Rule #1: More often than not, struggles and conflicts we might perceive negatively are viewed by infants and toddlers through an entirely different lens. Here’s an example…

During a recent RIE Parent/Toddler Guidance Class, a 14-month-old girl stood holding a miniature blue rubber bowl in her hand and a red one in her mouth. A boy a couple of months older walked over and yanked the bowl out of her mouth. His action seemed so violent that I was sure the girl would be upset or, at least, complain, but I waited to gauge her reaction. She just looked at the boy with interest. Then the boy took a “sip” from the red bowl. The girl followed his lead, sipping from the blue bowl still in her hand. After this jovial toast they separated, moving on to other activities. A grandfather visiting that day had also witnessed the exchange, and we shared appreciative smiles. This would never have happened had I stopped the boy from taking the bowl or told him to give it back.

Through infant expert Magda Gerber, I’ve learned that observing sensitively, taking cues from our children, intervening as minimally as possible and allowing situations to play out can bring surprising, positive results.

To vividly demonstrate, here’s a new favorite video of mine depicting two types of toddler struggles. The first is a conflict of desires between two 21-month-old girls. Neither get’s upset. In fact, they seem to enjoy the mini-drama! See how the conflict ends triumphantly. The second is a struggle within this struggle in which a girl does get upset. Her screams might have compelled her mom to swoop in and scoop her up, but she instead remains calm and intervenes in a manner that allows her daughter to feel more able and successful. (All this in 2 minutes! No actors were hired.)

Experiences like these encourage children to develop:

Language – words like “blue”,  “box”, “sit down” and even abstract concepts like “right now” are understood and verbalized.

Social skills – communication, taking turns, self-control, delayed gratification.

Self-confidence and resiliency – I can do it (figure it out, handle it).  

Here are some guidelines for facilitating learning through healthy infant and toddler struggles:

1. If it looks like there might be a struggle or conflict developing, move closer as calmly and quietly as possible.

2. Observe and wait.

3. Keep children safe. Block any hitting, pushing, biting or hair pulling with your hand and say something brief and simple to the child like, “I won’t let you push. I see you want the toy. Joey is holding it now.” Be there to spot when children are struggling with a physical challenge–close enough to break a fall.

4. Reflect the situation evenly and non-judgmentally. “You both want the toy. You’re both holding onto it.”

5. Acknowledge the feelings you see. “You seem frustrated. It’s hard to get out of the box, isn’t it?” (By the way, the girl in the video had climbed out of the box twice on her own quite easily, so I knew she could do it.)

6. If children continue to struggle and intervention seems necessary, try doing just a little to help so the children can learn and accomplish more. For example, if two children are both determined to have a toy, first point out an identical one (but don’t hand it to them). Or if a child is physically struggling, give direction and a bit of help the way  the mom in the video does.

7. Reflect on the incident afterwards (if the child seems interested) to help her absorb, process and learn from it.

“Following the RIE approach, we start with the least amount of help and intervention and then slowly increase it. We do expect and trust that even infants eventually learn most by working out conflicts all by themselves. If every time adults jump in and bring in their version of what is right, the children learn either to depend on them or defy them. The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve.” –Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect  

Please share your impressions!

So when a mom from one of my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes (in which we strongly advise and encourage natural gross motor development) sent me a video of her 15 month old skillfully mastering this piece of equipment, my response after blinking several times was you’ve got to be kidding. This video is a brilliant illustration of the benefits of not teaching, restricting or otherwise interfering with the development of motor skills…

Hi Janet,

I’ve missed being at your class but R. is really getting great at enjoying his independent play.  He can walk to his room and play while we get ready for work sometimes.  And can definitely occupy himself in the living room for a few minutes while I’m making breakfast.

Anyway, I know you know that R. has always been very into climbing.  Every Wednesday I take him to a park that has a good toddler size slide/jungle gym.  Two weeks ago he tried climbing up this blue ladder and I spotted him all the way up.  He took pause and I was able to just tell him where to put his hand and he made it all the way up on his own.  I was so excited for him! And this week he tried it again a few times and I had Brad take a video I thought you might like to see.

Have a great week!
Thanks,
Margaret

Note that this boy is not only physically fearless and able, he is also relaxed, focused, centered, aware and confident. This is the result of being allowed to develop naturally, in accordance with his inborn timetable, which means…

1. His parents have basic trust in him as a competent, capable person.  They observe his play sensitively (but not fearfully) and are nearby to spot (without touching him) when he’s attempting new skills.

2. He has had plenty of time each day to move freely, independently and unassisted since he was born, beginning on his back. Time spent in restrictive devices like car seats, strollers, carriers, infant seats, swings, jumpers and walkers has been minimal or not at all.

3. He hasn’t been taught or “helped” to sit, stand or walk. His parents and caregivers don’t position him, hold his hands to aid him up and down steps; place him on or take him down from furniture or other equipment.  They trust that if he can climb up independently, he can also get down independently with spotting and a bit of vocal direction and encouragement (if he seems to need it).

4. Though carefully spotted, he’s given the space, time and freedom to discover his own way of doing things whenever possible. For example, babies usually choose to go down steps head first.

