The parents and caregivers I know and have known (myself included) are of a very different ilk – 180 degrees different, in fact. We’re jolted by our baby’s slightest expression of discomfort or dismay. Our instinct is to do anything in our power to stop a baby from crying. When our baby’s cries aren’t easily abated we’re unnerved, frustrated, feel like complete failures. One sound from the baby, and the pressure we feel is enormous. Make the crying stop so I can breathe again.

Perhaps we shush, rock, jiggle, use electric swings, washing machines, pacifiers, drive all over the neighborhood, nurse babies for hours on end, afraid to take them off the breast even while they sleep lest they wake up and cry. Some moms might attempt to sleep all night with a baby latched on. Our own discomfort is better than bearing even a moment of our baby’s.

We do our best to discern the different cries and respond appropriately, but doubts and comparisons loom… Apparently, ’tribal babies’ don’t cry, so what’s the matter with us?

Later, the time comes when we have to say no to our toddlers and they object to our decision and end up crying. This also feels innately wrong. So we either find ways to distract our child or just give in and please him instead, which then causes our children to make increasingly unreasonable demands…because they desperately need our “no” and their cry. But instinct and culture tell us our children shouldn’t be crying, and it’s up to us to make them stop. 

Thankfully there are some intelligent, insightful, compassionate voices of reason out there. Experts like Magda Gerber, Aletha Solter, and Patty Wipfler are champions for your baby’s emotional health…and yours, too. Their books and articles help us to understand that an infant’s cries are not only okay, they serve an important purpose. When babies cry, our job is to tune in, provide help, love and support as needed, but not necessarily stop the crying.

These experts agree that crying is the primary manner in which babies communicate, and we must, without question, respond to our baby’s cries. As Magda Gerber notes in Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect: “Crying must be responded to. But how is a more complicated issue. To follow the advice, “do not let your baby cry,” is practically impossible. At times the harder a mother or father tries to stop the baby’s crying, the more anxious everyone becomes.”

1. When we calm ourselves, we’re able to listen and respond to the true need

When we follow our impulse to quickly stop the crying, we aren’t taking the time to listen to and understand our baby’s cues and less likely to validate the baby’s communication by giving her what she really needs.

“When babies and toddlers don’t feel good, they cry in order to clear the tension they feel.  We try to get them “settled down” with patting, bouncing, walking, pacifiers, and sometimes, the breast.  We’ve been trained to believe that a baby will do better as soon as she is able to stop expressing her upset. …However, you’ll see that when you stop a baby from expressing feelings, she doesn’t actually feel better”   –Patty Wipfler, Hand In Hand Parenting

“An anxious and irritated parent (crying does irritate!) will most likely do what brings the fastest relief – give the breast or bottle. The baby almost always accepts it, calms down and often falls asleep. Of course, this is the right solution if the baby is hungry.  However, if the baby has other needs (for instance being tired or having pain), she will learn to expect food in response to these other needs, and grasp the breast or bottle even though she is not hungry.” – Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect

“Why is it so difficult to hold a crying baby and to accept the crying? Probably because few people were allowed to cry as much as needed when they were little. Your parents may have tried to stop you from crying when you were a baby. Perhaps they gave you a pacifier, or kept trying to feed you, or jiggled you every time you cried, thinking this was what you needed at the moment. Perhaps they tried to distract you with toys, music, or games, when all you needed was their undivided attention and loving arms so that you could continue with your crying.” –Aletha Solter, Aware Parenting

2. Crying is natural, healthy healing

When parents first attend my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes, I make a point of letting them know – crying is allowed here. I sense their relief. Gina from The Twin Coach wrote an insightful account of her visit to my class, but her observation that the babies “never once cried” was a rarity! Usually someone cries at least a little. At RIE we understand that babies cry and parents need not feel stressed or embarrassed about it.

”Fortunately, babies come equipped with a repair kit, and can overcome the effects of stress through the natural healing mechanism of crying. Research has shown that people of all ages benefit from a good cry, and tears help to restore the body’s chemical balance following stress.” -Solter

“… when a baby cries about something that’s not actually threatening, or something that is an unavoidable annoyance, she’s engaged in a natural and important endeavor.  She’s having some feelings, and telling you about them.” -Wipfler

“All healthy babies cry. We would worry if they didn’t cry – no infant can be raised without crying. Respond to the baby, reflecting that you are there and that eventually you will understand the reasons for the crying.” -Gerber

“A growing number of psychologists believe that the healing function of crying begins at birth, and that stress-release crying early in life will help prevent emotional and behavioral problems later on.” -Solter

3. Wild animals won’t eat our babies

Babies could not cry in primitive societies because their survival was at stake. Nor could these children squeal with exuberance like my neighbor’s children are doing at this very moment (and I love that sound), or sing at the top of their lungs in a high-pitched voice like my son often does first thing in the morning. His joyful noise is a little unnerving before the caffeine’s done its job, but I’m grateful to have a child who wakes up exceedingly happy, feels free to express himself and lives in a society in which freedom of expression is not only allowed, but encouraged and valued.

I can certainly understand relating to a particular primitive practice and choosing to adopt it. But comparing ourselves and our babies to tribal families without taking into account the context in which these ancestral behaviors “worked” makes little sense to me. The realities of our lives and the expectations we have for our children couldn’t be more different.

