use his blocks?” “Did the dog’s bark frighten you or just surprise you?”

An added benefit: talking to babies, toddlers, children of all ages about these “real things” happening to them is the most powerful, meaningful and natural way for them to learn language.

4. Acknowledging illuminates, helps us understand and empathize.

To state our child’s point of view, we have to first see it, so acknowledging helps to give us clarity.  When we say, “You want me to keep playing this fun game with you, but I’m too tired”, we are encouraged to empathize with our child’s point-of-view (and he ours).

Acknowledging the situation and asking questions (especially when we don’t know the reason our child is upset) can help us to unravel the mystery. “You’re upset and look uncomfortable. You just ate, your diaper is dry. Maybe you need to burp? Okay, I’m going to pick you up.” 

5. Acknowledging struggles might be all the encouragement your child needs to carry on.

This is another scenario in which a simple acknowledgement can work like magic. Rather than saying, “you can do it!”, which can create pressure and set the child up to believe he disappoints us, try saying, “You are working very hard, and you’re making progress. That is tough to do. It’s frustrating, isn’t it?”

6. Acknowledgements instead of praise help children stay inner-directed.

This is as simple as containing our impulse to cheer loudly or say “good job!”, and instead smiling and reflecting, “You pulled the plastic beads apart. That was really hard.”

“Let your child’s inner joy be self-motivating. You can smile and express your genuine feelings but should refrain from giving excessive compliments, clapping your hands, and making a big fuss. If you do this, your child starts seeking satisfaction from external sources. She can get hooked on praise, becoming a performer seeking applause instead of an explorer. Praise also disrupts and interrupts a child’s learning process. She stops what she’s doing and focuses on you, sometimes not returning to the activity.” –Magda Gerber, Your Self-Confident Baby

7. Acknowledging proves that we are paying attention, makes a child feel understood, accepted, deeply loved and supported.

Could there be any better reason to give it a try?

“People will forget what you said; People will forget what you did.
But people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Maya Angelou

“We all need someone who understands.” –Magda Gerber

(Photo by girlwiththecamera on Fickr)

As is often the case, the truth isn’t black or white. When a sensitive, responsive parent or caregiver is open to allowing self-soothing, supporting it, but does not force, demand, expect or abandon their baby to do it, the result is healthy and productive. Affording babies the bit of room they need to help them develop their individual coping strategies in our presence is a loving, mindful practice.

Supporting a baby to self-soothe can mean listening to her complaints for a minute or two while she finds her thumb, rather than immediately giving her a pacifier. It can be about remembering to offer two teethers and allowing the baby to choose one and grasp it herself rather than automatically placing something in her mouth. It might mean allowing our baby to cry in our arms to release her feelings at bedtime instead of rocking, patting, or jiggling her, etc., as explained in “Helping Young Children Sleep” from Hand-in-Hand parenting: 

“Children’s systems are built to offload feelings of upset immediately and vigorously. But our training as parents is to stop them from offloading their feelings! We are taught to give them pacifiers, food, rocking, patting, scolding, and later, time outs and spanking, if the crying or screaming goes on for more than a minute. We are taught to work against the child’s own healthy instinct to get rid of bad feelings immediately. So our children store these upsets, and try many times a day to work them out, usually by testing limits or having meltdowns over small issues. If they can’t offload them during the day, the feelings bother them in the night” – Patty Wipfler

Staying open to the possibility of self-soothing allows babies to actively take part in their care to the best of their ability. As Magda Gerber writes in Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect, “Infancy is a time of great dependence. However, babies should be allowed to do some things for themselves from the very beginning.” This empowers our children and ultimately makes our job easier.

In “Helping Children Learn To Take On Challenges” a story from her book Mind in the Making, Ellen Galinsky shares findings from studies of pre-term infants (born 10 to 12 weeks before their due date) in neonatal intensive care. When the nurses and doctors took charge of the babies’ care without taking the time to read their cues or allow them to actively participate, the researcher, Heidelise Als of Harvard University, noted, “It seemed we were wasting a lot of the baby’s energies that were very precious.”

As Galinsky explains, “When a baby who was initially feisty gave in, the medical charts would record that the baby had become well adjusted. But Als saw a different reality: “The baby had given up. The baby just let the world happen.”

