I hear (or read) statements like Mama Birth’s all the time.  It doesn’t matter what school of child care thought or the specifics of the discussion, someone always concludes “there isn’t a method that can work for every child because each baby is unique.”  And that usually ends the discussion.

Although I couldn’t agree more about each child being unique, I disagree about there not being a universal, one-size-fits-all child care approach — because I know one. It’s summed up perfectly by RIE Associate Elizabeth Memel when she welcomes new parents to her Parent/Infant Guidance Classes: “I’m not your teacher — your child is your teacher.” (Wish I’d said that.)

Our unique babies are the only people on the planet who can teach us all we need to know about raising them. So one-size-fits-all parenting is about learning how to become better students. Here’s infant expert Magda Gerber‘s foolproof way to do that…

1. Trust

We need a basic trust in our babies as capable communicators and initiators — fully human and active participants in life. The expression “seeing is believing” has to be reversed. Young children, especially the most immobile, pre-verbal ones can’t show and tell us unless we believe they can and give them room.

2. Observe

Sensitive observation, focused attention, really taking the child in without interference is the key to understanding babies and responding appropriately. Through observation we can detect everything from the early stages of tiredness (and be able to prepare children for sleep ahead of the curve) to what they might be learning while they play, when not to interrupt.  Magda Gerber’s story illustrates…

“Once many years ago, I saw an infant lying on the floor who was trying to catch something in a very dreamy, beautiful way. I didn’t see anything, but I knew that the child saw something. Only as I walked around did I realize that the dust in the air was creating a rainbow, and that’s what the child saw. That experience stayed with me as a symbolic reminder, so that now when people do things, I want to say, “That child may just see the rainbow — don’t interrupt. Wait.”

(from Dear Parent, Caring For Infants With Respect)

This story is also about trust, trusting that our baby’s choice of activity has value and is “enough”.

3. Listen

If I had it to do over, I’d definitely try the Dunstan method for decoding baby language…it fascinates me! I know, I know, someone’s bound to tell me it doesn’t work for every baby. But listening does. True listening means finding the strength to hear babies when they cry, since that’s the way they communicate a variety of needs and feelings. It means making the effort to understand before responding, especially when those responses mean placing something in the baby’s mouth, because that discourages further communication.

Lu Hanessian (from Parent2ParentU) provided a vivid illustration recently when she suggested substituting the word ‘communicate’ for ‘cry’.  And yet, there are experts who will tell you not to let your baby ‘communicate’.

When our goal is to prevent babies from crying, we end up assuming needs, doing well-intentioned but misdirected things like feeding them when they’re tired or playing with them when they’re over-stimulated.  Observe and listen. Really listen. Your baby is listening to you, and she deserves the same respect.

Keeping the lines of communication open becomes even more vital as our children grow. These lines are delicate. They can easily become blocked and even “downed” when we routinely ignore or respond judgmentally to our baby’s cries; lose patience with our toddler’s tendency toward overreaction; or say just about anything to our teenagers (!).

This lesson was brought home recently when my husband and I went through a rough patch with one of our children. We were alarmed and confused as to how to handle it, seriously doubted ourselves.  Once again, the answer turned out to be listening and trusting our daughter to know herself.  (Thank you, Magda, for guidance that keeps on giving!)

4.  Talk, long before they do

Encourage communication by talking to children respectfully.  Tell infants and toddlers before you pick them up (better yet, ask first). Show children through your actions and words that you want them to communicate with you. Let them know you understand what they’ve communicated and they’ll keep letting you in.

5. Slow down

Tuning in to young children is impossible without slowing down to their speed.

6. Get outside!

Moving your life outdoors as much as possible has nothing specific to do with learning about babies, but communing with nature is a one-size-fits-all, foolproof ticket to enjoying life and parenting.

Here’s inspiration… Observe this 6 month old baby’s discovery. Listen to his joy. Trust that his inner-directed activity is not only enough, it’s just perfect. (This is a 30 second snippet from a long, uninterrupted play period.)

And that reminds me of another thing…

7. Revere play

Do you have foolproof parenting ideas to share?

(Thanks so much to Kerry and Kobe for this enchanting video!)

(Photo by Brianfit on Flickr)

As is often the case, the truth isn’t black or white. When a sensitive, responsive parent or caregiver is open to allowing self-soothing, supporting it, but does not force, demand, expect or abandon their baby to do it, the result is healthy and productive. Affording babies the bit of room they need to help them develop their individual coping strategies in our presence is a loving, mindful practice.

Supporting a baby to self-soothe can mean listening to her complaints for a minute or two while she finds her thumb, rather than immediately giving her a pacifier. It can be about remembering to offer two teethers and allowing the baby to choose one and grasp it herself rather than automatically placing something in her mouth. It might mean allowing our baby to cry in our arms to release her feelings at bedtime instead of rocking, patting, or jiggling her, etc., as explained in “Helping Young Children Sleep” from Hand-in-Hand parenting: 

“Children’s systems are built to offload feelings of upset immediately and vigorously. But our training as parents is to stop them from offloading their feelings! We are taught to give them pacifiers, food, rocking, patting, scolding, and later, time outs and spanking, if the crying or screaming goes on for more than a minute. We are taught to work against the child’s own healthy instinct to get rid of bad feelings immediately. So our children store these upsets, and try many times a day to work them out, usually by testing limits or having meltdowns over small issues. If they can’t offload them during the day, the feelings bother them in the night” – Patty Wipfler

Staying open to the possibility of self-soothing allows babies to actively take part in their care to the best of their ability. As Magda Gerber writes in Dear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect, “Infancy is a time of great dependence. However, babies should be allowed to do some things for themselves from the very beginning.” This empowers our children and ultimately makes our job easier.

