1. Listen

Turns out, blogging is less about speaking one’s mind than it is about listening. Tuning in to other sources –reading articles, posts and online conversations — has been the key to knowing what parents are concerned about and where I might have something helpful to offer.

2.  Take a chance, be different

Like all creative endeavors, blogging is about trusting your instincts. Don’t be afraid you’ll write yourself into a corner if you become too specific. Being “niche” is good. In fact, be on the lookout for something you can add to the conversation that’s different from what everyone else is saying. There’s only one you out there, and that is all any of us have to share. The most intriguing blogs have something fresh and distinctive to say. Even if we don’t entirely agree, we read and respect those bloggers.

(This post is an example of me taking a chance, since blogging tips are not what I imagine readers care to hear from me.)

3. You can’t please everyone

Although I’ve tried to raise my children not to be rattled by conflict and disagreement, I admit that I tend to be. This is the area in which I’ve grown the most through blogging. Here’s the perspective I’ve gained: if everyone agrees with you all the time, you’re probably playing it too safe. A blogger’s job is to share his or her unique point of view, experiences and suggestions which aren’t always going to make others say “yeah, yeah, yeah”. This is especially true for parenting bloggers since parenthood, especially in the early years, is a sensitive time in one’s life, and the least confident among us (I was once in this group) are the quickest to feel threatened and go into attack mode (not my style, but I understand the impulse).

When you are attacked by a reader’s comment, understand that it means you’ve probably made that reader rethink or question something that isn’t working for them anyway. Opening up to new ideas can be uncomfortable, even painful. So don’t feel bad or get mad — empathize.

4. Titles matter (almost) as much as your post

I read a couple of “how to blog” posts that mentioned the importance of strong titles and opening paragraphs, but didn’t really believe it. Then, last summer I made a conscious effort to write a few provocative, commercial sounding titles. Big difference.  You can still be creative. In fact, it takes real creativity to come up with a pithy title that makes people stop and click, but also engagingly and accurately describes your post.

Now, when I’m conjuring up titles, I ask myself if this would capture my attention while scrolling through hundreds of posts on Facebook or Twitter. There are bloggers I’ll always read regardless of their titles, but to really expand your readership, you have to grab people’s attention, even if they haven’t a clue who you are or hated your last post.

It also helps to get an outside opinion when you’re stumped. My husband (also my tireless, extraordinary editor) has been a godsend, creating successful titles like “Don’t Cramp Your Toddler’s Style” and “The Problem With Cute Kids”.

Also, readers like lists, which are a stretch for me (organization isn’t my strong suit) but their effectiveness is worth the effort.

Case in point, here are my top ten posts of 2011 (out of about 80, total), all written in the latter half of this year.  Check out the titles…

1. The Case Against Tummy Time: Guest Post by Irene Gutteridge
2. The Parenting Magic Word (10 Ways To Use It)
3. 5 Reasons Toddlers Don’t Need ‘Redirection’ (And What To Do Instead)
4. 7 Reasons To Calm Down About Babies Crying
5. Don’t Cramp Your Toddler’s Style – The Power Of Trust
6. The Problem With Cute Kids
7. The Key To Your Child’s Heart (7 Ways It Works)
8. The Secrets Of Infant Learning
9. 10 Secrets To Raising Less Stressed Kids
10. Would You Let Your Baby Do This?

5. Be authentic

If you want to build a reputation as a blogger, never (ever, ever) sacrifice trust, integrity or authenticity to attract attention. Don’t even think of exaggerating facts or giving false information. The worst offenders create fear, which is especially cruel for parents since we are so prone to worry. Nothing is cheaper or a bigger turn-off in my book than a “made you look” post or title.

6. Facebook and Twitter

Twitter has been a great way to connect with other parenting sites and meet some wonderful ECE professionals, but the vast majority of my blog traffic comes from Facebook.  If you don’t have one already, get a Facebook page and use it. In my first year of blogging, I mostly posted my own links. Then I started noticing what successful pages were doing — making their pages into little magazines by sharing articles they liked from other sites. What fun! And this is also a great way to “save” articles that you want to refer and link to in future posts. When I finally learned how to link to not just the articles, but the other pages as well, I began to feel part of a community and my site visits increased substantially.