5. He’s allowed to choose play activities and repeat them as much as he likes. He’s trusted to be inner-directed — know exactly what he’s working on, demonstrate readiness by doing it. Whether what he chooses to do seems like a lot or a little, it’s always enough in his parents’ eyes.

“Every baby moves with more ease and efficiency if allowed to do it at his own time and in his own way, without our trying to teach him. A child who has always been allowed to move freely develops not only an agile body but also good judgment about what he can and cannot do.” - Magda Gerber

“It turns out nature has a plan, and it’s a good one.  …gross motor abilities will unfold before our eyes- no adult help or intervention needed.” -Lisa Sunbury, No Tummy Time Necessary 

Looking forward to hearing your impressions!

(Photo by Victor Bezrukov on Flickr)

As is often the case, the truth isn’t black or white. When a sensitive, responsive parent or caregiver is open to allowing self-soothing, supporting it, but does not force, demand, expect or abandon their baby to do it, the result is healthy and productive. Affording babies the bit of room they need to help them develop their individual coping strategies in our presence is a loving, mindful practice.

Supporting a baby to self-soothe can mean listening to her complaints for a minute or two while she finds her thumb, rather than immediately giving her a pacifier. It can be about remembering to offer two teethers and allowing the baby to choose one and grasp it herself rather than automatically placing something in her mouth. It might mean allowing our baby to cry in our arms to release her feelings at bedtime instead of rocking, patting, or jiggling her, etc., as explained in “Helping Young Children Sleep” from Hand-in-Hand parenting: 

“Children’s systems are built to offload feelings of upset immediately and vigorously. But our training as parents is to stop them from offloading their feelings! We are taught to give them pacifiers, food, rocking, patting, scolding, and later, time outs and spanking, if the crying or screaming goes on for more than a minute. We are taught to work against the child’s own healthy instinct to get rid of bad feelings immediately. So our children store these upsets, and try many times a day to work them out, usually by testing limits or having meltdowns over small issues. If they can’t offload them during the day, the feelings bother them in the night” – Patty Wipfler

Staying open to the possibility of self-soothing allows babies to actively take part in their care to the best of their ability. As Magda Gerber writes in Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect, “Infancy is a time of great dependence. However, babies should be allowed to do some things for themselves from the very beginning.” This empowers our children and ultimately makes our job easier.

In “Helping Children Learn To Take On Challenges” a story from her book Mind in the Making, Ellen Galinsky shares findings from studies of pre-term infants (born 10 to 12 weeks before their due date) in neonatal intensive care. When the nurses and doctors took charge of the babies’ care without taking the time to read their cues or allow them to actively participate, the researcher, Heidelise Als of Harvard University, noted, “It seemed we were wasting a lot of the baby’s energies that were very precious.”

As Galinsky explains, “When a baby who was initially feisty gave in, the medical charts would record that the baby had become well adjusted. But Als saw a different reality: “The baby had given up. The baby just let the world happen.”

“After documenting and recording behavior, they launched into a study where the nurses “read” and then responded to the baby’s behavior in ways that built on that baby’s coping strategies, and thus gave the baby more control. The results of this experiment were impressive. There was reduced severity of chronic lung disease in these premature babies, improved brain functioning, improved growth and earlier release from the hospital. In addition, their care was significantly less costly,” notes Galinsky.

She then concludes: “Children, even those as young as premature infants, are less prone to the harmful effects of stress when they are supported in managing their own stress by being helped to use the strategies they have for coping and for calming down.”

So, how do we understand and enable a child’s natural ability to self-soothe?

1. Believe babies are competent and capable whole people. Experts who have dedicated their lives to studying infants, Magda Gerber, Dr. Kevin Nugent, and Alison Gopnik, to name a few, have concluded without reservation that even newborn babies are aware, competent, unique individuals.

A recent article in The Irish Times shares passages from Dr Nugent’s new guidebook for helping parents decode newborn communication: “A baby’s “remarkable ability” to get his hand or fist into his mouth -even when he is not hungry – is no random movement. He may do it when he is upset and then settle himself by sucking on it, enabling him to remain alert and examine his surroundings. By this simple act, “your baby is showing you how competent he is and how, even in these early days, the urge to explore his new world is paramount”.

Trust your baby’s competence. She wants to do things for herself, and she can do things for herself. –Gerber

2. Be an observer. Tune in. Learn about your baby. Familiarize yourself with your baby’s individual strengths and vulnerabilities. Try to read her cues and respond accordingly as best you can.

The role of a parent is to continuously assess whether the infant is capable of handling a situation.  For instance, when an infant looks at an object (or maybe reaches for it), many adults rush to hand the object to the infant – not realizing that, by doing so, they deprive the infant of acting spontaneously and learning from his own actions.  …You also know that sometimes your infant does need help, but try to provide just that little amount of help that allows the child to take over again. Let her be the initiator and problem solver. -Gerber

3. Wait. Therein lies the challenge. As singer songwriter Tom Petty said, “The waiting is the hardest part”, and that couldn’t be truer than it is while waiting for a baby as she attempts to soothe herself.