In “Helping Children Learn To Take On Challenges” a story from her book Mind in the Making, Ellen Galinsky shares findings from studies of pre-term infants (born 10 to 12 weeks before their due date) in neonatal intensive care. When the nurses and doctors took charge of the babies’ care without taking the time to read their cues or allow them to actively participate, the researcher, Heidelise Als of Harvard University, noted, “It seemed we were wasting a lot of the baby’s energies that were very precious.”

As Galinsky explains, “When a baby who was initially feisty gave in, the medical charts would record that the baby had become well adjusted. But Als saw a different reality: “The baby had given up. The baby just let the world happen.”

“After documenting and recording behavior, they launched into a study where the nurses “read” and then responded to the baby’s behavior in ways that built on that baby’s coping strategies, and thus gave the baby more control. The results of this experiment were impressive. There was reduced severity of chronic lung disease in these premature babies, improved brain functioning, improved growth and earlier release from the hospital. In addition, their care was significantly less costly,” notes Galinsky.

She then concludes: “Children, even those as young as premature infants, are less prone to the harmful effects of stress when they are supported in managing their own stress by being helped to use the strategies they have for coping and for calming down.”

So, how do we understand and enable a child’s natural ability to self-soothe?

1. Believe babies are competent and capable whole people. Experts who have dedicated their lives to studying infants, Magda Gerber, Dr. Kevin Nugent, and Alison Gopnik, to name a few, have concluded without reservation that even newborn babies are aware, competent, unique individuals.

A recent article in The Irish Times shares passages from Dr Nugent’s new guidebook for helping parents decode newborn communication: “A baby’s “remarkable ability” to get his hand or fist into his mouth -even when he is not hungry – is no random movement. He may do it when he is upset and then settle himself by sucking on it, enabling him to remain alert and examine his surroundings. By this simple act, “your baby is showing you how competent he is and how, even in these early days, the urge to explore his new world is paramount”.

Trust your baby’s competence. She wants to do things for herself, and she can do things for herself. –Gerber

2. Be an observer. Tune in. Learn about your baby. Familiarize yourself with your baby’s individual strengths and vulnerabilities. Try to read her cues and respond accordingly as best you can.

The role of a parent is to continuously assess whether the infant is capable of handling a situation.  For instance, when an infant looks at an object (or maybe reaches for it), many adults rush to hand the object to the infant – not realizing that, by doing so, they deprive the infant of acting spontaneously and learning from his own actions.  …You also know that sometimes your infant does need help, but try to provide just that little amount of help that allows the child to take over again. Let her be the initiator and problem solver. -Gerber

3. Wait. Therein lies the challenge. As singer songwriter Tom Petty said, “The waiting is the hardest part”, and that couldn’t be truer than it is while waiting for a baby as she attempts to soothe herself.

Here’s a video of 4 month old Joey self-soothing, shared with me by her parents, whom I know to be sensitive, responsive and loving. Joey is a happy, securely attached toddler now. (There is a video of her at 15 months in A Creative Alternative To Baby TV Time.) I had planned to edit this video for time, but then realized that leaving it at 2 minutes made it feel more like real time – and just as uncomfortable to watch as it would be in real life. When our babies experience even the slightest frustration or discomfort, seconds can feel like hours (and no matter how old they are it doesn’t get easier!).

As I say so often, “Observe and wait.” Sometimes you may even find out that what you believed the infant wanted was only your assumption.  It is natural to make mistakes and easy to misunderstand pre-verbal children. Nevertheless, it is important to keep trying –Magda Gerber.

Being sensitive to the possibility of self-soothing is the beginning of believing in your baby.

Whether you agree or disagree, I’d love to hear your thoughts…

References (all of which I recommend):

“Helping Children Learn To Take On Challenges”, by Ellen Galinsky, Mind in the Making

“Helping Young Children Sleep”, by Patty Wipfler, Hand in Hand Parenting

Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect, by Magda Gerber

“Know Your Baby“, by Sheila Wayman, The Irish Times

“Your Baby Is Speaking To You“, by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

Get over it
Get over it
All this whinin’ and cryin’ and pitchin’ a fit
Get over it, get over it

I struggled to maintain an impassive expression, which was especially difficult knowing that this mom is also a psychologist and school counselor.

I’m sure this family’s intentions were good, and I can certainly relate to wanting a child’s emotional outbursts to end as soon as possible. But my heart hurt imagining this child’s experience as his feelings were ridiculed, invalidated, erased. Should children have to ‘snap out of it’, smile and laugh to please their parents when they feel like crying or yelling?

“I may be overly sensitive, but it even bothers me when I see an adult smiling at a crying, upset or sad child. Why do we want to manipulate young children’s moods and feelings?” -Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect

Confusion, invalidation, disrespect

Children need our empathy, acceptance, and comfort when they are upset. Even in infancy, our children have a deep need to know that their feelings are legitimate and that expressing them is okay with us. Smiling, laughing, tickling, or telling children they’re okay when they cry might seem more benevolent than reacting angrily or telling them to be quiet, but the message is the same: You shouldn’t be upset. Your feelings aren’t valid or acceptable. A child can’t help but feel his feelings, so he’s left with the sense that there’s something wrong…with him.

