My son is 3 years old and is a very happy child! He is at a RIE accredited Montessori school since he was little. I’m a working mom.

I will never forget that after his first days at the infant room, his teacher told me that it was amazing how much he observed. His eyes did not stop moving one side to the other. She used the term busy but at that point and being a first time mom, it did not mean a lot to me…

During these 3 years I have learned that he has a feisty temperament. His level of energy is amazing! His joy is intense and his mood can also change fast. His level of energy scares me sometimes. It also makes me really tired and frustrated sometimes. He is very sweet but sometimes he hits me and my husband and our dog. He can really exhaust one. Sometimes my husband and I do not know how to handle his power. I do believe in the Montessori method and think it’s the best for him. Although many of our friends and family think he needs something more “conservative”. We disagree.

Please, if you can, can you give me any advice in how to handle & understand a feisty child and keep the harmony in the family?

Any books recommended?

Thanks so much in advance and congratulations on your work!

Ninah

Hi Ninah,

Thanks so much for your kind words.

I would love to try to help. When I’m figuring out a response to notes like yours and have just a little snapshot of your life to go on, I look for clues… Here’s what I was struck by in your note:

“His level of energy scares me sometimes.”

I understand this, but if you are 3 years old and your mom is scared by your energy, that’s worrisome. No matter how scary he’s being, he needs you not to be frightened or even a little bit nervous. He needs to know that you and your husband are his calm, confident leaders, no matter what he throws at you (literally and figuratively). Be amazed and impressed by his energy, but not scared.

If your boy senses that you are scared or even frustrated, which he undoubtedly does, the anxiety that produces in him may even be cranking him up a notch or two. However, if you can be calm and unfettered in the face of his feistiness and mood changes, you’ll have a better chance of having a calming effect on him. I know that’s challenging, but he needs it. Think about projecting confidence and acceptance. Tap into your inner strength. Be his anchor.

“Sometimes he hits me and my husband and our dog.”

It’s totally in your power to prevent your son from doing those things. When you see him getting angry or frustrated, prepare to gently, but firmly stop him from hitting you. Hold his wrists if you must and let him know, “I won’t let you hit me. That hurts”. Try to stay calm and composed, don’t get angry. If he hits the dog because you couldn’t stop him in time, say, “I don’t want you to hit the dog. That hurts him.” Leave it at that. Don’t lecture. Be definitive, on top of it, almost nonchalant.

Imagine how scary it is for your little guy to not only have these powerful impulses, but to also be able to hurt his parents, hurt his dog, and make everyone frustrated and exhausted? That is a very uncomfortable amount of power for him to have. So, don’t give it to him.

“Sometimes my husband and I do not know how to handle his power.”

The key is gaining perspective. Remember that your son is a tiny guy and you are adults. (It’s funny the way our children can seem so HUGE to us…I remember!) He won’t overpower you, so don’t be afraid of his feelings. Feelings are just feelings, they come and go.

Focus on keeping yourself, your dog and your son safe and offer healthy outlets for your son’s volatility. Acknowledge his moods, give him boundaries and options. “You seem angry. I won’t let you hit me, but you can stomp your feet…or would you like some pillows to punch?”

Provide sufficient rest and healthy food.

Accept his feelings, but don’t let them affect you. They’re his, not yours, so don’t absorb them and you won’t end up exhausted. Imagine yourself a strong, but flexible backboard and let your son bounce his feelings off of you without you being bothered by them. Stay present, but be totally unthreatened.

By doing these things, you will provide your boy the safe boundaries and sense of security he needs to flourish. Then he will be able to channel his intense energy into positive accomplishments and leadership. For all the drawbacks to this kind of temperament (especially during the already volatile toddler years), there are loads of positives, too. As you say, he is intensely happy. People like him inspire us.

Books

The best toddler book that I know of is 1, 2, 3, The Toddler Years (by Irene Van der Zand and the Santa Cruz Toddler Care Center Staff). It is a simple (yet profound) and very user friendly guide to understanding and interacting positively with toddlers. For something more in-depth, I recommend The Emotional Life Of The Toddler by Alicia Leiberman, Ph.D.

Please keep me posted…

Warmly,

Janet

(Photo by mopics80 on Flickr)

I am 9 weeks pregnant with baby #2 and my son is now 14 months old. He is a very happy boy, but loves getting into EVERYTHING! When we say no, he has started throwing tantrums, crying, flailing himself as we try to pick him up, etc. He also pinches my face, scratches my arm, hits me and grabs my glasses. Lately we have had a lot of stress in our life due to circumstances out of our control, but my son has been acting this way for a while now. However, with being pregnant and feeling tired all the time, I’m losing it! My husband and I both come from families who spanked. And, although we know they meant good and well, we know behavior is a heart issue and we want to make sure we address the heart issues as our children grow up.

I’ve been really impressed with everything you have written and have actually started using your advice in the last 30 minutes and have seen a difference in how my son responds. However, do you have any advice as to his violent actions towards me, how to keep my cool, and how to teach him to stop? I love my son very much, but have had to leave him crying and walk away so as not to cause more harm to him. I know walking away isn’t the best for him emotionally, but it’s better than me losing it and yelling and spanking him out of anger. By the way, we are trying very hard to do gentle disciplining but are still learning how everything works. So any and all advice you can give would be much appreciated.