Here’s a video of 4 month old Joey self-soothing, shared with me by her parents, whom I know to be sensitive, responsive and loving. Joey is a happy, securely attached toddler now. (There is a video of her at 15 months in A Creative Alternative To Baby TV Time.) I had planned to edit this video for time, but then realized that leaving it at 2 minutes made it feel more like real time – and just as uncomfortable to watch as it would be in real life. When our babies experience even the slightest frustration or discomfort, seconds can feel like hours (and no matter how old they are it doesn’t get easier!).

As I say so often, “Observe and wait.” Sometimes you may even find out that what you believed the infant wanted was only your assumption.  It is natural to make mistakes and easy to misunderstand pre-verbal children. Nevertheless, it is important to keep trying –Magda Gerber.

Being sensitive to the possibility of self-soothing is the beginning of believing in your baby.

Whether you agree or disagree, I’d love to hear your thoughts…

References (all of which I recommend):

“Helping Children Learn To Take On Challenges”, by Ellen Galinsky, Mind in the Making

“Helping Young Children Sleep”, by Patty Wipfler, Hand in Hand Parenting

Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect, by Magda Gerber

“Know Your Baby“, by Sheila Wayman, The Irish Times

“Your Baby Is Speaking To You“, by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

In the last decade, educators and psychologists have begun developing new methods to test and understand the infant mind. They’re finding proof that even the youngest infants are phenomenal learners, actively engaged in absorbing new information, imagining, experimentation, statistical reasoning, problem solving. This perception of babies was once held only by those with insight and the inclination to observe — people like infant specialist Magda Gerber who rejected conventional wisdom and inspired others to study babies playing independently and note their abilities.

“An infant always learns. The less we interfere with the natural process of learning, the more we can observe how much infants learn all the time.”–Magda Gerber

So, how do we best enable and support babies through this impressive, innate process?  Here are a few of the secrets Magda taught me…

1. Diaper changes, feedings, baths, brushing teeth, dressing and undressing, nose wiping, finger and toenail clipping are all prime time for learning

But this is only true if we pay attention while we are doing those things, tell our babies what’s happening and invite them to participate with us. Even when our infant or toddler isn’t in a cooperative mood, there is much to be gained by simply acknowledging the difficulties, retaining a flexible attitude and continuing to interact rather than distract. “We’re having a rough time of it today, aren’t we?”

Infants can’t help but learn all the time, so the question really isn’t “are they learning?”, but rather “what are they learning?”  If we engage with babies during caregiving tasks, they learn about their bodies and how to care for them. They learn language naturally and internalize it because they don’t just hear our words, they experience them through all of their senses. (“Can you help me squeeze the warm water out of this yellow sponge?”) Most importantly, babies learn that their participation is expected and highly valued.

During these intimate moments with us, our baby’s sense of security is refueled, which then makes it possible for him to enjoy playing and exploring independently.

2. Infant learning secrets? Babies know them all already. So, trust infants and toddlers to be initiators, explorers and self-learners (which is the essence of the first RIE principle).

Indeed, babies can teach us a thing or two about learning, as psychologist and infant researcher Alison Gopnik explains in her intriguing video How To Think Like A Baby. Experts used to believe (and some still do) that an infant peacefully lying awake in his crib couldn’t possibly be ‘doing’ anything, or at least not anything worthwhile. One influential author even believes that babies “should not be put down at all” and that “babies placed in cots live in a state of longing…” These subjective assumptions and projections are not only untrue, they grossly underestimate the infant mind and are, quite honestly, a little egocentric on the part of the adult. Babies are only capable of being followers, never initiators? They have no mind or will of their own? They can’t take an interest in life unless they are in the arms of an adult?

It is true that babies need plenty of attentive physical contact with loving adults, but they also benefit from initiating self-chosen activities, engaging with life on their own terms, which might be as simple as an uninterrupted exploration of their hands or feet, or a daydream about dust particles. They especially enjoy having our appreciative attention without our direction.

3. Short attention span? Think again. Let infants choose, and their interest lasts longer

Another reason to let babies initiate learning activities is that they (like all of us) are capable of a longer attention span when they are doing something that they find enjoyable or intrinsically motivating.  Magda Gerber balked at the idea that infants and toddlers have short attention spans, because she’d observed otherwise. Magda understood that only the baby really knows what interests him at any given moment, and when we allow babies to choose activities and don’t interrupt, they astound us by engaging much longer than generally thought possible. (See this video and the one below!)

4. Big play spaces can be too much of a good thing. Even the smallest babies need boundaries

Parents have asked, “My whole house is childproofed. Do I need to make a gated play space for my baby?” And my answer is yes, because babies aren’t as comfortable playing when they are in a very large area. They are distracted and overwhelmed by too much “freedom”, actually appreciate the security they feel within safe boundaries (although toddlers might test and seem to object to them). The younger the baby, the smaller the space needed to feel truly free to explore their world and learn. Very young infants have plenty of room to play in a crib or playpen.

5. Familiarity breeds learning

An interesting paradox about babies…they learn more from what they know than from what they don’t know.  Learning blossoms when babies have a predictable environment. They love to know the ropes.

