In A Creative Alternative To Baby TV Time, I speculated that parents desperately need breaks from the 24/7 job of baby care, especially in those first years (been there!). Sometimes TV can seem the easiest or only answer. The majority of these parents must not be aware that there is a healthier, safer way that’s guaranteed to have a positive impact on their baby’s developing brain…

Independent play keeps babies safely occupied, while also providing an essential developmental opportunity. Not only is inner-directed and uninterrupted play a profoundly educational, therapeutic, creative (the list goes on) activity for babies, it’s also the key to raising a child capable of self-entertainment. Provided with safe places to play, these babies have no need for TV.

The American Academy of Pediatrics corroborated these statements when it (all too briefly) mentioned a viable alternative to TV use in its recent update to recommendations for children under 2: leave the baby to play alone. Unfortunately, they neglected to include the most important element of solo play: a 100% safe, gated off area. Parents listening to the report might have been imagining their babies wandering around the house while they went to the bathroom and thinking, ‘no way am I going to do that!’ Nor should they.

Establishing the play ‘habit’ takes a bit more thought and conscious effort in the beginning than does plunking a baby in front of TV. It’s worth it, though, and I can’t imagine a better description of the process than the account and video sent to me by Kerry, a mum from New Zealand…

I’m so happy I’ve persevered with uninterrupted play. I can definitely see the results now. My baby is very content to explore his environment.

The biggest thing for me was TRUST – trusting him to move just the way he needs to, trusting him to spend his time doing what is most relevant to his learning, trusting him to let me know when he needs me. By doing this I have got more and more enjoyment out of observing him and I think we both get more satisfaction out of each small achievement.  It’s like watching life unfold.

I’ve also found it’s almost about going *against* your instincts – to not rattle a toy in his face when he’s day dreaming, to not help him straight away when he’s stuck or frustrated, to not ‘teach’ him how to reach his next milestone.  When he’s playing, he’s being, and by respecting that he’s learnt to love his time on the floor.

Kobe is my ‘proof’ that babies move through physical milestones naturally without the need for adult intervention or teaching. He has found his hands and feet, reached for toys, rolled one way, rolled the other, rolled back, turned in a circle, and I didn’t teach him a thing!

So that’s a couple things, otherwise I always place him on his back first, don’t use any equipment that restricts movement, give him opportunities to play every time he’s awake, give him full attention during care moments, leave the room sometimes when he’s settled and playing (always tell him I’ll be back in 1 minute), acknowledge eye-contact and any frustrations, and make time for interactive play time too (lots of cuddles and singing etc.). 

(Kerry mentioned that she accidentally erased the sound from this video, so we’re unable to hear Kobe reciting Shakespeare’s Sonnet 30 while he plays.)

P.S. Kobe has just started daycare and the teachers have commented on his agility and confidence in his movements, his ability to self-soothe and the way he anticipates and responds to adult’s actions…. I’m such proud mum!

Thank you, Kerry!

Kerry is an early childhood teacher in New Zealand and began working in a nursery 2 years ago which sparked her passion for respectful care and the RIE philosophy.  Since having Kobe 6 months ago she has been privileged to put into practice all she’s learnt and is amazed everyday at Kobe’s attentiveness, confidence and grace

It was late in the day, and the parents were beginning to arrive. The boy’s mother was one of the first. She picked up her boy and as she was leaving, stopped to say to the director, “Oh, I forgot to tell you this morning that poor Johnny had to have an enema at the doctor’s yesterday. He didn’t like it at all.” 

Zillions of studies prove the awesome benefits of play, and as Magda’s experience illustrates, one of the most profound is its use as a natural and powerful self-therapy tool. Children use play instinctively to process both environmental stress and inner-conflict. Play therapy helps them to make sense of confusing and bothersome events they might have been exposed to, eases worry and fear.  It’s especially valuable in the early years, before children can verbalize their feelings. Children “play out” disturbing feelings when they can’t tell us what’s wrong or ask us “What’s that?” or “Why?”

To encourage play therapy…

1. Let go of judgment, expectations and play agendas

Let play belong to your child. Rather than interfere as the director in Magda’s example did (interesting that the boy persisted anyway), allow your child to be playwright, director and lead actor when he plays. Relegate yourself to set design by creating a safe, enriching environment with open-ended, simple toys and objects where your baby can explore and experiment. Then let him mess it up and redesign as he wishes.  Never interrupt unnecessarily.