6. Stuck?

When in doubt, ask yourself, “What do I have to share that might be helpful to someone?” Read what’s out there and see what comes to mind. Again, it’s about listening…to others and then, ultimately, yourself.

7. Escape

The real ideas don’t come when I’m devouring information. They appear (seemingly by magic) long after I’ve read and digested, in the quiet space when I can to listen to my thoughts. For me, this is when I’m jogging or awake too early in the morning and can’t get back to sleep (a silver lining to that dark cloud).

I also need to get away from the computer periodically, clear my head and forget I ever had a blog. Best to do this before your friends and family feel neglected and resentful (learned this the hard way).

9. Get personal

Share personal stories to illustrate your points whenever possible. The personal touch is what makes the difference between a site you respect and one that you feel a real connection to.

10. Welcome contributions and collaboration

My blog is specifically about Magda Gerber and RIE’s Educaring Approach, which limits possible guest posts, but it makes my day when someone sends me an interesting video, shares a story or their experiences with the practices I write about. I beg them to let me post it. Nothing is more engaging to me than the unique experiences or perspectives of another professional or parent.  And my top post for 2011 was Feldenkrais practictioner Irene Gutteridge’s guest post “The Case Against Tummy Time”!

11. Write evergreen

When I began blogging, my husband gave me a fantastic piece of advice: write evergreen posts… and I’ve never looked back. But my husband was right, readers have (looked back). Posts that I put my heart into back when just my friends and family were reading have been discovered in recent months. Three of my top four posts this month were oldies from my first months of blogging: No Bad Kids – Toddler Discipline Without Shame, The Easily Forgotten Gift and You’ll Be Sorry – Children And Apologies. How great is that? I’ve been especially thankful for the time away my evergreen posts have bought me during the busy holiday season.

I still have a lot to learn about blogging, and I’m sure 2012 will bring many more lessons. Maybe this will be the year I finally master something all the blogging experts recommend…the 300 word post (and pigs will fly).

In the meantime, I’d love to hear your ideas!

(Photo, entitled “Look At These Potatoes”, by one of my favorite collaborators Jude Keith Rose)

Seeing is believing. In this brief video, not just one, but five extraordinary 14 to 18 month old toddlers demonstrate these things and more… (No actors were hired!)

This is the first few minutes of snack time (traditionally consisting of bananas and water in real glasses) in one of my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes. The children choose whether to come to the table and join the party or not. They quickly learn the routine, and because they love rituals and feel empowered by them, they relish each aspect. Previous to this particular class, we’d done snack with this group 7 times.

Some of the snack time rules (hand-wiping, bib-wearing) are not so strictly enforced. Others are, like sitting while you eat, not climbing on the table, and putting toys aside until snack time is over. As you can sense in the video, toddlers don’t feel hampered by these restrictions if they are given respectfully. Instead, they rise proudly to the occasion, or at least seem to appreciate the opportunity to test limits (depending on their mood that particular day).

Notice the way the first girl climbs on the table, then thinks twice about doing it a second time (probably not such an interesting thing to do when she didn’t have my attention, anyway.)

Infant specialist Magda Gerber taught parents and professionals to treat babies in this respectful manner all the time, and to pay special attention during caregiving activities. Whether the activity is feeding, bathing, dressing or undressing, diapering, nail clipping or nose-wiping, Magda suggested we…

1. Slow down. These activities are just as intriguing and educational for children (if not more so) than play. Babies need time to understand what we expect and respond appropriately, time to soak up our attention and intimacy. What’s the rush?

2. Invite participation and ask for cooperation. Babies are ready to actively participate in all aspects of their life from the very beginning, and that’s the way they like it. Rather than do things “to” babies or “for” them, do things “with” them. Be aware that infants and toddlers are developing at lightning speed and are each day capable of participating more actively, doing new things all by themselves.

3. Communicate. Talk babies through all the details, listen and respond to all their attempts to communicate. This is not only respectful, it is the best and most natural way for babies to learn language.

