I have three vivid memories of growing up:

The first is of my mother when I was five or six years old. I was getting ready for school and had difficulty putting my shoes on the correct feet (being slightly dyslexic), and my mother went ballistic. She hit me, over and over, all while yelling at me how stupid I was for not having it figured out by now.

The second is of my father when I was ten or eleven. We were driving back from a stage production rehearsal, and my sister told him how I got in trouble for kicking a boy standing next to me (because by this age, I had become rather angry and aggressive). My father turned to me and said, “Wow, you really are a little bitch, aren’t you?”

The third memory is simply of being alone. I know I did things with my family. We have pictures of us – at Disneyland, in Yellowstone Park, traveling all over the world. Some scenes I remember happening, but many I have no recollection of at all. I was with them, but I can’t think of a single conversation or a moment of laughter. Sometimes I feel my entire childhood was completely disconnected from anyone.

I don’t want that for my children.

When I became pregnant with my first son, I read everything I could find about being a parent. I was immediately drawn to the Dr. Sears books about attachment parenting. Everything he said about closeness, establishing a bond, and listening to your loving instincts as a parent resonated with me. That was what I wanted with my children. I wanted to show them as much love as I could.

I already planned a natural birth and to breastfeed, and the babywearing and co-sleeping followed easily. Terminology aside, I loved it. I decided not to return to work and enjoyed the hours at home with my son – playing with him, cuddling with him, and just loving him. There were many, many times when I was exhausted, but I willed myself to be patient with him, even when he was screaming. I was determined not to be like my mother.

When my first son was nine months old, I became pregnant again. When my second son was born, I did what I did the first time around: breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing. I was secretly relieved my younger one preferred to sleep in a bassinet beside my bed instead of in it, and thankful he enjoyed playing by himself on the floor. Still, I felt guilty that he wasn’t getting the attention his older brother had enjoyed.

Finally, the nighttimes caught up with me when at six months my younger son began waking every two hours to breastfeed, and my older son refused to sleep without me next to him. It was too much, and the strain of sleep deprivation took its toll on my ability to cope during the day. I yelled more, turned on the television more, and finally in a frustrated rage smacked my son on his backside.

I needed to change.

Through my blog I was led to Lisa Sunbury, and then to Janet. Learning about RIE changed my life.

While I love the building blocks of attachment parenting, it can become all-consuming for someone who is not good at establishing boundaries (a common trait of abuse survivors). RIE helps me understand how respect includes implementing and enforcing appropriate limits – not just for my children, but for me.

We’ve started a more structured sleep routine and independent play time, both of which have been met with predictable resistance. But even with the transition hurdles, it has taken immense pressure off me. It’s allowed me to step back and look at how I handle my connections to my children, and make changes to improve them.

I’ve learned that our bond is a relationship: one based not just on love, but trust, respect and mutual give-and-take. By recognizing my children as individuals who need to learn and grow on their own, I’ve learned to re-route my sometimes overwhelming emotions by saying, “this is too much, I’m frustrated,” or “I need to be alone now” – and then take time without feeling guilty about their reactions. I’ve also learned that I don’t need to respond immediately. When  I see my older son hit his brother, I can step back to understand what just happened before I decide what to do.

I am a work in progress. I know this, and I occasionally fall back on harmful habits (frustration and yelling – not hitting) that shaped my childhood. But I can see my relationships changing. I’m confident the respect I’ve cultivated will continue to grow so my children will be attached to me. My hope is their childhoods won’t be marred by the unmoored loneliness of mine, and instead be filled with security, love and joy.

Suchada writes about natural birth, breastfeeding, and green living, among other natural parenting topics on her beautiful site Mama Eve. Visit and be inspired!  She is also an editor and contributor at Natural Parents Network.

(Photo “Thoughtful” is by clairity on Flickr)

I know Suchada would appreciate hearing your thoughts…

Helena allowed me to share a glimpse of her process with her charming 9 month old son Kees…

Hi Janet,

Firstly, thanks for all your amazing insights into childrearing. I was recommended to your website by my sister-in-law here in New Zealand when my first son Kees was about 3-4 months old. We were having such a hard time with him. He would scream for 6-8 hours a day, and I had no idea what to do about it (your story about playing extremely loud music and jiggling your daughter around in the front pack was a little close to home *blush*)

He is now 9 months old and such a delight to be around. Within weeks of reading your blog and starting to try out the RIE approach, we were both enjoying each other more than I could have imagined! It was your post “Blue Sky Thinking” that got me at first, as it resonated with how I was feeling with him. Only a few days before reading that post I had found myself aimlessly waving a toy at him (as he lay unhappily in his play-gym) thinking ‘is this really all there is?’