A young child’s outbursts may appear to be unreasonable or an overreaction. Still, I’ve learned that we must do all we can to remain patient and let these waves of emotion pass. Feelings are just feelings, and they don’t always make sense. If we make the effort to acknowledge all the hard feelings and also to understand them, we help our child to understand them, too. The child feels unequivocally loved and supported in the process. “You really wanted the blue cup, and I only have the white one. I see how disappointed you are.”

“Sadness, discomfort, frustration – they are all valid human emotions.  Why would we want to suppress them?” –Magda Gerber

Chasing happiness with inauthenticity

I’ve never met a parent who doesn’t have the instinct to please his or her children. Most of us want to do whatever it takes to make our kids happy. This is a great instinct, except when it leads us to faking our own happiness, stifling or indulging a child to avoid hearing her cries and objections, or neglecting opportunities to provide the behavior boundaries a child desperately needs.  When our priority is to ‘keep ‘em smiling’ at all costs, we don’t help ourselves or our children in the long term.

A parent in my class was confused about advice she heard: “Play with your toddler when she throws her cup from the table, she’s signaling the need for a game of catch”.  Seriously? As much as I love to play, I can’t imagine anything less appealing than trying to manufacture fun and playfulness when I’m not feeling it. I strongly disagree with this kind of advice and here’s why…

1. Modeling honesty

We are the most powerful models our children will ever have, and authenticity has to run both ways. Children read our subtext a mile away. We may be smiling and playing games, but they always know when we’re really annoyed, bored, or angry. Imagine how confusing and disconcerting it is for children to receive this dual message (not to mention how exhausting “keeping the party going” is for us).

“Accept the feelings of your baby, positive as well as negative. And allow your child to learn about you.  Be genuine and honest in your interactions.  You do not need to put on a sweet smile when you are awakened in the middle of the night. You are sleepy, so act sleepy.” –Magda Gerber

2. Children need answers

Children testing limits deserve a calm, direct and honest response and a little instruction. Toddlers don’t want to be an annoyance to us. But they have to keep testing until they know for certain what we expect them to do or not do. As I suggest in 5 Reasons Toddlers Don’t Need Redirection (And What Do To Instead), when we avoid confronting these requests and instead distract our child or turn limit setting into a game, the child’s challenging (but healthy!) need for boundaries is not being met. As a result, toddler testing might continue into the 3’s, 4’s and 5’s. Don’t underestimate a toddler’s ability to understand or cope with a truthful response. They need honest interactions with us from the start.

3. Confession…

Children perceive our inauthentic responses as dismissive and uncaring. How do I know? I’m embarrassed to say that I have the habit of covering my own inattention and other awkward moments with unconscious laughter. My 9 year old son has been calling me on it lately. Just the other day, he asked me something while I was writing and I tittered, not having listened to him, and he scolded me. When I asked him, genuinely curious, why my fake laugh bothered him he answered, “It’s like you don’t care at all.” I was chagrined, but it made total sense. The nice thing about 9 year olds is that they can tell you what they’re thinking. Infants and toddlers can’t.

Smile!

I remember everyone, even random strangers, chanting “smile!” at me when I was young. It was well-intentioned, but it was annoying having to perform to please everyone when I didn’t happen to feel like smiling. The worst was “Smile! You’re so much prettier that way!” Must I appear to be happy all the time…and pretty, too? Can’t you like me as I am? What’s so great about a smile, anyway, if it doesn’t come from within?

Magda Gerber believed passionately in nurturing authenticity, inner-directedness, and honest relationships between parents and children. Few child care experts have been as outspoken about these things, especially in regard to infancy.  She was a model of the approach she espoused – couldn’t “fake it” if she tried. Her influence changed my life and I can’t thank her enough. This approach might take more diligence, and we won’t be perfect, but a commitment to authenticity will ultimately set us free – child and parent. And I’m learning that the freedom to be real is a sure way to happiness…the enduring kind.

“I can be sad or happy whenever anything makes me sad or happy; I don’t have to look cheerful for someone else, and I don’t have to suppress my distress or anxiety to fit other people’s needs.  I can be angry and no one will die or get a headache because of it.”  – Dr. Alice Miller, (a baby’s fantasy) Drama of the Gifted Child

“No wonder so many adults seek therapy, trying to sort out how they really feel.” -Magda Gerber

(Photo by Cilou101 on Flickr)

Getting our attention and unnerving us is what whining is supposed to do. If it’s any consolation, just about every child goes through a whining phase (or two) at some point, and it’s not indicative of a fatal flaw in our child or our parenting. Here’s how to help toddlers get what they need in a manner that’s easier on the ears and nerves…

1. Don’t let it rattle you

Some say to ignore behaviors like whining, but since that might be misinterpreted as deliberately turning away and ignoring the child’s existence, I believe in staying present and available, just disengaging from the whine. Imagine yourself wearing an annoyance filter (an invention that could make billions, I’m sure). Take a deep breath and remind yourself that your child’s behavior is perfectly normal, but that you don’t want to encourage it. If we grant our child’s request to appease the whining, or react negatively, we might do just that.

2. Gentle guidance

Calmly say something like “It sounds like you’re uncomfortable, but it’s hard for me to understand you. Please tell me in your normal voice.” You might add matter-of-factly, “That sound hurts my ears.” If the whining continues, return to whatever you might have been doing and then after a moment try again. Or, you might ask the child some questions about what he wants while reminding him to answer in his normal voice.

