So when a mom from one of my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes (in which we strongly advise and encourage natural gross motor development) sent me a video of her 15 month old skillfully mastering this piece of equipment, my response after blinking several times was you’ve got to be kidding. This video is a brilliant illustration of the benefits of not teaching, restricting or otherwise interfering with the development of motor skills…

Hi Janet,

I’ve missed being at your class but R. is really getting great at enjoying his independent play.  He can walk to his room and play while we get ready for work sometimes.  And can definitely occupy himself in the living room for a few minutes while I’m making breakfast.

Anyway, I know you know that R. has always been very into climbing.  Every Wednesday I take him to a park that has a good toddler size slide/jungle gym.  Two weeks ago he tried climbing up this blue ladder and I spotted him all the way up.  He took pause and I was able to just tell him where to put his hand and he made it all the way up on his own.  I was so excited for him! And this week he tried it again a few times and I had Brad take a video I thought you might like to see.

Have a great week!
Thanks,
Margaret

Note that this boy is not only physically fearless and able, he is also relaxed, focused, centered, aware and confident. This is the result of being allowed to develop naturally, in accordance with his inborn timetable, which means…

1. His parents have basic trust in him as a competent, capable person.  They observe his play sensitively (but not fearfully) and are nearby to spot (without touching him) when he’s attempting new skills.

2. He has had plenty of time each day to move freely, independently and unassisted since he was born, beginning on his back. Time spent in restrictive devices like car seats, strollers, carriers, infant seats, swings, jumpers and walkers has been minimal or not at all.

3. He hasn’t been taught or “helped” to sit, stand or walk. His parents and caregivers don’t position him, hold his hands to aid him up and down steps; place him on or take him down from furniture or other equipment.  They trust that if he can climb up independently, he can also get down independently with spotting and a bit of vocal direction and encouragement (if he seems to need it).

4. Though carefully spotted, he’s given the space, time and freedom to discover his own way of doing things whenever possible. For example, babies usually choose to go down steps head first.

5. He’s allowed to choose play activities and repeat them as much as he likes. He’s trusted to be inner-directed — know exactly what he’s working on, demonstrate readiness by doing it. Whether what he chooses to do seems like a lot or a little, it’s always enough in his parents’ eyes.

“Every baby moves with more ease and efficiency if allowed to do it at his own time and in his own way, without our trying to teach him. A child who has always been allowed to move freely develops not only an agile body but also good judgment about what he can and cannot do.” - Magda Gerber

“It turns out nature has a plan, and it’s a good one.  …gross motor abilities will unfold before our eyes- no adult help or intervention needed.” -Lisa Sunbury, No Tummy Time Necessary 

Looking forward to hearing your impressions!

(Photo by Victor Bezrukov on Flickr)

I find that I’m overwhelmed trying to determine what our little one will truly “need”, versus what mainstream parenting says we need. My sister just had her first child in July, and she and my mother have offered a lot of advice to me (with the best of intentions). I’m just trying to get to the meat of it and figure out what we will really need (such as a crib) as opposed to what “makes life easier” (such as a bouncy seat).

Does anyone have any good resources for a RIE-centered checklist of sorts, telling my husband and I what we can’t live without? Or, parents out there, what did you find indispensable, and what did you buy or receive that you didn’t use or found counter to this philosophy?

Thanks!

(From the community forum)

Very exciting news!

What a great idea – a RIE new baby checklist. As far as I know, one doesn’t exist, so I’m jumping in first to give you my list, but I hope this doesn’t discourage other parents and educators from sharing theirs. I really want to hear from all of you!

This is a list for parents who want to enable their baby to develop gross motor skills naturally, encourage independent play, and make care-giving activities (diaper changes, feedings, etc.) enjoyable opportunities for relationship building.

Needs…

1. Crib (or not, depending on your desired sleeping arrangement)

2. Bassinet – cozy for babies and convenient for parents in the first months for night feedings

3. Changing table – as large as possible (with rails for maximum safety) to allow an older infant/toddler to move and re-position

4. Playpen or gated play space – creating safe play spaces is a vital necessity for independent play

5. Car seat

6. Carrier or stroller

7. Sofa or chair for a comfortable feeding place

8. Comfy, easy to move in clothes

9. Blankets, diapers, washcloths, bottles (if you will use them)

Might want…

1. Baby bathtub – I used the kitchen sink mostly, but some people prefer the small tub

2. Diaper bag – definitely nice and convenient, but any bag will do

Don’t need…

1. Bouncy seat – will not “make life easier” in the long run because it creates a dependency on being upright that makes it harder to establish the habit of independent play and interferes with natural gross motor development

2. Swings, walkers, jumpers, exersaucers – ditto, above. The motion of the swing puts babies in an unnatural, altered state (mine got a really scary, glassy-eyed, thousand-yard-stare on her face) before eventually sending them to sleep.

3. Busy, entertaining “play gyms” and toys – they won’t hurt if used occasionally, but keep in mind that babies can easily become used to us providing activity and entertainment. When we do less, our baby does more and learns more, we relax and enjoy most – yay!

4. DVDs – don’t get me started

5. New gizmos I haven’t even heard of yet – We’ve lived without them this long, so I highly doubt you’ll  need any of them now (but I always get a kick and an eye-roll out of hearing about them, so please share)

6. High chair – although many RIE enthusiasts use them and they are convenient for family gatherings, they aren’t necessary. We recommend lap feeding (see Mindful Mouthfuls) and then transitioning to a small table and chair or stool when the baby can sit independently.