 2. Take it outdoors whenever possible

Create a safe, enclosed outdoor play space with a chair and table nearby where you can relax (and maybe even do a little work) while you baby enjoys the enhanced therapeutic benefits of fresh air and nature. When the weather cooperates, move your life outdoors. Your children will sleep better, play better and even eat better. As a friend of mine once noted, “Food tastes better outside.”

3. Nurture the self-directed play habit

Play is a natural inclination for babies and they love it, but it’s up to us to begin the habit – to make it an essential part of their day. Young infants can (and will) let us know when they need to be held, but it is nearly impossible for a months-old baby to indicate “I’d like a little time to move freely and do what I want”.  And doing what I want is the key to play therapy.

Begin by placing an infant on her back and observing her response. If the baby complains tell her you hear her, ask her what she needs and if she wants to be picked up. Don’t jump the gun. Sometimes, like all of us, a baby just wants us to listen and try to understand. Brief episodes of this kind of “play” in which your baby might look around, stretch and twist, experiment with the workings of her limbs and study her fascinating hands will extend into longer periods. Your baby’s self-directed play soon becomes the highlight of your day together.

4. Watch, learn and appreciate

Most therapeutic play is far less obvious than the example of the boy and the spoon, especially before children are able to talk. Usually it’s below the radar, undetectable to us. We’re left wondering what our babies might be processing, if anything. And that will remain a mystery. But since birth itself is stressful, even the youngest infants could conceivably have issues to work through. Honing our observation skills helps us detect the more subtle examples.

In a recent class, a 16 month old toddler did something I’ve never seen before. She recently became a big sister and was separated from her mother for several days due to complications during the birth. 

We have a row of three large wooden boxes in the RIE playroom. One of them has a round hole cut out at the top. This little girl took the largest baby doll and managed to push it down through the hole, which wasn’t easy. And she did it again. And again. And again. Hmmm…

Far more exciting and productive is the definition of genius that educator Rick Ackerly ascribes to in an engaging, inspiring and informative book I highly recommend, The Genius In Children. His perception of  genius: “…a great science teacher I know called it ‘the teacher within,’ and we all have it. According to James Hillman and Thomas Moore, it goes by many names: soul, muse, calling, psyche, and destiny. It is the you that is becoming. It is our inner author and the source of our authority in the world.”

Recognizing genius as our child’s unique essence leads us to approach parenting as an opportunity to discover, explore and encourage this “teacher within.” The sparks are already there. Our job is to figure out how and when to stoke the flames, and when to let them be. Mostly, it’s about letting them be.

We kindle genius by fostering our child’s innate desire to explore and experience her world independently whenever possible. What begins when an infant has the opportunity to choose to spend a few moments gazing peacefully at patterns of light on a wall, clouds in the sky, or a crack in the ceiling later becomes a toddler discovering a unique use for a puzzle – stacking the pieces instead of fitting them — no one interrupting to show him what he ‘should’ be doing.

Here are more ways to encourage genius…

Make boredom a friend, not an enemy.

Offering our children crafts, art projects and science kits, games and other activities, entertaining them with songs, books and outings encourages creativity (and can be precious time together), but our children are most creative and expressive when they come up with ideas all on their own. And although creative ideas sometimes come to us while we’re busy, they usually materialize in a relaxed, but not always comfortable, “bored” state in between activities. If adult-initiated activities are too close together, or passive entertainment like TV is always on hand to fill the void, children don’t have enough “blank” time and brain space to hone their inventive powers.

Infant specialist Magda Gerber didn’t believe it possible for babies to be bored unless they were conditioned to rely on entertainment and stimulation. She believed that what parents perceive as boredom is usually tiredness or other discomfort (and I’ve found this to be the case with my own children) and should be responded to as such. She taught parents to provide a fertile ground for creativity by 1) providing plenty of time for uninterrupted, independent play each day with simple, versatile, open-ended toys and materials; and 2) turning off the TV, at least for the first few years.

Less is more creative — thinking inside the box.