Thank you so much!

Blessings,

Amanda

Hi Amanda,

Your boy needs a safe place to play. I can understand your frustration and anger when he gets into things, but it is unfair to expect him to stifle his natural, precious and age-appropriate curiosity. He’s supposed to be “getting into everything”.  That’s a big part of his job description as a 14-month-old active learner and it needs to be encouraged. Instead of hearing “no” all the time and sensing his parents anger, he needs a YES place that’s all his to explore. He needs his parents to spend time there with him watching what he does, appreciating him rather than being annoyed by him. So, for both of you, I strongly recommend making a gated-in play space furnished with some appropriate toys and play objects. 

I’ve heard the arguments. I know some perceive this as “jail”, but I can assure you that this is an adult projection. To young children (especially when we establish these spaces early on) a safe space is freedom, comfort, theirs. At your boy’s age, you will have to take care to frame his new space very positively and include him in the “making of it”. For example, asking your boy, “Shall we keep your balls in this basket or on the shelf over here? Should your animals go in this box, or would you like them placed here on the floor in the corner? Please show me where the trucks should go.” Let him take the lead as much as possible. 

Simple Toys Make Active Babies (Creating a brain-building play space for your baby or toddler – for under $100) is a wonderful new booklet by Alexandra Curtis Boyer that will tell you everything you need to know about developing your son’s special play space.

When the new baby enters the picture, it will be even more important for your boy to have his small, protected play haven and for you to have a way to keep inappropriate toys away from your baby.

The play space, which must definitely include special time with you there, will help alleviate some of the tantrums and behavior issues (lots of “green lights” make the red ones easier to accept), but the outbursts won’t disappear completely. They are a healthy element of toddlerhood.

Also, he will sometimes be in places where everything is not available or appropriate for him to explore. Take care to intervene respectfully. Instead of taking something out of his hands or picking him up and moving him away, whenever possible talk to him first. Acknowledge his desire before setting a boundary, “I see you want to touch my glasses. I can’t let you. They are not safe.”

Gentleness and respect will work wonders, but there will still be episodes of crying and tantruming. They are par for the course with toddlers. Remember that tantrums and crying are entirely different from hitting, scratching, etc., and require a different response.

Tantrums and crying are healthy ways for your boy to release his feelings. When he is doing those things he needs you to support, encourage, and stay engaged with him in a calm, empathetic, non-judgmental manner. These expressions of anger, frustration, worry, sadness, etc., are positive and healthy, not a result of something you are doing wrong or a problem that you have to fix. Understanding the value of your boy’s outbursts will help you to not “take on” the feelings and lose your temper.

It is also normal and common for an upset toddler to act out with you physically. This is another expression of the powerful feelings he’s having, but obviously not behavior you can allow or encourage. He doesn’t want to hurt you, but he feels upset way beyond his control. Gently, but firmly block him from doing those things to you.  Hold his hands to stop him if you need to. Take a deep breath and stay calm. Put him down if you are holding him and he begins to hit, scratch or pinch. Stay nearby and acknowledge, “You are very mad because I stopped you from touching the dog’s food. I understand, but I won’t let you hurt me.” Give him free rein to express his feelings, but make it clear that you will not allow him to hurt you.  Be available for hugs when his outburst has subsided.

Sometimes, your boy’s aggressive reactions and tantrums will seem completely unreasonable. Accept them as being exactly what he needs to do. Remember that toddlers are extremely sensitive, and if you are going through something, he is certain to be feeling it, too. If there are specific stressors in your life that you can share, consider sharing with him. Even just saying, “I’ve been upset all day today because of some problems with the house” (or whatever), “I’m sorry I’ve been grumpy.” Feeling your parent’s tension without any idea what it is about can be very stressful for small children.

Hopefully, the knowledge that his behavior is healthy and age-appropriate will help you to gain the perspective you need to remain calm and confident in the face of his storms. Instead of walking away, yelling or spanking, try distancing yourself emotionally, but remaining available (as a therapist would). If it is at all possible, I recommend speaking to a counselor about the emotional triggers you might be experiencing around your son’s outbursts. This is a common issue for adults who were spanked as children.

For more of my thoughts on non-punitive discipline, please read: No Bad Kids – Toddler Discipline Without Shame.

Take very good care and thanks for reaching out!

Warmly,

Janet

Observing infant and toddler interactions over the years, I’ve learned that babies have volumes to teach us about getting along with others, if we can just stay out of their way and let them.

Please watch the struggle in this video without any preconceived notions about play, manners, sharing, who-had-it-first. I think you’ll see that toddlers are not only capable problem solvers, they are ingenious, tenacious, accepting and forgiving.

Notes about interventions in this video:

1. Beginning around this age, I gently try to encourage the children to use language (like “no”) with each other, so they will be less inclined to hit or push (or allow themselves to be hit or pushed).

2. At RIE, we don’t believe in using a blaming tone when there is conflict, so that children don’t identify themselves as victims or aggressors. Instead, we ‘sportscast’ the situation non-judgmentally and matter-of-factly. Infants and toddlers are just learning and experimenting, and we want to give them the confidence to continue to do so. 