4. Pay full attention. Children need our nurturing presence during caregiving activities. These intervals of focused attention and connection each day refuel infants and toddlers, and make it possible for them to enjoy time away from us, playing independently.

Please share your impressions or questions…

Then we discover the work of child care experts or methodologies like Attachment Parenting and the RIE approach that intrigue and inspire us. Or, maybe we’re influenced by friends and family who convince us that certain child care practices are “the way”.  Regardless, the advice we receive should support our instincts and intuition, while also being practical. It has to work for us and our baby, make our lives easier or at least less complicated.  Never is child-rearing advice meant to be adhered to so rigidly that it binds and blinds us, causes self-judgment and guilt (as if parents needed more reasons to feel those things). Nor should it interfere with the most valuable child care practice of all – tuning in to and understanding our babies in order to provide the individualized care they need.

I recently received a note from a mom who feels like a failure. Yet all I saw when I read this was that she is doing the most important thing — listening to her baby. I share her story because it illustrates some affirming lessons, primarily: ditch the guilt!

Dear Janet,

I came across your blog today, and I just wanted to say that I love it! As a new mom (my baby is now 1) there hasn’t been a day where I did not experience guilt at least once each day. I am one of those parents that attempted to follow the Attachment Parenting theories, but have pretty much failed miserably. I really appreciate what you have said about parents not feeling guilty.

I suppose my first failure was in babywearing. I tried to babywear with my daughter, but she just wasn’t interested in being confined like that. She liked me to hold her a lot, but she wanted to be able to get down and move at the drop of a hat. I’ve since given up on babywearing, but not without feeling like a failure. 

Though I breastfeed, I also don’t immediately pick her up when she falls or bumps her head and let her nurse. I generally don’t help her up either, because she gets it! And when she gets it, she looks so proud! She’s very independent. She’s so curious. And she doesn’t mind being put in the playpen for awhile. She’ll stay in there and play by herself for a good hour at a time. I am able to get lots done during that time. But I still feel so guilty. Don’t the good Attachment parents entertain and play with their babies all the time? I just don’t see how that can be done. She seems to like to explore and do things by herself. 

As for “crying it out” (I read a few articles that mentioned that) — I really hate that. I tried out those “no cry” sleep books. But I have allowed my baby to cry at bedtime a few times and feel like a failure as an Attachment parent. Every day that goes by, I just realize that I am not that kind of parent at all. Yet, I am not mainstream, either. (And why does “mainstream” have to be a dirty word?) Every day I just wish, “Why can’t I just be? Why can’t I just be….a parent?” 

I have noticed that crying hasn’t really bothered her, and she generally doesn’t do it for very long. In the past few months, we’ve tried the wait and see approach. I’ll admit, it’s so hard and drives me bonkers most of the time. But we’ve been doing it. 

I really just appreciate how you talk about parenting without guilt. I really wish I could do that! I don’t want to try to be an Attachment parent anymore. I don’t want to be mainstream. I don’t want to be instinctual, crunchy or (insert word here.) I just want to be a mom to my baby. 

Thank you for your words. And if you take the time to read this, thank you for listening to me vent!

Best wishes in all of your future endeavors.

Kristi K.

Here’s my advice to you, dear Kristi: Shake these trees of child care advice, research and wisdom. Gather what works and happily leave the rest.  Be your authentic self — the unique, evolving, imperfect human being your child needs to know, learn from, grow with, and may have even chosen (if you believe in those things as I do).  And keep following your excellent instincts to pay attention, to observe, wait, listen, and honor your daughter’s abilities. The one label none of us can lose is “instinctual,” and that’s a good thing.

Please share your impressions and experiences…

Photo by Perfecto Insecto on Flickr.

First, RIE has a brand new and beautiful website…check it out (rie.org)! Also, the CBS News L.A. clip about RIE parenting (which aired a while ago) is finally available. It includes footage from one of the Parent/Infant Guidance Classes I facilitate, interviews with a couple of the wonderful parents in class and comments from RIE executive director Deborah Solomon. This is by far the most accurate of a flood of recent articles and TV news stories about the RIE approach to respectful infant care…

One correction…the RIE Approach is not about treating babies as adults. It’s about giving infants the same respect one would an adult. And I’m hoping that one day soon it won’t be considered “controversial” or newsworthy to do so. (Whether or not one uses highchairs or sippy cups are really unimportant details.)