I recently had the pleasure of lunch with a highly creative couple, Lilly Bright and Evan Cole, RIE parents with a young toddler.  The conversation soon turned to one of my favorite subjects, children and play. Evan shared memories of a childhood mostly spent at his father’s pharmacy occupying himself for hours with nothing but empty boxes. When I asked if he thought there was a link between his rather minimalist, but highly imaginative childhood play experiences and his career choices, Evan (creator of two hugely successful home design stores) admitted, “I like making something out of nothing.”

I’m certainly not advocating doing away with toys. But our fascinating human tendency to create more and engage longer with less is something to keep in mind. The water balloon “babies” my sisters spent hours imagining stories with in the neighbor’s pool; the games like “Shoes”, one of many my sisters and I invented, which entailed struggling to be the first to find a matching pair of shoes among those hidden in my mother’s bedroom in the dark; the rolls of craft paper an artist acquaintance described entertaining herself with all day as a child, not just creating paintings and drawings, but making hats, skirts and scarves… These are all examples of genius at work.

Wait (the hardest part).

Encouraging genius means trusting, which often means waiting instead of directing, helping or teaching — waiting for the few moments of griping a “bored” baby has before he switches gears and finds something new to engage his interest; waiting while our toddler repeatedly attempts to climb up and down the porch step, allowing him to discover how to do it rather than showing him. It’s waiting for an older child to express an interest in tennis lessons before we sign him up. When we go ahead and make decisions for our children in these situations, we risk taking their attention away from the guidance of an inner voice, and train them to be followers rather than original thinkers.

As Magda Gerber advised, “Be careful what you teach the child, you may interfere with what he is learning.”

In child we trust.

As their interests and talents manifest themselves, our children need our whole-hearted support and encouragement to continue to follow their inner guide, keep doing what they love. Our children’s dreams and aspirations may seem illogical, impractical or impossible, but to encourage genius we must trust them anyway.

Like many children, my daughter wanted to hold her parents’ camera and take pictures. So, on a camping trip with my husband at age 7, she asked and he said yes. Rather than photograph the people or beautiful scenery, she aimed her camera towards the ground and photographed rocks in a small stream. These turned out to be the most interesting photos of the trip, and the beginning of an unflagging interest in photography. A few years ago when she was 14, a friend took her photos to the owner of Diesel, A Bookstore who was impressed enough to invite her to exhibit them on his walls. We had them printed on canvas, and several were sold (including the one above) for hundreds of dollars each. We were flabbergasted.         

Trust the genius in your kids. They’re onto something.

(Leaf photo by char!lotte on Flickr. Photo of baby genius at work by Jude Keith Rose.)

We picked a day to visit the classic carousel on the Santa Monica Pier and talked about it for days ahead of time. We imagined the experience – choosing a horse, the music, fastening seatbelts, riding up and down, round and round, holding onto the shiny brass pole.

When the day finally arrived and we parked in the beach lot near the pier, I unfastened her car seat and she stepped outside. We looked towards the carousel building a good hundred yards away, and I was stunned when she murmured wistfully, “I hear the music from here”.  I heard nothing. And it wasn’t until we entered the building a few minutes later that I finally heard the music, too.

This began a magical day that only got better and better. The merry-go-round was everything my girl had hoped it would be. Since she had initiated this idea herself and had spent time imagining every detail, she embraced the experience completely.

The carousel confirmed lessons I’d learned through infant specialist Magda Gerber…

Wait for readiness.

Sharing the activities we loved as children is one of the joys of parenting, and naturally, we can’t wait! We don’t always have the patience to hold off on the carousel (or Disneyland, movies, SeaWorld, whatever…). But when we are able to postpone an activity until our child has the opportunity to initiate interest, or at least say ‘yes’ and be old enough to actively participate, i.e., walk Disneyland, choose rides, recognize characters and fasten seatbelts rather than be carried or strolled, the rewards are great.

Generally, the longer we can hold off, the more our child will gain, because the more participatory and “on top of things” toddlers feel, the richer the experience. We are inclined to forget how easily our toddlers become over-stimulated and overwhelmed.

Prepare…perchance to dream.

Preparing our children for new experiences encourages them to participate as actively as possible. When children have the opportunity, for example, to read the book and/or hear the music before going to a show, they eagerly anticipate the event and are ready to savor every aspect. It’s literally a dream come true. Toddlers love to predict what will happen and then be ‘right’. And the preparations for any activity are usually as enjoyable and educational as the event itself.

Balance outings with home time.