3. Wish I would have said something to the little girl when she looked at me, something like, “You were both holding the roller and now he has it.” Or, “Yes, I saw what happened.” Or maybe, “Yes, I’m making a movie.” Honestly, I think I was afraid of interrupting something I was excited to share with you all, but she looked like she was asking for a response. I learn a lot watching these videos!

Educational experiences like this one are possible when we:

Provide a safe play space with communal toys (rather than personal ones) and allow children to interact with a small group of others of a similar age.

Fulfill basic needs. Obviously, toddlers who are hungry, thirsty, tired or otherwise uncomfortable won’t have the same interest in, or ability to face, social challenges.

Observe attentively and quietly. Children will play and interact when parents are talking, but it’s less likely and probably won’t go as smoothly. Babies are sensitive to the noise level, think more clearly and feel safer with each other when they have our quiet attention.

Physically intervene only when children might hurt each other and when doing so model gentleness. Our actions speak louder than our words.

State the conflict for the children non-judgmentally with an even-tone to help them understand what is happening and let them know you understand and are paying attention.

Provide an atmosphere of trust – believe the children capable of handling their squabbles. In my experience (and as demonstrated in the video), the children that “take” the most are invariably the ones who “give” the most. Children this age don’t understand the concepts of “sharing” or “ownership”, and when we try to teach them those things, we tend to discourage play and learning. Our interruptions put the brakes on valuable social exchanges and leave toddlers with the message that they’re incapable of interacting with their peers.

In these first couple of years, babies are innocently looking for a way to engage, just trying to figure out how to play together. There are going to be plenty of struggles, clumsy exchanges and blunders along the way.  But our babies won’t be inclined to judge the situation or each other, they’ll just be glad to be there.

Following the RIE approach, we start with the least amount of help and intervention and then slowly increase it.  We do expect and trust that even infants eventually learn most by working out conflicts all by themselves.  If every time adults jump in and bring in their version of what is right, the children learn either to depend on them or to defy them. The more we trust they can solve, the more they do learn to solve. –Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect

(If you’re interested in forming a RIE-inspired playgroup in your neighborhood, please join our community and list your city!)

The freedom we all feel deep within ourselves comes once we understand where we stand in the scheme of things – Magda Gerber

Janet,

On a day when I felt like I have failed as a parent, I found your blog. I have read and read and read — article and entry after entry after article — on gentle parenting, and I just don’t know if it is going to work.

I have a three year old daughter who on most days is difficult, to say the least. She screams, yells, hits, constantly interrupts, tantrums, tells us ‘no’, throws toys, refuses to listen….. There are shining moments when she is well behaved, listens and is wonderful, but it seems like they are few and far between.

I get frustrated. Very frustrated.

We also have an 8mo old son who demands my attention, and my daughter hates it. She is always saying that I HAVE to take care of her first then him. She loves her little brother until I need to give him attention.

We have done time out, toy taking, early bed time, spanking…. Everything that is “normal” to me having come from an authoritarian home . . . but it doesn’t work. Nothing works. The only thing that it does is make everyone involved feel like poo.

My house is chaos. My beautiful girl is not only miserable, but acts like she is scared of us because she hates punishment… our son senses the tension and it causes issues with him. And I feel like a failure as a parent.

I know you are probably swamped with e-mails, but I hope that you get a chance to read this and possibly help enlighten an exhausted momma, because I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Sincerely,   

Kelly

Hi Kelly,

Please forgive me to taking so long to respond. I have been slow responding to all my emails lately, but especially the ones that I don’t have easy answers for (even though those are probably the people who need responding to most!).

And while I’m apologizing, I’m also sorry for all you are going through, that you are doubting yourself and getting discouraged.

It’s admittedly challenging for me to dive in and understand a family’s dynamics from the information in an email. So when I read I look for clues, and then I try to figure out why those things stand out. In your letter it was this: “she is always saying that I HAVE to take care of her first then him.” That statement, along with her being “miserable” and the fact that she “screams, yells, hits, and so on,” indicates to me that the balance of power between you and your daughter might not be as healthy as it could be. She seems to be under the impression that she can exert control in areas that aren’t hers to lead. She sounds unsettled and uncomfortable, and your responses, interventions, and disciplinary measures seem to be unsettling her even more, rather than easing her mind, addressing her need to test her power, and helping her to feel safe, nested, more comfortable and free.

So, how can we help?

Be a gentle leader
Children need to know without a doubt that their parents are their leaders. This may seem obvious, but it’s easy to get a little confused in this area, especially with a strong, bright and verbal child (I’ve been there).

Sometimes a reticence to set clear boundaries stems from being raised in an overly strict home. Perhaps there is a fear of being too authoritative and repeating patterns of response that our parents modeled — responses that felt unloving, disconnecting or even abusive. Or, sometimes the parent is simply inexperienced at establishing healthy boundaries.

But when we don’t make it clear that we are the loving leaders of the house by setting reasonable, consistent limits and taking control, our child has no choice but to feel out of control.

Believe it or not, your daughter isn’t comfortable being in the position of saying, “you HAVE to take care of me first” (which is very different from saying, “I want you to take of me first!”) She doesn’t want the power that implies. It makes her feel unsafe and uneasy to be 3 years old and making those kinds of statements, but this isn’t something she’s consciously aware of, so it’s difficult for us to see, too.