3. Rest, food, drink, comfort

Whiners aren’t functioning at their best, often as the result of not enough of these things. Remember, your toddlers are growing rapidly, tire easily, and have low blood sugar attacks before they realize they’re hungry. They’re also sprouting two year molars, which is bound to create discomfort (and also interfere with sleep).

4. Give undivided, positive attention

Even newborn babies know whether or not they have our full attention, and a day’s worth of half-attention doesn’t fulfill our child’s needs. As Magda Gerber writes in Your Self-Confident Baby, our children need to periodically receive the message “You are important. You are number one right now.”

Magda encouraged parents to take advantage of feeding, bathing, diapering and dressing as natural opportunities for one-on-one attention. She also recommended periods of “wants nothing” quality time, time when we allow our child to be the initiator of activities while we observe, support, respond and participate as the child requests.  This is illustrated beautifully in “Five Minutes Makes A Difference” from Hand In Hand Parenting. 

Unfortunately, no matter how much attention we give our children, they’ll still try out whining when we aren’t observing and listening to them. But if they don’t get encouraging results, this too shall pass.

Parents, teachers and caregivers, feel free to whine all you want here in the comments…

(Photo by StarMama on Flickr)

In the last decade, educators and psychologists have begun developing new methods to test and understand the infant mind. They’re finding proof that even the youngest infants are phenomenal learners, actively engaged in absorbing new information, imagining, experimentation, statistical reasoning, problem solving. This perception of babies was once held only by those with insight and the inclination to observe — people like infant specialist Magda Gerber who rejected conventional wisdom and inspired others to study babies playing independently and note their abilities.

“An infant always learns. The less we interfere with the natural process of learning, the more we can observe how much infants learn all the time.”–Magda Gerber

So, how do we best enable and support babies through this impressive, innate process?  Here are a few of the secrets Magda taught me…

1. Diaper changes, feedings, baths, brushing teeth, dressing and undressing, nose wiping, finger and toenail clipping are all prime time for learning

But this is only true if we pay attention while we are doing those things, tell our babies what’s happening and invite them to participate with us. Even when our infant or toddler isn’t in a cooperative mood, there is much to be gained by simply acknowledging the difficulties, retaining a flexible attitude and continuing to interact rather than distract. “We’re having a rough time of it today, aren’t we?”

Infants can’t help but learn all the time, so the question really isn’t “are they learning?”, but rather “what are they learning?”  If we engage with babies during caregiving tasks, they learn about their bodies and how to care for them. They learn language naturally and internalize it because they don’t just hear our words, they experience them through all of their senses. (“Can you help me squeeze the warm water out of this yellow sponge?”) Most importantly, babies learn that their participation is expected and highly valued.

During these intimate moments with us, our baby’s sense of security is refueled, which then makes it possible for him to enjoy playing and exploring independently.

2. Infant learning secrets? Babies know them all already. So, trust infants and toddlers to be initiators, explorers and self-learners (which is the essence of the first RIE principle).

Indeed, babies can teach us a thing or two about learning, as psychologist and infant researcher Alison Gopnik explains in her intriguing video How To Think Like A Baby. Experts used to believe (and some still do) that an infant peacefully lying awake in his crib couldn’t possibly be ‘doing’ anything, or at least not anything worthwhile. One influential author even believes that babies “should not be put down at all” and that “babies placed in cots live in a state of longing…” These subjective assumptions and projections are not only untrue, they grossly underestimate the infant mind and are, quite honestly, a little egocentric on the part of the adult. Babies are only capable of being followers, never initiators? They have no mind or will of their own? They can’t take an interest in life unless they are in the arms of an adult?

It is true that babies need plenty of attentive physical contact with loving adults, but they also benefit from initiating self-chosen activities, engaging with life on their own terms, which might be as simple as an uninterrupted exploration of their hands or feet, or a daydream about dust particles. They especially enjoy having our appreciative attention without our direction.

3. Short attention span? Think again. Let infants choose, and their interest lasts longer

Another reason to let babies initiate learning activities is that they (like all of us) are capable of a longer attention span when they are doing something that they find enjoyable or intrinsically motivating.  Magda Gerber balked at the idea that infants and toddlers have short attention spans, because she’d observed otherwise. Magda understood that only the baby really knows what interests him at any given moment, and when we allow babies to choose activities and don’t interrupt, they astound us by engaging much longer than generally thought possible. (See this video and the one below!)

4. Big play spaces can be too much of a good thing. Even the smallest babies need boundaries

Parents have asked, “My whole house is childproofed. Do I need to make a gated play space for my baby?” And my answer is yes, because babies aren’t as comfortable playing when they are in a very large area. They are distracted and overwhelmed by too much “freedom”, actually appreciate the security they feel within safe boundaries (although toddlers might test and seem to object to them). The younger the baby, the smaller the space needed to feel truly free to explore their world and learn. Very young infants have plenty of room to play in a crib or playpen.

5. Familiarity breeds learning

An interesting paradox about babies…they learn more from what they know than from what they don’t know.  Learning blossoms when babies have a predictable environment. They love to know the ropes.

I get a kick out of observing babies entering the RIE classroom each week with their parents. The first few times they come, they quietly take in this novel situation. Then you begin to see the spark of recognition in their eyes and maybe a smile. As the months pass, some of the children arrive and point out their favorite familiar things in the classroom, as if touching base. I’ll respond, “Yes, there’s that dog in the picture you always see here.” You can clearly see when they have gotten over the hump and begin to own the place, because they dive right in and begin exploring. If they’ve missed a week or two for whatever reason, it might take them a couple of classes to feel that sense of comfort again.