I get a kick out of observing babies entering the RIE classroom each week with their parents. The first few times they come, they quietly take in this novel situation. Then you begin to see the spark of recognition in their eyes and maybe a smile. As the months pass, some of the children arrive and point out their favorite familiar things in the classroom, as if touching base. I’ll respond, “Yes, there’s that dog in the picture you always see here.” You can clearly see when they have gotten over the hump and begin to own the place, because they dive right in and begin exploring. If they’ve missed a week or two for whatever reason, it might take them a couple of classes to feel that sense of comfort again.

Parents who have returned from family trips often tell me how elated their toddlers are to be home, enjoying their safe play spaces again.

6. Babies learn more when their toys are doing less

Interestingly, they engage with passive, simple, open-ended toys and objects for much longer, too. And that reminds me…

A family in one of my classes allowed me to share a video of their son, and it happens to perfectly illustrate the infant learning secrets I’ve mentioned: trust in the infant as a self-learner, the comfort of boundaries and familiarity, sustained attention as a result of self-chosen activity, and the value of simple objects as creative learning tools.

Watch this 10 month old scientist focusing intently for over 8 minutes (but there’s no need to watch the whole thing to get the picture). Observe his attention to every detail as he explores his object’s properties and creates educational experiments that help him to better understand balance, mobility, gravity, velocity. Even more impressive to me than this baby actively learning is the atmosphere of trust his parents have provided. The belief they obviously have in their son and his abilities is what makes this depth of learning possible. 

(I love the way he checks out his hand in the beginning.)

Now, here’s a sampling of the “qualities of a good learner” that I found from a variety of sources on the web. Do any of these remind you of babies?

• passion for knowledge.
• remains focused on the subject matter at hand, and takes time to review the material until it is assimilated appropriately, or we might say until it is well ingrained.
• perseveres and does not become frustrated or discouraged when items are not easily understood at first.
• will realize that in many instances, learning is not always a spontaneous event, but something that is realized over a period of time.
• understands the importance of practice, practice, practice.
• actively participates.
• always tries.
• analyzes new information and contrasts it with what they already know.
• begins with being present–physically, mentally. Knows how he/she learns best and is creative.
• enjoys learning.
• has a personal interest in the subject matter.
• has active listening, thinks and responds.
• has frustrations and asks a lot of questions.
• is a good listener, loves what he/she is learning.
• is creative — able to challenge assumed knowledge.
• is enthusiastic about learning. You don’t have to be smart.
• is open to taking risks, exploring, playing. It’s more about the process than the product.
• is open-minded.
• is willing to work hard.
• never stops learning.
• very curious, aware and focused on his/her mission.
• tries to cultivate “beginner’s mind”. (Ha!)
]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/08/the-secrets-of-infant-learning/feed/ 19 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/the-parenting-magic-word-10-ways-to-use-it/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/the-parenting-magic-word-10-ways-to-use-it/#comments Wed, 22 Jun 2011 02:26:06 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=3748 Madga Gerber extolled the power of a single word that is fundamental to her child care philosophy. This word reflects a core belief in a baby’s natural abilities, respects his unique developmental timetable, fulfills his need to experience mastery, be a creative problem solver and to express feelings (even those that are hard for us to witness). The word is a simple, practical tool for understanding babies, providing love, attention and trust for humans of all ages.

The word is wait. And here’s how it works…

1. Wait for development of an infant or toddler’s motor skills, toilet learning, language and other preschool learning skills. Notice a child’s satisfaction, comfort and self-pride when he is able to show you what he is ready to do, rather than the other way around. As Magda Gerber often said, “readiness is when they do it.” Ready babies do it better (Hmmm… a bumper sticker?), and they own their achievement completely, relish it, and build self-confidence to last a lifetime.

2. Wait before interrupting and give babies the opportunity to continue what they are doing, learn more about what interests them, develop longer attention spans and become independent self-learners. When we wait while a newborn gazes at the ceiling and allow him to continue his train of thought, he is encouraged not only to keep thinking, but to keep trusting his instincts. Refraining from interrupting whenever possible gives our child the message that we value his chosen activities (and therefore him).

3. Wait for problem solving and allow a child the resilience-building struggle and frustration that usually precedes accomplishment. Wait to see first what a child is capable of doing on his own.

When a baby is struggling to roll from back to tummy, try comforting with gentle words of encouragement before intervening and interrupting his process. Then if frustration mounts, pick him up and give him a break rather than turning him over and ‘fixing’ him. This encourages our baby to try, try again and eventually succeed, rather than believe himself incapable and expect others to do it for him. This holds true for the development of motor skills, struggles with toys, puzzles and equipment, even self-soothing abilities like finding his thumb rather than giving him a pacifier.

(For more examples of the value of waiting for children to solve problems, please read A Jar Not Opened and A Hovering Parent’s Successful Landing.)

4. Wait for discovery rather than showing a child her new toy and how it works. When you teach a child something, you take away forever his chance of discovering it for himself. –Jean Piaget

5. Wait and observe to see what the child is really doing before jumping to conclusions. A baby reaching towards a toy might be satisfied to be stretching his arm and fingers, not expecting to accomplish a task. A toddler looking through a sliding glass door might be practicing standing or enjoying the view and not necessarily eager to go outside.

6. Wait for conflict resolution and give babies the opportunity to solve problems with their peers, which they usually do quite readily if we can remain calm and patient. And what may look like conflict to an adult is often just “playing together” through an infant or toddler’s eyes.