I envy the energy (and organizational ability) of parents who manage to schedule lots of special activities with their children. But I believe children gain more from experiences when they do them less often and have more time to assimilate them. Toddlers need plenty of time to “do nothing” at home so that they can absorb and learn from the events in their lives. They need time to invent play that helps them understand and process the things they’ve been exposed to that might confuse or disturb them. I’ll never forget my 3 1/2 year old scrubbing the floor for days (just pretending, unfortunately) after watching her first Disney movie – Cinderella.

Never underestimate the power of imagination. When we do less and wait for readiness, we encourage it…something to keep in mind this holiday season!

Happy Holidays!

At a RIE Conference several years ago a friend and I were presenting a workshop on infant and toddler play and attempted an audacious experiment. We asked another friend to bring her 15 month old daughter to the event, daring to hope that the baby might give a live demonstration of independent, self-directed play.

At least fifty pairs of eyes were on baby Tess as she sat in her mom’s lap on a large platform raised about a foot off the ground. A few feet away we had created a play area using the kinds of objects recommended by infant specialist Magda Gerber: balls of different sizes and types, empty plastic bottles and jars, a colander, an inflatable beach ring, plastic chains, a baby doll, wooden rings, etc.

Tess seemed to take in the audience that surrounded her — professional caregivers, educators, and parents — all of whom waited patiently and showed extreme respect. Could she find the comfort — the trust — to play in such an intensely non-therapeutic environment? Would her natural impulse to play trump any unease or tension?

To all of our amazement it did, and she did. After a couple of minutes, Tess left the safety of her mother’s lap, ventured slowly toward the toys, and proceeded to examine a wiffle ball, which she eventually placed in a large plastic jar. A few minutes later she moved on to investigating a pool ‘noodle’.

It was obvious to everyone watching that Tess was not performing or doing anything for the benefit of the audience. She was simply following her curiosity — exploring, inner-directed — as she was used to doing at home. This was living proof of the powerful, innate desire babies have to play. I doubt the attendees remembered much about the rest of our presentation, but they were buzzing all afternoon about baby Tess.

Play, especially when self-directed, is not only natural — it is vital for our children’s emotional health. Through play babies naturally develop physical and cognitive skills, stretch their imaginations, flex creative muscles, build resiliency and a strong sense of self. Play is the way babies learn best. How do we cultivate this inborn drive? At what age does play begin?

Independent play begins the first time an infant spends a comfortable moment awake in a position in which he or she is free to move. Babies are born ready to begin playing. All we have to do is recognize it, encourage it and trust.

Recognize.

As a new parent, my 3 month old firstborn must have known what I needed — not merely a lesson in recognizing infant play, but a revelation.

Following the direction of a RIE parenting instructor, I placed her on her back on a blanket near me and watched.  My needy, vocal baby, the one I’d been entertaining and engaging almost every moment she was awake, spent nearly two hours in this position, peaceful and content. She knew I was there, shot an occasional glance my direction, but didn’t seem to need a thing from me except, perhaps, my appreciative presence. And, oh, I was beyond appreciative.

When babies aren’t eating, sleeping, bathing, changing diapers, crying, burping, colicky or being cuddled, they are playing. In the first months, play might not look like much. But this is when it starts, and it needs cultivating. 

Encourage.

Although a baby a few weeks old may experience some moments of play on a bed or changing table while an adult is guarding her safety,  play is encouraged for more extended periods by providing a safe place or places in which our baby is not confined, propped or positioned – free to move to the extent she is capable. If a baby’s movement is restricted, or she is dependent on us or on a contraption to retain a position, ‘helped’ to roll or sit up, she becomes used to our intervention and continues to expect it.

Other parenting approaches encourage waiting until an infant can physically indicate a desire to move out of the parent’s arms or a carrier before providing opportunities for play. For me, waiting for an indication of readiness to play independently and move freely is like waiting for a baby to point to a book before ever reading to her. Our babies get used to whatever rituals we create. It is up to us to encourage the habits we believe healthiest.

In her NAEYC essay Babies On The Move, Rae Pica warns that confining babies for extended periods in car seats, carriers, highchairs, etc., may have serious consequences for both motor and cognitive development.  Recent neurological research confirms that infants need to move.