7. Donut shaped propping pillows – I don’t recommend propping babies for the reasons stated above regarding “bouncy seats”, but I placed my pillow around my waist and it made a great nursing pillow/armrest.

8. Mobile over the crib – if you do get a mobile that you like, place it in the corner of the room so that the baby can choose to look at it rather than being stuck with it in front of his or her face

9. Pacifiers – I know it might be scary to go pacifier-free (and many RIE parents I know resort to using them) but pacifiers create an unnecessary dependency. If I did without them, you can. You really can.

10. Shoes – babies feel and grip with their feet, use them to develop gross motor skills, explore, hold, even suck their toes, and otherwise enjoy them. They don’t need shoes until they are well-established walkers and outside. At RIE we even recommend removing a baby’s socks or booties any time it’s warm enough (even if the socks have grips on the bottom), so they can have full use of their feet. Barefoot is safer for walkers and climbers, too.

11. Rocking chair – contrary to popular opinion, babies don’t need to rock, but sometimes tired parents do…so, might be nice.

Extravagance…

1. Extra playpen for outdoors and umbrellas for shade if needed

2. More gates to make a play space (or two) for a mobile baby – establishing gates before a baby becomes mobile is best because he accepts them as part of his safe environment, rather than feeling suddenly “blocked” when he begins to crawl.

3. Indoor/outdoor play space – could never swing this, but if you have a safe room that leads to an enclosed, safe-proofed deck, patio, yard or balcony and can secure doors safely open…fantastic!

4. Outdoor crib for naps on nice days

5. Cozy chair outdoors for feedings

6. Car seat a baby can lie flat in – I don’t even know if they make these anymore, and my third baby grew out of it in a week, but it was great to go home from the hospital without worrying about the baby’s head being supported.

7. Pram – the old-fashioned kind in which babies can lie flat when they are tiny, and later roll and move freely in, sit up in themselves, etc. This was a fantasy of mine, but not affordable for the amount I would have used it. I don’t think they can fold up easily and fit into the car, so they might only be practical for talking walks from home.

8. Jogging stroller – great, especially if it’s the only way you can get out and exercise, but I rarely used mine. I realized that I like to feel free and alone when I run.

9. Changing table in a bathroom – I only had this set up with my third child, but it was luxurious to have a sink with running water handy for messes and hand washing

10. Wipe warmers – a minor indulgence that cheered me up on a cold night or morning, but certainly unnecessary

Okay, now I’m sure I’m forgetting some things, so I’m counting on you to chime in here…

For more about baby equipment, please read Set Me Free – Unrestricted Babies (And The Equipment They Don’t Need)

(Photo by emilianohorcada on Flickr)

I’m so pleased to discover your blog. I’m slowly reading through it bit by bit. I came across it when I was searching for more information about Magda’s teachings. I have her book “Your Self-Confident Baby” and I find that your website adds a wealth of information to the book.

I have many parenting books and I tried the attachment thing, but ended up so tired every day that I was starting to resent being a mother and my baby girl is only 6 months! That was until I found the book and your website. It makes perfect sense!

I have a question I wanted to ask you. As I have only discovered this method a week ago I have already managed to buy whole lot of toys, some of them only a few days old, like a baby walker and a baby bouncer as well as some baby chairs and a baby swing from earlier. I now feel that I have wasted my money, but at the same time I don’t want to wastefully throw these toys away. Will there be much damage done if I let her use them (the brand new toys) for, let’s say, only about ½ hour per day, and not teach her about what the different buttons do, let her figure it out for herself ? Or do you think that this is counterproductive, and I should just be happy that I stopped spending money sooner rather than later? Also, what sort of objects or toys do you recommend for a 6 month old baby girl? Should I still use scarf and a ball? And should she have just one item at a time and a different item to explore each day? 

Many Thanks and Best Wishes,  

Carla                                                                                                                                                            

Hi Carla,

Thanks for your kind words about the blog. When I first learned about Magda Gerber’s child rearing approach I had a similar reaction. I was surprised and relieved to find a philosophy that so thoroughly appealed to my common sense. Respecting a baby’s innate abilities was in complete accordance with my instinct to trust nature. With my first baby turning 18(!) in a couple of weeks, I can say beyond all doubt that Magda’s guidance continues to make “perfect sense” and has had an unbelievably positive effect on all 3 of my children. Go for it!   

Magda Gerber believed in “busy babies rather than busy toys”. She suggested we keep toys simple so that our babies could investigate them thoroughly, use them imaginatively in multiple ways, and be encouraged to be active explorers. As she explains in Dear Parent – Caring For Infants With Respect, “…entertaining kinds of toys (such as mobiles or, later on, wind-up toys or battery-operated items) cause a passive child to watch an active toy. This trains the child to expect to be amused and entertained and sets the scene for later TV watching,”

I would never call the push-button toys you bought “damaging”, but as you say, they are counterproductive. Even with your wonderful idea to allow your daughter to discover the buttons rather than showing her how they work, those kinds of toys can undermine independent play because they are mysterious, complicated, and babies are limited in their ability to investigate them.  Since our babies can’t make sense of those toys, they aren’t inclined to learn much from them either. If we want to encourage curiosity and learning, it’s better to provide simpler toys and objects and give our babies extended opportunities to choose what interests them and be enticed to examine those things further.

If you want to keep the new toys, my advice is to save them as an “ace in the hole” for a long car or airplane ride, a waiting room without an aquarium, or a particularly bleak late afternoon at home. That’s what I did with some of the “entertaining” toys that were given to me. (Admission: when my children were older, even much older, they flocked with glee toward baby toy aisles in Target or the toy store, finally able to experience the joy of all those magic buttons. It was a little odd.)