“After documenting and recording behavior, they launched into a study where the nurses “read” and then responded to the baby’s behavior in ways that built on that baby’s coping strategies, and thus gave the baby more control. The results of this experiment were impressive. There was reduced severity of chronic lung disease in these premature babies, improved brain functioning, improved growth and earlier release from the hospital. In addition, their care was significantly less costly,” notes Galinsky.

She then concludes: “Children, even those as young as premature infants, are less prone to the harmful effects of stress when they are supported in managing their own stress by being helped to use the strategies they have for coping and for calming down.”

So, how do we understand and enable a child’s natural ability to self-soothe?

1. Believe babies are competent and capable whole people. Experts who have dedicated their lives to studying infants, Magda Gerber, Dr. Kevin Nugent, and Alison Gopnik, to name a few, have concluded without reservation that even newborn babies are aware, competent, unique individuals.

A recent article in The Irish Times shares passages from Dr Nugent’s new guidebook for helping parents decode newborn communication: “A baby’s “remarkable ability” to get his hand or fist into his mouth -even when he is not hungry – is no random movement. He may do it when he is upset and then settle himself by sucking on it, enabling him to remain alert and examine his surroundings. By this simple act, “your baby is showing you how competent he is and how, even in these early days, the urge to explore his new world is paramount”.

Trust your baby’s competence. She wants to do things for herself, and she can do things for herself. –Gerber

2. Be an observer. Tune in. Learn about your baby. Familiarize yourself with your baby’s individual strengths and vulnerabilities. Try to read her cues and respond accordingly as best you can.

The role of a parent is to continuously assess whether the infant is capable of handling a situation.  For instance, when an infant looks at an object (or maybe reaches for it), many adults rush to hand the object to the infant – not realizing that, by doing so, they deprive the infant of acting spontaneously and learning from his own actions.  …You also know that sometimes your infant does need help, but try to provide just that little amount of help that allows the child to take over again. Let her be the initiator and problem solver. -Gerber

3. Wait. Therein lies the challenge. As singer songwriter Tom Petty said, “The waiting is the hardest part”, and that couldn’t be truer than it is while waiting for a baby as she attempts to soothe herself.

Here’s a video of 4 month old Joey self-soothing, shared with me by her parents, whom I know to be sensitive, responsive and loving. Joey is a happy, securely attached toddler now. (There is a video of her at 15 months in A Creative Alternative To Baby TV Time.) I had planned to edit this video for time, but then realized that leaving it at 2 minutes made it feel more like real time – and just as uncomfortable to watch as it would be in real life. When our babies experience even the slightest frustration or discomfort, seconds can feel like hours (and no matter how old they are it doesn’t get easier!).

As I say so often, “Observe and wait.” Sometimes you may even find out that what you believed the infant wanted was only your assumption.  It is natural to make mistakes and easy to misunderstand pre-verbal children. Nevertheless, it is important to keep trying –Magda Gerber.

Being sensitive to the possibility of self-soothing is the beginning of believing in your baby.

Whether you agree or disagree, I’d love to hear your thoughts…

References (all of which I recommend):

“Helping Children Learn To Take On Challenges”, by Ellen Galinsky, Mind in the Making

“Helping Young Children Sleep”, by Patty Wipfler, Hand in Hand Parenting

Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect, by Magda Gerber

“Know Your Baby“, by Sheila Wayman, The Irish Times

“Your Baby Is Speaking To You“, by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

Imagine you and the grandparents are taking your 14-month-old to the beach for the very first time. For days you’ve all been enjoying fantasies about how you’ll share the magic with your baby: making sand castles, finding shells, sitting under an umbrella with a yummy picnic lunch, holding her hand and wading in the ocean together. But then you get there and your toddler chooses to do something surprising and a little bit odd — it throws you for a loop. She’s in no danger, isn’t bothering anyone and is obviously following her desires, but you worry… Is it okay? Should I try to engage her in the activities I’ve planned or just let her be (and if so, for how long?).

Infant specialist Magda Gerber would strongly encourage you to let go of your expectations and agenda, relax, trust, keep an open mind and enjoy your baby’s play, allowing her to continue her self-chosen activity for as long as you can. She’d suggest you take advantage of the opportunity to join her on this child-led adventure (which Magda referred to as “wants nothing” quality time).

“Most of us are used to, and conditioned to doing something. “Wants nothing” time is different, more a time for taking in and waiting. We fully accept the infants’ beingness just by our own receptive beingness. Our presence is telling the child that we are really there and aware.”  -Magda Gerber

Self-directed play encourages toddlers to be independent thinkers and learners, allows for creative exploration and self-expression, and often serves as play therapy since our babies instinctively know what they’re working on (or working through). Honoring our child’s choices rather than imposing our own validates more than any amount of praise and adulation ever could.

