In A Creative Alternative To Baby TV Time, I speculated that parents desperately need breaks from the 24/7 job of baby care, especially in those first years (been there!). Sometimes TV can seem the easiest or only answer. The majority of these parents must not be aware that there is a healthier, safer way that’s guaranteed to have a positive impact on their baby’s developing brain…

Independent play keeps babies safely occupied, while also providing an essential developmental opportunity. Not only is inner-directed and uninterrupted play a profoundly educational, therapeutic, creative (the list goes on) activity for babies, it’s also the key to raising a child capable of self-entertainment. Provided with safe places to play, these babies have no need for TV.

The American Academy of Pediatrics corroborated these statements when it (all too briefly) mentioned a viable alternative to TV use in its recent update to recommendations for children under 2: leave the baby to play alone. Unfortunately, they neglected to include the most important element of solo play: a 100% safe, gated off area. Parents listening to the report might have been imagining their babies wandering around the house while they went to the bathroom and thinking, ‘no way am I going to do that!’ Nor should they.

Establishing the play ‘habit’ takes a bit more thought and conscious effort in the beginning than does plunking a baby in front of TV. It’s worth it, though, and I can’t imagine a better description of the process than the account and video sent to me by Kerry, a mum from New Zealand…

I’m so happy I’ve persevered with uninterrupted play. I can definitely see the results now. My baby is very content to explore his environment.

The biggest thing for me was TRUST – trusting him to move just the way he needs to, trusting him to spend his time doing what is most relevant to his learning, trusting him to let me know when he needs me. By doing this I have got more and more enjoyment out of observing him and I think we both get more satisfaction out of each small achievement.  It’s like watching life unfold.

I’ve also found it’s almost about going *against* your instincts – to not rattle a toy in his face when he’s day dreaming, to not help him straight away when he’s stuck or frustrated, to not ‘teach’ him how to reach his next milestone.  When he’s playing, he’s being, and by respecting that he’s learnt to love his time on the floor.

Kobe is my ‘proof’ that babies move through physical milestones naturally without the need for adult intervention or teaching. He has found his hands and feet, reached for toys, rolled one way, rolled the other, rolled back, turned in a circle, and I didn’t teach him a thing!

So that’s a couple things, otherwise I always place him on his back first, don’t use any equipment that restricts movement, give him opportunities to play every time he’s awake, give him full attention during care moments, leave the room sometimes when he’s settled and playing (always tell him I’ll be back in 1 minute), acknowledge eye-contact and any frustrations, and make time for interactive play time too (lots of cuddles and singing etc.). 

(Kerry mentioned that she accidentally erased the sound from this video, so we’re unable to hear Kobe reciting Shakespeare’s Sonnet 30 while he plays.)

P.S. Kobe has just started daycare and the teachers have commented on his agility and confidence in his movements, his ability to self-soothe and the way he anticipates and responds to adult’s actions…. I’m such proud mum!

Thank you, Kerry!

Kerry is an early childhood teacher in New Zealand and began working in a nursery 2 years ago which sparked her passion for respectful care and the RIE philosophy.  Since having Kobe 6 months ago she has been privileged to put into practice all she’s learnt and is amazed everyday at Kobe’s attentiveness, confidence and grace

My daughter’s no slacker. Now a freshman at a top university, she’s always been a high achiever and managed to find balance and have a really good time. My two younger children, both busy, accomplished students, also seem to handle stress remarkably well.

Unfortunately, the results of recent research align with my daughter’s discovery in class.  According to a study reported on msnbc, “…five times as many high school and college students are dealing with anxiety and other mental health issues as youth of the same age who were studied in the Great Depression era. The findings, culled from responses to a popular psychological questionnaire used as far back as 1938, confirm what counselors on campuses nationwide have long suspected as more students struggle with the stresses of school and life in general.”

The question is, what to do about it?

I don’t claim to have the answer to helping overstressed college students, but I give credit for my children’s apparent immunity to the effects of stress to infant specialist Magda Gerber.  Through Magda I learned how to minimize stress beginning in the early, formative years. She also taught me that the real secret to raising children who stress less is nurturing their natural ability to cope with stress, process and offload it.

Here are some details…

Minimizing stress

1. Be responsive and communicative

Tune in and respond to babies. Observe sensitively and learn to interpret their cries and signals. Tell babies what you are doing with them (like picking them up) before you do it. Begin this two-way communication with babies at birth. Invite babies to participate in their care from the very beginning.  

2. Keep it simple, safe, peaceful, predictable, age appropriate

Becoming a parent is the best excuse you’ll ever have to slow down and simplify your life. Recognize that infants and toddlers are sensitive, absorbent and easily over-stimulated, unable to screen out stimulation the way their elders are. Less is more, safest and best.

“No matter how simple an environment is, a baby may be overwhelmed by too much stimulation,” Magda Gerber notes in Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect.  “Allow the infant to develop her biological rhythm first and then slowly ease the infant into to the life of the family.”

And since adults are far less sensitive to stimulation, overstimulation is not something we easily detect. “A infant or toddler’s wide-eyed stare may appear to be surprise or intense interest, but according to newborn infant specialist Dr. Kevin Nugent the child is in fact saying “back off”. “A slight turning away of the head, arched eyebrows and too-wide eyes are all signs that he is over-stimulated.” – “Know Your Baby“, The Irish Times

Children feel calmest, happiest and most confident when they can “get a handle on things”, when they know what to expect and comprehend the things they are exposed to. Consider your child’s readiness before asking her to participate in lessons and classes, going to shows, movies or amusement parks, etc. When in doubt, wait.