You also mention equipment like bouncers, swings, and seats, all of which restrict movement, encourage passivity, and undermine natural gross motor development according to the approach advocated by renowned pediatrician Emmi Pikler and Magda Gerber.  They also inhibit independent play, because they require adult assistance. Your baby cannot be safely allowed to “explore” a swing without being placed in, strapped in and positioned. (For more, please read Set Me Free.)

Whatever we believe about parenting, we’re going to allow our babies to do things from time to time that we know are less than ideal, knowing that it’s the steady diet we provide for our children that matters most (not the occasional snack!) But we must also recognize that infants and toddlers are in the process of forming lifelong habits. It’s easiest to instill the habits we want for our children by practicing them regularly in the beginning. If we value natural gross motor development and independent, self-directed play and learning, it’s best not to place babies in swings, seats or bouncers, even for half an hour each day. Your baby will ultimately be occupied much longer playing in a safe space, moving freely, and actively engaging with simple objects than she will be with ‘entertaining’ toys and equipment that require assistance or intervention.

For your 6 month old baby, these toys (which Magda Gerber preferred to call “play objects”) can include cotton scarves, balls of all shapes and sizes, plastic chains and empty water bottles, stacking cups, bowls, colanders, wooden toys, inflatable beach balls slightly deflated for grasping, manipulatives, teething rings — almost anything that doesn’t have sharp edges, is safe to mouth, not heavy, not long enough to reach around a baby’s neck, and is too large to choke on.

A baby your daughter’s age needs only a few objects placed nearby and maybe a couple more that are beyond her reach. Make some the same each day and maybe change some up, too — babies appreciate familiarity more than we do. Allow her to choose what she wishes to grasp, rather than handing a toy to her. Then let her do what she chooses to do with the toy, and don’t interrupt while she uses it as long as she wishes.

If independent play is new for your daughter, she may take a little time to get used to it, but soon her play time will blossom. You’ll be glad you tried this.

Warmly,                                                                                                                                                                                      Janet

P.S. I sincerely hope that you can be happy you “stopped spending money sooner rather than later”. And I’m wondering…is there a resale store that might buy some of your brand new items?

At a RIE Conference several years ago a friend and I were presenting a workshop on infant and toddler play and attempted an audacious experiment. We asked another friend to bring her 15 month old daughter to the event, daring to hope that the baby might give a live demonstration of independent, self-directed play.

At least fifty pairs of eyes were on baby Tess as she sat in her mom’s lap on a large platform raised about a foot off the ground. A few feet away we had created a play area using the kinds of objects recommended by infant specialist Magda Gerber: balls of different sizes and types, empty plastic bottles and jars, a colander, an inflatable beach ring, plastic chains, a baby doll, wooden rings, etc.

Tess seemed to take in the audience that surrounded her — professional caregivers, educators, and parents — all of whom waited patiently and showed extreme respect. Could she find the comfort — the trust — to play in such an intensely non-therapeutic environment? Would her natural impulse to play trump any unease or tension?

To all of our amazement it did, and she did. After a couple of minutes, Tess left the safety of her mother’s lap, ventured slowly toward the toys, and proceeded to examine a wiffle ball, which she eventually placed in a large plastic jar. A few minutes later she moved on to investigating a pool ‘noodle’.

It was obvious to everyone watching that Tess was not performing or doing anything for the benefit of the audience. She was simply following her curiosity — exploring, inner-directed — as she was used to doing at home. This was living proof of the powerful, innate desire babies have to play. I doubt the attendees remembered much about the rest of our presentation, but they were buzzing all afternoon about baby Tess.

Play, especially when self-directed, is not only natural — it is vital for our children’s emotional health. Through play babies naturally develop physical and cognitive skills, stretch their imaginations, flex creative muscles, build resiliency and a strong sense of self. Play is the way babies learn best. How do we cultivate this inborn drive? At what age does play begin?

Independent play begins the first time an infant spends a comfortable moment awake in a position in which he or she is free to move. Babies are born ready to begin playing. All we have to do is recognize it, encourage it and trust.

Recognize.

As a new parent, my 3 month old firstborn must have known what I needed — not merely a lesson in recognizing infant play, but a revelation.

Following the direction of a RIE parenting instructor, I placed her on her back on a blanket near me and watched.  My needy, vocal baby, the one I’d been entertaining and engaging almost every moment she was awake, spent nearly two hours in this position, peaceful and content. She knew I was there, shot an occasional glance my direction, but didn’t seem to need a thing from me except, perhaps, my appreciative presence. And, oh, I was beyond appreciative.

When babies aren’t eating, sleeping, bathing, changing diapers, crying, burping, colicky or being cuddled, they are playing. In the first months, play might not look like much. But this is when it starts, and it needs cultivating. 

Encourage.

Although a baby a few weeks old may experience some moments of play on a bed or changing table while an adult is guarding her safety,  play is encouraged for more extended periods by providing a safe place or places in which our baby is not confined, propped or positioned – free to move to the extent she is capable. If a baby’s movement is restricted, or she is dependent on us or on a contraption to retain a position, ‘helped’ to roll or sit up, she becomes used to our intervention and continues to expect it.

Other parenting approaches encourage waiting until an infant can physically indicate a desire to move out of the parent’s arms or a carrier before providing opportunities for play. For me, waiting for an indication of readiness to play independently and move freely is like waiting for a baby to point to a book before ever reading to her. Our babies get used to whatever rituals we create. It is up to us to encourage the habits we believe healthiest.