Parents who have returned from family trips often tell me how elated their toddlers are to be home, enjoying their safe play spaces again.

6. Babies learn more when their toys are doing less

Interestingly, they engage with passive, simple, open-ended toys and objects for much longer, too. And that reminds me…

A family in one of my classes allowed me to share a video of their son, and it happens to perfectly illustrate the infant learning secrets I’ve mentioned: trust in the infant as a self-learner, the comfort of boundaries and familiarity, sustained attention as a result of self-chosen activity, and the value of simple objects as creative learning tools.

Watch this 10 month old scientist focusing intently for over 8 minutes (but there’s no need to watch the whole thing to get the picture). Observe his attention to every detail as he explores his object’s properties and creates educational experiments that help him to better understand balance, mobility, gravity, velocity. Even more impressive to me than this baby actively learning is the atmosphere of trust his parents have provided. The belief they obviously have in their son and his abilities is what makes this depth of learning possible. 

(I love the way he checks out his hand in the beginning.)

Now, here’s a sampling of the “qualities of a good learner” that I found from a variety of sources on the web. Do any of these remind you of babies?

• passion for knowledge.
• remains focused on the subject matter at hand, and takes time to review the material until it is assimilated appropriately, or we might say until it is well ingrained.
• perseveres and does not become frustrated or discouraged when items are not easily understood at first.
• will realize that in many instances, learning is not always a spontaneous event, but something that is realized over a period of time.
• understands the importance of practice, practice, practice.
• actively participates.
• always tries.
• analyzes new information and contrasts it with what they already know.
• begins with being present–physically, mentally. Knows how he/she learns best and is creative.
• enjoys learning.
• has a personal interest in the subject matter.
• has active listening, thinks and responds.
• has frustrations and asks a lot of questions.
• is a good listener, loves what he/she is learning.
• is creative — able to challenge assumed knowledge.
• is enthusiastic about learning. You don’t have to be smart.
• is open to taking risks, exploring, playing. It’s more about the process than the product.
• is open-minded.
• is willing to work hard.
• never stops learning.
• very curious, aware and focused on his/her mission.
• tries to cultivate “beginner’s mind”. (Ha!)
]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/08/the-secrets-of-infant-learning/feed/ 19 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/07/rie-parenting-a-respectful-debate/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/07/rie-parenting-a-respectful-debate/#comments Thu, 28 Jul 2011 23:29:37 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=3964 Infant expert Magda Gerber never shied away from controversy.  She knew that her child care approach was an uncommon one, often misinterpreted. In fact, she invited conflicting opinions, would even inquire, “What do you disagree with?” She’d then argue her point of view with spirited enthusiasm, a gleam in her eyes and (always) respect for her challenger.

I was reminded of Magda’s appreciation of a good debate when I happened upon a parent’s question about the RIE approach on Dr. Laura Markham’s Aha Parenting Facebook page. As an admirer of Dr. Laura’s child care articles and her passionate support of parents, I was curious to read her response. And, of course, I couldn’t help chiming in… Here’s the conversation that ensued.

Shannon:

I was just reading something about the RIE approach. And at first I thought it sounded interesting — letting children develop at their own pace, not hovering, etc. But then I did a little more research and I’m seeing a lot about it not being compatible with an instinctual style of parenting. Curious if you’ve heard of RIE and your thoughts on it?

Dr Laura:

Shannon -
That is a great question. I like many things about the RIE philosophy, especially around respect and play:

1. Respect for the baby as a real human with opinions, perceptions, needs. This includes talking to the baby, observing, saying what you see (“You don’t like it when I change your diaper”), empathizing.

2. Seeing myself as an assistant during play, rather than a director (which I also got from my training in play therapy)

3. Showing up with full presence with our child and giving her our full attention.

4. Sensitivity to meeting each child where he is, and supporting him to explore and grow from there, rather than pushing him to meet some external model of milestones/ achievements.

HOWEVER, Magda Gerber lived at a different time and did not have the information we have today. So, for instance, she believed that babies will “learn to self soothe”… “if she isn’t picked up at the slightest expression of discomfort.” We know from brain research that this is simply not true. Babies learn to self-soothe by being soothed by parents, that is how the neural networks develop that are necessary to deliver the soothing biochemicals.

Gerber says that if a baby’s needs have been taken care of, she should be allowed to express her feelings through crying. I agree completely. BUT she thinks the baby should be left alone to do that crying, which I think is barbaric. Babies don’t want to be left alone to cry, and we know that because it sends their body into a stage of emergency, with their cortisol levels through the roof. Of course babies are allowed to have and express their feelings as Gerber says, but they need us with them or they get the message that they are all alone with those big feelings.

Also, I find it surprising that Gerber was so rigid about some things. For instance, she felt strongly that babies should be left to play on their backs while they are awake. Some babies will love that. Many will not, they insist on being held. Some like a mixture. Obviously, I would listen to the needs of my individual baby, which I am surprised that Gerber did not.

Gerber was also against the family bed, concerned that parents would not get enough privacy. All I can say about that is that it shows a lack of imagination which I assume came from her age. I think I speak for a lot of family bed moms when I say that for me it was actually exciting to find new places in the house to enjoy some privacy with my husband when our bed was occupied with small children!