3. Protect the developing brain

I know this is a controversial and guilt-inducing subject, but I would love to change the mindset I hear about TV use for babies. Parents have been duped into believing that TV is the best or only way to get a break from caring for their children, and that following the guidelines of the AAP is difficult to impossible. The need for TV is not only a lie, it actually creates dependencies on passive entertainment that work against getting those breaks! Perhaps marketers are perpetuating this lie? Or friends and relatives who want you to do what they’re doing, a “safety in numbers” attitude.

If you want a child who can spend long hours entertaining herself (which will afford you many breaks and make you the envy of all your friends with children); and if you want your child to have the best chance of reaching her educational potential, be able to listen and retain what she learns and need to spend less time doing homework, studying for tests, stressing about school in general; then don’t turn on the TV for the first 2 to 3 years. It is much easier than you imagine. But once you begin using TV, it’s harder.

“I’m not saying that you should keep your child away from TV, but you need to know, it’s no different than putting them on drugs. It’s an effective, but not a harmless way to buy yourself a little peace and quiet.” –Teacher Tom, “Watching Television Is Relaxing”

“…research strongly indicates that [screen-viewing] has the potential to affect both the brain itself and related learning abilities.  Abilities to sustain attention independently, stick to problems actively, listen intelligently, read with understanding, and use language effectively may be particularly at risk.  No one knows how much exposure is necessary to make a difference”, notes brain researcher Dr. Jane Healy in Endangered Minds.

If I could share just one secret to raising stress-free learners, it would be to avoid screen use in the early years.

4. Enjoy “being” together rather than requesting performances

Allow your infants, toddlers and preschoolers to learn through play and encourage them to develop naturally at their individual pace. Follow your child’s lead when he plays rather than trying to direct or teach him. Only your child knows what he is ready to learn.

“Bruce McEwen, a neuroendocrinologist at the Rockefeller University, notes that asking children to handle material that their brain is not yet equipped for can cause frustration. Perceiving a lack of control is a major trigger of toxic stress, which can damage the hippocampus, a brain area crucial to learning and memory” -”The Death Of Preschool“, Scientific American

Enjoy your children’s company.  Let them be themselves. Give your children the empowering and comforting message through your interactions that they are “enough”.

5. Have an “all feelings allowed” attitude so that children feel their bright and dark sides wholly accepted and welcome. Then they don’t feel pressured to hide their feelings or be inauthentic in order to please us.

6. Provide the comfort and freedom of non-punitive boundaries

Although young children will seldom express this to us, it’s stressful and even frightening for them when they feel “in charge” and have the sense that they are calling the shots — that their parents will give in to avoid their disappointments and tantrums. Parents were created to be their children’s gentle, empathetic leaders.

Enabling children to relieve and manage stress

7. Encourage play as therapy

Cultivate the habit of uninterrupted, self-directed play so that your child has plenty of opportunities to benefit from play’s therapeutic value. (For more, please read: The Power Of Play Therapy.) As your child grows, continue to provide lots of downtime between activities. Value daydreams and puttering.

8. Encourage children to express feelings

Even young infants need to be listened to when they cry, allowed to release stress and offload their feelings. Contrary to conventional thought, there is not a magical age when this begins. It begins at the beginning.

“Respond to your baby by letting him know that you are there and that you care. First, do accept that you don’t understand instinctively what exactly makes your baby cry, nor what to do about it. Next, rather than responding mechanically with one of the usual routines of feeding or changing your baby, to stop the crying, try quietly talking to your baby. Remember, crying is a baby’s language – it is a way to express pain, anger, and sadness.  Acknowledge the emotions your baby is expressing. Let him know he has communicated.” –Magda Gerber

9. Encourage children to actively participate in coping with stress and conflict

Allow children to be problem solvers whenever possible, whether it be during conflicts with peers, while playing with toys, putting on clothes, or finding their thumb. Allow children opportunities to do the things they are capable of doing. I share more on this subject in The Truth About Infant Self-Soothing.

“We can look at life as a continuation of conflicts or problems. The more often we have mastered a minute difficulty, the more capable we feel the next time.” – Gerber

10. Trust and belief in your baby as a competent, inner-directed human being capable of making choices is the key to minimizing and processing stress.

An acquaintance once commented to me about my daughter, “Oh, you’re so lucky she’s self-motivated, you don’t have to push her.” As I nodded my head I thought to myself, “No, she’s self-motivated because we don’t push her.” And, thanks to Magda Gerber, that’s the way it has always been.

I’d love to hear your ideas for helping children deal with stress…

(Photo of my daughter was taken by her friend and I’m pretty sure that’s a phone, not a beer in her hand.)  

References (all of which I recommend):

“Watching Television is Relaxing” by Teacher Tom

“Students report more serious stress”, Children’s health on msnbc.com

“Babies And TV: New Media Use Guideline From The AAP” by  Alice Callahan, Ph.D., Science Of Mom

“The Death Of Preschool” by Paul Tullis, Scientific American

Endangered Minds -Why Children Don’t Think And What We Can Do About It by Jane M. Healy, PH.D.

Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect by Magda Gerber

“Know Your Baby” by Sheila Wayman, The Irish Times

I’m not a parent so my question has a different angle, but I was still hoping for your opinion and advice.

I work in a childcare centre where I am the primary caregiver of 5 infants and toddlers varying between the ages of 3 months and 2 years.

Our centre plans a trip once a year where all the children on our roll go on an excursion that fits with the current interests of the children (somewhat!). This year, our management has organized a trip to an underwater world called Kelley Tarltons. We will travel by bus and our journey will be approximately 45-60 minutes long, depending on traffic. The plan is then that we will be at the venue for 2 hours before eating lunch there and returning home.

I feel that this is far too stressful and over-stimulating for the children in my group and have discussed this with management. Two of the five children in my group have more than one sleep per day, and the rest of them usually go to sleep at around 11am. We would not return from our trip until 1.30-2pm!