I have a question for you (or perhaps several): He is 9 months old now and we are talking about trying for our second child.  Before I was pregnant with Kees I was a very active and fit person.  I used to play competitive sport and went to the gym up until I was 7 months pregnant. Since his arrival I have struggled to do any exercise apart from the odd walk and time in the garden.  I still haven’t shed all my pregnancy weight, and the idea of adding to it with another pregnancy in which I can’t go to the gym scares me a little.

Everyone says to me I should just take him out walking in the pram every day, but that creates a dilemma for me.  I guess I think that if I do it when he is awake I am wasting his play time, and that it is a bit selfish. But if I do it when he is due for a sleep, that isn’t very good either, partly as he won’t sleep as well, but also because if it becomes  a regular thing it will create a bad habit for him, and we are trying so hard to keep his sleeping regular and predictable for him.

It is summer here and beautiful outside, but it is so sunny you would need to have the shade cover up on the pram at least half the trip, which kind of defeats the purpose as he  can’t see or enjoy the walk?

So I guess my questions are…what do you think about regular walking in the pram for a child his age? And do you have any exercise suggestions that might work around him?

A few details about our life that effect when and how I can exercise:

My husband works full time, and I run our own business from home, so nearly all of our time when Kees is asleep is taken up with work. His safe play space is our lounge, so when he is awake it isn’t practical for me to exercise in there, and there are no other spaces inside that would work well. I am still breast feeding so breakfast/dinner time I have to be around so can’t head of to the gym then…

Any insights would be much appreciated!

Thanks again,                                                                                                                                                                                         Helena

Hi Helena,

I’m thrilled to know that you were able to discover Magda Gerber’s ideas (and you will be forever grateful you followed her advice) via your sister-in-law and my blog. Is she part of the big group of RIE enthusiasts in New Zealand? Please thank her for me!

I’m a little stunned by how thoroughly you seem to understand the RIE approach already. And I love the concern you have about Kees missing out on play time in the stroller. Most of us are led to believe that walks are ideal, even necessary for babies every day.  Yes, his movement will be restricted and he won’t be able to play actively, but if you need a walk, that is certainly a good enough reason to take Kees for one. 

Would late afternoon timing work for you? After the second nap? Late afternoon is often a fussy time for babies (sometimes referred to as “the arsenic hour”). Maybe that would be a good time to give him the entertainment and lulling effect of the stroller?  Of course, if you could afford one of those fancy old fashioned prams that he could move a bit and sit up in, wouldn’t that be great? (I couldn’t.)

Can you create a play area for Kees outdoors and then jump rope nearby (actually, jumping rope with breastfeeding breasts might not be too fun) or some other exercise?

Otherwise, maybe after his first feeding in the morning your husband could stay with him while you do some exercise somewhere?

The main thing to know is that these issues will begin to work themselves out soon. I remember being so impatient about getting back in shape with my first, and realistically, that isn’t going to happen until the second year, at least, for a hands-on (and breasts-on) mom like you. Go easy on yourself!

Please let me know how I can support you and feel free to ask any other questions here, or on the community forum.

Looking forward to hearing more about you and Kees.

Warmly,                                                                                                                                                                                         Janet

Hi Janet,

Thank you for your amazing reply. I read it to my husband and he was surprised that you would take the time to write it. We both feel very blessed to have discovered Magda Gerber’s ideas.  

My sister-in-law is an early childhood teacher and came across it [RIE] through her work. She then bought both of Magda’s books (which I have read). She also went to the recent RIE conference and brought home the RIE manual. So, along with those books and the huge number of your blog posts  we have read, we are learning heaps!

I think I have managed to take some of the RIE basics to heart, but I have found it an interesting internal struggle to learn and also unlearn so many things. I am a very rush rush rush person whose idea of the perfect mother was previously based on how well I could multi-task and juggle. I remember being proud of how I still managed to make it to the local bridal show to set up my stand with 5-day old Kees in my arms (I make bridal accessories), and how I could breastfeed and e-mail or make jewelry at the same time! I had even tried sewing on my machine with him wrapped in a baby wearing contraption!  

Possibly one of the most amazing gifts that Magda has given me (and subsequently my family) is allowing me to slow down — teaching me that it is not only OK, but also beneficial to all involved. To my initial amazement,  I actually found I got more done when I slowed down and gave Kees 100% of my focus during care routines and then allowed him to have time to play on his own. Within days of trying this he played happily on his back for over 30 minutes when previously I don’t know if I had even had 5 minutes! I am also a very reactive and loud sort of person, so learning to respond thoughtfully and gently to Kees has been very trying, but I know I am getting there slowly (hopefully, I will have it worked out before he is 18!).  

