Hi Janet,

My wife Kristin mentioned that you might enjoy this little video of our 11 month old Siena doing some unique play.

A couple of things personally fascinate me about this activity of hers. She didn’t pick it up from anywhere; it just came out of nowhere. She truly enjoys it in the moment even if she has to take brief dizzy breaks. And there seems to be no particular functional skill she’s working on, no objects or external stimulation cues inspire her to spontaneously do this. She just needs a flat surface and goes at it for the joy in and of itself. It looks like a very pure example of “play” in my eyes. She’s actually gotten much faster and tighter spins since this video was taken. 

Regards,

Joe

Worth noting:

Honoring play

Siena freely expresses herself through play because her parents appreciate and respect her self-initiated activities. They allow her plenty of time each day to enjoy moving and playing independently. They don’t interrupt unnecessarily.

Cement

You might be thinking, “Yikes! She’s rolling around on cement pavement! Won’t she get hurt?” Interestingly, when we allow gross motor skills to develop naturally, provide plenty of time for babies to practice and don’t interfere, children can be trusted to know what they’re doing. Awareness is extremely high, both in terms of body awareness and awareness of the environment.

Not a milestone

Siena’s spinning won’t be found on any doctor’s checklist. This is no typical milestone — it’s one child’s unique discovery — and that’s the beauty of it. Children need our appreciation and encouragement for their creative choices, which for babies usually means the way they choose to move. When we focus on milestones we miss the magic.

I’m really glad that Joe and Kristin documented this, because chances are this stage will disappear, as most transitional moves do. Siena probably won’t be spinning once she starts walking, unless, of course, she does end up a break-dancer…and I wouldn’t put that past her.

Does your baby have unique moves? I’d love to hear about them…

Kristin, Joe and Siena, thanks so much for allowing me to share your video (and photo, above). You all ROCK!

(Kristin shares exquisite handmade accessories “to have, to hold and to wear” on her site Petal and Thorn)

Please join HandinHand Parenting founder Patty Wipfler and me on Thursday, January 19, 2012, 6:00-7:00 PM (PST) for our free teleseminar “Play That Builds Resilient Kids”.  Click HERE for more information and to register.

Perhaps this will be the year that babies are finally acknowledged as uniquely capable, full-fledged people. Maybe parents and caregivers will realize that babies are born knowing something about their development and can be trusted to demonstrate readiness for developmental milestones by “doing them”.

If we believe in babies, then we give them opportunities to show us what they’re working on, and they’ll do the rest. This begins with allowing infants plenty of time to move their bodies freely and naturally and trusting them to direct their motor development.

So, I’m rolling in the New Year by sharing some inspiration. In the following video, a 4 month old infant demonstrates a wide array of movements and positions on her way to tummy time, none of which would be possible if she were propped up to sit, contained in a walker, seat or carrier, or placed on her tummy.  She is determined, but relaxed, engaged, content, a joyful explorer stopping to gaze at things that catch her eye, examine her hands and taste her thumb. Tummy time is just another interesting discovery, self-chosen and stress-free. Nothing could be more natural. This certainly bodes well for a lifelong love of learning…

I wish doctors had enough time to be able to observe how a baby is moving naturally, to share these observations with parents, and to point out to the parents how competent a baby is at any stage of development. This might help the parents to observe and appreciate what the child is capable of doing and to stop worrying and pushing toward the next milestone, for which the baby may not yet be ready. –Magda Gerber

In the New Year (and always), may the time you’re blessed to spend with babies be joyful and inspiring. Cheers!

(Thank you to Sarah, Nathan and Juliet for this beautiful video!)

In his book Escape From Childhood, educator John Holt relates a “most embarrassing moment” shared with him by a friend. The friend was walking in a department store behind two little boys when “feeling affectionate and mischievous, she put a fingertip on each boy’s head. In an instant, two furious adult faces looked up at her, and in a harsh, high, but adult voice, one of them said, ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’”

It wasn’t until many years later that it occurred to Holt that his friend’s embarrassing story belied a common and unfortunate perception – that it would have been okay to touch these men of short stature had they been children, even though she didn’t know them from Adam.

