I hear (or read) statements like Mama Birth’s all the time.  It doesn’t matter what school of child care thought or the specifics of the discussion, someone always concludes “there isn’t a method that can work for every child because each baby is unique.”  And that usually ends the discussion.

Although I couldn’t agree more about each child being unique, I disagree about there not being a universal, one-size-fits-all child care approach — because I know one. It’s summed up perfectly by RIE Associate Elizabeth Memel when she welcomes new parents to her Parent/Infant Guidance Classes: “I’m not your teacher — your child is your teacher.” (Wish I’d said that.)

Our unique babies are the only people on the planet who can teach us all we need to know about raising them. So one-size-fits-all parenting is about learning how to become better students. Here’s infant expert Magda Gerber‘s foolproof way to do that…

1. Trust

We need a basic trust in our babies as capable communicators and initiators — fully human and active participants in life. The expression “seeing is believing” has to be reversed. Young children, especially the most immobile, pre-verbal ones can’t show and tell us unless we believe they can and give them room.

2. Observe

Sensitive observation, focused attention, really taking the child in without interference is the key to understanding babies and responding appropriately. Through observation we can detect everything from the early stages of tiredness (and be able to prepare children for sleep ahead of the curve) to what they might be learning while they play, when not to interrupt.  Magda Gerber’s story illustrates…

“Once many years ago, I saw an infant lying on the floor who was trying to catch something in a very dreamy, beautiful way. I didn’t see anything, but I knew that the child saw something. Only as I walked around did I realize that the dust in the air was creating a rainbow, and that’s what the child saw. That experience stayed with me as a symbolic reminder, so that now when people do things, I want to say, “That child may just see the rainbow — don’t interrupt. Wait.”

(from Dear Parent, Caring For Infants With Respect)

This story is also about trust, trusting that our baby’s choice of activity has value and is “enough”.

3. Listen

If I had it to do over, I’d definitely try the Dunstan method for decoding baby language…it fascinates me! I know, I know, someone’s bound to tell me it doesn’t work for every baby. But listening does. True listening means finding the strength to hear babies when they cry, since that’s the way they communicate a variety of needs and feelings. It means making the effort to understand before responding, especially when those responses mean placing something in the baby’s mouth, because that discourages further communication.

Lu Hanessian (from Parent2ParentU) provided a vivid illustration recently when she suggested substituting the word ‘communicate’ for ‘cry’.  And yet, there are experts who will tell you not to let your baby ‘communicate’.

When our goal is to prevent babies from crying, we end up assuming needs, doing well-intentioned but misdirected things like feeding them when they’re tired or playing with them when they’re over-stimulated.  Observe and listen. Really listen. Your baby is listening to you, and she deserves the same respect.

Keeping the lines of communication open becomes even more vital as our children grow. These lines are delicate. They can easily become blocked and even “downed” when we routinely ignore or respond judgmentally to our baby’s cries; lose patience with our toddler’s tendency toward overreaction; or say just about anything to our teenagers (!).

This lesson was brought home recently when my husband and I went through a rough patch with one of our children. We were alarmed and confused as to how to handle it, seriously doubted ourselves.  Once again, the answer turned out to be listening and trusting our daughter to know herself.  (Thank you, Magda, for guidance that keeps on giving!)

4.  Talk, long before they do

Encourage communication by talking to children respectfully.  Tell infants and toddlers before you pick them up (better yet, ask first). Show children through your actions and words that you want them to communicate with you. Let them know you understand what they’ve communicated and they’ll keep letting you in.

5. Slow down

Tuning in to young children is impossible without slowing down to their speed.

6. Get outside!

Moving your life outdoors as much as possible has nothing specific to do with learning about babies, but communing with nature is a one-size-fits-all, foolproof ticket to enjoying life and parenting.

Here’s inspiration… Observe this 6 month old baby’s discovery. Listen to his joy. Trust that his inner-directed activity is not only enough, it’s just perfect. (This is a 30 second snippet from a long, uninterrupted play period.)

And that reminds me of another thing…

7. Revere play

Do you have foolproof parenting ideas to share?

(Thanks so much to Kerry and Kobe for this enchanting video!)

(Photo by Brianfit on Flickr)

I love your articles. I love the concept of letting your little ones just be alone sometimes. I feel I am constantly trying to entertain my little 5 month old girl, and I want her to be someone that likes her own company in the future and can be creative by herself. I don’t know if my LO is clingy (maybe I’m misunderstanding something) or just used to me being right next to her 24/7?

For the last 2 months I have been trying to let her have as much floor play as possible (I hid away the big box of toys, musical swing, and she hardly ever goes in a buggy or car seat) and just gave her space and a few open-ended objects to play with. I stay in the room with her so I am within reach but try to let her have her own space. She seems to get very frustrated and complains a lot after a short amount of time. If I go over to her and engage with her, she is instantly happy. I have not been denying her cuddles or interaction, but she seems much happier when I’m constantly entertaining her with singing, faces etc. Maybe I’m getting something wrong? Please help!

The only other thing I can think of is that she doesn’t want to be restricted on the floor. She  LOVES to be held up on her legs in standing position. She  complains at tummy time and rolls but isn’t crawling yet, and just seems to want to stand (with my assistance) for a large amount of time.

Jade

Hi Jade,

Thanks for your kind words. A couple of thoughts come to mind regarding your little one. First, remember that babies are very impressionable and like to do what they are accustomed to doing. When we decide to change patterns of behavior we’ve established with our children, there’s usually an adjustment period. If you would like to aid your baby’s transition to more child-led play (and I highly recommend doing so), she will need to adapt to enjoying being with you while you do a little less. Here’s what I suggest…

1. Sit on the floor holding your baby on your lap in a horizontal position, if she’ll allow you to. Sometimes when babies are accustomed to being in an upright position in our arms, they won’t stand for being held another way. If that’s the case, hold her at more of an upright angle on your lap. Relax and let her look around. Place a few interesting, but simple play objects out on the floor beforehand so that she can see them. Don’t point the toys out to her or try to coax her into going there. Just be patient, quiet and accepting. Let her feel settled and see what she sees.