Thank you for your suggestions. We have been working on an outdoor play area for him, but a few other urgent jobs (including cars that don’t run) have taken up my husband’s time. We have a lovely big flowering cherry tree in the middle of our back lawn and have been looking for appropriate materials to build a safe area underneath it that he can use over the next year or so before it is safe for him to be out in the rest of the garden. In the meantime, we have used a playpen which we know is getting too small for him. He doesn’t seem to mind too much, but it isn’t ideal.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply as you did, your encouragement means the world.  RIE can be a little isolating sometimes and so it is great to have this online support. I haven’t spent much time on your community forum but I will have a good read.

Regards,                                                                                                                                                                                                    Helena

P.S. I attached a picture of Kees who turned 9 months old today! As a reminder of the little life you have influenced so much.

Then, when I thanked her for the adorable photo of Kees (which is posted above and makes me feel a little like a proud grandma) and asked if I could share her e-mail, Helena shared new insights…

You are welcome to post my email if you think that it will in any way encourage other parents. I know that it was so common to get the advice to ‘follow your instincts’ or ‘do what felt right for you’.  When he was first born, we did follow this conventional advice, and it didn’t work so well. As we began implementing the RIE principles, so many felt a bit counter-intuitive and almost unnatural, especially for me. But as we all adapted, it now feels like the most natural thing. I think for some reason parenting advice is easier to listen to via electronic means — no-one really wants to be told how to parent, so in person it can be hard to share with others without offending.  On line, I think we can react in the comfort of our own homes, and it can be easier to process advice without having our guard up so much trying to make people think we have it all together.

Helena and I welcome your thoughts!

Early Childhood Educator and RIE Associate Lisa Sunbury, M.A., wrote this insightful response…

I did see and read this article yesterday. Pretty fascinating to me. I think what it points to is that there are many different ways of parenting, and many people feel very strongly that one way or another is the best way. Everyone is entitled to their way of thinking and doing things, but I object to any one way being presented as “the best way” or a “superior way.” I believe all of the various philosophies of childcare and ways of parenting (or caring) have developed in response to a number of factors, including cultural and personal values and norms, the ways in which adults view children and childhood, and new scientific understandings of how children develop, to name a few.

All parents and teachers, whether they realize it or not, have a philosophy (an underlying set of beliefs) about children and parenting, which then impacts their actions and how they approach caring for children. I mention this because I have recently been doing a vast amount of reading of on-line blogs written by parents and teachers.

Especially among parents, there sometimes seems to be this argument (or discussion) about the best way to parent, or, on the other hand, there are those who say, “I don’t have a philosophy. I do what feels right to me. I don’t want anyone to tell me how to be a parent. I don’t care about what research says or what works for you. I do what works for me and my child.”

Well, guess what? Right there is a philosophy about children, and parenting. What we think, say, and believe impacts how we care for, raise, teach, and interact with children. This in turn impacts how children learn and grow. What I like about RIE is that Magda Gerber challenges adults to become conscious of the choices we’re making, and why, and to consider the impact our choices and actions might have on children in the long run. (She also didn’t think a child had to be walking and talking yet, to be a considered a whole human being, capable of participating fully in relationships, and learning from the start.)

Because I have no biological children of my own, but instead have devoted myself to caring for other people’s children, and supporting families, I have an interesting vantage point. I feel an added responsibility to constantly be listening, learning, and questioning my assumptions about young children, what they need, and how to best support their optimal physical, emotional, and cognitive growth, and further, how to support their parents in finding their own way in their parenting process.

One thing that the parent/child relationship has going for it, is the protective factor of love, and the on-goingness of the relationship over many years. There are a lot of opportunities for parents and children to learn from each other, and to “get it right” over time.

As a caregiver, or teacher of young children, I am sometimes only a part of a child’s life for a very short time, and so feel the burden of giving them the very best I can offer. Which brings me to RIE again. In all of my years of studying and working with young children, never have I found a philosophy that makes more sense to me, not just in terms of the deep respect, trust, and understanding for young babies and what they need, but also in terms of being one that works for parents, and makes the very hard job of parenting easier and more enjoyable.

RIE principles encourage awareness, slowing down, considering the other, honesty, creating and holding a safe place for the other- it’s all about building strong relationships, and honoring the needs of both people in the relationship. I love what Janet said in her most recent blog post about discipline: “Parenting is about building a relationship with another person.”