So what you read about RIE being at odds with instinct might be about what I would call Gerber’s cultural resistance to what we think of today as the practices of attachment and Continuum parenting, which are basically instinctual in nature. Does that sound like what you meant? –Laura

p.s. Janet Lansbury (http://www.facebook.com/ja​netlansburyElevatingChildC​are) and Lisa Sunbury (http://www.facebook.com/re​gardingbaby?sk=info) are both RIE advocates, and I admire them both. So you can also check out their pages for more info on RIE as well.

Shannon:

Yes, that’s exactly what I meant! I almost purchased a book on RIE, but started to become concerned pretty quickly as I read the few negative reviews the books were getting. The rest were so positive, but the few negatives all voiced concerns that I personally would have with the theory as well, if they were true. And it sounds like they are. I will check out the links you sent, as I’m curious for a more modern take on RIE. I’m a big believer in fostering children to be independent, but I also believe that comes from a close bond with their families — not from just letting them “figure it out” on their own via CIO and such. Anyway, thank you so much for responding, I very much appreciate it!

Me: 

Dr. Laura, I appreciate your detailed response to Shannon’s questions…but there are quite a few misinterpretations here…. The one I want to clarify immediately is that Magda Gerber would NEVER advise being unresponsive to a baby’s cries. Like Aletha Solter, she believed that babies should be listened to, supported and allowed to cry when they want to cry, when their other needs have been met.

The RIE philosophy is all about tuning into the individuality of the baby, perceiving a newborn as a whole and separate person and beginning a mindful connection from the start. Magda offered specific suggestions for doing that, like *observing*, and always communicating verbally before picking a baby up and giving the baby the opportunity to subtly communicate readiness. She believed that our “person to person” connection needed to begin right away.

Yes, babies need to be held, and Magda Gerber advocated “attentive” holding, holding a baby with the mind and heart, not so much as a passenger while our focus is elsewhere. (And, yes, this is different from practices in some primitive societies, like the one the Continuum author wrote about). Gerber and Dr. Pikler were unique in that they advocated time for infant free movement as well, so that the baby can begin to explore “self“. Babies are able to move most freely on their backs, but this is never something to be FORCED on a baby when a baby doesn’t want it! Babies let you know quite clearly when they need to be held…but it’s almost impossible for a young infant to let you know she needs time to move on her own. In fact, that isn’t something a baby knows she needs the way she knows she’s needs contact with us. It’s up to us to recognize self-initiated play as valuable, and provide opportunities for it, while closely observing the baby’s response.

And that reminds me of something else that Magda Gerber recognized (that I don’t hear other experts acknowledging). Babies become accustomed to our choices for them. The habits we create (like pacifiers for soothing, constant carrying, etc.) can then become our child’s “needs”. This can be confusing for parents as they try to recognize the difference between an individual baby’s true needs and the “parent-created” ones.

Dr. Laura, once again, I so appreciate all you do. Thank you for your support and the opportunity to engage in this conversation.

Shannon:

I’m enjoying your response a lot, Janet. I have a fairly “AP”-ish outlook on child-rearing, but for me, that means more than anything knowing your baby, responding to their needs, and using intuition over anything else. For instance, my son hated being in a carrier. SOOOO many people told me to let him get used to it — but that wasn’t his thing. It still isn’t. He doesn’t like being held close. He wanted to be held all the time as a baby, but only so he could see and look out at the world, and as soon as he could play in any sort of bouncer that let him sit up and be independent, he was suddenly the happiest baby ever. At 19 months, he is a never-ending bundle of energy who doesn’t stop — holding is out of the question, unless he actually “needs” me for comfort and such. He also totally rejected co-sleeping early on. He likes to sleep where there’s lots of room to move. I had a lot of guilt over that at first. But I realized finally that that’s his temperament. He’s his own person and I respect that. Son #2 is on the way in a few months — I can’t wait to see how this one differs from his brother. It’s all part of the journey! Thank you for your very thoughtful response, I appreciate it!

Me:

Thanks, Shannon. You sound like a great mom to me…and, as I’m sure Dr. Laura would agree, you shouldn’t ever feel guilty about listening to your baby and doing things that work for both of you!

Dr. Laura and Shannon, thank you again for this exchange and for allowing me to share it. Since I wasn’t able to take the time to address all of Dr. Laura’s issues with the RIE approach on Facebook, I’m hoping to continue the discussion with everyone here…

(Photo of babies enjoying a RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class is by Jude Keith Rose)

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/07/rie-parenting-a-respectful-debate/feed/ 23 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/the-parenting-magic-word-10-ways-to-use-it/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/the-parenting-magic-word-10-ways-to-use-it/#comments Wed, 22 Jun 2011 02:26:06 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=3748 Madga Gerber extolled the power of a single word that is fundamental to her child care philosophy. This word reflects a core belief in a baby’s natural abilities, respects his unique developmental timetable, fulfills his need to experience mastery, be a creative problem solver and to express feelings (even those that are hard for us to witness). The word is a simple, practical tool for understanding babies, providing love, attention and trust for humans of all ages.

The word is wait. And here’s how it works…

1. Wait for development of an infant or toddler’s motor skills, toilet learning, language and other preschool learning skills. Notice a child’s satisfaction, comfort and self-pride when he is able to show you what he is ready to do, rather than the other way around. As Magda Gerber often said, “readiness is when they do it.” Ready babies do it better (Hmmm… a bumper sticker?), and they own their achievement completely, relish it, and build self-confidence to last a lifetime.