2. When you feel she’s ready (perhaps she’s leaning towards the floor or seems interested in the toys), tell her that you will lay her down, and then place her on her back. Stay right there, so she’s very close to you. Don’t pick up the toys, move them closer or put them in her hands. Just wait and see, let her “be”. If you are impatient, tense or have an agenda, your daughter will probably sense it. So, work on totally letting go and just observing.

3. If she complains, talk to her, always acknowledge her communication. “I hear you. I’m right here watching you.” If she starts to sound more upset, you might stroke her gently and even lie down next to her. “You sound uncomfortable. This is a little different from the way we usually play, isn’t it?”

Remember that complaining about trying something new doesn’t mean she’s “unhappy”. 

4. If your acknowledgements don’t calm her and she starts to escalate, you might ask, “Do you want a little break? Would you like me to pick you up?” If she seems to say yes, then pick her up, but stay seated on the floor. If she calms down in your arms, you could try again. “Are you ready to play again?”

5. Most babies do love it when we stand them up, carry them around and otherwise entertain them. What’s not to love? When these ways of interacting become the norm, they are desired and expected. This wish to repeat the familiar can become a distraction that makes it difficult for the child to engage in the slower paced, self-created and self-designed activities that are profoundly beneficial and vital to learning.

It isn’t that your baby feels “restricted” playing on the floor; it’s just that it is such a new and foreign idea to her. (In fact, she is far more restricted and dependent when you are holding her up). And she may not yet believe that she has your attention when you are quieter and more passive, so you’ll have to prove it. The key is to gently wean your baby from expecting entertainment while providing her the trust, space and time to create her own.

A baby who can self-entertain will never need TV.

6. Just as it’s up to us to instill the habit of self-directed play (which most babies end up loving even more than the adult generated kind), it’s also our job to ensure that our babies are developing motor skills organically, if that is something we value. Although both are innate desires, we have to pave the way (which usually means staying out of the way).

If this is the direction you want to take, I would recommend that you not hold your baby up to stand anymore, ever, because that is interfering with both inner-directed play and natural motor development. If she seems to want you to do it, I would acknowledge honestly, “I see you are asking me to hold you up. Yes, we used to do that, but now we’re going to wait for you to be ready to do it on your own. That will be healthier for your body” (or something like that).

7. It isn’t surprising that interaction with her beloved mommy makes your daughter “instantly happy”.  Continue to engage her with your joyful attention when you two are feeding, bathing and diapering, etc. Sing, make faces and share jokes while you “work” together. These loving interactions combined with child-led playtime in which you are an appreciative audience to your baby’s ever evolving antics will provide her the absolute best of both worlds.

For inspiration and further clarification, here’s an enchanting, brief montage of a baby’s first 5 months of independent play, generously provided by Kerry (a fellow New Zealander, Jade!) Note the minimal toys needed, the time baby Kobe spends exploring his hands, moving his limbs, pondering who knows what? Notice the comfort he seems to feel in his own skin and the way he achieves “tummy time” gracefully and confidently.

Kerry is an early childhood teacher in New Zealand and began working in a nursery 2 years ago which sparked her passion for respectful care and the RIE philosophy.  Since having Kobe 6 months ago she has been privileged to put into practice all she’s learnt and is amazed everyday at Kobe’s attentiveness, confidence and grace.

For more about infant play, I highly recommend “What Is Play?” by Lisa Sunbury from Regarding Baby

(Photo by Micah Sittig on Flickr)

In A Creative Alternative To Baby TV Time, I speculated that parents desperately need breaks from the 24/7 job of baby care, especially in those first years (been there!). Sometimes TV can seem the easiest or only answer. The majority of these parents must not be aware that there is a healthier, safer way that’s guaranteed to have a positive impact on their baby’s developing brain…

Independent play keeps babies safely occupied, while also providing an essential developmental opportunity. Not only is inner-directed and uninterrupted play a profoundly educational, therapeutic, creative (the list goes on) activity for babies, it’s also the key to raising a child capable of self-entertainment. Provided with safe places to play, these babies have no need for TV.

The American Academy of Pediatrics corroborated these statements when it (all too briefly) mentioned a viable alternative to TV use in its recent update to recommendations for children under 2: leave the baby to play alone. Unfortunately, they neglected to include the most important element of solo play: a 100% safe, gated off area. Parents listening to the report might have been imagining their babies wandering around the house while they went to the bathroom and thinking, ‘no way am I going to do that!’ Nor should they.

Establishing the play ‘habit’ takes a bit more thought and conscious effort in the beginning than does plunking a baby in front of TV. It’s worth it, though, and I can’t imagine a better description of the process than the account and video sent to me by Kerry, a mum from New Zealand…

I’m so happy I’ve persevered with uninterrupted play. I can definitely see the results now. My baby is very content to explore his environment.

The biggest thing for me was TRUST – trusting him to move just the way he needs to, trusting him to spend his time doing what is most relevant to his learning, trusting him to let me know when he needs me. By doing this I have got more and more enjoyment out of observing him and I think we both get more satisfaction out of each small achievement.  It’s like watching life unfold.

I’ve also found it’s almost about going *against* your instincts – to not rattle a toy in his face when he’s day dreaming, to not help him straight away when he’s stuck or frustrated, to not ‘teach’ him how to reach his next milestone.  When he’s playing, he’s being, and by respecting that he’s learnt to love his time on the floor.

Kobe is my ‘proof’ that babies move through physical milestones naturally without the need for adult intervention or teaching. He has found his hands and feet, reached for toys, rolled one way, rolled the other, rolled back, turned in a circle, and I didn’t teach him a thing!