Is it our well-meaning perception of children as cute and adorable that causes us to treat them less respectfully than we would another adult?  Is every child’s round head ours to touch? Are babies ours to pick up and hold; their cheeks ours to pinch?

I’m reminded of Magda Gerber’s wise words, “Much harm has been done in the name of love, but no harm can be done in the name of respect.”

Our love and affection for children is a positive thing, but if we don’t make the conscious effort to respect first, these positive feelings can lead us to treat children in demeaning, diminishing ways.

Not Just Cute, the expressive title of Amanda Morgan’s engaging parenting website says it all. Puppies, kittens and dolls might be cute, but our children need to know from the beginning that they are far more than that in our eyes. Even our babies need us to consider them ‘serious’ people. As Holt writes, “[Children] are not at all sentimental about their littleness. They would rather be big than little, and they want to get big as soon as they can.”

‘Cute’ isn’t a word to be abolished from our vocabulary. It has its purposes. For one, I feel much more comfortable calling someone of the opposite sex “cute” than “hot” (as my teenagers might). But “cute” spills out of me much more than I’d like, especially with young children. Our little ones can be so delightful and charming that it’s challenging to compose ourselves.  This is yet another parenting challenge, but a worthy one: taking care not to minimize, weaken and lessen those who most need our empowerment.

Here are some instances when our children should definitely not be perceived as cute…

1. When they’re upset

Has anyone ever told you, “You’re cute when you’re angry”? Perhaps this only happened in 1940’s movies, but don’t tell me it wouldn’t enrage you if it did! And yet, situations like the one John Holt describes in this passage happen all the time…

“One afternoon I was with several hundred people in an auditorium of a junior college when we heard outside the building the passionate wail of a small child. Almost everyone smiled, chuckled, or laughed. Perhaps there was something legitimately comic in the fact that one child should, and without even trying, be able to interrupt the supposedly important thoughts and words of all these adults. But beyond this was something else: the belief that the feelings, pains and passions of children were not real, not to be taken seriously. If we had heard outside the building the voice of an adult crying in pain, anger, or sorrow, we would not have smiled or laughed but would have been frozen in wonder and terror.”

2. When they express kindness, generosity, love and affection

As hard as it is for some of us not to say an adoring “Awww!” when a baby holds hands with another, a toddler hugs his friend or hands another child a toy, it’s important that we try to restrain ourselves. Yes, these exquisite moments are the good stuff of parenting, rewards that we should enjoy and celebrate. But it’s safer to do so quietly, especially if the child isn’t looking our way.  Our exuberant expressions of appreciation distract and turn the child’s authentic act into a little performance. These acts become a way to garner our positive attention, which can then become the sole motivation for them.

Our perception of children as cute ends up interfering with their intrinsic motivation.  Children might be encouraged to take on the “cute” identity and become unconsciously motivated to exploit it…

“A cute child soon learns to do almost everything she or he does, at least around adults, to get an effect.  Such children become self-conscious, artful, calculating, manipulative. They pay more and more attention to how they appear in the eyes of others. I often see such simpering, mincing, cutesy-smiling, fake-laughing children with adults in public places. They become specialists in human relations, which they see more and more as a kind of contest to see who can get the most out of others.” -Holt

3. When they are focused, determined, brave or trying to do new things

“I used to think the clumsiness of infants learning to walk was cute. Now I watch in a different spirit. Although there is nothing cute about clumsiness – any more than littleness – there is something very appealing and exciting about watching children just learning to walk.  They do it so badly, it is so clearly difficult, and in the child’s terms may even be dangerous.  Most adults, even many older children, would instantly stop trying to do anything that they did as badly as new walkers do their walking. But infants just keep on. They are so determined, they’re working so hard and they’re so excited that learning t o walk is not just an effort and struggle but a joyous adventure.” –Holt

These qualities in children aren’t cute — they’re inspiring. And the upside (for me, at least) is that children who are used to being respected won’t buy anything less. They see through the “cute” treatment and feel only distrust for the person offering it — knowing beyond all doubt that they are much, much more.