Notable in terms of the available research findings, and “proof” we have today about how babies develop and learn, RIE practices can be considered “best practices.” What could possibly be harmful about slowing down a little, stepping back, listening, and trusting a baby to be able to guide us in caring in an attuned way?

Then again, if you read the article in question, the Mama writing that piece makes a good case for parenting and teaching in a wholly different way, but one I personally am very uncomfortable with, and can’t support. (Again, this has a lot to do with who I am as a person, and what my values are in terms of caring and teaching in ways that will result in confident, free thinking children.)

So, I’ve come full circle in my comment it seems! I love what Magda (Gerber) always said about parenting, which is that she believed there were many good ways to raise a child, and she offered one way, which she believed would never cause harm. If you asked her, she was very clear about the how, and the why, and she never compromised, yet she allowed people to come to their own understanding in their own time and their own way (or not), much like she did with babies.

(Lisa Sunbury is the author of the blog Regarding Baby.)

I’ll be sharing my opinions here in the comments. Please join me!

(Photo of the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial in San Francisco’s Yerba Buena Gardens by B.S.Wise on Flickr)

I find that I’m overwhelmed trying to determine what our little one will truly “need”, versus what mainstream parenting says we need. My sister just had her first child in July, and she and my mother have offered a lot of advice to me (with the best of intentions). I’m just trying to get to the meat of it and figure out what we will really need (such as a crib) as opposed to what “makes life easier” (such as a bouncy seat).

Does anyone have any good resources for a RIE-centered checklist of sorts, telling my husband and I what we can’t live without? Or, parents out there, what did you find indispensable, and what did you buy or receive that you didn’t use or found counter to this philosophy?

Thanks!

(From the community forum)

Very exciting news!

What a great idea – a RIE new baby checklist. As far as I know, one doesn’t exist, so I’m jumping in first to give you my list, but I hope this doesn’t discourage other parents and educators from sharing theirs. I really want to hear from all of you!

This is a list for parents who want to enable their baby to develop gross motor skills naturally, encourage independent play, and make care-giving activities (diaper changes, feedings, etc.) enjoyable opportunities for relationship building.

Needs…

1. Crib (or not, depending on your desired sleeping arrangement)

2. Bassinet – cozy for babies and convenient for parents in the first months for night feedings

3. Changing table – as large as possible (with rails for maximum safety) to allow an older infant/toddler to move and re-position

4. Playpen or gated play space – creating safe play spaces is a vital necessity for independent play

5. Car seat

6. Carrier or stroller

7. Sofa or chair for a comfortable feeding place

8. Comfy, easy to move in clothes

9. Blankets, diapers, washcloths, bottles (if you will use them)

Might want…

1. Baby bathtub – I used the kitchen sink mostly, but some people prefer the small tub

2. Diaper bag – definitely nice and convenient, but any bag will do

Don’t need…

1. Bouncy seat – will not “make life easier” in the long run because it creates a dependency on being upright that makes it harder to establish the habit of independent play and interferes with natural gross motor development

2. Swings, walkers, jumpers, exersaucers – ditto, above. The motion of the swing puts babies in an unnatural, altered state (mine got a really scary, glassy-eyed, thousand-yard-stare on her face) before eventually sending them to sleep.

3. Busy, entertaining “play gyms” and toys – they won’t hurt if used occasionally, but keep in mind that babies can easily become used to us providing activity and entertainment. When we do less, our baby does more and learns more, we relax and enjoy most – yay!

4. DVDs – don’t get me started

5. New gizmos I haven’t even heard of yet – We’ve lived without them this long, so I highly doubt you’ll  need any of them now (but I always get a kick and an eye-roll out of hearing about them, so please share)

6. High chair – although many RIE enthusiasts use them and they are convenient for family gatherings, they aren’t necessary. We recommend lap feeding (see Mindful Mouthfuls) and then transitioning to a small table and chair or stool when the baby can sit independently.

7. Donut shaped propping pillows – I don’t recommend propping babies for the reasons stated above regarding “bouncy seats”, but I placed my pillow around my waist and it made a great nursing pillow/armrest.

8. Mobile over the crib – if you do get a mobile that you like, place it in the corner of the room so that the baby can choose to look at it rather than being stuck with it in front of his or her face

9. Pacifiers – I know it might be scary to go pacifier-free (and many RIE parents I know resort to using them) but pacifiers create an unnecessary dependency. If I did without them, you can. You really can.