So that’s a couple things, otherwise I always place him on his back first, don’t use any equipment that restricts movement, give him opportunities to play every time he’s awake, give him full attention during care moments, leave the room sometimes when he’s settled and playing (always tell him I’ll be back in 1 minute), acknowledge eye-contact and any frustrations, and make time for interactive play time too (lots of cuddles and singing etc.). 

(Kerry mentioned that she accidentally erased the sound from this video, so we’re unable to hear Kobe reciting Shakespeare’s Sonnet 30 while he plays.)

P.S. Kobe has just started daycare and the teachers have commented on his agility and confidence in his movements, his ability to self-soothe and the way he anticipates and responds to adult’s actions…. I’m such proud mum!

Thank you, Kerry!

Kerry is an early childhood teacher in New Zealand and began working in a nursery 2 years ago which sparked her passion for respectful care and the RIE philosophy.  Since having Kobe 6 months ago she has been privileged to put into practice all she’s learnt and is amazed everyday at Kobe’s attentiveness, confidence and grace

My daughter’s no slacker. Now a freshman at a top university, she’s always been a high achiever and managed to find balance and have a really good time. My two younger children, both busy, accomplished students, also seem to handle stress remarkably well.

Unfortunately, the results of recent research align with my daughter’s discovery in class.  According to a study reported on msnbc, “…five times as many high school and college students are dealing with anxiety and other mental health issues as youth of the same age who were studied in the Great Depression era. The findings, culled from responses to a popular psychological questionnaire used as far back as 1938, confirm what counselors on campuses nationwide have long suspected as more students struggle with the stresses of school and life in general.”

The question is, what to do about it?

I don’t claim to have the answer to helping overstressed college students, but I give credit for my children’s apparent immunity to the effects of stress to infant specialist Magda Gerber.  Through Magda I learned how to minimize stress beginning in the early, formative years. She also taught me that the real secret to raising children who stress less is nurturing their natural ability to cope with stress, process and offload it.

Here are some details…

Minimizing stress

1. Be responsive and communicative

Tune in and respond to babies. Observe sensitively and learn to interpret their cries and signals. Tell babies what you are doing with them (like picking them up) before you do it. Begin this two-way communication with babies at birth. Invite babies to participate in their care from the very beginning.  

2. Keep it simple, safe, peaceful, predictable, age appropriate

Becoming a parent is the best excuse you’ll ever have to slow down and simplify your life. Recognize that infants and toddlers are sensitive, absorbent and easily over-stimulated, unable to screen out stimulation the way their elders are. Less is more, safest and best.

“No matter how simple an environment is, a baby may be overwhelmed by too much stimulation,” Magda Gerber notes in Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect.  “Allow the infant to develop her biological rhythm first and then slowly ease the infant into to the life of the family.”

And since adults are far less sensitive to stimulation, overstimulation is not something we easily detect. “A infant or toddler’s wide-eyed stare may appear to be surprise or intense interest, but according to newborn infant specialist Dr. Kevin Nugent the child is in fact saying “back off”. “A slight turning away of the head, arched eyebrows and too-wide eyes are all signs that he is over-stimulated.” – “Know Your Baby“, The Irish Times

Children feel calmest, happiest and most confident when they can “get a handle on things”, when they know what to expect and comprehend the things they are exposed to. Consider your child’s readiness before asking her to participate in lessons and classes, going to shows, movies or amusement parks, etc. When in doubt, wait.

3. Protect the developing brain

I know this is a controversial and guilt-inducing subject, but I would love to change the mindset I hear about TV use for babies. Parents have been duped into believing that TV is the best or only way to get a break from caring for their children, and that following the guidelines of the AAP is difficult to impossible. The need for TV is not only a lie, it actually creates dependencies on passive entertainment that work against getting those breaks! Perhaps marketers are perpetuating this lie? Or friends and relatives who want you to do what they’re doing, a “safety in numbers” attitude.

If you want a child who can spend long hours entertaining herself (which will afford you many breaks and make you the envy of all your friends with children); and if you want your child to have the best chance of reaching her educational potential, be able to listen and retain what she learns and need to spend less time doing homework, studying for tests, stressing about school in general; then don’t turn on the TV for the first 2 to 3 years. It is much easier than you imagine. But once you begin using TV, it’s harder.

“I’m not saying that you should keep your child away from TV, but you need to know, it’s no different than putting them on drugs. It’s an effective, but not a harmless way to buy yourself a little peace and quiet.” –Teacher Tom, “Watching Television Is Relaxing”

“…research strongly indicates that [screen-viewing] has the potential to affect both the brain itself and related learning abilities.  Abilities to sustain attention independently, stick to problems actively, listen intelligently, read with understanding, and use language effectively may be particularly at risk.  No one knows how much exposure is necessary to make a difference”, notes brain researcher Dr. Jane Healy in Endangered Minds.

If I could share just one secret to raising stress-free learners, it would be to avoid screen use in the early years.

4. Enjoy “being” together rather than requesting performances

Allow your infants, toddlers and preschoolers to learn through play and encourage them to develop naturally at their individual pace. Follow your child’s lead when he plays rather than trying to direct or teach him. Only your child knows what he is ready to learn.

“Bruce McEwen, a neuroendocrinologist at the Rockefeller University, notes that asking children to handle material that their brain is not yet equipped for can cause frustration. Perceiving a lack of control is a major trigger of toxic stress, which can damage the hippocampus, a brain area crucial to learning and memory” -”The Death Of Preschool“, Scientific American

Enjoy your children’s company.  Let them be themselves. Give your children the empowering and comforting message through your interactions that they are “enough”.

5. Have an “all feelings allowed” attitude so that children feel their bright and dark sides wholly accepted and welcome. Then they don’t feel pressured to hide their feelings or be inauthentic in order to please us.