(If you’d like to read more of John Holt’s essay “The Cuteness Syndrome”, a slightly different version of the latter part has been reprinted here: The Natural Child Project) 

Photo by Jude Keith Rose

So when a mom from one of my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes (in which we strongly advise and encourage natural gross motor development) sent me a video of her 15 month old skillfully mastering this piece of equipment, my response after blinking several times was you’ve got to be kidding. This video is a brilliant illustration of the benefits of not teaching, restricting or otherwise interfering with the development of motor skills…

Hi Janet,

I’ve missed being at your class but R. is really getting great at enjoying his independent play.  He can walk to his room and play while we get ready for work sometimes.  And can definitely occupy himself in the living room for a few minutes while I’m making breakfast.

Anyway, I know you know that R. has always been very into climbing.  Every Wednesday I take him to a park that has a good toddler size slide/jungle gym.  Two weeks ago he tried climbing up this blue ladder and I spotted him all the way up.  He took pause and I was able to just tell him where to put his hand and he made it all the way up on his own.  I was so excited for him! And this week he tried it again a few times and I had Brad take a video I thought you might like to see.

Have a great week!
Thanks,
Margaret

Note that this boy is not only physically fearless and able, he is also relaxed, focused, centered, aware and confident. This is the result of being allowed to develop naturally, in accordance with his inborn timetable, which means…

1. His parents have basic trust in him as a competent, capable person.  They observe his play sensitively (but not fearfully) and are nearby to spot (without touching him) when he’s attempting new skills.

2. He has had plenty of time each day to move freely, independently and unassisted since he was born, beginning on his back. Time spent in restrictive devices like car seats, strollers, carriers, infant seats, swings, jumpers and walkers has been minimal or not at all.

3. He hasn’t been taught or “helped” to sit, stand or walk. His parents and caregivers don’t position him, hold his hands to aid him up and down steps; place him on or take him down from furniture or other equipment.  They trust that if he can climb up independently, he can also get down independently with spotting and a bit of vocal direction and encouragement (if he seems to need it).

4. Though carefully spotted, he’s given the space, time and freedom to discover his own way of doing things whenever possible. For example, babies usually choose to go down steps head first.

5. He’s allowed to choose play activities and repeat them as much as he likes. He’s trusted to be inner-directed — know exactly what he’s working on, demonstrate readiness by doing it. Whether what he chooses to do seems like a lot or a little, it’s always enough in his parents’ eyes.

“Every baby moves with more ease and efficiency if allowed to do it at his own time and in his own way, without our trying to teach him. A child who has always been allowed to move freely develops not only an agile body but also good judgment about what he can and cannot do.” - Magda Gerber

“It turns out nature has a plan, and it’s a good one.  …gross motor abilities will unfold before our eyes- no adult help or intervention needed.” -Lisa Sunbury, No Tummy Time Necessary 

Looking forward to hearing your impressions!

(Photo by Victor Bezrukov on Flickr)

 Acknowledge.

Before you tell your child that it’s time to leave the park, or remind him that the really cool truck he’s examining has to stay at the store, acknowledge his point of view. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and wishes, even if they seem ridiculous, irrational, self-centered or wrong. This is not the same as agreeing, and is definitely not indulgent or allowing an undesirable behavior.

Acknowledgement isn’t condoning our child’s actions; it’s validating the feelings behind them. It’s a simple, profound way to reflect our child’s experience and inner self. It demonstrates our understanding and acceptance. It sends a powerful, affirming message… Every thought, desire, feeling — every expression of your mind, body and heart — is perfectly acceptable, appropriate and lovable. 

Acknowledging is simple, but it isn’t easy. It’s counter-intuitive for most of us, even when we’ve done it thousands of times. Won’t acknowledging our child’s wishes make matters worse? Won’t saying “I know how much you want an ice cream cone like the one your friend has and it does look yummy, but we won’t be having dessert until later” make our toddler hold on to the idea longer, cry harder? Wouldn’t it be better to dismiss or downplay the child’s feelings, distract, redirect or say:”Oh, sweetie, not now”?