4. Passing down our discomfort

“Our culture tends to block and suppress the healthy expression of deep emotions. Some adults remember being punished, threatened, or even abused when they cried as children. Others remember their parents using kinder methods to stop them from crying, perhaps through food or other distractions. This early repression of crying could be one factor leading to the use of chemical agents later in life to repress painful emotions.” -Solter

“It’s painful to listen to a crying baby. Grown-ups tend to overreact to a child’s cry. Why? Because crying often stirs up painful memories of our own childhood, churning up issues of abandonment and fear. Perhaps as babies or young children we were not allowed to cry and were distracted or reproached when we did. Our children’s tears many trigger in us these buried memories of rage, helplessness, or terror, taking us back to those early years. Our baby’s message may then become muddled in our own issues. Try to listen to your baby to hear what she is saying.” -Gerber

5. Less abuse?

If we could all be more comfortable with babies crying would parents be less likely to abuse? My guess is yes.

“For instance, sometimes babies cry when we disappear into the shower, when a friendly stranger approaches, or when we put them down to crawl or walk.  Many babies develop a hatred of their car seat. Some parents decide to go for days without a shower, or to carry their baby all the time, in an effort to remedy this kind of crying.  Life gets harder, and parenting less enjoyable.” -Wipfler

6. Calm breeds calm

There is no one more sensitive than an infant and the people he is most sensitive to are his parents. Every interaction we have is an educational experience. Babies want what all of us want when we cry — to be heard, understood, and helped if possible. Sometimes the help they need is our calm support so that they can fully express their feelings.

“Do not start crazy tricks.  Infants do not need them at any age, and neither do you. Do not make babies dependent on distractions that you do not want them to depend on later. …Your baby will learn to be calm from a calm parent in a calm atmosphere.” –Gerber

7. We bond through gentle, calm listening and observing, honesty and acceptance.

“What can parents do? First of all, it is important to check for immediate needs and discomforts, such as hunger or coldness. But if your baby is still fussy after you have filled her basic needs, it is quite appropriate simply to hold her lovingly and allow her to continue crying.” -Solter

“A crying baby responds to gentleness and calmness. Respond slowly and acknowledge that she is crying by saying, “You’re crying. What’s the matter?” Next, make sure that her basic needs are taken care of.  Be sure your baby is fed and warm.  Some babies are more sensitive to a wet diaper than others, so check that.  If she is neither hungry nor tired and seems to have no other pressing need, observe her to discover the possible source of any other discomfort. Tell her you’re trying to understand what she wants. This is the start of lifelong, honest communication.” – Gerber

“After a good cry, your baby will connect with you.  And she will thrive. …You’ve listened and let her tell you, in her powerful nonverbal way, what was on her mind.  There’s nothing like being heard fully to settle a child’s mind, and help her feel loved.” -Wipfler

References (all of which I recommend):

Aletha Solter: “What To Do When Your Baby Cries” and “Crying For Comfort – Distressed Babies Need To Be Held” from Aware Parenting

Patty Wipfler: “In Your Arms Crying Heals The Hurt” from Birthways Newsletter  

Magda Gerber: Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect and Your Self Confident Baby: How To Encourage Your Child’s Natural Abilities From The Very Start

The Twin Coach: “How Doing Less Could Make You A Better Parent”

(Photo by tostadophotos.com on Flickr)

                                                Research Supports RIE’s Infant Feeding Practices

“You have to finish what’s on your plate before you can have dessert.” It’s something that many of us likely heard as children, and have possibly even used with our own kids. Wanting our children to learn not to be wasteful (or ungrateful) with their food is understandable, but it turns out that ultimatums like this may have some unintended, and possibly lasting negative, consequences.

 Parenting Style & Self-Regulation

The ways in which we interact with our children, our parenting style, has the broadest influence on a child’s behavior because it creates the emotional climate within which practices can be accepted or rejected by the child¹.

Parents, and the ways in which they interact with their child, influence the development of self-regulation, the ability of a child to govern him/herself, in very specific ways². Studies have shown that self-regulated children have parents who show positive versus negative emotion^3-5, who are accepting (not dismissing) of their children’s emotional expression^6,7, and who are not overly controlling of their children’s behavior^8,9. These are many of the basic principles of RIE, championed by Magda Gerber, which teaches parents to be responsive to their child’s needs using sensitive observation, to be fully engaged in activities when the child indicates readiness otherwise letting their children explore and play freely, and to be consistent in their behavior, clearly defining limits and expectations to develop discipline.

The Link to Health Eating Habits

Healthy self-regulation is key to healthy eating habits in children. Certain types of behavioral feeding practices, which are often closely linked to parenting style, have been shown to diminish a child’s ability to self-regulate food intake. Over time, this inability to self-regulate (to listen to internal cues of hunger and satiety) can lead to overeating, eating in the absence of hunger, and ultimately to health consequences like overweight and obesity: parents’ short term food goals end up having lasting and negative consequences down the road.

Specifically, numerous studies have shown that highly directive and/or controlling feeding practices are linked to lower self-regulation and higher weight status among children^10,11.Children who are instructed to “clean their plates” tend to be less responsive to energy density cues than children who were taught to focus on internal cues of hunger and fullness¹², and in general children whose parents were more focused on external cues of consumption, rather than trusting their children’s ability to accurately identify feelings of fullness, had lower self-regulation and greater eating in the absence of hunger^13,14. Low maternal support (which measured four dimensions of emotional support using the Relational Support Inventory[1])

Seeing is believing. In this brief video, not just one, but five extraordinary 14 to 18 month old toddlers demonstrate these things and more… (No actors were hired!)