6. Provide the comfort and freedom of non-punitive boundaries

Although young children will seldom express this to us, it’s stressful and even frightening for them when they feel “in charge” and have the sense that they are calling the shots — that their parents will give in to avoid their disappointments and tantrums. Parents were created to be their children’s gentle, empathetic leaders.

Enabling children to relieve and manage stress

7. Encourage play as therapy

Cultivate the habit of uninterrupted, self-directed play so that your child has plenty of opportunities to benefit from play’s therapeutic value. (For more, please read: The Power Of Play Therapy.) As your child grows, continue to provide lots of downtime between activities. Value daydreams and puttering.

8. Encourage children to express feelings

Even young infants need to be listened to when they cry, allowed to release stress and offload their feelings. Contrary to conventional thought, there is not a magical age when this begins. It begins at the beginning.

“Respond to your baby by letting him know that you are there and that you care. First, do accept that you don’t understand instinctively what exactly makes your baby cry, nor what to do about it. Next, rather than responding mechanically with one of the usual routines of feeding or changing your baby, to stop the crying, try quietly talking to your baby. Remember, crying is a baby’s language – it is a way to express pain, anger, and sadness.  Acknowledge the emotions your baby is expressing. Let him know he has communicated.” –Magda Gerber

9. Encourage children to actively participate in coping with stress and conflict

Allow children to be problem solvers whenever possible, whether it be during conflicts with peers, while playing with toys, putting on clothes, or finding their thumb. Allow children opportunities to do the things they are capable of doing. I share more on this subject in The Truth About Infant Self-Soothing.

“We can look at life as a continuation of conflicts or problems. The more often we have mastered a minute difficulty, the more capable we feel the next time.” – Gerber

10. Trust and belief in your baby as a competent, inner-directed human being capable of making choices is the key to minimizing and processing stress.

An acquaintance once commented to me about my daughter, “Oh, you’re so lucky she’s self-motivated, you don’t have to push her.” As I nodded my head I thought to myself, “No, she’s self-motivated because we don’t push her.” And, thanks to Magda Gerber, that’s the way it has always been.

I’d love to hear your ideas for helping children deal with stress…

(Photo of my daughter was taken by her friend and I’m pretty sure that’s a phone, not a beer in her hand.)  

References (all of which I recommend):

“Watching Television is Relaxing” by Teacher Tom

“Students report more serious stress”, Children’s health on msnbc.com

“Babies And TV: New Media Use Guideline From The AAP” by  Alice Callahan, Ph.D., Science Of Mom

“The Death Of Preschool” by Paul Tullis, Scientific American

Endangered Minds -Why Children Don’t Think And What We Can Do About It by Jane M. Healy, PH.D.

Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect by Magda Gerber

“Know Your Baby” by Sheila Wayman, The Irish Times

Observing infant and toddler interactions over the years, I’ve learned that babies have volumes to teach us about getting along with others, if we can just stay out of their way and let them.

Please watch the struggle in this video without any preconceived notions about play, manners, sharing, who-had-it-first. I think you’ll see that toddlers are not only capable problem solvers, they are ingenious, tenacious, accepting and forgiving.

Notes about interventions in this video:

1. Beginning around this age, I gently try to encourage the children to use language (like “no”) with each other, so they will be less inclined to hit or push (or allow themselves to be hit or pushed).

2. At RIE, we don’t believe in using a blaming tone when there is conflict, so that children don’t identify themselves as victims or aggressors. Instead, we ‘sportscast’ the situation non-judgmentally and matter-of-factly. Infants and toddlers are just learning and experimenting, and we want to give them the confidence to continue to do so. 

3. Wish I would have said something to the little girl when she looked at me, something like, “You were both holding the roller and now he has it.” Or, “Yes, I saw what happened.” Or maybe, “Yes, I’m making a movie.” Honestly, I think I was afraid of interrupting something I was excited to share with you all, but she looked like she was asking for a response. I learn a lot watching these videos!

Educational experiences like this one are possible when we:

Provide a safe play space with communal toys (rather than personal ones) and allow children to interact with a small group of others of a similar age.

Fulfill basic needs. Obviously, toddlers who are hungry, thirsty, tired or otherwise uncomfortable won’t have the same interest in, or ability to face, social challenges.

Observe attentively and quietly. Children will play and interact when parents are talking, but it’s less likely and probably won’t go as smoothly. Babies are sensitive to the noise level, think more clearly and feel safer with each other when they have our quiet attention.

Physically intervene only when children might hurt each other and when doing so model gentleness. Our actions speak louder than our words.

State the conflict for the children non-judgmentally with an even-tone to help them understand what is happening and let them know you understand and are paying attention.

Provide an atmosphere of trust – believe the children capable of handling their squabbles. In my experience (and as demonstrated in the video), the children that “take” the most are invariably the ones who “give” the most. Children this age don’t understand the concepts of “sharing” or “ownership”, and when we try to teach them those things, we tend to discourage play and learning. Our interruptions put the brakes on valuable social exchanges and leave toddlers with the message that they’re incapable of interacting with their peers.

In these first couple of years, babies are innocently looking for a way to engage, just trying to figure out how to play together. There are going to be plenty of struggles, clumsy exchanges and blunders along the way.  But our babies won’t be inclined to judge the situation or each other, they’ll just be glad to be there.

Following the RIE approach, we start with the least amount of help and intervention and then slowly increase it.  We do expect and trust that even infants eventually learn most by working out conflicts all by themselves.  If every time adults jump in and bring in their version of what is right, the children learn either to depend on them or to defy them. The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve. –Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect

(If you’re interested in forming a RIE-inspired playgroup in your neighborhood, please join our community and list your city!)

Through sensitive observation and a little practice, we can learn how to read our child’s cues and provide these responses without interrupting, interfering, directing. Simple, brief descriptions of the things we notice our baby experiencing (hearing, seeing, doing, etc.) encourage inner-directed play to continue and also teach language in the most age-appropriate, meaningful, effective way.  Soon these experiential language “lessons” feel perfectly natural for both of us.