10. Shoes – babies feel and grip with their feet, use them to develop gross motor skills, explore, hold, even suck their toes, and otherwise enjoy them. They don’t need shoes until they are well-established walkers and outside. At RIE we even recommend removing a baby’s socks or booties any time it’s warm enough (even if the socks have grips on the bottom), so they can have full use of their feet. Barefoot is safer for walkers and climbers, too.

11. Rocking chair – contrary to popular opinion, babies don’t need to rock, but sometimes tired parents do…so, might be nice.

Extravagance…

1. Extra playpen for outdoors and umbrellas for shade if needed

2. More gates to make a play space (or two) for a mobile baby – establishing gates before a baby becomes mobile is best because he accepts them as part of his safe environment, rather than feeling suddenly “blocked” when he begins to crawl.

3. Indoor/outdoor play space – could never swing this, but if you have a safe room that leads to an enclosed, safe-proofed deck, patio, yard or balcony and can secure doors safely open…fantastic!

4. Outdoor crib for naps on nice days

5. Cozy chair outdoors for feedings

6. Car seat a baby can lie flat in – I don’t even know if they make these anymore, and my third baby grew out of it in a week, but it was great to go home from the hospital without worrying about the baby’s head being supported.

7. Pram – the old-fashioned kind in which babies can lie flat when they are tiny, and later roll and move freely in, sit up in themselves, etc. This was a fantasy of mine, but not affordable for the amount I would have used it. I don’t think they can fold up easily and fit into the car, so they might only be practical for talking walks from home.

8. Jogging stroller – great, especially if it’s the only way you can get out and exercise, but I rarely used mine. I realized that I like to feel free and alone when I run.

9. Changing table in a bathroom – I only had this set up with my third child, but it was luxurious to have a sink with running water handy for messes and hand washing

10. Wipe warmers – a minor indulgence that cheered me up on a cold night or morning, but certainly unnecessary

Okay, now I’m sure I’m forgetting some things, so I’m counting on you to chime in here…

For more about baby equipment, please read Set Me Free – Unrestricted Babies (And The Equipment They Don’t Need)

(Photo by emilianohorcada on Flickr)

We’ve also begun some intriguing discussions on topics like sibling issues, book reviews, the Waldorf and RIE philosophies, Elimination Communication, toddlers, and more. 

Thanks so much to all of you for your participation, your generous spirit and support. I’m getting a big kick out of your enthusiasm and love the way our community is blossoming! 

Cheers!                                                                                                                                                                                                  Janet

Since I began this blog almost one year ago, I have had the pleasure of communicating with some wonderful parents from all over the world – from Mexico to India to Australia to Texas to Thailand, and everywhere in between.  You’ve been intrigued by some of the methods recommended by Magda Gerber. Many of you practice Magda’s child care principles without any RIE classes in your area to attend, and little support besides Magda’s books, this blog, and an occasional (and welcome) email exchange with me. 

You amaze me, because I know that even with the classes and the support of other like-minded parents, practicing RIE principles can be lonely, sometimes even scary since you’re going against the grain of conventional parenting wisdom.  But if you are like me and many others, these Magda Gerber and Emmi Pikler ideas resonate, and when you find that they are working, that makes you bolder. 

So, the main purpose of this new Community section is to provide a tool for dialogue and support — especially local support. The forum will be viewable by the general public, but the ‘Parents Connect Locally’ forum will be for members only. My wildest hope is that you will find like-minded parents in your area and form infant and toddler playgroups. Just begin a post in this section with your city name, tag it, and let others find you. 

There are other forums, too. Please check them out, and start your own thread by posting a comment, a question or even a rant.  And you don’t have to be a parent or an early childhood professional to join the community…all interested parties are welcome, unless you’re a spammer, in which case I’ll send a bolt of bad karma back to your server. 

Cheers!

Janet

And now, I’m happy to present your finds… 

Inspired By Pikler (http://www.inspiredbypikler.org.nz ) is from New Zealand and has information about people working with infants and toddlers, many of whom have been trained in “Educaring”. Educaring is Resources For Infant Educarers (RIE) founder Magda Gerber’s child care approach, and was inspired by her work with Dr Emmi Pikler. And, there’s exciting news: the first RIE Conference ever held outside  the U.S. is set for October 16, 2010 in Christchurch, N.Z. (For information: http://www.nzrieconference.com)  

More parenting advice you like…

Parenting Worx http://www.parentingworx.co.nz  

Hand in Hand Parenting http://www.handinhandparenting.org/

Betsy Brown Braun http://betsybrownbraun.com/

Ask Moxie http://www.askmoxie.org/

Resources for parents and educators…

Language Castle, LLC http://www.languagecastle.com. Karen Nemeth, M.Ed., shares ideas and resources for teaching young children who speak languages other than English.