This out of control feeling leads to more out of control behavior, hence the screams, yells, hits, etc., which then make parents feel out of control. Rather than leading confidently, we might react out of anger, frustration and desperation. We might resort to trying to regain control through punishments like spankings and disciplinary tactics like time-out that result in even more rebellion and disconnectedness. This makes us feel like failures.

Family life is easier and less chaotic for everyone when we are all clear about our roles. So, how do we do that?

1) Set limits calmly, firmly, gently, early
By setting limits early, I mean making situations as clear as possible for your daughter before she even begins to act out. This clarity helps parents, too, because those well-defined boundaries keep us feeling on top of the situation and prevent us from reaching our wit’s end — getting frustrated and angry and resorting to punishments. Here’s an example:

You say to your daughter, “I’m getting ready to feed the baby and put him to bed. I’ll be busy with him for the next half hour. If you need something, I can get it now.”

Then after getting her what she needs (a book from the shelf, a snack, whatever), give her a choice. “You can sit in the room with us very quietly or go to your room and play.” You might even ask, “What will you do in your room while I’m busy?”

Let’s say she chooses staying with you quietly, but doesn’t end up being able to manage it and she’s whiny. “I know it’s hard to wait while I’m busy with the baby, but I need your help. I want you to go to your room and play or look at books until we’re finished. Then I’ll have time to be with you.”

Then let’s say she tries to hit you. You hold her hand. “I won’t let you hurt me. I see you’re upset. You can go to your room and hit your pillows, but I won’t let you hit me.”

As strong as your daughter sounds, I imagine she has (and will continue to have) intense negative reactions when you set limits. Don’t be uncomfortable with that. View the yelling, screaming and crying as healthy and positive releases for her. It’s hard being a toddler and really hard also being a big sister and having to share your parents with someone small, adorable and needy. Acknowledge her feelings whenever possible. “I know it’s hard for you when I’m busy with the baby. It’s so hard and upsetting to have to wait, but I know you can do it.”

Try to relax – or, at least, seem relaxed — and maintain composure even if she’s exploding. Eventually, when she knows you mean what you say and she’s unable to rattle you, she’ll settle into a routine of occupying herself when you are busy with the baby.

I went through something similar with my intense and assertive eldest daughter after my second baby was born. She was 4 years old and would complain, cry, scream and howl when I needed time to feed her sister and put her to bed, which used to take me a whole hour. It was a scene for several days. Finally, she discovered on her own that she could spend that time playing in her room with her dollhouse, and that became her self-chosen routine while I was focusing on her sister. I’ve no doubt that a lot of wild things happened in that dollhouse!

2) Acknowledge her point-of-view, but don’t argue it.
When your daughter expresses her disagreement with the situation, especially if her statement begins with “you have to”, acknowledge it calmly, look beyond it to what she’s feeling when there’s time, but don’t argue (‘no, I don’t have to’), negotiate or otherwise give it power. Your short answer might be something along the lines of a sincere, “Thank you for your opinion, but here’s the plan…” A longer response might delve deeper into acknowledging her feelings, which with a new sibling can include anger and grief over the loss of the one-on-one relationship with the parent. Still, make it clear that you hear her feelings, but that you are making the plan, running the show. She needs empathy, but not the kind of “poor baby” sympathy that makes us go soft on behavior limits. In fact, for a child in transition, consistent, firm boundaries are even more vital.

3) Ask her to help.
Help fulfill her healthy needs for autonomy, competence and participation by asking for her assistance with the baby (and anything else) whenever possible.

4) Give reassurance, one-on-one attention and gratitude.
Assure her that her needs will always be met, even though it won’t always be in her perfect time. And don’t forget to provide periods of undivided attention that she can look forward to regularly. Most importantly, don’t forget to thank her for the “shining moments when she is well behaved, listens and is wonderful.”

Hopefully these suggestions will help your daughter understand that her opinions and feelings are always welcome and understood, but family decisions (like whose needs are being met when), will always be made by you, no matter how much she objects. This should help ease her mind (and at least some of the chaos you’re dealing with!).

Please keep me posted!

Warmly,
Janet

For further guidance, please read this wonderful article by Amanda at Not Just Cute: “Roots And Wings: Setting Boundaries And Giving Choices,”  and check out my various posts on discipline and siblings.

Please share your experiences…

I have three vivid memories of growing up:

The first is of my mother when I was five or six years old. I was getting ready for school and had difficulty putting my shoes on the correct feet (being slightly dyslexic), and my mother went ballistic. She hit me, over and over, all while yelling at me how stupid I was for not having it figured out by now.

The second is of my father when I was ten or eleven. We were driving back from a stage production rehearsal, and my sister told him how I got in trouble for kicking a boy standing next to me (because by this age, I had become rather angry and aggressive). My father turned to me and said, “Wow, you really are a little bitch, aren’t you?”

The third memory is simply of being alone. I know I did things with my family. We have pictures of us – at Disneyland, in Yellowstone Park, traveling all over the world. Some scenes I remember happening, but many I have no recollection of at all. I was with them, but I can’t think of a single conversation or a moment of laughter. Sometimes I feel my entire childhood was completely disconnected from anyone.