This is the first few minutes of snack time (traditionally consisting of bananas and water in real glasses) in one of my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes. The children choose whether to come to the table and join the party or not. They quickly learn the routine, and because they love rituals and feel empowered by them, they relish each aspect. Previous to this particular class, we’d done snack with this group 7 times.

Some of the snack time rules (hand-wiping, bib-wearing) are not so strictly enforced. Others are, like sitting while you eat, not climbing on the table, and putting toys aside until snack time is over. As you can sense in the video, toddlers don’t feel hampered by these restrictions if they are given respectfully. Instead, they rise proudly to the occasion, or at least seem to appreciate the opportunity to test limits (depending on their mood that particular day).

Notice the way the first girl climbs on the table, then thinks twice about doing it a second time (probably not such an interesting thing to do when she didn’t have my attention, anyway.)

Infant specialist Magda Gerber taught parents and professionals to treat babies in this respectful manner all the time, and to pay special attention during caregiving activities. Whether the activity is feeding, bathing, dressing or undressing, diapering, nail clipping or nose-wiping, Magda suggested we…

1. Slow down. These activities are just as intriguing and educational for children (if not more so) than play. Babies need time to understand what we expect and respond appropriately, time to soak up our attention and intimacy. What’s the rush?

2. Invite participation and ask for cooperation. Babies are ready to actively participate in all aspects of their life from the very beginning, and that’s the way they like it. Rather than do things “to” babies or “for” them, do things “with” them. Be aware that infants and toddlers are developing at lightning speed and are each day capable of participating more actively, doing new things all by themselves.

3. Communicate. Talk babies through all the details, listen and respond to all their attempts to communicate. This is not only respectful, it is the best and most natural way for babies to learn language.

4. Pay full attention. Children need our nurturing presence during caregiving activities. These intervals of focused attention and connection each day refuel infants and toddlers, and make it possible for them to enjoy time away from us, playing independently.

Please share your impressions or questions…

Hi Janet,

We are writing to you as we find ourselves facing a very frustrating situation. Here it is: We are having trouble during our 20 month old daughter Angie’s mealtimes and that is having a bad effect on me and Catherine.

She refuses to eat anything at all. It is the same food which we were giving her till last month, which she used to eat with a lot of gusto, but now she is turning her head away at the first instance, and even pushes the spoon away. My wife and I are having to resort to one of the following techniques to get her to eat:

• Point out all the interesting things in the house — dogs, cats and other things — distract her and shove food into her mouth

• Take her in our arms round and round the house, show her sights and smells and somehow shove food into her mouth.

Obviously, there are days this works and all is well, but on the days it doesn’t we end up screaming at her, telling her that we are doing so much for her and so on. (No, she might not understand, but you get the picture.)

We are at the end of our rope and, as usual, are turning to you. Please help!!!

Thanks a lot.

Regards,

Catherine
and Josh

Hi Catherine and Josh,

First, thank you for trusting me with your plea for help. As loving as I know your intentions are, my plea to you is to stop this strategy of diversion with your daughter. Your worry and frustration about her not eating is understandable, but in order to resolve the issue – believe it or not – I recommend doing something totally counterintuitive… trust her. Trust her to eat what her tummy needs when her tummy needs it, and don’t offer her one bite more than she requests.

Here’s why…

Healthy eating

Children typically go through appetite phases, and just like adults, sometimes they’re not hungry. Children are not naturally inclined to starve themselves, so assuming you’ve checked with your doctor for any medical reasons for your daughter’s loss of appetite, it is likely the result of these normal fluctuations. Problems arise when meals become power struggles instead of relaxing and enjoyable times to focus on food and each other. Struggles at mealtime can actually cause the very problem we are hoping to resolve – a child who won’t eat.

Healthy eating is about listening to our body’s signals. When we stop trusting our child to know her body and start trying to “get her to eat”, we risk disrupting her ability to read signals regarding hunger and fullness, which can potentially affect healthy eating in the near and distant future. Even subtle coaxing and encouragements (like congratulations for a clean plate) can thwart healthy eating, because mealtimes become about pleasing or displeasing parents rather than listening to one’s tummy and enjoying food.

Respect vs. manipulation

How does a child feel when she has food shoved into her mouth while she’s distracted? I know you don’t intend it as such, but this is a kind of assault. Certainly, she feels disrespected and manipulated, which then makes her feel distrust. Fooling children into compliance is a quick fix that can have long term consequences.

As benign as it may seem, I even object to “dream feeding” (breastfeeding or bottle feeding an asleep baby) which some experts advise for helping babies sleep longer through the night. I understand parents’ desperation for a few more hours of sleep, but I worry about doing things to a baby without her awareness. Would you want to be fed or have your nails or hair cut while you’re asleep? Babies need us to be open, honest and authentic, not sneaky and tricky. In relationships, honesty is everything.

Discouraging focus

Distracting a child not only undermines trust, it trains our child to be inattentive and unaware. Do we really want our children to get into the habit of disengagement? Will encouraging a child to be out-to-lunch at lunchtime affect her general ability to focus and concentrate? These sensitive early years have a profound effect on brain development, and we can’t be too careful.

More resistance

Toddlers are perceptive. When they feel manipulated they react with more resistance, which breeds more manipulation. This pits parent against child, when what we really desire is a close, trusting connection and partnership.

Parents know best, much of the time. But our baby is the one and only expert on the inner workings of her body and mind. Only your daughter knows (and will ever know) when she is hungry, what she would choose to eat, and how much she needs. So be clear about the behavior you expect when she eats (i.e., require that she sits and doesn’t throw food), present a couple of healthy food choices and then let go and let Angie be totally in charge of her tummy, even if it means she skips a meal or two. Stop working at it, and I guarantee she’ll stop refusing to eat.

