Rule #1: More often than not, struggles and conflicts we might perceive negatively are viewed by infants and toddlers through an entirely different lens. Here’s an example…

During a recent RIE Parent/Toddler Guidance Class, a 14-month-old girl stood holding a miniature blue rubber bowl in her hand and a red one in her mouth. A boy a couple of months older walked over and yanked the bowl out of her mouth. His action seemed so violent that I was sure the girl would be upset or, at least, complain, but I waited to gauge her reaction. She just looked at the boy with interest. Then the boy took a “sip” from the red bowl. The girl followed his lead, sipping from the blue bowl still in her hand. After this jovial toast they separated, moving on to other activities. A grandfather visiting that day had also witnessed the exchange, and we shared appreciative smiles. This would never have happened had I stopped the boy from taking the bowl or told him to give it back.

Through infant expert Magda Gerber, I’ve learned that observing sensitively, taking cues from our children, intervening as minimally as possible and allowing situations to play out can bring surprising, positive results.

To vividly demonstrate, here’s a new favorite video of mine depicting two types of toddler struggles. The first is a conflict of desires between two 21-month-old girls. Neither get’s upset. In fact, they seem to enjoy the mini-drama! See how the conflict ends triumphantly. The second is a struggle within this struggle in which a girl does get upset. Her screams might have compelled her mom to swoop in and scoop her up, but she instead remains calm and intervenes in a manner that allows her daughter to feel more able and successful. (All this in 2 minutes! No actors were hired.)

Experiences like these encourage children to develop:

Language – words like “blue”,  “box”, “sit down” and even abstract concepts like “right now” are understood and verbalized.

Social skills – communication, taking turns, self-control, delayed gratification.

Self-confidence and resiliency – I can do it (figure it out, handle it).  

Here are some guidelines for facilitating learning through healthy infant and toddler struggles:

1. If it looks like there might be a struggle or conflict developing, move closer as calmly and quietly as possible.

2. Observe and wait.

3. Keep children safe. Block any hitting, pushing, biting or hair pulling with your hand and say something brief and simple to the child like, “I won’t let you push. I see you want the toy. Joey is holding it now.” Be there to spot when children are struggling with a physical challenge–close enough to break a fall.

4. Reflect the situation evenly and non-judgmentally. “You both want the toy. You’re both holding onto it.”

5. Acknowledge the feelings you see. “You seem frustrated. It’s hard to get out of the box, isn’t it?” (By the way, the girl in the video had climbed out of the box twice on her own quite easily, so I knew she could do it.)

6. If children continue to struggle and intervention seems necessary, try doing just a little to help so the children can learn and accomplish more. For example, if two children are both determined to have a toy, first point out an identical one (but don’t hand it to them). Or if a child is physically struggling, give direction and a bit of help the way  the mom in the video does.

7. Reflect on the incident afterwards (if the child seems interested) to help her absorb, process and learn from it.

“Following the RIE approach, we start with the least amount of help and intervention and then slowly increase it. We do expect and trust that even infants eventually learn most by working out conflicts all by themselves. If every time adults jump in and bring in their version of what is right, the children learn either to depend on them or defy them. The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve.” –Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect  

Please share your impressions!

I love your articles. I love the concept of letting your little ones just be alone sometimes. I feel I am constantly trying to entertain my little 5 month old girl, and I want her to be someone that likes her own company in the future and can be creative by herself. I don’t know if my LO is clingy (maybe I’m misunderstanding something) or just used to me being right next to her 24/7?

For the last 2 months I have been trying to let her have as much floor play as possible (I hid away the big box of toys, musical swing, and she hardly ever goes in a buggy or car seat) and just gave her space and a few open-ended objects to play with. I stay in the room with her so I am within reach but try to let her have her own space. She seems to get very frustrated and complains a lot after a short amount of time. If I go over to her and engage with her, she is instantly happy. I have not been denying her cuddles or interaction, but she seems much happier when I’m constantly entertaining her with singing, faces etc. Maybe I’m getting something wrong? Please help!

The only other thing I can think of is that she doesn’t want to be restricted on the floor. She  LOVES to be held up on her legs in standing position. She  complains at tummy time and rolls but isn’t crawling yet, and just seems to want to stand (with my assistance) for a large amount of time.