National Wildlife Federation http://www.nwf.org has suggestions for connecting children with nature at home and at school. http://www.nwf.org/At-School.aspx Eco-Schools USA  http://www.nwf.org/Global-Warming/School-Solutions/Eco-Schools-USA.aspx

Moms sharing their journeys…

Spring to Mind by Zoe Copley,  http://spring-to-mind.blogspot.com/ (also the name of her new book, which I’m looking forward to reading.)

Raising Our Little One in the Big World by Erika Doktor Cummings http://littleonebigworld.blogspot.com

Child Wild by Sierra http://childwild.com/about-this-writer

Mom’s Toolbox by Amy  http://www.momstoolbox.com 

If you didn’t get the chance to share your favorites, please add them here!

“The Risks Of Parenting While Plugged In” reports findings from five years of studies of the effects of the parental use of technology on their children. According to Sherry Turkle, director of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Initiative on Technology and Self, “Over and over, kids raised the same three examples of feeling hurt and not wanting to show it when their mom or dad would be on their devices instead of paying attention to them: at meals, during pickup after either school or an extracurricular activity, and during sports events.” 

Reactions to the article seem to fall into two camps.  One acknowledges a concern and recognizes the obvious downside of our cyber obsession – It is tough to unplug, and more challenging than ever to give our children undivided attention. 

The less concerned camp dismisses the study as yet another parental guilt trip – children have always wanted our attention and parents have always been distracted by other things. It’s good for children to know their parents have lives that don’t revolve exclusively around them. 

Although I agree with the less concerned point-of-view (and I don’t think parents deserve guilt-trips, ever), I think we’d have to be buried in denial not to notice that we are dealing with something new and vastly different here. This is not mom and dad working in their home office, doing housework, reading a book, chatting on the phone at home, or watching their favorite TV show. This is, in Turkle’s words, “ a device, that from the child’s point of view, can take a parent away from any conversation or activity, at any time, and that always seems to be given precedence.“ 

I recently saw not one, but two moms walking with their young children along the beach in the hazy summer sunshine. The kids looked out towards the ocean as their mothers held their heads down and away from them, trying to tune out the ocean noise so they could concentrate on their phone calls. 

Now, maybe they were CEOs playing hooky to get their kids to the beach, but couldn’t entirely leave work behind.  Maybe their professional lives demanded they make calls and check email wherever and whenever. Or maybe they were making social plans or chatting with friends. Regardless, I don’t judge them, but don’t tell me nothing’s changed!  Phone conversations, notes, emails, and a parent’s work are not any more important now than they used to be. The difference is that technology now allows us to bring our work and social lives onto the beach, the playground, or to a birthday party. Now, because we can, we allow them to intrude everywhere.

It is true that children have always wanted endless amounts of their parents’ undivided attention and can seem impossible to satiate. The toddler who interrupts your phone call after you’ve spent an hour playing with him never offers, “Oh, that’s right…sorry…you paid a lot of attention to me today already.” 

But this study affirms that our children are especially desirous of our attention at certain sensitive times: when we reconnect after a separation, when they are performing or exerting themselves (like on the soccer field) and during meals. When parents text on the car ride home, check email at the soccer game, or are glued to their laptops during social or intimate activities like mealtimes, they aren’t providing the connectivity a child needs. 

Physical proximity to a loved one is not enough for any of us.  Even our newborn infants know the difference between the distracted parent  and one who is really with them. Our spouses, friends and older family members might ask us to turn off our devices. As the study shows, our children probably won’t. Our babies can’t.  

But this is not about judgment, guilt or blaming technology.  As Turkle writes, “What is important is not to get defensive about our compelling devices. We are not going to throw them away. We are going to put them in their place.” 

Honest acknowledgement of this issue can only make our lives better. Since reading the article, I’ve already become more conscious of setting some new boundaries, carving out more sacred time with my kids. The effort it takes me to unplug is making me value the time with my children even more — it feels all the more special. 

Modern technology is unquestionably a blessing. And its biggest gift of all is the realization that life’s best moments happen when we can put it away. 

This commenter, a grandmother, nails it: “In my own life, I try to think of solutions – but then I hear another email come in. I am so curious that I can hardly resist peeking. But I have found that it takes courage to PUT LIMITS ON MY OWN BEHAVIOR and schedule activities that require leaving the technical devices out of sight and mind. It feels good to be wholly in sync with the person next to me. It feels good to read a book without interruption. It feels good to walk in the park without hearing a “ping” in my pocket.”