Our fears about an honest acknowledgement of the situation “making things worse” are almost always unfounded. Feeling heard and understood allows children to release the feelings, let go and move on. Here are more reasons that acknowledging our child’s truth is worth the conscious effort it takes…

1. Acknowledging can stop tears and tantrums in their tracks.

I have witnessed this many, many times. Whether a child is upset about an injury, a disagreement with another child or anger over a conflict with a parent, acknowledging to the child what happened or that he is hurt, frustrated or angry can miraculously ease the pain. Feeling understood is a powerful thing.

2. Acknowledging, instead of judging or “fixing”, fosters trust and encourages children to keep sharing their feelings.

Parents and caregivers have an enormous influence, and their responses have an impact on young children. If, for example, we try to calm children by assuring them that there’s no need to be upset or worried about something that’s troubling them, they may become less inclined to express their feelings. If our goal is our child’s emotional health and keeping the door of communication open – just acknowledging is the best policy. “Daddy left and you are sad.”

I was reminded of this recently when one of my teenage daughters shared her anger and heartbreak over a long time best friend’s lies and betrayal. How hard it was not tell her that this friend is flawed and that my daughter deserves so much better!  How hard it was to just listen and acknowledge the hurt and disappointment. As painful as this experience was for me, I treasure it, because my daughter trusted me with her innermost feelings. I’ll do all in my power to encourage her to share with me again. (My daughter ended up resuming her relationship with her long adored friend, having noted her limitations.) 

3. Acknowledging informs, encourages language development and emotional intelligence.

Children gain clarity about their feelings and desires when we verbally reflect them. But don’t state the feeling unless you’re sure. It’s safer to use the words “upset” or “bothered” rather than jumping to “scared”, “angry”, etc. When in doubt, you might ask, “Did it make you mad when Joey wouldn’t let you use his blocks?” “Did the dog’s bark frighten you or just surprise you?”

An added benefit: talking to babies, toddlers, children of all ages about these “real things” happening to them is the most powerful, meaningful and natural way for them to learn language.

4. Acknowledging illuminates, helps us understand and empathize.

To state our child’s point of view, we have to first see it, so acknowledging helps to give us clarity.  When we say, “You want me to keep playing this fun game with you, but I’m too tired”, we are encouraged to empathize with our child’s point-of-view (and he ours).

Acknowledging the situation and asking questions (especially when we don’t know the reason our child is upset) can help us to unravel the mystery. “You’re upset and look uncomfortable. You just ate, your diaper is dry. Maybe you need to burp? Okay, I’m going to pick you up.” 

5. Acknowledging struggles might be all the encouragement your child needs to carry on.

This is another scenario in which a simple acknowledgement can work like magic. Rather than saying, “you can do it!”, which can create pressure and set the child up to believe he disappoints us, try saying, “You are working very hard, and you’re making progress. That is tough to do. It’s frustrating, isn’t it?”

6. Acknowledgements instead of praise help children stay inner-directed.

This is as simple as containing our impulse to cheer loudly or say “good job!”, and instead smiling and reflecting, “You pulled the plastic beads apart. That was really hard.”

“Let your child’s inner joy be self-motivating. You can smile and express your genuine feelings but should refrain from giving excessive compliments, clapping your hands, and making a big fuss. If you do this, your child starts seeking satisfaction from external sources. She can get hooked on praise, becoming a performer seeking applause instead of an explorer. Praise also disrupts and interrupts a child’s learning process. She stops what she’s doing and focuses on you, sometimes not returning to the activity.” –Magda Gerber, Your Self-Confident Baby

7. Acknowledging proves that we are paying attention, makes a child feel understood, accepted, deeply loved and supported.

Could there be any better reason to give it a try?

“People will forget what you said; People will forget what you did.
But people will never forget how you made them feel.” -Maya Angelou

“We all need someone who understands.” –Magda Gerber

(Photo by girlwiththecamera on Fickr)

In A Creative Alternative To Baby TV Time, I speculated that parents desperately need breaks from the 24/7 job of baby care, especially in those first years (been there!). Sometimes TV can seem the easiest or only answer. The majority of these parents must not be aware that there is a healthier, safer way that’s guaranteed to have a positive impact on their baby’s developing brain…

Independent play keeps babies safely occupied, while also providing an essential developmental opportunity. Not only is inner-directed and uninterrupted play a profoundly educational, therapeutic, creative (the list goes on) activity for babies, it’s also the key to raising a child capable of self-entertainment. Provided with safe places to play, these babies have no need for TV.