Isn’t it a relief to know that you can trust her?

Warm wishes,

Janet

P.S. I’ve written much more on this subject (with many more specific suggestions) in Dodging A Toddler Food Fight and Mindful Mouthfuls.

I am beyond excited to have found your blog Janet, and this debate has been so revealing for me. My daughter is almost 1 year old and I have been practicing Attachment Parenting because it has made sense to me. This blog is my first more formal introduction to RIE and I am having a huge A-HA moment! Thank you so much, I can’t wait to learn more about this thinking and approach. I have a question I wonder if you would address. From a RIE approach how does a parent approach changing a pattern that has been set into place?

In our case I have gotten my daughter into being solely dependent on my breast during the nighttime hours. She still wakes several times every night and “needs” to have my breast to calm and return to sleep – sometimes this return to deep sleep happens INSTANTLY, and other times she actually nurses although she is usually in a certain level of sleep the whole time. That is to say, she is rarely truly awake. If I do not give her the breast she wakes fully and is soon screaming until she is returned to the breast. She always quickly returns to deep sleep after being put to the breast. Although most of the hours of our nights are spent in sleep, I am tired of waking so many times in the night, every night, and can clearly see that this is a pattern that I have created. But how to change it? Thankfully, I have not been so indiscriminate in daytime hours, although I have used the breast to comfort when I might have paid attention differently and tried other methods.

I am fascinated by human development and with the parenting process, so I can’t wait to start using RIE insights to help me parent better.

Thanks in advance for any help! Megan

          Hi Megan,

First, I just want to mention that the pattern you recognize (so astutely) you’ve created is a version of what most of us do — a perfectly understandable response to our baby’s cries, especially during the night. A baby’s cries are heart-wrenching for us to hear, designed by Nature to arouse us from a deep sleep. We are inclined to believe that every cry is a call to immediate action and resolution, and breastfeeding (or a pacifier) can appear to be the immediate answer. Our instincts tell us to make the crying stop, rather than to support our baby’s emotional health by hearing, acknowledging and understanding cries before we act.  Crying babies make us feel like bad parents.

When babies cry in my parent/infant classes for whatever reason, I try to reassure parents that crying is allowed at RIE, and that a baby’s cries are not a judgment against them — quite the contrary. It takes a brave and enlightened parent to remain calm and listen when a baby cries. Babies cry to communicate a variety of needs – and sometimes the need is to cry.

Struggles at bedtime are particularly difficult for parents to endure. We’re tired and weary, and keeping the peace at night — getting everyone back to sleep as quickly and easily as possible — is a priority. We nurse, rock, use a pacifier…whatever it takes.

Some babies will eventually transition on their own to un-aided sleep, but most want to continue (and continue, and continue) going to sleep the way they are used to…who can blame them? And if the arrangement is comfortable for the parents, and the baby seems to be functioning well during the day, there’s little reason to make a change.

But you are an insightful mom (and tired), and you sound ready to help your baby find a healthier pattern. The great news is that babies are extremely adaptable, and once we commit to changing a habit of any kind and project confidence in our decision (the most important element for success) babies usually only need a few days to make a transition. I only wish that I could tell you it will be seamless and soundless!

Actually, helping our child change habits of any kind is usually much easier than we imagine it will be, once we are sure that the change is best for all concerned.  But if we (our child’s leader) are tentative, uneasy or uncertain, it is much more difficult for the child to transition comfortably. Children sense our ambivalence a mile away. 

So, first make a plan and proceed with confidence.

Then, give your baby a little preparation in advance. Infant expert Magda Gerber encouraged parents to talk honestly to babies about changes in their routines (and every other aspect of their lives, for that matter) and to include them in the process. “Tonight, if you wake up, we won’t be having milk. I want you to go right back to sleep, so you get a really good rest.”

Believe your baby capable of falling asleep independently rather than worrying, or pitying her.

Then do less, and allow your baby to do more. Instead of nursing in the night, you might stroke your baby and talk softly, allow her feelings to be expressed and acknowledge them. “I hear you. You want milk to help you sleep and you’re upset. It’s time to go back to sleep. You can do it.” And she really and truly can with your support and belief in her.

For more support and information about crying and emotional health, sleep, and changing patterns, I highly recommend these articles:

Baby Sleep Struggles, Changing Toddler Sleep Habits and Baby’s “No Cry” Sleep Is Exhausting, guest posts here by sleep specialist Eileen Henry

Allowing Crying Without Crying It Out on Natural Parents Network and How Respect Is Getting Me More Sleep, both by Suchada Eickemeyer from “Mama Eve”, another Attachment Parenting enthusiast who has been recently introduced to and inspired by RIE.

Emotional Health And Development Of Self-Esteem In Infants by Roseann Murphy at Little River School Online

Interview With Aletha Solter On Crying And High-Needs Infants at Aware Parenting.com

My posts: Babies Breaking Habits, Toddlers Dealing With Change and Sleep On This

I love your enthusiasm for the RIE Approach, and I’ll do all I can to help.

Warmly,      Janet                                                                                                                                                                                                        

I’m hoping you can help me and my wife and give us some advice in regards to some recent food issues with our 18 1/2 month old daughter, Tessa.

When we put Tessa on solids a little over a year ago, she took them with fervor. She ate up everything. My wife worked like crazy and made all of the baby food ground up from organic veggies. Tessa loved everything. As time went on, we added turkey meat, eggs and other foods. Tessa continued to like everything. 