But I’m afraid this may be sounding way more complicated than it is. This is far easier to demonstrate than to explain (for me at least). So, here are a few brief examples…

(Also in this video: a boy beginning to walk; infants interacting in what could be perceived as conflict, but looks to me like an attempt to play together; babies saying words that are a little hard to comprehend just yet, but are the beginnings of words just the same; undeniably brilliant children! No actors were hired.)

Letting babies know that we notice and understand (especially when they “ask” by verbalizing or making eye contact with us) encourages communication and language development, their awareness, trust in their instincts, and forges deeper bonds between us and our babies. What could be more gratifying than knowing that mommy, daddy, teacher, caregiver are not only watching, they’re sharing the child’s experience? And they get it.

Babies need opportunities to try and then practice new skills, and our challenge is to keep remembering to slow down and be open to providing them. The benefits are obvious. Children love to “do it themselves”. Small moments of mastery and accomplishment help them cope with age-appropriate toddler angst and frustrations. The happiest, most self-confident babies are those who are respected as innately capable, encouraged to be active participants in their care (and life), and allowed to be achievers whenever possible. I was reminded of this a few weeks ago during a RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class…

Since only two families out of seven showed up (due to summer vacations), I impulsively decided to offer a new activity during snack time, one I usually introduce with children older than these, thinking it wouldn’t matter if it was a minor disaster with only two at the table. This group of children is 15 to 19 months of age, and so far they’ve been capable of patiently allowing me to wipe their hands, choosing their own bibs, helping me peel the banana before I offer them pieces to eat, all the while remaining politely seated (for the most part) across the table from me. Just a few weeks ago I began pouring little sips of water into real glasses for the children to drink, refilling them as requested. Most of them seem to have that skill down.

So, I brought out a very small plastic measuring cup (smaller than the one I’d been pouring with) and invited the little boy and girl to try pouring their own water. To my amazement, they both did it. For developmental perspective, the one who was more adept (I didn’t have to move his glass at all to catch the water) is a few months younger and a much “later” walker. He has only taken a step or two at 16 months. You just never know what they’re working on.

The children seemed thrilled with their achievement, and I was inspired to try again the next week with a couple more children. The “returnees” were quite eager and excited to repeat their successes.

This time, another relatively late walker (who had been an early crawler) took the measuring cup and started tipping the side without the spout towards her glass. I had to stifle my impulse to help. There was a moment of suspense as she seemed to change her mind, turned the pitcher around and — voila! — poured perfectly. Oh, the expression of satisfaction on her face!

How much longer might I have overlooked the possibility of the children pouring their own water, if not for the very small class? This happened to me many times as a mother, especially with my first child. Only by accident would I discover that my baby was capable of things I hadn’t yet imagined.

So, what other possibilities are there for babies and one-year-olds…what else might they do?

1. Dress and undress (but undressing usually comes first)

This is the most common one parents seem to overlook or just don’t make time for. Babies can take their shoes and socks off if we provide minimal help (like sliding the sock over their heel so they can pull it off from the toe). Parents get used to rushing these things to get them done, but if we slow down and give children a little time, make a conscious effort to “move at the speed of children” (as Jeanne from the website Zella Said Purple aptly describes it), they often do it with only minimal assistance or none at all.

In my classes I ask the children if they would like to take their bibs off and give them to me, and then I usually loosen the Velcro so that they can get the bib off easily. But one child in this one-year-old class surprised me by being able to put her bib on herself.  She is fond of wearing not just one, but two overlapping bibs, and she puts them on herself. But in another class I facilitated, 2 year olds weren’t yet doing this. Is that because I did it for them and didn’t give them the opportunity?

Note: none of these things should be expected, requested or insisted upon by parents…just offered as an option, like: “Would you like to try taking your sock off yourself?” Independence and mastery are about accomplishing things by choice. Toddlers sometimes choose not to do things they are fully capable of doing for a variety of healthy reasons. Trust and don’t push.

2. Eat with a spoon

All three of my children ate well with a spoon soon after they turned one, probably because I followed Magda Gerber’s advice to introduce solids with the baby on my lap and use two spoons, so that the baby had one to practice with daily.

3. Climb into a car seat

I’m definitely a creature of habit, and this one took me by surprise with all three children. It would happen by accident when I wasn’t looking. I’d realize…whoa…my baby is quite capable of climbing into her seat and may have been able to for a long while.

4. Climb up and get back down (with spotting)

If babies get used to us taking them down from structures, steps, etc., rather than waiting, spotting and encouraging them while they problem-solve, they can believe themselves incapable and dependent on us to help them do what they can do on their own.

5. Puzzles

This is another thing babies can begin doing, but only if we 1) don’t show or help them, and 2) don’t lead them to believe that puzzles are tasks that need completing. Just let them fiddle, experiment, leave things partially ‘done’.  Don’t teach them there’s a right way, and they’ll retain the confidence to persevere and eventually succeed.

 And more generally…

6. Natural gross motor development

Babies can achieve all developmental milestones (and enjoy many transitional positions in between) without adult assistance, if they have plenty of floor time to practice.

7. Self-entertainment – extended periods of uninterrupted independent play

We create this opportunity when we provide safe play spaces that include some open ended play objects (see this video for ideas) and cultivate independent play from the beginning. Babies revel in their free play time when it has been introduced early and gradually becomes a predictable part of their daily routine.

Of course, our babies can’t do any of these things without our support – our patience, restraint, encouragement, and acknowledgement of their struggles and successes. As Magda Gerber explains in Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect, sensitive observation is the key to knowing what to do when…

“By closely supervising our infants, by allowing them to do what they are capable of, by restraining ourselves from rescuing them too often, by waiting and waiting and waiting, by giving minimal help when they really need it, we allow our infants to learn and grow at their own time, and in their own way.”