It seems as though I am the only staff member on the team who thinks it is unnecessary for the children under the age of two to attend these big field trips. Whenever I bring it up, everyone says it’s only one day and tells me I’m being over the top about the infants’ and toddlers’ routines. They argue that children do this sort of thing all the time with their parents and families, and that they will be missing out if they do not attend.

Am I being over the top? What is your opinion on big outings for small children? I know it’s only one day, but if I could avoid one day of stress and unpleasantness in my life, I know I would!!

Thanks in advance, I hope this made sense,

Kind Regards
Helen

Dear Helen,

Oh. My. Gosh.

This makes no sense at all.  Helen, your instincts are absolutely spot on, and I’m stunned. If we were on the same continent you could see my jaw dropping. Infants and young toddlers taking a 5-hour group excursion for their own pleasure? So they won’t feel left out? What are these people thinking?

This, to me, is an unfortunate example of 1) childcare managers and professional caregivers without a clue about child development (evident beyond all doubt by their disregard for the perspective of the primary caregiver, the person who knows the children in her care best);  and 2) the tendency all of us have to project our adult point of view onto our infants and toddlers. It sounds fun and stimulating to us, so it must be a good idea. It’s easy to make this misjudgment with pre-verbal children.

Do these mistakes harm babies? Probably not — even if they create stress, discomfort and exhaustion. But what these developmentally inappropriate activities are almost certain to do is waste a child’s time, time the child could be spending engaging in self-initiated learning adventures, creating and imagining, feeling content, secure and confident in familiar surroundings, socializing, free to move and explore, empowered by knowing the routine.

When my children were infants and toddlers, I had the sense that they shrunk every time I took them on an outing. They seemed so big and capable at home, kings and queens of their domain, but once they went out into the larger world they became small, more passive and a little more helpless — as if their powers had suddenly been stripped away.  

Over-stimulation, unpredictability and the constant transitions that our infants and toddlers face on outings (going in and out of the car, the store, the restaurant, the bathroom, etc.), not to mention being restrained in seats for extended periods of time, are all fine in measured doses, but these are not the kinds of environments in which babies thrive and learn best.

Now, if we want to go somewhere or participate in an activity and need to include our infants and toddlers, that’s one thing… But what I’ve noticed over the years in myself and others is that we often forget to ask ourselves these questions: 1) “Who is this for?”; 2) “Are they really ready to actively participate in this experience, or would it be better to wait until they are a bit older?”; and 3) “Will this be more enriching than an afternoon dawdling in the backyard or a walk down the street?”  (Hindsight being 20/20, I often realized I’d miscalculated #3 after the fact.)

Helen, I truly hope you can convince your staff that a glimpse of some lovely sea creatures is not worth the ordeal this field trip will be for you and the children. Even a two year old will enjoy the experience far more a year from now.

But either way, I am so glad these babies are in your care.

Warmly,                                                                                                                                                                                                 Janet

In response (and I had included in my note to her a request to post our exchange), Helen wrote: 

Hi Janet

Thanks so much for your speedy reply! You have certainly helped to ease my mind – I was starting to doubt my feelings!! 

We are having a staff meeting next Monday and the trip will be on Friday so I’m really hoping I can make some changes for the sake of my little friends! 

I’d be more than happy for you to re post my email on your blog. You needn’t change any of the information as I can 100% say that nobody from work will be reading it! And if they did, I wouldn’t be worried! 

Thanks so much,                                                                                                                                                                                Helen

For more (and the flip side of this coin) please read: Toddler Readiness – The Beauty Of Waiting

(Photo “Stop! I Want To Get Off!” is by comedy_nose on Flickr.)

I recently learned about RIE when I read the book, “Respecting Babies“, by Ruth Anne Hammond.  I purchased the book because I’ve had a very difficult time with our second daughter, Julianna, who is now 5 1/2 months old.  We also have a 2 1/2 year old daughter, Cassidy, and I stay home with the two of them.  Julianna screamed inconsolably for many hours each day for the first few months of her life, which was very difficult for all of us, especially her sister Cassidy.  We’re not quite sure why – she was diagnosed with dyschezia, so we think it was probably the combination of stomach discomfort and overtiredness.  Although she’s gotten better as her digestive system has matured and she has learned to put herself to sleep, she still gets fussy throughout the day.

I enjoyed reading Ruth’s book and I’ve started putting Magda Gerber’s suggestions into action: slowing down, talking to Julianna as we do things, taking the mobile off the changing table and having her look at me while we change her diaper, etc.  I’m running into difficulty, however, when I try to let her play independently.  She will lie on a blanket and play with her toys for awhile (10 minutes or so), but then she seems to get bored and starts to scream until she is picked up.  The screaming upsets Cassidy, which is why it’s hard for me to let her cry for very long.  To tell the truth, it upsets me too.  I wish there were a video or some way to watch parents implement the RIE approach.  I watched the videos you posted on YouTube so I can see how happy babies can be when they are allowed to play independently.  I just need some help getting Julianna to that place.  My inclination is to let her cry for a few minutes to see if she’ll stop, but so far when I’ve tried that, it hasn’t worked.  She just cries harder.  Do you have any recommendations?

Thanks,                                                                                                                                                                                                                  CC

Dear CC,

I’m sorry to hear that you and Julianna have had such a rough start. I can empathize with spending months trying to comfort a screaming baby. My third child had terrible colic that would bother him in the late afternoons and kept him (well, both of us) up for hours in the middle of each night. I’m not familiar with dyschezia, but I learned through Magda Gerber that colicky infants are especially sensitive to overstimulation and really need that quiet environment, which isn’t always easy to provide when you have older children. The instinct we have to comfort digestive issues by nursing, rocking and distracting an infant often leads to over-stimulation and can make it harder for a baby to settle and sleep. 