The American Academy of Pediatrics corroborated these statements when it (all too briefly) mentioned a viable alternative to TV use in its recent update to recommendations for children under 2: leave the baby to play alone. Unfortunately, they neglected to include the most important element of solo play: a 100% safe, gated off area. Parents listening to the report might have been imagining their babies wandering around the house while they went to the bathroom and thinking, ‘no way am I going to do that!’ Nor should they.

Establishing the play ‘habit’ takes a bit more thought and conscious effort in the beginning than does plunking a baby in front of TV. It’s worth it, though, and I can’t imagine a better description of the process than the account and video sent to me by Kerry, a mum from New Zealand…

I’m so happy I’ve persevered with uninterrupted play. I can definitely see the results now. My baby is very content to explore his environment.

The biggest thing for me was TRUST – trusting him to move just the way he needs to, trusting him to spend his time doing what is most relevant to his learning, trusting him to let me know when he needs me. By doing this I have got more and more enjoyment out of observing him and I think we both get more satisfaction out of each small achievement.  It’s like watching life unfold.

I’ve also found it’s almost about going *against* your instincts – to not rattle a toy in his face when he’s day dreaming, to not help him straight away when he’s stuck or frustrated, to not ‘teach’ him how to reach his next milestone.  When he’s playing, he’s being, and by respecting that he’s learnt to love his time on the floor.

Kobe is my ‘proof’ that babies move through physical milestones naturally without the need for adult intervention or teaching. He has found his hands and feet, reached for toys, rolled one way, rolled the other, rolled back, turned in a circle, and I didn’t teach him a thing!

So that’s a couple things, otherwise I always place him on his back first, don’t use any equipment that restricts movement, give him opportunities to play every time he’s awake, give him full attention during care moments, leave the room sometimes when he’s settled and playing (always tell him I’ll be back in 1 minute), acknowledge eye-contact and any frustrations, and make time for interactive play time too (lots of cuddles and singing etc.). 

(Kerry mentioned that she accidentally erased the sound from this video, so we’re unable to hear Kobe reciting Shakespeare’s Sonnet 30 while he plays.)

P.S. Kobe has just started daycare and the teachers have commented on his agility and confidence in his movements, his ability to self-soothe and the way he anticipates and responds to adult’s actions…. I’m such proud mum!

Thank you, Kerry!

Kerry is an early childhood teacher in New Zealand and began working in a nursery 2 years ago which sparked her passion for respectful care and the RIE philosophy.  Since having Kobe 6 months ago she has been privileged to put into practice all she’s learnt and is amazed everyday at Kobe’s attentiveness, confidence and grace

Eva, the 15 month old toddler who captivated and inspired in Don’t Cramp Your Toddler’s Style recently provided her mom Tracy another powerful lesson in trust…

Janet,

I have to share this story with you.  Yet another example of what RIE parenting contributes to. Had I interrupted, tried to fix her feelings, or said, “Don’t touch that snail!” I would have missed the most beautiful moment!

A few days ago, Eva and I watched a big snail crawl up a wall in the sun.  She loved the snail and kept petting him.  At one point she tried to lick the slug, to which I said, “Let’s wait before we start eating escargot.”

Yesterday we went on one of our typical afternoon excursions.   I happened to have my camera with me, because Aunt Laura had sent Eva a cute dress and I wanted her to see her in it.   Eva opened our blue door and was on her way.    As we descended the stairs, Eva suddenly came upon a crushed snail.  When she saw the poor guy, she immediately got upset.  To my surprise, she went over to the flower garden next to him and picked out a few flowers.  She sat down next to the snail, still upset.  Then, she put the flower on the snail.  After his small burial, she walked back home her normal, happy self.