I don’t want that for my children.

When I became pregnant with my first son, I read everything I could find about being a parent. I was immediately drawn to the Dr. Sears books about attachment parenting. Everything he said about closeness, establishing a bond, and listening to your loving instincts as a parent resonated with me. That was what I wanted with my children. I wanted to show them as much love as I could.

I already planned a natural birth and to breastfeed, and the babywearing and co-sleeping followed easily. Terminology aside, I loved it. I decided not to return to work and enjoyed the hours at home with my son – playing with him, cuddling with him, and just loving him. There were many, many times when I was exhausted, but I willed myself to be patient with him, even when he was screaming. I was determined not to be like my mother.

When my first son was nine months old, I became pregnant again. When my second son was born, I did what I did the first time around: breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing. I was secretly relieved my younger one preferred to sleep in a bassinet beside my bed instead of in it, and thankful he enjoyed playing by himself on the floor. Still, I felt guilty that he wasn’t getting the attention his older brother had enjoyed.

Finally, the nighttimes caught up with me when at six months my younger son began waking every two hours to breastfeed, and my older son refused to sleep without me next to him. It was too much, and the strain of sleep deprivation took its toll on my ability to cope during the day. I yelled more, turned on the television more, and finally in a frustrated rage smacked my son on his backside.

I needed to change.

Through my blog I was led to Lisa Sunbury, and then to Janet. Learning about RIE changed my life.

While I love the building blocks of attachment parenting, it can become all-consuming for someone who is not good at establishing boundaries (a common trait of abuse survivors). RIE helps me understand how respect includes implementing and enforcing appropriate limits – not just for my children, but for me.

We’ve started a more structured sleep routine and independent play time, both of which have been met with predictable resistance. But even with the transition hurdles, it has taken immense pressure off me. It’s allowed me to step back and look at how I handle my connections to my children, and make changes to improve them.

I’ve learned that our bond is a relationship: one based not just on love, but trust, respect and mutual give-and-take. By recognizing my children as individuals who need to learn and grow on their own, I’ve learned to re-route my sometimes overwhelming emotions by saying, “this is too much, I’m frustrated,” or “I need to be alone now” – and then take time without feeling guilty about their reactions. I’ve also learned that I don’t need to respond immediately. When  I see my older son hit his brother, I can step back to understand what just happened before I decide what to do.

I am a work in progress. I know this, and I occasionally fall back on harmful habits (frustration and yelling – not hitting) that shaped my childhood. But I can see my relationships changing. I’m confident the respect I’ve cultivated will continue to grow so my children will be attached to me. My hope is their childhoods won’t be marred by the unmoored loneliness of mine, and instead be filled with security, love and joy.

Suchada writes about natural birth, breastfeeding, and green living, among other natural parenting topics on her beautiful site Mama Eve. Visit and be inspired!  She is also an editor and contributor at Natural Parents Network.

(Photo “Thoughtful” is by clairity on Flickr)

I know Suchada would appreciate hearing your thoughts…

But with children, especially infants and toddlers, I believe we must be careful.  If a child (who is not my own) reaches out to me, I will gladly receive his hug, but I would never hug a child without asking first. And unless I knew the child well, I wouldn’t ask.  

Occasionally I receive a hug from a child I don’t know at all, or may have met once. This makes me feel honored, but I also wonder: does this child give away her love too easily? Does she have safe, healthy personal boundaries? 

I also worry about the child whose abundance of affection (which has undoubtedly been encouraged by adults because it’s charming, endearing and certainly beats the alternative) makes it difficult for her to control an impulse to hug, kiss or touch too much. This may bother and upset her peers, even scare them, and cause her to be reprimanded by adults. Will she feel shamed? Will her affectionate nature be discouraged? 

How do we encourage a child to love, but also develop healthy personal boundaries, and respect those of others? 

1. Talk before touching. Slow down. Touch gently. 

A child learns respect when she is respected. This begins when we see from our baby’s point-of-view. Most of us can imagine preferring the opportunity to anticipate a touch and would rather be warned before being picked up, not hastily scooped up from behind.  And although it may feel strange to talk to a baby at first, it soon becomes second nature. Slowing down our speech, our movements, and especially our touch makes a baby feel more involved in the activities we share, more considered and respected. 

Since our hands are our babies’ welcome to the world, make it a gentle, peaceful and welcoming place for him by touching softly and slowly. 

Although it can be awkward sometimes, ask others who touch your baby to do these things, too. 

2. Deal politely, but firmly with the adoring stranger. 

A recent commenter on my post, Big Bad Mama, expressed her discomfort with the “little white lies” she was telling strangers to keep them from touching her baby. If there is a time for white lies, protecting our baby may be it. I always found it worked best to say, “He cries easily when touched,” or something like that.  Nobody wants to be responsible for making a baby cry!  If you have a rapport with the person and are comfortable with the idea of her touching or holding your baby, ask your baby first, and see if his body language indicates openness to the idea. Be sure to talk him through the situation. 