After those first months my son grew out of his colic, and he is also one of the infants you saw in the videos playing joyfully at 4 months old. That’s because we placed him on his back on blankets indoors and outdoors to move and look around whenever he wasn’t eating, bathing, having his diaper changed, or needing snuggles. This was helpful for his colic, too, because being free to move his arms and legs in a peaceful setting helped ease his gas and relieve his stomach tension. If he fussed, we didn’t pick him up instantly, but talked him through it first, giving him the opportunity to self-soothe.

Julianna’s ten minutes of ‘self-directed play’ on the blanket is a good beginning. But I don’t believe (and neither would Magda Gerber) that she becomes bored.  Infants find so much to engage their interest in this new fascinating world that boredom is not part of their repertoire. Tiredness, discomfort from teething and digestive issues, and overstimulation definitely are. I just ‘graduated’ a group of five 2 to 2-1/2-year-olds. They have been playing in the same environment with the same basic toys each week for years, and they weren’t even CLOSE to becoming bored.

Of course the screaming upsets you and Cassidy! I wouldn’t leave Julianna crying and screaming during her playtime, or anytime. Before she escalates to screaming, try getting down on the floor close to her and soothing her, stroking her and talking to her about what is going on…”I hear you crying. Are you uncomfortable?” You could even lie down next to her. She might just need your reassurance and your company.  Sometimes, we give babies the impression that they only have our attention when they are picked up and held in our arms. Stay next to her while she is in on her back in an independent position and give her emotional support.

If she continues to complain, ask if she needs a break and would like to be picked up. Get in the habit of encouraging her to communicate with you, if you haven’t already. If she indicates a desire to be picked up, stay seated on the floor and hold her there with you. This is what we practice in the parent/infant classes. (Someday soon I will have more videos to demonstrate!) If she calms down you can let her know you will try placing her on the floor again.

When Cassidy is around, invite her sit on the floor with you and her sister. Encourage her involvement in this process. Let Julianna know that her floor time is not a time of abandonment, but a situation when she will have your quiet attention sometimes and her sister’s (probably much less quiet attention), too.  She’ll be increasingly fun to watch as she becomes more mobile and able to actively explore and invent play with the toys and objects that she chooses. When she becomes more accustomed to her play time, and is in her safe cordoned off play area, you’ll be able to say, “I’m going to do some work in the kitchen now, and I’ll be back in a few minutes”. She may cry for a moment, but will calm down soon (unless she is tired, hungry or uncomfortable) because she has learned that you will return. This is all about developing new habits…slowly and steadily.  Your patience will pay off.  Independent play is well worth the effort!

In my infant class yesterday, we observed an inspiring example of infant perseverance, independence and self-soothing. Six month old Josephine is just beginning to inch forward on her belly. She seemed to take interest in a wooden object a little more than a foot away from her. She moved a tiny bit towards it and then stopped, placed her head down on the rug and sucked her thumb. After a moment she lifted her head and inched forward a bit more, but then paused and rested again, took another thumb sucking break. She repeated this exactly a few more times, inching forward and then resting until she finally reached the toy, calm and comfortable all the while. Wow!

Our goal is not to force this independence, but to be open to recognizing all a baby is capable of doing on her own and to honor it. Please hang in there, and I hope you’ll keep me posted on your progress!

All the best,                                                                                                                                                                                  Janet

For more details about developing independent play, please read: Infant Play – Great Minds At Work, Tummy Time, Frustration And Trust, and Independent Infant Play – Make It Happen.

When I became a dad, however, while I was prepared for the ‘business’ of fatherhood, the experience was brand new.  Now I was in love with a baby, and everything really was a big deal. I could watch that child for hours, even as she slept. I couldn’t wait for her to wake up. I wanted to talk to her, bounce her on my knee, take her to restaurants, travel, and show her off to friends and relatives. And I did. I figured that exposing her to my wonderfully exciting world would help to socialize her, and she might become one of those impressively precocious, comfortable-with-adults kids that steal everyone’s attention at cocktail parties. So, of course it only made sense that my baby’s nap schedule should be adjusted to my work hours so I could enjoy quality time interacting with her. 

I bought my baby fantabulous toys made of vibrant colored plastics that I knew she would love once she learned to sit up and got that hand-eye thing working. These toys moved, talked, asked questions and gave answers.  I also loaded up on very cool videos made by companies with names like ‘Baby Genius’ and ‘Toddler Titans’. I was careful to read the descriptions and only chose titles that were educational. I wasn’t going to expose my baby to crap. 

My favorite purchase was a battery-operated 3-speed swing, an ingenious piece of mechanical child care equipment. I had seen these things in action. If your infant is crying and inconsolable, if it’s nap time, or if you just want a mental health break, you strap the kid in and set the thing on auto-pilot. Within seconds, the baby calms down. Soon, she gets that 10,000-yard, no-one’s-home stare. Eventually, the eyes roll back, the shades come down, and she’s dead to the world. Magnificent! 

I meant well. I had a lot of expectations (and fantasies) about my once and future relationship with my infant daughter and how I would manage it. Ultimately, I just wanted to be a good dad – active, fun, available, nurturing. I also wanted interaction and some reciprocal signals that she was as thrilled and adoring of me as I was of her.  When she was tiny and lacked the neck strength to do anything but stare at the ceiling, that meant getting in her face with stuffed animals or a whirly-jig to elicit a smile (I know — gas…). Propping her up seemed like a good idea, too – much easier to see her dad do the Doo Dah Dance – though her head usually sagged to one side at an impossible, really ugly angle. If she was bored (yes, I assumed an infant could be bored), I would sit her in my lap and flap her arms or lift them high above her head (“soooooo big….”). 

It was around this period in my daughter’s infancy that my wife met infant expert Magda Gerber.  I did not become a convert overnight. But after an initial struggle, then a period of tacit compliance to avoid domestic strife, I began to see the innate logic of Magda’s philosophy and insight. 