Jade

Hi Jade,

Thanks for your kind words. A couple of thoughts come to mind regarding your little one. First, remember that babies are very impressionable and like to do what they are accustomed to doing. When we decide to change patterns of behavior we’ve established with our children, there’s usually an adjustment period. If you would like to aid your baby’s transition to more child-led play (and I highly recommend doing so), she will need to adapt to enjoying being with you while you do a little less. Here’s what I suggest…

1. Sit on the floor holding your baby on your lap in a horizontal position, if she’ll allow you to. Sometimes when babies are accustomed to being in an upright position in our arms, they won’t stand for being held another way. If that’s the case, hold her at more of an upright angle on your lap. Relax and let her look around. Place a few interesting, but simple play objects out on the floor beforehand so that she can see them. Don’t point the toys out to her or try to coax her into going there. Just be patient, quiet and accepting. Let her feel settled and see what she sees.

2. When you feel she’s ready (perhaps she’s leaning towards the floor or seems interested in the toys), tell her that you will lay her down, and then place her on her back. Stay right there, so she’s very close to you. Don’t pick up the toys, move them closer or put them in her hands. Just wait and see, let her “be”. If you are impatient, tense or have an agenda, your daughter will probably sense it. So, work on totally letting go and just observing.

3. If she complains, talk to her, always acknowledge her communication. “I hear you. I’m right here watching you.” If she starts to sound more upset, you might stroke her gently and even lie down next to her. “You sound uncomfortable. This is a little different from the way we usually play, isn’t it?”

Remember that complaining about trying something new doesn’t mean she’s “unhappy”. 

4. If your acknowledgements don’t calm her and she starts to escalate, you might ask, “Do you want a little break? Would you like me to pick you up?” If she seems to say yes, then pick her up, but stay seated on the floor. If she calms down in your arms, you could try again. “Are you ready to play again?”

5. Most babies do love it when we stand them up, carry them around and otherwise entertain them. What’s not to love? When these ways of interacting become the norm, they are desired and expected. This wish to repeat the familiar can become a distraction that makes it difficult for the child to engage in the slower paced, self-created and self-designed activities that are profoundly beneficial and vital to learning.

It isn’t that your baby feels “restricted” playing on the floor; it’s just that it is such a new and foreign idea to her. (In fact, she is far more restricted and dependent when you are holding her up). And she may not yet believe that she has your attention when you are quieter and more passive, so you’ll have to prove it. The key is to gently wean your baby from expecting entertainment while providing her the trust, space and time to create her own.

A baby who can self-entertain will never need TV.

6. Just as it’s up to us to instill the habit of self-directed play (which most babies end up loving even more than the adult generated kind), it’s also our job to ensure that our babies are developing motor skills organically, if that is something we value. Although both are innate desires, we have to pave the way (which usually means staying out of the way).

If this is the direction you want to take, I would recommend that you not hold your baby up to stand anymore, ever, because that is interfering with both inner-directed play and natural motor development. If she seems to want you to do it, I would acknowledge honestly, “I see you are asking me to hold you up. Yes, we used to do that, but now we’re going to wait for you to be ready to do it on your own. That will be healthier for your body” (or something like that).

7. It isn’t surprising that interaction with her beloved mommy makes your daughter “instantly happy”.  Continue to engage her with your joyful attention when you two are feeding, bathing and diapering, etc. Sing, make faces and share jokes while you “work” together. These loving interactions combined with child-led playtime in which you are an appreciative audience to your baby’s ever evolving antics will provide her the absolute best of both worlds.

For inspiration and further clarification, here’s an enchanting, brief montage of a baby’s first 5 months of independent play, generously provided by Kerry (a fellow New Zealander, Jade!) Note the minimal toys needed, the time baby Kobe spends exploring his hands, moving his limbs, pondering who knows what? Notice the comfort he seems to feel in his own skin and the way he achieves “tummy time” gracefully and confidently.

Kerry is an early childhood teacher in New Zealand and began working in a nursery 2 years ago which sparked her passion for respectful care and the RIE philosophy.  Since having Kobe 6 months ago she has been privileged to put into practice all she’s learnt and is amazed everyday at Kobe’s attentiveness, confidence and grace.

For more about infant play, I highly recommend “What Is Play?” by Lisa Sunbury from Regarding Baby

(Photo by Micah Sittig on Flickr)

It was late in the day, and the parents were beginning to arrive. The boy’s mother was one of the first. She picked up her boy and as she was leaving, stopped to say to the director, “Oh, I forgot to tell you this morning that poor Johnny had to have an enema at the doctor’s yesterday. He didn’t like it at all.” 

Zillions of studies prove the awesome benefits of play, and as Magda’s experience illustrates, one of the most profound is its use as a natural and powerful self-therapy tool. Children use play instinctively to process both environmental stress and inner-conflict. Play therapy helps them to make sense of confusing and bothersome events they might have been exposed to, eases worry and fear.  It’s especially valuable in the early years, before children can verbalize their feelings. Children “play out” disturbing feelings when they can’t tell us what’s wrong or ask us “What’s that?” or “Why?”