3. Ask first. Encourage your child to do the same.  

We will not always ask our own child if we can hug him, of course, though it is respectful to approach slowly and not grab him roughly or startle him. But with other children, whether they be friends’ babies or nieces and nephews, it is safest to ask before an initial touch of any kind. Treating our baby with respect, and then modeling respect for others in front of our own child is the best way to teach considerate behavior. 

If your child becomes an openly affectionate “hugger” around other children, help him begin the habit of asking first. If you are nearby, talk to the child he approaches.  “Sam wants to hug you. Is that okay with you?” If the child seems unsure or indicates that it isn’t, tell Sam he can say “hi” without touching. 

4. Protect your infant or toddler around large groups and older children. 

Often, when a child either behaves aggressively by hitting or pushing, or is suddenly intent on hugging other children in my parent/toddler classes, the parents mention that the toddler was recently exposed to loving adults and older children that hugged, kissed or played roughly with him. Commonly, these are family gatherings, and the parent is uncomfortable intervening in what seems like a joyous time of bonding.  But regardless of the fun and the fact that the infant or toddler may have laughed and enjoyed himself, his boundaries have been broken, which confuses him and may cause him to act out with other children.

The hugging and kissing I see in this situation appears to be aggressive behavior – albeit the more socially acceptable type — similar to the way an older sibling might seem to hug and kiss baby brother within an inch of his life. These are times when we must gently, but firmly intervene. 

5. Give gentle praise rather than big hooplas for respectful, affectionate acts. 

When we see our child give a spontaneous hug or kiss to a peer, it is almost impossible not to react with a joyful “Awwwwww!” But if we want to insure that our child continues to express affection genuinely and respectfully, rather than as a performance for us, it’s wise to try to temper our response, maybe say something like, “You gave your friend a hug. That was kind of you.” (We will still be quietly projecting how touched, amazed and proud we are.)  

Our restraint is an investment that will guarantee more random, unsolicited, authentic acts of affection in the future. Many may even be directed at us.

The comments that surprised me most (in an off-site follow-up discussion) expressed the opinion that infants and toddlers were simply too young to socialize. These parents believe that their children are not ready for contact with other babies, period. 

I certainly understand how intimidating social interactions between toddlers, even between infants can appear.  I’ve seen the expressions of fear, panic, and utter embarrassment on a parent’s face when his or her adorable baby seems a bit aggressive, or asserts power over another, i.e., crawls over another infant, extends a finger towards an eye (thankfully eliciting the blink reflex), pokes it into a mouth, or removes a toy from another baby’s possession.  I felt a little wound up myself when one of my children used to snatch anything and everything out of another toddler’s hands when she came over to play. 

But in my experience, these situations are not nearly as upsetting to babies as they are to adults. And when we react to infant and toddler play from our adult perspective, make judgments, and give negative attention to innocent social exploration and experimentation, we risk fanning a tiny spark into flames. 

Yes, babies have clumsy, awkward interactions, test boundaries and make plenty of social missteps. That is how they learn. But by providing safe settings for our babies to experience age-appropriate conflicts, we give them opportunities to fully encounter the other end of the spectrum – moments of authentic, joyful connection with a peer. 

Here are 5 hints for creating healthy, educational and enjoyable infant and toddler playgroups 

A familiar, safe place. Consistency. Familiarity may breed contempt in adults, but for infants and toddlers it is the key to comfort. Knowing what to expect — the usual time, place, and people give a baby the freedom he needs to explore, engage and participate with confidence.  The space should be enclosed and fully childproofed so that the children do not have to be observed every second. 

Safe, lightweight, washable, simple toys (with some multiples if possible) that can be used imaginatively in variety of ways work best. (See Infant Play – Great Minds At Work for specific examples.) 

Babies of a similar age or stage of development. Infants and toddler groups are most productive when the children are within a few months of age, or at a similar stage of development. The babies can then interact most freely and safely with a minimum of interruptions. 

Calm, observant, like-minded parents. Parents are advised to sit, relax, and exude confidence and trust. Babies are tuned in to our emotional energy and will feel tense or unsure if we do. We should allow the babies plenty of free space, with one parent staying a bit closer to the action to intervene if necessary. 

Play time provides a wonderful opportunity for infants and toddlers to initiate separation (for a change). They appreciate the independence they feel when they get to choose when to leave the parent’s side. They then signal a need to return to the secure base the parent provides by crying (if they are not mobile yet) creeping, crawling or walking towards them. 

Be sure to have at least one 10-15 minute period in which parents quietly observe the children. A peaceful atmosphere is less distracting for the babies, especially the more sensitive ones who may stay next to their parents, overwhelmed when everyone is talking.  This quiet observation period is when parents learn where their children’s interests lie and what they are working on. And it’s usually when magical moments between children occur. 

Selective intervention, modeling gentleness. The babies should be observed by a calm parent “facilitator” sitting nearby and allowed to touch each other, but stopped before they hit, pull hair, push, or otherwise hurt one another. Our instinct may be to rush in and move the “instigator’s” hand away abruptly, but if we want gentle children, we are wise to model gentle behavior. Infant expert Magda Gerber taught parents to lightly stroke the side of an infant’s head and softly say, “Gentle” to both babies when we intervene. 