She was so cute and dear, I couldn’t believe it!  I was sad to see her upset, but realized she was having her own little process about the snail.  Watching her reminded me to be aware of others and keep an open and empathetic heart!  I just had to share!

Trace and Eva

“Accept the feelings of your baby, positive as well as negative” -Gerber

As the result of being encouraged by her parents to experience the world on her terms as much as possible – supported to be herself – Eva is able to demonstrate her astonishing capacity for empathy, grace, and respect for life.

“At RIE we encourage parents to learn to quiet down, to sit peacefully, to observe and to allow babies to be real. …And as we get sensitized and skilled in the art of observing, we may try the greatest challenge: to look inside – to see, observe and learn about ourselves.” -Gerber

It was late in the day, and the parents were beginning to arrive. The boy’s mother was one of the first. She picked up her boy and as she was leaving, stopped to say to the director, “Oh, I forgot to tell you this morning that poor Johnny had to have an enema at the doctor’s yesterday. He didn’t like it at all.” 

Zillions of studies prove the awesome benefits of play, and as Magda’s experience illustrates, one of the most profound is its use as a natural and powerful self-therapy tool. Children use play instinctively to process both environmental stress and inner-conflict. Play therapy helps them to make sense of confusing and bothersome events they might have been exposed to, eases worry and fear.  It’s especially valuable in the early years, before children can verbalize their feelings. Children “play out” disturbing feelings when they can’t tell us what’s wrong or ask us “What’s that?” or “Why?”

To encourage play therapy…

1. Let go of judgment, expectations and play agendas

Let play belong to your child. Rather than interfere as the director in Magda’s example did (interesting that the boy persisted anyway), allow your child to be playwright, director and lead actor when he plays. Relegate yourself to set design by creating a safe, enriching environment with open-ended, simple toys and objects where your baby can explore and experiment. Then let him mess it up and redesign as he wishes.  Never interrupt unnecessarily.

 2. Take it outdoors whenever possible

Create a safe, enclosed outdoor play space with a chair and table nearby where you can relax (and maybe even do a little work) while you baby enjoys the enhanced therapeutic benefits of fresh air and nature. When the weather cooperates, move your life outdoors. Your children will sleep better, play better and even eat better. As a friend of mine once noted, “Food tastes better outside.”

3. Nurture the self-directed play habit

Play is a natural inclination for babies and they love it, but it’s up to us to begin the habit – to make it an essential part of their day. Young infants can (and will) let us know when they need to be held, but it is nearly impossible for a months-old baby to indicate “I’d like a little time to move freely and do what I want”.  And doing what I want is the key to play therapy.

Begin by placing an infant on her back and observing her response. If the baby complains tell her you hear her, ask her what she needs and if she wants to be picked up. Don’t jump the gun. Sometimes, like all of us, a baby just wants us to listen and try to understand. Brief episodes of this kind of “play” in which your baby might look around, stretch and twist, experiment with the workings of her limbs and study her fascinating hands will extend into longer periods. Your baby’s self-directed play soon becomes the highlight of your day together.

4. Watch, learn and appreciate

Most therapeutic play is far less obvious than the example of the boy and the spoon, especially before children are able to talk. Usually it’s below the radar, undetectable to us. We’re left wondering what our babies might be processing, if anything. And that will remain a mystery. But since birth itself is stressful, even the youngest infants could conceivably have issues to work through. Honing our observation skills helps us detect the more subtle examples.

In a recent class, a 16 month old toddler did something I’ve never seen before. She recently became a big sister and was separated from her mother for several days due to complications during the birth. 

We have a row of three large wooden boxes in the RIE playroom. One of them has a round hole cut out at the top. This little girl took the largest baby doll and managed to push it down through the hole, which wasn’t easy. And she did it again. And again. And again. Hmmm…

From early infancy onward there will be occasional moments when two children connect — play “together” – for a few moments, rather than alone or side by side as they usually do. This begins to happen more often toward the end of the second year and into the third. (Our classes generally end when the children are 2 ½ to 3 years old.)  “Together” play might begin as an exploration of another infant’s face, hair or body and evolve into giving and/or taking toys, imitation of one another’s activity, or a spontaneous game of chase. Very occasionally, I see toddlers playing in a cooperative manner – for example, stacking blocks or working on a puzzle together. It’s usually the older toddlers and lasts only a minute or two.