“Neurophysiologist Carla Hannaford, in her book Smart Moves: Why Learning Is Not All in Your Head, tells us that, beginning in infancy, physical movement plays a vital role in the creation of nerve cell networks that are actually the core of learning. She then goes on to relate how movement, because it activates the neural wiring throughout the body, makes the entire body—not just the brain—an instrument of learning.”

To encourage play we have to appreciate and respect it. Before interrupting a baby – no matter how kindly and lovingly we plan to engage her – it’s best to first stop, observe, and at least wait for our baby to look towards us.  We should always ask before picking her up, even if she is fussy.  If we open the door for our young infants to communicate by acknowledging them and asking, “You sound tired. Do you want me to pick you up?” they are encouraged to answer back by telling us, by lifting their arms to us, or not.

Trust.

It’s hard to trust infants to play independently, to be the “initiators, explorers and self-learners” that Magda Gerber taught us they are capable of being. We worry that we might not be doing enough. How can our tiny infants be ready to make choices, experience self-reliance…mastery? But if we are sensitive observers, tuned in and responsive to our babies’ physical and emotional needs, they will initiate play for short periods that grow in time. Our baby soon learns to alert us when she’s had all the independence she wants or can handle.

Alternatively, an insecure baby is incapable of the kind of self-assured, inner directed play demonstrated by Tess, my infant daughter and the many other babies I’ve observed over the years. If we want to encourage play, we have to take a leap of faith and begin by trusting our babies.

(In above photo — a baby playing on her one month birthday.)

The beauty is that it can be used creatively in multiple ways. Sometimes children use the brush as intended and sweep the corners of the room, or experiment with the ‘mechanics’ — fitting the brush into the pan by snapping the handles together, and removing it again. In a recent class, a toddler picked up the brush, exclaimed “paint…paint!”, and then proceeded to ‘paint’ the walls. Another day a boy used it to brush his hair, and when he went to brush his mother’s she gently said, “No, thank you.”

Most of us believe we should play with our toddlers and show them how things work. But if I had demonstrated, no matter how subtly, the ‘right’ way to use the sweeper and pan, the children would probably not have been encouraged to imagine the different uses this toy could have.  As a visiting grandmother commented during our discussion, “That is exactly what we’d be doing in an actor’s improv class.”

Now that I’m a mom and have learned that parenting is an endless list of really hard decisions that can make your head throb, I empathize with my unfairly outnumbered dear mother. Saying “no” never feels good, and yet parents must say it often, and with conviction. 

But wise and witty clinical psychologist Wendy Mogel, author of the inspiring book, The Blessing of the Skinned Knee, and the upcoming The Blessing of the B Minus, said something truly enlightening at a recent lecture I attended.  How often do we give our children a resounding YES?  Not the ‘okays’, the things we agree to but have reservations about and give begrudgingly, or the ones our children have to badger us into and will then feel vaguely guilty about, but an unadulterated, wholehearted, YEAH!  

Yes, sweetie, you can throw a penny into the fountain…in fact, take 3 and have a blast! 

Yes, I’ll sit with you boys while you sell lemonade on the corner. Great idea! 

Yes, my beautiful, responsible teenage daughter, go to the party with all those older hormonal teenage boys and have a fantastic time! Enjoy! 

Has this been you? This hasn’t been me nearly as much as I would like it to be. And I wonder…is it hard for us to give ourselves full-fledged permission? Can we freely indulge a wish and feel certain we deserve it? How often do you say YES to yourself and to your children with gusto, and without doubt or guilt?

It baffles me that the experts give warnings and criticisms, but nobody offers parents viable alternatives to using TV as a babysitter. Thank you very much American Academy of Pediatrics, ASHA (American Speech-Language-Hearing-Association) and many others, but telling us it’s wiser to spend time talking to our babies, reading, singing and playing peek-a-boo isn’t addressing our issue. Most of us are well aware that we need to spend lots of time and energy interacting with our babies physically and socially. We also need a BREAK once in awhile. It’s a little insulting to me when experts say, “no, no, NO!” and then give advice that ignores the reason most parents use TV in the first place. 

The good news is that there is another option, and it addresses the needs of both parent and child. Babies thrive, parents can take breaks, and when we are with our child we get to “do less and enjoy more.”  It is simple enough that I was able to do it with three children (and I’m no martyr or genius), and I will never understand (apart from the fact there’s no money to be made) why it is such a well guarded secret. 