I got in the habit of announcing my intentions before handling my daughter. Our house was gradually cleared of DayGlo plastic and battery powered toys. (My daughter found other objects to fascinate over.) Oral pacifiers were trashed. (She located her thumb and learned to comfort herself.) I did not put her in high places she couldn’t reach by herself, most especially (and painfully) playground swings. 

And she was happy. Happy staring at the sky without a stuffed animal flying through her limited field of vision; happy manipulating a wooden block rather than building a skyscraper; happy to have me nearby observing rather than controlling her world with my own ideas of fun. 

Over time, it dawned on me that real quality time with my daughter meant quality for her, not entertainment for me.  I began expressing my love by practicing the selfless art of observation, sitting for hours simply watching and being available. The big ‘ah-ha’ was realizing that my presence was enough. I really wasn’t needed for much else, and by restraining my instinct to massage and control the moment, I was doing my daughter the greatest service of all – respecting her. 

As a new father, I believed my job was to prepare my daughter in body and spirit for the big bad world.  So, I followed my instincts – not always a good idea — which meant inserting myself into her world of playtime and daydreaming, doing for her what she could not do for herself. Or, more precisely, what she had not yet figured out for herself. Big difference. By interfering, I was virtually robbing her of the experiences of discovery and success — not the smartest way to encourage self-confidence in a child.  

So, I have come to believe that the very best any of us can do to love our kids is to nurture their instincts so they grow comfortable and confident in the world. But ‘nurturing’ is not as aggressively pro-active as I once thought. Actually, it is more akin to facilitating, allowing our perfect babies to develop through their own processes of discovery. In my case, this meant learning to butt out. And, to my utter amazement and great satisfaction, my daughter (and then her siblings) managed beautifully throughout their infancies and have continued to flourish — physically, mentally, emotionally – developing natural poise and confidence I could never have engineered.  Or nurtured. 

Ultimately, I learned to trust my babies and even coined my own adage: “Never turn down the opportunity to shut up, sit on your hands and observe.”  I think Magda would approve.

We don’t think twice about interrupting infants and toddlers, mostly because we don’t think to value what they are doing.  At the same time, we want our children to be learners and achievers. We want them to be able to listen patiently in the classroom and have the tenacity to solve difficult problems and pursue their dreams. We want ‘paying attention’ to come naturally, learning skills to come joyfully and easily. The first years of life are formative for developing focus and concentration. 

Here are 7 ways to foster a long attention span: 

1)      Minimal entertainment and stimulation. Babies are creatures of habit and can become accustomed to expect entertainment rather than doing what comes naturally — occupying themselves with their surroundings. Constant stimulation leads to an exhausted parent and an easily bored, over-stimulated child. Infant expert Magda Gerber taught that babies do not naturally become bored.  Parents do. Babies are entranced by the way their bodies can move, and the sights, sounds, smells, nooks and crannies of life that we adults take for granted. They need uninterrupted time to experience those things and assimilate them.  

2)      No TV or videos. TV and videos are the most drastic way to undermine your child’s developing attention span because they engage and overwhelm a child’s attention rather than encouraging the child to actively flex his focus muscle. Imagine the powerful pull of the TV screen in a restaurant. You can be sitting with the most fascinating people in the world, and still you find your eyes drawn to the damn TV.  (For an in-depth study on the TV issue, I highly recommend Endangered Minds: Why Children Don’t Think - And What We Can Do About It, by Jane M. Healy, Ph.D.)

3)      A safe, cozy “YES” place. In order to remain occupied for extended periods of time, a baby must have a safe place. This can begin with a bassinet or crib, and grow with the baby to be a playpen, and finally a cordoned-off or gated play area. A too large area where there are unsafe objects available to a child is not the relaxed environment the baby needs for extensive concentration. Babies cannot play for long periods of time when they are distracted by the tension of parents worried about safety and the interruption of “NOs”. 

4)      Simple, open-ended toys and objects. Unless distracted, babies are inclined to examine every inch of a simple object, like the pattern on a cloth napkin, and then experiment, i.e. wave it, mouth it, place it over their faces, and scrunch it into a ball. They are apt to tire of, or become over-stimulated by objects that they either cannot comprehend (like rattles and other mysterious noisemakers) or toys that they passively watch, listen to, and have a single function: like musical mobiles or wind-up toys. Those toys grab the child’s attention rather than strengthening his ability to actively focus and investigate, similar to the way TV and videos do. 

5)      Observe. And don’t interrupt. Observing the way our babies choose to spend their time makes us realize that they are not just lying there, but actually doing something. That something might be gazing towards a window, at the ceiling fan, or grasping at dust particles in the sunlight. Every time we interrupt our baby’s musings we discourage his concentration. When we observe we can see when there is a break in the action, i.e. the baby averts his gaze from the wiffle ball he was prodding with his fingers and turns to look at us. We can then ask to pick him up for a diaper change without diverting his attention and interfering with his train of thought. 

6)      Baby gets to choose. Simple fact: children are more interested in the things they choose than the things we choose for them. Therefore, allowing a baby to choose what to do in his play environment rather than directing him to our choice of activity (a learning game, puzzle or flash card) will better engage his interest, focus and heightened concentration.  Children who are given plenty of opportunities to focus for extended periods of time on activities they choose are better able to pay attention in situations later (like school) where activities are adult-prescribed. 

7)      Don’t encourage distraction. It is common practice to distract a baby with a toy on the changing table to “get the job done.” But this trains babies to NOT pay attention. Diaper changes, baths, and feedings are not dull, unpleasant chores for babies.   Babies are interested in all aspects of their lives. They want to be included in each step of a task that involves them and be invited to participate as much as they are able. When we teach a baby that he should not pay attention to activities he’s an integral part of, how do we then expect him to develop a healthy attention span? 