(For a personal post about children and attention, please read: The Easily Forgotten Gift)

When I became a dad, however, while I was prepared for the ‘business’ of fatherhood, the experience was brand new.  Now I was in love with a baby, and everything really was a big deal. I could watch that child for hours, even as she slept. I couldn’t wait for her to wake up. I wanted to talk to her, bounce her on my knee, take her to restaurants, travel, and show her off to friends and relatives. And I did. I figured that exposing her to my wonderfully exciting world would help to socialize her, and she might become one of those impressively precocious, comfortable-with-adults kids that steal everyone’s attention at cocktail parties. So, of course it only made sense that my baby’s nap schedule should be adjusted to my work hours so I could enjoy quality time interacting with her. 

I bought my baby fantabulous toys made of vibrant colored plastics that I knew she would love once she learned to sit up and got that hand-eye thing working. These toys moved, talked, asked questions and gave answers.  I also loaded up on very cool videos made by companies with names like ‘Baby Genius’ and ‘Toddler Titans’. I was careful to read the descriptions and only chose titles that were educational. I wasn’t going to expose my baby to crap. 

My favorite purchase was a battery-operated 3-speed swing, an ingenious piece of mechanical child care equipment. I had seen these things in action. If your infant is crying and inconsolable, if it’s nap time, or if you just want a mental health break, you strap the kid in and set the thing on auto-pilot. Within seconds, the baby calms down. Soon, she gets that 10,000-yard, no-one’s-home stare. Eventually, the eyes roll back, the shades come down, and she’s dead to the world. Magnificent! 

I meant well. I had a lot of expectations (and fantasies) about my once and future relationship with my infant daughter and how I would manage it. Ultimately, I just wanted to be a good dad – active, fun, available, nurturing. I also wanted interaction and some reciprocal signals that she was as thrilled and adoring of me as I was of her.  When she was tiny and lacked the neck strength to do anything but stare at the ceiling, that meant getting in her face with stuffed animals or a whirly-jig to elicit a smile (I know — gas…). Propping her up seemed like a good idea, too – much easier to see her dad do the Doo Dah Dance – though her head usually sagged to one side at an impossible, really ugly angle. If she was bored (yes, I assumed an infant could be bored), I would sit her in my lap and flap her arms or lift them high above her head (“soooooo big….”). 

It was around this period in my daughter’s infancy that my wife met infant expert Magda Gerber.  I did not become a convert overnight. But after an initial struggle, then a period of tacit compliance to avoid domestic strife, I began to see the innate logic of Magda’s philosophy and insight. 

I got in the habit of announcing my intentions before handling my daughter. Our house was gradually cleared of DayGlo plastic and battery powered toys. (My daughter found other objects to fascinate over.) Oral pacifiers were trashed. (She located her thumb and learned to comfort herself.) I did not put her in high places she couldn’t reach by herself, most especially (and painfully) playground swings. 

And she was happy. Happy staring at the sky without a stuffed animal flying through her limited field of vision; happy manipulating a wooden block rather than building a skyscraper; happy to have me nearby observing rather than controlling her world with my own ideas of fun. 

Over time, it dawned on me that real quality time with my daughter meant quality for her, not entertainment for me.  I began expressing my love by practicing the selfless art of observation, sitting for hours simply watching and being available. The big ‘ah-ha’ was realizing that my presence was enough. I really wasn’t needed for much else, and by restraining my instinct to massage and control the moment, I was doing my daughter the greatest service of all – respecting her. 

As a new father, I believed my job was to prepare my daughter in body and spirit for the big bad world.  So, I followed my instincts – not always a good idea — which meant inserting myself into her world of playtime and daydreaming, doing for her what she could not do for herself. Or, more precisely, what she had not yet figured out for herself. Big difference. By interfering, I was virtually robbing her of the experiences of discovery and success — not the smartest way to encourage self-confidence in a child.  

So, I have come to believe that the very best any of us can do to love our kids is to nurture their instincts so they grow comfortable and confident in the world. But ‘nurturing’ is not as aggressively pro-active as I once thought. Actually, it is more akin to facilitating, allowing our perfect babies to develop through their own processes of discovery. In my case, this meant learning to butt out. And, to my utter amazement and great satisfaction, my daughter (and then her siblings) managed beautifully throughout their infancies and have continued to flourish — physically, mentally, emotionally – developing natural poise and confidence I could never have engineered.  Or nurtured. 