The answer: instilling in our babies the joyful habit of independent play, adopting the lifestyle recommended by pediatrician Emmi Pikler and infant specialist Magda Gerber. 

The trap parents fall into is the vicious cycle of using screen time to occupy a baby. That creates the very same problem we are using TV to solve — a child who does not entertain himself. Babies who spend time ‘watching’ unlearn what they are born ready and eager to do — what parents need them to do — daydream, explore, experiment, create play independently. 

Although initiating thoughts and activities comes naturally to infants, extended periods of independent playtime don’t happen unless we cultivate them. This means establishing one or two safe, enclosed play areas for a baby (outdoors is wonderful if possible), and then encouraging him to routinely spend his “alert time” (between sleep, feedings and diaper changes) in these soon familiar environments.  We can watch and enjoy our baby, “floor sit” and eventually leave him to work or relax nearby, while he spends time learning from the safe objects and toys he chooses. In my experience, these rooms (or sections of rooms) are treasured by children way beyond the age they need them for safety. A child’s play space becomes the comfortable, therapeutic, and imaginative place where dreams are born. 

Eventually, most of us will introduce our children to movies and TV. My advice: wait as long as you can, and then use it sparingly. Personally, I couldn’t bear the option of TV time because of the added pressure of trying to control it (to the already long list of toddler power struggles). It worked better for me to avoid it entirely until after the age of 3. 

Exhaust the use of crayons, blocks, dolls and dollhouses, puzzles, shape sorters, play-doh, balls, books, wheel toys, sidewalk chalk (one of the best inventions ever), Legos, etc., before resorting to movies and TV. When children who are adept at occupying themselves seem bored, they are often on the verge of an idea for a new activity. Sometimes they need more of our attention, or a nap. 

If you need entertainment for an afternoon lull and music isn’t engaging enough, try books on tape (or CD) before considering TV or videos. There is usually a good selection at the library. They don’t interfere with a child’s listening and learning skills the way TV does. They stimulate imagination rather than zoning a child out, and they aren’t as disturbing or scary as movies. The ones that come with books are great, too, and you can show your child how to turn the page when they hear the “ding”. 

If we can postpone the use of TV (or break the habit in the early years), our child has opportunities to develop the neural pathways needed to be a good listener and learner, gross and fine motor skills, problem solving abilities, creativity and a strong sense of self. 

We are all bound to make many parenting mistakes, but the love of inner-directed play, creative thought and solitude will be lifelong gifts that neither you nor your child will ever regret. 

Please enjoy this inspirational video of 15 month old Joey demonstrating self-reliance, persistance, focus, ingenuity, inner-directedness and much more — SELF-DIRECTED, INDEPENDENT PLAY AT ITS BEST. 

(Photo by texasgurl.)

Please feel free to share your frustrations and successes with the TV issue!

This is my kind of silliness. These family games are creative, simple, and spontaneous. They need almost no preparation and only minimal equipment, just household stuff. They are unplugged, screen-free, non-board games that un-bore children, and they are all about playing rather than producing something, or winning and losing. Best of all, they don’t cause mess-ups that disappoint everyone and make a parent (hmm…) look foolish because she didn’t inherit the ‘crafty’ gene. 

Some of these games you’ll recognize. The more eccentric ones originated in this family. Honestly, a couple of these are so odd that I wonder why my kids enjoy them so much, but the giggles they generate and the repeated requests to play them cannot be denied! 

Folding Game – (pictured twice above) For at least 2 players, better with 3, ages 4 to 104. (Need paper, crayons or markers.) 

Take one piece of paper per player and fold it into horizontal thirds (or quarters, with 4 or more players). Each player draws a head and shoulders of some sort (person, animal, vegetable, mineral, monster, alien, whatever) in the top folded section.

Continue the shoulder lines very slightly into the next folded section to give guidance to the player who will continue on that page. Then fold the page back to hide what you have drawn and expose the rest of the paper (with just the little lines of guidance showing) to the person next to you.   

Each player then draws a mid-section of any kind, including hands and arms (if your creation has any) in any position. Continue the lines of the hips and the tops of legs very slightly into the bottom folded section, fold back to expose only the bottom section to the player next to you and pass on. 

Last round, everyone draws legs and feet.  Finally, unfold and enjoy your communal person/beast. Name him/her/it, if you like!  