The ability to spend extended periods of time delving deeply, seeking greater understanding of an object or situation, can be developed and strengthened like a muscle. I don’t pretend to be a PhD, but common sense tells me that a home environment conducive to focus and attention can have a positive impact on – and maybe even prevent — some attention deficit disorders. 

Focus is power. A long attention span is essential for creative, athletic and academic achievement. Attentive listeners make the best friends, spouses and parents. 

So next time you check on your baby, tiptoe in and peek before saying, “Hello.” Babies relish their “flow” time, too. 

The video below (also posted in Infant Play – Great Minds At Work) demonstrates the positive effect that uninterrupted infant play can have on a child’s focus and attention span at age 2.

Every parent experiences days from hell when a baby cries incessantly or a toddler has an interminable meltdown.  All we want is to calm our child by any means necessary, but it’s impossible. In that moment, it is difficult to feel like a successful parent.  My secret — perspective. (I know.  I hear your groan.  But stay with me here!) 

What I have learned is that these frustrating, demoralizing episodes are actually prime parenting days. When we allow a child to have tantrums and release feelings, we are not failing.  In fact, we are ‘knocking one out of the park.’ With a little perspective, it’s easier to see it that way.  

Crying may come from the chronic discomfort of infant colic, teething, or as the aftermath of an exhausting, over-stimulating day.  A toddler’s tantrum may seem to us like an overreaction when we say, for example, “I can’t let you play outside right now,” but that is because it carries the baggage of a host of toddler preverbal frustrations. Life can be stressful for all of us, and sometimes we all need a good cry. 

The expression of feelings is vital to emotional health. When we use rocking, bouncing, ‘shushing,’ pacifiers and other distractions to quiet a baby, and when we give in to a toddler’s demands or threaten to punish to discourage his outbursts, then the child does not have the opportunity to freely release his feelings. Worse, he receives the message in our well-meaning “don’t cries” that some of his feelings (parts of who he is) are unacceptable to us.  

When we are certain that a child’s basic needs have been met, all that is left for us to do when he cries is listen, acknowledge his feelings, and give calm support.   It is not easy, but it is the way a baby, toddler, teenager, spouse or dear friend would wish to be treated.  We don’t want our feelings to be ‘fixed.’  We want them to be heard.

One of my favorite Magda Gerber mantras was, “We are putting the therapists out of business.” When children cried in her classes, she often reassured the parent by saying, with a twinkle in her eyes, “Now they won’t have to go to primal scream therapy when they are older.” 

So, like Magda, when parents in my classes express alarm at a child’s tearful reaction to a bump or fall, the setting of limits, or a struggle to achieve a new skill, I gently remind them of all the future psychotherapy bills they may be avoiding.  And when, minutes later, the child finishes crying, leaves his parent’s arms and returns to exploring, refreshed and renewed, I congratulate the parent for weathering another storm.  

My magic secret for parents is the knowledge that our hardest days are also our most successful ones.  Bravely enduring our loved one’s cries to invest in his long-term emotional health is reason to celebrate.   And if it sometimes seems impossible to find cheer at the end of a fiercely bad day, never underestimate the benefit of a parent’s good, long cry. (And congratulate yourself for allowing it.)

First, the good news: According to a recent article in the New York Times, “Disney Expands Refunds on ‘Baby Einstein’ DVDs,” The Walt Disney Company is widely refunding users of its ”Baby Einstein” videos in response to challenges about the legitimacy of its educational claims. For years the “Baby Einstein” packaging included assertions that the videos would encourage language development, even “[teach] words to babies under 2 years old.”

The hero in this case is The Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, a Boston-based advocacy group that brought the DVD’s bogus claims to the Federal Trade Commission in 2006. It has been fighting ever since to take “Baby Einstein” to task for misleading consumers with false advertising on the product’s packaging and web site. Under FTC scrutiny and the added pressure of a threatened class-action suit, the company removed certain wording from the packaging asserting that the DVD has some positive effect on a baby’s development.

Obviously, these claims are not — nor have they ever have been — supported by scientific research. In fact, studies conclude the opposite: increased TV and video watching is linked to delayed language skills and learning disorders (not to mention obesity). Most parents are now aware that The American Academy of Pediatrics (a really smart group) warns against any media for children under the age of 2. Of course, this is “Baby Einstein’s” target audience.

Now for the bad news: recent studies show that decades of warnings against TV and video viewing for babies have had little effect on parents. A recent article in the Los Angeles Times entitled “Kids’ Eyes are Glued to TV” also covers the “Baby Einstein” marketing scam and reports grim findings: “The amount of television usage by children (has) reached an eight-year high…”

Why are parents hooked on getting kids hooked on TV? In the many papers I have read, experts assign guilt to parents without providing solutions. Studies that poll parents have found that the majority of those who expose babies to TV know they are compromising their child’s optimum health, but they see no other choice to get chores done or take a break. So, unfortunately, one can only conclude that parents would rather feel guilt about the way they are raising a child than feel trapped by a child who they believe cannot occupy himself.

Experts offer vague directives like, “Children should be playing outdoors. Watch TV with your kids. Read to your children. ” In the L.A. Times article, Susan Linn, psychologist and director of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, clarifies the problem. “If we start children early in life on a steady diet of screen time and electronic toys, they don’t develop the resources to generate their own amusement, so they become dependent on screens.”

Bingo. But none of this information is particularly helpful, because it does not offer any specific alternative to giving a baby passive entertainment when the parents need a well-deserved break. No question, parents need breaks, and the last thing they need is guilt. But no one tells us how not to resort to TV. To my knowledge, no one other than infant expert Magda Gerber offers a viable plan to solve the TV issue. And while Magda Gerber’s non-profit organization (RIE) cannot compete with “Baby Einstein” when it comes to marketing dollars, Gerber’s approach to child care is the real genius.