Here’s the vivid example that inspired this post, sent to me by a mom in my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class after she returned from a late summer vacation…

Janet,

I just have to share these pictures with you. To everyone’s amazement, Eva just kept lying down on the sand! She would just lie there and hang out by herself. My parents were sort of shocked and like…’what is she doing?’ I was thinking Magda would be proud and that her actions were a testament to what I’ve learned at RIE…just to let her be her!

xoxox

Tracy 

“This is a free-flowing space in which the child should not feel he has to perform, because the parent is not sending out the kind of demanding messages that say, “I am here now, what shall we do?” –Magda Gerber

“If the infant seems to ignore you and is doing something completely on his own, don’t leave.  It is very comforting for him to know you are there, really there, without any pressure to have to do something to keep your attention.” –Gerber 

“Do less, enjoy more.” -Gerber

“In play, there’s no time.” –Flinsch

(Besides being an exceptional mom, Tracy is an uber-talented artist and “exercise innovator“)

Babies need opportunities to try and then practice new skills, and our challenge is to keep remembering to slow down and be open to providing them. The benefits are obvious. Children love to “do it themselves”. Small moments of mastery and accomplishment help them cope with age-appropriate toddler angst and frustrations. The happiest, most self-confident babies are those who are respected as innately capable, encouraged to be active participants in their care (and life), and allowed to be achievers whenever possible. I was reminded of this a few weeks ago during a RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class…

Since only two families out of seven showed up (due to summer vacations), I impulsively decided to offer a new activity during snack time, one I usually introduce with children older than these, thinking it wouldn’t matter if it was a minor disaster with only two at the table. This group of children is 15 to 19 months of age, and so far they’ve been capable of patiently allowing me to wipe their hands, choosing their own bibs, helping me peel the banana before I offer them pieces to eat, all the while remaining politely seated (for the most part) across the table from me. Just a few weeks ago I began pouring little sips of water into real glasses for the children to drink, refilling them as requested. Most of them seem to have that skill down.

So, I brought out a very small plastic measuring cup (smaller than the one I’d been pouring with) and invited the little boy and girl to try pouring their own water. To my amazement, they both did it. For developmental perspective, the one who was more adept (I didn’t have to move his glass at all to catch the water) is a few months younger and a much “later” walker. He has only taken a step or two at 16 months. You just never know what they’re working on.

The children seemed thrilled with their achievement, and I was inspired to try again the next week with a couple more children. The “returnees” were quite eager and excited to repeat their successes.

This time, another relatively late walker (who had been an early crawler) took the measuring cup and started tipping the side without the spout towards her glass. I had to stifle my impulse to help. There was a moment of suspense as she seemed to change her mind, turned the pitcher around and — voila! — poured perfectly. Oh, the expression of satisfaction on her face!

How much longer might I have overlooked the possibility of the children pouring their own water, if not for the very small class? This happened to me many times as a mother, especially with my first child. Only by accident would I discover that my baby was capable of things I hadn’t yet imagined.

So, what other possibilities are there for babies and one-year-olds…what else might they do?

1. Dress and undress (but undressing usually comes first)

This is the most common one parents seem to overlook or just don’t make time for. Babies can take their shoes and socks off if we provide minimal help (like sliding the sock over their heel so they can pull it off from the toe). Parents get used to rushing these things to get them done, but if we slow down and give children a little time, make a conscious effort to “move at the speed of children” (as Jeanne from the website Zella Said Purple aptly describes it), they often do it with only minimal assistance or none at all.

In my classes I ask the children if they would like to take their bibs off and give them to me, and then I usually loosen the Velcro so that they can get the bib off easily. But one child in this one-year-old class surprised me by being able to put her bib on herself.  She is fond of wearing not just one, but two overlapping bibs, and she puts them on herself. But in another class I facilitated, 2 year olds weren’t yet doing this. Is that because I did it for them and didn’t give them the opportunity?

Note: none of these things should be expected, requested or insisted upon by parents…just offered as an option, like: “Would you like to try taking your sock off yourself?” Independence and mastery are about accomplishing things by choice. Toddlers sometimes choose not to do things they are fully capable of doing for a variety of healthy reasons. Trust and don’t push.