In her NAEYC essay Babies On The Move, Rae Pica warns that confining babies for extended periods in car seats, carriers, highchairs, etc., may have serious consequences for both motor and cognitive development.  Recent neurological research confirms that infants need to move.

“Neurophysiologist Carla Hannaford, in her book Smart Moves: Why Learning Is Not All in Your Head, tells us that, beginning in infancy, physical movement plays a vital role in the creation of nerve cell networks that are actually the core of learning. She then goes on to relate how movement, because it activates the neural wiring throughout the body, makes the entire body—not just the brain—an instrument of learning.”

To encourage play we have to appreciate and respect it. Before interrupting a baby – no matter how kindly and lovingly we plan to engage her – it’s best to first stop, observe, and at least wait for our baby to look towards us.  We should always ask before picking her up, even if she is fussy.  If we open the door for our young infants to communicate by acknowledging them and asking, “You sound tired. Do you want me to pick you up?” they are encouraged to answer back by telling us, by lifting their arms to us, or not.

Trust.

It’s hard to trust infants to play independently, to be the “initiators, explorers and self-learners” that Magda Gerber taught us they are capable of being. We worry that we might not be doing enough. How can our tiny infants be ready to make choices, experience self-reliance…mastery? But if we are sensitive observers, tuned in and responsive to our babies’ physical and emotional needs, they will initiate play for short periods that grow in time. Our baby soon learns to alert us when she’s had all the independence she wants or can handle.

Alternatively, an insecure baby is incapable of the kind of self-assured, inner directed play demonstrated by Tess, my infant daughter and the many other babies I’ve observed over the years. If we want to encourage play, we have to take a leap of faith and begin by trusting our babies.

(In above photo — a baby playing on her one month birthday.)

In her book, Dear Parent – Caring For Infant With Respect, Magda Gerber asserted that her greatest battle here in the United States was creating a physically safe space for infants and children.   By ‘safe’, she meant an environment with age appropriate toys and furniture that would not harm a child in any way, so that if a child were left alone and unattended he could still play safely. 

Several years ago, my husband and I became foster parents with the hope to adopt. As foster parents, we went through a very strict home study making sure that our home was completely safe for children.  It seemed ridiculous at the time, but now I see the value.  I was always surprised that our home, without a child, was more childproofed than my friends’ houses who already had their own children.  

Our first boy came to us at fourteen days old, and due to circumstances out of our control, at eight and a half months we had to turn him over to his birth father.  That boy, Chase, was to me my first son.  We were lucky to be invited to stay involved in his life even after he lived with his father. We were named his God Parents.  We went to visit him on holidays and his birthday.  We watched him start crawling and walk while we were visiting.  

In this birth family house nothing was childproofed.  For some reason birth families are not expected to adhere to the same safety standards as foster parents. There were no gates, no locks on drawers, nothing of the kind.   They had moved some plants and valuables out of the child’s reach, but that was about it. When I mentioned that I noticed that nothing was gated, were they concerned he might get hurt, they would just say, “Oh, he’s fine. He knows better. Nothing has ever happened.”  I always thought: how can a nine month old know better?  And, like Magda Gerber, I thought, “Nothing has ever happened yet.” 

Well, he didn’t know better, and frankly why should he? A child’s safety is the responsibility of the parents.  

When Chase was eighteen months old came the worst day of my life, with a call from his father: Chase had drowned.   The family had had a party several days before. The sodas and beer were in coolers.  Chase kept going in the cooler to get ice and chew on it. Everyone thought it was cute.  The next two days the cooler was left in the kitchen. They thought it was out of his reach because it was on a table with the lid closed. But it wasn’t.   The father, who worked nights so he could care for his child during the day, nodded off on the couch, just a few feet away. The child was left free to roam in an environment that was not childproofed or gated.   He climbed on the chair, opened the cooler and reached in for ice – a behavior that had gotten positive attention just days before – and he fell in and drowned in just moments.  Drowning like this is more likely to happen to toddlers because their heads tend to be heavy, and they don’t yet have the skills to know how to get out once they have fallen in. 

When I told my friend, whose husband was a paramedic, she wasn’t surprised. She said it is very common that people leave out coolers of melted ice, buckets of water, and small swimming pools. It doesn’t take much water, even less than an inch and a young child can drown. The national average is 115 drownings per year. This includes toilets.  When she and her husband tell people to empty their coolers, people look at them like they are silly.  I had a similar experience with a friend and she said, “Oh, I know you’re sensitive because of what happened.” No, I’m not sensitive. I’m conscious of the fact that children die needlessly because of adult carelessness. 

Our son is now two years old.  He has two gated areas — a gate in front of the bathroom and a lock on the toilet seat.  His play area is completely safe, so I can go to the bathroom, take a shower, do the laundry, cook in the kitchen, and he is free to move and safe to play.  If I got locked out of my house, I’d only have to worry that he would have a dirty diaper or was hungry. This I learned at RIE.  

Yes, we are the exception.  Once, when we my father was visiting, he said, “Poor kid, they got you locked up in a prison.”  I said to him, “Dad, that prison would have saved Chase’s life.”  My mother thinks we are “worry warts” and should let him roam free.  When she visits, she has let him roam free.  She says she is watching him, but one day, when he was roaming free and she and I were in the kitchen making dinner, I turned around and he had a seven inch knife in his hand.  

Does my son protest and want to be in the ‘free zone’, as we call it? Yes, often and very loudly.   I acknowledge his feelings and tell him he needs to be in his safe area for right now.  Within a few moments, he relaxes and finds something child appropriate and safe with which to play, and then we are both relaxed, safe and happy.  