2. Wait before interrupting and give babies the opportunity to continue what they are doing, learn more about what interests them, develop longer attention spans and become independent self-learners. When we wait while a newborn gazes at the ceiling and allow him to continue his train of thought, he is encouraged not only to keep thinking, but to keep trusting his instincts. Refraining from interrupting whenever possible gives our child the message that we value his chosen activities (and therefore him).

3. Wait for problem solving and allow a child the resilience-building struggle and frustration that usually precedes accomplishment. Wait to see first what a child is capable of doing on his own.

When a baby is struggling to roll from back to tummy, try comforting with gentle words of encouragement before intervening and interrupting his process. Then if frustration mounts, pick him up and give him a break rather than turning him over and ‘fixing’ him. This encourages our baby to try, try again and eventually succeed, rather than believe himself incapable and expect others to do it for him. This holds true for the development of motor skills, struggles with toys, puzzles and equipment, even self-soothing abilities like finding his thumb rather than giving him a pacifier.

(For more examples of the value of waiting for children to solve problems, please read A Jar Not Opened and A Hovering Parent’s Successful Landing.)

4. Wait for discovery rather than showing a child her new toy and how it works. When you teach a child something, you take away forever his chance of discovering it for himself. –Jean Piaget

5. Wait and observe to see what the child is really doing before jumping to conclusions. A baby reaching towards a toy might be satisfied to be stretching his arm and fingers, not expecting to accomplish a task. A toddler looking through a sliding glass door might be practicing standing or enjoying the view and not necessarily eager to go outside.

6. Wait for conflict resolution and give babies the opportunity to solve problems with their peers, which they usually do quite readily if we can remain calm and patient. And what may look like conflict to an adult is often just “playing together” through an infant or toddler’s eyes.

7. Wait for readiness before introducing new activities and children can be active participants, embrace experiences more eagerly and confidently, comprehend and learn far more. It’s hard to wait to share our own exciting childhood experiences (like shows, theme parks or dance classes) with our children, but sooner is almost never better, and our patience always pays off. (I explain this in much more detail in Toddler Readiness – The Beauty of Waiting and Please Don’t Take The Babies.)

8.  Wait for a better understanding of what babies need when they cry. When we follow the impulse most of us have to quell our children’s tears as quickly as possible, we can end up projecting and assuming needs rather than truly understanding what our child is communicating. This is the basis of my argument with Annie from Ph.D. in Parenting in Attachment Parenting Debate – For Crying Out Loud and the realization shared by a parent in A Toddler’s Need To Cry (One Parent’s Lesson).

9. Wait for feelings to be expressed so that our children can fully process them. Our child’s cries can stir up our own deeply suppressed emotions; make us impatient, annoyed, uneasy, and even angry or fearful. But children need our non-judgmental acceptance of their feelings and our encouragement to allow them to run their course.

10. Wait for ideas from children before offering suggestions of our own. This encourages them to be patient thinkers and brainstormers. Countless times I’ve experienced the miracle of waiting before giving my brilliant two cents while children play, or providing play ideas when children seem bored. Biting my tongue for a few minutes, maybe saying some encouraging words to a toddler like, “It’s hard to know what to do sometimes, but you are creative, I know you’ll think of something” is usually all that it takes for the child to come up with an idea. And it’s bound to be more imaginative, interesting and appropriate than anything I could have thought of. Best of all, the child receives spectacular affirmations: 1) I am a creative thinker and problem solver; 2) I can bear discomfort, struggle and frustration; 3) Boredom is just the time and space between ideas… (And sometimes, the wellspring of genius.)

Instincts may tell us that waiting is uncaring, unhelpful and confidence-shaking — until the results are proven to us. Sitting back patiently and observing often feels counterintuitive, so even if we know and appreciate the magic that can happen when we “wait”, it usually involves a conscious effort. But it’s worth it.

Do you find it challenging to wait? Do you have a magic word of your own? No need to wait to share your thoughts…

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/the-parenting-magic-word-10-ways-to-use-it/feed/ 21 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/05/fearless-baby-empowered-by-risk-surprising-video/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/05/fearless-baby-empowered-by-risk-surprising-video/#comments Tue, 24 May 2011 16:01:24 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=3609 This video is somewhat shocking at first glance – just about every glance, actually. Even when my 9 year old daredevil son saw it, he exclaimed disapprovingly, “You let her get on the table again?!”

The “table” is actually just a wooden platform a few inches high, a focus of interest and activity for babies in the RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes. The 8 month old baby in the video is an extraordinarily agile, athletic and energetic girl with an unusually unflappable temperament. But her choices of action and astounding reactions are really just a demonstration of the way all babies are naturally wired to learn — they risk. They challenge themselves, stumble (literally and figuratively) and get up again. What we might perceive as “mistakes”, they accept as just another interesting life event and a challenge to be overcome (unless, of course, it hurts too much).

It is indeed scary and challenging for parents and caregivers to let babies practice their motor skills as freely as this baby does. But isn’t her determination, perseverance, tenacity, ingenuity (note her figuring out how to pick up the wiffle ball), endurance, capability and self-confidence inspiring? These are traits well worth encouraging, and trusting a baby to explore independently in a safe, age-appropriate environment like this one with minimal intervention is the best way to do that…

Whew! That mommy is a trooper. And a special thank you also to the mom who got there in time to spot the baby’s fall #3!