Sardines In A Can – 3 players or more (the more the squishier!), ages 2 To 102.

This is the classic game of hide ‘n seek turned inside out. One player hides, the others find him and snuggle in next to him in his hiding spot. The last player to find the hiding spot opens a can of very giggly sardines. (For safety, youngest players should team-up with someone, not go hiding on their own.) 

Close Your Eyes And Open Your Mouth – Parent and 1 child or more, ages 2 to 102. (Need a kitchen and some food.) 

Players take turns closing their eyes while mom, dad, or trusted older sibling brings tiny bites of various edible items. Players guess what they are tasting. As tempting as it is to take full advantage and pop in those highly nutritional foods our children always nix, I’ve found (for the sake of fun and trust!) it’s best to hold the cod liver oil and give samples they can at least tolerate. 

Copy – 2 or more players, ages 3 to 103. (Need paper, crayons or markers.) 

This one’s really simple, but my children have played it with me – and better yet — with each other for hours. 

Each child has a piece of paper. One child draws a shape, dot, figure, or whatever, on his paper. The other child tries to copy it onto his paper, and then adds something more. 

The first artist then copies the other child’s addition to the drawing on his paper and adds something more. This copying back and forth continues until the children decide they are done. They end up with two drawings that are similar, but surprisingly different. 

Charades – At least 2 players, but the more the merrier, ages 3 to 103. (Need small scraps of paper, pen or pencil.) 

This game is a personal favorite. Since I loved charades parties in my teens and twenties, I wanted to introduce the concept to my children as soon as they were old enough to understand it. Younger children can begin by recognizing an image and acting out what it represents.  

There is a wonderful charades board game, Kids On Stage, which includes picture cards in three categories: animals, actions and objects. Children embrace the challenge of slithering like a snake or pretending to swing on a swing.  We soon memorized all the cards and with the slightest twitch we could shout out which one it was.

Charades has now become a favorite after dinner party game when we have family or friends over. The younger ones need a little help and encouragement at first, but soon everyone is willing to go out on a limb, behave foolishly in hope that the movie, book, or famous person they are acting out is recognized, and join in the (often hysterical) laughter. 

Spice Girls – 1 adult, 1 child (girl or boy) or more, ages 2 to 102. (Need spices.) 

This is a guessing game variation on “Close Your Eyes And Open Your Mouth” that my daughters and I invented.  One person closes her eyes while the other holds a spice jar under her nose, and she then has to distinguish the spice. Adults should try this one, too. It’s tough! And some of the most commonly used spices have a surprisingly unappealing smell. 

Scavenger Hunt – At least 1 child, the more the merrier, ages 3 to 103. 

Scavenger hunts take some preparatory work for the parent, but the joy of sending children out to explore and discover nature is well worth the trouble. There were summers when my children wanted to do this almost every day, and I happily obliged. 

We are blessed to live in a semi-rural area and have a large un-manicured yard. I would wander about, noting the colors, shapes and designs of leaves, small rocks, flowers, etc., and make a list. When the children were pre-readers, I drew little pictures. Jennifer Kirkpatrick shared my suggestions on her website: Parents Only Zone, and she includes a printable illustrated scavenger hunt list.

The search gets more complex as the children get older and might include items like “a piece of eucalyptus bark the length of your humerus”, or “a live isopod crustacean” (roly-poly bug). The hunt always ends up being creative, educational and fun (for me, too). 

I hope these play ideas come in handy, or inspire spin-offs of your own. I admit to often groaning inaudibly when my children ask me to play, but I have never regretted saying yes.  Playing together bonds us, creates memories, rituals, family lore, and carves time out of our busy lives to focus on each other. In fact I’ve made a pact with my kids for this summer: Wednesday night is game night. So, please forgive me if I don’t answer the phone (or post). I’ll be getting back to you Thursday morning!

Honestly. Ensuring our child’s good health, happiness, kindness and compassion may well be our highest priorities, but wouldn’t we do all in our power to have the brightest, most talented, top-of-the-class kid? Or, at least, one who doesn’t have to struggle too hard to make the grade?

And here is where it gets really unfair. If we didn’t have enough issues to puzzle out as new parents with bleary-eyes and sleep-starved brains (like diapering with cloth or disposable, making breast or bottle feeding work, bed sharing or crib sleeping, and interpreting our baby’s cries), we are then presented with a torrent of persuasive, conflicting advice about how to help our babies become the quick thinkers and successful, highly motivated learners we hope they will be. No matter what choices we make, we are bound to have doubts.