Now in recent months, Tessa’s not eating as much as she was and she is incredibly picky. We’re wondering what happened to that little girl who devoured everything at all her meals. Today for lunch, I made her scrambled eggs with green beans and cheese. Eggs were always one of her favorites. Today, she put a few pieces and immediately spit it out. I waited and kept encouraging her to eat and telling her she likes eggs. After playing with them for about five minutes, she put another piece in her mouth which of course, she immediately spit out and then cleared her entire tray of food onto the floor. 

Our mealtimes are increasingly becoming this type of battle and it’s wearing on me and my wife. We spent a week in Portland last week and every meal out was a nightmare to the point we started getting food to take out and eating in our hotel room. 

I thought teething was the issue for a while so I was willing to give Tessa a break and offering different foods, but now I’m worried this is going to become a habit and I’m hoping for some help.

Thanks  Janet!

Chris

Hi Chris,

I love toddlers.  Open, aware, sensitive and intuitive, they’ve had us pegged since their first weeks in our arms, and we now begin to discover how truly brilliant they are.  

First, as I imagine you’ve done already, rule out any possible medical issues by checking with your doctor, especially if Tessa is losing weight or not gaining properly. But even if she does have a digestive issue of some kind, the family goal is for mealtimes to revert back to being a peaceful, comfortable time to focus on eating and each other rather than a battleground. Here’s what I’m guessing may have happened…

Blessed with doting parents who value healthy food and  “worked like crazy” to give her la crème de la crème from her very first mouthful, Tessa responded beautifully and rewarded her parents’ efforts by eating with gusto. At mealtime, the family was not only refueled by delicious food, it was an unadulterated success for everyone. Happy times.

Then something happened. Your guess is as good – or better – than mine: teething, a cold, a change of taste, or just a period of growth when Tessa didn’t have her usual appetite (children go through phases when they eat less). This change in Tessa’s eating caused her parents a teensy weensy bit of concern, her antenna picked up a “vibe” (with a toddler’s sixth sense, it doesn’t take much), and she felt some tension surrounding her and food.

At the same time, because she is secure in her parents’ love, Tessa is beginning to explore some areas of interest two year olds are fond of – testing, independence, power, control, will. Fun stuff.  This stage of development is trying for parents. It takes practice to find the healthy balance of power with a toddler, but resisting her parents and asserting herself is exactly what Tessa should be doing. She’s right on track.

Eating is an area Tessa controls and needs to control. She is the only one who knows when she’s hungry and when she’s full. She has to listen to her tummy and trust herself. Lately, mealtime has become a little too “loaded” for her to be able to listen.  She’s not trying to torture you; she’s just feeling her power and playing her role, which is to resist anything she perceives as pressure.  

Here are my suggestions for a truce.

Don’t invest or anticipate.

Lower your expectations about mealtimes with Tessa. (After your recent experiences, this probably goes without saying!) This isn’t the time for you or your wife to prepare meals for Tessa à la Julia Child and set yourselves up for feeling disappointed and unappreciated. Do that when it’s just the two of you, but for Tessa keep it simple.

Since you’re human, you may be projecting your anticipation (or even dread) of a scene at mealtime without realizing it.  When we’ve been dealing with weeks of resistance from our children, whether it’s about eating, diaper changes, going to bed or whatever, we can’t help but project trepidation, which can make matters worse. Since toddlers sense our feelings, wiping the slate clean and projecting confidence and calmness works best. Likewise it helps to…

Temper reactions and responses. Be aware of subtext.

Make eating solely about the relationship between Tessa and her tummy. Don’t get excited when she eats well, disappointed when she doesn’t, coax or encourage her. For now and the future, be careful not to give Tessa the impression that the amount she eats pleases or even affects mom, dad or anyone. Instead, encourage her to focus on her physical needs — her appetite and sense of fullness — by staying neutral. This requires tempering feelings, curbing both enthusiasm and worry. Since our toddlers are very, very, very smart and can read between the lines, we can’t even give them the gentle reminder that they like eggs without them sensing our agenda. Believe it.

I’ve had parents in my classes with underweight toddlers — one who was even told the child had “failure to thrive”. Imagine how challenging it was to stay neutral when food was presented and not worry. One mom realized it worked best to leave the room and let her toddler eat meals with just her older sister whenever possible until the toddler gained enough weight for the mom to be able to stop projecting tension. I’m not suggesting anyone do this, just illustrating the powerful effect we can have.

Give choices and small portions.

Present less than you think Tessa will eat – very small amounts of 3 or 4 types of food. Keep the rest handy. Let her eat as much or as little as she wishes and be the one to ask for more. What she chooses and how much she swallows has to be in her control.  Be sure to let her know that when she signals she is done — slows down, starts fiddling with food or (ahem) throwing it down — mealtime is over and she won’t have another opportunity to eat until the next meal or snack. This isn’t punitive, it’s giving her the autonomy, choices, limits and consequences she needs. 

Try not to get angry or annoyed if she acts out with food. Keep your cool and say something like, “Hmmm. You’re spitting. You must be telling me you’re done.”  Then follow through with conviction by taking the food away and kindly helping her out of her chair, always telling Tessa what you are doing.

Switching out a highchair for a toddler-sized table and chair or stool works wonders to eliminate eating battles. For details and a brief video demonstration, please see Baby Table Manners.

Let go and trust.