To encourage play therapy…

1. Let go of judgment, expectations and play agendas

Let play belong to your child. Rather than interfere as the director in Magda’s example did (interesting that the boy persisted anyway), allow your child to be playwright, director and lead actor when he plays. Relegate yourself to set design by creating a safe, enriching environment with open-ended, simple toys and objects where your baby can explore and experiment. Then let him mess it up and redesign as he wishes.  Never interrupt unnecessarily.

 2. Take it outdoors whenever possible

Create a safe, enclosed outdoor play space with a chair and table nearby where you can relax (and maybe even do a little work) while you baby enjoys the enhanced therapeutic benefits of fresh air and nature. When the weather cooperates, move your life outdoors. Your children will sleep better, play better and even eat better. As a friend of mine once noted, “Food tastes better outside.”

3. Nurture the self-directed play habit

Play is a natural inclination for babies and they love it, but it’s up to us to begin the habit – to make it an essential part of their day. Young infants can (and will) let us know when they need to be held, but it is nearly impossible for a months-old baby to indicate “I’d like a little time to move freely and do what I want”.  And doing what I want is the key to play therapy.

Begin by placing an infant on her back and observing her response. If the baby complains tell her you hear her, ask her what she needs and if she wants to be picked up. Don’t jump the gun. Sometimes, like all of us, a baby just wants us to listen and try to understand. Brief episodes of this kind of “play” in which your baby might look around, stretch and twist, experiment with the workings of her limbs and study her fascinating hands will extend into longer periods. Your baby’s self-directed play soon becomes the highlight of your day together.

4. Watch, learn and appreciate

Most therapeutic play is far less obvious than the example of the boy and the spoon, especially before children are able to talk. Usually it’s below the radar, undetectable to us. We’re left wondering what our babies might be processing, if anything. And that will remain a mystery. But since birth itself is stressful, even the youngest infants could conceivably have issues to work through. Honing our observation skills helps us detect the more subtle examples.

In a recent class, a 16 month old toddler did something I’ve never seen before. She recently became a big sister and was separated from her mother for several days due to complications during the birth. 

We have a row of three large wooden boxes in the RIE playroom. One of them has a round hole cut out at the top. This little girl took the largest baby doll and managed to push it down through the hole, which wasn’t easy. And she did it again. And again. And again. Hmmm…

From early infancy onward there will be occasional moments when two children connect — play “together” – for a few moments, rather than alone or side by side as they usually do. This begins to happen more often toward the end of the second year and into the third. (Our classes generally end when the children are 2 ½ to 3 years old.)  “Together” play might begin as an exploration of another infant’s face, hair or body and evolve into giving and/or taking toys, imitation of one another’s activity, or a spontaneous game of chase. Very occasionally, I see toddlers playing in a cooperative manner – for example, stacking blocks or working on a puzzle together. It’s usually the older toddlers and lasts only a minute or two.

So when I spotted these 1 year olds (!) playing cooperatively and peacefully, and it continued, I was thrilled to have my camera handy. These babies played together for a whopping 7 minutes (though I’ve edited this video to 1 ½ minutes to show just some highlights.)  Just thinking about this scene fills me with hope (for future UN delegates, among other things).

Cooperative play is possible when we…

Trust babies to self-direct play and interact freely. Adults shouldn’t nudge them to play together (or even give them play suggestions), insist they “share”, play “nicely”, “take turns” or “give the toy back”. Stay out of their way, observe attentively and intervene only if a child might hurt another. Allow children to resolve minor conflicts (over toys, etc.)

Model gentleness and patience when we need to intervene, rather than scolding, blaming, separating babies, reacting angrily (Here’s a great video example)

Provide social opportunities in familiar play environments when possible (same place, same people, same rules, similar time of day)

Make it a safe play space so that children feel secure and interruptions for safety reasons are rare.

Perceive babies as whole people – capable, valued citizens of the world, talk to and treat them as such. Model empathy and generosity.

“Children raised with respect and inner direction tend to play well in groups, at times quite peacefully, each involved in her own project or involved with the other chidren.” -Magda Gerber

“When we adults think of children, there is a simple truth which we ignore: childhood is not preparation for life; childhood is life. A child isn’t getting ready to live; a child is living. …we have forgotten, if indeed we ever knew, that a child is an active participating and contributing member of society from the time he is born. Childhood isn’t a time when he is molded into a human who will then live life; he is a human who is living life.” -Professor T. Ripaldi

“When we make a child share, it is not sharing.” -Gerber

Imagine you and the grandparents are taking your 14-month-old to the beach for the very first time. For days you’ve all been enjoying fantasies about how you’ll share the magic with your baby: making sand castles, finding shells, sitting under an umbrella with a yummy picnic lunch, holding her hand and wading in the ocean together. But then you get there and your toddler chooses to do something surprising and a little bit odd — it throws you for a loop. She’s in no danger, isn’t bothering anyone and is obviously following her desires, but you worry… Is it okay? Should I try to engage her in the activities I’ve planned or just let her be (and if so, for how long?).