Older toddlers usually know we want them to be gentle but may choose to test out something less so. In that case, the observant facilitator tries to anticipate, blocking the hit with her hand and saying calmly, but firmly, “I won’t let you hit (push, etc.)” Occasionally, a toddler is having a difficult day, needs shadowing and lots of firm, but matter-of-fact, non-judgmental intervention until he either relinquishes the need to test, or needs his parent to take him home. 

Sportscasting. When a baby is struggling, whether it is with the workings of his body, a toy or another baby, he is comforted in his situation being acknowledged and understood. “Sportscasting” is the term Magda Gerber used to describe the helpful, non-judgmental account adults are advised to give of their children’s play-by-play. “Ruby, you wanted that. Now George has it. Ruby took it back.” It is especially reassuring for a child to be acknowledged when he is upset — it seems to help him process the feelings and move on. “Sally brushed by you and it bothered you. I saw that. You’re upset.” 

But there are many more positive, precious moments in safe baby play dates than difficult ones. Infants and toddlers are energized, entertained and educated by their peers. They imitate each other’s activities and vocalizations and take great interest in every interaction.   

Is peer socialization necessary for infant /toddler development?  Probably not. But I know I wouldn’t trade the insights I’ve gained, the surprises and the laughter I’ve experienced watching babies play together for anything. I have a feeling our babies wouldn’t trade those moments either.

The key to healthy and effective discipline is our attitude. Toddlerhood is the perfect time to hone parenting skills that will provide the honest, direct, and compassionate leadership our children will depend on for years to come. 

Here are some guidelines: 

1)      Begin with a predictable environment and realistic expectations.  A predictable, daily routine enables a baby to anticipate what is expected of him. That is the beginning of discipline. Home is the ideal place for infants and toddlers to spend the majority of their day. Of course, we must take them with us to do errands sometimes, but we cannot expect a toddler’s best behavior at dinner parties, long afternoons at the mall, or when his days are loaded with scheduled activities.  

2)      Don’t be afraid, or take misbehavior personally. When toddlers act out in my classes, the parents often worry that their child might be a brat, a bully, an aggressive kid.  When parents project those fears, it can cause the child to internalize the negative personas, or at least pick up on the parent’s tension, which often exacerbates the misbehavior. Instead of labeling a child’s action, learn to nip the behavior in the bud by disallowing it nonchalantly. If your child throws a ball at your face, try not to get annoyed. He doesn’t do it because he dislikes you, and he’s not a bad child. He is asking you (toddler-style) for the limits that he needs and may not be getting. 

3)      Respond in the moment, calmly, like a CEO.  Finding the right tone for setting limits can take a bit of practice. Lately, I’ve been encouraging parents that struggle with this to imagine they are a successful CEO and that their toddler is a respected underling. The CEO corrects the errors of others with confident, commanding efficiency. She doesn’t use an unsure, questioning tone, get angry or emotional. Our child needs to feel that we are not nervous about his behavior, or ambivalent about establishing rules. He finds comfort when we are effortlessly in charge. 

Lectures, emotional reactions, scolding and punishments do not give our toddler the clarity he needs, and can create guilt and shame.  A simple, matter-of-fact “I won’t let you do that. If you throw that again I will take it away” while blocking the behavior with our hands is the best response. But react immediately. Once the moment has passed, it is too late. Wait for the next one! 

4)      Speak in first person. Parents often get in the habit of calling themselves “mommy” or “daddy”. Toddlerhood is the time to change over into first person for the most honest, direct communication possible. Toddlers test boundaries to clarify the rules. When I say “Mommy doesn’t want Emma to hit the dog”, I’m not giving my child the direct (‘you’ and ‘me’) interaction she needs. 

5)      No time out. I always think of infant expert Magda Gerber asking in her grandmotherly Hungarian accent, “Time out of what? Time out of life?” Magda was a believer in straightforward, honest language between a parent and child. She didn’t believe in gimmicks like ‘time-out’ , especially to control a child’s behavior or punish him. If a child misbehaves in a public situation, the child is usually indicating he’s tired, losing control and needs to leave.  Carrying a child to the car to go home, even if he kicks and screams, is the respectful way to handle the issue. Sometimes a child has a tantrum at home and needs to be taken to his room to flail and cry until he regains self-control. These are not punishments, but caring responses. 

6)      Consequences. A toddler learns discipline best when he experiences natural consequences for his behavior, rather than a disconnected punishment like time-out. If a child throws food, mealtime is over. If a child refuses to get dressed, we don’t go to the park today. These parental responses appeal to a child’s sense of fairness. The child may still react negatively to the consequence, but he does not feel manipulated or shamed. 

7)      Don’t discipline a child for crying. Children need rules for behavior, but their emotional responses to the limits we set (or to anything else for that matter) should be allowed, even encouraged. Toddlerhood can be a time of intense, conflicting feelings.  Children may need to express anger, frustration, confusion, exhaustion and disappointment, especially if they don’t get what they want because we’ve set a limit. A child needs the freedom to safely express his feelings without our judgment.  He may need a pillow to punch — give him one. 