7. Wait for readiness before introducing new activities and children can be active participants, embrace experiences more eagerly and confidently, comprehend and learn far more. It’s hard to wait to share our own exciting childhood experiences (like shows, theme parks or dance classes) with our children, but sooner is almost never better, and our patience always pays off. (I explain this in much more detail in Toddler Readiness – The Beauty of Waiting and Please Don’t Take The Babies.)

8.  Wait for a better understanding of what babies need when they cry. When we follow the impulse most of us have to quell our children’s tears as quickly as possible, we can end up projecting and assuming needs rather than truly understanding what our child is communicating. This is the basis of my argument with Annie from Ph.D. in Parenting in Attachment Parenting Debate – For Crying Out Loud and the realization shared by a parent in A Toddler’s Need To Cry (One Parent’s Lesson).

9. Wait for feelings to be expressed so that our children can fully process them. Our child’s cries can stir up our own deeply suppressed emotions; make us impatient, annoyed, uneasy, and even angry or fearful. But children need our non-judgmental acceptance of their feelings and our encouragement to allow them to run their course.

10. Wait for ideas from children before offering suggestions of our own. This encourages them to be patient thinkers and brainstormers. Countless times I’ve experienced the miracle of waiting before giving my brilliant two cents while children play, or providing play ideas when children seem bored. Biting my tongue for a few minutes, maybe saying some encouraging words to a toddler like, “It’s hard to know what to do sometimes, but you are creative, I know you’ll think of something” is usually all that it takes for the child to come up with an idea. And it’s bound to be more imaginative, interesting and appropriate than anything I could have thought of. Best of all, the child receives spectacular affirmations: 1) I am a creative thinker and problem solver; 2) I can bear discomfort, struggle and frustration; 3) Boredom is just the time and space between ideas… (And sometimes, the wellspring of genius.)

Instincts may tell us that waiting is uncaring, unhelpful and confidence-shaking — until the results are proven to us. Sitting back patiently and observing often feels counterintuitive, so even if we know and appreciate the magic that can happen when we “wait”, it usually involves a conscious effort. But it’s worth it.

Do you find it challenging to wait? Do you have a magic word of your own? No need to wait to share your thoughts…

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/the-parenting-magic-word-10-ways-to-use-it/feed/ 21 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/5-reasons-toddlers-dont-need-redirection-and-what-to-do-instead/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/5-reasons-toddlers-dont-need-redirection-and-what-to-do-instead/#comments Wed, 01 Jun 2011 20:24:23 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=3666 Redirection is a popular tactic for dealing with a toddler’s undesirable behavior. Its appeal is understandable, because it’s about aiming a child to another activity rather than confronting an issue directly and setting a limit. It helps us dodge the bullet of our child’s resistance, which might include anger, tears or a total meltdown (and we’re all eager to avoid those things, especially in public).

Apparently, redirection often works — at least momentarily — and I can appreciate that it allows mom, dad or caregiver to remain the good guy. I love being the good guy! Instead of saying, “I won’t let you draw on the sofa. Here’s some paper if you want to draw,” it’s easier and less likely to cause friction if I ask enthusiastically, “Can you draw me a silly face on this piece of paper?” So, I may save my sofa in the nick of time, but my child has no idea drawing on it is not okay, and may very well try it again. Well, at least there are no tears — I’m still the good guy! And right there is the first problem I have with redirection…

1) Phoniness. I don’t like acting all perky and upbeat when I’m really a little annoyed. Besides making me feel like a big phony, I don’t think it’s good modeling or healthy for my relationship with my children. As uncomfortable as it is to face the music (or markers on the sofa), I believe children deserve (and need) an honest response. No, we shouldn’t react angrily if we can possibly help it, but we don’t have to perform or be inauthentic either. Staying calm, giving a simple correction and a real choice (like, you can draw on paper or find something else to do) is all that’s needed.

Yes, the child may get upset — he has a right to his conflicting opinion and his feelings. It’s good for him to vent and for us to acknowledge, “You really wanted to draw on the sofa and I wouldn’t let you.” Children are capable of experiencing these kinds of safe, age-appropriate conflicts. Which reminds me of my second objection to redirection….

2) Wastes opportunities to learn from conflict. Our children need practice handling safe disagreements with us and with peers. When our infant or toddler is struggling with a peer over a toy and we immediately suggest, “Oh, look at this cool toy over here…,” we rob him of a valuable opportunity to learn how to manage conflicts himself. Directing our child to another identical toy, if there is one, might be helpful if children seem really stuck, but even then the infant or young toddler usually wants the one that has “heat” in another child’s hands. Often the children are far more interested in understanding the struggle than they are in the particular toy. But whatever their focus, young children need time and our confidence in them to learn to resolve conflicts rather than avoiding them.

3) No guidance. What does a child learn when we direct him to draw a silly face rather than just telling him not to draw on the sofa? Infants and toddlers need us to help them understand the house rules, and eventually internalize our expectations and values. Redirection distracts children during a teachable moment instead of helping them benefit from it.