Channeling Marianne Williamson: ’trusting and letting go’ are recurring themes for parents, too, and it’s always a struggle to figure out how and when to do it.  Toddlers sometimes lose their appetites when they feel pressured around eating (or get constipated when they feel nudged to toilet train), but they don’t go on serious hunger strikes. Project trust, be okay with it even if Tessa skips a few meals, and she’ll be back to normal again soon, and onto testing elsewhere!

Bon Appètit!                                                                                                                                                                             Janet

(Chris shares his parenting escapades as Tessa’s dad on his blog:  Stay at Home Dad in Lansing )

As always, I’d love to hear other opinions…

“Watch Your Language: Should ‘Intimate’ Be Used To Describe Breastfeeding?”, a post on the site Blacktating, stimulated a lively discussion.  Author Elita’s point: a photo of a woman breastfeeding (she shares a specific example) should not be considered intimate – “intimate” implies something private and sexual. Although breastfeeding can be a tender time of bonding, it’s often “just a meal”.  It should be openly engaged in anywhere and not necessarily given special attention, or any attention. “Although I did stare into my son’s eyes and kiss his fingers and yes, cry, while he nursed, I also read books and magazines, fooled around on Facebook, watched TV and was downright bored.” 

Commenters disagreed with Elita about the term ‘intimate’ connoting sexuality, but most concurred that while breastfeeding can be a time of love and intimacy, it is just as often “servicing” a baby. “Fast food”, one mom called it.   

‘Intimate’ is not just a sexual word in my book (or the dictionary for that matter), and there’s no getting around the fact that breastfeeding is a physically intimate activity.  My point (and infant expert Magda Gerber’s belief ): babies need it to be emotionally intimate, too. That doesn’t mean we have to be behind closed doors, staring in each other’s eyes. But it does mean being present, whether we’re feeling bored, tired, impatient or lonely, whether our eyes are open or closed, whether we’re in the middle of a shopping mall, on a bus stop bench, or cozy in our chair at home.  Our baby needs us to share the experience, to include him, not be somewhere else. 

What disturbs me is not a mom’s choice to make a particular feeding session “just a meal”.  It is the assumption that our choice makes no difference to a baby.  There is a perception implicit in the comments in the Blacktating discussion, elsewhere on the web, and pervasive in our culture that babies are not as conscious and aware as you and me. They are not fully present, not quite real people yet. I once had this view myself, so I understand it. But, in fact, recent studies like the ones reported in Jonah Lehrer’s  Wired Science – The Frontal Cortex show that babies are even more aware than we are, because they lack the neurological ability older children and adults have to tune out stimuli. 

What is our baby thinking when we’re watching TV or on Facebook while he’s sucking away?  Does he feel valued…or totally insignificant? How might our inattention affect his self-worth?  Granted, it is easy to underestimate and ignore a person who has very limited communication abilities. Babies can’t ask for our attention. They accept what we give and come to expect it, but isn’t that all the more reason to give them the benefit of any doubt?  

Our baby is new to the world, and every moment we spend touching and holding him is a lesson about intimacy, about what it means to be in a relationship with another.  We don’t have to be a perfect parent — stuff happens, and we can’t always be attentive while we feed our baby. We just have to perceive our baby as a person, a partner, and have the good intention to include him whether it works out each time or not. That might mean acknowledging, “I’m sorry, I’m so tired that I’m going to close my eyes while you drink, but I love you.” Or, “It’s loud and distracting here, I know. “  Or even, “Just let me accept this friend request and I’ll be right back with you.”

Bloggers like Elita, who created her site “because of her passionate commitment to breastfeeding”, are admirably spreading the word that breastfeeding is the optimal choice for mothers and should be openly accepted and encouraged by society. I share her concern that the notion of attentive feeding can be intimidating and overwhelming for new moms, who may be struggling to establish breastfeeding, needing to do whatever it takes to get through the early months.  But the issue is not about being perfectly attentive every time. It’s an attitude. It’s making those times when we’re distracted the exception, so our babies can learn that physical and emotional intimacy belong together.

I like to break out and do different things once in awhile, but one of the many things I have in common with babies (arrested development?) is my attraction to routine.  My habits have shifted over the years, and some have been healthier than others, but they’ve always given me comfort. I look forward to these rituals and really like knowing I can depend on them.

Imagine what it’s like to be an infant. The world is all brand new — a fascinating, stimulating sensory delight — but the constant transitions, surprises and novelty can be intense and overwhelming.  Combine that with the fact that we are growing, changing more rapidly than we ever will, so even what we know can feel different the next day. (Like the way my adolescent daughter feels when she wakes at noon and thinks the kitchen table and her mom have shrunk because she’s grown a half inch.) 

We need responsive, reliable parents and caregivers to feel secure, but wouldn’t it also be nice to depend on some daily experiences? To be able to predict, for example, that after our morning meal and diaper change we’ll go to a familiar place to play. Or know that after our dinner and evening bath we will enjoy a book, close the shades, hear a lullaby we’ve begun to recognize and be gently placed in a cozy bed to sleep.

In a life full of changes we cannot control, creating routines and rituals is one of the most respectful and empowering things we can do for our babies.

Infant expert Magda Gerber emphasized the importance of establishing a daily sequence of events — not arbitrarily imposed, inflexible, or on the clock, but formed together with our babies in response to their individual needs. “In a predictable environment, and with regular, dependable schedules, they feel comfortable, cry less, and life is easier for both infant and parents. Infants who do not need to adjust to too much unnecessary stimulation will eventually regulate their sleeping and eating patterns. This regularity will, in turn, give parents some predictable time for their own needs and interests.”