The tragedy of Chase’s death is that it was preventable.  My experience speaking with other parents is that it is easy to focus on the fact that the father nodded off, and to ignore the fact that the father’s first fault was that the home was not safe for an 18 month old child. I know that even on my best moments and days I cannot watch my child every single second. So, for me, that gate and all the safety proofing is not only for my child’s safety, but also for my serenity –  to be there to protect my child even on my most imperfect days as a parent. 

This week is the two year anniversary of Chase’s death, and I think of him and miss him every day. Please take care of your children. Be mindful of empty coolers, buckets and swimming pools. Create safe places, learn CPR and get a good night’s sleep.  115 children drowning a year means 2 children die each week, and they don’t have to. We have the power to change this statistic. 

Loren is a mom, acting coach and filmmaker in Los Angeles.  www.LorenEChadima.com.

The previous week, 21 month old Audrey had wedged herself between the bars of the wooden climbing structure and looked at me with a worried expression. “Are you stuck?” I asked. I moved close and — without touching her — talked her through pulling her legs out from between the bars and reaching to the bar below so that she could climb down again. After glancing at me with a look of self-satisfaction, she climbed back up to repeat the experience. Another toddler, Travis, then climbed the bars and tried getting stuck, too. 

Travis seemed to remember this last week. He climbed up the structure, slipped his legs through the bars and looked at me meaningfully. “Are you stuck?” I asked. He smirked at me before freeing himself again. Soon, Audrey, and then Charlotte followed suit. Charlotte sat between the bars for a long time, swinging her legs in the “stuck” position.

A few minutes later, Sage placed a stacking cup inside one of the buses. She tried to pull the cup back out. I sensed her mom wanting to help, but resisting the urge.  “Is it stuck?” I asked.  She fiddled with the cup for a moment, then left it and moved on to something else.

Later Sage climbed onto one of the large wooden blocks, sat on top and seemed unsure about getting down again. “Are you trying to get down?” I asked. She reached out for me as if to ask to bring her down. “I won’t let you fall”, I said, not touching her, but just spotting. She was hesitant and seemed uneasy. “Do you feel stuck up there?” I asked. She reached her arms towards me again to help her, and though I felt like a meanie, I resisted. “You want me to help you down, but I’m going to let you do it, and I won’t let you fall.”

Sage spent a few moments inching across the top of the block and looking down at the floor before she gained the courage to slide down the side, reaching her feet a few inches until she touched the floor. “You did it.” Thrilled, Sage pranced victoriously across the room towards her smiling parents.

Babies don’t mind struggles. To them, frustration isn’t a bad word. But without meaning to, we teach our babies to fear those things by projecting our adult point-of-view, by reacting (or overreacting), hurrying to “bail them out”.

If we want to encourage our baby’s ingenuity, persistence, and self-confidence, it’s best to try to stifle our urge to “help” and provide plenty of opportunities for safe struggles, even when they cause a little frustration. Our infant might need to work for days, even weeks struggling to roll from back to tummy, or stretching himself to reach the toy that is just out of his grasp. If we stay out of the way, just verbally comfort, acknowledge and encourage our child, (giving him breaks, or helping minimally if he starts getting too frustrated or exhausted) he eventually experiences (and completely owns!) the thrill of his accomplishment. 

By feeling “stuck”, overcoming obstacles and also dealing with “failure” to achieve a particular goal, our children build strong coping skills that will make life’s temporary setbacks much easier to bear. It’s great to succeed, but “not there yet” is a part of life and okay, too.  Then, like the toddlers in class, they can continue to approach feeling stuck as just another fascinating state of being, an experience to examine, embrace, and hopefully overcome through confident perseverance.

Wouldn’t it be grand if we could all retain this healthy, positive attitude towards struggle…if we could face writer’s block, a job search, being in-between relationships, grappling with life’s toughest challenges with interest and enthusiasm rather than fear?

When I became a dad, however, while I was prepared for the ‘business’ of fatherhood, the experience was brand new.  Now I was in love with a baby, and everything really was a big deal. I could watch that child for hours, even as she slept. I couldn’t wait for her to wake up. I wanted to talk to her, bounce her on my knee, take her to restaurants, travel, and show her off to friends and relatives. And I did. I figured that exposing her to my wonderfully exciting world would help to socialize her, and she might become one of those impressively precocious, comfortable-with-adults kids that steal everyone’s attention at cocktail parties. So, of course it only made sense that my baby’s nap schedule should be adjusted to my work hours so I could enjoy quality time interacting with her. 

I bought my baby fantabulous toys made of vibrant colored plastics that I knew she would love once she learned to sit up and got that hand-eye thing working. These toys moved, talked, asked questions and gave answers.  I also loaded up on very cool videos made by companies with names like ‘Baby Genius’ and ‘Toddler Titans’. I was careful to read the descriptions and only chose titles that were educational. I wasn’t going to expose my baby to crap. 

My favorite purchase was a battery-operated 3-speed swing, an ingenious piece of mechanical child care equipment. I had seen these things in action. If your infant is crying and inconsolable, if it’s nap time, or if you just want a mental health break, you strap the kid in and set the thing on auto-pilot. Within seconds, the baby calms down. Soon, she gets that 10,000-yard, no-one’s-home stare. Eventually, the eyes roll back, the shades come down, and she’s dead to the world. Magnificent! 