4) Underestimates and discourages attention and awareness. Redirecting a child means asking him to switch gears and forget what has taken place. Is this lack of awareness something to encourage? An article I read recently on the subject (“Understanding Children”) suggests, “Since young children’s attention spans are so short, distraction is often effective.”

Even if I agreed about children having short attention spans, which I don’t (see video), distracting them from what they are engaged in seems a sure fire way to make them even shorter.

On the other hand, children who aren’t used to redirection don’t buy it. They can’t be fooled, coaxed or lured away from marking up the sofa (unfortunately!). Encouraged to be fully present and aware, they need a straight answer, and they deserve one.

An aware child may be less convenient sometimes (when we can’t trick him with sleight of hand, “Oops, the cell phone disappeared, here’s a fun rattle instead!”), but awareness and attentiveness are essential to learning and will serve him well throughout his life.

5) Respect. Redirecting is cajoling, distraction and trickery that underestimates a toddler’s intelligence — his ability to learn and comprehend. Toddlers deserve the same respect we would give an adult, rather than this (from a website about parenting toddlers):

Distract and divert. The best form of toddler discipline is redirection. First, you have to distract them from their original intention and then, quickly divert them toward a safer alternative. Give them something else to do for example, helping with the household chores and soon they will be enjoying themselves rather than investing a lot of emotional energy into the original plan.

How distraction can be construed as ‘discipline’ is beyond me, but more importantly –would you distract an adult in the middle of a disagreement and direct her to mop up the floor? Then why treat a younger person like a fool? I believe that we can trust babies to choose where to invest their emotional energy. Only babies know what they are working on and figuring out.

Here are some alternative responses that not only work, they feel respectful and authentic:

Breathe first… unless there is a marker making contact with our sofa or a fist making contact with our toddler’s buddy’s head, in which case we quickly take hold of the hands and/or markers as gently as possible. But then — we breathe.

Remain calm, kind, empathetic, but firm. In the case of a peer conflict, narrate the situation objectively without assigning blame or guilt. Infant expert Magda Gerber called this ‘sportscasting’. “Jake and John are both trying to hold onto the truck. It’s tough when you both want to use the same thing… You’re really having a hard time…” Allow the struggle, but don’t let the children hurt each other. “I see you’re frustrated, but I won’t let you hit.”

Acknowledge feelings and point of view. When it’s over, acknowledge, “Jake has the truck now. John, you wanted it. You’re upset. When Jake’s done you’ll be able to use it. Maybe there’s something else you’d like to use.”

Be fully available to respond with comfort if the child wants it.

After our response to a behavior like drawing on the sofa, and after we’ve allowed the child to cry, argue, or move on as he chooses, while offering empathy and comfort, we can acknowledge his point of view. “You thought the sofa needed decorating, but I said no.”

Recognize achievement and encourage curiosity. The use of distraction and redirection reflects our natural tendency to want to put an immediate end to a child’s undesirable behavior. And in our haste it’s easy to forget to recognize and encourage positives in the situation – positives like inventiveness, achievement, curiosity. When the situation isn’t an emergency, we can take a moment to acknowledge: “Wow, you reached all the way up to the counter and picked up my sunglasses!”

Then we can allow the child to examine the sunglasses while we hold them. If he tries to take them out of our hands, we might say, “You can look at these and touch them, but I won’t let you take them.” Then, if that turns into a struggle, we might say finally, “You really want to hold these yourself and I can’t let you. I’m going to put them away in the desk.”

Dealing with these situations openly, with patience, empathy and honesty — braving a child’s tears and accepting temporary ‘bad guy’ status — is the path to a loving relationship, trust and respect. This, believe it or not, is real quality time.

So, what do you think about redirection?

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/5-reasons-toddlers-dont-need-redirection-and-what-to-do-instead/feed/ 68 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/05/rie-parenting-good-news-cbs-video/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/05/rie-parenting-good-news-cbs-video/#comments Mon, 16 May 2011 02:42:39 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=3432 Brimming with new conviction and enthusiasm after attending yesterday’s 22nd Annual RIE Infant/Toddler Conference, I’m looking forward to sharing highlights in the coming weeks. And while I’m digesting the brilliance of psychologist Alicia Lieberman and the insights and inspirational reports from the other talented presenters — educators, parents and child care professionals — I have more good RIE news…

First, RIE has a brand new and beautiful website…check it out (rie.org)! Also, the CBS News L.A. clip about RIE parenting (which aired a while ago) is finally available. It includes footage from one of the Parent/Infant Guidance Classes I facilitate, interviews with a couple of the wonderful parents in class and comments from RIE executive director Deborah Solomon. This is by far the most accurate of a flood of recent articles and TV news stories about the RIE approach to respectful infant care…

One correction…the RIE Approach is not about treating babies as adults. It’s about giving infants the same respect one would an adult. And I’m hoping that one day soon it won’t be considered “controversial” or newsworthy to do so. (Whether or not one uses highchairs or sippy cups are really unimportant details.)

Which reminds me…after being enthralled by the variety of distinguished voices articulating RIE’s vision at the conference, new RIE Board president Polly Elam shared a goal (at the subsequent Annual Membership Meeting) that closely reflects my own:  that the perception of infants as capable individuals — active participants in relationships with their parents and caregivers – becomes “mainstream”, the norm, no longer unique. Here’s to hoping!