2. Eat with a spoon

All three of my children ate well with a spoon soon after they turned one, probably because I followed Magda Gerber’s advice to introduce solids with the baby on my lap and use two spoons, so that the baby had one to practice with daily.

3. Climb into a car seat

I’m definitely a creature of habit, and this one took me by surprise with all three children. It would happen by accident when I wasn’t looking. I’d realize…whoa…my baby is quite capable of climbing into her seat and may have been able to for a long while.

4. Climb up and get back down (with spotting)

If babies get used to us taking them down from structures, steps, etc., rather than waiting, spotting and encouraging them while they problem-solve, they can believe themselves incapable and dependent on us to help them do what they can do on their own.

5. Puzzles

This is another thing babies can begin doing, but only if we 1) don’t show or help them, and 2) don’t lead them to believe that puzzles are tasks that need completing. Just let them fiddle, experiment, leave things partially ‘done’.  Don’t teach them there’s a right way, and they’ll retain the confidence to persevere and eventually succeed.

 And more generally…

6. Natural gross motor development

Babies can achieve all developmental milestones (and enjoy many transitional positions in between) without adult assistance, if they have plenty of floor time to practice.

7. Self-entertainment – extended periods of uninterrupted independent play

We create this opportunity when we provide safe play spaces that include some open ended play objects (see this video for ideas) and cultivate independent play from the beginning. Babies revel in their free play time when it has been introduced early and gradually becomes a predictable part of their daily routine.

Of course, our babies can’t do any of these things without our support – our patience, restraint, encouragement, and acknowledgement of their struggles and successes. As Magda Gerber explains in Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect, sensitive observation is the key to knowing what to do when…

“By closely supervising our infants, by allowing them to do what they are capable of, by restraining ourselves from rescuing them too often, by waiting and waiting and waiting, by giving minimal help when they really need it, we allow our infants to learn and grow at their own time, and in their own way.”

Have your babies surprised you with their abilities? Please share!

(Photo by Jude Keith Rose)

Then, once babies are able to grasp and move, they begin to show us some of their thought processes. (“Hmmm…wonder how this wooden ring would taste and feel in my mouth.” Or “I’m ready to crawl back to mommy for some hugs and refueling.”). In the second year they begin to tell us.

To follow a baby it’s best to discard any play “agendas” we might have, stifle our impulses to entertain, teach, demonstrate or even help. This can be challenging. We’re naturally eager to connect and might find it hard to believe that our supportive presence is enough. But, in fact, it’s even better than enough because it allows our children to engage with us on their terms — by bringing us a toy, for example, or looking at us to indicate their wish for a response. Meanwhile, our quiet attention is distinctly felt by our babies. Remember, babies have an even higher overall awareness level than adults. Recent studies show that they are actually unable to tune out stimuli in their environment and focus solely on one thing. They may not yet know-it-all, but they sense-it-all.

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with entertaining babies, showing them toys and how to play with them from time to time. But to encourage baby-led adventures we must keep in mind that we are incredibly captivating, larger-than-life figures to our children. We are life to them. We are the world. So, when we do anything, our child’s tendency will be to focus on us. Encouraging a baby to lead play means we must be patient, observant and responsive in a gentle way so that we don’t interrupt the child’s process. It’s well worth it.

Here’s why…

The child:

1. Designs the perfect curriculum

OK, I admit I have a fantasy about reading babies’ minds. I would love to know what a baby is thinking as he gazes up at the trees, stares at shadows on the wall, feels the breeze, hears the dog barking or daddy’s footsteps and “Hello!” as he walks in the front door.  But in reality, children are the only ones who know what interests them and what they are working on. Given a reasonably enriching environment, each individual baby is capable of designing a curriculum that is meaningful, pertinent and developmentally appropriate for him or her.  Our ideas and decisions can’t compete, and can only distract from the important business at hand. 

2. Accepts limits more readily

When babies are given the freedom to lead their play adventures — allowed to spend much of their time being inner-directed — they accept direction more readily. That doesn’t mean they always obediently follow our wishes (if only!). Infants and toddlers (especially) have a healthy need to resist and disagree. But our directions are much easier for a child to swallow when he has been trusted to be autonomous in his ‘free’ time in a safe play space. When a child has lots of green lights, he is much more amenable to accepting the red and yellow ones.