So when I spotted these 1 year olds (!) playing cooperatively and peacefully, and it continued, I was thrilled to have my camera handy. These babies played together for a whopping 7 minutes (though I’ve edited this video to 1 ½ minutes to show just some highlights.)  Just thinking about this scene fills me with hope (for future UN delegates, among other things).

Cooperative play is possible when we…

Trust babies to self-direct play and interact freely. Adults shouldn’t nudge them to play together (or even give them play suggestions), insist they “share”, play “nicely”, “take turns” or “give the toy back”. Stay out of their way, observe attentively and intervene only if a child might hurt another. Allow children to resolve minor conflicts (over toys, etc.)

Model gentleness and patience when we need to intervene, rather than scolding, blaming, separating babies, reacting angrily (Here’s a great video example)

Provide social opportunities in familiar play environments when possible (same place, same people, same rules, similar time of day)

Make it a safe play space so that children feel secure and interruptions for safety reasons are rare.

Perceive babies as whole people – capable, valued citizens of the world, talk to and treat them as such. Model empathy and generosity.

“Children raised with respect and inner direction tend to play well in groups, at times quite peacefully, each involved in her own project or involved with the other chidren.” -Magda Gerber

“When we adults think of children, there is a simple truth which we ignore: childhood is not preparation for life; childhood is life. A child isn’t getting ready to live; a child is living. …we have forgotten, if indeed we ever knew, that a child is an active participating and contributing member of society from the time he is born. Childhood isn’t a time when he is molded into a human who will then live life; he is a human who is living life.” -Professor T. Ripaldi

“When we make a child share, it is not sharing.” -Gerber

Imagine you and the grandparents are taking your 14-month-old to the beach for the very first time. For days you’ve all been enjoying fantasies about how you’ll share the magic with your baby: making sand castles, finding shells, sitting under an umbrella with a yummy picnic lunch, holding her hand and wading in the ocean together. But then you get there and your toddler chooses to do something surprising and a little bit odd — it throws you for a loop. She’s in no danger, isn’t bothering anyone and is obviously following her desires, but you worry… Is it okay? Should I try to engage her in the activities I’ve planned or just let her be (and if so, for how long?).

Infant specialist Magda Gerber would strongly encourage you to let go of your expectations and agenda, relax, trust, keep an open mind and enjoy your baby’s play, allowing her to continue her self-chosen activity for as long as you can. She’d suggest you take advantage of the opportunity to join her on this child-led adventure (which Magda referred to as “wants nothing” quality time).

“Most of us are used to, and conditioned to doing something. “Wants nothing” time is different, more a time for taking in and waiting. We fully accept the infants’ beingness just by our own receptive beingness. Our presence is telling the child that we are really there and aware.”  -Magda Gerber

Self-directed play encourages toddlers to be independent thinkers and learners, allows for creative exploration and self-expression, and often serves as play therapy since our babies instinctively know what they’re working on (or working through). Honoring our child’s choices rather than imposing our own validates more than any amount of praise and adulation ever could.

Here’s the vivid example that inspired this post, sent to me by a mom in my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class after she returned from a late summer vacation…

Janet,

I just have to share these pictures with you. To everyone’s amazement, Eva just kept lying down on the sand! She would just lie there and hang out by herself. My parents were sort of shocked and like…’what is she doing?’ I was thinking Magda would be proud and that her actions were a testament to what I’ve learned at RIE…just to let her be her!

xoxox

Tracy 

“This is a free-flowing space in which the child should not feel he has to perform, because the parent is not sending out the kind of demanding messages that say, “I am here now, what shall we do?” –Magda Gerber

“If the infant seems to ignore you and is doing something completely on his own, don’t leave.  It is very comforting for him to know you are there, really there, without any pressure to have to do something to keep your attention.” –Gerber 

“Do less, enjoy more.” -Gerber

“In play, there’s no time.” –Flinsch

(Besides being an exceptional mom, Tracy is an uber-talented artist and “exercise innovator“)