Ultimately, I learned to trust my babies and even coined my own adage: “Never turn down the opportunity to shut up, sit on your hands and observe.”  I think Magda would approve.

Diaper changes are built for intimacy. And all we need to turn diapering from a difficult, dreaded chore into a mutually gratifying experience is to change our perception, to appreciate the moment as an opportunity for developing a closer partnership with our child. Remembering to slow down, to include our baby instead of distracting him, ask for his assistance, use gentle “asking hands” instead of busy, efficient ones can literally transform a mundane task into a time of mutual enrichment. 

It will not always be easy. Toddlers test. That’s what they are supposed to do. A toddler has failed if he makes life too easy for us. Here are some ideas for making the most of diaper changes with our infants and toddlers: 

Set the tone with a respectful beginning. I’m amazed when parents stop a child in his tracks to open the back of his pants without warning, or say, “Ew, smelly! Someone needs a diaper change!” It’s all I can do to refrain from asking, “Would you like to be treated that way? If you passed gas in public would we be waving our hands, holding our noses and grabbing at your pants?” 

Children don’t like to be interrupted when they are playing, and most diaper changes can be postponed until there is a lull in an infant or toddler’s activity. Wait for a break in your child’s play and then say discreetly, “Please let me check your diaper now”.  Then, “We’re going to change your diaper.” If the child walks, you might give the option, “Would you like to walk to the changing table or shall I carry you?” If he resists, you may be able to give him the choice of a bit more time. “I see you’re still playing. In five minutes we will change your diaper.”Toddlers crave autonomy and are more amenable to cooperation when we respect their need to make some decisions. 

Give undivided, unplugged attention. Embrace this time together, and your baby will, too.  Release yourself from other concerns to focus for these few minutes on your child. Slow down. Even the youngest infants sense our hurry or distraction, and it makes them tense and resistant, rather than willing participants. Our slow, gentle touch breeds trust. 

If the child seems distracted, acknowledge it and wait. “You hear that loud siren. I hear it, too. Now, it seems to have passed. Are you ready for me to unsnap your pajama?” Or, “You’re crying. Did I lie you down too quickly? Do you need me to hold you for a moment before we start? 

Ask for your baby’s assistance. Remind yourself to pay attention to the whole person, not just his lower half. Don’t do anything without telling him first. Not only are we treating him with respect by telling him what is happening, we are encouraging him to absorb language with all his senses (the cold wipes, the sound of the snaps on his pajamas). 

You will find joy in your baby’s responsiveness. He soon shows you he can place his hands through a sleeve, contract his abdominal muscles to help you lift his bottom, hold the diaper and the diaper cream. When diapering time is finished and we ask, “Are you ready for me to pick you up?” our baby will learn to extend his arms to us in reply. Surprisingly, even the youngest infants respond when we ask to pick them up by preparing their muscles for a change in altitude and position. 

Be flexible. Stay open to new possibilities. When infants become mobile, they need us to adjust to their needs as best we can. A baby might wish to roll to his tummy to be wiped, or be in an all fours crawling position. The toddler may need to stand and be changed on a pad on the floor.  Continue to ask for cooperation, but compromise and allow the child to do things his way if you can make it work.   

Imagine new ways your child might be able to be more participatory. Invite him to wipe himself, put on his own cream, take his diaper on or off. Children of all ages want to be trusted to do things for themselves whenever possible. If you keep your mind open to all the possibilities, you will be surprised by all your baby can do. 

Remember, your goal is partnership. Are all diaper changes smooth and easy? No way! A securely attached child tests us…often.  Sometimes we start off on the wrong foot, the baby is too tired (or we are) and the whole thing is a disastrous mess. Forget about feeling connected — we may not even like our baby in that moment.  These are normal bumps in the road. Best to embrace those, too, and acknowledge to our child, “Wow, that was a tough one together, wasn’t it?” 

As Ruth Anne Hammond explains in her insightful new book, Respecting Babies: A New Look At Magda Gerber’s RIE Approach, “If [a parent] is usually slow, gentle, and attentive, an occasional lapse is emotionally manageable for the child, and may even be helpful in the process of learning that her parent is human.“ 

Diapering is not just about getting a job done, or having a clean baby. Our hands are a baby’s introduction to the world. If they touch slowly, gently, and “ask” a child for cooperation rather than demand it, we are rewarded with a relationship bound in trust, respect and the inexorable knowledge of our importance to each other. 

“One generally finds that infants are the most content and cheerful in the hands of mothers who move with ceremonious slowness.” –Dr. Emmi Pikler