Which reminds me…after being enthralled by the variety of distinguished voices articulating RIE’s vision at the conference, new RIE Board president Polly Elam shared a goal (at the subsequent Annual Membership Meeting) that closely reflects my own:  that the perception of infants as capable individuals — active participants in relationships with their parents and caregivers – becomes “mainstream”, the norm, no longer unique. Here’s to hoping!

I also hope you’ll share your thoughts…

I couldn’t have dreamed of a better example than the one in this video — provided by a dad and his baby daughter in a recent RIE Parent/Infant Class. As sorry as I was that this incident happened on my watch (!), the silver lining is the unique opportunity to show you a parent’s extraordinarily sensitive, patient and mindful response…

Notice the care this dad takes to:

Respect

He remains calm and stays in responsive mode, asking what his daughter needs, giving her the chance to handle the situation as best she can, in her own way, rather than rescuing her. Alternatively, the “Poor baby, let me kiss it and make it all better” approach sets the stage for a victim mentality, according to Magda Gerber in Your Self-Confident Baby.  “Not only do you rob a child of comforting herself, you also provide a magical solution of which she is not a part.”

When we reflect rather than rescue, the child often recovers quickly and returns to playing. This baby might have done so if she wasn’t also hungry (a discovery her dad made a few minutes after the video).

Obviously, if we sense a child is seriously injured or in danger we should rush in, and we probably won’t be able to temper our distress.

Reflect

This father not only asks “Did you get hit…right here?” and points out the “hard” bottle, he even explains the situation to another baby who shows interest/concern. “She got hit. She didn’t like it”.  Reflecting helps a baby grasp the situation and learn from it rather than it being (for an infant) yet another of life’s mysteries. She is also assured that she’s worthy of being informed about all that happens in her immediate world. 

Accept and Acknowledge

When a child cries, parents have the tendency to comfort with words like, “You’re okay. You’re fine. Don’t cry. It was just a bump.” But those “reassurances” actually negate a child’s feelings and send a confusing message because the child doesn’t feel okay.

Note this father’s patience and acceptance. He allows his daughter’s feelings to run their course, never trying to alter them. The sense of acceptance these parent/child interactions provide for a baby, and the profound feeling of being understood, are great gifts…and the basis for an enduring and unshakable sense of security.

Please share your impressions!

This subject keeps coming up in my world — with favorite bloggers (What do you do when other parents force their kids to share?) and parents in my classes, in comments here, and in an especially thoughtful discussion in the community forum: “Sharing a struggle regarding others interacting with one’s (future) infant”. If I had any easy solutions, I would gladly offer them.  But I don’t, so I’m counting on your feedback!  In the meantime, here are some general guidelines based on what I’ve learned through trial and (mostly) error.

Don’t preach or teach. This includes informing the parent whose toddler’s toy has just been snatched away by ours that 2 year olds don’t understand the concept of sharing; warning a grandparent that our child is safer when he isn’t helped up the climbing structure; or mentioning the far more creative choices our baby makes when he doesn’t have toys waved in his face. It’s really hard not to offend others with even the most tactful lesson or correction about child care – if you haven’t noticed already, it’s a prickly subject. (I share my mega mistake in this regard in Accepting Grandparents’ Good Intentions).

In fact, don’t say anything if you can help it. When speaking with a couple of longtime RIE instructors who had recently become grandmothers, we joked about the 12 step program for new grandparents. All 12 steps are the same pronouncement: “Don’t say anything”.

Do admit you are different. I’ve always it found it best to acknowledge, especially with close friends, family members, and any caregiver I employed that I knew the approach I’d adopted was unusual and might seem weird to them, and then ask if they would please bear with me. This was the simple truth, and it was far less threatening to others than being a know-it-all.