Picture this: our week old baby is on the changing table after a diaper change. He is looking at the ceiling, calmly and quietly. He is content. Instead of picking him up because we’re done and want to move on, we wait and watch. Five minutes go by before he looks toward us. We then say, “Okay, now I will pick you up.” Our son has just enjoyed his first session of uninterrupted play time, and he has given us a non-verbal signal that he is ready to move on.

The key to guilt-free breaks: never interrupt a contented baby.

If we place our baby on his back in his safe bed or playpen so he is free to move, and if we resist the temptation to entertain him (which will over-stimulate him anyway, and wear us out), we can then relax, observe or take short breaks away from the baby while he takes in his immediate world. This personal ‘play time,’ a time when the baby may ponder a shadow on the wall or a solution to world hunger (to be shared in a dissertation years later), will begin with a few minutes here and there, and will later extend to long periods of learning, exploration and fantasy play as the infant develops.

An infant’s uninterrupted play time must be balanced with plenty of intimate one-on-one time with loved ones, and Magda Gerber encourages parents to provide focused togetherness each day while mutually accomplishing chores like diapering, feeding, and bathing. When we take advantage of these activities, rather than rushing through them to make way for ‘playtime,’ and when we give our baby undivided attention, slow down, and invite the baby to participate as much as possible, then both parent and child are refueled by the shared experience. A child who receives a parent’s full attention several times a day can then spend hours happily occupied with independent play, and give parents time for breaks.

Volumes could be written on the rewards of self-directed play and also on the dangers of television, and I will address those subjects in future posts. But what parents must understand is that early exposure to media and other passive entertainment will immediately undermine a child’s innate ability to create play on his own and will perpetuate the very problem the parent is attempting to solve: a child who cannot occupy himself. Children are creatures of habit, and they quickly become used to a life of passivity when we expose them to media. TV and videos are harmful to a baby, period. There are no benefits.

TV and videos are a passive experience for an infant. They do not ‘learn’ from them because they do not understand them. The only way an infant does gain knowledge is by exploring the world around him with all his senses, in his own way and in his own time. This is active learning, and it is as simple as having the freedom to look around a room or examine his fingers and toes. Compare this to being strapped in a booster seat, mesmerized by meaningless words and images cascading from TV set. Surely, no sane or educated person could claim this as ‘educational’.

When we know and embrace a better plan, one that facilitates (rather than thwarts) our baby’s innate potential to explore, examine, create, imagine, solve problems and develop a long attention span for the rest of his life, we feel pride instead of guilt. Children want to actively absorb life — not pictures of life — from the moment they are born. The real baby Einstein would have known that.

3/11/10, Informative update on Disney and the CCFC HERE

(The hidden benefit to this is that my husband now prefers to get-it-and-go himself, rather than waiting an hour at home for me to return with the family’s groceries.) I don’t even attempt Cosco anymore. I appreciate the convenience of the gigantic store that has everything, but my temperament is better suited to a simpler time long ago (or a more European shopping experience) when one purchased items individually from the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker.

In a recent Parent/Infant Class a parent asked me about taking a baby on errands. The mother said that her son objected to being placed in the stroller and wouldn’t sit in the little seat in the supermarket grocery cart. It’s not surprising that an infant or toddler dislikes accompanying mom or dad as they rush around doing errands. Babies are eager to move their bodies freely, and participate actively in life. It’s not a baby’s dream to get in and out of a car seat, and then tag along with parents through a blur of faces, sights, sounds and smells. Sometimes, even though it is inconvenient, an infant feels more included when he is held rather than strapped into a seat or carrier.

There will be times when it’s impossible for a tired baby to tolerate a restaurant, shopping trip or other outing. If a baby or child of any age is having a complete meltdown in public, the parents should stop what they are doing and take the child home. This is not only out of politeness to others, it is the kind and thoughtful way to handle someone who is upset. I have left a few full grocery cartloads in the market over the years.

Infant expert Magda Gerber emphasized the importance of a baby’s participation in daily activities like diapering, feeding and bathing. Slowing down to include a child in the tasks that involve him, rather than distracting with a toy, pacifier or food while we hurriedly get the job done, transforms each chore into an intimate learning experience. The child learns language in a pertinent way with all his senses, “Here’s the yellow washcloth. Would you like to dip it in the warm water?” He also gains confidence as he learns that his cooperation is valued. Rather than being expected to ignore the mysterious things being done to him while he shakes a rattle, he’s encouraged to participate in a mutual experience with another person. A nurturing relationship rooted in respect blooms between caregiver and child.

A young child has little opportunity to participate in a trip to the market or post office, but if we have no choice but to bring the baby along, I believe in making a concerted effort to stop and smell the roses. We do this when we slow down, adjust our perspective and see the world through our child’s eyes.  Rather than focusing on “making it work” by pacifying and directing our baby every minute, we let go of our agenda a little and share in the wonder of learning, imagining our child’s thoughts and responding more than dictating.

Let’s imagine we are in the supermarket. Instead of ignoring our baby as we rush around, or placating him with a box of cereal and saying, “Look at the cool Leprechaun…hold this,” we take note that our baby is staring at a bounteous stack of oranges in the produce section. We wait while he takes in the view. If he’s still staring we might say, “You are looking at the oranges. Would you like to touch an orange?”

Sometimes we find a new appreciation for life when we slow down. Adults are used to hurrying. A child teaches us to downshift, and take in all that surrounds us in a new way. When my children were little there were countless times that I stopped and asked myself, “Why am I rushing?” Most of the time it was just a habit of expedience, and my children would then inspire me to stop and enjoy.

When my second daughter was 3 and 4 she loved to weigh produce in the market. I was impatient with her desires at times, but in retrospect I realize that she was giving herself math and science lessons as she noted the weights of the cantaloupe and the bag of broccoli.