Have your babies surprised you with their abilities? Please share!

(Photo by Jude Keith Rose)

In the last decade, educators and psychologists have begun developing new methods to test and understand the infant mind. They’re finding proof that even the youngest infants are phenomenal learners, actively engaged in absorbing new information, imagining, experimentation, statistical reasoning, problem solving. This perception of babies was once held only by those with insight and the inclination to observe — people like infant specialist Magda Gerber who rejected conventional wisdom and inspired others to study babies playing independently and note their abilities.

“An infant always learns. The less we interfere with the natural process of learning, the more we can observe how much infants learn all the time.”–Magda Gerber

So, how do we best enable and support babies through this impressive, innate process?  Here are a few of the secrets Magda taught me…

1. Diaper changes, feedings, baths, brushing teeth, dressing and undressing, nose wiping, finger and toenail clipping are all prime time for learning

But this is only true if we pay attention while we are doing those things, tell our babies what’s happening and invite them to participate with us. Even when our infant or toddler isn’t in a cooperative mood, there is much to be gained by simply acknowledging the difficulties, retaining a flexible attitude and continuing to interact rather than distract. “We’re having a rough time of it today, aren’t we?”

Infants can’t help but learn all the time, so the question really isn’t “are they learning?”, but rather “what are they learning?”  If we engage with babies during caregiving tasks, they learn about their bodies and how to care for them. They learn language naturally and internalize it because they don’t just hear our words, they experience them through all of their senses. (“Can you help me squeeze the warm water out of this yellow sponge?”) Most importantly, babies learn that their participation is expected and highly valued.

During these intimate moments with us, our baby’s sense of security is refueled, which then makes it possible for him to enjoy playing and exploring independently.

2. Infant learning secrets? Babies know them all already. So, trust infants and toddlers to be initiators, explorers and self-learners (which is the essence of the first RIE principle).

Indeed, babies can teach us a thing or two about learning, as psychologist and infant researcher Alison Gopnik explains in her intriguing video How To Think Like A Baby. Experts used to believe (and some still do) that an infant peacefully lying awake in his crib couldn’t possibly be ‘doing’ anything, or at least not anything worthwhile. One influential author even believes that babies “should not be put down at all” and that “babies placed in cots live in a state of longing…” These subjective assumptions and projections are not only untrue, they grossly underestimate the infant mind and are, quite honestly, a little egocentric on the part of the adult. Babies are only capable of being followers, never initiators? They have no mind or will of their own? They can’t take an interest in life unless they are in the arms of an adult?

It is true that babies need plenty of attentive physical contact with loving adults, but they also benefit from initiating self-chosen activities, engaging with life on their own terms, which might be as simple as an uninterrupted exploration of their hands or feet, or a daydream about dust particles. They especially enjoy having our appreciative attention without our direction.

3. Short attention span? Think again. Let infants choose, and their interest lasts longer

Another reason to let babies initiate learning activities is that they (like all of us) are capable of a longer attention span when they are doing something that they find enjoyable or intrinsically motivating.  Magda Gerber balked at the idea that infants and toddlers have short attention spans, because she’d observed otherwise. Magda understood that only the baby really knows what interests him at any given moment, and when we allow babies to choose activities and don’t interrupt, they astound us by engaging much longer than generally thought possible. (See this video and the one below!)

4. Big play spaces can be too much of a good thing. Even the smallest babies need boundaries

Parents have asked, “My whole house is childproofed. Do I need to make a gated play space for my baby?” And my answer is yes, because babies aren’t as comfortable playing when they are in a very large area. They are distracted and overwhelmed by too much “freedom”, actually appreciate the security they feel within safe boundaries (although toddlers might test and seem to object to them). The younger the baby, the smaller the space needed to feel truly free to explore their world and learn. Very young infants have plenty of room to play in a crib or playpen.

5. Familiarity breeds learning

An interesting paradox about babies…they learn more from what they know than from what they don’t know.  Learning blossoms when babies have a predictable environment. They love to know the ropes.

I get a kick out of observing babies entering the RIE classroom each week with their parents. The first few times they come, they quietly take in this novel situation. Then you begin to see the spark of recognition in their eyes and maybe a smile. As the months pass, some of the children arrive and point out their favorite familiar things in the classroom, as if touching base. I’ll respond, “Yes, there’s that dog in the picture you always see here.” You can clearly see when they have gotten over the hump and begin to own the place, because they dive right in and begin exploring. If they’ve missed a week or two for whatever reason, it might take them a couple of classes to feel that sense of comfort again.

Parents who have returned from family trips often tell me how elated their toddlers are to be home, enjoying their safe play spaces again.

6. Babies learn more when their toys are doing less

Interestingly, they engage with passive, simple, open-ended toys and objects for much longer, too. And that reminds me…

A family in one of my classes allowed me to share a video of their son, and it happens to perfectly illustrate the infant learning secrets I’ve mentioned: trust in the infant as a self-learner, the comfort of boundaries and familiarity, sustained attention as a result of self-chosen activity, and the value of simple objects as creative learning tools.

Watch this 10 month old scientist focusing intently for over 8 minutes (but there’s no need to watch the whole thing to get the picture). Observe his attention to every detail as he explores his object’s properties and creates educational experiments that help him to better understand balance, mobility, gravity, velocity. Even more impressive to me than this baby actively learning is the atmosphere of trust his parents have provided. The belief they obviously have in their son and his abilities is what makes this depth of learning possible. 

(I love the way he checks out his hand in the beginning.)

Now, here’s a sampling of the “qualities of a good learner” that I found from a variety of sources on the web. Do any of these remind you of babies?