Do discuss childrearing philosophies later, when it’s feels less threatening. Long before or after any uncomfortable incidents occur are good times to share about the child care approach that you are excited about and has helped you so much.

Do model your approach. It is easiest to appreciate a parenting style when we see an organic, spontaneous demonstration. Be a positive model of respectful care. You’ll be surprised how much others notice, if they are even a little bit open-minded.  Strangers have approached me to say how much they enjoyed watching me interact with my toddler. The majority of RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class referrals come from people who have admired their friends’ children, or the quality of the relationship they have with them.

Do use the occasional white lie to protect your child (or your sanity). I believe in honesty, especially around children, but if there is any time to white lie, it’s when someone wants to do something with our baby that makes us a little uncomfortable.… The ones I’ve used most are, “Thanks, but she might not like that” (being picked up by another person, walked, pulled in a wagon or pushed down a slide, etc.). Or, “She’s just getting over something, so please don’t touch her.”  Afterwards, I might briefly explain to my child that I sometimes say things that aren’t quite true to not hurt feelings.

Do acknowledge unusual situations for your child.  Babies learn very quickly who does what and how. They can adapt to the subtle differences between the way daddy, mommy and grandpa hold them, bathe them, behave at the park, etc. But when they’ve had a new or unusual interaction with someone, even if they don’t give you that look afterwards, it helps the child to process the situation when we explain simply, i.e., “You looked startled when Uncle Joe took you on a piggy back ride. He should have asked you first. I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to stop him in time.”

Do form playgroups with like-minded parents (even just one other family).  We all need time to relax and refuel with parents who share our child care values.

Do know that diverse parenting styles become less apparent after the infant and toddler years. There will be fewer child care disagreements and awkward moments with friends and family after the baby years have passed. Except for those occasions when, for example, your 8 year old is invited to a PG-13 movie birthday party and you have to politely decline, but feel annoyed enough to want to give the host parent a good long lecture (ugh…don’t get me started!).

Don’t worry. A child’s primary caregivers have a far greater influence on his or her development than anyone else. It’s the “steady diet” of care that makes a difference — the relationship we are building with our child that matters most.

Obviously, each scenario and relationship we have is unique. Some situations bring out the mother (or father) bear in us more than others, and there are people we might not mind offending if it is in the best interest of our child. So, please share your ideas and specific experiences. I’m looking forward to hearing from you!

(Photo by TedsBlog from the Flickr Creative Commons)

Okay, someone just informed me that leaving a comment here is trickier than entering Fort Knox, which doesn’t exactly encourage discussion. I’m working on it…so please bear with me…and bear with the two codes you have to type in for now. Sorry!

As a member of the RIE Board of Directors and an enthusiastic advocate for Magda Gerber’s respectful approach to infant care, I’m thrilled to announce the 2011 RIE Conference (to be held Saturday, May 14, 2011 at the Skirball Cultural Center in Los Angeles) featuring “Helping Young Children Cope with Stress and Trauma,” a timely keynote address by Alicia F. Lieberman, Ph.D.

Lieberman is the author of The Emotional Life of the Toddler, an illuminating and practical guide to dealing with the emotional roller coaster world of the toddler, and a personal favorite I’ve been rereading in anticipation of the conference. Lieberman’s fascinating study answers the baffling questions, “Why is ’no’ often the favorite response of a toddler?..  How should parents deal with the anger they sometimes feel in the face of their toddler’s unflagging obstinacy?.. Why does a crying toddler run to his mother for a hug only to push himself vigorously away as soon as she begins to embrace him?” (Hmmm…why, indeed?)

Todder tantrums? Lieberman shares these insights: 

“Much of the emotional turmoil in the second year revolves around the difficult task of integrating the child’s will into the family constellation. The child learns that her personal wishes (so cherished, seemingly so right) need to fit reasonably well with what others want. The parents learn that they, too, have to say “no” with firmness and conviction but hopefully without harshness.

This is why temper tantrums are so important for healthy development. Tantrums take a child to the very bottom of this being, helping him to learn that anger and despair are part of the human experience and need not lead to emotional collapse. If the parents can remain emotionally available even while firm in their position of denying something, tantrums also teach a child that he will not be left alone in his “dark night of the soul.”