3. Learns to occupy himself and enjoys doing so

This one’s a big plus for parents, too. Babies allowed to lead their play adventures amaze friends and relatives with their long attention spans and interesting antics. They are a pleasure to be with because they don’t require us to expend energy entertaining them (and don’t need TV, either).  

4. Practices being a leader, innovator, self-learner, explorer

Playtime is the rare opportunity babies have to be a leader instead of a follower, an innovator and initiator rather than an imitator, totally inner-directed. Encourage them to take full advantage.

5. Feels trusted and appreciated

Encouraging baby-led adventures means trusting babies to do what they wish, their way, in their time. So, our baby receives a consistent, profound message from the people who matter most to him…he is interesting and capable, and we wouldn’t change a thing.

The adult:

Does less… learns much more… is surprised, amazed and inspired… enjoys the ride.

Adventures like these are parenting gold – the secret to enjoying our job and the inspiration needed to carry us through even the longest of days. These are precious opportunities to leave our hurries, worries, all our agendas behind and enjoy now.

It can be difficult to step back and let your child take the lead, but in this way you will observe and learn from her. You will discover with delight that your child has many inherent abilities that might have been missed if she had not been allowed to explore in her own way. With practice, this relaxed sitting back becomes easier. – Magda Gerber

For a demonstration of the benefits of baby-led adventures, here’s a video I’ve also shared in Infant Play – Great Minds At Work and Baby, Interrupted – 7 Ways To Build Your Child’s Focus And Attention Span. Please check my YouTube channel for other vivid examples of independent play.

One more thing… There is a fantastic new book by RIE Associate Alexandra Curtis Boyer that provides a complete guide for fostering infant/toddler play in your home or child care setting. Simple Toys Make Active Babies – Creating A Brain-Building Play Space For Your Baby Or Toddler is small but packed with tools and helpful information about play. If this had been around when my children were babies, I would have referred to it often.

(Photo: My baby’s adventure that day led her to dreamland. She led the dog there, too. I could only follow through my imagination…)

The word is wait. And here’s how it works…

1. Wait for development of an infant or toddler’s motor skills, toilet learning, language and other preschool learning skills. Notice a child’s satisfaction, comfort and self-pride when he is able to show you what he is ready to do, rather than the other way around. As Magda Gerber often said, “readiness is when they do it.” Ready babies do it better (Hmmm… a bumper sticker?), and they own their achievement completely, relish it, and build self-confidence to last a lifetime.

2. Wait before interrupting and give babies the opportunity to continue what they are doing, learn more about what interests them, develop longer attention spans and become independent self-learners. When we wait while a newborn gazes at the ceiling and allow him to continue his train of thought, he is encouraged not only to keep thinking, but to keep trusting his instincts. Refraining from interrupting whenever possible gives our child the message that we value his chosen activities (and therefore him).

3. Wait for problem solving and allow a child the resilience-building struggle and frustration that usually precedes accomplishment. Wait to see first what a child is capable of doing on his own.

When a baby is struggling to roll from back to tummy, try comforting with gentle words of encouragement before intervening and interrupting his process. Then if frustration mounts, pick him up and give him a break rather than turning him over and ‘fixing’ him. This encourages our baby to try, try again and eventually succeed, rather than believe himself incapable and expect others to do it for him. This holds true for the development of motor skills, struggles with toys, puzzles and equipment, even self-soothing abilities like finding his thumb rather than giving him a pacifier.

(For more examples of the value of waiting for children to solve problems, please read A Jar Not Opened and A Hovering Parent’s Successful Landing.)

4. Wait for discovery rather than showing a child her new toy and how it works. When you teach a child something, you take away forever his chance of discovering it for himself. –Jean Piaget

5. Wait and observe to see what the child is really doing before jumping to conclusions. A baby reaching towards a toy might be satisfied to be stretching his arm and fingers, not expecting to accomplish a task. A toddler looking through a sliding glass door might be practicing standing or enjoying the view and not necessarily eager to go outside.

6. Wait for conflict resolution and give babies the opportunity to solve problems with their peers, which they usually do quite readily if we can remain calm and patient. And what may look like conflict to an adult is often just “playing together” through an infant or toddler’s eyes.

7. Wait for readiness before introducing new activities and children can be active participants, embrace experiences more eagerly and confidently, comprehend and learn far more. It’s hard to wait to share our own exciting childhood experiences (like shows, theme parks or dance classes) with our children, but sooner is almost never better, and our patience always pays off. (I explain this in much more detail in Toddler Readiness – The Beauty of Waiting and Please Don’t Take The Babies.)