I also hope you’ll share your thoughts…

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/05/rie-parenting-good-news-cbs-video/feed/ 7 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/04/see-baby-learn-one-boy-many-experiments-on-video/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/04/see-baby-learn-one-boy-many-experiments-on-video/#comments Mon, 11 Apr 2011 22:41:25 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=3226 Babies are natural self-learners. Well-rested, fed, emotionally nurtured, and in the absence of intense teething pain or other discomfort, even the youngest infants are curious explorers. All babies need is a safe, peaceful environment, some basic objects to examine (unnecessary until they are 3 or 4 months old) and many opportunities throughout the day to move freely and make their own choices without our interruption.

In a recent RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class, a 10 month old infant presented vivid examples of self-directed, active learning through independent play and, thankfully, I had the camera rolling. Watch this baby developing gross and fine motor skills, problem solving, experimenting with objects, movement and sound (notably endearing vocals in this case). You see his long attention span (each play segment was edited for length) and sense him taking pride in his accomplishments.

Here are some things to note in the video…

Problem solving

The boy solves the first problem successfully when he realizes he needs two hands to pick up the blue ball. Later he struggles to separate two plastic baskets and isn’t able to, but notice how unbothered and unstressed he is! He just moves on to something else. Children are not easily discouraged and don’t expect to resolve every issue unless they are accustomed to adults fixing things for them.

Motor skills

Babies need plenty of opportunities to initiate the natural development of motor skills as this boy does through manipulation of the ball, car, jar, bottle, etc. You also see him crawling, sitting, practicing standing (and getting down again) and taking some first steps (!) by pushing the chair and the bottle.

Sounds

Babies experiment with vocalizations and sounds they make with objects, and often mimic or echo sounds they hear. If you listen closely you’ll notice this boy repeating the tapping sounds another child is making.

Intervention

There is only one unsafe item in the RIE classroom, and the babies are (of course) drawn to it. It’s a floor seat (called a BackJack) with a metal frame that can fall on a baby when a parent isn’t sitting on it. Watch how a mom (not the baby’s) sensitively and respectfully handles the floor seat issue, validating rather than discouraging the baby’s exploration. I have the most amazing parents in my classes!

Responses

While observing children engaged in independent play, my goal is to be responsive while taking care not to interrupt. The way I usually gauge a non-intrusive response is to wait for the baby to initiate it. So, when the baby looks towards me or talks to me I say something about what he’s doing. In this video you’ll see some examples, including me starting to say “I hear that sound”, but then changing my mind midstream and inventing a new word, no doubt causing linguistic confusion for this adorable boy for many years to come.

Okay, on with the video…

Please share your observations!

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/04/see-baby-learn-one-boy-many-experiments-on-video/feed/ 12 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/11/you-cant-do-it-3-powerful-messages-parents-dont-intend-to-send/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/11/you-cant-do-it-3-powerful-messages-parents-dont-intend-to-send/#comments Mon, 22 Nov 2010 22:44:54 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=2433 “When you grow up you can be anything you want to be,” my mom often told me. She believed in me and wanted me to know it. Oddly, I translated this encouraging message into an overwhelming expectation that I could never live up to: “You have to be big, important and really famous. No mediocrity for you!”

We all parent with best intentions, and we are bound to be misinterpreted by our children sometimes. But there are some unproductive messages that we commonly send with our words and actions without meaning to, and I’ve found it helpful to be aware of them.

1)      “You can’t do it.”

We probably wouldn’t tell our child that he or she was incapable of accomplishing a task unless it was inappropriate or dangerous, like lighting a match. But toddlers hear this unintended message when we follow our impulse to ‘help’ them do things they are trying to do on their own. For instance, carrying them down from a climbing structure; showing them how to do a puzzle; or fixing any problem they may eventually be able to solve independently.

An infant might hear this message when we hand him a toy that he is straining to reach, reposition him while he struggles to roll from back to tummy, or even intervene too soon when he is trying to ease himself back to sleep.

In the parent/infant and toddler classes at RIE, I witness the results of the “you can’t do it” message often. A child ascends a climbing structure or platform and freezes, calling or crying for an adult to bail her out when she is usually perfectly capable of climbing down independently (while we are close by, spotting for safety). It’s a challenge for us to be patient and relax when our child is struggling, but the glorious, confidence-building result (I did it!) is well worth our effort.

2)      “Don’t trust your feelings.”

The instinct many of us have when our children stumble and cry, react fearfully to something that we know is safe, or just seem inexplicably out of sorts, is to reassure them by saying, “It’s okay. You’re alright. That was nothing. Shhhh.”  Or even, “Brush it off!” But in those moments our child does not feel okay. He hurts. He’s upset. And these godlike people he counts on to guide him — his parents — are telling him not to feel what he feels. This is confusing and invalidating.

A child’s tears or anger make us very uncomfortable, but the healthiest message we can send is that feelings are just feelings. We don’t control them and they are all acceptable, perfectly valid. It’s best for us to take a deep breath and lovingly allow our child’s feelings to run their course.

 3)      “What you can do isn’t enough.”