8)      Unconditional love. Withdrawing our affection as a form of discipline teaches a child that our love and support turns on a dime, evaporating because of his momentary misbehavior. How can that foster a sense of security? Alfie Kohn’s New York Times article, “When A Parent’s ‘I Love You’ Means ‘Do As I Say’,” explores the damage this kind of “conditional parenting” (recommended by experts like talk show host Phil McGraw and Jo Frost of “Supernanny”) causes, as the child grows to resent, distrust and dislike his parents, feel guilt, shame, and a lack of self-worth. 

 9)    Spanking – NEVER. Most damaging of all to a relationship of trust are spankings.  And spanking is a predictor of violent behavior.  Time Magazine article, “The Long-Term Effects of Spanking” , by Alice Park,  reports findings from a recent study: “the strongest evidence yet that children’s short-term response to spanking may make them act out more in the long run.  Of the nearly 2,500 youngsters in the study, those who were spanked more frequently at age 3 were much more likely to be aggressive by age 5.” 

Purposely inflicting pain on a child cannot be done with love. Sadly however, the child often learns to associate the two. 

Loving our child does not mean keeping him happy all the time and avoiding power struggles. Often it is doing what feels hardest for us to do…saying “No” and meaning it. 

Our children deserve our direct, honest responses so they can internalize ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, and develop the authentic self-discipline needed to respect and be respected by others. As Magda Gerber wrote in Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect, “The goal is inner-discipline, self-confidence and joy in the act of cooperation.” 

For more on this subject, please read Free As A Dog (Parenting With Calm Control), and A Child’s Need For Boundaries – No Walk In The Park.

The most dreaded embarrassment parents face is when their child, purposely or accidentally, hurts another child. Naturally, we are mortified, and our children pick up on our intense dismay before they even have the chance to feel their own response. Then we become desperate for our child to say, “I’m sorry.” We rely on those two words to resolve the situation and help us save face with the other parent.

But our child is bewildered. How did moving that boy out of the way make him fall?

Children do not instantly absorb a situation or respond automatically as adults do. They take a little longer to digest an experience and process it. Our child is just beginning to put together what has happened, when suddenly she is enveloped in the enormous pressure emanating from her mom. “Tell the boy you’re sorry,” Mom says in a tone that makes the girl most uncomfortable. She wants to please, but forcing the words would feel completely false, and faking emotion does not come naturally to a child. It is learned.

Over the years I have heard many of these forced apologies. I understand the parent’s need for them, but I have to admit they always make me squirm. To truly apologize requires empathy, and empathy develops in its own way and time, at a different pace for each child. So, often the child is not developmentally ready to understand, much less own the words she’s saying.

What worries me most is the child who, because his caregiver has pushed him to always say ‘sorry,’ receives the message that apologizing fixes everything. He punches another child, but as long as he says, “I’m sorry,“ he’s excused and can move on, or even do it again. We are wrong to believe we teach empathy by forcing an insincere apology.

So, what do we do when our child hurts someone?

If a child has a tendency to act out with other children when he is tired or frustrated, we should be close by to intervene before another child is hurt. We might say firmly, “I won’t let you hit,“ then create a physical boundary between the children with our hand. Or we may have to restrain our child to stop him. If we are too late and a child is hurt, we should apologize profusely to the injured child and his parents and then remove our child immediately from the situation – it’s time to go home. Generally, when young children deliberately misbehave, they are signaling that they feel ‘out of control’ and need intervention. They cannot be expected to turn on a dime, compose themselves and express regret.

If our child is old enough to understand apologies and hurts another by accident, it is still best not to direct the child to respond. Better to acknowledge the situation, wait, and then model the behavior we want our child to emulate, as the mother did in this example from my Comments section:

…I went to the little boy, and his mom said he just had stitches removed where he got kicked. I said to him, “Ouch, I’m sorry that Hope dropped her shoe on your scar. I can understand that is a super sensitive spot. ” Meanwhile, he is showing me the spot and I say that “I see it”. My daughter dries her tears and walks over to him and finally says her honest, quiet and beautiful “I’m sorry”.

In some instances, there are better ways to make amends than apologizing, and when trusted to respond naturally, children will come up with these sincere gestures on their own. The boy who pats his opponent on the back when they collide on the soccer field, the toddler who offers a toy to a crying child, and the daughter who reaches for a towel to wipe up the spilled juice are all acting out of authentic empathy.

If we want our child to express an honest apology, we must be patient and not push. ‘Hi’, ‘goodbye’, ‘share!’ and ‘thank you’ are all loaded words for toddlers when parents demand them, but ‘I’m sorry’ takes the cake when it comes to parental expectations. Since our goal is for our child to make amends for his misdeeds because he genuinely regrets them, we must trust him to find the words in time.

We are powerful examples for our children of all that is human. We teach “I’m sorry” best by modeling it. Children need to hear us apologize to others, and also to them. They need to know that human beings are not perfect. When we say to our child, “I’m sorry, I made a mistake,” we give the child permission to make mistakes too.

While we are modeling apologies, our children will teach us again and again about forgiveness. Implicitly understanding the errors of their peers, children usually forgive immediately and return to playing together. We must grant our children that same compassion. By trusting our children to develop authentic social responses, we give them the self-confidence to be the sensitive and deeply caring human beings we hope they will become.

“Respect the child. Be not too much his parent, but also his pupil…” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

For more about children and social learning, please read Hi, Bye and Thank You, and The S Word.