In addition to Lieberman’s presentation, intimate workshops will be presented by an illustrious group of parents, educators, and childcare professionals, providing invaluable opportunities to be enriched and inspired by Magda Gerber’s Educaring Approach:

Childcare and Infant Mental Health: What are the real issues and how can we address them?
by Polly Elam, Valorie Cole, Sadaria Hawkins, Ana Valeria Garcia and Jude Rose

Confessions of a RIE Mom (Eight Years Later)
by Deborah Greenwald

Explorations in Developmental Movement: What We Can Learn From Infants
by Carol Pinto

Mindfulness: Lessons Learned from Magda Gerber
by Elsa Chahin and Janet Gonzalez-Mena

Learning to Let Go – How Play Prepares Us for Life
by Alexandra Curtis Boyer

An Introduction to Magda Gerber’s Educaring Approach
by Linda Hinrichs

A Spoonful of Prevention
by Gail Nadal

Educaring and the Family: Two Parents’ Perspectives
by Melanie Snell and Joel Grover

The RIE conference is open to everyone and anyone who has an interest in parenting and child care. It is virtually impossible to leave a RIE conference without feeling enriched, enticed, enlightened and thoroughly excited about caring for infants and toddlers. Please join us!

For more information and registration please go to RIE.org/conference.

(Alicia F. Lieberman, Ph.D., is also the co-author, with Patricia Van Horn, of Psychotherapy with Infants and Young Children: Repairing the Effects of Stress and Trauma on Early Attachment. She is the Irving B. Harris Endowed Chair in Infant Mental Health and Vice Chair for Academic Affairs at the University of California San Francisco Department of Psychiatry, and Director of the Child Trauma Research Project at San Francisco General Hospital.)

(Photo of infant at the RIE Center, Los Angeles, by Jude Keith Rose)

OUR BABIES, OURSELVES by Gloria Ohland

Magda Gerber’s approach to child care is like preventative medicine, and it’s therapeutic for both parent and child. Her philosophy  – based on her psychoanalytic training and work as a child therapist – emphasizes self-acceptance, the need to set boundaries, the importance of ritual and of expressing your feelings, the fact that life is made up of choices which have consequences and that there are no victims. These are familiar principles to those who know 12-step-program theory, and their effect is at least as profound when applied to infant care. And while hers is a low-stress, simple and common –sense approach that acknowledges the realities of working moms, its vision is ambitious: “authentic” infants who become secure, autonomous, compassionate adults.

While too many theories of child-raising focus on making children do or be something more than they are, Magda argues the less we do the better, and suggests that many parents try too hard. She believes infants should be left to explore a child-safe environment with minimal adult intervention, because “spontaneous, self-initiated activities have an essential value.  The pleasure evolving from exploration and mastery is self-reinforcing, and the infant becomes intrinsically motivated to learn.”  But parents must also set aside quality time when they are simply available, watching and listening without judgment, thinking only of the child. Says Magda, “We are conditioned to always be doing something. But it is very comforting to know the parent is there, really there, without the little person being under pressure to do something to keep the parent’s attention.”

The key word in Magda’s vocabulary is respect – for parents and their needs as well as for their child’s. Even the smallest infant is looked at, handled and talked to as a thinking, feeling, participating human being, and never discussed in the third person if she can hear. “Many awful things have been done in the name of love,” says Magda. “But nothing awful can be done in the name of respect.”

Some of her very practical suggestions, with the caveat, “What you teach is yourselves”:

• Before you pick up a baby, tell him what you’re going to do. Do things with, not to or for, a baby.
• Allow the child to experience conflict and work it out for herself; let the child experience pain or sorrow, and let her choose when and if she wants to come to you for comfort.
• Be clear. Be honest. Ambivalence from a parent produces a nagging child.
• Children need expectations; they need to know the rules. Discipline is an integral part of a rooted, secure feeling. A child who is never told “no” is a neglected child.
• It’s a misconception that children must be happy all the time. That is not the way life is. If children discover that too late, they will find life difficult and frightening.