I meant well. I had a lot of expectations (and fantasies) about my once and future relationship with my infant daughter and how I would manage it. Ultimately, I just wanted to be a good dad – active, fun, available, nurturing. I also wanted interaction and some reciprocal signals that she was as thrilled and adoring of me as I was of her.  When she was tiny and lacked the neck strength to do anything but stare at the ceiling, that meant getting in her face with stuffed animals or a whirly-jig to elicit a smile (I know — gas…). Propping her up seemed like a good idea, too – much easier to see her dad do the Doo Dah Dance – though her head usually sagged to one side at an impossible, really ugly angle. If she was bored (yes, I assumed an infant could be bored), I would sit her in my lap and flap her arms or lift them high above her head (“soooooo big….”). 

It was around this period in my daughter’s infancy that my wife met infant expert Magda Gerber.  I did not become a convert overnight. But after an initial struggle, then a period of tacit compliance to avoid domestic strife, I began to see the innate logic of Magda’s philosophy and insight. 

I got in the habit of announcing my intentions before handling my daughter. Our house was gradually cleared of DayGlo plastic and battery powered toys. (My daughter found other objects to fascinate over.) Oral pacifiers were trashed. (She located her thumb and learned to comfort herself.) I did not put her in high places she couldn’t reach by herself, most especially (and painfully) playground swings. 

And she was happy. Happy staring at the sky without a stuffed animal flying through her limited field of vision; happy manipulating a wooden block rather than building a skyscraper; happy to have me nearby observing rather than controlling her world with my own ideas of fun. 

Over time, it dawned on me that real quality time with my daughter meant quality for her, not entertainment for me.  I began expressing my love by practicing the selfless art of observation, sitting for hours simply watching and being available. The big ‘ah-ha’ was realizing that my presence was enough. I really wasn’t needed for much else, and by restraining my instinct to massage and control the moment, I was doing my daughter the greatest service of all – respecting her. 

As a new father, I believed my job was to prepare my daughter in body and spirit for the big bad world.  So, I followed my instincts – not always a good idea — which meant inserting myself into her world of playtime and daydreaming, doing for her what she could not do for herself. Or, more precisely, what she had not yet figured out for herself. Big difference. By interfering, I was virtually robbing her of the experiences of discovery and success — not the smartest way to encourage self-confidence in a child.  

So, I have come to believe that the very best any of us can do to love our kids is to nurture their instincts so they grow comfortable and confident in the world. But ‘nurturing’ is not as aggressively pro-active as I once thought. Actually, it is more akin to facilitating, allowing our perfect babies to develop through their own processes of discovery. In my case, this meant learning to butt out. And, to my utter amazement and great satisfaction, my daughter (and then her siblings) managed beautifully throughout their infancies and have continued to flourish — physically, mentally, emotionally – developing natural poise and confidence I could never have engineered.  Or nurtured. 

Ultimately, I learned to trust my babies and even coined my own adage: “Never turn down the opportunity to shut up, sit on your hands and observe.”  I think Magda would approve.

Thankfully, our infants don’t need to go to the gym, take exercise classes, or be transformed by private trainers from round cherubs into buff babies for the joyful habit of physical activity to become deeply ingrained in them. All they need is time to do what children do best – play! Since our babies quickly become accustomed to the routines that we establish, infancy is the best and easiest time for us to help our child begin the healthy habit of active play. 

Infants and toddlers are discovering how their bodies work. They need to be unencumbered by baby equipment and the adjusting and positioning of adults so that they can safely find balance and self-reliance. The challenge for parents is to trust rather than teach (because teaching means interfering) and to let our baby show us what he is ready to do by doing it himself — naturally.   

Allowing for free movement means losing bouncy seats, swings, jumpers and walkers, limiting the use of carriers, slings and strollers, all of which restrict our baby and/or do the activity for him. The position which allows our infant maximum mobility is on his back. (Try giving yourself ‘tummy time’ and feel how less mobile you are.) For the first weeks, infants do not need much space, but their safe play area should grow as they do, so they continue to have ample room to move. A safe outdoor play area is best whenever possible.

Here are some immediate and long term benefits of baby exercise: 

1)      Physical fitness, obesity prevention.  Physical activity, not just the organized kind, but free, active play helps prevent obesity. It is so much easier to form healthy habits when our children are small than it is to break the habit of less independent, more passive, sedentary activities when they are school age. Giving babies plenty of time for free play may not solve this complex issue, but it’s a scoot in the right direction, and it’s something we can all do. 

2)      Cognitive functioning. No matter how laid-back some of us may appear we all want our children’s brains to function at peak capacity. There are new studies every week confirming the positive effects of physical activity on attention span, achievement, test scores, and memory. So, let’s allow our children to get a move on and take full advantage. 

3)      Eat, Sleep, Digestion. When a baby has opportunities to move his limbs, extend and stretch his back, eventually propel himself to roll, scoot and crawl, he eats better, sleeps more restfully, and his bowels work better. As many of us recognize, these benefits of physical activity continue into adulthood. 

4)      Self-confidence and independence. Our babies are born to us wholly dependent. The one way they can experience a taste of independence and begin to understand and express ‘self’ is through self-initiated play and movement. An infant who has ample opportunity to experiment and test his physical abilities without adult assistance becomes a tenacious problem solver. And learning he can overcome obstacles builds self-confidence (like finally finding the know-how to move that arm that keeps getting stuck beneath him as he rolls onto his belly). 