8.  Wait for a better understanding of what babies need when they cry. When we follow the impulse most of us have to quell our children’s tears as quickly as possible, we can end up projecting and assuming needs rather than truly understanding what our child is communicating. This is the basis of my argument with Annie from Ph.D. in Parenting in Attachment Parenting Debate – For Crying Out Loud and the realization shared by a parent in A Toddler’s Need To Cry (One Parent’s Lesson).

9. Wait for feelings to be expressed so that our children can fully process them. Our child’s cries can stir up our own deeply suppressed emotions; make us impatient, annoyed, uneasy, and even angry or fearful. But children need our non-judgmental acceptance of their feelings and our encouragement to allow them to run their course.

10. Wait for ideas from children before offering suggestions of our own. This encourages them to be patient thinkers and brainstormers. Countless times I’ve experienced the miracle of waiting before giving my brilliant two cents while children play, or providing play ideas when children seem bored. Biting my tongue for a few minutes, maybe saying some encouraging words to a toddler like, “It’s hard to know what to do sometimes, but you are creative, I know you’ll think of something” is usually all that it takes for the child to come up with an idea. And it’s bound to be more imaginative, interesting and appropriate than anything I could have thought of. Best of all, the child receives spectacular affirmations: 1) I am a creative thinker and problem solver; 2) I can bear discomfort, struggle and frustration; 3) Boredom is just the time and space between ideas… (And sometimes, the wellspring of genius.)

Instincts may tell us that waiting is uncaring, unhelpful and confidence-shaking — until the results are proven to us. Sitting back patiently and observing often feels counterintuitive, so even if we know and appreciate the magic that can happen when we “wait”, it usually involves a conscious effort. But it’s worth it.

Do you find it challenging to wait? Do you have a magic word of your own? No need to wait to share your thoughts…

Apparently, redirection often works — at least momentarily — and I can appreciate that it allows mom, dad or caregiver to remain the good guy. I love being the good guy! Instead of saying, “I won’t let you draw on the sofa. Here’s some paper if you want to draw,” it’s easier and less likely to cause friction if I ask enthusiastically, “Can you draw me a silly face on this piece of paper?” So, I may save my sofa in the nick of time, but my child has no idea drawing on it is not okay, and may very well try it again. Well, at least there are no tears — I’m still the good guy! And right there is the first problem I have with redirection…

1) Phoniness. I don’t like acting all perky and upbeat when I’m really a little annoyed. Besides making me feel like a big phony, I don’t think it’s good modeling or healthy for my relationship with my children. As uncomfortable as it is to face the music (or markers on the sofa), I believe children deserve (and need) an honest response. No, we shouldn’t react angrily if we can possibly help it, but we don’t have to perform or be inauthentic either. Staying calm, giving a simple correction and a real choice (like, you can draw on paper or find something else to do) is all that’s needed.

Yes, the child may get upset — he has a right to his conflicting opinion and his feelings. It’s good for him to vent and for us to acknowledge, “You really wanted to draw on the sofa and I wouldn’t let you.” Children are capable of experiencing these kinds of safe, age-appropriate conflicts. Which reminds me of my second objection to redirection….

2) Wastes opportunities to learn from conflict. Our children need practice handling safe disagreements with us and with peers. When our infant or toddler is struggling with a peer over a toy and we immediately suggest, “Oh, look at this cool toy over here…,” we rob him of a valuable opportunity to learn how to manage conflicts himself. Directing our child to another identical toy, if there is one, might be helpful if children seem really stuck, but even then the infant or young toddler usually wants the one that has “heat” in another child’s hands. Often the children are far more interested in understanding the struggle than they are in the particular toy. But whatever their focus, young children need time and our confidence in them to learn to resolve conflicts rather than avoiding them.

3) No guidance. What does a child learn when we direct him to draw a silly face rather than just telling him not to draw on the sofa? Infants and toddlers need us to help them understand the house rules, and eventually internalize our expectations and values. Redirection distracts children during a teachable moment instead of helping them benefit from it.

4) Underestimates and discourages attention and awareness. Redirecting a child means asking him to switch gears and forget what has taken place. Is this lack of awareness something to encourage? An article I read recently on the subject (“Understanding Children”) suggests, “Since young children’s attention spans are so short, distraction is often effective.”

Even if I agreed about children having short attention spans, which I don’t (see video), distracting them from what they are engaged in seems a sure fire way to make them even shorter.