When Magda came here from Hungary in 1957, there was no such thing as an infant specialist. Even today, infant care in the USA is neither lucrative nor prestigious, despite our increasing recognition that basic patterns of coping, living and learning are set during the first three years of life. Magda’s Hungarian teacher and colleague, Dr. Emmi Pikler – who originated many of these ideas – was famous for her work with institutionalized children. At her residential nursery, she’d created an environment that encouraged them to reach their full potential. Many studies have since shown that these children don’t exhibit the impaired development – such as a lack of initiative and volition and an impersonality in relationships – associated with institutionalization, and have become healthy, well- adjusted adults.

Perhaps the best thing about Magda’s infant-care philosophy is that its wisdom works just as well in adult life. Mutual respect, and the trust and acceptance it engenders, open the door to well-being and happiness. As Magda says, “Lucky is the child who grows up with parents who basically accept and love themselves, and therefore can accept and love their child, who reminds them so often of their own selves.”

Hi Janet, 

I am not sure if you have heard in your part of the world, but yesterday our city Christchurch was hit by another devastating earthquake (we had a 7.1 in September last year). This time, though, it was only a 6.3, but very shallow and closer to the city. Last September no-one was killed, just significant building and infrastructure damage. Yesterday, half of our city centre collapsed, entire suburbs are cut-off without power or water.  75 people have been confirmed dead and 300 are still missing, while rescuers work around the clock to try to dig them out of the rubble.

I continually thank God that my family and friends are all safe. My husband had the day off work, and his building in the city centre was wrecked beyond repair. I can’t imagine how I would have felt not knowing how he was after the quake, as all communication was out for several hours following.

When it hit, I was thankfully sitting close to Kees as he played in the lounge. We are used to aftershocks here as we have had over 2000 since the September quake last year, but within seconds I could tell this one was different.

It is amazing how quickly your protective instincts kick in. I lunged at Kees, with no thought to prepare him.  (No, I didn’t tell him I was going to pick him up!) I quickly clambered over the gate separating our lounge and dining area, almost tripping in the rush, and dived under our small dining table, knocking my head on the way. Kees started screaming, I think mostly in shock after being snatched up in such a manner, and perhaps a little in pain as I had so roughly handled him as I dived for safety. I held him close as we watched glass shattering on the kitchen floor and just kept saying “mummy’s here, you’re safe”. My husband was close by in the doorway. When the shaking stopped and the rumbled and creaking subsided, all I could do was cry and hold Kees tightly to my chest. This continued throughout the day as we were hit by several big aftershocks, and repeatedly Kees was wrenched from play and held under the table for safely.

We then ventured outside to check on our elderly neighbour, and there was a deathly silence around, apart from the screech of alarms and sirens. Once we knew all the neighbours were safe, we then quickly came to the computer to check the live news feeds. As the day’s events unfolded, more and more shocking images emerged, entire buildings in ruin with many people trapped inside, one building that was destroyed had a childcare centre on the 1^st floor. I heard they only rescued two children (still unconfirmed).

Within a few hours we had confirmed that all our family were alive, my brother and father worked in the city but had made it out alive. My brother had run about 5km (3.5miles or so) to his wife’s (Hannah) work at a childcare centre for under 2s. Slowly through the afternoon parents made it across the devastated city through falling debris and flooded streets to collect their children.

As I held Kees this evening and sang to him before putting him to bed, I counted my blessings. I am so grateful to have such a precious life in my care (even if he keeps me up all hours of the night sometimes!) So grateful I can be home with him and know he is safe in times like these (and not worry about him from across a city), so grateful for every smile, giggle, da-da-da and mum-mum-mum, so grateful for every moment with him!

My heart and prayers go out to those tonight who have lost loved ones or who are still missing. My heart is ripped in two for those parents who have lost their children in this disaster, not only in the city centre, but around the suburbs also (there have been reports of children being crushed by falling furniture and debris).

I think this time is a reminder of how precious our children and families are, and that we have to cherish every moment with them and do all we can to ensure their safety.