5)      Grace, poise, assuredness and more. World renowned Hungarian pediatrician Dr. Emmi Pikler went against the grain in 1946 when she advocated natural gross motor development – “non-interference” in a healthy child’s development. She studied the contrasts between the children who had been taught, propped, positioned and restricted in devices like infant seats, walkers and bouncers, and those who were given freedom of movement and allowed to develop at their own rate. Dr. Pikler found that the natural approach not only affected the quality of motor skills, but also influenced “all other areas of growth – social, emotional, cognitive – and even character development.” “Pikler babies”, as the children in her practice were known, could be easily distinguished at the parks in Budapest, because they were “poised and graceful, alert and friendly, and so confidently independent.” 

6)      Safety. When our infant spends his day developing motor skills naturally, he becomes well-practiced and deeply in tune with his physical capabilities. He has better control and takes only calculated risks. These children learn to fall safely and get up again, and they seldom have serious physical accidents. 

7)      Relaxation, mood elevation, clarity. Moving our bodies can bring us out of even the deepest doldrums. My most creative ideas, and solutions to issues I thought I’d never find my way around suddenly materialize in the alert-relaxed state I’m in when I run. I can only imagine what babies are dreaming up as they stretch, twist, pivot, flex their feet and grasp their toes. I know I get a big kick out of watching them. 

Giving our infants a safe environment with opportunities for free, unconfined, and self-directed movement fosters their innate desire to explore, practice and perfect physical skills. They are then naturally geared toward a lifelong inclination to exercise, which (as stacks of research conclude) will lead them to a longer, healthier, (brainier) and happier life. 

So, as babies might all say if they could, “Let’s roll.”

For more about natural gross motor development, please read Don’t Stand Me Up and Set Me Free (No Baby Equipment Needed)

Learning programs for infants and toddlers like “Your Baby Can Read” are aggressively marketed to new parents and appeal to our most sincere instincts – to do what is best for our children and give them every advantage in life. The children in the promotional videos look so happy to be reading words (words that some cannot even speak yet!), and their parents are so proud. We naturally wonder, “Those people are teaching their toddlers to read? Am I failing my child? Will she fall behind before she even starts kindergarten?”

Parents can relax. Early learning gimmicks have been recycled for years, yet not one has ever been scientifically proven to enhance a child’s learning abilities (or increase intelligence, for that matter.) The reality is that we harm our children when we control and push forward their development, rather than facilitating and letting it happen. Infants and toddlers need time to follow their natural curiosity and interests, which can only happen when they are engaged in uninterrupted, self-directed play. So, when we give a baby reading lessons — or any kind of instruction — that child pays a steep price. She is deprived of the vastly more important, age-appropriate activities that prepare a foundation for true reading comprehension and for the higher levels of brain function in the future.

We all are born with an innate desire to explore, experiment and discover. Babies will find cognitive learning opportunities in the simplest environments as they work to make sense of the world. They are eager to spend time imagining, reasoning, developing formulas and testing them. Why does the ball roll more quickly on the wooden floor than it does on the rug? What makes the clouds move? Does the plastic ring fit around this bottle top? These kinds of early experiences ignite the neural pathways that lead to a strong and active mind.

So, why are we so ready to interrupt and squander this time — this precious window of accelerated development in our child’s life — by showing him a flash card that directs him to clap like a performing seal? We are certainly not helping him to develop his intellectual potential, and the ‘head start’ we imagine will quickly disappear by second or third grade.

We need dreamers, big-picture thinkers and creative problem-solvers to inherit our world, not machines programmed to memorize and mimic.

Furthermore, while a program like “Your Baby Can Read“ may train a baby to recognize words, it cannot teach him to comprehend more than the most basic ones. A child is not ready to learn letters, numbers or words when he has not had the opportunity to build a sensory foundation for what these symbols represent. “Reading comprehension is built on mental networks formed throughout childhood from real experiences with the world,” writes educator and brain researcher Jane Healey, PH.D., in her book, Your Child’s Growing Mind.

The mechanics of reading are not difficult for the average child to learn when he is ready to do so. Reading comes easily, but only when the timing is right, and children who are naturally interested in reading at an early age will teach themselves. One of my three children became a self-taught reader when she was four years old. Her desire to read was a wildfire that could not be contained. She still loves books, creative writing and the literature camp she has chosen to attend the last three summers. Reading is one of her personal passions, not something she does because it pleases her parents.

And our babies are driven to please their caregivers. Their basic survival depends upon our acceptance of them. We should use this power wisely and not abuse it. When we teach a baby something he is not choosing to learn on his own, we put him on course to ignore intrinsic motivation in favor of performing for others — namely us. The child distances himself further and further from his unique goals and passions. We must give our child unconditional acceptance and respond with the same amount of approval for all her accomplishments, big and small, to encourage her continued authenticity.

“When we instruct children in academic subjects at too early an age, we miseducate them; we put them at risk for short-term stress and long-term personality damage for no useful purpose. There is no evidence that such early instruction has lasting benefits, and considerable evidence that it can do lasting harm,” warns Dr. David Elkind in Miseducation.

As I sadly watched the testimonials from parents on the “Your Baby Can Read” site, I couldn’t help but wonder about the videos I wasn’t seeing: the ones where the children suddenly wake up years later and realize that their entire lives have been motivated by the need to please loved ones.

Then there are the children who do not succeed with the “Your Baby Can Read” program. They have disappointed their parents and find no joy in learning. Instead of learning naturally and joyously through play, they equate education with tension and failure…and they are only 3 years old.

Lastly, and most tragically, a baby who reads because it makes his parents happy is receiving the message — in his most important, intimate relationships — that his value is based on performance and accomplishments. The children I observed in the “Your Baby Can Read” videos were ecstatically soaking up the positive attention they were getting for being precocious readers. They seemed thrilled by the pride their parents exhibited. Do these parents respond enthusiastically when the child paints with water on the driveway? Do they show pride when the child buries his feet in the sand? Do they enjoy him when he picks up a ladybug or splashes in a mud puddle? The child can only wonder if he would be as appreciated and loved if he did not perform for his parents. His mud pies and skinned knees might not be enough.