Infant specialist Magda Gerber would strongly encourage you to let go of your expectations and agenda, relax, trust, keep an open mind and enjoy your baby’s play, allowing her to continue her self-chosen activity for as long as you can. She’d suggest you take advantage of the opportunity to join her on this child-led adventure (which Magda referred to as “wants nothing” quality time).

“Most of us are used to, and conditioned to doing something. “Wants nothing” time is different, more a time for taking in and waiting. We fully accept the infants’ beingness just by our own receptive beingness. Our presence is telling the child that we are really there and aware.”  -Magda Gerber

Self-directed play encourages toddlers to be independent thinkers and learners, allows for creative exploration and self-expression, and often serves as play therapy since our babies instinctively know what they’re working on (or working through). Honoring our child’s choices rather than imposing our own validates more than any amount of praise and adulation ever could.

Here’s the vivid example that inspired this post, sent to me by a mom in my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class after she returned from a late summer vacation…

Janet,

I just have to share these pictures with you. To everyone’s amazement, Eva just kept lying down on the sand! She would just lie there and hang out by herself. My parents were sort of shocked and like…’what is she doing?’ I was thinking Magda would be proud and that her actions were a testament to what I’ve learned at RIE…just to let her be her!

xoxox

Tracy 

“This is a free-flowing space in which the child should not feel he has to perform, because the parent is not sending out the kind of demanding messages that say, “I am here now, what shall we do?” –Magda Gerber

“If the infant seems to ignore you and is doing something completely on his own, don’t leave.  It is very comforting for him to know you are there, really there, without any pressure to have to do something to keep your attention.” –Gerber 

“Do less, enjoy more.” -Gerber

“In play, there’s no time.” –Flinsch

(Besides being an exceptional mom, Tracy is an uber-talented artist and “exercise innovator“)

Through sensitive observation and a little practice, we can learn how to read our child’s cues and provide these responses without interrupting, interfering, directing. Simple, brief descriptions of the things we notice our baby experiencing (hearing, seeing, doing, etc.) encourage inner-directed play to continue and also teach language in the most age-appropriate, meaningful, effective way.  Soon these experiential language “lessons” feel perfectly natural for both of us.

But I’m afraid this may be sounding way more complicated than it is. This is far easier to demonstrate than to explain (for me at least). So, here are a few brief examples…

(Also in this video: a boy beginning to walk; infants interacting in what could be perceived as conflict, but looks to me like an attempt to play together; babies saying words that are a little hard to comprehend just yet, but are the beginnings of words just the same; undeniably brilliant children! No actors were hired.)

Letting babies know that we notice and understand (especially when they “ask” by verbalizing or making eye contact with us) encourages communication and language development, their awareness, trust in their instincts, and forges deeper bonds between us and our babies. What could be more gratifying than knowing that mommy, daddy, teacher, caregiver are not only watching, they’re sharing the child’s experience? And they get it.

In the last decade, educators and psychologists have begun developing new methods to test and understand the infant mind. They’re finding proof that even the youngest infants are phenomenal learners, actively engaged in absorbing new information, imagining, experimentation, statistical reasoning, problem solving. This perception of babies was once held only by those with insight and the inclination to observe — people like infant specialist Magda Gerber who rejected conventional wisdom and inspired others to study babies playing independently and note their abilities.

“An infant always learns. The less we interfere with the natural process of learning, the more we can observe how much infants learn all the time.”–Magda Gerber

So, how do we best enable and support babies through this impressive, innate process?  Here are a few of the secrets Magda taught me…

1. Diaper changes, feedings, baths, brushing teeth, dressing and undressing, nose wiping, finger and toenail clipping are all prime time for learning

But this is only true if we pay attention while we are doing those things, tell our babies what’s happening and invite them to participate with us. Even when our infant or toddler isn’t in a cooperative mood, there is much to be gained by simply acknowledging the difficulties, retaining a flexible attitude and continuing to interact rather than distract. “We’re having a rough time of it today, aren’t we?”

Infants can’t help but learn all the time, so the question really isn’t “are they learning?”, but rather “what are they learning?”  If we engage with babies during caregiving tasks, they learn about their bodies and how to care for them. They learn language naturally and internalize it because they don’t just hear our words, they experience them through all of their senses. (“Can you help me squeeze the warm water out of this yellow sponge?”) Most importantly, babies learn that their participation is expected and highly valued.