But this was only the beginning… Super Baby continued her adventures (and testing her mom’s nerves) outdoors. In this next video, she practices pulling up to a standing position and getting down again. Guess which one’s harder? Her mom was concerned because the baby had been face-planting at home, so first I did a spotting demonstration and then mommy took over. Again, Super Baby amazes. Even after getting tired (can’t imagine why) determination wins out. Watch what she does after she cries a little and then finally gets down…

What luck and what a privilege it is to have witnessed (and recorded) these monumental moments of risk, struggle and development in this delightful girl’s life. I have no doubt she’ll continue to grow and thrive with self-confidence, courage and conviction…and an obviously irrepressible sense of humor.

“Learning to fall, getting up again, and moving on, is the best preparation for life.” -Magda Gerber

Note: These video clips are edited highlights from over 60 minutes of Super Baby’s uninterrupted play that day. She experimented with each of the activities we see in the video for an extended period of time (plus many more).



Please share your impressions!

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/05/fearless-baby-empowered-by-risk-surprising-video/feed/ 11 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/05/rie-parenting-good-news-cbs-video/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/05/rie-parenting-good-news-cbs-video/#comments Mon, 16 May 2011 02:42:39 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=3432 Brimming with new conviction and enthusiasm after attending yesterday’s 22nd Annual RIE Infant/Toddler Conference, I’m looking forward to sharing highlights in the coming weeks. And while I’m digesting the brilliance of psychologist Alicia Lieberman and the insights and inspirational reports from the other talented presenters — educators, parents and child care professionals — I have more good RIE news…

First, RIE has a brand new and beautiful website…check it out (rie.org)! Also, the CBS News L.A. clip about RIE parenting (which aired a while ago) is finally available. It includes footage from one of the Parent/Infant Guidance Classes I facilitate, interviews with a couple of the wonderful parents in class and comments from RIE executive director Deborah Solomon. This is by far the most accurate of a flood of recent articles and TV news stories about the RIE approach to respectful infant care…

One correction…the RIE Approach is not about treating babies as adults. It’s about giving infants the same respect one would an adult. And I’m hoping that one day soon it won’t be considered “controversial” or newsworthy to do so. (Whether or not one uses highchairs or sippy cups are really unimportant details.)

Which reminds me…after being enthralled by the variety of distinguished voices articulating RIE’s vision at the conference, new RIE Board president Polly Elam shared a goal (at the subsequent Annual Membership Meeting) that closely reflects my own:  that the perception of infants as capable individuals — active participants in relationships with their parents and caregivers – becomes “mainstream”, the norm, no longer unique. Here’s to hoping!

I also hope you’ll share your thoughts…

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/05/rie-parenting-good-news-cbs-video/feed/ 7 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/04/baby-gets-bumped-dads-remarkable-response-on-video/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/04/baby-gets-bumped-dads-remarkable-response-on-video/#comments Mon, 18 Apr 2011 01:21:13 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=3257 When a baby falls down or gets hurt, even if it is obviously a minor injury, our instincts might tell us to rush over, pick her up immediately and shower her with sympathy or distraction in an attempt to calm her as quickly as possible. Infant expert Magda Gerber advised something a little different and counterintuitive (especially for those who find a baby’s cries difficult to hear…namely, all of us!). She encouraged parents and caregivers to remain calm so as not to add our alarm or distress to the equation, and to take our cues from the child. She also suggested that we take the time to reflect on the experience to help the baby understand it, acknowledge her feelings and support her to express them freely and completely.  

I couldn’t have dreamed of a better example than the one in this video — provided by a dad and his baby daughter in a recent RIE Parent/Infant Class. As sorry as I was that this incident happened on my watch (!), the silver lining is the unique opportunity to show you a parent’s extraordinarily sensitive, patient and mindful response…

Notice the care this dad takes to:

Respect

He remains calm and stays in responsive mode, asking what his daughter needs, giving her the chance to handle the situation as best she can, in her own way, rather than rescuing her. Alternatively, the “Poor baby, let me kiss it and make it all better” approach sets the stage for a victim mentality, according to Magda Gerber in Your Self-Confident Baby.  “Not only do you rob a child of comforting herself, you also provide a magical solution of which she is not a part.”

When we reflect rather than rescue, the child often recovers quickly and returns to playing. This baby might have done so if she wasn’t also hungry (a discovery her dad made a few minutes after the video).

Obviously, if we sense a child is seriously injured or in danger we should rush in, and we probably won’t be able to temper our distress.

Reflect

This father not only asks “Did you get hit…right here?” and points out the “hard” bottle, he even explains the situation to another baby who shows interest/concern. “She got hit. She didn’t like it”.  Reflecting helps a baby grasp the situation and learn from it rather than it being (for an infant) yet another of life’s mysteries. She is also assured that she’s worthy of being informed about all that happens in her immediate world. 

Accept and Acknowledge

When a child cries, parents have the tendency to comfort with words like, “You’re okay. You’re fine. Don’t cry. It was just a bump.” But those “reassurances” actually negate a child’s feelings and send a confusing message because the child doesn’t feel okay.

Note this father’s patience and acceptance. He allows his daughter’s feelings to run their course, never trying to alter them. The sense of acceptance these parent/child interactions provide for a baby, and the profound feeling of being understood, are great gifts…and the basis for an enduring and unshakable sense of security.

Please share your impressions!

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/04/baby-gets-bumped-dads-remarkable-response-on-video/feed/ 19