First, the good news: According to a recent article in the New York Times, “Disney Expands Refunds on ‘Baby Einstein’ DVDs,” The Walt Disney Company is widely refunding users of its ”Baby Einstein” videos in response to challenges about the legitimacy of its educational claims. For years the “Baby Einstein” packaging included assertions that the videos would encourage language development, even “[teach] words to babies under 2 years old.”

The hero in this case is The Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, a Boston-based advocacy group that brought the DVD’s bogus claims to the Federal Trade Commission in 2006. It has been fighting ever since to take “Baby Einstein” to task for misleading consumers with false advertising on the product’s packaging and web site. Under FTC scrutiny and the added pressure of a threatened class-action suit, the company removed certain wording from the packaging asserting that the DVD has some positive effect on a baby’s development.

Obviously, these claims are not — nor have they ever have been — supported by scientific research. In fact, studies conclude the opposite: increased TV and video watching is linked to delayed language skills and learning disorders (not to mention obesity). Most parents are now aware that The American Academy of Pediatrics (a really smart group) warns against any media for children under the age of 2. Of course, this is “Baby Einstein’s” target audience.

Now for the bad news: recent studies show that decades of warnings against TV and video viewing for babies have had little effect on parents. A recent article in the Los Angeles Times entitled “Kids’ Eyes are Glued to TV” also covers the “Baby Einstein” marketing scam and reports grim findings: “The amount of television usage by children (has) reached an eight-year high…”

Why are parents hooked on getting kids hooked on TV? In the many papers I have read, experts assign guilt to parents without providing solutions. Studies that poll parents have found that the majority of those who expose babies to TV know they are compromising their child’s optimum health, but they see no other choice to get chores done or take a break. So, unfortunately, one can only conclude that parents would rather feel guilt about the way they are raising a child than feel trapped by a child who they believe cannot occupy himself.

Experts offer vague directives like, “Children should be playing outdoors. Watch TV with your kids. Read to your children. ” In the L.A. Times article, Susan Linn, psychologist and director of the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, clarifies the problem. “If we start children early in life on a steady diet of screen time and electronic toys, they don’t develop the resources to generate their own amusement, so they become dependent on screens.”

Bingo. But none of this information is particularly helpful, because it does not offer any specific alternative to giving a baby passive entertainment when the parents need a well-deserved break. No question, parents need breaks, and the last thing they need is guilt. But no one tells us how not to resort to TV. To my knowledge, no one other than infant expert Magda Gerber offers a viable plan to solve the TV issue. And while Magda Gerber’s non-profit organization (RIE) cannot compete with “Baby Einstein” when it comes to marketing dollars, Gerber’s approach to child care is the real genius.

Picture this: our week old baby is on the changing table after a diaper change. He is looking at the ceiling, calmly and quietly. He is content. Instead of picking him up because we’re done and want to move on, we wait and watch. Five minutes go by before he looks toward us. We then say, “Okay, now I will pick you up.” Our son has just enjoyed his first session of uninterrupted play time, and he has given us a non-verbal signal that he is ready to move on.

The key to guilt-free breaks: never interrupt a contented baby.

If we place our baby on his back in his safe bed or playpen so he is free to move, and if we resist the temptation to entertain him (which will over-stimulate him anyway, and wear us out), we can then relax, observe or take short breaks away from the baby while he takes in his immediate world. This personal ‘play time,’ a time when the baby may ponder a shadow on the wall or a solution to world hunger (to be shared in a dissertation years later), will begin with a few minutes here and there, and will later extend to long periods of learning, exploration and fantasy play as the infant develops.

An infant’s uninterrupted play time must be balanced with plenty of intimate one-on-one time with loved ones, and Magda Gerber encourages parents to provide focused togetherness each day while mutually accomplishing chores like diapering, feeding, and bathing. When we take advantage of these activities, rather than rushing through them to make way for ‘playtime,’ and when we give our baby undivided attention, slow down, and invite the baby to participate as much as possible, then both parent and child are refueled by the shared experience. A child who receives a parent’s full attention several times a day can then spend hours happily occupied with independent play, and give parents time for breaks.

Volumes could be written on the rewards of self-directed play and also on the dangers of television, and I will address those subjects in future posts. But what parents must understand is that early exposure to media and other passive entertainment will immediately undermine a child’s innate ability to create play on his own and will perpetuate the very problem the parent is attempting to solve: a child who cannot occupy himself. Children are creatures of habit, and they quickly become used to a life of passivity when we expose them to media. TV and videos are harmful to a baby, period. There are no benefits.

TV and videos are a passive experience for an infant. They do not ‘learn’ from them because they do not understand them. The only way an infant does gain knowledge is by exploring the world around him with all his senses, in his own way and in his own time. This is active learning, and it is as simple as having the freedom to look around a room or examine his fingers and toes. Compare this to being strapped in a booster seat, mesmerized by meaningless words and images cascading from TV set. Surely, no sane or educated person could claim this as ‘educational’.

When we know and embrace a better plan, one that facilitates (rather than thwarts) our baby’s innate potential to explore, examine, create, imagine, solve problems and develop a long attention span for the rest of his life, we feel pride instead of guilt. Children want to actively absorb life — not pictures of life — from the moment they are born. The real baby Einstein would have known that.

3/11/10, Informative update on Disney and the CCFC HERE