During these intimate moments with us, our baby’s sense of security is refueled, which then makes it possible for him to enjoy playing and exploring independently.

2. Infant learning secrets? Babies know them all already. So, trust infants and toddlers to be initiators, explorers and self-learners (which is the essence of the first RIE principle).

Indeed, babies can teach us a thing or two about learning, as psychologist and infant researcher Alison Gopnik explains in her intriguing video How To Think Like A Baby. Experts used to believe (and some still do) that an infant peacefully lying awake in his crib couldn’t possibly be ‘doing’ anything, or at least not anything worthwhile. One influential author even believes that babies “should not be put down at all” and that “babies placed in cots live in a state of longing…” These subjective assumptions and projections are not only untrue, they grossly underestimate the infant mind and are, quite honestly, a little egocentric on the part of the adult. Babies are only capable of being followers, never initiators? They have no mind or will of their own? They can’t take an interest in life unless they are in the arms of an adult?

It is true that babies need plenty of attentive physical contact with loving adults, but they also benefit from initiating self-chosen activities, engaging with life on their own terms, which might be as simple as an uninterrupted exploration of their hands or feet, or a daydream about dust particles. They especially enjoy having our appreciative attention without our direction.

3. Short attention span? Think again. Let infants choose, and their interest lasts longer

Another reason to let babies initiate learning activities is that they (like all of us) are capable of a longer attention span when they are doing something that they find enjoyable or intrinsically motivating.  Magda Gerber balked at the idea that infants and toddlers have short attention spans, because she’d observed otherwise. Magda understood that only the baby really knows what interests him at any given moment, and when we allow babies to choose activities and don’t interrupt, they astound us by engaging much longer than generally thought possible. (See this video and the one below!)

4. Big play spaces can be too much of a good thing. Even the smallest babies need boundaries

Parents have asked, “My whole house is childproofed. Do I need to make a gated play space for my baby?” And my answer is yes, because babies aren’t as comfortable playing when they are in a very large area. They are distracted and overwhelmed by too much “freedom”, actually appreciate the security they feel within safe boundaries (although toddlers might test and seem to object to them). The younger the baby, the smaller the space needed to feel truly free to explore their world and learn. Very young infants have plenty of room to play in a crib or playpen.

5. Familiarity breeds learning

An interesting paradox about babies…they learn more from what they know than from what they don’t know.  Learning blossoms when babies have a predictable environment. They love to know the ropes.

I get a kick out of observing babies entering the RIE classroom each week with their parents. The first few times they come, they quietly take in this novel situation. Then you begin to see the spark of recognition in their eyes and maybe a smile. As the months pass, some of the children arrive and point out their favorite familiar things in the classroom, as if touching base. I’ll respond, “Yes, there’s that dog in the picture you always see here.” You can clearly see when they have gotten over the hump and begin to own the place, because they dive right in and begin exploring. If they’ve missed a week or two for whatever reason, it might take them a couple of classes to feel that sense of comfort again.

Parents who have returned from family trips often tell me how elated their toddlers are to be home, enjoying their safe play spaces again.

6. Babies learn more when their toys are doing less

Interestingly, they engage with passive, simple, open-ended toys and objects for much longer, too. And that reminds me…

A family in one of my classes allowed me to share a video of their son, and it happens to perfectly illustrate the infant learning secrets I’ve mentioned: trust in the infant as a self-learner, the comfort of boundaries and familiarity, sustained attention as a result of self-chosen activity, and the value of simple objects as creative learning tools.

Watch this 10 month old scientist focusing intently for over 8 minutes (but there’s no need to watch the whole thing to get the picture). Observe his attention to every detail as he explores his object’s properties and creates educational experiments that help him to better understand balance, mobility, gravity, velocity. Even more impressive to me than this baby actively learning is the atmosphere of trust his parents have provided. The belief they obviously have in their son and his abilities is what makes this depth of learning possible. 

(I love the way he checks out his hand in the beginning.)

Now, here’s a sampling of the “qualities of a good learner” that I found from a variety of sources on the web. Do any of these remind you of babies?