A mom commented (on my post Baby, Interrupted - 7 Ways To Build Your Child’s Focus And Attention Span) that the information I share on my site has made her question the early learning programs she bought for her son. She asked what I thought she should do to utilize them. I suggested that she wait until her boy was 4 or 5, and then allow him to peruse the videos, flashcards, etc., if he was interested in doing so.

She replied:

“Hmm. Wait until he’s 4 or 5 years? For the math thing the whole idea of doing it now is because baby’s until 2.5 years are able to perceive true quantity and that makes it much easier for them to learn math. And when I look at how terrible I am at math, I don’t want him to miss this opportunity…

I like the idea of taking the middle path — to teach him what will benefit him to learn at an early age, and to leave the rest alone on the floor for him to examine if he’s interested.

Do you have any tips I should bear in mind to not affect his attention span negatively?”

This mommy’s worries about math, since she has struggled with the subject herself, make total sense. After all, being a parent is our golden opportunity to do better, to learn from our mistakes and correct them for our child (therefore ensuring not only our child’s success, but the evolutionary assent of our lineage!)

It is true that infants and toddlers begin to perceive quantity. They also learn fractions, addition and subtraction, even multiplication, division and geometry.  In recent studies reported in Berkeley psychology professor Alison Gopnik’s New York Times article “Your Baby Is Smarter Than You Think”, babies as young as eight months old demonstrated astonishing capacities for “statistical reasoning, experimental discovery and probabilistic logic” that allow them to “rapidly learn all about the particular objects and people surrounding them.”

But Gopnik warns, “Sadly, some parents are likely to take the wrong lessons from these experiments and conclude that they need programs and products that will make their babies even smarter. Many think that babies, like adults, should learn in a focused, planned way. So parents put their young children in academic-enrichment classes or use flashcards… “   Instead, “Infants and toddlers need plenty of open-ended play time to be able to build the brain synapses necessary for higher learning abilities.”

Babies relish the time to learn this way, naturally and organically, with joy, wonder, and all five of their senses. When infants and toddlers examine the patterns on a blanket or cotton scarf, mouth the shape of a teething ring, experiment with blocks, balls or plastic beads, stack cups, pour water, shovel sand, make mud pies, watch and interact with us or even just stare at corners of the ceiling they are stimulating neural connections that build a strong foundation for math and language skills.

Parents can help by giving simple acknowledgments. “Your bucket is ¾ full.” Or, “You gave me two blocks and you kept one.”

But interrupting a baby’s inborn desire to explore and discover to give a lesson in letters, numbers or reading is like painting a house before the foundation is built. It discourages him from working on what is really important, and wastes both our child’s time and ours.

Over the years, I’ve enjoyed observing babies naturally practicing math skills. In one of my parent/toddler classes, a 2 year old boy spent much of the 90 minutes each week repeating the task of fitting little plastic dolls into the opening of a huge Arrowhead water bottle. I sensed him counting inside his head with quiet concentration as each doll ‘plunked’ to the bottom of the bottle. 

One of my most flabbergasting moments ever as a parent was when my 4-year-old daughter was staring at a framed poster on our wall, “Les Animaux de La Ferme”. There are three vertical rows of different breeds of cows, five in each row. After a minute or two my daughter proclaimed. “Five by three is fifteen!”  (BTW, this same child just achieved a perfect score on her math SAT.)

Do we want our toddlers to learn how to use simple math and language symbols, or do we want them to truly understand mathematical concepts, develop their higher learning skills, be deep thinkers and creative problem solvers — discover who they are and what they are passionate about?

So, the short answer to this dear, caring mom’s question is: Any time we interrupt what an infant or toddler might be working on to “teach” him, we discourage focus and attention span. Attempting to plant seeds of knowledge in our babies inadvertently plants seeds of doubt.  How can our child believe that the activities he chooses are valuable, when we signal that we want him to do something more…or different?   

The truth is we don’t know where our children’s talents lie, but if we trust our baby, allow him to explore and experiment, and choose activities he is naturally drawn to, he will utilize the gifts he has to the fullest, and with great confidence. He may become that math whiz we hoped for…or something even cooler.