It takes a little time to find a rhythm with our babies. Even in the giddy, chaotic, sleepless first days with a newborn, we can begin by getting into the habit of telling our infant what will happen next. “I’m going to carry you to the diaper table. Then we will unsnap your pajamas.” Soon our baby learns what he can expect. He feels more participatory in experiences he can predict and anticipate for himself. “After I drink milk in the morning, we usually go outside to my playpen under the tree.”

As our infants become toddlers, it’s easy to recognize that even the simplest rituals empower them. And when children know what to expect, they are inspired to immerse themselves in an experience and gain more pleasure from it. If I had any doubt about babies loving rituals, it would be shattered by the way the children in my life have always enjoyed creating them on their own.

One example of this began spontaneously. Snack time in the weekly RIE Parent/Toddler Classes is all about ritual. Each ceremonial step is anticipated and relished by the children, and as they get older they gradually help and participate more, physically, communicatively, and then verbally. First we place the mat on the floor, or the deck outside if it’s nice weather. Then we bring out the table and stools. The children who want to participate sit, and we take turns washing hands with a wet cloth. Then each child chooses a bib. Next they get a turn to help peel the first banana, and are then are offered pieces to eat. After eating some banana we bring out the glasses (yes, glasses!) and little glass carafes from which the toddlers learn to pour water into their glasses…and boy, do they love that part.

One day, a 17 month old boy choked a little and coughed when he drank a sip of water, so I patted him gently on the back.  He then coughed again, and I repeated the patting. Then a girl at the table coughed. When I responded with a pat, she grinned. Before long others tried it too, and we all laughed uproariously. Predictably, fake coughing, patting and laughing became a reliable and highly anticipated addition to our snack ritual each week.

Some believe that our babies will learn to be more adaptable if we expose them to our hectic lives. They argue that the parent’s constant presence and responsive care is the only consistency a baby needs to feel secure.  The years Magda Gerber spent studying infants led her to disagree. “Being exposed to circumstances we cannot anticipate nor understand, and in which we cannot actively participate, makes us feel helpless, like riding on a perpetual merry-go-round. Anticipating a change, on the other hand, gives us a feeling of being prepared, of being in control,” she wrote in Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect.

Magda believed that a secure, self-confident baby who has had the opportunity to build trust in his environment is more flexible and amenable to changes in his routine, and I’ve found this to be true with my children. They have quite different personalities, but all three are amazingly secure, self-confident, independent and much more adaptable to change than I ever was…or probably ever will be.

Do you have rituals with your children? Do you have your own?

As busy new parents we’re usually focused on the mechanics of breast or bottle-feeding, then introducing solids: when to start, which foods, in what order, how much and how to provide the best nutrition. But most of us also hope to foster healthy eating behaviors for our children. We want to do all in our power to prevent eating disorders, childhood obesity (an issue of increasing concern), and even the subtler issues some of us struggle with, like the impulse to clean our plates or eat for emotional reasons. We are creatures of habit, and the first years in our child’s life are by far the easiest time to establish healthy ones. 

Here are some feeding suggestions advised by infant specialist Magda Gerber that help establish positive eating behaviors. 

Relax and enjoy breast or bottle feedings. Make eating a focused, intimate, stress-free time together.  

Prepare the way for family dinners by making feedings a time for intimacy and social exchange. When we turn off the phone, computer, TV, and avoid other distractions to make feeding time sacred, we benefit our babies in many ways… 

• Babies are refueled by the loving attention they get while nursing or bottle-feeding to then enjoy time playing independently.  
• They learn that eating is a time to be mentally present, rather than being taught to ignore the experience by a distracted parent. 
• Most importantly, our baby feels respected and valued when she is asked to actively participate in a feeding experience with us, rather than just being fed. 

I recently read a comment from a mother who didn’t believe she should pay attention to her son while he breastfed because whenever she talked to him he stopped nursing. All I could think was — what a polite boy to stop sucking to listen to what his mom was saying! It sounded to me like he was trying his best to engage. 

Tune in, and take care to not overfeed.   

Paying attention to our baby during feedings also helps develop her internal cues to signal fullness. A recent study reported in Science Daily concluded that “tuning in” comes more easily when we breastfeed because, according to researcher Katherine F. Isselmann, M.P.H., “…with breast-feeding, the ability to measure in ounces how much a baby has eaten isn’t there, so mothers can become more in tune with when their babies are done eating and babies are able to develop their own internal cues to signal when they feel full.” The study compared preschool-aged children who had been breastfed with those who had been bottle fed with pumped breast milk and found that breastfed children could more easily determine when they were full and had a lower body mass index (BMI) than those fed by bottle. 

If we bottle-feed, we must make a concerted effort to tune in to our baby’s signals and be less focused on the ounces in the bottle. 

Be careful with comfort food.  

Nursing a baby when she cries for reasons other than hunger, rewarding or soothing children with food can create dependencies — a slippery slope.  Ideally, these are exceptions, not the rule. We are always teaching our children, and the safest lesson for our babies to learn about food is to drink when thirsty, eat when hungry. Period. 

Small portions and no “one more bites”. 

When introducing solids, Magda Gerber suggested placing a very small amount of food in the baby’s dish (with a larger bowl nearby), so that rather than feel overwhelmed by too much food, the baby has the opportunity to signal for ‘more’. We want to trust our babies to be “in charge” of their appetites, to indicate a desire for food by opening their mouths when we present them with a bite or spoonful. “Here comes the airplane” or “Just one more bite” coaxing can turn feeding into something our babies do to please us, encourage overeating, or make eating a power struggle. 