• passion for knowledge.
• remains focused on the subject matter at hand, and takes time to review the material until it is assimilated appropriately, or we might say until it is well ingrained.
• perseveres and does not become frustrated or discouraged when items are not easily understood at first.
• will realize that in many instances, learning is not always a spontaneous event, but something that is realized over a period of time.
• understands the importance of practice, practice, practice.
• actively participates.
• always tries.
• analyzes new information and contrasts it with what they already know.
• begins with being present–physically, mentally. Knows how he/she learns best and is creative.
• enjoys learning.
• has a personal interest in the subject matter.
• has active listening, thinks and responds.
• has frustrations and asks a lot of questions.
• is a good listener, loves what he/she is learning.
• is creative — able to challenge assumed knowledge.
• is enthusiastic about learning. You don’t have to be smart.
• is open to taking risks, exploring, playing. It’s more about the process than the product.
• is open-minded.
• is willing to work hard.
• never stops learning.
• very curious, aware and focused on his/her mission.
• tries to cultivate “beginner’s mind”. (Ha!)
]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/08/the-secrets-of-infant-learning/feed/ 19 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/07/baby-led-adventures-5-reasons-babies-need-to-lead/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/07/baby-led-adventures-5-reasons-babies-need-to-lead/#comments Tue, 12 Jul 2011 15:13:56 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=3866 Babies are born adventurers. If we give them our full attention and a completely safe, reasonably interesting place in which they are free to move, they’re on their way. Even the youngest infant can lead us on play adventures if we watch closely and use our imagination, because long before a baby has motor abilities, the wheels are turning. He’s seeing, hearing, feeling and thinking. He’s never “just lying there”. 

Then, once babies are able to grasp and move, they begin to show us some of their thought processes. (“Hmmm…wonder how this wooden ring would taste and feel in my mouth.” Or “I’m ready to crawl back to mommy for some hugs and refueling.”). In the second year they begin to tell us.

To follow a baby it’s best to discard any play “agendas” we might have, stifle our impulses to entertain, teach, demonstrate or even help. This can be challenging. We’re naturally eager to connect and might find it hard to believe that our supportive presence is enough. But, in fact, it’s even better than enough because it allows our children to engage with us on their terms — by bringing us a toy, for example, or looking at us to indicate their wish for a response. Meanwhile, our quiet attention is distinctly felt by our babies. Remember, babies have an even higher overall awareness level than adults. Recent studies show that they are actually unable to tune out stimuli in their environment and focus solely on one thing. They may not yet know-it-all, but they sense-it-all.

It’s not that there’s anything wrong with entertaining babies, showing them toys and how to play with them from time to time. But to encourage baby-led adventures we must keep in mind that we are incredibly captivating, larger-than-life figures to our children. We are life to them. We are the world. So, when we do anything, our child’s tendency will be to focus on us. Encouraging a baby to lead play means we must be patient, observant and responsive in a gentle way so that we don’t interrupt the child’s process. It’s well worth it.

Here’s why…

The child:

1. Designs the perfect curriculum

OK, I admit I have a fantasy about reading babies’ minds. I would love to know what a baby is thinking as he gazes up at the trees, stares at shadows on the wall, feels the breeze, hears the dog barking or daddy’s footsteps and “Hello!” as he walks in the front door.  But in reality, children are the only ones who know what interests them and what they are working on. Given a reasonably enriching environment, each individual baby is capable of designing a curriculum that is meaningful, pertinent and developmentally appropriate for him or her.  Our ideas and decisions can’t compete, and can only distract from the important business at hand. 

2. Accepts limits more readily

When babies are given the freedom to lead their play adventures — allowed to spend much of their time being inner-directed — they accept direction more readily. That doesn’t mean they always obediently follow our wishes (if only!). Infants and toddlers (especially) have a healthy need to resist and disagree. But our directions are much easier for a child to swallow when he has been trusted to be autonomous in his ‘free’ time in a safe play space. When a child has lots of green lights, he is much more amenable to accepting the red and yellow ones.

3. Learns to occupy himself and enjoys doing so

This one’s a big plus for parents, too. Babies allowed to lead their play adventures amaze friends and relatives with their long attention spans and interesting antics. They are a pleasure to be with because they don’t require us to expend energy entertaining them (and don’t need TV, either).  

4. Practices being a leader, innovator, self-learner, explorer

Playtime is the rare opportunity babies have to be a leader instead of a follower, an innovator and initiator rather than an imitator, totally inner-directed. Encourage them to take full advantage.

5. Feels trusted and appreciated

Encouraging baby-led adventures means trusting babies to do what they wish, their way, in their time. So, our baby receives a consistent, profound message from the people who matter most to him…he is interesting and capable, and we wouldn’t change a thing.

The adult:

Does less… learns much more… is surprised, amazed and inspired… enjoys the ride.

Adventures like these are parenting gold – the secret to enjoying our job and the inspiration needed to carry us through even the longest of days. These are precious opportunities to leave our hurries, worries, all our agendas behind and enjoy now.