Love and blessing,                                                                                                                                                                                 Helena

(Helena is the mum I had the pleasure of corresponding with in Life With Baby – A New Parent’s Struggles And Success)

(Photo by Nisha A on Flickr.)

I have three vivid memories of growing up:

The first is of my mother when I was five or six years old. I was getting ready for school and had difficulty putting my shoes on the correct feet (being slightly dyslexic), and my mother went ballistic. She hit me, over and over, all while yelling at me how stupid I was for not having it figured out by now.

The second is of my father when I was ten or eleven. We were driving back from a stage production rehearsal, and my sister told him how I got in trouble for kicking a boy standing next to me (because by this age, I had become rather angry and aggressive). My father turned to me and said, “Wow, you really are a little bitch, aren’t you?”

The third memory is simply of being alone. I know I did things with my family. We have pictures of us – at Disneyland, in Yellowstone Park, traveling all over the world. Some scenes I remember happening, but many I have no recollection of at all. I was with them, but I can’t think of a single conversation or a moment of laughter. Sometimes I feel my entire childhood was completely disconnected from anyone.

I don’t want that for my children.

When I became pregnant with my first son, I read everything I could find about being a parent. I was immediately drawn to the Dr. Sears books about attachment parenting. Everything he said about closeness, establishing a bond, and listening to your loving instincts as a parent resonated with me. That was what I wanted with my children. I wanted to show them as much love as I could.

I already planned a natural birth and to breastfeed, and the babywearing and co-sleeping followed easily. Terminology aside, I loved it. I decided not to return to work and enjoyed the hours at home with my son – playing with him, cuddling with him, and just loving him. There were many, many times when I was exhausted, but I willed myself to be patient with him, even when he was screaming. I was determined not to be like my mother.

When my first son was nine months old, I became pregnant again. When my second son was born, I did what I did the first time around: breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing. I was secretly relieved my younger one preferred to sleep in a bassinet beside my bed instead of in it, and thankful he enjoyed playing by himself on the floor. Still, I felt guilty that he wasn’t getting the attention his older brother had enjoyed.

Finally, the nighttimes caught up with me when at six months my younger son began waking every two hours to breastfeed, and my older son refused to sleep without me next to him. It was too much, and the strain of sleep deprivation took its toll on my ability to cope during the day. I yelled more, turned on the television more, and finally in a frustrated rage smacked my son on his backside.

I needed to change.

Through my blog I was led to Lisa Sunbury, and then to Janet. Learning about RIE changed my life.

While I love the building blocks of attachment parenting, it can become all-consuming for someone who is not good at establishing boundaries (a common trait of abuse survivors). RIE helps me understand how respect includes implementing and enforcing appropriate limits – not just for my children, but for me.

We’ve started a more structured sleep routine and independent play time, both of which have been met with predictable resistance. But even with the transition hurdles, it has taken immense pressure off me. It’s allowed me to step back and look at how I handle my connections to my children, and make changes to improve them.

I’ve learned that our bond is a relationship: one based not just on love, but trust, respect and mutual give-and-take. By recognizing my children as individuals who need to learn and grow on their own, I’ve learned to re-route my sometimes overwhelming emotions by saying, “this is too much, I’m frustrated,” or “I need to be alone now” – and then take time without feeling guilty about their reactions. I’ve also learned that I don’t need to respond immediately. When  I see my older son hit his brother, I can step back to understand what just happened before I decide what to do.

I am a work in progress. I know this, and I occasionally fall back on harmful habits (frustration and yelling – not hitting) that shaped my childhood. But I can see my relationships changing. I’m confident the respect I’ve cultivated will continue to grow so my children will be attached to me. My hope is their childhoods won’t be marred by the unmoored loneliness of mine, and instead be filled with security, love and joy.

Suchada writes about natural birth, breastfeeding, and green living, among other natural parenting topics on her beautiful site Mama Eve. Visit and be inspired!  She is also an editor and contributor at Natural Parents Network.

(Photo “Thoughtful” is by clairity on Flickr)

I know Suchada would appreciate hearing your thoughts…