To give babies even more opportunity for active participation when they eat, offer the baby an extra spoon so she can practice. But when practicing becomes “playing with food”, gently discourage it. 

Highchair-free eating. 

Highchairs are considered a baby care staple, but Magda Gerber taught a unique approach to feeding babies without them. Magda’s method is conducive to intimacy during feedings and also encourages our baby’s independence.  Since many of you have expressed interest in hearing more, I’ll briefly explain… 

If solids are introduced before a baby is able to sit well and autonomously – meaning not propped or positioned, but able to attain a sitting position easily, entirely on their own – the baby is fed while reclining in the parent’s arms on the parent’s lap at the table. My husband and I wore an apron when we enjoyed these feeding adventures with our babies. 

Then, when the baby sits easily and independently, you can transition to a small table (like breakfast-in-bed tray with legs, wooden footstool with a level top, one of the wonderful kidney-shaped tables we use in RIE parenting classes, or something you or your talented carpenter husband can make). The baby sits on the floor, then later on a small stool or chair, while you sit across the table from her. 

Toddlers love the independence they have when they can sit with their feet on the floor. They also appreciate the freedom to leave the table to signal they are finished eating rather than waiting to be removed from a highchair. (For more, including a video demonstration, please read Baby Table Manners.) 

No ‘squat-and-gobble’. Sit down while eating, wherever and whenever.  

Sitting down while eating, even if it’s just for snacks on a patch of grass in the park, helps prevent choking accidents and encourages relaxed, attentive eating. It’s also good manners, especially when visiting the homes of others (who might not welcome a trail of cracker crumbs). Asking a baby to sit when he eats is a sensible first behavior boundary. Don’t let your toddler trick you into following him around with food in your hand. When infants and toddlers are hungry, they are absolutely capable of sitting down if we are consistent and clear about expecting it. 

Eating while playing, playing while eating. 

Help your child learn to keep activities separate to help delineate meals and snacks as times to focus on food. Asking a child to sit (rather than climb monkey bars) while he eats is one way — keeping toys away from the table is another. Ask your toddler to please put his toy down until he is finished eating. 

Don’t worry.  

Babies, especially when they become toddlers, don’t always eat the way we expect them to, and it’s easy to become anxious if our child doesn’t seem to be eating enough, especially if he isn’t gaining weight normally. Of course we must check in regularly with our baby’s doctor, explore possible allergies, illnesses or digestive issues. But try to be calm during baby’s mealtimes. He senses our tension and it can make eating more difficult for him in the short term, and possibly contribute to problems down the road.  

Model healthy eating. 

We know we should walk the walk, but darn, we like to eat while we’re standing up and running around.  This is yet another instance when our babies make us better. 

Only our baby can know his own appetite. So, our goal might be to encourage him to stay attuned, to keep listening, and trusting his tummy. And if he establishes healthy eating behaviors in these formative first years…we can all fudge later.

At the end of the day, everyone is trying to be the best parent possible, and that’s why I have so much empathy for those that feel judged. I have felt judged. Oh, boy, have I felt judged (see Big Bad Mama). But I do think we should be as well-informed about parenting choices as possible before deciding what works for us.

I believe the idea that babies are best comforted by keeping a nipple (of any kind) in their mouths is a misconception that can make breastfeeding needlessly daunting. We are all so afraid of the tears. I agree they go straight to the heart and are impossible to hear, but how is a baby ever going feel comfortable with his feelings if his parents aren’t?

There’s a reason I was able to breastfeed 3 children and give them one-on-one time while I nursed: I allowed them to cry sometimes. When they were uncomfortable for reasons besides hunger, I tried to find out what they needed. Sometimes they just needed the release of crying. I didn’t run off and leave them. I stayed with them, but tried to calm myself and allow them to cry when they seemed to need that. If an older child wanted me for something while I was nursing the baby, they had to wait. Sometimes they cried, but they knew they would get focused time with me later.

I also allowed my babies time to move freely in a safe cozy place while I watched them, did chores, or just took a break. I learned that infants need lots of time and space to initiate their own activities and think their own thoughts. They need time to stretch, explore their hands and feet, twist, gaze at shadows or whatever else they choose, and reach for simple toys we place near them. Infants want to begin exploring the world on their terms, not always be a passenger to whatever parents are doing. Watching what they do, discovering and appreciating their unique personalities are rewards for our hard work.

Babies get used to whatever we do with them, so if they are used to our constant carrying, then they don’t know what they are missing, and they just want more carrying. If I carried and fed a baby all day for comfort; if I showed babies my world all the time rather than allowing them to discover theirs, I would have to multi-task while I fed, I suppose.

I may be an idealist, but I’m no martyr. In fact, I’m quite lazy. I just believe in different priorities for babies (and for moms, too). I’ve seen that babies are capable of exploring, thinking, having their own interests, self-learning, and expressing their feelings just like adults.  They also deserve a loved one’s attention when they are physically close, just the way adults do.

I present this point-of-view as an option to be considered. It is time-tested and research-supported. It isn’t always easier in the short term, but it is much easier in the long-term. It makes life easier for parent and child because it helps your baby becomes the secure, inner-directed, emotionally expressive, capable, and self-confident person he or she was born to be. But there are lots of good ways to raise babies. Let’s continue to share what we know and support each other.

 For more context, please read Beyond Bottles And Breasts – The Key To Whole Baby Nourishment,  especially the Comments section.