It can be difficult to step back and let your child take the lead, but in this way you will observe and learn from her. You will discover with delight that your child has many inherent abilities that might have been missed if she had not been allowed to explore in her own way. With practice, this relaxed sitting back becomes easier. – Magda Gerber

For a demonstration of the benefits of baby-led adventures, here’s a video I’ve also shared in Infant Play – Great Minds At Work and Baby, Interrupted – 7 Ways To Build Your Child’s Focus And Attention Span. Please check my YouTube channel for other vivid examples of independent play.


One more thing… There is a fantastic new book by RIE Associate Alexandra Curtis Boyer that provides a complete guide for fostering infant/toddler play in your home or child care setting. Simple Toys Make Active Babies – Creating A Brain-Building Play Space For Your Baby Or Toddler is small but packed with tools and helpful information about play. If this had been around when my children were babies, I would have referred to it often.

 

(Photo: My baby’s adventure that day led her to dreamland. She led the dog there, too. I could only follow through my imagination…)

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/07/baby-led-adventures-5-reasons-babies-need-to-lead/feed/ 10 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/the-parenting-magic-word-10-ways-to-use-it/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/the-parenting-magic-word-10-ways-to-use-it/#comments Wed, 22 Jun 2011 02:26:06 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=3748 Madga Gerber extolled the power of a single word that is fundamental to her child care philosophy. This word reflects a core belief in a baby’s natural abilities, respects his unique developmental timetable, fulfills his need to experience mastery, be a creative problem solver and to express feelings (even those that are hard for us to witness). The word is a simple, practical tool for understanding babies, providing love, attention and trust for humans of all ages.

The word is wait. And here’s how it works…

1. Wait for development of an infant or toddler’s motor skills, toilet learning, language and other preschool learning skills. Notice a child’s satisfaction, comfort and self-pride when he is able to show you what he is ready to do, rather than the other way around. As Magda Gerber often said, “readiness is when they do it.” Ready babies do it better (Hmmm… a bumper sticker?), and they own their achievement completely, relish it, and build self-confidence to last a lifetime.

2. Wait before interrupting and give babies the opportunity to continue what they are doing, learn more about what interests them, develop longer attention spans and become independent self-learners. When we wait while a newborn gazes at the ceiling and allow him to continue his train of thought, he is encouraged not only to keep thinking, but to keep trusting his instincts. Refraining from interrupting whenever possible gives our child the message that we value his chosen activities (and therefore him).

3. Wait for problem solving and allow a child the resilience-building struggle and frustration that usually precedes accomplishment. Wait to see first what a child is capable of doing on his own.

When a baby is struggling to roll from back to tummy, try comforting with gentle words of encouragement before intervening and interrupting his process. Then if frustration mounts, pick him up and give him a break rather than turning him over and ‘fixing’ him. This encourages our baby to try, try again and eventually succeed, rather than believe himself incapable and expect others to do it for him. This holds true for the development of motor skills, struggles with toys, puzzles and equipment, even self-soothing abilities like finding his thumb rather than giving him a pacifier.

(For more examples of the value of waiting for children to solve problems, please read A Jar Not Opened and A Hovering Parent’s Successful Landing.)

4. Wait for discovery rather than showing a child her new toy and how it works. When you teach a child something, you take away forever his chance of discovering it for himself. –Jean Piaget

5. Wait and observe to see what the child is really doing before jumping to conclusions. A baby reaching towards a toy might be satisfied to be stretching his arm and fingers, not expecting to accomplish a task. A toddler looking through a sliding glass door might be practicing standing or enjoying the view and not necessarily eager to go outside.

6. Wait for conflict resolution and give babies the opportunity to solve problems with their peers, which they usually do quite readily if we can remain calm and patient. And what may look like conflict to an adult is often just “playing together” through an infant or toddler’s eyes.

7. Wait for readiness before introducing new activities and children can be active participants, embrace experiences more eagerly and confidently, comprehend and learn far more. It’s hard to wait to share our own exciting childhood experiences (like shows, theme parks or dance classes) with our children, but sooner is almost never better, and our patience always pays off. (I explain this in much more detail in Toddler Readiness – The Beauty of Waiting and Please Don’t Take The Babies.)

8.  Wait for a better understanding of what babies need when they cry. When we follow the impulse most of us have to quell our children’s tears as quickly as possible, we can end up projecting and assuming needs rather than truly understanding what our child is communicating. This is the basis of my argument with Annie from Ph.D. in Parenting in Attachment Parenting Debate – For Crying Out Loud and the realization shared by a parent in A Toddler’s Need To Cry (One Parent’s Lesson).

9. Wait for feelings to be expressed so that our children can fully process them. Our child’s cries can stir up our own deeply suppressed emotions; make us impatient, annoyed, uneasy, and even angry or fearful. But children need our non-judgmental acceptance of their feelings and our encouragement to allow them to run their course.