• passion for knowledge.
• remains focused on the subject matter at hand, and takes time to review the material until it is assimilated appropriately, or we might say until it is well ingrained.
• perseveres and does not become frustrated or discouraged when items are not easily understood at first.
• will realize that in many instances, learning is not always a spontaneous event, but something that is realized over a period of time.
• understands the importance of practice, practice, practice.
• actively participates.
• always tries.
• analyzes new information and contrasts it with what they already know.
• begins with being present–physically, mentally. Knows how he/she learns best and is creative.
• enjoys learning.
• has a personal interest in the subject matter.
• has active listening, thinks and responds.
• has frustrations and asks a lot of questions.
• is a good listener, loves what he/she is learning.
• is creative — able to challenge assumed knowledge.
• is enthusiastic about learning. You don’t have to be smart.
• is open to taking risks, exploring, playing. It’s more about the process than the product.
• is open-minded.
• is willing to work hard.
• never stops learning.
• very curious, aware and focused on his/her mission.
• tries to cultivate “beginner’s mind”. (Ha!)
]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/08/the-secrets-of-infant-learning/feed/ 19 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/07/i-cant-part-with-these-books/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/07/i-cant-part-with-these-books/#comments Wed, 20 Jul 2011 22:58:24 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=3913 As I was packing up mountains of ‘baby’ books from the shelves in my 9 year old son’s room recently, his 14 year old sister and I had a revelation. Several of these books (moved to his room years ago when both big sisters grew out of them) have become much, much more than just books to us. They’re part of our family lore. And they’re not going anywhere. We’re saving them for the precious memories…and the grandchildren.

It occurred to me that my family’s favorite stories might appeal to you, too. Truth be told, this is my list. These are books I never tired of reading, which may be at least part of the reason my children enjoyed them so much as well. As my acting teacher used to say, “If you are thinking it, the audience knows it,” and there is no more sensitive, aware audience than a young child.

First Year

Like most babies, mine liked Pat the Bunny and books with photos of animals, or babies doing fun stuff with their mommies and daddies. But earlier than I expected they also appreciated a narrative (even if told only through pictures), especially humorous ones like the “Max” books or atmospheric stories like Rain Talk. And these were also more enjoyable for me to read…

1. Max’s Breakfast, Max’s Bedtime, Max’s Birthday, Max’s Toys by Rosemary Wells



2. The Owl And The Pussycat by Edward Lear, illustrated by Jan Brett

3. The Furry Bedtime Book by Margo Lundell, illustrated by David McPhail

4. Wake Up Mr. B.! by Penny Dale

5. Rain Talk by Mary Serfozo

6. Good Dog, Carl, Carl Goes Shopping and Carl’s Masquerade by Alexandra Day

Second Year And Up

I don’t believe in ever pushing or rushing a child’s cognitive development, but I discovered that by exposing my children to both spoken language and books that were a little beyond their understanding, their language skills grew in leaps and bounds. I remember reading a long time ago (wish I could remember where) that mothers intuitively know how to extend a child’s vocabulary this way, adding increasingly difficult words to the conversation. (I imagine that the new breed of hands-on fathers do, too).

If children don’t comprehend a book enough to enjoy it (or just aren’t in the mood), they clearly indicate their disinterest. Mostly, my children astonished me by enjoying books that I would have thought were way beyond them.  So, when in doubt, try it!

You’re  probably already familiar with popular classics we loved like: The Complete Tales of Winnie The Pooh (great on audio CD, too), The Little Engine That Could, Peter Rabbit, The Ugly Duckling, Madeline, Paddington Bear, Yertle the Turtle and The Lorax, to name a few.

If I had to pick one children’s author for my hall of fame, it would be Arnold Lobel.  Second and third would be Russell Hoban (especially his Francis series) and Rosemary Wells. I’ve read their books a million times and it isn’t enough. They are eloquent, silly and smart, have the quirky humor and uplifting view of life that can cheer me at the end of dreary day, make me appreciate life again. If you haven’t yet discovered these books, you’re in for a treat.



Arnold Lobel favorites include Days With Frog And Toad (great on CD, too), and all the other Frog And Toad stories, Mouse Soup, Uncle Elephant, Owl At Home, Grasshopper on the Road

Russell Hoban’s Bedtime For Francis, A Baby Sister For Francis (great for new big brothers or sisters), Bread And Jam For Francis and Best Friends For Francis.

Rosemary Wells’ The Island Light and First Tomato (From her “Voyage to the Bunny Planet” series) and her Max and Ruby picture books, Bunny Money, Bunny Cakes and Max’s Dragon Shirt

Mommy Tear-Jerkers

I never once read these books without tearing up, which disturbed my children a little at first, but eventually they got used to me. If you need a good, happy kind of cry, these magical favorites might do the trick…

1. Roxaboxen by Alice McLerran and illustrated by Barbara Cooney (an all time personal favorite that kindles my childhood memories of playing “Town”).



2. I Love You The Purplest by Barbara M. Joosse (Great for siblings. Beautifully captures the feeling of loving more than one child.)

3. The Selfish Giant by Oscar Wilde

4. The Adventures of Taxi Dog

Speaking of dogs

If you love dogs like we do, you’ll get a kick out of the Henry and Mudge series by Cynthia Rylant, especially Henry and Mudge Get the Cold Shivers and Henry and Mudge and the Wild Wind. You’ll also like the hilarious Three More Stories You Can Read To Your Dog by Sara Swan Miller.

Kid’s choices

Each child is unique, of course, and though mine all appreciated these books when they were very small, their tastes soon diverged. When I recently asked, “What first books come to mind?” the 18 year old remembered classics she first read, Go Dog Go and Are You My Mother? The 9 year old surprised me by mentioning the rather obscure Ladybug At Orchard Avenue, and the 14 year old (biggest book lover in the family) said “Auntie Claus” and also insists on holding onto the entire Berenstain Bears series (which we really do have in its entirety). Interesting that many of the books that I know where extremely special to them when they were infants and toddlers they don’t seem to remember! Locked away in their unconscious, I suppose.

My children liked these… Me, not so much.