Our children’s fascinations may surprise us, but when possible we should try to accommodate their interests. A mother in my Parent/Toddler Class shared an ‘aha’ moment. Carrie had been out running errands with her toddler, Angus. Angus began to get grumpy. Carrie had the idea that she could cheer him by introducing him to horses at a nearby stable. When they exited the car, Angus noticed a gravel walkway. He was intrigued with the pebbles and squatted down to examine them. Carrie, still in rush-mode, could not wait to show him the horses. She fidgeted impatiently for a minute. Then, when she was just about to call to him to follow her, she stopped. “Who is this about?” she asked herself. “Angus is content pursuing his interests. I came here for him. I’m the one who is anxious to move on to the horses.” She decided to allow Angus to linger as long as he wished. As she began to relax, she realized that the other items on her agenda could be postponed until another day. Several minutes later they took a walk to the stables and Angus saw his first horse, the sight of which excited him almost as much as the pebbles.

When I have the choice, I would much rather zip around alone to take care of errands. But when my children are with me, I try to take full advantage of their presence. I gain insights about my children when I observe their interests. I slow down and open my mind to an unbiased, innocent, ‘in the moment’ view of life. It feeds my soul.

I had a CD by Coldplay on and the song “Swallowed in the Sea” began. After a minute, my son exclaimed wistfully, “This is such a good song!” I reached my hand back to hold onto his. The romance of the moment trumped my usually stringent hands-on-the-wheel focus on safety. My boy and I listened, and time stood still as we shared transcendent bliss. It is a good song.

Just as music can have a powerful effect on adults, children, ultra-sensitive beings that they are, can be influenced profoundly by music, too. Parents wonder, “How should I expose my child to music? Do I need to teach my baby to love music?”

Music classes have become a popular type of  ‘mommy and me’ group.  Now, please don’t get me wrong…I’m all for parents finding groups where they can socialize with their babies or just get out of the house. Those are good enough reasons to join any group. But I don’t think babies need music instruction, or that they will learn rhythm better and earlier when their tiny feet are held, legs bicycled to the music.

I spoke to a woman who has administrated an infant music program for many years. She truly believes that the children whose legs she “moves to the beat” have a head start in music education. I find this extremely hard to swallow. Did Elvis’s mom bicycle his baby legs? Did she swivel his hips?

Katherine and her wonderful ten-month-old boy, Leo, are adjusting to the mellow environment of one of the RIE parent/infant classes. Leo is easily overwhelmed by the presence of the adults and the other infants; he will suddenly look around and cry, especially if the adults talk too much, or if a child approaches too closely. Katherine believes he was disturbed by the baby music class she had taken him to a few times, and that his experience in the class has made him wary of a group situation.

Katherine said that a musical instrument, for example: a tambourine or a set of maracas would be placed in Leo’s hands and he was expected to play it along with a song. Then a few minutes later, when he was just beginning to take interest in the instrument, it was snatched away. A new instrument would then be placed in Leo’s hands for the next song.

There are problems with this kind of instruction for babies. First, the child is not allowed to make choices. The adults decide what the baby should find interest in and then he is expected to perform. Secondly, the child’s innate desire to explore is curtailed.  By interrupting the child while he is still demonstrating interest in an instrument (or any object), we discourage focus and long attention span. Thirdly, and I think most disruptive for Leo, was overstimulation and the unpredictability of his surroundings. Babies find comfort in knowing what will happen next in a situation, and can be sensitive to surprises or sudden changes.

We can trust a child’s relationship with music to evolve naturally. Babies are tuned into the sounds of birds, the hum of insects, or the howling of dogs. They make rhythmic noises in the parent/infant classes by touching stainless steel bowls together or tapping a wooden block onto a large water bottle. They also make a variety of vocal sounds and enjoy imitating and echoing each other.  Infants and toddlers discover these sounds on their own and then quickly figure out how they are made.  Then they might experiment with changes of tone, beat and volume.  These are the kinds of active, participatory, self-initiated learning experiences that are most beneficial to babies.

Slightly less participatory is an instrument like a tambourine. A child only has to shake a tambourine to hear a tinkly clang, but he is still able to touch and understand the source of the sound– the mini cymbals. Older toddlers, age two and up, may be ready to explore more ‘mysterious’ instruments like kazoos, harmonicas, rain sticks, table harps and keyboards, all of which have the adult benefit of being easy on the ear.

A child cannot participate in creating the sounds emitted from a music box or CD player, but because music activates the imagination, transports us, relaxes us and elevates our mood, the child’s experience is not passive. Parents often use music as part of a bedtime ritual. (I chose to impose my singing voice on my poor children instead.)

Music can make a difficult day more tolerable for a parent. And parents need only play the music they like to hear; they should never feel pressured to play music because an baby ‘needs’ it.

Babies are sensitive to rhythm and beat and are often inspired to dance. Many of us have stories of our infants and toddlers grooving to music.   But no, they don’t need baby dance class!  There is plenty of time for instrumental, voice or dance lessons when a child is older and may be compelled toward a particular music form or instrument.  And the best way to gauge readiness for lessons is when a child repeatedly initiates a request for them.

We risk hindering our child’s musical development and his appreciation of music when we push it.  But when allowed to orchestrate his own musical education by exploring sounds he can create and enjoying sounds that surround him, our baby stays in harmony with the music of his heart.

Here’s some music that has created magical moments for my children and me:

• Ladysmith Black Mambazo—or as my children called it, “the African music.”
• Raffi
• Wee Sing—Around the World and Fun n’ Folk.
• Our Time in Eden by 10,000 Maniacs
• Peter and Wendy by Johnny Cunningham
• Beauty and the Beast—the original Broadway soundtrack
• X & Y–Coldplay

Please share yours!