When we try to urge development forward by placing babies in positions that they will eventually achieve naturally, like sitting and standing, or show them how to use toys and materials rather than allowing them to develop those skills in their own time, we may believe that we are helping, teaching, parenting as we should. But, as infant expert Magda Gerber emphasized, “When babies are ready, they do it.” Babies always do what they are ready to do. They show us what they are working on, if we allow them to. They don’t hold back.

So, by teaching and helping our babies to show our love for them, we inadvertently send the message, “I don’t appreciate what you are able to do. I want you to do more.”

Magda Gerber implores in Your Self-Confident Baby, “Why not acknowledge your child when she turns herself onto her side (which requires strength and coordination) instead of propping her into a sitting position with pillows? If she doesn’t yet have the strength to hold herself up to sit, she will be cramped, have poor posture, and be unsteady. She will feel unsure rather than confident. Accept and appreciate what she does.”

We don’t live in a “relish the moment” society. We aren’t encouraged to be satisfied with the status quo.  When we’re dating someone, friends and family want to know when we’ll be married. When we’re married everyone asks when we’ll have children. When we have a baby the focus is on developmental milestones. Is he smiling, crawling, walking, talking, toilet training, reading yet? When will you have another child?

Our babies, if we allow them to, will teach us to let go of the fast track and appreciate the present. We just have to relax, ignore the well-intentioned queries of those around us, enjoy whatever our baby is doing right now, be grateful for this interesting person we are learning more about each day — send our baby a “you are enough” message. Children grow up really fast.

“The consequence of hurrying a child may be that the child feels that she’s not living up to expectations. The most important person in her life, the parent, wants something the child cannot deliver. This is good for therapists because it breeds people who need therapy. They grow up and say, “I don’t know what I want,” or “I don’t feel good enough.” – Magda Gerber, Your Self-Confident Baby

Does any of this ring true for you?

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/11/you-cant-do-it-3-powerful-messages-parents-dont-intend-to-send/feed/ 21 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/10/self-motivated-babies-learning-how-to-learn/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/10/self-motivated-babies-learning-how-to-learn/#comments Wed, 20 Oct 2010 04:57:05 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=2249 Nine month old Lucy initiated the “Great Migration” in parent/infant class last week by becoming the first infant to hit the deck (crawl to it, that is), through the open doors of the playroom. “That’s it…say goodbye to your daughter. She’s off!” one of the dads joked. 

Lucy had almost ventured out the week before but decided to stop at the doorway and investigate tape wrapped around the bottom corner of the door instead. She remained there entranced until class ended.

According to the findings from recent brain studies, infants and toddlers can’t help but notice every detail in their environment. They view the world with “lantern-type” attention rather than a focused beam of light. Easily distracted and insatiably curious, a piece of tape beckons as powerfully as a deck flooded with L.A. sunshine.

Lucy’s dad shared his observations about his daughter’s evolution from shifting, pivoting, and inching across the floor to her new ability to sit, climb up and over a 3 inch platform, and set off speedily in a direction of her choosing. At home he had noticed Lucy repeating movements back and forth, “as if loosening a hinge”, testing out new positions and then resuming her more familiar patterns.  

These self-initiated tests — repetitions, explorations, experiments — are the way children learn.  Learning to move comes naturally, but each infant must still “reinvent the wheel” for him or herself. Most importantly, as infant expert Magda Gerber taught us, while babies are developing and practicing their motor skills, they are also learning how to learn.

Babies discover that learning is about making mistakes and risking failures to make progress. It’s exciting, rewarding and frustrating. It takes enormous effort and persistence. It means being flexible, open to trying another way.  Sometimes it means straining to reach an object an inch away, finally getting traction, only to find you’re scooting backwards instead. Typically, it’s taking two steps forward and then kerplunk! But as parents we must realize: this process of struggle comes naturally to infants.

Magda Gerber advocated ample opportunities for uninterrupted infant play each day. How unusual this advice was, and still is. “Parents know they should hold their babies, but they don’t know to give their babies this time, time to move and explore.” 

If we give babies these daily opportunities to ‘learn how to learn’, we instill in them a positive attitude toward obstacles, challenges, and problem solving.  These babies, able to maximize their talents with innate learning skills, grow to be independent and capable students who find every aspect of school easier, more enriching, less stressful. I know this from experience – with my own kids and others. 

In fact, the comments I’ve just read in my middle daughter’s first high school progress report could just as easily have described her playing as an infant — could be descriptive of Lucy and the many other infants I’ve observed, too: “Participates actively”; “tremendous work ethic”; “has very impressive focus and concentration”; “spirited enthusiasm and a high level of self-motivation”; “diligent work habits”; “attentive when her peers are offering their input or asking questions”; “engaged and involved in everything that happens each day – working to build a solid understanding of the material.”  And one I really admire and appreciate from my daughter’s graphic design teacher: “quickly caught on to software tools and has wrangled them to eloquently express her ideas.” 

A child’s positive, productive attitude towards learning begins as an infant — on the floor.

“As we observe infants, it almost looks as if they are working rather than playing: they are fully involved, absorbed in what they are doing. We don’t need to invent exercises for them. They learn to follow their instincts and to trust their own judgment.”

-Magda Gerber, Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect

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