The Amelia Bedelia series and (though I feel blasphemous saying this) a couple of the Dr. Seuss books like The Sleep Book (it’s supposed to be monotonous, right?) and One Fish Two Fish were tough reads for me. I admit to surreptitiously skipping some pages.

Last, but not least

These two books would not be great favorites, except that they are responsible for experiences that I will never forget…

Silly Tilly’s Valentine by Lillian Hoban is the first short chapter book my middle daughter read all the way through, and I can still hear the jolly lilt in her voice. She was 4 ¾, sitting on the sofa in my bedroom while I lay in bed nursing her new baby brother. He was colicky and not a sleeper. I was overwhelmed, depressed, exhausted. Her moods had been shifting between showing empathy for me (and making touching, spirited attempts to cheer me up), excitement about her new brother, anger and grief over my lack of availability for her since the baby. In the midst of all of this she had been teaching herself to read and it was with Silly Tilly that I realized, Oh my gosh, she’s really reading!



Mr. McMouse is an odd little story and not my favorite book by Leo Leoni, but my son could never get enough of it. During his second year, he asked for it at every bed and naptime. Maybe he liked it because at the end this rather lost character (Timothy) becomes a hero after saving another mouse from being killed by a cat. The triumphant conclusion: “When finally the Headmouse called Spinny and Timothy to the speaker’s stand, there was thundering applause, for by now every mouse in the castle knew their story…”

When my son was almost 2 ½, his big sisters and I went to visit friends in England for a week and left him home with his dad. It was the longest period of time that I have ever left any of my children. I’m no good at it. I remember calling my husband from the car on the way home from the airport. I was beside myself with worry about our boy’s feelings during this long separation. My husband put our son on the phone and when I said “Hi Benny!” he replied in his sweet high-pitched voice, “Every mouse in the castle!”

Do you have a favorite book to share? Funny, now that I’ve written mine down, I think I might be able to part with a few of them.              

]]> http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/07/i-cant-part-with-these-books/feed/ 21 http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/parenting-without-the-labels/ http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/parenting-without-the-labels/#comments Mon, 27 Jun 2011 03:08:22 +0000 janet http://www.janetlansbury.com/?p=3772 Here’s an understatement: first-time parenting can be daunting. The overwhelming responsibility many of us feel to “get it right” motivates us to seek child care information and advice.  The good news there is that we’ve already proven we have the basic requirement for good parenting – we care enough to ask questions.

Then we discover the work of child care experts or methodologies like Attachment Parenting and the RIE approach that intrigue and inspire us. Or, maybe we’re influenced by friends and family who convince us that certain child care practices are “the way”.  Regardless, the advice we receive should support our instincts and intuition, while also being practical. It has to work for us and our baby, make our lives easier or at least less complicated.  Never is child-rearing advice meant to be adhered to so rigidly that it binds and blinds us, causes self-judgment and guilt (as if parents needed more reasons to feel those things). Nor should it interfere with the most valuable child care practice of all – tuning in to and understanding our babies in order to provide the individualized care they need.

I recently received a note from a mom who feels like a failure. Yet all I saw when I read this was that she is doing the most important thing — listening to her baby. I share her story because it illustrates some affirming lessons, primarily: ditch the guilt!

Dear Janet,

I came across your blog today, and I just wanted to say that I love it! As a new mom (my baby is now 1) there hasn’t been a day where I did not experience guilt at least once each day. I am one of those parents that attempted to follow the Attachment Parenting theories, but have pretty much failed miserably. I really appreciate what you have said about parents not feeling guilty.

I suppose my first failure was in babywearing. I tried to babywear with my daughter, but she just wasn’t interested in being confined like that. She liked me to hold her a lot, but she wanted to be able to get down and move at the drop of a hat. I’ve since given up on babywearing, but not without feeling like a failure. 

Though I breastfeed, I also don’t immediately pick her up when she falls or bumps her head and let her nurse. I generally don’t help her up either, because she gets it! And when she gets it, she looks so proud! She’s very independent. She’s so curious. And she doesn’t mind being put in the playpen for awhile. She’ll stay in there and play by herself for a good hour at a time. I am able to get lots done during that time. But I still feel so guilty. Don’t the good Attachment parents entertain and play with their babies all the time? I just don’t see how that can be done. She seems to like to explore and do things by herself. 

As for “crying it out” (I read a few articles that mentioned that) — I really hate that. I tried out those “no cry” sleep books. But I have allowed my baby to cry at bedtime a few times and feel like a failure as an Attachment parent. Every day that goes by, I just realize that I am not that kind of parent at all. Yet, I am not mainstream, either. (And why does “mainstream” have to be a dirty word?) Every day I just wish, “Why can’t I just be? Why can’t I just be….a parent?” 

I have noticed that crying hasn’t really bothered her, and she generally doesn’t do it for very long. In the past few months, we’ve tried the wait and see approach. I’ll admit, it’s so hard and drives me bonkers most of the time. But we’ve been doing it. 

I really just appreciate how you talk about parenting without guilt. I really wish I could do that! I don’t want to try to be an Attachment parent anymore. I don’t want to be mainstream. I don’t want to be instinctual, crunchy or (insert word here.) I just want to be a mom to my baby. 

Thank you for your words. And if you take the time to read this, thank you for listening to me vent!

Best wishes in all of your future endeavors.

Kristi K.

Here’s my advice to you, dear Kristi: Shake these trees of child care advice, research and wisdom. Gather what works and happily leave the rest.  Be your authentic self — the unique, evolving, imperfect human being your child needs to know, learn from, grow with, and may have even chosen (if you believe in those things as I do).  And keep following your excellent instincts to pay attention, to observe, wait, listen, and honor your daughter’s abilities. The one label none of us can lose is “instinctual,” and that’s a good thing.

Please share your impressions and experiences…

Photo by Perfecto Insecto on Flickr.

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