10. Wait for ideas from children before offering suggestions of our own. This encourages them to be patient thinkers and brainstormers. Countless times I’ve experienced the miracle of waiting before giving my brilliant two cents while children play, or providing play ideas when children seem bored. Biting my tongue for a few minutes, maybe saying some encouraging words to a toddler like, “It’s hard to know what to do sometimes, but you are creative, I know you’ll think of something” is usually all that it takes for the child to come up with an idea. And it’s bound to be more imaginative, interesting and appropriate than anything I could have thought of. Best of all, the child receives spectacular affirmations: 1) I am a creative thinker and problem solver; 2) I can bear discomfort, struggle and frustration; 3) Boredom is just the time and space between ideas… (And sometimes, the wellspring of genius.)

Instincts may tell us that waiting is uncaring, unhelpful and confidence-shaking — until the results are proven to us. Sitting back patiently and observing often feels counterintuitive, so even if we know and appreciate the magic that can happen when we “wait”, it usually involves a conscious effort. But it’s worth it.

Do you find it challenging to wait? Do you have a magic word of your own? No need to wait to share your thoughts…

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/the-parenting-magic-word-10-ways-to-use-it/feed/ 21 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/05/encouraging-babys-self-directed-play/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/05/encouraging-babys-self-directed-play/#comments Mon, 23 May 2011 01:06:17 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=3600 Hello Janet,

I have found the basic tenets of RIE philosophy to be very intuitive. I naturally see my 5.5 month son as an independent and individual human being who is, for the time being, dependent on me for his basic needs etc. He and I are each other’s daily companions, and we have fallen into some lovely routines that have mostly emanated from a mindful approach to his moment-to-moment experience. I try to do things at his speed so that the day makes sense to him, too.

We spend lots of time exploring on the floor with simple age-appropriate elements for him to seek out on his own accord. But this is where I begin to have questions about RIE implementation: I am not sure how to encourage the more self-directed play. When I place him down on the floor first thing in the morning or after a good nap, he may start exploring independently- but once he & I make eye contact it’s basically over and he wants to engage me completely. I have trouble disengaging and helping him fall back into a self-directed mode.

I’ve tried sitting next to him, kind of fake reading one of his books so that he knows I’m there but can’t make eye contact, I’ve tried sitting by him & quietly smiling with light verbal encouragement when he looks to me. I’ve tried quietly straightening up the room or putting away laundry, and I’ve tried leaving the room (although spying on him from around the corner isn’t what I hoped for with respect to RIE baby observation). If I don’t make eye contact I sense that he feels stressed, & if I do I feel too drawn in – like I’m interrupting his blue sky time. Needless to say, I’m feeling like I’ve hit a rough patch and would appreciate any insights you could offer about this part of RIE implementation.

With gratitude,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Eden

Hi Eden,

What do you do when he makes eye contact and wants to engage? I would advise acknowledging him right away, not trying to avoid his gaze or making too little of it. Stay seated on the floor (if you’re there already) and wherever you are, respond without hesitation and be really honest. “I see you there (doing such-in-such).” If he cries, come close, but don’t feel like it’s a call to action. You don’t need to pick him up right away. “Oh, I hear you crying. What’s the matter? Are you tired? Uncomfortable?” You might even lie down next to him and caress him. Calm yourself so that you don’t overreact, but don’t resist responding either.

If he continues to cry with you right next to him, ask, “Do you need a little break from playing? Do you want me to pick you up? Okay, I’m going to pick you up.” Then hold him on your lap, preferably in a horizontal position rather than upright. If he’s not used to being held in a horizontal position, he might resist until you hold him upright. That’s okay, but stay seated while you hold him, so that it doesn’t become a big rescuing kind of thing.

If he seems to calm down you can ask “Do you want to play again? Okay, I’m going to lay you down.” And then do it very slowly and gently. I think you might possibly be worrying too much or trying too hard to make it work, and perhaps he’s picking up a little anxiety from you. This will pass. You are doing everything right. When his need to make eye contact sometimes (and complain a little) is not a big deal to you at all, he’ll get over the hump. At least that’s what I think from what you’ve told me!

Please let me know if there’s more…or if I’m missing something…

Warmly,                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Janet

For more information about establishing self-directed play for infants, please read these posts in the “infant issues” section of the community forum. Lisa Sunbury from Regarding Baby and others share experiences and insights…

Independent play time for a 9 month old

11 month old and RIE

How do mobile infants play?

Infant play time and sleep

(Photo taken at the RIE center by Jude Keith Rose)

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