On the other hand, children who aren’t used to redirection don’t buy it. They can’t be fooled, coaxed or lured away from marking up the sofa (unfortunately!). Encouraged to be fully present and aware, they need a straight answer, and they deserve one.

An aware child may be less convenient sometimes (when we can’t trick him with sleight of hand, “Oops, the cell phone disappeared, here’s a fun rattle instead!”), but awareness and attentiveness are essential to learning and will serve him well throughout his life.

5) Respect. Redirecting is cajoling, distraction and trickery that underestimates a toddler’s intelligence — his ability to learn and comprehend. Toddlers deserve the same respect we would give an adult, rather than this (from a website about parenting toddlers):

Distract and divert. The best form of toddler discipline is redirection. First, you have to distract them from their original intention and then, quickly divert them toward a safer alternative. Give them something else to do for example, helping with the household chores and soon they will be enjoying themselves rather than investing a lot of emotional energy into the original plan.

How distraction can be construed as ‘discipline’ is beyond me, but more importantly –would you distract an adult in the middle of a disagreement and direct her to mop up the floor? Then why treat a younger person like a fool? I believe that we can trust babies to choose where to invest their emotional energy. Only babies know what they are working on and figuring out.

Here are some alternative responses that not only work, they feel respectful and authentic:

Breathe first… unless there is a marker making contact with our sofa or a fist making contact with our toddler’s buddy’s head, in which case we quickly take hold of the hands and/or markers as gently as possible. But then — we breathe.

Remain calm, kind, empathetic, but firm. In the case of a peer conflict, narrate the situation objectively without assigning blame or guilt. Infant expert Magda Gerber called this ‘sportscasting’. “Jake and John are both trying to hold onto the truck. It’s tough when you both want to use the same thing… You’re really having a hard time…” Allow the struggle, but don’t let the children hurt each other. “I see you’re frustrated, but I won’t let you hit.”

Acknowledge feelings and point of view. When it’s over, acknowledge, “Jake has the truck now. John, you wanted it. You’re upset. When Jake’s done you’ll be able to use it. Maybe there’s something else you’d like to use.”

Be fully available to respond with comfort if the child wants it.

After our response to a behavior like drawing on the sofa, and after we’ve allowed the child to cry, argue, or move on as he chooses, while offering empathy and comfort, we can acknowledge his point of view. “You thought the sofa needed decorating, but I said no.”

Recognize achievement and encourage curiosity. The use of distraction and redirection reflects our natural tendency to want to put an immediate end to a child’s undesirable behavior. And in our haste it’s easy to forget to recognize and encourage positives in the situation – positives like inventiveness, achievement, curiosity. When the situation isn’t an emergency, we can take a moment to acknowledge: “Wow, you reached all the way up to the counter and picked up my sunglasses!”

Then we can allow the child to examine the sunglasses while we hold them. If he tries to take them out of our hands, we might say, “You can look at these and touch them, but I won’t let you take them.” Then, if that turns into a struggle, we might say finally, “You really want to hold these yourself and I can’t let you. I’m going to put them away in the desk.”

Dealing with these situations openly, with patience, empathy and honesty — braving a child’s tears and accepting temporary ‘bad guy’ status — is the path to a loving relationship, trust and respect. This, believe it or not, is real quality time.

So, what do you think about redirection?

First, RIE has a brand new and beautiful website…check it out (rie.org)! Also, the CBS News L.A. clip about RIE parenting (which aired a while ago) is finally available. It includes footage from one of the Parent/Infant Guidance Classes I facilitate, interviews with a couple of the wonderful parents in class and comments from RIE executive director Deborah Solomon. This is by far the most accurate of a flood of recent articles and TV news stories about the RIE approach to respectful infant care…

One correction…the RIE Approach is not about treating babies as adults. It’s about giving infants the same respect one would an adult. And I’m hoping that one day soon it won’t be considered “controversial” or newsworthy to do so. (Whether or not one uses highchairs or sippy cups are really unimportant details.)

Which reminds me…after being enthralled by the variety of distinguished voices articulating RIE’s vision at the conference, new RIE Board president Polly Elam shared a goal (at the subsequent Annual Membership Meeting) that closely reflects my own:  that the perception of infants as capable individuals — active participants in relationships with their parents and caregivers – becomes “mainstream”, the norm, no longer unique. Here’s to hoping!

I also hope you’ll share your thoughts…